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6B- Savannah News-Press • Saturday, June 25, 1994 * * * *
At A Conference
How To
JEFFREY McSWEENEY/Staff
Unveiling
The Chatham County Humane Society unveiled
a billboard message Friday at Anderson and
Drayton streets, part of the society's plans to
raise money for a new animal shelter. The shelter, expected to cost $900,000, will be built on
the site of the current shelter, on Sallie Mood
Drive. Bruce Grulke of Design/Build Associates
of the Savannah College of Art and Design
made the architectural drawing. The Humane
Society message will stay on the billboard for a
year. To donate to the building fund, call 658PETS.
Even The Most Self-assured Become
Jittery Anticipating.Class .Reunions
By LESLIE WEDDELL
Colorado Springs Gazette Telegraph
Women worry about their weight. Men worry about
how well they're doing in their jobs
and about their
hairlines.
The cause of this angst? Class reunions, when even
the most self-assured become jitter}', College reunions
can be rough, but high school gatherings can bring on
nightmares.
"Reunions create an environment that triggers the
awkwardness and insecurities of the high school years."
says Anne Porter, a psychotherapist in private practice
in Colorado Springs.. Colo., and counselor with Penrose
Hospital's Profile Employee Assistance Program.
When the old cliques form at a reunion - as they often do - confidence can vanish
''Here you are. an adult, and you're dealing with the
insecurity of being unpopular again. Even though you
may be a fairly self-confident adult, in your mind there
may be people who are 'above' you on the popularity
scale." Porter says. "You may be a 40-year -old in the
'real world,' but you go to a high school reunion and
you're 16 again."
No wonder reunions are so emoiionally draining people are in a constant state of flux alternating between being 40 and being a teen-ager
"All of societal expectations about what it means to
be successful come out in a milestone event such as a
reunion." says Terrie Cox Pauly, a licensed clinical social worker in private practice. "It's unrealistic to expect what we expect, especially of women We want
them to be good mothers, have good marriages and careers - and to be thin," she says.
Lisa Graf, 38, is well aware of society's expectation.
A single mother who never married, she plans to take
her 3-year-old son to her 20th high school reunion next
month in River ton, Wyo.
"It's so traditional, so conservative, there," she
says. She plans to attend only the events she can take
her son to. "I guess^ in a way, he's my security blanket."
When the reunion was announced, she was excited,
but as it approaches she's apprehensive. "All these little
things keep coming up: Is it going to be all couples? Is
everyone tight with everyone else, except me 0 How will
they accept my being a single mom'? Where will I fit in?
I'm so different now than I was ir. hi^h school
and
probably very different than every!/>riy whr slaved in
town."
"A reunion is a microcosm of the world w e iive in,"
Cox Pauly says. Grafs concerns reflect many issues
that single parents face daily.
Porter compares reunions to pen'orrnance anxiety.
"In a way. it's like a job interview. We're on stage and
we feel that people are looking us over, evaluating us."
she says.
When those former classmates look us over, we want
them to be impressed with what they see "Reunions are
great motivators to lose weight, 1 ' says Mary Peet, a registered dietitian and president of the Colorado Springs
Dietetic Association.
"You know it's reunion season when people come
knocking the doors down, begging us to help them lose
20 years of accumulated weight gain in six weeks," says
Dayle Hayes, a registered dietitian in Billings, Mont.,
who addressed the Colorado Dietetic Association in Denver.'
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Rich Lehrer, a real estate agent who will be attending his 30th high school reunion this fall in Morrestown,
N.J., lost 20 pounds since being contacted in January
about the reunion. "I figure I don't have enough time to
have a face lift or hair transplant, so I've done the
weight-loss thing," he says. "I didn't want to show up
wearing a Hula Hoop for a belt"
While men are concerned about how they look, a
greater emphasis is placed on their work "It's OK for a
man to be bald and overweight if he has the right job. It
reflects society's values: women are valued for their appearance and men for what they do," Cox Pauly says.
Lehrer agrees that where a man is in his career is an
important factor in deciding whether or not to attend'a
reunion. "I wouldn't have wanted to go to my 20th or
25th reunion, but this is coming at a good time in my
life. The last few years of my career have been very
good. I also have a young wife and probably the youngest kid of anyone in the class," he says. (Lehrer has a 4year-old.) "It will be strange to see these women I knew
at 17 looking like grandmothers."
Lehrer says his class reunion is being organized by
the class "nerd" who has become highly successful.
