How to Bring Back
the Love of Your Life!
A Workbook to Help You Transform
My Strategies and Guidelines Into an Action Plan!
All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any
form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,,
recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of
the copyright owner.
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Table of Contents
Introduction ......................................................................................................................................3
Who Needs This Workbook? .......................................................................................................5
Problems That Plague Us All, and Solutions That Will Help...............................................9
Exercise 1: Taking Control.......................................................................................................9
Exercise 2: Identifying Cause and Effect ...........................................................................10
6 Exercises to Help You Implement My “Magic Formula”.............................................17
Exercise 1: Help Yourself Acknowledge Your Feelings.................................................18
Exercise 2: How to Make the Positive Choice...................................................................18
Exercise 3: How to Grant Yourself Your Desires .............................................................19
Exercise 4: Granting Your Own Wishes .............................................................................20
Exercise 5: How to Eliminate Judgment and Criticism from Your Life......................20
Exercise 6: How to Express Your Gratitude ......................................................................22
Section 1: For Single Men and Women Going Through A Breakup…………..……….24
Section 2: For Single Men and Women Trying to Reunite With a Long-Lost Love ....29
Section 3: For Married Men and Women Who Are Trying to Stop a Divorce ...............30
Section 4: For Divorced Men and Women Trying to Reconcile With an Ex..................34
Section 5: For Gay and Lesbian Men and Women Wanting to Reconcile with a Lover
...........................................................................................................................................................36
Conclusion......................................................................................................................................38
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Introduction
If you have read my book, “Bring Back the Love of Your Life,” you understand the
pain of a failing relationship. You are probably experiencing hurt, anger, jealousy,
depression, disappointment and melancholy—but you don’t have to feel these things for
much longer. You can get control of your life and bring back your lover! In this workbook,
I will show you exactly how.
No matter what the problems, I can help you. Are you facing a potential
separation? Do you want to reunite with a loved one who has grown distant from you? I
have been through it all, and I am here to tell you that you don’t have to suffer. There are
many things you can do to make things right again.
Maybe you’ve read through those other self-help books, the ones that tell you to
forget about your love, to move on. But you know in your heart of hearts that that is not
right for you. You know deep down in your gut that you and your love are meant to be
together, and all you want to know is how to bring him or her back to you.
Well, other self-help books won’t tell you how to do that. They’ll encourage you to
get on with your life, and if you don’t, they’ll accuse you of wallowing. They don’t
understand. I understand, and I want to help you.
That’s why I have devised this workbook as an accompaniment to my book, “Bring
Back the Love of Your Life.” I don’t just want to tell you my story or give you abstract
theories about how to revive that passion. I want to show you in step-by-step ways how to
go about bringing back your lover. It can be done, and I will help you do it.
I will tell you exactly how you can bring back a disenchanted spouse or lover—and
not just bring him or her back, but how to your relationship wonderful again. I want to help
you achieve everything you want in your love life.
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People sometimes think that romance “just happens,” and that you have no control
over it. Well, relationships do take work. Ask any married couple! Ask your parents! Ask
your best friend! No one who ever made a relationship work did it by sitting back and
waiting for something to happen.
I am here to help you get your relationship back on the right track. I am going to
help you make it exactly how you want it to be. Are you ready to be happy again?
In this workbook, I will help you transform the knowledge you have learned from my
main ebook into the right actions you need to take.
Not only that, but I am also going to help you create and customize your own
unique program to cater to your unique circumstances and situations.
It’s time to clear your schedule, sit down with this workbook, and get ready to take
control of your love life. If you’re unsure how to do that, don’t worry—by the time you get
to the last page you will know exactly what you need to do. You’ll be wise in the ways of
love and a happier, stronger person.
After all, being in a relationship isn’t just about having someone love you—it’s also
about loving yourself and being confident in who you are.
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Who Needs This Workbook?
It is one thing to read about life and love, and it is another thing to actually make
positive changes in your life. Why? Well, it’s hard to see ourselves clearly! And so it can
be difficult to actually implement those actions that other people tell us we need to take.
That’s why I have written this workbook. I know that it isn’t enough just to write out
my ideas on bringing back the love of your life. I want to also take you by the hand and
show you step-by-step ways to actually bring back that love.
I know that each and every one of us is a unique individual with our own individual
relationship problems. I know that no two love relationships are the same. But I also know
that there are some common ties that bind us all. That’s why in the first part of this
workbook I have addressed problems that are universal, and solutions that we can all
apply to our troubled love relationships.
But I also know that sometimes we have individual problems that others don’t
share. I know that you don’t just want universal solutions—you also want specific answers
to your own particular problems.
That’s why, in writing the second half of this workbook, I have targeted it at
everyone who is unhappy with their romantic life, but have also developed five separate
sections, each for a different group of you, my readers.
Are you a single man or woman who is in the process of going through a painful
breakup? Are you still in contact with your lover, but things are really going downhill? Do
you want to try and save your relationship before it’s too late? Then the first section is for
you.
Are you a single man or woman who is still pining away for a lover you haven’t seen
in weeks, months, or even years?
Maybe all your friends have told you, “Time heals all
wounds,” but you’re still hurting. You know that you still love your guy or guy, and you
want to do whatever you can to bring back that love. Well, then, section 2 is for you.
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Are you a married man or woman who is facing the prospect of divorce? Are you
fighting with a mate whom you still love deeply? Are you tired of the fights but know that
divorce isn’t the answer? Well, if you want to stop a divorce and save your marriage,
section 3 is for you.
I’ll help you save the heart of your marriage and rekindle all the
passion and love you felt for each other way back toward the beginning of your
relationship.
Are you a divorced man or woman who has been out of the marriage for some time,
but who misses your ex terribly? Do you know that your divorce was a mistake? Are you
longing to reconcile, even if you haven’t seen or even spoken to your ex in ages? Or are
you frequently in contact with your ex? Either way, section 4 is for you. In it I’ll help you
”go back in time” and rediscover what it was that was so great about your marriage.
