1. art and entertainment
2. movies and tv
3. television

How to Turn on Your TV
Rodney Ohebsion
Published by Rodney Ohebsion at Smashwords
Copyright 2012 Rodney Ohebsion
Decades ago, having a TV was a big deal. "Have you guys heard? Johnson has
a television! In his home! An actual television! Let's make him mayor." Having
a TV was enough to make you mayor of your city. And having ten TVs was
enough to make you President. That's how Eisenhower got elected.
But nowadays, the world is overflowing with TVs. Most households in the US
have too many. A lot of them have a few TVs in the basement. "Damn TVs. We
have too many of them. We have three of those old piece of shit ones. Let's
light them on fire and hit them with a sledgehammer. I'm pissed off at those
TVs for not being flat screens."
Plenty of people have high-end flat screens with satellite dishes and Tivos. But
they still give their TVs a rough time. "There's nothing good on TV. 1000
channels, and nothing I want to watch."
Sometimes I like to look at things from the TV's perspective. What does it
think about the people who watch it? I'll bet it can't stand them. "Oh. Not this
asshole again. Is he seriously going to sit down in front of me on that sofa, in
his underwear, and flip channels until he has to go to work? ... Oh great! Now
he's complaining about how there's nothing good to watch. Is there any way I
can mute him? How come he gets a mute button, and I don't? And he gets to
choose from 1000 channels--but I have to watch this son of a bitch any time
he's here."
Maybe there should be a TV show about life from a TV's perspective. I'd watch
that. We should get Bruce Willis to do the TV's voice.
I also want the TV to explain a few things. Like the recent trend of channels
that don't match their names. For instance, MTV. It originally featured music
videos. But now it's 95% music free. It's basically a reality show network. And
then there's the Biography Channel. It originally featured biographies. But
now it's 95% biography free. It has programming like Celebrity Ghost Stories.
And how about TLC? It was originally The Learning Channel. But now it
focuses on wedding dresses, Long Island psychics, and child beauty pageants.
What's next? Is the Cartoon Network going to start showing pornography? "I
watch reality shows on MTV, celebrity ghost stories on the Biography Channel,
wedding dress shows on TLC, and pornography on The Cartoon Network. And
I watch music videos on The Book Channel, biographies on the Rodeo
Network, educational shows on Cocaine Central, and cartoons on Oxford
University TV."
I just hope this trend doesn't extend beyond TV. Otherwise, pretty soon you'll
walk into a stationary store and see mostly pianos and treadmills.
There are, however, some channels that show exactly what their names say.
And we're getting more and more specific with the themes of our channels. It
started with CNN and ESPN--all news and all sports, all the time. Then we
continued that trend. Now there's a Food Network, a Soap Opera Channel, a
Golf Channel...
I'm just waiting for the day there's an Exhalation Channel that shows nothing
but people exhaling, and an Inhalation Channel that shows nothing but people
inhaling. I hope my cable provider puts those channels back-to-back. I'll have
a lot of fun flipping back and forth between them ten or twenty times a
minute. "Channel 48--inhale, channel 49--exhale, channel 48--inhale, channel
49--exhale..."
Not only have we added a lot of channels since the days of Eisenhower, TVs
have gone through a lot of changes. They've become more complex.
At first, there wasn't much to a TV. Hook it up to an antenna, plug it in. On.
Off. Volume up. Volume down. Channel Up. Channel down.
Then we added cable. And then a VCR. And a nintendo. And a cable box. With
a guide. And a DVD player. And a Tivo.
"Your TV's on, but your cable box is off. Your cable box is on, but your TV's off.
You're using the wrong remote. Now you're using the right remote--but you
need to press Cable first, and then Power.
"If you want to watch TV, get your TV remote and press Input. But don't select
TV. Select HDMI1. That'll get you TV. After you do that, get your cable box
remote. And press Cable. There's a season pass, and a season ticket. There's a
long form, and a short form.
"You want to watch a DVD? Press Input again. No--not on your cable box
remote! On your TV remote! Press Input, and select HDMI3. Don't use a 1040
for that. Your business income goes on another form.
"If you want to find a program, press Menu, and then select Search. No--not
on your TV remote. On your cable box remote. Press Menu. It's one of the 127
buttons on the remote. Press it, and then select Search. And then deduct your
business expenses. On Line 2. Of form 47.
"No--you're using the wrong form. And the wrong remote. And the wrong TV.
I think you went into the wrong house. Look around. You're in the wrong
house. Those aren't your kids. That's not your wife. You're using the wrong
remote, and you're in the wrong house. And the wrong state. You live in
Springfield, Missouri--not Springfield, Massachusetts. Put down all fifteen
remotes, get out of that house, and go 1300 miles southwest!"
So that's what watching TV is like nowadays. You wind up with fifteen remotes
and eight HDMIs, and you're trying to figure out how to turn on the TV. It
happens quite a bit nowadays. Some guy calls up tech support and says, "How
do I turn on my TV?"
And then the tech support guy starts asking questions. "Sir, what brand and
model of cable box do you have?" Of course, they never put that information
on the front of the box. [Customer:] "Uh... where can I find the model
number?" [Support:] "Sir--you have to unscrew the box. The model number's
listed inside."
That's just the beginning of the call. And minutes into it, the tech support guy
calls for a remote change. [Support:] "Sir--you need your TV remote."
[Customer:] "What remote do I have now?" [Support:] "That's your cable box
remote. You need your TV remote."
And that starts off a scavenger hunt. "My TV remote?" He searches here and
there, in this cabinet and that cabinet, under his couch, over his refrigerator,
and he can't find it. His wife is in labor, and he doesn't even care. [Wife:]
"Honey--I'm in labor." [Customer / Husband:] "OK--go to the hospital. I'll
meet you there after I find the TV remote. " He's sweating bullets, and doing
acrobatics to reach in cabinets for a remote. It's almost likehe's the one in
labor. The tech support guy ends up coaching him on Lamaze breathing. "OK,
sir. Breathe in, breathe out. Press Input while you're breathing in, and select
HDMI1 while you're breathing out."
When you're on the phone with a tech support guy, he becomes like like your
cult leader. You'll do whatever he says. [Support:] "Sir--I want you take your
cable box remote, your TV remote, your DVD remote, and your Tivo remote...
and put them in the toilet." [Customer:] "One at a time, or all together?"
[Support:] "Sir--that depends. Is your Tivo HD compatible?"
If I were a tech support guy, I'd spend all day messing with people. "Is your
Tivo HD compatible?" I'd ask that all day. Even if I were working for
Microsoft. I wouldn't even start by asking for someone's name or for their
problem. The first thing I'd say would be, "Is your Tivo HD compatible?" And
then I'd lead the person on a maze to nowhere.
Is that why I'm unemployed? I don't know. Maybe it's because I watch too
much TV.
I want to be a cable guy. Or at least work for the cable company. I want to be
the guy on the phone who says, "OK. We'll be there at some point between 9
and 5."
9 and 5. That's a pretty wide range. It's like they're saying, "We'll get there
when we get there! Don't even bother asking us when."
Not a lot of other people can get away with something like that. [Man:]
"Susan. Will you marry me?" [Susan:] "Yes." [Man:] "OK. We'll have the
wedding at some point between 2013 and 2019. We'll squeeze it in at some
point between now and then. I might have to deal with some other customers
before I get to you."
Cable companies get away with that. In the US. But I'm not so sure it would
work in Yemen.
[Islamic Fundamentalist:] "What do you mean you're going to be here at some
point between 9 am and 5 pm?When are you going to be here?" [Cable
Company:] "Between 9 am and 5 pm." [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "Care to be
more specific? Maybe 10 am and 3 pm?" [Cable Company:] "No." [Islamic
Fundamentalist:] "OK. Fine."
And then of course they won't show up. And he'll call them. [Islamic
Fundamentalist:] "I waited. I waited. 9 am to 5 pm. You do the math. That's a
long time. No one showed up. No one called. I missed a lot of good shows.
Like Meet the Press. Imprison the Press. Covering Gray's Anatomy.
And Looney Sunni Toons."
[Cable Company:] "Oh--sir. I'm sorry. We were very busy yesterday. There was
an incident involving a camel eating some cords, and we weren't able to make
it. But we can get there tomorrow. We're going to be busy again. So we're
going to have to broaden that range a little bit. We'll be there at some point
between 4:30 am and 11:30 pm."
[Islamic Fundamentalist:] "You know what? It's OK. You don't have to come
here. I will come to you. And I'll bring a gift. It'll be attached to my chest. I'll
be there at some point between now and next month."
I watch TV every once in a while on weekdays at 1 pm, and there are a ton of
ads for educational programs aimed at getting you a job. Most of the ads say
something like, "Are you sitting at home watching I love Lucylike you
normally do? You need to get a freaking job, buddy."
I don't really like those ads. I think, "If I wanted to get lectured like this, I
wouldn't be watching I Love Lucy at 1 pm. I want to have fun. I want to hear
Ricky yell at Lucy. I don't want some asshole telling me I need a job. This isn't
what Lucy and Ricky intended when they put out their show."
And to make matters worse, the next commercial is for Aladdin Bail Bonds.
And it's followed by one for beer, and another for cupcakes. What are those
advertisers trying to say? "You're a cupcake eating, beer drinking criminal. Get
off your ass and get a job."
