1. society
2. social institution
3. marriage

Building Blocks
9 Keys to Building a Lasting Marriage
1
5
8
11
15
18
21
25
BEYOND THE
WEDDING DAY
CAPTIVATE YOUR
SPOUSE’S HEART
FIGHT OR FLIGHT?
CENTS AND
SENSIBILITY
28
FOR BETTER,
FOR WORSE
MEN SPEAK,
WOMEN FEEL
COMMUNICATION
101
IN-LAWS OR
OUT-LAWS?
AND BABY MAKES
THREE
32
APPENDIX AND
ADDITIONAL
RESOURCES
“Marriage is like building a house. It’s built one brick at a time.”
foreword
Marriage Builders
Launching a lifelong, fulfilling marriage
A happy marriage does not come from landing the perfect mate but becoming
the right companion for your spouse. There is no magic formula to ensure
a perfect marriage. Like a dance you perfect over time, a good marriage
requires dedication, perseverance, patience and a deep understanding of your
partner.
Marriage Builders is written as a resource for soon-to-weds and newlyweds to
launch them into a lifelong and fulfilling journey.
With nine chapters of comprehensive content and accompanying lists of
succinct tips, couples can use this guide in a group setting within the context of
a marriage preparation programme or on your own. Additional activity pages
are incorporated to facilitate in-depth dialogue with useful resources listed in the
appendix.
Stay thankful for each passing day of love, stay hopeful when challenges come
your way and stay faithful to the love of your life.
Enjoy the marital bliss!
Published by Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS)
Content Focus on the Family Singapore Limited
Editor Chong Cheh Hoon
Design & Layout Daryl Wong and Danielle Whetstone
Copyright is held by MCYS. July 2009. Content used by permission of Focus on the Family Singapore Ltd.
All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.
Visit www.marriagecentral.sg for more information.
chapter
beyond the wedding day
1
Sam and Lin remember well the day they first met in school. She was that “special
face in the crowd” and he was “the man of her dreams”. Getting married to
each other was the best thing that ever happened in their lives. Yet they also
understood that sustaining a marriage takes more than just love; it’s all about
putting in time, effort and commitment.
Having a soul-satisfying marriage is like landing that dream house with beautiful
amenities and secure warmth. In the first place, you’ll need to put in a huge
investment and lots of determination to make it happen.
Next up, will be the constant upkeep and the periodic renovations to make that
home your pride and joy. But be assured, the rewards of a strong marriage built
on love and hard work are well worth the effort.
The key to finding the love of your life is investing well in the first five years of
marriage. Research has shown that the long-term success of a relationship
depends heavily on how well spouses adjust to each other from the beginning.
A stable foundation to weather the challenging times is crucial. Keeping mutual
expectations real, understanding differing personalities, defining spousal roles
and establishing a personalised marriage promise are some aspects that can
strengthen commitment and bring joy to your marriage.
Nothing is more pleasurable than finding a true soul mate and lover who can ride
the highs and lows of the roller coaster of life with you and still declare that “You
are the absolute fit for me!”
There is no perfect formula for a marriage to always stay on a high note of
romance and bliss. Only the intentional effort to love and honour your spouse
through selfless giving can give rise to everlasting commitment.
Remember, marriage is about couplehood – two people meeting each other’s
needs. There will be times when one spouse is weaker and will need more care
and these roles will switch depending on the circumstances. Give generously
to each other without expecting much in return and both will emerge as true
winners.
Take time and effort to make your marriage work. The journey of devoted love
is inspiring and appealing. It is the closest thing possible to heaven just to be
appreciated and treasured by the person you love most!
01
“Nothing is more pleasurable than finding a true
soul mate and lover who can ride the highs and
lows of the roller coaster of life with you and still
declare that ‘You are the absolute fit for me!’”
02
LOCKING
OUT &
KEYING IN
Are you creating invisible barriers to
marital bliss? Discover the keys to a
lifelong, fulfilling marriage!
Marriage works only when you
don’t expect the moon and
stars to shine brightly all the
time. Unrealistic expectations
put unnecessary strain on
relationships.
L.O.V.E. spells Lots Of Varying
Enthusiasm. Continue churning
out fun ideas just to please your
spouse and keep that passion
burning.
If you marry a sunflower, don’t
expect it to smell like a rose.
Trying to change your spouse
to suit you will only end in great
despair and frustration.
Helping your partner pursue his
or her passion is important to
your marriage’s health. It’s the
only way to understand and
support each other.
Hiding truths and sending
mixed messages is a frustrating
habit that wears down the trust
level.
Couples who dream great
dreams together tend to love
each other more deeply. They
stay connected by working
towards a common purpose.
Kicking up a storm at every
negative situation brings only
pain. It pushes respect out
of the marriage and builds
gradual contempt towards the
offending partner.
Marital harmony is ultimately
the practice of becoming
passionate friends. You stay
faithful and true because it’s
pleasurable and rewarding.
Using divorce as a bargaining
chip in marriage is the surest
way to weaken commitment
and break the wedding vow.
Creating a goal from the start
of marriage and fine-tuning
it along the way helps the
marriage to stay in focus.
03
Foundation Stones
You & I - Laying the foundations for a strong marriage
Discuss and write down five foundation stones that can help you build a strong
marriage. (eg, trust, respect)
1
2
5
3
4
Pledge
Sign this pledge to remind each other of your commitment to make these goals work for you.
Together, we, ___________________________ and ___________________________
pledge to start our marriage with these five foundation stones in place.
We will keep them as our guiding pillars in launching a lifelong and fulfilling relationship.
&
Signed: ___________________
Date: ______________
04
___________________
chapter
2
men speak, women feel
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus – there’s no doubt that relationships
between men and women are complex. How can couples prepare to meet
gender differences and still make them work towards a healthy and happy
relationship?
Lysa TerKeurst wrote in her book that husbands are hunters and not hinters. Men
process things differently than women do. They hear a problem and instantly
they are out there hunting for a solution, shooting off the bad parts and checking
the task off their list. Just like that – quick, fast and non-emotional.
