LET’S TALK + MY SAY LET’S TALK ‘Let’s Talk’ is a quarterly column where a team of counselors and psychologists from the Counselling and Psychological Services (CPS) provides professional advice and tips for coping with your interpersonal and emotional concerns. <<<< Voting, eyes-wide-open. >>>> Healing from a Broken Heart Google ‘broken heart’ and you get almost 94 million hits. It’s a painful phase of life that many go through as they seek loving relationships. Some are able to recover from break-ups quickly while others may feel unable to move on for years. However there are some things we can do to help ourselves heal when our hearts get broken. 1. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO GRIEVE VANITA KANESON Counsellor, Counselling and Psychological Services (CPS), University Health Centre Counselling and Psychological Services Mainline: 6516 2376 Email: [email protected] There are a lot of messages out there that say that when our partner breaks-up with us, we must be strong, ought to have a stiff upper lip, should pretend that it does not matter to us etc. Throw these ‘must, ‘ought to’ and ‘should’ out the window. Stifling your natural emotions and trying to pretend to feel something you do not, is not going to be of any use to you. It may delay the healing process because emotions have a way of bursting through any dams you try to put on them. So give yourself permission to be in shock, to feel angry, to feel sad. It’s normal. Well-meaning friends and family at times may give you messages such as, ‘Quick! Fix yourself! It’s been too long! Move on! There are other fish in the sea!’ Their comments may come from a place of love and concern because to some extent it also hurts them to see you in pain. However, healing takes time. Do not rush yourself to feel better or allow others to rush you either. 3. PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE Healing from a broken heart is not a linear process; it’s a roller coaster ride. After the tears dry up, you may begin to feel less sad and even happy one moment. You may think you have fully healed. Friends and family may rejoice even. Then...BAM! You may see something or hear something that again triggers the painful memories and send you into the doldrums. This too is normal. This does not mean you have relapsed. Rather this is part of the process of healing and eventually the pain will just be a memory. Unfortunately, the man on the Clapham omnibus in Singapore too often fails to do so or is so coloured by his/her political inclination that any meaningful discussion is difficult. To this end, I can do no better than to quote John Dewey, “Genuine ignorance is profitable because it is likely to be accompanied by humility, curiosity, and open mindedness; whereas ability to repeat catch-phrases, coin terms, familiar propositions, gives the conceit of learning and coats the mind with varnish waterproof to new ideas”. 4. IT’S OKAY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS... AS MANY TIMES AS YOU NEED A lot of my clients who have gone through a break-up tell me that in the immediate aftermath of a break-up, they have willing listening ears and available shoulders to cry on. However after some time, they begin to feel that they shouldn’t be ‘bothering’ their friends and family anymore. Talking is a way to relieve the pain in your heart. It may not give you the solutions you want but it will ease the ache. If it becomes difficult to talk to friends and family, talk to a counsellor. We are here to listen to you...as many times as you need. 5. RE-LEARN YOURSELF Healing from a broken heart is one of the hardest things we can do but always remember and always tell yourself that even though it does not feel like it right then, that you will eventually feel better and learn to love again. However, I found the entire experience to be underwhelming. More often than not, the online discussions degenerate into contemptuous arguments, with the antagonists labelling the each other “Pro-establishment” or being advocates of change for the sake of change. I am trying not to adopt the moral high ground here but as voters truly concerned about the betterment of Singapore (as I believe most voters ultimately are), one should be debating/discussing about the substantive policies of all the parties, rather than on these non-substantive (and probably less than well-thought out) populist statements of politicians. I find it extremely disappointing that the term “Pro-PAP” or “Pro-Opposition” entails a somewhat negative connotation these days. This would not have happened if either set of supporters is able to articulate reasons for their support. By that, I also do not mean for one to merely regurgitate from respective manifestos/politicians. The point is that as individuals, we should think, rationalise and weigh up all these things that the politicians (PAP and oppositions alike) are telling us. Personal evaluation is necessary and in this regard, engaging in substantive debates/discussion about them (with person holding opposing views) will clearly assist in coming to a more informed conclusion. After all, the best choices are usually (and unsurprisingly) those that survive the process of rationalisation and robust critique/discussion. 2. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO HEAL A break-up can also have a silver lining. It can be an opportunity to learn about ourselves and discover our innate strength. In fact it’s very important to make peace with yourself and learn the ‘new you’ before you begin the next relationship or you may get into a rebound relationship that may not last. The ‘new you’ may have a different perspective and values from the ‘old you’. You need to understand this because no matter what, your most important relationship is with yourself. I was hesitant when first approached to write an article on my experience of the 2011 Singapore General Elections. Much had been made of the fact that many voters at this GE were first-time voters (like myself ) or that this GE presented a rare voting opportunity for many because their constituencies were previously uncontested. As a whole, I believe that Singaporeans, particularly the young voters, have shown ourselves to be much less apathetic than feared. Furthermore, the advent of new media have allowed the IT-savvy to access a whole range of alternative news sources (apart from the mainstream media) and to exchange their views on the various social media platform. M. KATHLEEN CASEY In the same vein, while the advent of alternative media sources have complemented the mainstream media and offered the public more varied perspectives, one should similarly evaluate the perspective that news stories (from mainstream and alternative sources) are being offered and their veracity. It is my hope that come next GE, most Singaporean voters will be able to articulate their own well-thought out reasons for their support of whichever politicians, for this will be a true mark of Singapore’s progress. ONG SHAO RONG LAW, YR 4 Something to share about your life in campus? Tell us at [email protected]. Don’t forget to include photographs too! 14 This is MY SAY