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7. Befriending the Difficult
Teachers’ Notes
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
Lesson 7 – Befriending the Difficult
Objectives
For pupils to:
•
Understand stress: where it comes from, why it is necessary, how it works and the
potentially harmful effects.
•
Identify and draw their “stress signature” - where in the body do they feel stress?
•
Learn to respond rather than react, by ‘turning towards’ and ‘being with’ difficult
emotions.
Lesson Flow
Bad things happen.
But can you
respond, rather
than react?
• We can’t avoid bad things
happening
• But our minds can often make
things worse
• We can train ourselves to
respond rather than react
Explain stress and
what it does to us
• Stress is programmed into us
by evolution. It is helpful
• Explain fight or flight
• But constant stress can be
damaging. Explain harmful
effects
Play shockball
• Induce ‘boundaried’ stress via
a game like shockball
• Constantly remind pupils to
turn towards body sensations
• … and to ground themselves
by dropping attention into the
lower half of the body
• …and breathing with or into
these sensations
Pupils draw their
stress signature
Ask pupils to draw their stress
signature. Where exactly do they
personally feel stress?
Home Practice
Resources
The Guest House
Shockball
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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Last week we learned to look at the thoughts passing through our
minds as traffic, with the bigger ones being like “thought buses”
that take us for a ride.
This week we explore even more powerful things: strong emotions
– and how we can learn to work skilfully with them.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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Difficulties happen to EVERYONE.
No-one’s life is straight-forward and easy, despite what we may be
tempted to imagine. Our life is not uniquely flawed.
Difficulties in life are not somehow a mistake. It’s not that life is
meant to be easy, but somehow goes wrong. Difficulty is an
integral part of every human life.
Stuff / “Shit” happens!
[If you’re unhappy with the language on this slide please let us
know and we can send you a ‘safe’ version which says “stuff
happens”. However, we’ve found the humour and tone of this slide
tends to be enjoyed and appreciated.]
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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The question is: when stuff happens, are we going to react or
respond? [Refer back to Lesson 4. Check that they understand the
difference]. Given we KNOW that stuff will happen, the whole
quality of our life depends on whether we react to it or can learn to
respond.
We can so easily make situations much more difficult for ourselves
by being reactive to them… by letting our anger, or our worry, or
our fear and anxiety take over and make things even worse.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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The last lesson was all about not being reactive to difficult
thoughts. This one is more about not being reactive to difficult
emotions. Let’s take the example of stress.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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In what situations do YOU feel stress?
Please look up lesson 7 in your booklets and answer the question
by listing some of the key situations in which you tend to feel
stress.
Exams? Music / drama performances? Arguments at home?
Difficult friendships? Too much homework?
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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They could read the details either to themselves or round the class.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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So what happens to you when you get stressed?
We can notice that stress affects BODY, MIND & ACTIONS – you
could remind them of the hot cross bun model from lesson 3 linking
THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS, BODY SENSATIONS & BEHAVIOUR in
feedback loops.
Please list in your booklet some of the effects that you notice that
stress has on YOUR body and actions.
What does stress feel like in the body?
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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Being constantly stressed, constantly primed for fight or flight has
wearing, damaging long-term effects on our bodies.
Here are some of them.
There is lot of text here, but this serves the purpose of making the
pupils aware of just how many long term effects there are. Usually
it is easier to project these effects one by one and let them read
quietly as you click through.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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[Continue.]
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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Many of the ways that stress affects our bodies are programmed
into us by evolution – they evolved to help us deal with daily
threats such as [CLICK] this sabre-toothed tiger!
They were life savers that enabled us to “Act smart without having
to think smart [which takes longer].”
They prepared us for FIGHT or FLIGHT – for physical action that
uses these stress hormones and burns them up. [If you are
comfortable with the physiology and neuroscience of fight/flight
then this might be a good moment to explain.]
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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The problem is that it tends not to be sabre-toothed tigers
requiring a very physical response that most of us face these days.
Exams, difficulties at home, difficult relationships, body image,
these are all modern day sabre-tooth tigers, they are all ‘threats’
which activate our built-in survival mechanisms.
[CLICK] No physical burn-up of stress hormones like cortisol and
adrenaline.
