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How To Grow A Wicked Porn Stache
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Intro
Men have been sporting mustaches since prehistoric times. They have waxed and
waned in popularity in every social class and in every culture. Many famous men
wore mustaches from the very wise and referred Confucius and Buddha to Jesus
Christ.
Believe it or not, mustaches have never stopped being cool, it’s just like a lot of
people aren’t cool enough to wear them.
It hasn't been that long since the mustache was in vogue, but its last ascendance
was probably in the 1980’s, when the advertising campaign "Where's The Beef??"
was coined after an eager young marketing intern repeatedly heard this phrase from
every woman he met in the summer of 1983. He failed to realize it was an
unconscious response to the lack of new episodes in the offseason for Magnum P.I.
While the '90s were more or less clean-shaven, the new millennium has been nothing
if not hirsute. Scraggly beards have been de rigueur, especially among hoodiewearing collegiate types, for whom grooming has always been somewhat
discretionary.
But now it seems the hairy upper lip is making a come-back.
Bushy beards have been the rage, Groomed stubble is so passé. Indie rock beards,
old hat. These days, it's all about the mustache.
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Tom Selleck’s case point
Give a man a Ferrari and he gets laid for a day. Teach a man how to grow
Tom Selleck's mustache and he gets paid to get laid.
Tom Selleck was originally cast to play the role of Michael Knight in the Knight
Rider series. When he found out that his costar would be a Firebird instead of
a Ferrarri, he promptly declined the role and then boned the producer's wife.
Tom Selleck uses the discarded satin panties of his conquests as dinner
napkins.
The most effective form of birth control for men is not being Tom Selleck.
The Magnum in Magnum P.I. represents Tom Selleck's favorite brand of
condom. The P.I. stands for "Perpetually Insatiable". This, of course, refers to
Tom's superhuman libido.
Chuck Norris may kill people, but Tom Selleck has sex with their widows.
Recent research indicates that global warming can be attributed solely to the
effect of Tom Selleck's mustache on women.
Tom Selleck's mustache is Victoria's Secret
Last but not least, in case of emergency, Tom Selleck's mustache can be used
as a flotation device.
To sum it up, Tom Selleck has one sweet mustache! If you're a guy and you don't like
Magnum P.I. then you better go to the backroom and make sure your balls are still in
your pants you girly man as naked lips don’t drive Ferraris.
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Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Instructions
1. Stop Shaving Your Upper Lip – Duh. Just let that area marinate. Give it plenty of
sun, don’t scrub too hard with the face wash and avoid exposure to radioactive
materials.
2. Let It Grow While Shaving Around It – You’re growing a mustache, not a beard.
Make sure you keep your cheeks and chin clean. And the neck, too. No one likes a
Neck beard.
3. Embrace the Mustache that Suits You – You’ll soon begin to notice that your
mustache has a personality and certain natural aptitudes. If your mustache wants to
curl around the lips, let it. If you have connectors that allow it to bridge the gap
between lip and chin, congratulations, you’re Fu manchu material.
Able to grow long hairs quickly? You may be able to go Handlebar.
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4. Nurture Your Crops – Once you have a bountiful harvest on your upper lip, you
must tend to the field. Get a mustache comb. Consider some mustache wax. Trim
and maintain. You have a responsibility now. You’re no longer alone. You’re part of a
team. Don’t be selfish.
5. Wipe – Seriously. You’re eating for two now. But your mustache will make an effort
to hoard food and you cannot allow this. Wipe often with napkins. Wipe extra with
tissues. Wipe like you have never wiped before. No one can see your dingle berries,
but everyone will see that Boston creme.
I hope you all feel better now that I’ve addressed these rudimentary issues and I also
hope that you’ll go forth and grow staches of your own. Be that as it may, it is
impossible to make your stache grow faster than your genes tell it to grow. Boosting
your testosterone level with pills may help but good luck getting a scrip for that!
Mustachely,
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