Pantano Christian Church
By Pastor Jeff Parziale
Mentoring
The essence of mentoring is a relationship in which one person shares knowledge
and experience with another, empowering that person to change, grow or acquire
new knowledge or skills. Nearly anyone can mentor—if they are willing to share
what they've learned and experienced with another.
Biblical Underpinnings
While the Bible never directly uses the word mentor, the following passage,
highlighting the relationship of Paul and Timothy, certainly reflects Paul’s
mentoring of Timothy and strongly reinforces the principle that relationship is the
core of mentoring.
In 2 Timothy 3:10-11 Paul writes, “You’ve been a good apprentice to me, a part of my
teaching, my manner of life, direction, faith, steadiness, love, patience, troubles,
sufferings—suffering along with me in all the grief I had to put up with in Antioch,
Iconium and Lystra. And you also know well that God rescued me!” (The Message)
Many view Jesus relationship with His disciples as one of mentoring. The Greek
word translated “disciple” can also be translated learner, student or apprentice. In
1st century culture, a mathetes (Gr.) was only called such when he bound himself to
a master to acquire knowledge and skill.
Basic Definitions of Mentoring:
Mentoring with a Discipleship Focus:
“Mentoring is a God-given relationship in which one growing Christian encourages
and equips another believer to reach his/her potential as a disciple of Christ”
(Mentor, by Chuck Lawless).
Expanded Definition:
“Mentoring is a relational process in which a mentor, who knows, or has
experienced something, transfers that something (resources of wisdom,
information, confidence, insight, relationships, status, etc.) to a mentoree, at an
appropriate time and manner, so that it facilitates development or empowerment”
(Connecting by R. Clinton and P. Stanley).
In The Secret, Blanchard and Miller unpack a story of the mentoring relationship
between company CEO Jeff Brown and new Director of Corporate Client Services
Debbie Brewster. Ultimately, Debbie learns that the secret of being a great leader is
to SERVE.
So, in terms of leadership development, we can ask two questions which serve to
introduce the roles of mentor and mentee. “How can I (as mentor) help someone
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realize, develop and demonstrate their God-given leadership potential?” and “With
whom can I (as a mentee) connect who can help me discover, develop or refine my
leadership skills?”
When You are the Mentor
Mentor Defined
A person with a serving, giving, encouraging attitude that sees leadership potential
in another and is able to promote or otherwise significantly influence that person’s
growth in skills and/or character. Good mentors value mentoring as part of their
role and avoid focusing on their own professional needs and agendas, instead
helping mentees develop theirs. They take an interest in the mentee, provide both
professional and personal support, prompt a mentee to take risks, and help open
doors to opportunities.
Characteristics of Helpful Mentors
 Discernment: Ability to readily see potential in another
 Tolerance: For mistakes, brashness, etc. in order to see that potential develop
 Good listening skills: To ask great/hard questions, challenge and encourage
 Flexibility: To give room to fail, take risks; adaptability
 Patience: Knowing time and experience are needed for potential to develop
 Perspective: To see down the road and suggest next steps
 Giftedness: Abilities that build up and encourage; ability to apply knowledge
and experience
 Resource: Directing mentee to needed resources, people, relationships, and
opportunities
 Modeling: Various aspects of character and leadership; the mentor’s life is
literally on display
Selecting a Potential Mentee
Know what you are looking for in a potential mentee. Select someone who respects
you, who exhibits potential, who is seriously committed to the mentoring
relationship, and who is self-motivated, teachable and eager to learn and grow.
A Mentor Should Help A Mentee Do Five Things:
1. Discover strengths—find out what your mentee does well and strive to make
that area even stronger.
2. Develop character—grow morally and spiritually; define values, seven
leadership qualities.
3. Determine focus—narrow mentee’s focus to grow deeply in an area.
4. Discern blind spots—become self-aware with the help of others.
5. Close the gap between potential and performance—to help mentee become
all they can be.
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Key Questions To Ask When Interviewing A Potential Mentee
These questions will help you assess where you can really help a mentee. They also
make a great diagnostic. The answers can help your mentee put together a sensible
game plan for forward progress.
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Why are you looking for a mentor and what do you expect to get out of
mentioning? What do you expect to give?
Have you worked with a mentor before and if so, what worked or did
not work?
What is it that you really want to be and do? This question is about
aspiration and purpose.
What are you doing really well that is helping you get there? This
question helps spotlight core strengths and a mentee’s ability to execute
towards his/her goal.
What are you not doing well that is preventing you from getting there?