Women are all about emotions. They worry over the issue, fish for opinions and
test out possible solutions. They’re not satisfied until they have linked the logical,
emotional and relational aspects of the issue together.
Differing relational styles can create stress when a woman “feels” her way
through hours of reflective talk while her man tries hard to process the information
overload. When she’s finally done with her verbal download, she feels good but
he, on the other hand, feels overwhelmed.
Take the case of Sue and Tim preparing for their first anniversary getaway. The
game plan was for him to surprise her and whiz her off to a romantic destination.
Unable to contain her excitement and yet fearful that Tim might not rise to the
challenge, she coyly offered hints along the way with the hope that he would
latch on to one of her choice spa resorts.
Tim, with his down-to-earth approach, simply googled and booked the first cheap
offer that he came across online. His rationale? It didn’t matter what they were
doing or where they were heading to – he was going to be her ultimate surprise!
It was a classic case of good intentions of a “hunter” husband which translated
into bad news for his “emotion-centred” wife. Left unattended, such differences
can create a huge gap in relating as husband and wife move along in their
marriage. A couple will do well to remember this: Mars and Venus connect best
when they take time to maximise and accept each other’s unique qualities and
make them work for the better!
05
LOCKING
OUT &
KEYING IN
To speak the language of love
fluently, you need to practise,
practise and practise.
Men pride themselves on being
solution focused. Insisting that
your man brood over matters
before coming to a solution is
tricky and ineffective.
Women like to talk about
anything and everything.
Listening without judgment
helps you get a glimpse into
their world.
Men like to be admired for their
intelligence. Dismissing a man’s
wit as childish hurts his selfesteem.
Women like to be appreciated
for their insightful sensitivities.
Welcome that into your manly
world and you’ll gain yourself a
loyal confidante.
Men operate on facts and
facts alone. Expect a man to
mind-read and get your hints
and you’ll be in for a huge
disappointment.
Men thrive on adoring
touches and women blossom
with tender affirmation - be
generous in speaking the right
love language.
Women are relationship
builders. Straight talk and fast
answers do not align with their
need to consult and ponder
over matters.
Don’t be frustrated if your
spouse doesn’t respond in the
same way you do. Remember
that his or her uniqueness is
what attracted you in the first
place.
Expecting every encounter
with your spouse to be filled
with happiness and ease is a
sure path to disillusionment.
Everyone has their bad days
and lapses in communication.
Humour and tears are the glue
that bind the happy and sad
times into one shared moment
of closeness. Build your
marriage on the firm foundation
of understanding.
0606
He Says ... She Says
Listening between the lines
Very often when your partner says something, it may mean something completely
different to you. Learn to listen beyond the words for the real message!
Ladies, write down what you think your guy really means when…
HE SAYS
I THINK HE MEANS
“You look different today.”
_____________________________________
“Are you sure you have not seen it?”
_____________________________________
“What’s wrong with this gift?”
_____________________________________
“I’m tired.”
_____________________________________
Guys, write down what you think your gal really means when…
SHE SAYS
I THINK SHE MEANS
“What are you thinking?”
_____________________________________
“I don’t feel like cooking tonight.”
_____________________________________
“Am I fat?”
_____________________________________
“Do you love me?”
_____________________________________
Share your answers with your spouse to better your understanding of each other.
07
chapter
3
captivate your spouse’s heart
The subtle art of flirting and the excitement of courtship need not stop at the very
exchange of “I Dos”. Too often, couples grow weary when they allow their love
life to come to a standstill after the honeymoon years. Pile on the marital stressors
and mismatched expectations, and they soon find themselves disillusioned when
the marriage lapses into a state of lethargy. The spark has fizzled and love has
grown cold.
Is your relationship slipping into a familiar routine of going to work, coming home,
eating and sleeping? Most couples have a routine that helps them feel safe
and secure. However, it’s also very easy to cross the line from comfortable to
complacent, leading to a neglect of each other’s needs. The first clue that you
have fallen into a rut is when one or both of you start to wonder if there’s more to
married life than just co-existing in a boring routine.
The secret to lifelong, loving intimacy is to set up a love bank that stores up
encouragement, affirmation and pleasurable intimacy. Captivating your spouse’s
heart is the key to fulfilment and the way to a committed, lifelong love.
The effort you put into surprising your partner need not be excessive or
extraordinary. A sincere, simple and sexy gesture with a little planning goes a
long way in delighting your lover. Try these suggestions for some fun perk-us-up
dates.
•
Spa-out – Dim the bedroom lights and put out the satin sheets. Lavishly
treat your partner to a sensual rub down with healing balm in the midst
of scented candles and soothing music. Silence is golden as you lovingly
knead and banish all those stress knots.
•
Midnight tour – Take the path less trodden by reversing your day routine
with this midnight jaunt. Catch a late night movie and recharge with a
midnight feast before embarking on a nocturnal trek to bustling nightspots
that spell intrigue and fun. At dawn, cozy up for a well-deserved breakfast
before ambling home for an intimate cuddle and snooze.
•
Yesterday-once-more – Visit your courtship haunts and relive treasured
memories, be it that old café or that secluded beach. Grab a camera
and record the good times for posterity.
08
LOCKING
OUT &
KEYING IN
Intimacy is the master key that opens
the door to marital bliss.
Comparing your spouse to
others is an instant put-off and
contradicts the feelings of
being cherished and loved.
Little acts of thoughtfulness, a
secret stash of love gifts – these
are what make romance alive
and thrilling.
Hijacking snuggle-up time
with office politics, parenting
struggles and household
worries deprives you of time
for intimate and romantic
thoughts.
Sex-pectations – keep intimacy
and sex appealing, exciting
and regular.
Incompatible ideas about
duties and responsibilities in a
marriage can quickly snuff out
shared dreams and goals.
Being “naked” before your
spouse with your emotions,
dreams and desires reaches
deep into the core of intimacy.