Are you a single or married gay or lesbian man or woman who is suffering through
a poor relationship, a breakup, or a painful longing to reunite with a long-lost lover? Then
section 5 is especially for you. The rules of bringing back the love of your life may not be
the same as for a heterosexual couple, and I want to make sure that my advice to you is
as specific as it can be, so that is helps you as much as possible. At the same time, much
of the advice in the rest of the book may be applicable to your situation as well. Read
through it all, then concentrate on section 5.
*
*
*
No matter who you are or what your romantic situation, my goal is the same. I want
to help you address each and every one of the following issues so that you can tailor a
solution that fits your love life. These are some of the most common questions I am asked,
and I want to give you the best possible answers and ways to implement those answers in
your own life:
•
Our passion for each other has just disappeared after weeks/months/years of being
together. What should I do to rekindle the passion in our relationship?
•
What steps should I take if my mate now lives very far away from me or if we are in
a long-distance relationship?
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•
How should I proceed if my mate is refusing to make a connection with me? What
should I do if he/she refuses to take my calls, answer my emails, etc. How can I
make a connection with him/her?
•
What are some creative ways or solutions to re-establish contact with an ex? How
can I maintain meaningful contact?
•
What should I do if my mate is still very angry with me and refuses to talk to me?
•
What steps should I take if his/her parent is against our relationship?
•
My lover or ex-lover is an alcoholic? How should I proceed?
•
My ex and I work in the same place, and he/she is ignoring me. What are the steps
I should take to establish a connection?
•
What should I do if there is a third party involved?
•
How can I deal with my own commitment phobia?
•
What should I do if he/she is commitment phobic him/herself?
•
What are the steps I should take to change my mate’s mind about me?
•
My partner is a cheater, but he/she comes back to me and I have to forgive him/her
again and again and again. What should I do to save this relationship?
•
My partner is a flirt, he/she lies to me again and again and every time I can’t help
but forgive him/her. What can I do to bring him/her back to my side?
•
What can I do to change my mate? Is that even possible?
•
What can I do to bring back a mate who is a drug addict? Is it even possible that a
relationship with an addict will work for both of us?
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•
What can I do about a partner who is mean? Can I change him/her at all?
•
What can I do to stop all the fighting and quarrels that we have every day?
•
After my partner has an affair, how can I learn to forgive and forget? What can I do
to learn to trust him/her again?
•
What can I do to encourage my partner to give me more physical affection?
•
How do I know if this relationship is really worth pursuing? Can you help me make
the best decision for myself?
As I said before, these are the most common question I hear from my clients and
even my friends and family members. Yet the answers and the ways that you should
implement those answers vary from person to person and relationship to relationship.
That’s why I’ve developed this workbook, to help you tailor your own unique plan
for bringing back the love of your life. By the time you finish the exercises in this
workbook you will understand exactly how to proceed. Before you know it, you will
living the life you have been dreaming about for so long!
*
*
*
Remember, no matter who you are or what your relationship woes are, I am here to
help you. Are you ready to bring back the love of your life? Then let’s begin.
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Problems That Plague Us All, and Solutions That Will Help You
There are many, many reasons why a seemingly perfect relationship—from casual
dating to a twenty-year marriage—can go sour.
But even when we try to rationalize
things, we cannot explain away our feelings or love and heartbreak.
When you have fallen in love with someone, the process of going through a
breakup can seem like the end of the world. If this is your scenario, you are probably
feeling a whole range of crazy emotions: pain, hurt, heartache, depression, melancholy,
anger, despair.
This is understandable if you think about how it feels to face a separation from
someone you have come to depend upon in your life. It is healthy to feel some of these
things—but it’s also important not to let your emotions cloud your view. Your emotions
may actually be causing things to get worse, since anger and pain make us lash out at
others, even those we love.
If you know you love him or her deeply, but you can’t understand why you are
fighting so often, there are a number of things you need to do.
You know that feeling of being out of control? Of know that you are in love, but not
being able to stop fighting or getting angry or crying? Well, that has to stop. You DO
have control. You are not a victim. You are responsible for taking control of your life.
Okay, that is probably easier for me to write than for you to accept at first. But trust
me, I know from experience what a powerful realization this can be. The trick is how to
get yourself to believe it—to really, truly believe it.
Exercise 1: Taking Control
If you think back to my book, you’ll remember that in his first email, Jeffrey
explained to me the importance of realizing my free will. I have control over myself! So do
you! We are all free creatures; we are not victims.
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That being said, we must all realize that things in our life don’t happen for no
reason. It’s not all coincidence and luck. Most of the time, things that happen to us
happen because we bring them about. It’s a simple fact we must accept.
Now I’m not talking about random events, like lightning striking. I’m talking about
the events of our everyday lives. We have the power to control them.
Follow this exercise to help yourself gain control over the things that are happening
in your relationship.
Repeat the following to yourself.:
“The experiences I have been through in my relationship have not come
about by chance, nor have they been caused by outside factors or circumstances.
Something I have done has brought about these results.”
At first it may be hard to say these words, but you must reclaim your sense of
control.
Say it again and again, until you really believe it.
I know this may not be a popular idea to embrace. At first, I hesitated and was not
sure that I really trusted myself to believe it. But this is an essential idea that you need to
understand if you want to save your relationship and make it last forever. This is the first
step toward recovering your love relationship!
Remember, whenever you are feeling lost or helpless, tell yourself:
“I am in control of what happens to me.”
Exercise 2: Identifying Cause and Effect
Now it’s time to help yourself unlock the specifics of what is happening in your life
and how it has come about. You need to be honest with yourself and identify the root
causes of your relationship’s problems.