Apparently, that's who I am, just because I'm watching I Love Lucy at 1 pm.
They're giving me a psychological profile through those commercials, in
between Lucy's hijinks.
I love watching daytime TV. Thanks to my unemployed status, I get to watch
plenty of it.
It's amazing how long some daytime TV shows run. Like Maury Povich. It's
been putting out new episodes for over 20 years. Maury's on a mission. He's
not going to quit until his show features all of this country's transsexual
Ugandan refugees who are having an affair with their twin's ex-husband, and
denying the paternity of their triplets.
Any time Maury's show goes to commercial or comes back from one, it asks
the viewer something like, "Are you a redneck caught in a love triangle that
includes two Indonesian strippers you accidentally handcuffed to a bike rack
last Wednesday at around 12:54 am? If so, we want you on our show. Call us
up right now." Some people watch that and say, "Yes! That's me. Redneck,
Indonesian strippers, bike rack." They're so flattered by the attention that they
have to go on the show. That's how they get you. Or sometimes someone
watches the "Are you a..." part, and calls up his friend. "Billy. They're talking
about you on TV. They said, 'Are you denying the paternity of at least four
children born to at least three different women over the last year and a half,
and do you frequently change your appearance and your address in order to
hide from them?' Yes. That's you, Billy. The Maury Povitch Show is talking
about you."
My friend was on Maury Povich's show a few weeks ago--and he's pissed off
with him. In fact, sometimes he just starts talking to an imaginary Maury
Povich out of nowhere, and telling him what's what. It happened a few days
ago. We were just sitting around at a Burger King, and my friend started
talking to "Maury":
"Let me ask you something, Maury. How are you going to tell me I'm the
father of some two year old girl, just because of a DNA test?
"That little girl doesn't even look anything like me. She doesn't have the same
earlobes that I have. How can you call her my daughter without even
measuring our earlobes? Mine have a 16:9 ratio, and hers are 4:3! Do the
math. Find the lowest common denominator, and I'll be vindicated.
"There's no way that little girl is my daughter. She doesn't even like the same
foods that I like. One day, I saw her eating mashed pumpkin--and she was
downing that stuff like it was caviar. I've never eaten mashed pumpkin in my
life. I won't even touch the stuff. How could I, a man who dislikes mashed
pumpkin, be the father of a girl who loves mashed pumpkin? Girls who love
mashed pumpkin don't have fathers who hate mashed pumpkin! If the father
don't love pumpkin, the DNA don't mean nothing. If my lobes are 16:9, that
little girl ain't mine."
"I don't eat pumpkin. But Rob from down the street--that guy loves pumpkin.
I saw him eating a pumpkin pie a while ago, and it wasn't even Halloween or
Thanksgiving! He was just eating it on some random day of the year. And he
has 4:3 earlobes! It looks like I solved the case, Maury!
"I'm definitely not the father. And now I have to pay child support? Should I
pay for your kids too, Maury? I'll pick up the tab for everyone. Rob's kid, and
Maury's kids. I'll pay for all the mashed pumpkin they can eat."
I think Maury's show is pretty educational. I know I've learned a lot from it.
Here's one of the main lessons: Not only is truth stranger than fiction, it's also
having an affair with fiction's best friend. But don't blame truth. Maybe if
fiction actually treated truth decently and paid it some attention, it wouldn't
have to get what it needs somewhere else.
Who's the highest paid person on TV? Believe it or not, it's someone on
daytime TV. Judge Judy. She's pulling in close to $50 million a year. For those
of you who don't know Judge Judy, she hosts a reality court show where she
yells at people and tells them they're wrong.
I wonder how she ended up with that job. Some celebrities get a TV show
because of a sex tape. I think Judge Judy got her show because of a whining
tape. Some network executive saw a video of her yelling at her husband, "You
son of a bitch! Everything you've ever said is wrong!" And the network
executive said, "Holy crap! I think we have to give this woman a show. Let's
make her a celebrity judge."
Like Maury Povich, Judge Judy is also very educational. Any time you see a
schizophrenic suing his stepbrother for selling him a defective toilet plunger,
you're going to learn a lot.
I understand Judge Judy's popularity. But I'm a little confused when it comes
to Dr. Oz. Why are women so into his show? They're really into whatever he
says. They act like he's gossiping about people they know. "Did you hear what
Dr. Oz said yesterday? Jenny's having an affair with the mailman." They act
like Dr. Oz is saying things like that. Even though he's usually just talking
about osteoporosis. How does he make osteoporosis as interesting as Jenny's
affair with the mailman? He has some sort of secret. That's why I tune into his
show. To learn his secret. I don't really care about osteoporosis. I want to
know how Dr. Oz makes women so happy to hear about osteporosis.
After I'm done watching Dr. Oz, I usually flip over to a Spanish soap opera. I
love Spanish soap operas. The characters get extremely emotional about
everything. I think it's because Spanish has double exclamation points. There's
one before and after a sentence. So people feel like they need to double the
emotion. Spanish soap opera characters will have an exchange where one guy
says, "Why are you so upset? All she did was come home five minutes late."
And the other guy responds, "You know damn well why I'm upset! We've got
double exclamation points! There's one before a sentence, and one after a
sentence! Look at the script! Dos! Dos puntos de exclamation!" I'm pretty sure
that's what they're saying on those shows. I don't know that much Spanish.
But I have learned a little by watching Destilando Amor.
Some TV programs are way less educational than Spanish soap operas, Dr. Oz,
Judge Judy, or Maury Povich. For instance, the news.
I'm starting to get sick of the news. It's become a total joke. I was watching it
the other day, and they spent the entire time talking about celebrities. That's
not what I want to hear.
I want to know what's going on in the world. Like what's going on in Australia?
How about Egypt? What are scientists working on? What bills are being
debated in Congress? Is McDonald's going to raise its prices? Is Disneyland
going to get a new ride? Did someone break the world record for longest time
spent standing on one foot? Or what about the record for longest time
standing on one hand? Does Guinness even keep track of that record?
That's what I need to know! That's what the news should be covering!
The news is ridiculous. What about those teasers they use to draw in viewers?
"Is Britney Spears pregnant? Find out later on Action Five News." Then they
cover that story at the very end of the broadcast. You sit through 55 minutes of
whatever, and then they get to the teaser story. "Is Britney Spears pregnant?
No. No. She's not. ... OK. Thanks for tuning in to Action Five News. We'll see
you tomorrow." And people do in fact tune in tomorrow. Even though those
teaser stories turn out to be pretty ho hum most of the time.
If your marriage isn't going so great and you don't want your spouse to leave,
you should just use a teaser like that. If you're three years into a marriage, just
say to your wife, "Am I a good husband? Find out at midnight during our
fifteenth anniversary." She'll probably stick around. You'll have twelve years to
do whatever you want.
Sometimes those news teasers go with a more dramatic approach. "Are you
being killed by the air you're breathing and the water you're drinking? Find
out later on Action Five News. Maybe. You never know. You might die before
we get to the story. After all, air and water might be killing you. You know
what? Just to be safe, you might want to hold your breath until we get to that
story."
They're not messing around when they do that. They're trying to hold you
hostage. "You're not going anywhere, asshole. I don't care if you want to
watch Family Matters on channel 45. You need to hear what we're going to
say."
Aside from those standard news programs, there are the ones that focus more
on politics. Like the shows on Fox News. They're pretty controversial. Some
people are very critical of them. Nevertheless, Fox News is the most popular
news network out there. Probably because The Daily Show's 173,000 writers
watch it nonstop. One says to another, "Did you hear what they said on Fox
News last night?" And the other replies, "Of course I did. Why would you even
ask me that? I hear what they say on Fox News every second. I have no
concept ofnot hearing what Fox News says."
I think Jon Stewart was upset that Obama won in 2008. He was rooting for
Dick Cheney. "I became famous by trashing Bush during his first term. I got
even more famous trashing him during his second term. Just imagine what'll
happen if we have Cheney as President. I'll end up ruling half of the world."
I'm pretty sure Stewart called Cheney every day for a year, urging him to run.
"Come on, Dick. What's it going to take? Do you want to meet Angelina Jolie?
I can introduce you to her. If you run for President, I'll make it happen."
Unfortunately for Stewart, Cheney didn't run. And to make matters worse, the
Republicans lost. We ended up with a President who's about as left wing as
Stewart. That's not good for Stewart's ratings. Now his show's like a version
of The Odd Couple where both roommates are neat freaks.
Whether you're watching network news, Fox News, or the Daily Show, the
news isn't educational. If you want to be educated, stick with Maury, Judy, Dr.
Oz, and telenovelas. And some game shows.
I'm really into game shows. But there's one thing about them that I don't like.
The contestants address their host by his first name. "I'll take Pez Dispensers
for 1000, Alex." I don't get why we're on such informal terms with game show
hosts. On game show sets, contestants say "Alex," "Pat," and "Chuck." And yet,
at a doctor's office, people say "Dr. Smith," "Dr. Jones," and "Dr. Johnson." I
think it should be the other way around. We should call doctors by their first
name, and game show hosts by some sort of title. You should refer to your
proctologist as Jim, and your game show host as Grand Master Sajak. I mean,
who does more good for the world? Doctors or game show hosts? It's
obviously game show hosts. Well, maybe it's not obvious. I guess it's subject to
debate. But some people think it's game show hosts. Alex Trebeck probably
thinks that.