Annoying habits like loud
belches can be cute for
the first time but wear down
attractiveness when repeated
over time.
Romance doesn’t have to be
a huge production. A simple,
sincere and sexy gesture can
fuel up a passion that is soul
satisfying.
Romancing your spouse
doesn’t have to stop right after
the honeymoon; keep the
passion alive and fresh.
Make your spouse feel that he
or she is worth being pursued.
Send a healthy dose of flirty
SMS messages to tell him or her
that you are still in love.
09
Letter to my Love
Sometimes we all appreciate
little reminders of love.
Write down some reasons
why you love your spouse.
TO MY WIFE
I love you because...
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
I appreciate you for...
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
I love it when you...
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
TO MY HUSBAND
I love you because...
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
I appreciate you for...
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
I love it when you...
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
10
chapter
communication 101
4
Today, many couples find themselves trapped in the rat race of work and
demands of life, leaving them little time to talk about experiences and feelings
that matter most. We forget to take time out from our hectic work schedules to
reflect, share and restore the intimate connection with our partner.
The most important aspects of developing a growing marriage are communication
and intimacy. The former feeds the emotions of the heart and the latter connects
the two souls into one. As such, intimacy cannot be sustained without healthy
and responsible communication, which involves self-revelation and listening,
accompanied by mutual, honest feedback and loving affirmation.
You can choose to make your marriage a living nightmare or a sweet communion
by either putting up a mask or being transparent with each other. Communication
is like opening a door to let your partner into your world of hurts, fears, hopes and
dreams – all within a trusted and secure relationship.
An important rule in establishing healthy couplehood is to talk to your spouse at
least three times a day. This should exclude surface talks like “hello” or factual
reporting such as, “Just bought a great gift at a good discount.”
Instead, master the art of attentive listening and giving thoughtful responses.
Practise self-revelation, which brings trust and respect into the marriage, allowing
both to stay truthful but not condemning; open yet not demanding.
Learning how to negotiate, breaking down defences, reading between the lines
and talking in a non-accusatory manner are essential skills that help a couple
to understand what is going on inside each other’s minds. These skills also allow
them to hear the message clearly without having to second-guess each other
and get it all wrong!
In situations where one spouse may be a reluctant sharer or compulsive talker,
good communication patterns can still develop if some ground rules are
established. The reluctant sharer can use non-verbal language such as writing
down thoughts on paper or sending loving hugs and hand squeezes to their
partner. Compulsive talkers need to be intentional in setting time limits for sharing
and most importantly, avoid finishing sentences on behalf of their spouses!
Achieving good communication fitness is possible when couples take daily
moments to contact and connect. It fosters understanding and pulls the couple
into an intimacy that is exclusively special.
11
“The most important aspects of developing
a growing marriage are communication and
intimacy.”
12
LOCKING
OUT &
KEYING IN
Communication is tuning in to your
spouse’s inner world.
Hearing only what you want
and filtering out the real
message hurts you more than
you know.
Good communication takes
effort, skill and a good pair of
attentive ears. It doesn’t just
happen.
Being married doesn’t give
you the license to be rude and
disrespectful.
Communication is all about
sharing dreams, hopes, fears
and pain all in the security of
an intimate relationship.
Monologues where one speaks
and the other shuts up is a oneway street that leads to a dead
end.
Committed couples
communicate. They love to
inform, compliment, connect
and comfort at all times.
The Silent Treatment - deadly,
ineffective and childish. It
prolongs resentment and
distances love.
Heart-to-heart communication
happens when both spouses
wind down their day to talk.
Angry words stir up wrath. A
loud accusatory tone invites a
negative response.
Gentle answers turn away
wrath. Keep the tone, volume
and body language calm and
loving.
13
it’s
sweet...
...it’s
controlling
The little things that we do or say can either endear us to our spouse or become extremely
annoying. Write down some things to watch out for in communicating with your spouse.
for her
it’s sweet when my hubby...
it’s controlling when my hubby...
teases me about spending time with my
demands to know who I’m with or what I’ve
girlfriends.
been doing daily.
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
for him
it’s sweet when my wife...
it’s controlling when my wife...
laughs at my silly stories.
makes fun of my shortcomings in public.
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
14
chapter
fight or flight?
5
Wired differently, husband and wives can be expected to relate, connect and
fight at completely opposite ends. Every couple will experience conflict, but it
doesn’t have to be destructive or warrant a break-up.
In fact, a manageable dose of squabbles can actually heighten awareness of
what is worth fighting for in a marriage. The key to a good marriage is to know
how to fight fair and make the relationship work for, rather than against, each
other.
Here are a few things to remember from Mitch Temple’s Marriage Turnaround, in
reframing the way you see and deal with conflict:
•
Start the right way. If you start a disagreement with loud words, harsh
statements and judgmental accusations, you have started badly.
•
Don’t fight dead issues. Don’t make something a mountain when it’s only a
road bump. Choose your battles. Ask yourself, “Is this really worth bringing
up again?”
•
Get your timing right. Don’t try to resolve the conflict at the wrong time or
place. Don’t try to solve problems during times of great stress or grief.
•
Listen intentionally. Make a commitment that you will control your tongue
by not saying what you are thinking for the next few minutes. Let the other
finish speaking. Don’t interrupt.
•
Don’t use the bed as a weapon. Keep your arguments out of the
bedroom. The bedroom is a place for unity and intimacy, not working out
differences.
•
Never, ever use the D word. Threatening divorce is a last resort that should
be kept locked away except in extreme cases of ongoing adultery, or
addictive or abusive behaviour.
•
Agree to call time-out. It’s futile to try to solve the problem if you sense you
or your partner becoming angry. Agree to walk away. But come back to
the issue later.
It takes a great deal of restraint and self-discipline to keep your mouth shut when
it wants to keep flapping open. But in order to effectively deal with tough issues,
you must learn to exercise smart control during conflict.