This is about facilitating an honest and critical assessment of the roadblocks,
challenges or weaknesses in a mentee that is slowing his or her ability to
meet the goal from question one.
What will you do differently to meet those challenges? Use this question
to probe whether a mentee has the readiness, aptitude or capacity to change
behavior.
How can I help/where do you need the most help?
If mentoring is successful, what will you be able to do more effectively?
The answers to these questions matched against areas where you as a mentor have
particular strengths, relationships, or learning resources – should help determine if
a potential mentee is a good fit and how you can best help someone achieve their
goal.
Practical Mentoring Issues
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Pray about a request to mentor and make sure you sense God leading you.
Select a mentee wisely; check motivation, commitment and teachability.
Don’t dominate the establishing of a mentoring relationship; be sure you get
buy-in from the mentee.
Refrain from giving out too many tasks too early; allow the mentee to set the
pace.
Most mentoring “sags” in the middle, so keep tasks and time frames fresh and
do regular periodic reviews.
Be encouraging and constructive versus demeaning or discouraging. It’s
better to ask questions, such as “Why did you do that?” “What was your
reasoning there?”
Affirm your mentee when you see him or her do something well.
Don’t be afraid to challenge your mentee or ask hard questions; part of
mentoring is being that voice of accountability.
Avoid “sloppy” accountability and “weak” closures. End well.
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Encourage your mentee to consult with others. Let him or her know you
won’t feel disappointed or threatened if he or she seeks wise counsel from
others.
Every mentee should be encouraged to find someone to mentor.
Guidelines for Getting Started
Review with mentee what you would like to cover in the initial meeting. The
following topics can be used to define the mentoring relationship:
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Talk about what mentoring is and isn’t.
Talk about why you mentor and what you get out of it.
Discuss what is confidential and what is not.
Ask mentee what they would like to get out of the partnership.
Ask mentee some questions to begin to get to know more about them and what
they want.
6. Ask mentee what they would like to know about your background.
7. Ask what mentee needs from you.
8. Share what you need from the mentee; what’s important to you in the
relationship as a mentor, and how you like to work as a mentor.
9. Decide with your mentee on logistics and structures to be used to support the
relationship.
10. Mentor and mentee make some agreements based on above conversations about
how they want to be with each other to best support mentee in achieving their
agenda and goals.
11. Close with what the next steps are and agreeing on next meeting.
Potential Obstacles To The Mentoring Process
 Not establishing clear expectations
 Not re-visiting expectations and goals
 Tutoring rather than mentoring
 Lack of connection
 Refusing/unwilling to confront
 Inability to bring closure to the relationship
When You Are Being Mentored
Mentee Defined
A mentee is a person who receives empowerment in the mentoring relationship.
Helpful attitudes or characteristics include: a servant heart, respect for the mentor,
and a willingness to do what the mentor asks. The mentee is not an empty vessel
receiving the mentor’s advice and wisdom but rather, an active participant, shaping
the relationship. The ideal mentee welcomes accountability and assessment, is
receptive to advice and counsel, takes initiative and demonstrates responsibility,
honesty, and appreciation for his or her mentor.
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Finding a Mentor
First, define the essence of what you need from a mentor. What do you hope to
accomplish? How will you measure a successful outcome? What role would you like
a mentor to play?
Next, look for a person who shares your values and worldview, who possesses the
knowledge or skills you need, who you genuinely respect, who understands the role
of mentor and has time for you. In addition, look for someone who is still growing
and who values the mentoring process, both as a mentor and as a mentee. Finally,
look for someone who is available; who can devote an adequate amount of time and
attention to you.
Key Mentee Skills And Behaviors To Practice That Will Make Mentoring Effective
These skills allow you to benefit most from the mentoring relationship.
Learn To Be A Good Listener
 Listen for Central Ideas: Listen for core ideas, themes, or principles that
your mentor repeats, provides examples of, or emphasizes.
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Provide Feedback: Great communication (and learning) happens when a
message is clearly articulated and correctly received. Both are needed for
successful empowerment to occur.
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Stay Engaged, Be Present: Most people can think five to six times faster
than another person can talk. It’s critical to say focused and engaged.
Build Trust
A mentoring relationship is based on trust. You will place a great deal of trust in a
mentor to provide helpful guidance. At the same time, your mentor must trust that
you will not take advantage of the relationship. Building trust takes time, and can
be facilitated by behaviors that communicate responsiveness and commitment to
the mentoring process.