What does Alex Trebeck do when he goes to his doctor? His doctor says, "Well,
Alex. I went through the test results, and you have the flu." And Alex responds,
"Oh. I'm sorry. We can't accept that. You didn't phrase it as a question. That's
going to cost you $1200. And from now on, call me His Trivianess Trebeck.
Okay, Jim?"
Sometimes game shows really piss me off. Like Family Feud. Ordinarily, I like
it. But let me just say this: I don't give a shit what the survey says. Plenty of
people eat tacos for breakfast.
The latest TV craze is reality shows.
Reality shows obviously present a distorted view of reality. I think we should
have a real reality show, Like one featuring a guy stuck in traffic for three
hours. But you know Hollywood. They'll spice everything up. They'll make the
driver a white supremacist, and they'll make the car in front of him have a
bumper sticker that says "Support Israel." The white supremacist will stare at
that for about an hour or so, while stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic. And
then he'll yell out, "The Jews are responsible for every traffic jam in human
history!"
I'm still trying to figure out how real reality shows are.
They definitely pick and choose their footage. They record a lot, and then they
cut out most of it. Like the three hours where Kim Kardashian yells, "What the
hell is going on here? People are using the letter K, and they're not referring to
me. I'm Kim Kardashian. I have 20 million Twitter followers. I've been on the
cover of US Magazine 47 times. And all of these people are just using Ks
without mentioning me! This is ridiculous. K. Kim Kardashian. My initials are
KK. More Ks should be about me."
Then she calls up her publicist. "You know what's going on, right? The Ks.
There are Kim Kardahsiannless Ks everywhere. 95.4% of Ks completely ignore
me. You better bring that figure down to 87.3%. Otherwise you're fired." Then
Kim Hangs up. And the publicist says, "Oh great. Kim's getting into the whole
K thing again."
For some reason, they don't put any of that on Kim's reality shows.
I'll bet they also reshoot a lot of scenes. "Kim. We need to reshoot that fight
you had with Kourtney. This time, pull her hair and call her a bitch."
Does Kim Kardahsian ever get confused trying to figure out what's her real life
and what's her TV show? "I'm snorting cocaine right now. Is this for the show,
or is it for me? I don't know. That's a tough one."
I think she has a full time assistant just for that. She asks the assistant, "Why
am I high on coke? Is this part of the show?" And the assistant says, "No. It's
just something you do every once in a while."
Same goes for her marriage. A week into it, she thought, "Wait a second. Am I
really married to this guy, or is it part of the show? I don't know."
And then she asked her assistant. And even the assistant didn't know. She told
Kim, "I'm not sure. I'll have to check the script."
And what about Jersey Shore? That show might be pretty fake, too. I heard
that the people on it aren't even from Jersey. They're Guatemalans. And even
their tans are fake. And I mean they're fake fake. It's all just special effects.
They add everyone's tans in the video editing room.
When I first came across Jersey Shore, I thought, "Why watch this? I can go
anywhere to watch some asshole acting like an asshole. Why does it have to be
this specific asshole?"
But then Jersey Shore became a major part of the culture. At one point, you
had to watch it just to know what was going on in the world and what other
people were talking about. That's why you had to watch a Jersey Shore asshole
being an asshole, as opposed to watching another asshole who's not on TV. It's
like the world was telling everyone, "We need to make sure you guys know
which asshole we're talking about. We're talking about this asshole on TV. Not
that other asshole on the street."
The thing is, there are definitely some assholes in Jersey who are even bigger
assholes than the ones on the TV show. What does the biggest asshole in
Jersey think when he watches Jersey Shore? "I'm three times the asshole that
guy is. How come I don't have a show?"
Jay Leno should invite that asshole onto his show. And then he'll tell us,
"Ladies and gentleman, we've got a great show for you tonight. Last week, my
guest was the biggest asshole on Jersey Shore. And tonight, we have the
biggest asshole in all of New Jersey."
I think it's interesting how Jay always praises his guests' new movies, shows,
etc. He's interviewing someone, and he tells him, "I saw the movie last night.
It was hilarious. I loved it." He says something like that 100% of the time.
I guess he only interviews people if he likes their latest work. That's the only
explanation I can think of. Why else would he endorse every single thing every
single celebrity mentions on his show?
I'm just waiting for the day Jay's interviewing someone like Tom Hanks, and
he says, "I saw the movie. I couldn't stand it. One hour into it, I called my
manager and said, 'Cancel Tom Hanks's appearance on my show. I hate his
new movie.' But for some reason, we couldn't find a good replacement guest.
So we went with you. And now we're talking about your piece of shit movie.
What do you have to say for yourself? Are you seriously going to claim that you
read that script and thought, 'This seems like a good movie.' Did you even read
the script before you agreed to star in the movie? Or did your agent just call
you up and say, 'Someone's offering you $30 million to be in some piece of shit
movie. Let's take the money.'"
I like Jay's joke about Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He calls him
Mahmoud I'm-a-Nutjob. It's a good joke. Which explains why Jay has used it
324 times. I want to hear what goes on during a writers' meeting at The
Tonight Show. "Ahmadinjad's in the news again. Let's do a joke about him.
And let's have Jay call him Mahmoud I'm-a-Nutjob. That's the type of joke you
have to use at least 400 times. We're only up to 323."
Does Jay Leno also have writers he uses for his actual life? Probably. I'll bet
they tell him how to deal with his wife. "Make sure you mention your wife's
new haircut. Otherwise, you're going to be in serious trouble. She might cancel
your marriage. And if she does, it'll cost you half of your assets." I think Jay
needs his life writers more than he needs his TV writers. He's afraid of being
cancelled by NBC, but he's even more afraid of being cancelled by his wife.
After watching the Tonight Show, I move on to some late late night TV. Like
infomercials.
Am I only the only one who puts on a suit any time I come across an
infomercial? I do that, and then I buy whatever they're selling. After all, there's
a money back guarantee. If you're not satisfied, you can return whatever you
bought for a full refund. Minus the shipping and handling. And you'll also
have to pay to ship it back. And spend two hours packing the thing and going
to the post office. So in summary, if you spend $10 on shipping and two hours
of your time, you'll get your $60 purchase price back.
I don't know. That doesn't seem very satisfying to me. I think you'd be better
off taking a boulder and dropping it on whatever you bought. That's what I
usually do. That's worth more than getting back your $60. Are you kidding
me? That's worth at least $600. So you're actually making money on the deal.
You pay $60 plus shipping and handling, and you get $600 worth of
satisfaction.
That's why I buy everything I see on infomercials, and then drop a boulder on
each product. I don't even bother using the product first. I know it's garbage
the second I see the infomercial. That's what "As Seen on TV" means. "As Seen
on TV, and Stored in Millions of Basements, Garages, and Attics. Because it's a
Piece of Garbage." There's no need to use the product and confirm it's garbage.
I don't even open the package. My UPS guy thinks I'm insane. He delivers a
package, and I immediately drop a boulder on it and say, "I just made $540!".
But I'm actually glad that someone ends up with my $60. That's fine with me.
They deserve it. For putting together an infomercial. 90% of the most
entertaining programs on TV are infomercials. TV Guide should feature them
on their cover, as opposed to Kelsey Grammer's new sitcom.
I love infomercials. Especially the sidekicks. Any time an infomercial host does
or says anything, the sidekick is amazed. "Wait a second! Are you telling me
that I can wash my food dehydrator with just water and detergent? I can use
water that comes out of the tap? And ordinary detergent sold at my local
supermarket? Wow! That's unbelievable! I think I'm about to pass out!"
I want to hire someone like that to be my sidekick in real life. She'd be very
interested in everything I do and say. "Are you telling me you just showered
and ate a nectarine? That's unbelievable!"
With an infomercial, you can sell things that people wouldn't normally buy.
Has anyone ever thought, "You know what I really need? A pasta machine."
Has anyone ever thought that? No. But Ron Popeil has sold millions of pasta
machines on TV.
Ron Popeil is my favorite infomercial pitchman. He's selling us things that we
definitely don't need. He's well beyond the "might not need" category. If
there's no chance we need it, Ron Popeil will convince us to buy it. That's what
he thinks when he decides what product he wants to sell next. "What's the one
thing people absolutely, positively don't need? A food dehydrator. A sausage
machine. A pasta maker. A rotisserie oven." He's challenging himself as a
salesmen. "Don't give me something that people actually need." You'll never
see Ron Popeil selling something like food. That's beneath him. "Food? Why
would I sell that? I'm Ron Popeil. Anyone can sell food. People need food. A
true salesman doesn't bother with something that people need."
So the next time you're considering buying a food dehydrator, just keep that in
mind. It's all part of Ron Popeil's challenge.
Oh--and don't call the guy an inventor. Or a salesman. He's an entertainer.
Ron Popeil is an entertainer.
I'd pay to watch him live. Put me in an infomercial audience.
I'll pay you, Ron. Not $20, not $30, and not even $41.27 like you're probably
thinking. If you let me watch the taping of an infomercial, I'll give you 3 easy
payments of $19.99. And if you act now, I'll throw in my handy dandy peanut
de-sheller.