These built-in survival mechanisms were designed to fuel physical
action (fight or flight) – increasing the heart rate, pumping blood to
the major muscles etc. – but modern urban life is much less
physical. Dealing with modern stresses triggers mental activity
rather than physical. We therefore don’t tend to spend and burn
up our stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline in fight or
flight. Instead, they end up getting stored in our bodies, rather
than expelled. They accumulate over time and increase our
baseline levels of stress, leading us frequently to over-think and
ruminate. [Refer back to lesson 3.]
[CLICK] No camp-fire time
We also live much more fast-paced lives than our ancestors, that
provide much less chance for rest and recovery [around camp
fires!] than their lives did. The result is that our bodies rarely get
the opportunity to rebalance themselves.
There are many consequences of storing up all these stress
hormones. One of them is that modern, urban people [especially]
tend to live their lives in a perpetual state of stress, even if it’s lowlevel. Maybe you feel this at school sometimes with constant talk
of exams, performance, homework, university targets etc. etc.;
maybe you see this in your parents and others around you.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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So the objective of this lesson is to help you become aware of
where exactly in your own body you tend to feel and even store
stress. In your student booklets you’ll see this outline of a person,
and by the end of the next exercise I’d like you to be able to draw
on your ‘person’ where it is that you feel the physical sensations
of stress.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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Now ideally I’d bring my sabre-toothed tiger into the lesson and
induce stress in the class in that way. But unfortunately I don’t
have one of those with me today. However…
[Notice immediately how the atmosphere in a room can change,
and over the next few slides constantly bring the class’ attention to
what they are noticing in themselves moment by moment.]
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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I do have a way of inducing electric shocks!
We’re going to look at what stress feels like by threatening you
with some small electric shocks.
Already, just with me saying this, can you feel any changes in your
body? [Discuss]
In the following exercise you are partly acting. You can buy these
‘shockballs’ in Amazon or in a toy shop and the shock they deliver is
tiny. However the aim is to induce some stress and to provide a
safe, boundaried, practical opportunity for pupils to observe their
stress signature and to try out some of the skills they’ve learned in
the course for relating differently to stress. In summary, you are
doing three things:
1.
Inducing stress by creating a playful sense of uncertainty and
anxious anticipation
2.
Getting them to notice exactly where they are feeling this in
the body
3.
Giving them an opportunity to practice using strategies to
deal with it
Having said all of the above, make sure you check to see if there is
anyone who might not be able to play for medical reasons. Of
course, another approach is to have no batteries in the ball at all, so
that the whole thing is a risk-free fabrication!
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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A few details to check before we begin properly… [So, here you are
‘winding them up’ a little.]
Please could you put up your hand if you are not yet 14?
When we begin, if you have epilepsy or a heart condition please
could you observe this exercise rather than take part.
Just observe any changes that are taking place in your body after
I’ve said these things.
Any change in heartbeat?
In your breathing?
Observing these in David Attenborough mode, with curiosity, with
kindness, with patience. [Discuss]
Get out the shockball and show them. Again, ask them what they
are noticing in themselves.
You can add to the atmosphere by turning down the lights so that
they can see more clearly the red glow of the ball when it gives a
shock.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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A few words of advice before we begin
Turn towards the feelings of stress, in other words, make friends
with them. Observe them like visitors in your body, guests that
have come to see you. Observe them using David Attenborough
mode.
[CLICK] Notice how the boy is looking at the snake with real
curiosity, turning towards it with a kind of fearless interest.
Don’t try to avoid these feelings of stress. They are completely
natural. Allow them to happen; don’t resist them. Stress happens.
If you resist it, you add to it.
By allowing it and accepting it, you won’t be feeding it.
Allowing it also enables you to begin to understand it, and by
understanding it you will loosen its grip on you.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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It’s all about your relationship with these physical feelings.
Remember the tiny tinglings we observed in Lesson 4 when we
were eating something we didn’t like. Breathe with the feelings, or
even breathe INTO the feelings and breathe out from them too.
Somebody once said “What you can breathe with you can be
with”.
It’s not always easy. [CLICK] This woman may be very afraid but you
sense that she is trying to be with the experience and breathe into
it as best she can.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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In other words take the time to .b
START THE SHOCKBALL EXERCISE
HERE.
Let’s begin, though, by getting into
a large circle. If anyone, at any time,
feels uncomfortable with this
exercise then simply move to the
side of the classroom and sit quietly
observing.
In other words, when you feel the stress [CLICK], .b it. Feel your feet on the floor
and breathe.