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Go through the following list of relationship problems and then look at the causes
that they correspond to. Chances are that you will recognize your own actions among
those in the list.
Effect: My lover does not show me physical affection anymore.
Cause: Oftentimes the physical aspect of a relationship suffers from simple
neglect. We are busy and don’t have time, or we cease to make an effort. Perhaps we’re
too tired or preoccupied with other daily matters. Over time, constantly rebuffing a mate’s
advances or just ignoring the urges can have the result of putting a damper of this
essential part of a love relationship.
Take the time to identify what you may have done—or, more accurately—what you
may not have been doing lately. Have you done your part to show physical affection to
your partner? Have you made your feelings known? Have you actively demonstrated
your interest?
Chances are that if you don’t keep your feelings bottled up, but rather make your
partner aware of your desires, you will get the results you desire.
Effect: My lover has grown emotionally distant.
Cause: Oftentimes, when our lover grows distant emotionally it is because we are
somehow pushing them away, unconsciously or otherwise. Perhaps you are acting too
reserved yourself, keeping your feelings bottled up, not revealing your secrets and
desires. Or perhaps you are being too open, telling everything, with the effect that your
lover wants to keep secrets in order to compensate.
Either way, you should realize that it is not just the other person who is causing the
problem. A person does not just grow distant for no good reason. There are two people
involved in a relationship, and communication is a two-way street.
If you haven’t been honest or open with your partner, if you are keeping hidden
secrets, if you have been unobservant or even if you have gone to the other extreme,
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smothering him or her with your thoughts and feelings and not giving him or her enough
time to talk, how can you expect your lover to feel close to you?
Effect: Our long-distance relationship is strained.
Cause: I hear so often that otherwise wonderful relationship go sour once one of
the lovers moves to a new location. I also hear about promising new relationships that
start off well and then fail because of the distance. Well, the solution here seems very
simple: if distance is ruining things, take away that issue.
How can you hope to save a relationship that is suffering from distance without
fixing that issue? If you are feeling anger or upset over the fact that you live so far apart
from each other, you have to address that key problem.
But here there is another issue, too. Perhaps neither of you wants to move. That
can indicate a failure of compromise in the relationship, represented in real terms by the
two different cities that you live in. You are both literally in different worlds. You need to
come together. Learn to compromise—perhaps both of you should move a little bit closer
toward a common area. Perhaps you will agree to live in his city for two years, then he will
move to your city for two years.
As you can tell, there are many ways to address this problem, but they all require
taking action. If both of you refuse to take steps to fix the relationship and lessen the
distance, how can you expect that relationship to survive?
Effect: We quarrel every day.
Cause: Many of the couples I work with who quarrel a lot are really just getting
sucked deeper and deeper into an unending cycle of argumentation. Fighting becomes a
mode of communication—instead of speaking to each other in a calm, loving tone of
voice, these couples start to express themselves loudly, sarcastically, and angrily.
Why would we talk to a lover this way on a daily basis when we wouldn’t dare to
speak to our colleagues or friends in a similar tone of voice? Well, it is easy to take a
lover for granted once he or she has been in your life for some time. Once you start
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expecting your mate to be there, you stop feeling the need to be “nice” all the time, and
you start giving voice to your frustrations and annoyances.
The key here is not to forget that you should never take anyone for granted.
Everyone, no matter how well you know him or her, deserves to be treated well.
If you and your partner are quarreling a lot, take a step back and think about what
you are fighting about? Bills? Who does the dishes? What he’s wearing? Why she took
so long to get ready? Most quarrels are over silly, small issues that get blown out of
proportion. How much easier your relationship would be if you were to keep things in
perspective and not give voice to every single frustration.
Sometimes it can be tempting to yell at someone who does something we find
irritating, but if we walked around in our daily lives screaming at the grocery cashier or the
mailman or the bus driver, things would get pretty awful. Treat your lover the way you
treat others in your life—don’t let every little thing get to you, and don’t turn every petty
irritation into a fight.
You do have control—you can choose to back off and not engage in confrontation.
Exercise that control.
Effect: My lover has strayed and cheated on me with another.
Cause: It might be tempting to believe that we are blameless when a lover strays
and cheats, but the simple truth is, we are not. We are not helpless victims of a cheating
mate; we are at least partially responsible, and there are ways to prevent similar
recurrences.
People stray when they are dissatisfied with a current relationship. A satisfied mate
will not actively seek out sex outside the relationship.
Moreover, and this is very important, a lover in whom you put all your trust will
generally try to earn that trust. But if you are constantly suspicious, that gives your lover
cause to MAKE you suspicious. If you don’t trust him or her to begin with, do you think he
or she will behave well?
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Always being suspicious, even when there is nothing going on, makes a
relationship worse. Your suspicions and thoughts will eventually turn into monsters. They
will come to life and plague your relationship.
If you are constantly accusing your mate of cheating, even if he or she is not, you
are planting a dangerous seed. Now the thought is there, and since your mate already
knows you suspect him or her, your suspicion may become a reality.
The best way to avoid such an outcome is to show your trust in your mate. Give
him or her the same respect you expect for yourself. Trust him or her to treat you well.
Trust him or her to be faithful, and free your mind of suspicion.
Now it is your turn. Having read over the above causes and effects, it is time to
level with yourself. Complete the following:
What is the main problem in my relationship?________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
What may I have done to cause this problem?________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
What is the secondary problem in my relationship?____________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
What may I have done to cause this problem?________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
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Exercise 3: Learning to Ask for What You Want
You will recall that in Jeffrey’s emails he explained the importance of asking for
what you want to receive. Again, everything that happens in the world is a reflection of
what we do in our own lives, so we have the power to make things materialize as we wish.
All we need to do is to learn how to ask for those things.