15
LOCKING
OUT &
KEYING IN
Fighting fair means agreeing to
disagree without wounding your
partner.
Don’t start an argument
with “You never…” or “You
always…” or “Here you go
again”. Accusations only add
fuel to the fire.
Be quick to listen, slow to speak
and even slower to react.
The purpose of a fight is to
enhance the relationship and
not to win at all costs.
Recycling past hurts and pain
just to win an argument gets
you nowhere. Stick to the real
issue.
Agree upon at least five rules
for conflict management and
abide by them. It ensures a fair
debate without foul play.
Couples who use power play
to control situations make it
harder to fight fair and square.
Keep fights short, sweet and
simple without dramatic
endings.
Hurling disparaging remarks
to thumb down your spouse is
what bullies do to gain power
and control in a marriage.
Call for a time-out if needed
to prevent the tension from
getting out of control.
There’s a word for relationships
when couples are unwilling to
compromise: Misery.
Always end a fight with loving
reconciliation to remind
yourselves that you are still on
the same team.
1606
Triggers
& Defusers
Every marriage comes complete with its own fair share
of conflicts. Learn how to resolve these issues without
them escalating into an all-out war!
Think of some conflicts you are facing right now and
write down how you will work through them.
M
TRIGGER
DEFUSER
TRIGGER
DEFUSER
________________________________
________________________________
________________________________
________________________________
TRIGGER
DEFUSER
________________________________
________________________________
________________________________
________________________________
TRIGGER
DEFUSER
________________________________
________________________________
________________________________
________________________________
He forgets to put his dirty laundry into the
wash basket.
Use humour! Place a “Feed Me!” sign
above your wash basket.
“Every couple will experience conflict, but it
doesn’t have to be destructive or warrant a
break-up.”
17
chapter
in-laws or out-laws?
6
When you said “I do”, you did not marry just the man or woman of your dreams
alone. Like all contracts that come with a disclaimer, you have also signed on
for a free membership into your spouse’s clan of eccentric relatives, snobs,
black sheep and all. Of course if you’re lucky, you may find yourself in the warm
embrace of new healthy familial ties.
It is no secret that friction with in-laws is a primary stressor in the early years of
marriage. The initial adjustment and poor management of expectations between
two newly joined families often come to a head when parents cannot let go of
their grown children.
Well-intentioned advice from the in-laws to help the newlyweds manage their
lives together can sometimes be misconstrued as interfering and insensitive. At
worst, distrust and open criticism between both parties can grow into a huge rift
when in-laws appear to be meddlesome and critical.
In short, as the daughter- or son-in-law, you do need to muscle in and earn your
credibility in order to be taken seriously. The wisest first step is not to be blindsided
by prejudices and critical judgment, or nurse that lofty ambition to manipulate
your in-laws.
Earning their trust that you are capable, reliable, sincere and loving to your spouse
is a great start. You can almost bet on crediting yourself as a good catch in their
approving eyes if you toss in the bait of a brood of grandchildren!
Bridging the in-law gap is never easy but it is possible. With wisdom, humour and
lots of patience, you will learn to build acceptance and appreciation into your
new family relationships. All it takes is openness, compromise and faith in healthy
relating without fear.
In-laws can become either a great ally in times of need or be that wedge that
grates on your marriage. Tread wisely in relating to them and draw healthy
boundaries from the start. You’ll find your in-laws a worthwhile investment that
pays great dividends to the end. In-laws or out-laws? The ball is in your court
– play a good game and you can ace your scores with them!
18
LOCKING
OUT &
KEYING IN
Have your in-laws overstayed their
welcome or have you won over their
love?
Snubbing your in-laws with
disapproving remarks is the
fastest way to earn an enemy.
If parents need to be
confronted, agree that their
own child, and not the son- or
daughter-in-law, do the talking.
Trying to outwit and out-talk
your in-laws in a conflict may
win you the argument but
ultimately lose the love and
respect they have for you.
When relating to a controlling
in-law, be pleasant,
appropriate and factual. It
earns you credibility and
control over the situation.
Don’t resist getting to know your
in-laws. Remember, you have
been grafted into their family
branch.
Invite your in-laws to share
a part in your marriage and
parenting journey. You gain
allies and team players for life.
Asking your partner to stand in
the gap and choose between
them or you challenges loyalty
and breeds anger and hatred.
Managing in-laws can be a
win-win situation if you keep
manipulation and power play
out of the way.
Erecting invisible fences to shut
out your in-laws only creates
greater hostility.
Draw up a chart of family
friendly policies to cultivate
in-law bonding by agreeing on
holiday plans, home rules and
boundaries with grandchildren.
19
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Making space for your in-laws without imposing on your
marriage
Discuss the following issues and how much you think in-laws are affecting your
marriage. Suggest how you and your spouse can work together to set boundaries.
No effect
Damaging effect
1. Amount of money set aside to support parents
1
2
3
4
5
2. Home visitations and family meals
1
2
3
4
5
3. Grandparenting duties and parenting styles
1
2
3
4
5
4. Allocating family time during festivities and holidays
1
2
3
4
5
What are some boundaries you can set to help solve the identified problems?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
20
chapter
7
cents and sensibility
Dale and Susan Mathis explain in their book Countdown for Couples, that all of
us grow up with attitudes about money. Most of us acquired our view of money
from our parents, while others may have been influenced by close friends or even
the culture. It’s important to understand that your past financial experiences can
affect your marriage positively or negatively.
Refusing to talk about something as important as financial management can be
more costly than you might imagine. The truth is that money can bring a certain
amount of happiness, but it can also be one of the biggest sources of stress in
a marriage. Take some time to understand each other’s spending and saving
attitudes and habits. Discuss questions such as “Will we have joint or separate
bank accounts?”, “Who will pay the bills?” and “Have we worked out what our
budget will be?”
Financial woes can often set a marriage on a failing path. Mounting debt, under
budgeting and poor investment choices are major stressors that can throw a
marriage into confusion. Worse still, trust and respect issues come into play when
a spouse has secret spending patterns and undisclosed debts.