Ask them all to stand completely still in the circle whilst you get out the shockball.
Maintain silence as best you can or they can get very excited. Best to try to do all
of this very gently, very purposefully, encouraging them to be in their own bubble
for the time being and not to distract each other. All their attention should be on
their own movements and feelings. They are putting themselves under the
microscope.
As we stand here, letting your eyes rest on the floor in front of you, begin by just
settling into this current moment. Feel your feet on the floor. Become aware of
your breath. Notice whatever feelings are in your body. Notice in particular any
signs of stress. [Discuss]
We’re going to play catch with it, and it goes off randomly every 10 or so seconds,
so it’s a bit like playing hot potatoes. We pass it around between us and one of us
will catch it when it’s in shock mode. When you catch it you have to hold onto it
for 1 second (count 1 – 2 out loud). You can’t just bounce it back like a volleyball.
Do a practice round, and then go round the group one by one and ask, where in
their bodies they feel the stress. Encourage simple answers: “legs”, “stomach”,
“shoulders” etc.
This is the point at which they can decide whether or not they actually want to
take part. Ask everyone in the group to face outwards. Then, ask them to turn to
face the centre once more if they want to take part. If they don’t want to take
part that is fine as it will already have been a useful learning exercise. Those who
don’t wish to take part step outside the circle, sitting on a desk or standing just on
the edge of the group to watch and continue to observe their own sensations.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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Of course, this lesson isn’t really about the shockball, it’s about
something much more than that. The shockball stands for all the
difficult experiences of our lives and how to respond, rather than
react to them.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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Make a play of turning the shockball on very carefully.
Now 30 seconds of silence, again paying attention to what is happening in you.
Paying attention to your hands, for instance, what is happening there? What is
happening in your body right now? What sensations? What thoughts? What
feelings? Just observe whatever is happening, practising opening up to these
experiences rather than pushing them away, accepting that this is what stress
feels like. Maybe using a .b to resource yourself if needed.
Begin the game… pause intermittently for periods of observation. Go round the
group once or twice, but Don’t play for too long or it can hijack whole lesson!
Campfire time
Having brought the class back to their seats…
Let’s think of this as campfire time now.
How does it feel to have experienced stress?
Is there any residue in the body?
What does the body feel like as it begins to unwind?
If there are sensations of discomfort around still – aches, sweatiness, tension –
not only noticing these sensations but softening and allowing them to be here?
Can you breathe with these sensations as you feel them?
Can you practice staying really alert as your body begins to re-balance itself?
Depending on how long you have, you might extend this into a more substantial
FOFBOC.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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If there’s time, it is well worth reading the poem ‘The Guest House’
by the great C13th Persian poet, Jellaludin Rumi. It’s printed in the
Student Booklets. One way to read it is to do so round the class,
changing readers at the end of each sentence. It may be helpful to
read it back to them yourself at the end of this process so that it
can really sink in.
What for you is the most important and helpful line in this poem?
What advice does Rumi give about how to relate to thoughts and
moods?
In effect, what he is recommending is that you turn towards these
difficult guests: .b –ing them, so to speak, by breathing into them
and ‘being with’ them. [CLICK]
This is not easy, though. It feels so un-natural precisely because it is
going against a million years of autopilot!
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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For your home practice this week please do your very best to do at
least one practice, of your choice, before the next lesson. Please write
this down in your homework diary [for example]. Make a heartfelt
commitment to do this either every day, or even only once, even if
only for 10 seconds! We’ve done lots of different practices, each one
lasting for a different length of time, and I don’t mind which one you
do.
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You could do one 7-11 the day before our final lesson, lasting only
10 seconds [CLICK]
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You could count the number of breaths you do in a minute, either
once or every day [CLICK]
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You could do a 2 minute challenge [CLICK]
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Or sit quietly watching thoughts come and go for 5 minutes
[CLICK]
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Or do a FOFBOC, with our without the sound file, which is less
than 10 minutes [CLICK]
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Or a Beditation of a similar length [CLICK]
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If you’re really up for it then try sitting like a statue for 15 minutes.
[CLICK]
And if you REALLY want to learn fast, do this every day!
All the research says that the more practice you do, the more you
benefit, BUT there is no point in vowing to do something that is
unrealistic.. I look forward to hearing how you get on when we have
our final lesson, next week.
© Mindfulness in Schools Project, 2013
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