If you want a better relationship, if you want to salvage a marriage, if you want to
rekindle a flame, it’s all the same. You cannot just sit back and wait for things to happen
to you. If you do, you are making yourself into a helpless victim. You are relinquishing
control, and you are depriving yourself of that great gift—human will.
It is extremely important, in order to bring back your love, to learn how to ask for the
things you want most in life. Grant yourself the ability to make your wishes materialize.
But how, you might be asking? Here is a simple yet effective exercise that will
enable you to identify your most important desires and then establish a way to achieve
them.
Step 1 is to realize that you should only bother asking for the important things in
life. Don’t cloud your mind with silly or frivolous desires, like a new Ferrari, a diamond
necklace, or a mansion. Are these things really the key to your happiness? No, of course
not. Even the richest people can be miserable.
The way to find your own happiness is to let go of those egotistical, materialistic
desires. That gives you the ability to reach out and take hold of those much more
important things in life.
Often the most effective way to get rid of materialistic desires is to physically
destroy them. Even if you find it silly, give this a go: on a piece of paper, write down five
or ten of the objects or monetary desires you have. Then take a good hard look at them.
Now, is a million dollars in your bank account going to make you feel less depressed over
your breakup? Is a new car really going to solve the pain of your divorce? Or is it all just
a mask to try and hide the pain for a little while?
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Don’t hide your pain—understand it, understand what is causing it, and make
yourself feel better. Take that piece of paper and destroy that mask. Tear up your list of
materialistic desires. Go ahead—tear it into tiny, tiny pieces, and throw them all away.
You’ll be surprised at how good it can feel to actually perform an activity such as this, to
give yourself the satisfaction of physically ridding yourself of ego.
Step 2 is to recognize your more important desires. What is that you really want?
What would make your world better? What would make things better for everyone around
you? How can you achieve happiness?
Maybe it’s peace of mind. Maybe it’s achieving self-control. Maybe it’s feeling the
sensation of love again. Maybe it’s smiling and laughing the way you used to when you
were a child.
These are big ideas and wonderful things for anyone to experience. But they are
not things you can implement, like a plan. It’s no use trying to actively make them
happen. So just think of them and then let life take its course.
It is so rare for any of us these days to even think about the big picture or to
confess out deepest desires. People might even chuckle to hear that what you want most
is “peace of mind.” The whole world has become so cynical! That’s why it will do you so
much good just to let yourself confess these desires to yourself.
My favorite way to complete this step is to take out your journal or diary, or to get a
nice thick sheet of paper that you can keep for awhile. Jot down your deep desires.
Don’t think too hard about how to make them come true—remember, this isn’t a plan, it’s
more like a wish or a dream.
The act of actually writing these wishes out lets them get out there into the
universe. Even when you’re not actively thinking about them, the back of your mind will
be working on making them come true.
Give it a try. You will be amazed how simply allowing yourself to think of these
things will improve your quality of life.
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6 Exercises to Help You Implement My “Magic Formula”
In my book I outlined the Magic Formula I followed to save my own relationship,
and that I give to all my clients to help them do the same.
But I want to do more than simply explain it. I want to show you how to implement
it, step by step, so that it fits your life and your relationship. So in this section I am going
to do just that.
Let’s start by revisiting that Magic Formula so that you have it fresh in your mind:
Magic Formula for Bringing Back the Love of Your Life:
(1) Acknowledge your feelings right now.
(2) Remember there are only two ways you can look at a situation or
event: positively or negatively. Remember that your thoughts create your
reality, and choose right thoughts! No matter how bad or difficult the
situation seems, or if it seems like you are losing the battle, tell yourself
right now to choose your thoughts well, because your thoughts create
your reality!
(3) Repeat the following to yourself: I desire my lover to love me. I want
him/her to be faithful to me, love me unconditionally, and be loyal to me.
(4) I will remember that I always receive whatever I ask for.
(5) Therefore, I will not question or judge how it will come about. If I make
no judgment by myself, whatever I wish for will be granted.
(6) I will express my gratitude.
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Now I am going to take you through each of those steps, providing concrete
exercises and dialogues for you to follow so that you can implement each part of the
formula in a way that will truly help you solve your relationship problem.
Exercise 1: Help Yourself Acknowledge Your Feelings
So often in this modern society we are encourage to hide our emotions and
“toughen up.” It can feel strange, therefore, to get in touch with our emotions in a
conscious, deliberate way. But this is the first step toward reviving your relationship, and
it’s essential that you learn to do it in an effective way.
When an emotion overwhelms you, do not just let it overtake you. Don’t let it “wash
over you” like a wave. Understand that it is part of you, and that you can gain control of it
by understanding what the feeling means and how you are reacting to it.
Every time your lover or ex-lover does something to upset you, or if thinking about
an element of your relationship causes distress, repeat the following and fill in the blanks:
“I feel _____________________ right now. I recognize that feeling.
However, I do not have to let it overwhelm me. After all, I am a
deliberate thinker. I have the power to make a choice right now. I
am in control of myself and my thoughts.”
Exercise 2: How to Make the Positive Choice
You have two ways of looking at anything and everything that happens in
your life: positively or negatively. This is a choice you must make wisely.
If you choose the negative, you are only bringing that negative element into
your life and causing it to materialize.
Instead, you should choose the positive, for that will reinforce the amount of
positive energy flowing into your life. But how can you do this actively?
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I have found that in the beginning you must make a conscious effort to
create positive thoughts, no matter how bad your relationship seems to be at the
moment. Strive to see the silver lining of that cloud! Pretty soon you will
automatically go toward that positive place rather than immediately reaching for
negatives.
When you are feeling negative, tell yourself to take a step back and try to
gain some objectivity. Count to three, and breathe deeply. The key is to release
the negative energy from your body physically as well as mentally.
A great exercise I have performed myself is to write down your negative
thoughts on a piece of paper. Let yourself physically gets rid of those thoughts by
getting them out of your body and mind and onto the page. Then rip up that page,
destroying those negative thoughts!