"The whole thing is really about wanting to brag," he
says.
Bob Selveen, manager of Michael at the Carlyle in
The Citadel mall, attended his 20th high schoolj*eunion
last year in Irving, Texas, and says he enjoyed hearing
about his classmates' family lives more than their professional lives.
"To me. how happy you are should be more important than how much you make. There were some of
those who wanted to tell you their 20-year story, but they
were in the minority. No one really wanted to hear it."
Selveen also experiences reunions in another way:
He's swamped with requests from reunion-bound customers for highlighting or coloring to conceal their gray
hair. "It's mostly the women - the men aren't as concerned about graying. They'll come in and ask for a
good cut - and maybe a bit of fluffing if their hair is
thin."
It's hard to get away from the external qualities, but
Cox Pauly says there are other standards of success
that should be given more emphasis. "I think what kind
of person you are, what kind of soul you have, how you
treat others - that's what's important."
Women Who Scream More Likely To Avoid Rape
AP Special Features
Rape has increased by more than
38 percent over the last 10 years,
forcing women to decide what to d<»
in case of attack.
For years women were advised
that to fight back was to court injury
or death, according to Good Housekeeping. But last year a study of ]%'•
rapes in Omaha, Neb., found tha;
women who screamed, kicked or rar
were more likely to avoid rape than
women who tried pleading, crying or
offered no resistance The women
who defended themselves were no
more apt to be injured than those
who did not
wielding weapons such as keys, umbrella.1 or hat pins even vomiting
on the .itlacker.
"Depending on the situation, any
of these techniques can be effective," said Joseph Harpold, a supervisory special agent in the behavior
science unit at the FBI Academy in
Quantioo. Va. "But they could also
be worthless or even dangerous.1'
In the end. it is a judgment call.
"It's simplistic to think that you
can tell a woman 'resist1 or 'don't
resist.' That would be irresponsible." said Linda Fair-stein, director
of the ^ex Crimes Prosecution Unit
in the Mnnhattan District Attorney's
Office. l' % or every rape victim, the
encounter is unique. And while she
may havr> only a moment, she has to
-r/.e up t h < > itii.-ition and decide what
That is not proof that women
Should aggressively defend them
selves from a rapist, said Ani
Coyne, professor of social work a;
the University of Nebraska in Oma
f Lamp Repair
ha, a co-author of the study
Lamps
"Our study included only rape re
«..*ports, not more serious crimes of assault or murder, even if those cases
began as a rape attack," she said
"It can't be interpreted as proof that
aD women should forcefully resist
The tactics for deterring a rapist
include physically resisting by
punching, biting, dawing or kicking
aiming particularly at a man's eyes.
(X LAMPS \NO SHAW
Adam's apple or groin Verbal reirst
and Mosi
sistance includes screaming, claim
Repair. RrtfocaiKm &
ing pregnancy or venereal disease
Creations
Other tactics include using whistles
HANDMADE SHADES
and other noisemakers or chemicals
236-95»4
Such as Mace or hair spray, or
DEAR MISS MANNERS - I
have just returned from a weeklong
conference in a hotel with a daily
schedule of morning session, lunch
break, afternoon session, two-hour
dinner break and evening session. I
was fascinated by the formation of
mealtime coalitions, which seemed
to be predetermined, or created instantly as we arose from our chairs
at the end of each session.
Almost invariably, the coalitions
were Good 01 Boys and Everyone
Else. At one workshop training session, students were advised to grab
one of Those Guys for lunch or a
drink.
Just how does a little female peon
graduate student go about grabbing
a Big Important Alpha Male for
lunch? What does one say?
GENTLE READER - First, no
grabbing. Need Miss Manners say
more?
Yes, probably she should. The
danger for everyone in these pseudosocial settings is of business advances being interpreted as personal
ones. So second, drinks or meals
should not be the subject of invitations.
Watt, wait. Miss Manners is not
suggesting that you cannot safely
participate in these informal gatherings. Only that you word your invitations carefully.
Approach your target armed with
some information about his special
knowledge and say, I have a number
of questions and I would really appreciate a chance to talk to you
more about this at leisure. If you
grab - whoops, approach - him at
the start of a break, he is likely to
gay, Sure, why don't you join us?
He is also likely to be madly flattered. Vulgar jokes to the contrary,
the greatest ego-lift a student can
give Those Guys is the impression of
being intellectually influenced by
them.