"If you act now, we'll throw in something." I like that. That's nice of
infomercials. Not only do they want to give you something for free, they also
want to help you overcome your procrastination problem.
But sometimes infomercials piss me off. Because they don't promise me
enough. "Lose 30 pounds in 30 days working out with our machine." When
they tell me that, I think, "30 pounds in 30 days? That's not enough. And why
do I actually have to exercise? That seems unnecessary." Just once, I'd like to
come across an infomercial that says, "You know what? You don't even have to
use the machine or diet. As soon as your payment clears, the fat will start
burning off of your body. Once that money goes from your credit card to our
account, your fat will go from your belly to your worst enemy's ass."
If you're like me and you don't think infomercials go far enough, then head on
over to a home shopping channel and listen to some guy trying to sell you
coins. He'll tell you, "This is the most incredible deal I've ever come across in
my life. I can't believe that I'm in a position where I can sell you 200 quarters
for just two easy payments of $99.99." He'll convince you it's the best bargain
in human history. "After all, if you were to buy these quarters individually,
you'd end up spending at least $85,000. If you're lucky enough to find them. I
mean, where else are you going to find a state quarter that was released in
2005? These are impossible to find!"
By the end of it, you think, "Wait a second. This guy's selling quarters for a
dollar. He should be charging ten dollars!"
I don't know how he does it. He convinces you to pay a dollar per quarter. It's
unbelievable. Whoever does that isn't getting paid enough. His network
should double his salary. He should make more than the company's CEO.
He probably does more for the company than just sell quarters. He also pays
their employees' salaries. Everyone gets minimum wage. But the quarter
salesman makes it seem like a fortune. He says to one of them, "Here's your
weekly pay. 1500 uncirculated state quarters. Do you know how much it would
cost to buy these in stores? More than your fucking life!"
We should hire that guy to deal with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He'll tell
one side, "I can't believe I'm in a position where I can get you 1.7 billion square
feet of premium, uncirculated, holy land--complete with mineral rights, and a
certificate of authenticity. Do you know how many wars it would take to
acquire and keep that land without this agreement? At least a hundred
thousand. A hundred thousand wars." And then he'll tell the other side the
exact same thing. Each side will agree and get 1.7 billion square miles. And
then the quarter salesman will keep Israel's other 19 billion square feet for
himself as a commission. He can use it to open the world's largest coin store.
Aside from coins, they also sell a lot of perfume on home shopping channels.
And they tell you something like, "If you wear this perfume, you'll pretty much
become the Princess of Monaco. Prince Harry will end up proposing to you."
Will that happen because of your new perfume? I don't know. But maybe some
guy at your local Winn Dixie will say, "You smell good. Do you want to go to
my apartment?"
There are plenty of interesting real life characters on TV. Like Ron Popeil and
the quarter salesman. And of course, the white guy on Soul Train. There's
always that one white guy. He's awesome. I'll bet everyone knows him as "the
white guy on Soul Train." Even if he only happened to be on one episode. He's
still "the white guy on Soul Train." Even his own parents know him as that. He
goes to his parents' house for Thanksgiving, and they say, "Hey--it's the white
guy on Soul Train, a.k.a. our son Tim." That's some serious typecasting. Even
JJ from Good Times isn't subject to something like that. To 99.9% of the
world, he's JJ. But at least when he goes home for Thanksgiving, his family
doesn't call him JJ. They do, however, ask him to say, "Dynomite!"
There are 1000 channels on TV, and most of them exist to show reruns
of Everybody Loves Raymond. You can watch three episodes from 3:00 to
4:30 on channel 4, and then five episodes from 4:30 to 7:00 on channel 45,
and then three more episodes from 7:00 to 8:30 on channel 97. Or you can
watch five episodes from 3:00 to 5:30 on channel 17, and then two episodes
from 5:30 to 6:30 on channel 77, and then four more episodes from 6:00 to
8:30 on channel 2. I don't think that's enough, though. If you're a
real Everybody Loves Raymond fan, you should also marry a woman named
Debra, and then move across the street from your parents. That's the
ultimate Everybody Loves Raymond experience.
In the Spanish speaking world, the long reigning king of sitcoms is El Chavo
del 8, featuring el super comediante Chespirito. The show ran from 1971 all
the way until 1992, and it's rerun about as often asEverybody Loves
Raymond. There are 23,874 episodes. And you can't distinguish one from
another. It's just the same 8 jokes over and over again. Any time you watch the
show, you think, "Have I seen this one before? I'm not sure. There are a lot of
familiar elements." You have to hire an expert to figure out which episode
you're watching.
The most watched sitcom episode of all time is the MASH Finale, titled
"Goodbye, Farewell and Amen."
Closely behind it is the Full House Finale, titled "Piss Off." It was amazing.
Have you guys seen it? Here's what happens:
Uncle Joey and Uncle Jesse get into a knife fight. I guess that was actually
kind of predictable. When I saw the first episode of Full House, I said, "These
two guys are definitely going to get into a knife fight at some point. There's no
way they'll avoid it. Uncle Jesse. Uncle Joey. Knife fight." I knew it would end
up happening. And it does in the finale. I'm not going to tell you who wins.
Someone dies, though.
What else happens? Danny Tanner gets in trouble for using the n-word at a
PTA meeting. That wasn't very predictable. I didn't expect that. Danny was a
racist all along. That kind of changes the way I look at the previous episodes.
Sort of like how the Kramer incident changed the way I look at Seinfeld.
As for DJ, she becomes an Islamic fundamentalist. She comes home with a
new boyfriend: Mahmoud Muhammad Ali Abbas.
Stephanie becomes a bodybuilder. There's one scene where she shoots steroids
while snorting coke. Then she goes up to Danny and criticizes his quads.
What else? Michelle goes catchphrase crazy in one scene. For five minutes
straight, it's "You got it, dude!" "You're in big trouble, mister!" etc.
Full House features some pretty good catchphrases. They all really caught on.
Sometimes sitcoms introduce catchphrases that don't take off, and they have
to abandon them. Remember episodes 72 to 76 of Cheers? In each one, Norm
says, "Ow--my liver!" That was his catchphrase. But people never got into that
one. The show had to get rid of it. And what about Happy Days episodes 44 to
49? In all six of them, Fonzie tells a woman, "If you don't get an abortion, I'll
cut your throat." I figured that would become as popular as Archie Bunker's
"Stifle yourself." But Happy Days viewers never became fans of "If you don't
get an abortion, I'll cut your throat." So Fonzie just went back to saying
"Eyyyyyyy."
One thing I've noticed about sitcoms is that the characters get handcuffed to
each other frequently. In real life, that's a rare occurrence--but in the world of
sitcoms, it happens twice a season. It's also common for a sitcom character to
think that a bear is actually a man in a bear suit. That happens about once a
season. And let's not forget about when a character finds himself in a variation
of A Christmas Carol. That also happens once a season.
I'm still waiting for the sitcom cliche trifecta where someone accidentally
handcuffs himself to a bear who's also the ghost of Christmas present.
Sitcoms also feature a lot of humorous misunderstandings. Three's
Company was full of those. Like the episode where Mr. Furley overhears Jack
tell Janet about his shoes. Mr. Furley misinterprets everything, and thinks
Jack is actually taking about assassinating Jimmy Carter at 4:04 pm next
Wednesday. And in that same episode, Larry overhears Mr. Furley talking to
Terry about Jack's plan to kill Jimmy Carter--but Larry misinterprets
everything, and thinks Mr. Furley is telling Terry that he has pancreatic
cancer. That was a pretty good episode. Especially the part where Jack saves
his restaurant from bankruptcy by telling his Uncle that he's gay. [Jack:] "How
am I going to pay this month's rent?" [Janet:} "I know. Just tell you're Uncle
that you're gay."
After the cancellation of Three's Company, the actress who played Janet went
on to star in another sitcom that contained even more misunderstandings. In
fact, the entire sitcom was just one long misunderstanding. 127 episodes.
Everyone figured things would be cleared up in the series finale. But instead,
the misunderstanding just continued right through the closing credits. When
that epsisode ended, a record 745,348 people took a sledgehammer to their
TV. "Son of a bitch! I waited 127 episodes for this misunderstanding to come
to an end!" I think it was all just a conspiracy headed by RCA. Thanks to that
show's unresolved misunderstanding, TV sales skyrocketed in 1985.
If you watch the first episode of that show, you'll get hooked and watch tne
entire series. That's why they air that first episode twice a day on TV Land.
That's good strategy. It's similar to how drug dealers give pro athletes a free
sample of cocaine.
Not only am I into sitcoms themselves, I'm really into sitcom theme songs. I
think the Emmy's should have ten or twenty categories just for them. "Best
Sitcom Theme Song with No Lyrics." "Most Educational Sitcom Theme Song."
"Most Racially Insensitive Sitcom Theme Song."
I can't envision a sitcom without a theme song intro. I think if they were to just
start showing sitcoms without intros, the world would go crazy. Imagine
watching All in the Family without hearing "Boy, the way Glenn Miller played"
at the beginning. If that doesn't give you the urge to kill someone, I don't know
what does. How many murders have sitcom theme songs prevented? Imagine
watching Three's Company without the theme song. That'll lead to more than
murder. It'll start a nuclear war.