Exercise 3: How to Grant Yourself Your Desires
One of the hardest things for us to do these days is to let ourselves do things
that will benefit us. So many of us sacrifice ourselves to others, and that becomes
a dangerous routine. We suppress our own wants and make others’ desires a
priority.
Well, one of the most important keys to rekindling your love is ensuring that
your own needs are met. How can you ever hope to make someone else happy if
you yourself are not happy?
The following is an exercise to help you learn to grant your own wishes. Get
away from trying to fulfill your lover’s desires and concentrate on your own.
To do so, fill in the blanks in each of the following sentences:
I desire _________________________________________________.
I want my lover to be _________________________________ to me.
I deserve to have _________________________________________.
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I would like my lover to treat me like___________________________.
I want to hear my lover say __________________________________.
Then repeat each of these sentences out loud. Go on, even if you feel silly,
say it out loud. The power of actually saying things instead of merely thinking them
cannot be underestimated. Put emotions into them. Putting emotions into them
make them all the more potent!
Exercise 4: Granting Your Own Wishes
If ever you find that you feel helpless or uncertain about your power in the
universe, remember that you are responsible for creating your reality. You and you
alone have the ability to realize your wishes.
How can you do that? Well, remember that scheming or planning is NOT the
way to go. If you find yourself developing ideas about how to make your wishes
come true, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
No, the way to grant your wishes is simply to articulate your desires and then
let your subconscious go to work. If you feel like trying to actively bring about a
certain situation, take a step back. Go and do something else. Keep busy—cook,
read, go jogging or do any other activity that you enjoy.
Just remember the golden rule: you have got to let the wishes materialize on
their own.
To help yourself reinforce this concept, repeat the following:
I always receive whatever I ask for. All I need to do is ask, and my
subconscious will do the rest of the work for me.
Exercise 5: How to Eliminate Judgment and Criticism from Your Life
One of the worst, most harmful elements of a person’s lifestyle is criticism.
When we criticize others, we weaken our relationships with them and show a
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disrespect for their choices, as we reveal our own insecurities. When we criticize
ourselves, we show that we do not trust in the power of the universe to make things
right.
In general, criticism and judgment make our lives more complicated by
introducing seeds of negativity. So an essential step toward bringing back the love
of your life is to get rid of that critical attitude.
When you have made your wishes, don’t think about how unrealistic they
may be or how unlikely they are to be granted. Don’t censor your hopes and
desires. Just let them be.
If you trust in the likelihood of your desires coming true, they will come true.
If you get negative and level a judgment about how silly or unlikely they are,
chances are that they will never materialize.
If you find that you are starting to judge or question the likelihood of a
particular wish or dream, let yourself realize that you cannot control things with your
conscious mind. Things have a way of happening that are beyond our
comprehension or control. We just have to step back and accept that we should not
meddle.
Therefore, take a moment to jettison the criticism from your life. When you
start to judge or have doubts, it’s okay to let them into your mind—but only for as
long as it takes you to explain to yourself that those criticisms are of no use to you
or anyone.
When you find yourself getting critical or having second thoughts, repeat the
following:
“I will not question or judge how my desires will materialize. If I make
no judgment by myself, whatever I wish for will be granted.”
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Exercise 6: How to Express Your Gratitude
Now that you have made your wishes and are letting your subconscious
make them come true, it’s important for you to understand how to express gratitude
when your desires materialize—and they will!
Many of us in this modern society are so used to just taking and taking and
taking that we don’t know how to properly express our thanks for the good things
that come to us. But the key to continuing to experience love and happiness is to
give thanks when it does find its way to us.
Whenever I feel that I have been the beneficiary of affection, romance, love,
friendship, or any other good thing, I always remember to give thanks. It is my way
of expressing to the universe that I am grateful and humble, and that I do not take
anything for granted.
In fact, I strongly suggest that you make expressing gratitude a ritual in your
own life. Set aside a time to “meditate” on your happiness—think about the
wonderful things that you have in your life, and then repeat the following:
“I am grateful for the love that has entered my life. I am grateful to
others for loving me, and I promise to repay them by loving myself. I
am grateful that I am a complete self, and that I have everything that I
need to be happy contained within myself. I am grateful for
companionship. I am grateful for being able to share my life and
happiness with another.”
This text can serve as ritual, meditation, prayer and as a powerful tool for getting
what you truly want in life. Try it and you’ll see for yourself the power of giving thanks.
You’ll also discover that reciting this prayer calms you down and brings a newfound
sense of peace into your life.
*
*
*
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Now that we’ve discussed some exercises you can use to bring the love back into
your life, it’s time to address some specific relationship cases in detail. Flip to the
appropriate section to find all the answers to your individual questions, and to create a
solution that is tailored to your particular situation.
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Section 1: For Single Men and Women Going Through a
Breakup
In this section we’ll talk about some of the specific questions often asked by single
men and women who are in the process of going through a breakup.
This can be a very painful and confusing time, and it can be hard to see straight.
Your head is probably spinning with questions about why this is happening, what you
might have done wrong, how you could have prevented it, and what you should do to fix
things.
That’s why it’s especially important to take the time to sit down and answer your
own questions as best you can. You need to give yourself the opportunity to reflect on
what was good about the relationship as well as what was bad and unhealthy about it.
Everything happens for a reason, remember? And you are not a passive, helpless
victim. So if you want to reclaim your lover and make things right again, you have got to
assess where the relationship went wrong and what your part in that was.
Read through the following questions and answers to learn how to deal with some
very common relationship problems and reestablish happiness and love in your life.
•
What steps should I take if we are in a long distance relationship?
It’s time to think about how the distance has been affecting your love relationship. It
is very hard for people to remain close emotionally if they are separate physically. It is
likely that the relationship has suffered as a result of the neglect that inevitably comes
along with distance.