Get Comfortable With The Mentoring Process
It’s natural to feel somewhat intimidated by your mentor, or to fear making
mistakes or appear vulnerable. It may take time to fully view a mentor as a
partner. While being reluctant or hesitant is normal, it can be frustrating to a
mentor. Below are several ways to minimize any hesitancy and facilitate getting
comfortable in the relationship:
 Have a written list of questions before each meeting.
 Prepare a concrete set of goals and objectives.
 Visualize or rehearse conversations with mentor.
 Research your mentor's background.
 Prepare conversation points.
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Be Prepared for Mentoring Sessions
Model professionalism by being prompt and prepared for each session. Preparation
means coming to the conversation focused, well organized, and ready to give a brief
update on progress and developments, as well as proposed topics for the meeting.
Share Personal Goals
Sharing hopes, fears, ideas and goals openly allows a mentor to gain perspective
about the mentoring relationship and how best to guide and assist you.
Ask Direct Questions About What You Most Want To Know
The basis of a mentoring relationship is the imparting of information from one
person to another. Being able to ask for what you want or need is critical. Focused,
high quality questions allow you to get what you really want from your mentor and
to make the best use of the time. Let your mentor know what would be most helpful
to you to talk about. If the conversation strays, just prompt the mentor to return to
the original topic. You are responsible for ensuring that the conversation meets your
needs.
Ask Curious Questions
The most profitable mentoring sessions flow with a natural back-and-forth dialogue.
Be willing to ask curious questions, such as, “What was that like for you?” or “How
did you feel at the time?” Ask a question or two at the start of each session to get to
know your mentor’s experiences, such as, “I’d love to learn about your career
path…” or “What do you know in hindsight that you could share with me about how
you achieved professional success?”
Take Notes
It’s difficult to remember key points and commitments after the meeting. Keep a
notebook and jot down ideas and insights during the session, and in between
sessions. Capture the commitments that you and your mentor make to each other so
that you are able to follow up appropriately.
Provide Context and Brief Updates to Help Your Mentor Understand You
While the mentor doesn’t need to know every single thing about you, it’s helpful to
use the first session to get to know each other. At the beginning of each session,
provide a brief update on progress since the last conversation.
Respect the Mentor’s Boundaries
The mentor’s role is to support your development through regular conversation.
Communicate respectfully with your mentor. Be careful not to inundate him or her
with emails or phone calls outside of the session. Respect the time boundaries of the
session and do all you can to end at the agreed upon time.
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Follow Up On Agreements
If you’ve committed to take a step as a result of a mentoring session, make sure you
do so. It is discouraging for a mentor if you have made commitments that you don’t
act upon. You can also help your mentor to keep his or her commitments by sending
a brief thank you note after a session that also lists any agreed-upon actions from
either of you.
Say “Thank You!”
Remember to say thank you after each session and give appreciation for specific
insights or examples that helped you. This information will let your mentor know
more about what you value and how he or she is making a difference for you
Key Aspects Of The Mentoring Relationship (For Both Mentor And
Mentee)
Five Dynamics of Mentoring: These are always in play in the context of the
mentoring relationship and directly impact the mentee’s progress, change and level
of empowerment. The more intentional the mentoring process, the more important
these dynamics become.
1. Connection: This is the beginning point of a mentoring relationship. Connection
suggests a natural tendency for a mentor and mentee to move toward one
another; based on something inherent in both that draws them to one another.
The mentee is drawn to the mentor’s skills, experience, values, wisdom,
character, position or influence. The mentor is drawn to the mentee’s attitude,
potential, or opportunity to influence. As this connection strengthens, mutual
respect, trust and confidence deepen, and the potential for empowerment
increases. Mentees will close down and mentors will not sustain the relationship
without connection. Mentoring should never be forced on someone.
2. Relationship: Defines the personal interaction between mentor and mentee.
Mentoring is in essence a relational interchange; empowerment is the purpose of
the relationship. The deeper the relationship, the greater the space for safety,
trust and intimacy; the greater the respect for vulnerability and boundaries, the
greater the growth. The mentor’s role is to create an atmosphere where the
mentee feels safe to explore, question and risk. Several unique tasks allow the
mentor to create space for trust and intimacy: boundaries of confidentiality,
structure and guidance; welcoming push-back, questions, struggles and
emotions; and fostering ideas and curiosity.
3. Responsiveness: Addresses the mentees willingness to learn from the mentor,
to follow his or her lead; and to be faithful in carrying out prescribed
assignments. The mentor is responsible to help the mentee progress and grow.
Attitude is crucial. A responsive receiving attitude on the part of the mentee and
attentiveness and focus on the part of the mentor facilitate empowerment.