I can see the opposite, though. TV theme songs without the actual shows. I
actually listen to theme songs like that. I bump them on my car stereo. That
makes you gangsta. Imagine me riding along in my Honda Civic, with
"Shlameel, Shlamazel" playing at full volume.
Some sitcom theme songs are so good that you don't even need the sitcom
episode. They just throw the episode in there because there has to be
something to fill up the remaining 29 minutes.
One thing I find interesting is that there are pretty much no sitcoms featuring
Hispanic or Asian people. As if the world is saying, "Hispanics? Asians? No.
What we need is five more seasons of According to Jim."
That's an insult. According to Jim ran for eight seasons, but According to
Ling Tang didn't make it past stage one. I'll bet Asians hate Jim Belushi. NonAsians hate him, too. I like him, though. But he should seriously consider
adding an Asian sidekick. Not just on TV. In real life. When I see Jim Belushi
at next year's Emmy's, he better be accompanied by an Asian man named Ling
Tang.
Asians can't even get a side character on a sitcom. They can't even get a kooky
neighbor who makes a brief appearance every few episodes.
There is, however, an Asian neighbor in the unaired, pre-pilot episode
of Friends. At one point, Ross the paleontologist comes across him, and they
chat. [Neighbor:] "Oh--you study dinosaurs." [Ross:] "Yeah." [Neighbor:]
"Dinosaurs must taste very good." [Ross:] "Uh--they're extinct." [Neighbor:]
"Yes--but if they were alive, they would taste good."
But for some reason, Friends ditched that Asian character.
Sitcom characters are all psychotic. They're always saying funny things--but
none of them ever laugh. The audience laughs. But the characters never laugh,
They're very serious. "This is very serious stuff. There's no room for laughter."
There's no laughter from the characters. Actually, there's a little. On I Love
Lucy, whenever Fred insults Ethel, Ricky laughs his ass off. Fred says
something like, "Ethel--you fat lunatic." And then Ricky says, "Ha ha ha.
Fred--you're right. She is a fat lunatic!"
It only goes to show you how much TV has changed over time. From the
standpoint of political correctness, I Love Lucy is guilty of some pretty serious
violations. Fred and Ricky call Ethel a fat lunatic. The show's set in New York
City, but there are no black people anywhere. And there are cigarettes
everywhere. Everyone on the show smokes a pack a day. Even Little Ricky.
[Little Ricky:] "Mommy--can I have desert?" [Lucy:] "Not until you've had
your cigarettes. Smoke them up so you can grow big and strong. Like the
Marlboro Man." The Marlboro Man was a hero back then. Like Johnny
Appleseed.
I can only imagine how politically correct people feel when they watch I Love
Lucy. I can just hear one complaining about it. "I Love Lucy is completely
inappropriate. We need to remake every episode, and destroy the originals.
Here's what the new I Love Lucy should be like. Let's start with the smoking.
If you want to have a few smokers on the show, fine--but most of them should
end up dying of lung cancer within the first few episodes. Oh--and don't forget
Little Ricky. Making him die due to second hand smoke will really get the
message across. And of course, we need to add a few black people to the show.
Making Little Ricky black would be a good start. He should be the Ricardos'
adopted child from Africa. That'll make his death even more dramatic. 'Lucy
and Ricky killed an innocent African child with their cigarette smoke!' That
sounds like a winner to me. And let's shoot a series finale about a group of
black, anti-smoking feminists."
Nowadays, if a movie shows someone smoking a cigarette, it'll get an R rating.
Smoking is rated R. But murder is PG. Unless a smoker gets murdered during
the film. That lowers the rating to G. After all, kids need to see smokers getting
murdered. Because we really don't want to encourage people to smoke.
Hollywood should make a movie about a superhero who kills smokers. He gets
up every morning, eats a gluten-free, dairy-free bowl of cereal for breakfast,
puts on his superhero outfit, gets on his bicycle made of 100% recycled horse
urine, and then goes around town killing smokers. He also runs a "cigarettes
for guns" program. Bring in a carton of Marlboros, walk away with an AK-47.
And a movie ticket. To a tobacco-free movie.
Nowadays, the media is as anti-smoking as it gets. Even though in the 1950s, it
was as pro-smoking as it gets. That's the way things work. Certain things are
phased out. It's not just smoking.
When you watch a lot of movies and TV from the late 70s through the present
day, one thing you'll probably notice is that the hairy chest look has gone from
popular to unpopular. Back during the peak of Three's
Company and Magnum PI, shows and movies went out of their way to show
hairy chests. And then Hollywood introduced us to Alec Baldwin. He took
things to the next level. His movies showcased his chest hair. Some Hollywood
producers and executives said, "We're going to put Alec's chest on display in
every movie he's in. It doeesn't matter who he's playing. Even if it's the
President. Even if it's Gandhi. You know what? Let's cast Alec as Gandhi. And
we'll have at least seven scenes that are about his hairy chest. And we'll also
make it so his chest hair wins India its independence."
I was upset when Alec's chest hair didn't win an Oscar in 88. That was a
robbery. I don't even know who won in 88, but it really doesn't matter. As far
as I'm concerned, even Jack Nicholson's best performance is no match for Alec
Baldwin's worst chest hair.
I really enjoyed Alec's interview with James Lipton on Inside the Actors
Studio. James asked him about the defining moment in his career. And Alec
mentioned the chest hair scene in Working Girl. "When I watched that scene
in the editing room, and saw it focus on my chest from multiple angles, that's
when I knew I was a great actor. I knew I was destined to devote myself to
acting. I knew it."
But for some reason, the career of Alec's chest hair didn't cause an explosion
in chest hair popularity. Hollywood went in the opposite direction. Nowadays,
all actors must have smooth chests or keep a shirt on at all times. Remember
when Matthew McConaughey attempted to bring back the hairy chest in
2007? People acted like he pulled out a cigarette and started smoking it at a
kindergarten. Rob Reiner issued a fatwa against him. And what about Alec
Baldwin himself? The other day, I saw him in an infomercial for a chest hair
removal kit.
Aside from getting rid of cigarettes and chest hair, movies have also made
another change over the decades. They've gotten rid of the pre-movie
cartoons. In the old days, movie theaters used to show a cartoon before most
feature films.
I wish they'd bring that back. I'm a big fan of cartoons. Particularly Looney
Tunes. And especially the Coyote vs. Road Runner series.
It's a good thing those cartoons weren't made in the 80s. Otherwise the coyote
would've said, "I'm not going to spend my days and nights chasing around
50,000 milligrams of cholesterol. Road runner? No. Give me a of tofu-based
road runner alternative. My doctor put me on an egg free, road runner free
diet."
Thankfully, most of those cartoons were made in the 50s and 60s--back when
the world was as pro-cholesterol as it gets. Back then, people tried to
maximize the cholesterol content of everything they ate. I'm surprised Warner
Bros. didn't have Bugs Bunny fry his carrots in butter and lard.
After watching a few Road Runner vs. Coyote cartoons, you start asking
questions. For instance, what was the Coyote's home life like?
He got home from work, and his wife said, "How was your day?" And he
replied, "It was pretty good. I fell off a cliff a few times--but I almost caught
the Road Runner. I was pretty close. I'm probably going to get him tomorrow.
I have a really good plan. It involves a mirror, earthquake pills, and a giant
magnet. It's very complex."
And then his wife complained, "No road runner? My sister's husband sold
three Buicks today. And you didn't catch one road runner? The same road
runner you've been chasing for 142 episodes?"
How come the Coyote never considered changing careers? How come he didn't
sell Buicks? He would've been good at it. "I sold fifteen Buicks today. I used a
mallet, firecrackers, a slingshot, and a statue."
I've always found the Coyote's quest to be interesting. He thought getting the
Road Runner would give him complete fulfilment in life. Then in the final
episode, he finally caught him. And after taking the first bite, he said, "You
know what? This really isn't that good. I figured road runner would be way
better. It's dry, and way too chewy. I'd rather have a Big Mac. I'm not even
going to finish this."
And after that, his life became purposeless. "I got the Road Runner. Now
what?"
It was never even about the Road Runner. The Coyote was just bored. He
made $500 million during his era's version of the dot com boom, and then he
said, "What should I do now? How about I chase a road runner?"
Most people don't know that the actor who played the Coyote was named Wile
E. Coyote. And fewer people know that his real name was Mordechai Ezekiel
Coyotowitz.
For some reason, when a Jew enters the world of entertainment, it's not
uncommon for him to make his name less Jewish. It's happened plenty of
times before. For instance, Chaim Weitz became Gene Simmons, Allan
Stewart Konigsberg became Woody Allen, Amos Muzyad Yakhoob Kairouz
became Danny Thomas, and Tiffany Hadassah Yehudit Zionstein
Goldenbergowitzenweinenersteinenbergowitz became Madonna.
I'm waiting for the day a Jew does the opposite. Actor David Leibowitz will
think, "You know what? I'm just going to change my name to Shimon
Christkiller. I want to make sure people know I'm Jewish."
I think Adam Sandler considered doing that. He prefers to emphasize that he's
Jewish.
I have a couple of good ideas for Adam Sandler movies.