So be honest with yourself: did you go to visit your lover as often as you could
have? Did you make enough time to devote to him/her when he came to visit you? Did
you talk on the phone during the week while you were apart? Did you sent each other
emails just to remind the other person that you still care?
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If not, you were shirking your responsibilities as a partner in the relationship. You
need to pick up the slack.
And if you are really serious about saving this relationship, you should think about
closing that distance between you two. Perhaps it is time to move to the same city, or to
settle on some sort of compromise. Both of you cannot be happy flying and driving back
and forth half the time, so try to eliminate the element of distance if that is possible.
•
What should I do if my mate is still very angry with me, and refuses to talk to me?
What if he/she refuses to take my calls, answer my emails, etc.? How can I make
meaningful contact with him/her?
Start by giving him/her some time. Often, our anger begins to dissipate when we
have a little room in which to breathe. That time apart gives us a chance to gain some
perspective and enables us to articulate our anger in a more productive way than just
screaming and yelling.
So wait for a little while. Things will blow over and your mate will likely start
speaking to you again soon. But don’t push. Remember, if you push now you will only
push your mate away farther and maybe permanently.
Then make sure that your first contact is polite and not confrontational. Don’t make
your first phone call or meeting a chance for blasting him/her with accusations or making
him/her feel guilty. Remember to try to look at things objective and to keep a level head.
•
What to do if there is a third party involved?
This is a very common problem, and most of the time when I talk to men and
women whose partners cheated, I discover a common cause. Often, people cheat
because they are feeling neglected or upset in their main relationship. Perhaps their
partner does not trust them or is constantly nagging or accusing them of straying.
Eventually, all these accusations build up and may become a reality.
Think honestly about your own role in the relationship. Did you do or say things that
could have brought this about? Now, I’m not saying your cheating partner is not to blame,
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but I am saying that you can’t allow yourself to feel completely like a victim. Remember,
things happen for a reason, and the thoughts you have eventually become realities.
If you think that you can refrain from suspicious and mistrust, you can give it
another go. Try to talk things out, explaining that you realize you both had a hand in this
transgression. Your renewed faith in your partner should give you the power to make this
relationship even stronger than before.
•
What should I do if he/she is a commitment phobia?
Many men and women who are dating people with commitment phobias make the
big mistake of ignoring that fear and just trying to get closer and closer. You have got to
realize that pushing on a person like this is just likely to make him or her move farther
away. It’s kind of like when you have two magnets, both positively charge. The closer you
move one magnet toward the other, the farther the other one will move in the opposite
direction.
It may be hard at first, but the first step to winning back a commitment phobe is to
give him or her space.
Don’t try to conquer that fear by bullying it into submission.
Respect it and pull back a bit. You will see that giving your partner space will make it much
easier for him or her to come back into the relationship.
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Section 2: For Single Men and Women Trying to Reunite With a
Long-Lost Love
This section is especially for those of you who are trying to rekindle the flame with a
long-lost lover. If this is you, the pain of the breakup is most likely well behind you, but the
strong sense of passion you once shared cannot be denied. So how can you convince him
or her to give it another go?
The key here is to make sure that your memories are genuine and that you
honestly would be better off with this person in your life once more. Consult the questions
and answers below to discover whether bringing back the lost love of your life is a wise
move, and if so, how you can accomplish that goal.
•
How do I know if this relationship is worth pursuing? What can I do so that I can
make the best decision?
We tend to look back on things with rose-colored lenses, but in love that is not
always wise. You have to be realistic as well as romantic. There is no reason to try to
rekindle a long-lost love that is only going to be make you unhappy or bring stress into
your life.
The best way to know if an old relationship is worth resuming is to consider the
reasons why it ended. Did it end because you or your partner cheated? Did it end because
you were too young at the time? Did it end because one of your wanted children and the
other didn’t? Did it end because one of you had to move to another country?
Whatever the reason, you’ve got to first make sure that that reason is not going to
hold your relationship back any longer. If you broke up because one of you had to move,
are you both in the same city now? If you broke up because you had different views on
starting a family, have you changed your mind so that the two of you can be in agreement
now?
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It would be useless and upsetting to start things up again only to face the same
problems that caused the first breakup. So be honest and don’t attempt to pursue the
relationship again if you know it will only cause more heartache and pain.
If, however, the reason for that initial breakup is moot now—perhaps you’re no
longer mad about his affair, or you’re willing to move back to her city—it may be a great
time to give it another go.
•
What should I do if my mate is still very angry with me, even after all this time, and
does not want to talk to me?
Your ex-partner’s probably only going to harbor a grudge if what you did was really
bad or if you never gave him or her a satisfactory explanation. What you have to do in this
case is convince him or her that you’re not the same person who you were back then.
Show your ex that you have changed, that you have gone through a lot of soul-searching,
and that you’ve changed your life for the better.
You may want to say a little bit about how you realize that you must claim
responsibility for what happened, because nothing happens without a cause. Own up to
whatever you did in the past. He or she will likely be very pleased by this apology and will
become more open to talking to you.
•
What if he or she isn’t necessarily mad at me but just doesn’t want to make a
connection with me? What if he/she refuses to take my calls, answer my emails,
etc.—can I still make a connection with him/her?
Maybe your ex has moved on in his or her life, trying to put your own relationship
behind him or her. If so, you first need to make sure that you’re not encroaching
unwanted. Is your ex married now? Is he or she in a new, healthy relationship? If so, you
have got to realize that it may not be in either of your best interests to try and recapture
the past.
If your ex is available, however, you should try to take things slow. Don’t force him
or her into contact with you if it is unwanted. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up—
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just be sure not to rush things. Do things that show you are serious, and that you are very
committed to making things work this time around.