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4. Accountability: Accountability adds intentionality to the mentoring
relationship; growth or success never “just happen”. The mentor is responsible
for evaluating the mentee’s progress and holding him or her accountable for
doing what’s asked. Shared expectations, reviewing the mentee’s work, asking
questions and periodic evaluation strengthen the connection and increase
potential for progress. Basically accountability says, “This is where we want to
go, this is where we are now and this is what we need to accomplish to get
there.”
5. Empowerment: Examples include progress made in the mentee’s life; transfer
of resources from mentor to mentee, and the process of discovering one’s unique
voice. Growth is recognized and encouraged. The mentee becomes aware of
progress toward stated goals. Below are some ways a mentor empowers a
mentee:
 Character: By instilling, correcting or affirming traits and providing
perspective. Examples: faithfulness, discipline, integrity
 Skills: Identifying, developing or affirming skills. Examples: teaching, leading
 Values: Motivating, modeling, identifying, affirming and transferring values.
Examples: flexibility, feedback
Mentoring Framework (Important For Both Mentor And Mentee)
1. Establish And Develop The Relationship
Determine the connection: without good connection, mentoring becomes
tedious. Define the relationship: what does the mentee want/need, what are
mentee’s current skills, what is the mentor willing/able to do? Mentoring
requires a trusting, conﬁdential relationship based on mutual respect. It
involves a relationship with clear boundaries and expectations and a deﬁnite
time commitment.
2. Mentoring Contract: Mutually Agree On The Goals Of The Relationship
Make an agreement or covenant: time involvement, agreed upon goals, and
need to mentor others. Ask questions to understand the mentee’s goals and
expectations, the time involvement, etc. Understanding early on what you’re
both expecting fosters greater impact. The purpose of the mentoring
relationship should be mutually established with clearly deﬁned and written
goals and outcomes. A lack of clear goals and expectations represents the #1
reason mentoring relationships are unsuccessful and ineffective. When these
are clearly spelled out, openly discussed and re-visited from time to time,
each party knows their roles. Unclear goals and expectations make
accountability nearly impossible; unmet expectations lead to mentoring
failure.
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3. Agree On A Meeting Schedule
Decide on a series of steps to help a mentee achieve goals. Know your
availability. Agree on the frequency, length and method of time together.
Discuss the need for possible impromptu or crisis meetings. Intensive
mentoring, for example, would require meeting more often. In most cases,
regularly scheduled meeting times work best.
4. Agree On The Method And Structure Of Accountability
It’s critical to be up front and open about accountability, particularly what
type of accountability you prefer. People tend to do what we inspect, not
what we expect. Accountability provides a mechanism for monitoring and
measuring tasks and achievements. Methods might include written
assignments, discussions, questions or assessments.
5. Discuss Confidentiality
This is a must if a relationship of open and honest sharing is to develop.
Levels of confidentiality vary depending on several factors, such as the
personalities of the mentor and mentee, or the level of personal sharing. A
person’s need for confidentiality must be honored.
6. Set Up a Communication Mechanism
Set some ground rules. How and when will you communicate a need for
evaluation, a course correction or note a change in the relationship. Ask the
mentee, “How would like me to communicate a concern or correction?”
7. Set a Time Frame
Open-ended mentoring should be avoided; mentoring relationships are not
indefinite. Set realistic time frames. A time frame will be driven by the
availability of the mentor and the needs and goals of the mentee. Have clear
exit points. The best-case scenario is to set definite time periods, three
months for example, and then discuss progress and any change to the
mentoring contract.
8. Evaluation
Assess progress; make corrections when necessary. This is primarily a
mentor function. Few mentoring relationships are ideal and seldom are
expectations fully realized. Specific times to evaluate the process should be
determined. A lack of evaluation is a key weakness of most mentoring
relationships. Below are some basic questions both mentors and mentees
need to ask/answer.
 In what ways is (or isn’t) the mentoring relationship meeting your
expectations?
 In what ways are you a stronger learner/leader/believer because of
mentoring?
 What would you change about the way our relationship is working?
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How might I be a better mentor/mentee?
Do you want to continue this mentoring relationship?
If so, what should be our focus during the next six months?
9. Celebrate and End The Relationship
Few mentoring relationships address this, but closure is a critical part of
mentoring. Follow Covey’s rule, “Begin with the end in mind.” Talk about this
often, “What will closure look like?” The mentoring relationship ends when
the mentee and mentor agree that goals and expectations have been met well
enough.
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