Most people do not have an income problem but rather a spending problem.
Saving money takes work, but the more you work at it, the easier it becomes.
Being careful with your expenses ultimately allows you to do the things that you
really want to do in life and yet have the financial freedom to stay debt-free and
be secure economically.
In their book, Surviving Financial Meltdown: Confident Decisions in an Uncertain
World, Ron Blue and Jeremy White give some useful money-saving tips:
•
Shop around. If you need to make a major purchase or have major repairs
done, get more than one estimate. The prices may vary by several hundred
dollars.
•
Pay cash. It is a lot harder to plunk down dollar notes than it is to use plastic
and you “count the cost” of each purchase more carefully.
•
Envelopes. Begin each month by placing the amount you want to spend in
an envelope. When the envelope is empty, stop spending. This method will
save you money in the areas of most concern without creating a formal
budget.
The cultivation of excellent money savvy habits forms the basis of good financial
practice. It can guarantee that the marriage is well insured with resources to
buffer through bad times and stay resilient.
21
“Most people do not have an income problem
but rather a spending problem. Saving money
takes work, but the more you work at it, the easier
it becomes.”
22
LOCKING
OUT &
KEYING IN
Choose to plan for today in order to
have a secure tomorrow.
Constant upsizing, upgrading
and updating your lifestyle
is the fastest way to suffer a
financial bleed to death.
Simplify, simplify, simplify. Life is
less cluttered when you choose
to downsize your material
expectations and upsize your
contentment in life.
“Money Myopia” is shortsightedness that urges
couples to overspend when
they cannot understand
that budgeting for now is a
guarantee for the future.
Categorise your shopping
list according to necessities,
desires and absurdities. It trains
your mind to spend on what
is necessary and to stay away
from frivolous buys.
Secret spending will land you in
a messy muddle when you find
that you have maxed out your
spending with little cash to pay.
Savvy couples practise mutual
accountability and personal
responsibility in financial
management because they
believe in trust and security.
When people love money
too much, they cross over
into greed and succumb to
temptations beyond their
financial abilities.
Give your joint financial status
a realistic health check every
now and then.
Resist impulse buying. Use the
48-hour rule. Postpone the
purchase for 48 hours - if the
need is still there, then buy it!
Track every cent that you
spend and your dollar will
stretch a long way.
23
MAKING
SENSE
OF YOUR
CENTS
Budgeting for a financially secure future
INCOME
Annual Salary:
Interest/Dividends:
Other Income:
Expected Bonuses:
$ ___________
$ ___________
$ ___________
$ ___________
Total Annual Income:
$ ___________
EXPENDITURE
Basic expenses
Tax
Debts
Family
Savings
Housing:
Utility Bills:
Food:
Transport:
Entertainment:
Others:
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
Property tax:
Income tax:
Road tax:
Others:
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
Housing Loan:
Car Loan:
Credit Loan:
Others:
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
Holidays:
Education:
Clothes/Toys:
Insurance:
Others:
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
$ _____
Income
- Expenditure
= Savings
Total:
$ _____
Total:
$ _____
Total:
$ _____
Total:
$ _____
Total: $ _____
24
* Adapted from Surviving Financial Meltdown by Ron Blue & Jeremy White
chapter
8
and baby makes three
Marriage takes on a new level of meaning and growth when Baby pops in to stay.
Becoming a parent is one of life’s most exciting and life-changing experiences.
Research has shown that 90% of married couples will ultimately have children
together. Yet for couples struggling with fertility issues, the absence of a child can
also be a heartbreaking time.
There is no doubt that children are a gift to be treasured. The arrival of a child
brings a husband and wife into an enriching time; their marriage moves deeper
into a stronger bond of relating and intimacy. On the same note, children will
change you, your spouse and your marriage.
Parenting is never stress-free. Child-proofing your marriage is thus extremely
important for newly minted parents. The dynamics of couplehood takes a
big shift when all attention gets channelled to a seemingly bottomless pit of
soiled diapers, colicky attacks and endless crying. The effort may seem like a
tremendous sacrifice but the reward is priceless. Somehow parenthood builds
into your marriage a shared responsibility and selfless love.
Another reason to nurture the marital relationship is to pass on your family heritage
and healthy memories. Making your marriage work is the best gift to your children.
Knowing that Mum and Dad are committed to a loving relationship for the
long haul provides security towards the child’s well-being. It gives an excellent
template for their children to copy when they grow up, get married and take on
parenthood later.
Parenthood is a journey. We live to grow kids that honour timeless family traditions.
We spend our children’s growing years nurturing, affirming and imparting values
to spur them on to become responsible and respectful young adults. We then
enter the next stage of our twilight years remembering all the precious memories
of weathered storms and the incomparable joys of staying in love forever.
“There is no doubt that children are a gift to be
treasured.”
25
LOCKING
OUT &
KEYING IN
26
What joy to hear the pitter patter of
tiny feet and know that they’re ours
to keep!
Believing that children curb
your freedom is way off
the mark. Freedom without
responsibilities sometimes gets
boring and unsatisfactory after
a while.
Parenthood can make you a
better person. It trains you to be
less self-centred and to value
the innocence of a child.
Don’t cast parenthood away
because of financial concerns.
Money is not a guarantee
to true fulfilment and
contentment in life.
The ability to extend sacrificial
love and nurturing care to
a child is a gift that money
cannot buy.
Don’t buy into the negative
perceptions of parenthood. It
can bring you more joy than
you could ever imagine.
Having children is a natural
stage in adult life. It fulfils our
instinctive needs to nurture,
protect and love.
Resist the notion that your life
is far too busy right now to
accommodate a baby. There
is never that perfect timing for
the ideal baby moment.
Parenting is never stress-free.
Yet it’s the joy of watching a
baby develop into a winsome
child that gives inspiring life
moments.
Postponing parenthood has a
price. You may have climbed
to the top of the corporate
ladder but you may have lost
your footing at a chance of
conceiving.