For example, send your ex a handwritten letter instead of an email, if you can—that
will show that you are serious and that you have taken the time to make a gesture. Or
how about sending a bouquet of flowers along with a note and your phone number? With
any approach you choose, make it classy and show that it has taken some care and
thought. Don’t just send off a hasty email!
•
What are the steps I should take if my long-lost love lives very far away from me?
Start by establishing a connection from afar, so that you don’t startle your ex if you just
show up unannounced. That can actually have the opposite effect of what you’re hoping to
have. Try calling or sending a letter, and if you’re very serious about things, mention that
you would like to take a trip to see him/her.
If your ex does not want to talk to you or you have a reason for wanting to
surprising him or her, my advice is to plan a trip to the city where he or she lives. Fill your
time there with other fun activities so that you are there as much for yourself as you are to
rekindle the flame. Remember, enriching your own life is one of the keys to making
yourself more attractive to others.
Then give your ex a call and mention that you are in town. Hopefully he or she will
want to see you, and you will be able to establish face-to-face contact once again.
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Section 3: For Married Men and Women Who Are Trying to
Stop a Divorce
This section is written for those among you who are trying to bring back the passion
and love to your marriage. Perhaps you are facing the prospect of divorce and are trying
to slam on the breaks before things get really bad. Perhaps you’ve already moved out, or
your spouse has moved out, and you’re trying to get yourselves back in the same house.
No matter your situation, there are things you can do to save your marriage. If you
are committed to giving your relationship another shot, read on to discover the answers to
the most commonly asked questions about rescuing a marriage that is on the road to
divorce.
•
What can I do to stop all the fighting and quarrels that we have everyday?
Most quarreling starts with minor irritations and then progress into bigger fights. The
number one best thing you can do is simply to realize that you don’t need to get upset
over every little thing. Is it really so bad if he leaves a sock on the floor? Would it really be
so hard for you to turn off the game this once? If it could save your marriage, isn’t it worth
it to suppress that sarcastic comment instead of letting it out of your mouth?
Moreover, quarreling is a habitual activity. Once you get into the swing of things, it
can be easy to let nasty snide comments become your communication method of choice.
Well, don’t let it get so easy. Be cognizant of what you are saying and how you are saying
it. Use a different tone of voice. If he or she baits you with a nasty comment, let it go—or
instead of answering back in kind, try defusing the situation by saying something like, “I
don’t want to fight. I want us to have a nice night. I apologize for upsetting you, and I will
do whatever it takes to fix my mistake.”
•
After my partner has an affair, how can I learn to forgive and forget? What can I do
to trust again?
This is one of the most frequent questions I am asked by married couples who are
facing divorce. It’s simply a fact that after many years of marriage, romantic life does tend
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to lose its spark. It can be tempting for people to seek that flame outside the marriage, and
adultery is, unfortunately, a common problem.
So what can you do about it? How can you repair a relationship that has been torn
asunder by adultery?
Well, the first thing to do is to realize that the cheater isn’t the only one at fault, and
that the cheated-upon spouse is not just a helpless victim. I know this may sound strange
or hard to accept, but whether you are the cheater or the cheated-upon, this isn’t a onesided issue.
Often, people cheat because they are feeling neglected or upset in their main
relationship. Perhaps their partner does not trust them or is constantly nagging or
accusing them of straying. Eventually, all these accusations build up and may become a
reality.
Think honestly about your role in your marriage. Did you do or say things that could
have brought this about? Of course, I am not saying that the cheating partner is not to
blame, but I am saying that you can’t allow yourself to feel like a victim. That sort of
disempowerment is bad for you, and it makes it much harder to move on with your lives.
Remember, things happen for a reason, and the thoughts you have eventually become
realities.
Your marriage will only be saved if you can learn to stop the behaviors that led to
the cheating in the first place. If you are the cheater, you have got to understand why you
acted upon your impulses in this way. If you are the cheated-upon spouse, you must take
a good long look at anything you might have done to drive your spouse away.
Try to talk things out rationally, explaining that you realize you both had a hand in
this transgression. Your renewed faith in your spouse will give you the power to make this
relationship even stronger than it was before, because you will understand the dynamics
of your relationship better and will be better able to communicate your dissatisfactions
before they manifest themselves in the form of an affair.
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•
Our passion for each other just disappears after weeks/months/years of being
together. What should I do to rekindle the passion in our relationship?
This is another very common question that I am asked, and it can happen to all of
us at one time or another, whether we’re married, dating or living together with our lovers.
The simple fact of it is that things are most exciting when they are new, and once the
novelty wears off we can quickly get bored.
The key is not to let yourself get bored. Don’t let the novelty wear off! Don’t take
each other for granted, and don’t let kids or housework or anything else get in the way of a
healthy sex life. Make sure you both set aside time for sexual intimacy as a way to
reconnect with each other on a regular basis.
Remember, sexual expression is not only healthy, it is also necessary in order to
keep an intimate relationship alive. Having sex regularly can actually increase your level of
attraction to each other and will make you more satisfied in the marriage and less likely to
want to go looking for satisfaction elsewhere.
Be open and honest with your spouse. If you want to try something new, try
something new! Share your desires, your fears, even your dislikes. You have got to
communicate about sex just like you communicate about everything else if you want the
marriage to work. Don’t let it slide—make it a priority.
•
What should I do if he/she is an alcoholic?
If your spouse is an alcoholic, you may be tempted to just give up and throw in the
towel. But do you really love your mate? Are you really willing to just give up on him or
her? Even if that’s the easiest thing to do right now, are you going to feel good about it
later on?
Marriage, any marriage, takes work, and we all have our flaws. Some of us stay too
late at the office, some of us are addicted to gold, some of us shop way too much—and
our spouses love us despite all these things.
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But when a spouse’s flaw is putting him or herself in danger, or if it is endangering
the family, you need to do something about it. If your spouse is alcoholic, is it necessary
for you to seek help. Get him or her into AA or see a counselor together.