The first movie's set in New York. A Jewish woman in her late twenties is
talking to her mother: [Woman:] "Ma--I'm dating someone, and it's starting to
get serious." {Mother:] "Well, tell me about him. What does he do for a
living?" [Woman:] "Well. He's a samurai." {Mother:] "What? What do you
mean he's a samurai?" [Woman:] "He's a samurai. You know. He has a sword.
He goes on missions. A shogun is involved. I'm not sure how the system
works. But my boyfriend is a samurai. ... But don't worry, mom. He's Jewish.
He's the world's only Jewish samurai. As a matter of fact, he looks a lot like
Adam Sandler." {Mother:] "Well, tell me something else about him. What's his
family like?" [Woman:] "Um... samurai don't really have families." [Mother:]
"A samurai? I don't know if I like that. I don't know if I want my daughter to...
What kind of a Jew become a samurai?" [Woman:] "Ma--don't worry. He's a
serious Jew. In fact, he's double circumcised. He circumcised himself the
second time. With his samurai sword."
So that's one of the movie's first scenes. And then in the final scene, Adam
Sandler's samurai character loses a match. And according to the samurai code
of honor, he's supposed to commit hari kari suicide. People in the audience
will probably think he won't do it. They'll think, "A Jew's not going to commit
hari kari suicide." And then he'll do it. Most of the movie will be an Adam
Sandler romantic comedy--but it'll end with Adam Sandler committing hari
kari suicide. Closing Credits.
That'll win Adam an Academy Award. I'm pretty he doesn't have one of those.
Now, I know some of you are going to say, "Audiences aren't going to go for a
Jewish samurai." Bullshit. If Tom Cruise can be a samurai, Adam Sandler can
be a samurai. A New York City Jewish samurai. That makes a lot of sense. It
makes more sense than the Tom Cruise as a samurai.
So there's my first Adam Sandler movie.
The second one is called Super Schlomo. It's about a Jewish superhero. I'm
sure that's been done a several times before. But don't worry about it.
Hollywood's motto is, "If there's a market for 35 James Bond movies, there's a
market for another Jewish superhero."
Here's the movie's opening:
Schlomo is seated on a couch, watching TV with his mother and father. He
suddenly touches his temples.
[Mother:] "What is it, Schlomo? Is it your migraines?" [Schlomo:] "No--it's my
Jewey sense. Someone's in trouble. I gotta go." [Mother:] "Go? What do you
mean go? You haven't even eaten anything yet!" [Schlomo:] "Ma--I gotta go!
I'm a crimefighter. It's what I do." [Mother:] "What kind of a Jew works on the
Sabbath. Morty--are you listening to this?" [Father / Morty:] "If the boy's
gotta go, he's gotta go." [Schlomo:] "Ma--I really don't have time for this."
[Mother:] "I don't like you leaving like this right out of the blue. I mean, I
could understand it if you were a doctor and had an emergency surgery or
something. And why didn't you become a doctor? I mean, you were the
smartest boy in your class..." [Schlomo:] "Ma--I gotta go right now!"
[Mother:] "Well at least take something to eat with you." [Schlomo:] "Ma--I
don't have time! And besides--where am I gonna put a container of borscht?"
[Mother:] "Well why do you have to go flying everywhere? Can't you take your
Honda there?" [Schlomo:] "Ma--I need to get there as soon as possible. Why
would I take my Honda when I can just jump out the window and fly directly
to where I'm going?" [Mother:] "Well at least put on a sweater or something."
[Schlomo:] "... Do you have any concept of time?! Some woman could be
seconds away from being raped, and you're yapping about sweaters and
Hondas." [Mother:] "Raped?! My goodness. Who's being raped?" [Schlomo:]
"Ma--I've told you a thousand times. My Jewey sense doesn't tell me what's
happening. It just leads me to a person in distress. Now if you'll excuse me, I
gotta get going."
[Mother:] "Fine. Go. Heaven forbid you should spend a few hours on a
Sabbath night with your old soon-to-be-deceased mother." [Schlomo:] "Soon
to be deceased? I'll tell you what: you get a doctor's note that says you're soon
to be deceased, and I'll pack my bags and move in here." [Mother:] "Morty-are you listening to this? Do hear the way he talks to me?" [Father / Morty:]
"Well maybe if you actually listened to him every one in a while, he wouldn't
have to talk to you like that." [Mother:] "I listen to him!"
Schlomo jumps out of the window while the two of them talk, without them
noticing. He flies to a small convenience store, looks inside, and sees a tough
looking robber pointing a gun towards the clerk. Then he says to himself,
"Holy Moses," and walks into the store.
[Robber:] "Who the hell are you?" [Schlomo:] "I'm, uh, Super Schlomo."
[Robber:] "Who?" [Schlomo:] "Super Schlomo. The superhero. You've never
heard of me?" [Robber:] "Oh yeah. I've heard of you. What do you want?"
[Schlomo:] "I'm, uh, trying to stop you from robbing this store. You know. I'm
a superhero fighting crime." [Robber:] "Oh yeah? Well find some other
schmuck to fight crime against--'cause unless you have Superman hidden up
your ass, I'm robbing this here store!" [Schlomo:] "... Fair enough."
Schlomo turns around and heads for the door. The robber turns back towards
the clerk and grabs his money. Schlomo stops, pulls a "Ninja star of David" out
of his pocket, and throws it towards the robber. It knocks the gun right out of
his hand and onto the floor. Schlomo follows up by rushing the robber and...
That's the end of this preview. Some other parts of the movie include Schlomo
having a midlife crisis, his battle with the supervillain Retail, and his visit to
the doctor due to some knee pain. Oh--and did I mention that Schlomo's a
hypochondriac?
As you might imagine, I'm trying to make it in Hollywood.
Aside from my Adam Sander movie ideas, I have a completed, full length
movie script.
I shopped it around to Hollywood. I talked to James Cameron. Well, I didn't
really talk to him. Because he was unwilling to take my calls. But I talked to
James Cameron's assistant. Well, I didn't really talk to him either.
Because he was unwilling to take my calls. But I talked to someone. Some guy
who was willing to take my calls. Unfortunately, that person's not in the
entertainment industry. And my talks with him didn't really get me anywhere.
So here I am. Doing this.
But it's not like Hollywood's unwilling to buy my script. It's unwilling
to read it. No one will so much as look at the thing.
They should change the name of Hollywood. Take down that Hollywood sign.
And replace it with "No One Wants to Read Your Script." That's Hollywood.
No one wants to read your script. Unless you're James Cameron's cousin. Add
an asterisk to the sign. "No One Wants to Read Your Script*." And then
somewhere else, "*Unless you're James Cameron's cousin."
That's essentially what Hollywood is.
If you walk into Hollywood holding a script, don't expect a director or
producer to walk up to you, take your script, and start reading it. That's not
the way things work around there.
Instead, somebody will say, "Oh--you have a script! Congratulations. Now
we're going to exile you. We're going to exile you for being one of the millions
of assholes who have the audacity to try and waste our time by walking
through our city holding a script. Now if you'll excuse us, we're very busy.
We're working on a remake of Tootsie. Take your script, and get the hell out of
here. Read the sign. 'No One Wants to Read Your Script. Unless you're James
Cameron's cousin."
How can I convince James Cameron I'm his cousin? That's a better strategy.
Maybe I really am his cousin. You never know. I'll hire a genealogist to find
out. I might be his distant cousin. After all, Barack Obama and George W.
Bush are tenth cousins once removed.
But regardless of whether or not I'm actually related to James, I'm going to
convince him he's my cousin. That's my strategy. I'm not even going to bother
with a script. I should just light my script on fire. I'm James Cameron's cousin.
Therefore, I'm an executive producer. I think.
Or maybe I should find a female movie producer, and pitch her an idea for a
chick flick. Something likeBridesmaids. That might get me somewhere. After
all, Bridesmaids made a lot of money. I'll wait around outside of a film studio.
And any time I see a woman drive out, I'll follow her. And when she finally
gets out of her car, I'll pitch my movie.
"It's like Bridesmaids. My movie's like Bridesmaids. It's a lot
like Bridesmaids. It's just like Bridesmaids. Only it's not Bridesmaids. But it'll
make money
like Bridesmaids. Bridesmaids, Bridesmaids, Bridesmaids,Bridesmaids.
Money, money, money, money. Bridesmaids. Money. My movie's going to
make money likeBridesmaids."
Women should be insulted by a movie like Bridesmaids. The industry is
saying, "Women are ATMs. We use movies like Bridesmaids to make
withdrawals from them. $10 here, $8 there. The movie is like a PIN code."
So again, I'll come up with something like Bridesmaids. They've already
covered bridesmaids. What else is there at a wedding? Flowers. Let me just
check to make sure no one's used that title before. ... Nope.
OK. My movie's called Wedding Flowers. Starring Cameron Diaz. (Hopefully.)
That should make some money.
In my movie, Cameron Diaz is a likable unmarried woman. She's likable, but
some elements of her life are a little pathetic.
And her friend just announced an engagement. An unexpected engagement.
Cameron's happy that her friend's engaged. But she's also upset. Because she's
not the one who's engaged. "My friend's engaged to this great guy, and I'm
not." She's single. Or she has a bad boyfriend. Both. She's single and she has a
bad boyfriend. She alternates between the two during the film.