Success in the workplace
cannot replace the fulfilment
that a healthy, growing family
can give. Seek the joy that
comes from nurturing a new
life.
Ready,
Steady,
BABY!
Are we all set for the baby?
When planning to have a baby, we can get so caught up in the excitement that we forget
to work out the roles and expectations before the new bundle of joy arrives.
Answer the following questions according to how they best describe your present feelings.
Do this separately first and then discuss your answers as a couple.
PARENTAL ROLES
YES
NO
Is our marriage thriving and stable for the inclusion of a new addition?
O
O
Are we emotionally prepared to handle the parenting responsibilities
and the demands of a new baby?
O
O
Have we discussed seeking a support network and some parenting
education?
O
O
YES
NO
Have we decided on the caregiving arrangement and budgeted for it?
O
O
Have we set aside money for both pre-natal care and post-baby
needs?
O
O
Have we set aside emergency family funds?
O
O
YES
NO
Are we willing to share the baby care responsibilities and household
chores in the home?
O
O
Are we willing to sacrifice recreational time and hobbies when baby
care becomes intensive and challenging?
O
O
Have we worked out as a couple how we are going to harmonise work
and family?
O
O
FINANCIAL BUDGET
WORK AND TIME MANAGEMENT
27
chapter
for better, for worse
9
There is great cause for celebration when a marriage has successfully crossed
significant milestones and is thriving. Love is experienced in the deepest sense
when commitment has been pledged to guarantee a future together and
forever. Devoted love is the glue that binds a marriage, giving it a strong sense of
stability and fulfilment.
Uniting two lives involves complementary love that aims to combine shortcomings
into a joint strength. A couple who is prepared to seek the other person’s happiness
above his own understands such love. It marks a mature, quiet contentment
where living side by side becomes possible and pleasurable.
Sadly, modern marriages are being threatened when such complementary love
is exchanged for competitive love. Relational success gets measured by how
much we can gain from the marriage. Gary Chapman calls this a “contract
marriage”. Defined by a list of conditions, it is like negotiating a relationship based
on a motivation to act only in return for what one can get. “I will make my wife
happy if she makes me happy.” If anything, such marriages are often short-lived,
especially when the contract “expires”.
In essence, marriage is not about bargaining and striking deals for it to work. It is
about building a capacity for nurturing love and selfless giving. Chapman offers
a different meaning by a “covenant marriage”. In this instance, love is given for
the benefit of one’s spouse. It promises unconditional giving of dedicated love
without end.
Marriage is not about perfecting your spouse but enhancing mutual respect
through shared experiences of joy and pain. You start by cherishing and honouring
each other. Only then can couplehood become engaging and meaningful.
Relating to each other through a natural cycle of ups and downs will ultimately
grow an intimacy that becomes exclusively special to both.
Mapping out a journey into intimacy can be fun and thrilling. You will need a
reliable road map and clear directions. By heeding the signs along the way, you
get to enjoy the journey and reach your destination safely with your soul mate.
Ultimately, the mark of devoted love till death is both inspiring and endearing. It
points to the hope of restoring marriage to its intended design of an everlasting
pledge of love.
28
“Uniting two lives involves complementary love
that aims to combine shortcomings into a joint
strength.”
29
LOCKING
OUT &
KEYING IN
30
We stay devoted because we have
been convinced that we are loved.
Believing that the grass is
greener on the other side is just
an illusion. You’ll soon realise
it when you go out to seek a
“substitute mate”.
Eternal love knows no envy,
feels no competition and builds
no defences. It is a quiet place
of happiness and contentment.
Don’t buy into the myths of
midlife crisis and the sevenyear itch. Trust your conscience
to do what is right.
Timeless love is that elixir of life
that keeps a couple glowing
right up to the twilight years.
Assuming that your love can fly
on autopilot is the surest way to
lose direction and drift apart.
Openness and authenticity in a
committed marriage happens
when each has a strong sense
of security in the relationship.
Don’t base your marriage on
your emotions of the moment.
Often, they are unreliable and
will change in no time.
A fulfilling marriage brings
much cheer and vitality and
it promotes strong feelings of
emotional and physical wellbeing.
Claiming that you and your
spouse will never stray is foolish
complacency. Stay vigilant at
all times to keep the marriage
intact.
Keeping a right attitude of
humility and tender love will
help keep the commitment
barometer at a steady mark.
The Journey Into Intimacy
Road map to a lifelong & fulfilling marriage
Write down ways you and your spouse can
prepare for the road ahead to make your
journey into intimacy a reality.
TAKE STOCK
What do you cherish most
about your relationship?
FORGIVE
What are some past hurts
you’ve been holding on to?
QUALITY TIME
Write down activities you
enjoy doing together.
BE SELFLESS
Write down ways that you can
put your spouse first.
DANGER AHEAD
COMMUNICATE
Identify areas in your
relationship that may need
extra care and vigilance.
What are some issues you’ve
been wanting to discuss with
your spouse?
31
Does Marriage
Need Preparation?
additional resources
The date is set, the invitations have been mailed, the flowers and cake are ordered… The
preparations for your big day are all coming together and the details are nearly finalised. Or are
they? Is there anything you’ve forgotten? Before you say, “I do”, are you prepared for the days
after the wedding?
Marriage Preparation Programmes are designed to ready a couple for the everyday joys and
trials that a marriage inevitably brings. For some couples, the transition from the romance of
courtship to the realities of marriage is sometimes more challenging than they anticipated. These
programmes help lay the healthy foundation that a resilient and long-lasting marriage is built
on.
Like all valuable things in life, a marriage involves investment. Research has shown that couples
who invest wisely in marriage preparation have a greater chance of going the long haul in a
thriving – and not just surviving – relationship. Gain insights into your future spouse, establish habits
to keep love going, enhance your communication for greater fulfilment, and tackle issues such
as finances and conflict resolution before they become an obstacle in your relationship.