DEAR MISS MANNERS - Can I
wear a wide-brim white straw hat to
a June wedding to be held at 7:30
p.m. at a Southern plantation?
Angela Ruth Powers was named to the
dean's list for the 1994 spring semester at the
University of North Carolina in Charlotte, N.C.
Mekxnt nne Mlddleton was named to
the presi&pro tist for winter quarter at Mercer
University's Ctftege of Liberal Arts in Macon.
We Have) It!
't
newest blrdhouse
The Olds Pink House
mm
Area students received degrees during
commencement exercises in May at the University of South Carolina in Columbia, S.C.:
They Include: Kelly Blackmarr Drlscoll,
MSW; Edward Wayne Minor, MSW; Kevin
Edward Boning, MED; Vlrajnla Ann Duncan,
MSW; Zachary David Moore, BS; and
Sheryll Denmark Schumacher, MSW
1
Area students were named to the winter
quarter dean's list at Mercer University's College of Liberal Arts in Macon. They include:
Brian Anderson, Erin BeWord, Julie Johnson, Lou Lanlerv Laurie Mason, Heater
Moore, Klsha Morris, Amy Popped and Jennifer Purcell
• • • ' • • • .
Elizabeth Marie Robinson was named to
the dean's list for spring semester at Berry College in Rome, Ga.
;
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• • •
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Steve Estes III was named to the clean's
list for second semester at Lees-McRae College in Banner Elk, N.C.
• • •
• ' ''' •
Megan Schreck was named to the honor
roll for spring 1994. semester at the University
of Oklahoma in Norman, Okla.
Area students were named to the dean's
list for 1994 spring semester at Vanderbitt University in Nashville, Term. They include:
Amanda Blair Bolch, Sarah Dtanne Franz,
Derek Edd Moore of Tybee Island, Mitchell
Keith Siskin/and Lane Newton Summers.
Christian Bass, Katie Bureh and Alison
Fort were named to the dean's list at Presbyterian College in Clinton, S.C.
« • •
Nicole Bruce of Garden City received a
bachelor of arts degree and Yolanda Gunn of
Claxton received a bachelor of science degree, during commencement exercises held on
May 7 at Claflin College in Orangeburg, S.C.
Rayford Andrew Lawrence Stinson received a degree during commencement exercises on May 14 at Warren Wilson College in
Asheville, N.C.
Catherine Yvonne Anderson is B candidate for graduation to receive a BSN degree
during spring commencement exercises at Stephen F. Austin State University in Nacogdoches, Texas.
Carol Ann Culpepper received a BA degree and Deborah Anne Henderson received
a BA degreo during commencement exercises
on May 14 at Rhodes College in Memphis
Tenn.
•
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706MaBBlvd
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• • • '
Jonathan D. Gephart was named to the
dean's list for spring semester at Oxford College in Oxford.
•• '' ' •• .' . > > >
Deatre Nicole Boyle* received a bachelor
of arts degree during commencement exercises on May 7 at Columbia College in Columbia, S.C.
Charles Henry Ambos and Joseph Timothy Blackston Jr. received baccalaureate
degrees during commencement exercises in
May at The Citadel, The Military College of
South Carolina in Charleston, S.C.
Toland E. Wright and Anthony P.
Warenzak received bachelor of arts degrees
during commencement exercises on May 13 at
the College of Liberal Arts at the Pontifical College Josephinum in Columbus, Ohio.
Elizabeth Louise Jenkins received a
bachelor of arts degree during commencement
exercises on May 22 at Sweet Briar College in
Sweet Briar, Va.
Denial Howard Brandley Jr. and John
Steven Jepson received bachelor of arts degrees, and Michael Patrick Roth received a
bachelor of science degree during commencement exercises on May 16 at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, N.C.
• -• •
Tina F. Medley and Stephanie L. Pou received bachelor degrees during commencement exercises on June 8 at Auburn University
in Auburn University, AlaPaul F.L. Womble of Garden City and Allison C. Jeffrey received bachelor of arts~degrees during commencement exercises on
May 2B at Furman University in Greenville,
S.C.
Russell T. StodghHI of Bloomlngdate
was named to the dean's list for spring at IN*
University of New Orleans in New Orleans.
Mlttle Jane King was named to the clean's
list for spring semester at Montreal-Anderson
College in Montreal. N.C.
Heidi E. Ferrefl was named to the dean's
list tor spring semester at Mary Washington
College in Frederteksburg. Va.