And there needs to be some sort of crazy adventure. Cameron, her engaged
friend, and a few other girls get drunk and have a wild night. And there's also a
scene where they shop for a wedding gown. Also while drunk. And that also
turns into a crazy adventure.
And I'll add some homosexual men. The movie will be packed with wedding
gowns and homosexual men. And a homosexual wedding. Make
that two homosexual weddings.
Oh--and I'll have all of the women go on a diet together. Wedding gowns,
homosexual men, and diets. The women can go on a diet with the homosexual
men. I can even have one scene where a homosexual man tries on a wedding
dress, and complains how he's too fat to fit in it. I want to make sure this
movie makes a lot of money.
But again, Cameron is kind of depressed. She's not getting married, and her
life's not going so great. And she's on a diet. Make that three diets. She's on the
South Beach Diet, the Mediterranean Diet, and the Okinawan Diet. All three of
them together. She'll call that the Passport Diet.
She's very likeable. And she's in charge of buying the flowers for her friend's
wedding. And after the dieting, the adventures, the wedding gowns, etc., she
finds the man of her dreams. The End.
So that's the movie. Hopefully someone will make it. And don't forget about
my Adam Sandler movies. And my script.
I actually have a few more scripts.
One is for a movie about a gangster with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In
one scene, he's in the 'hood, and he gets into a confrontation with another
gangster. And the other gangster says something that pisses him off. And the
OCD gangster flips out. "What'd you say?! What'd you say?! That's it. I'm
going to beat your ass! I'm going to beat your motherfucking ass! ... Um, but
before I do, can you just give a minute to spin three times, touch my ear
several times, and sing 'I'm a Little Teapot?' Yeah--I got to do that shit before I
beat your ass. I have OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I can't beat your
ass unless I've done that shit first. If you're willing to wait, oh, about 45
seconds for me to do all of that, then I'm going to beat your motherfucking
ass!"
Hopefully James Cameron will make that movie.
I also have a script for a Kung Fu movie. There's not much to it, though.
"Scene 45: Lee kicks the shit out of ten guys in a boat. Scene 46: Lee kicks the
shit out of two guys in a store. Scene 47: Lee looks into a mirror and kicks the
shit out of his reflection. Scene 48: Lee goes to a supermarket and kicks the
shit out of the canned goods."
My favorite thing about Kung Fu movies is the way a group of bad guys attack
a good guy. They say to each other, "Let's attack this guy one at a time. Bob-it's your turn. Carl's on deck. Sal's in the hole."
I also like the sound you hear when one person punches or kicks another. It's
too bad real life doesn't have those. If you're the type of person who fights a
lot, you should also have a sound effects guy. Just call him up and say, "Bill.
I'm going to beat the shit out of some guys tonight at the pub on 4th street.
Bring your sound effects machine."
But getting back to my scripts. I also have one that's based on a true story. Sort
of. Let's just say it meets Hollywood's standards for being "based on a true
story."
Here's the actual story. Two Muslim cab drivers saved a New York City kosher
bagel shop from closing. Coney Island's Bialys and Bagels. Have you heard of
them? They've been cranking out bagels since 1920, when Morris Rosenzweig
opened the place. (By the way, Morris Rosenzweig isn't Muslim.)
Rosenzweig's grandson Steve Ross was going to close the business, but
Muslim cab driver Zafaryab Ali bought it, and then became partners with
Peerzada Shah--also a Muslim cab driver. Did I mention that they're both
Muslim cab drivers? That's an important part of the story. If I don't emphasize
it, no one's going to see the movie.
Anyways, under the new owners--both of whom are Muslim cabdrivers (Did I
already mention that?)--Bialys is doing some pretty good business. Shah and
Ali are running the place, along with its longtime employee Joseph Jackson.
So there we go. That's the true story.
Now let's move on to the movie based on that true story.
In the movie, Peerzada Shah and Zafaryab Ali are two Muslim cab drivers, and
Steve Ross is the Jewish owner of a struggling bagel shop known as Bialy's.
Just like in real life. After all, my movie's based on a true story. Anyways, in
the movie, Ross's daughter gets engaged to Ali's son. And of course, Ross and
Ali both flip out. "You're engaged to a Muslim?!" You're engaged to a Jew?!"
The two families meet each other, and just about declare war. But then one
day, they have breakfast at Bialy's, and they somehow, kind of get along-especially because Ali and Ross discover that they both play handball. The two
of them end up playing each other in a game of handball a few days later, and
they soon discover that they have a lot of other things in common. And they
become friends. And Ross mentions how he's going to close down his bagel
shop. [Insert 25-30 standard cliched movie elements here.] And Ali and his
friend Shah buy Bialy's from Ross, days before Ali and Ross's kids get married
with the approval of both families. The End.
And then we'll follow that up with a sequel where Ali and Shah run the bagel
shop. As for their employee Joseph Jackson, I don't really like that character-so I'll replace him with a sassy black woman who frequently gets attitudy with
her two bosses. I'm hoping to get the actress who played Pam on Martin. And
I want Jake Gyllenhaal to play Ali.
Oh yeah. The first movie will start with a scene where a a naggy Jewish woman
goes into labor while she's all alone, gets into a cab, and sees Peerzada Shah.
He's a Muslim cab driver. In case you forgot.
Will James Cameron be interested in that? Maybe not. Maybe Adam Sandler
will like it. He can play Steve Ross.
What came first: Adam Sandler, or the very concept of an Adam Sandler
movie? People in the entertainment industry ask themselves that every day.
That's like Hollywood's version of a Zen koan.
Anyways, let's move on to yet another one of my scripts. This one's for an
Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.
In it, Arnold plays a spy who's pretending to be a computer salesman. He even
has his longtime wife convinced he sells computers for a living.
For instance, after going on a spy mission, killing 500 people, and ending up
with a few injuries, he comes back home, and is shaving in front of a mirror
the next morning while his wife puts on her makeup. And she asks him about
his "computer convention." [Wife:] "So how did it go?" [Arnold:] "Pretty good.
We really killed with our new computers. A group of Japanese men placed a
huge order." [Wife:] "Great. ... What happened to your hand?" [Arnold:] "... I
cut it on a computer." [Wife:] "And what about that bruise on your ankle?"
[Arnold:] "A computer fell on it." [Wife:] "And that cut on your forehead?"
[Arnold:] "... I got into a fight with another computer man. And he hit me with
a computer."
And the next day, Arnold goes on another mission and kills 1500 people. And
later, there's a scene at his home, and his wife asks him if he bought a
Christmas gift for their son. [Wife:] "Where's the Turbo Man you bought last
month? I want to wrap it up for Billy." [Arnold:] "Turbo what? [Wife:] "Turbo
Man. The action figure you were supposed to get for Billy." [Arnold:] "Billy
who?" [Wife:] "Billy our son. For God's sake Arnold, don't you know the
names of our own children?" [Arnold:] "Of course I do." [Wife:] "OK. Then
what are the names of our other kids?" [Arnold:] "... OK--maybe I don't."
[Wife:] "Anyways, did you get the Turbo Man?" [Arnold:] "Uh... No. I must
have forgotten."
And then later, Arnold goes looking for a Turbo Man action figure, and he kills
45 men in the process. And the next day, his wife says, "Honey--did you get
the Turbo Man?" "Yes," replies Arnold. "It is right here." He picks up a
shopping bag and hands it to her. She takes a box out of it. [Wife:] "Arnold.
This a Turd Man. Not a Turbo Man." [Arnold:] "Turd Man, Turbo Man. What
difference does it make?" [Wife:] "Oh, I think it's going to make a huge
difference when our son opens his Christmas gift and finds a piece of poo with
a face on it!" [Arnold:] "So what! You know, kids are too spoiled nowadays.
When I was a boy growing up Austria, we did not have toys. We played with
dirt. And if there was no dirt available, we played with air! We did not cry and
moan if we didn't get a freaking Turbo Man doll. We were just happy to be
alive! [Wife:] "Well, this isn't the Austria of your childhood. It's the America of
your son's childhood. And... Wait a second. Austria? You told me you were
from Texas." [Arnold:] "Uh... yes. I meant to say... Austin. Austin, Texas.
Howdy partner."
And then in the next scene, Arnold kills another 300 people. And he divorces
his wife, and decides to go to the Middle East as a one man army. And he wins
a war. The End.
I'm a big fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger films. Sort of. I don't like how they've
become less violent and more family oriented.
My favorite Arnold film is 1985's Commando. There's one scene where Arnold
starts killing people nonstop. He has shoe polish on his face, he walks out into
an open grass field, he stands there without going behind any objects, and he
starts killing everyone. There are 32,548 guys shooting at him. He kills all of
them. And he adds a corny pun after each killing. 32,548 killings, and 32,548
corny puns. And at one point, he kills 1,230 people just by sneezing.
That's what I call an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. As opposed to some
family film like Jingle All the Way, where he tries to get his kid a toy for
Christmas, and he ends up learning how he should work less and spend more
time with his family. When I watched that movie, I thought everything was
leading up to one scene where Arnold would kill everyone. I figured at one
point, he'd put some shoe polish on his face, give his son the Christmas gift,
and then say, "You made go through an entire day of bullshit just to get an
action figure. Now everyone has to die. Everyone. I'm going to start by killing
some terrorists. Then I'll move on to the people who make toy commercials.