So before you walk down the aisle, be sure you’re prepared both mentally and emotionally
for your new life together as husband and wife. For more information and a list of Marriage
Preparation Programmes, visit: www.family.gov.sg/marriagepreparation.
eE
What some couples say about Marriage Preparation Programmes:
“Through Connect2, we
had the opportunity to talk about key
issues which we otherwise would not. The
candid facilitators and intimate setting provided
a safe environment for us to share openly. It was
also encouraging for us to hear the journeys
of other dating and married couples.”
– Vicky Ho (attended Connect2 by
Focus on the Family Singapore)
e
“Marriage goes beyond the wedding –
it is for the rest of our lives. So we felt a
marriage preparation programme would
help enhance our new life together.”
– John Wu (attended Marriage Preparation
“We still keep in touch with our
counsellors and course mates. We know
they will always be ready to lend a listening
ear or share their experiences. We learnt so
much from the programme, and the advice
remains applicable in our marriage.”
– Joyce Ang (attended Marriage Preparation
Course by TOUCH Family Services)*
Course by TOUCH Family Services)*
32
*Excerpted from Just Married - Live It. Love It! by MCYS
additional resources
People express and receive love in different ways.
Discover your Love Language in 30 seconds.
The 5 Love
Languages
Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as English from Chinese.
No matter how hard you try to express love in “English”, if your spouse understands only “Chinese”, you will
never understand how to love each other.
Choose the following statement that is most true of you or your loved one:
A
B
I feel especially loved
when people express
how grateful they are for
me and for the simple
everyday things I do.
C
D
I feel especially loved
when a person gives me
undivided attention and
spends time alone with
me.
E
I feel especially loved by
someone who brings me
gifts and other tangible
expressions of love.
I feel especially loved
when someone pitches
in to help me, perhaps by
running errands or taking
on my household chores.
I feel especially loved
when someone expresses
feelings for me through
physical contact.
Your choice means your primary love language is:
A
B
C
D
E
Words of Affirmation. You feel loved when another person tells you that he or she values you as
a person and appreciates your special way with the most ordinary tasks. Verbal appreciation
and words of encouragement work powerfully for you.
Quality Time. You feel closest to another person when you receive focused attention. Quality
time is about having quality conversations with your loved one where there is sharing of
experiences, thoughts and feelings in a friendly and uninterrupted context as well as engaging
in activities together.
Receiving Gifts. Tangible expressions of love assure you that the other person is not only thinking
of you, but that he or she cares enough to show it. If your spouse relates to the language of
receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love, be it free, frequent, expensive, or rare, will leave
them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.
Acts of Service. You feel most loved when someone helps you carry out your responsibilities.
Acts of service may require both spouses to humble themselves into doing some chores and
services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. It should be done out of love and not
obligation.
Physical Touch. You feel most loved when you literally make contact with another person. You
enjoy being embraced and feeling another’s touch. It is important to learn how your mate
speaks the physical touch language. Take time to learn the touches your spouse likes and
discover how he or she responds physically and psychologically to these touches.
While everyone has a primary love language, the love language of your spouse may be a combination
of different languages. Thus, it is useful to learn to speak all five love languages.
Adapted from The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman and www.fivelovelanguages.com
33
Conception
Basics
additional resources
Getting into the Mood for Intimacy
• Banish bedroom invaders. Sexual intimacy sometimes takes a backseat to our busy careers
and numerous other obligations. Ban intimacy killers - laptops, mobile phones and TV - from
your bedroom! Let it be a place of rest and romance.
• A matter of courtesy. Research has identified a consistent trait of loving marriages: Courtesy!
So treat your spouse with consideration, and kill that harsh word or sarcastic remark. It makes
easing into “that lovin’ feeling” later on, much easier.
• Set the stage. Emotional intimacy is a prelude to sexual intimacy, especially for women.
When she feels understood, supported and valued, it will naturally lead to feeling closer
to her spouse and being eager for physical intimacy. Set the stage by having a relaxing
conversation over dinner or simply cuddling together.
Enhancing Sexual Intimacy
• Plan ahead. Planning is a powerful key to fulfilling sexual intimacy. Schedule sex into your
calendar: the air of anticipation can be powerfully arousing for both parties. How about
taking half a day off work mid-week and enjoying some private time when everyone else is
in the office?
• Expand the definition of sex. Sexual intimacy is not just about intercourse. Expand the
definition of sex to include other options that might be just as comfortable and fulfilling, such
as sensual massages. Emphasise pleasure, not just achieving orgasm.
• Communicate and demonstrate. Many couples leave their sexual satisfaction to guesswork.
Don’t. Show your spouse how and where you want to be touched, and get him/her to do
likewise. Take turns to ask each other open-ended questions like, “What would you like me
to do for you today?”
Eliminate Intimacy Killers
• Manage tiredness. This is Enemy No. 1 for busy urban couples, but you can manage it simply
by learning to say “no” to some things that encroach on your couple time. Sometimes,
making changes to your routine can open up opportunities, for example, morning sex might
work out better than bedtime sex, simply because you have had a good night’s rest.
• Banish boredom - experiment! Couples tend to fall into a rut in their sexual relationship every
now and then. Inject freshness into your sexual relationship by trying out a new position or a
new location. Get creative!
• Don’t use sex as a bargaining tool. Withholding sex when you are upset with your spouse
turns sex into a power struggle instead of an opportunity for deep connection.
• Don’t get fixated on baby-making. It is ironic, but often couples who are planning for a baby
find themselves stressed out trying to conceive, so pleasure becomes the last thing they
think about. Relax and have fun!
• Deal with past baggage. Sometimes sex is hampered by one partner’s self-esteem, or by
negative past experiences. Seek professional counselling so that you can move on and
enjoy your relationship to the fullest. Organisations like aLife (www.alife.org.sg) provide
assistance and counselling services related to fertility and pregnancy.