You can work through the problems, and when you come out of it you’ll both be
stronger for it. I’ve seen this happen with my own eyes.
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Section 4: For Divorced Men and Women Trying to Reconcile
With an Ex
•
What can I do to change my ex and make him or her into the person I want him or
her to be? Or is it possible to do so at all?
A lot of people ask me whether they can get an ex to change, and if so, how. They
tell me, “Well, he/she would be perfect if only….” Well, this is a dangerous game to play.
How would we like it if others tried to change us, making us look different, act different, or
think different? Everyone is an individual, we are all unique, and that’s something to be
celebrated.
Moreover, as I’ve mentioned above, planning a way to change someone or to
accomplish something almost always backfires. Remember what I said about letting things
happen on their own, and getting your ego out of the way? Well, try to keep that in mind.
If you let your ego dictate your actions and try to dictate those of your ex-partner,
you’re in for heartache. When it comes to the minor annoyances that you wish you could
change—he leaves his coffee cup on the table unwashed, she clips her toenails in bed, he
likes to play poker with his buddies, or whatever—it’s best to just let them go. Pick and
choose your battles. Face it, these are things you can live with, right?
You cannot piece your mate together, choosing only the parts that you like and
rejecting the parts you don’t like. You have to accept him or her for who he or she is,
completely. If you really can’t stand certain things about him, maybe you shouldn’t be
trying to reconcile.
The only time you should consider trying to change a person is when his or
behavior is endangering themselves. If an ex is abusing alcohol or drugs, that’s cause for
an intervention. And if he or she is or was abusing you, then you can’t change him—but
you can change your life by leaving.
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•
What are the steps I should take to change my mate’s mind about me?
Although this may seem like a corollary to the above, it’s actually a very different
question altogether. You can’t try to make another person change to suit you, but you can
change things about yourself that you don’t like. And if you have changed yourself for the
better and you want to show this to an ex, great!
But how can you go about proving that you’re not the same person that you used to
be? Maybe you’re more honest now, more reliable, more productive, more ambitious.
Whatever it is, how can you show your ex that the aspects of yourself he or she didn’t like
before have changed?
You can’t do this by just telling them. You have got to prove it through your actions.
Show it in your interactions with your ex. Conduct yourself well and he or she will get the
idea soon enough. He or she will know you well enough to be able to sense when
something is very different.
You can also sit him or her down for a talk and explain that you know you used to
behave in a way that your ex found disagreeable. Then explain that you have made a
conscious effort to change and that you are no longer the way you used to be. But you
have got to follow this conversation up by behaving in that way, not reverting back to your
old habits.
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Section 5: For Gay and Lesbian Men and Women Wanting to
Reconcile with a Lover
I recognize that most gays and lesbians will encounter the very same problems and
ask the same questions as the ones I’ve outlined above. So you should be sure to read
through the earlier sections as a preface to this one!
But I also know that there are certain problems you will have that are unique and
that don’t happen to other couples. That’s why this section is just for you, to address those
concerns that most books won’t help you with.
•
Our relationship suffered from societal pressures—we never felt comfortable in
public in our town. Is it possible to rekindle our love in an environment where we
feel uncomfortable?
It is truly a tragedy that in this day and age some people want to make life harder
for others for no good reason. But the sad truth is that some towns and cultures in this
country, as well as in others, is not conducive to a gay lifestyle—at least, not one in which
both partners in a relationship are open about their sexual preferences and perhaps want
to adopt or live together, etc.
If this is the main stress that has caused your relationship to suffer, the obvious
answer is to try and relocate to a place where you feel less or no pressure about your
lifestyle choices. Of course, any relationship would suffer and perhaps fail if the two
people involved lived somewhere that is not conducive to their interests, hobbies, choices,
hopes and dreams. It just is not a healthy way to live.
•
My lover wants to stay in the closet, but I want him/her to celebrate our love openly.
Can our relationship survive this, or is it doomed?
One of the essential elements I have tried to outline in my book and in this
workbook is that you cannot be in a healthy and happy relationship unless you are secure
in yourself. While I can understand why some people might not feel comfortable coming
out of the closet, especially depending on where they live or what their profession is, it is
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my personal conviction that when one member of a relationship is in the closet, the entire
relationship is going to suffer.
Try to explain to your lover that his or her desire to stay in the closet has the effect
of diminishing the lifestyle choices you have made. It says that he or she is embarrassed
about the life you two have together. Is that any way to build a romance?
If he or she still does not embrace his or her own sexuality in a healthy way, you will
need to ask yourself whether you can stomach a life in which you are not always free to
be yourself. If the answer is no, this may not be the relationship for you.
•
What if our parents are against the relationship?
The only two opinions that matter in a relationship are yours and your lover’s. our
parents are generally well-meaning, but they don’t always see things our way. You know
what’s best for you better than anyone else out there. You are living this life for yourself,
not for anyone else.
If your parents, or anyone else for that matter, are against your relationship, you
may want to explain to them that you appreciate their concern for your happiness, but that
you make your own decisions about your romantic life.
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Conclusion
I hope this workbook has shed a lot of light on how to implement the concepts that I
explained in my book, “Bring Back the Love of Your Life.”
The activities and ideas I have explained here are the same ones I have followed
myself, l and they have led me toward a happiness I never thought I would have again. I
know that some of them may be a little strange or hard to grasp at first, but I urge you to
give them a try. You will be amazed, as I was, by the results!
And if they don’t work at first, keep at it. It can be tough to try and make positive
changes in your life, because we all have a tendency to get entrenched in old habits. But
once you start to see the effects that these exercises and ideas will have on your life, you
will start to develop new, productive, healthy habits! I promise!
I hope these concepts and activities bring you all the joy I feel right now. I wish you
all of the best in life and love!
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