. * Area students were named to the dean's
list for spring semester at Emory College in Atlanta. They are: Larry W. Chang, Amy E.
Cox, Stephanie C. Olson, Laura H. Parent,
Mlkkl M. Purcell of Garden City, Sonla Y.
Rhee, Krlstie A. Wilson of Richmond HIU,
and Evelyn R. Wright
' • • '
• • • ' ..
Derrick Juan Seymore and Henrietta
Elaine Cannlck, students at Savannah State
College, will be included in the 1994 edition of
Who's Who Among Students in American Universities and Colleges.
Maryann Lee Williams, a student at Shaw
University will be included in the 1994 edition
of Who's Who Among Students in American
Universities and Colleges.
Marcla Crosby received high honors in liberal studies and outstanding graduate in humanities at Senior Awards Day at Brenau
Women's College in Gainesville,
Mary Melissa Cannady, Amy Lynne
Cress and Crlsta Carroll Lawrence were
named for membership to Alpha Lambda Delta
at Brenau Women's College in Gainesville.
• • •
Jerome Westtey was selected for one of
the prestigious Pacesetter Awards at Abraham
Baldwin College in Tifton,
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DBAN FORREST
WORLD
Barbara Hall was named to the dean's list
for spring semester at Alderson-Broaddus College in Philippi, W.Va.
Expires Jurw 30,1994.
"Physical resistance will excite
one type of rapist, agitate another,
and scare off still another," Harpold
said.
^
GENTLE READER - If Miss
Manners could grant you an exception to (tie rule against wearing daytime hats in the evening, she would.
There you are with the perfect setting, the perfect hat, and only the
silly clock and sun ruining it all.
Miss Manners suspects that It is just
this sort of disappointment that has
ladies buying the most glorious hats
and then confessing that they never
quite have the nerve to wear them.
DEAR MI^S MANNERS - For
about three years, six of us have
been meeting monthly for dinner
and the opportunity to chew the fat
together, sometimes about philosophical, serious matters, more often just to laugh. One of us is a family counselor and therapist, one a
lawyer, one a teacher, one has her
own educational consulting business,
and I own a retail store,
We thought the original group
would be extremely compatible, and
we were almost right - except for
one friend, a real estate agent,
whom I brought in. She is my old
friend and is, when one-on-one, very
entertaining.
But in a group, she is difficult self-centered and not really aware of
the give and take needed to make
this kind of relationship succeed.
She has increasingly been making
things uncomfortable for the rest,
who have come to the point of being
frustrated with her personality.
So am I. We are all too polite to
confront her'.- thus far.
GENTLE READER - You are
right that there is no polite way to
say, You're spoiling our fun.
COLLEGE KUDOS
to do.'1
"In fending off an acquaintance,
a woman may lose the battle to have
intercourse; with a stranger, she
could lose her life," Fairstein said.
If an assailant has a knife or gun,
fighting back could be extremely
dangerous, especially if he is on
drugs.
'udith Martin
But neither Is there any polite
way of doing what anyone not In the
etiquette business would probably
suggest - namely ganging up on
this person and lambasting her with
critiques for her own good.
The only way to exclude one
member from a recognized group is
to disband the group and form another one. Anything else would be
too cruel.
But fortunately, that is more easily done than said. What you do Is to
enter Into discussions that make it
clear that the timing no longer
works for everyone. The teacher has
meetings one night, the lawyer has a
case coming up that makes another
night impossible, and so on.
After you He tow for a month or
two, you can meet again, but in a
different place. Should word get
back to the excluded member, it
should be made clear that the group
had not resumed, but that all of you
being friends, you do see one another from time to time.
"DEAR MISS MANNERS - I
have seven adopted children, ranging in ages from 3 to 10. When we go
out, someone always comes up to us
and says, These can't possibly all be
yours - did you give birth to them
all?
I simply say, No, they are adopted, which brings the response Which
are your natural ones, and which are
adopted? Or they will ask personal
questions about the children which I
do not want to answer.
What would be a polite way to
avoid answering these questions and
keep our privacy?
GENTLE READER — Doesn't
this just illustrate the folly of cooperating with rode people? You answer one nosy question civilly, and
they feel encouraged to pry ever
more deeply.
The polite response here would
be an irrelevant one. Beam a maternal smile at your inquisitors and reply? Aren't they wonderful? I'm so
proud of them. Come, children, we
must be going now.
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