34
additional resources
Maximising Your Baby-Making Efforts
When the stage is set for action, maximise your baby-making efforts by observing and taking note
of your most fertile period. The most fertile period takes place immediately after ovulation and
can be identified through a few indicators. Here are some things to look out for:
• Observe your cervical mucus. Prior to ovulation, during non-fertile periods, the woman
generally experiences a lack of cervical mucus. As she approaches ovulation, the mucus
will increase. Its consistency will be sticky and the colour may be white, yellow or cloudy in
nature. When this mucus is copious, semi-transparent and “slippery”, resembling like raw
egg white, she is at her most fertile. You can also consider observing cervical position, which
is also an indicator of ovulation and fertility.
• Look at your menstrual history. This calendar method predicts ovulation by looking at a
woman’s menstrual history. Each cycle begins with the first day of the menstrual period and
ends with – but does not include – the first day of the next cycle. To pinpoint your ovulation
period, look at the past records and find the shortest cycle, and subtract 14 from the total
number of days. For instance, if your shortest cycle is 28 days, subtracting 14 from it would
give you “14”. Count 14 days from Day One (inclusive) and that would likely be your most
fertile period. The drawback of this method is that its accuracy depends largely on the
regularity of your menstrual cycle. It should ideally be used with other fertility predictive
methods.
• Measure your basal body temperature (BBT). Another indication of ovulation is the increase
in body temperature. “A rise in your body temperature does not indicate the arrival of
ovulation. Rather, it means that ovulation has just occurred,” explains Dr Peter Chew, a
senior consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist. “Your temperature rises a day or two after
ovulation, but the egg can only live 12 to 24 hours. That means that by the time your body
temperature rises, the egg would already be gone. However, by charting your temperature,
you can then predict the most fertile period in future cycles.” Charting should be done from
the first day of menstruation. As the basal body temperature is the temperature taken at
rest, measure your temperature in the morning before engaging in any activity. You should
have had at least three consecutive hours of sleep. As soon as there is a slight increase in
body temperature, around 14 days into the cycle — usually between 0.2˚C to 0.4˚C — it can
be assumed that ovulation has occurred. This rise can be gradual or sudden, and it can vary
from cycle to cycle. When used over time, charting your BBT will help you predict ovulation
and your most fertile period.
(Excerpted from Maybe Baby by MCYS)
35
Parenthood
Support
additional resources
BABY
BONUS
1st child
2nd child
3rd child
4th child
+
MEDICAL
BENEFITS(medisave)
Cash Gift
Children
Development
Maternity
Account (CDA) Package
for each child:
for each child:
$4,000
$6,000
$4,000
$6,000
$6,000
$12,000
$6,000
$12,000
$18,000
5th child and above
The cash gift will be given out
in four equal instalments over
18 months.
The Medisave
Maternity
Package allows
you to withdraw
up to $450
of Medisave
for the predelivery medical
expenses for all
your children. This
is in addition to
the amount of
Medisave that
can be used for
delivery.
Assisted
Reproduction
Technology (ART)
The Government
will co-fund
ART treatments,
such as in-vitro
fertilisation, at
public hospitals.
Couples who
qualify will
receive 50%
co-funding of
up to $3,000
per treatment
cycle, up to a
maximum of
three cycles.
For the remaining
costs, you can
withdraw up to
$6,000, $5,000
and $4,000
from Medisave
for up to three
treatment cycles
respectively.
The Government will match
dollar-for-dollar the amount
of savings you contribute to
your child’s CDA up to the
specified ceiling.
LEAVE
BENEFITS
paid maternity
leave
16 weeks
The last eight weeks of maternity leave can be taken
flexibly over a period of 12 months from the date of
confinement if there is mutual agreement between the
employer and the employee.
paid childcare
leave
6 days
Working parents with any Singaporean child under the age
of seven are entitled to six days of paid childcare leave a
year, regardless of the number of qualifying children.
unpaid infant care
leave
6 days
Working parents with any Singaporean child under the age
of two are entitled to six days of unpaid infant care leave
a year regardless of the number of qualifying children.
36
additional resources
TAX
BENEFITS
Parenthood Tax
Rebate (PTR)
for each child:
$5,000
$10,000
Qualifying Child Relief
(QCR)/Handicapped
Child Relief (HCR)
From Year of Assessment
2009, parents can claim
$4,000 and $5,500
of QCR and HCR
respectively for each
child. You are only eligible
to claim either QCR or
HCR on the same child.
QCR/HCR may be shared
with your spouse.
Working
Mother’s Child
Relief (WMCR)
for each child:
15%
of mother’s
earned income
20%
of mother’s
earned income
$20,000
25%
$20,000
25%
$20,000
25%
From Year of Assessment
2009, parents can claim PTR
for all qualifying Singaporean
children who are born or
legally adopted on or after
1 Jan 2008. PTR can be used
to offset your income tax
payable and may be shared
with your spouse.
From Year of Assessment
2009, working mothers can
enjoy WMCR up to 100% of
their earned income for all
their qualifying Singaporean
children.
of mother’s
earned income
of mother’s
earned income
of mother’s
earned income
1st child
2nd child
3rd child
4th child
5th child and above
+
The total amount of QCR/HCR and WMCR claimable for each child is capped
at $50,000.
Learn all about the claims, reliefs and rebates that are available for parents at:
www.family.gov.sg/MnP
Parenting is not a journey you have to walk alone.
37
Recommended
Websites
www.marriagecentral.sg
Marriage Central is a one-stop portal by the National Family Council
to promote stronger, healthier and happier relationships. It gives
creative ideas and useful advice from preparing for the wedding
to living and loving in a marriage to keeping love evergreen over
the years.
www.family.gov.sg/marriage
Practical tips for relationship development and sustaining a healthy
marriage.
www.nfc.org.sg
www.thinkfamily.sg
The National Family Council websites share views on issues relating
to families; inform you of events that you can enjoy and benefit
from as a family, and more importantly, provide an avenue to hear
from you.
www.family.gov.sg/MnP
Information about government schemes and benefits relating to
marriage and parenthood.
38