And then I'll kill everyone else on the planet."
But that never happened. Instead, he killed a grand total of 0 people. The
ending was very unsatisfying for me. When I saw the closing credits, I thought,
"Wait a second. This can't be it. This can't be the end. What about the part
where Arnold murders Sinbad?"
That was the end of cinema to me. "What happened? We went
from Commando to this?" That was also the day Austria disassociated itself
from Arnold. "Arnold Who? Schwarzenegger? He wasn't born in Austria. Who
said he was?"
Hopefully my Schwarzenegger film will change that. It's not quite up to
the Commando standard, but it does feature Arnold killing over 14,000
people.
I'm really trying to make it in the industry. Maybe i should start
reading Variety Magazine. It covers entertainment news.
Let's take a look at today's news: "De Niro to play Pacino in upcoming Brando
biopic" - "MGM sues Tom for eating Jerry" - "Ebert gives 300 straight thumbs
down" - "Ebert adds middle finger to rating system" - "White guy spotted
watching new Tyler Perry film" - "Tyson and Holyfield to star in new sitcom" "Pitt, Jolie, and Aniston to star in Trapped in an Elevator" - "Straight to
DVD finishes #1 at box office" - "Box Office Blockbuster goes straight to DVD"
- "FOX to televise upcoming Kathie Lee Gifford-Kelly Ripa knife fight" "Philbin bets $500,000 on Gifford" - "A confused Jeremy Piven attempts to
sign James Gandolfini" - "A confused James Gandolfini attempts to whack
mafia head" - "Tom Cruise sues himself for $150 million" - "Tom Cruise
countersues himself for $150 billion." - "Disney scraps plans to make Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory reremake" - "Disney begins production of Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory rereremake"
OK. That was very educational.
Nowadays, there's a serious market for recycled, remarketed, and repackaged
ideas. A book is made into a video game. Then a movie. And then there's a
sequel. And another sequel. And a prequel. And then finally, a presequel.
"Let's rerelease Happy Gilmore and call it a 'presequel.'" Nowadays, about a
quarter of all big budget movies might as well be called something
like Hollywood Clichefest 5: The 3rd Remake Episode -2 1/2 Part 7.5 Part 3.
Most people are familiar with the highest grossing movies of all time. But what
about the lowest grossing movies? I did some research and found them. First
on the list is The Enema (1999). It grossed 4 cents. Next up is The Enema
II (2004). It ended up with 7 cents. And then there's the 80s nonclassics Takin' Out the Trash--Literally (1988) and Wash, Rinse, and
Repeat (1984). They each made 15 cents at the box office.
And let's not forget about all of those The Fast and the Furious sequels
released in 2011: The Fast and the Furious 97: It Made Money the First 96
Times--Why Not Try for 97? - $7.54, The Fast and the Furious 98: We Made
This One Before Part 97 Was Released - $8.12, The Fast and the Furious 99:
This One's More Like Part 1--We're Pretty Sure it's Going to Make Money $8.78, The Fast and the Feast (a.k.a. Yom Kippur) - $11.45, and The Feast
and the Festival (a.k.a. Purim) - $14.89.
Watching movies can lead to some strong emotional reactions. Movies can
make you feel sad, happy, amused, scared, and a lot of other things. And of
course, there's the weird feeling you experience when you enjoy a movie, and
then you find out that everyone else on the planet can't stand it.
It's happened to me a few times. For instance, a while ago, I watched the 1994
movie remake of Car 54, Where Are You?, and I enjoyed it. And then I went
online, and found out that it's considered one of the worst films ever.
7,012,050,073 people hate it, and 4 people like it.
At that point, I had to make a decision: Should I continue to rank it my 123rd
favorite film, or should I stop liking it? Should I stand with the billions who
hate it, or should I stick with the 4 who like it? At the end, I decided to strike a
compromise. I didn't stop liking the movie altogether, but I did drop its
ranking a few spots on my Favorite Movies list. I moved it down to 127--right
between Kickboxer 7 (126) and Casablanca (128).
Sometimes you find yourself in the opposite situation. Instead of liking a
movie other people hate, you hate what others like. That's also a weird feeling.
That happened to me with Casablanca. I didn't like it. But since everyone else
loves it, I had to bump it up to the 128 spot on my favorite movies list.
I guess you could say I'm kind of a conformist. In order to be more like others,
I bumped Car 54, Where Are You? down from 123 to 127, and I
moved Casablanca up from 2,309 to to 128.
But I guess I'm not that much of a conformist. Because I'm unwilling to
put Casablanca ahead of Car 54, Where Are You?. That's where I draw the
line. I'm very adamant about that. In fact, the name of my movie review
website is IPreferCar54WHereAreYouToCasablanca.com.
There are some movies that I don't know where to rank. Like Pulp Fiction.
Here's how I feel about it. If the Royale with Cheese is a metaphor for man's
struggle to overcome the mass production programming of society, then Pulp
Fiction is hands down the greatest movie of all time. But if the Royale with
Cheese is an actual Royale with Cheese, then Pulp Fiction is the stupidest shit
in the history of stupid shit--but since I'm a kind of conformist, I'll still rank it
number 132 on my list of favorite movies.
I'm not sure how I feel about Pulp Fiction--but I'm really looking forward to
the upcoming preseprepresesequel of it: Pulp Fiction Episode I. Which, by the
way, takes place after episodes II and IV, before episodes III, V, and VI, at the
same time as episodes VII, -I, and infinity, and both before and after episodes
0, -II, VIII, and I itself.
Let's go through my top 5 favorite films.
Number five is Kickboxer 15.
Number four is Donnie Darko. Here's my review of it: "Brilliant! So brilliant,
in fact, that I have no idea what it's about."
Number three is Lost in Translation. Here's what I think of it: "Brilliant! So
brilliant, in fact, that I fell asleep forty five minute into it."
Some people think I'm a film snob. They point to things like my review of my
number two favorite film of all time, Citizen Kane: "If you didn't like this
movie, there's something wrong with you. And even if you did like this movie,
that doesn't mean your taste is as good as mine. You're better than than those
assholes who don't like Citizen Kane--but you're still not even remotely close
to being up to my level. Don't think that just because you like Citizen Kane,
you appreciate good cinema the way I do. A lot of people like Citizen Kane. But
very few people are film connoisseurs like me. That's the main message
of Citizen Kane. That's what it's really about. Who the hell are you? I have
great taste in movies. You don't. In fact, if I had my way, you'd never watch
another movie again for the rest of your life, you tasteless, vulgar, narrowminded piece of garbage."
And then of course, there's my review of my all time favorite movie, Le
Grande Moliere: "Have you ever heard of Le Grande Moliere? No? I've seen it
1,722 times. And I've never come across so much as a single person who has
ever seen it. Compared to Le Grande Moliere, even Gone with the Wind is
only pretty good. Most Oscar winning films are shit compared to the carpet
cleaning scene in Le Grande Moliere--and it's just fifteen minutes of a French
guy trying to get rid of a wine stain. And unlike Brokeback
Mountain and Philadelphia, every single person in Le Grande Moliere is gay.
And black. And bipolar. It's just a bunch of black, gay, bipolar French guys
drinking wine, cleaning wine stains, and complaining. And the movie had
absolutely no budget. Zero. In fact, they didn't even have a camera. In fact, I'm
not so sure the movie even exists. I'll bet it doesn't exist. EvenI haven't seen
it."
As a film snob, I find other film snobs' snobiness completely intolerable.
Especially Roger Ebert's. I can't believe he has the nerve to praise movies I
hate and criticize movies I love. What's with that guy? Doesn't he know that
my tastes form the absolute and universal standard of what's good and bad?
I went through a list of some of his horseshit movie ratings, and his average
rating is 1.3 stars away from the correct one--in other words, my rating. 1.3
stars! Someone giving every movie a 2 will be about as accurate as that. Not to
mention the fact that the two stars guy will never be more than two stars off.
Ebert, on the other hand, sometimes gets it completely wrong.
In other words, Ebert's life's work should be replaced with a piece of paper
that says the number 2. Someone please take down his website and replace it
with just a 2.
Not only is the 2 a better movie critic than Ebert, it's not nearly as arrogant. I
can't stand seeing that guy with an expression on his face that says "I'm right."
That son of a bitch!
You think you're right, Ebert? You think you're right? If you're so right, then
how come you don't agree with me?
All movie critics are wrong. And why? Because they don't agree with me 100%
of the time. I went through some of Gene Shalit's ratings, and that asshole also
got most of them wrong.
In fact, no one managed to beat the 2. Not a single critic.
I should have a review site where I review critics.
Being I'm so sophisticated, I should also review some books. Like Dr.
Seuss's The Cat in the Hat. I'm not too fond of it.
For starters, the Cat character was unrealistic, one-dimensional, and a
complete doo-doo head. Plus, the book was way too vague at times. "Thing 1.
Thing 2." And worst of all, there was no explanation as to why the cat was in a
hat. I mean, I'm tempted to think the author just put him in a hat because it
happens to rhyme with cat! "Cat rhymes with hat. How about I write a book
about a cat in a hat?" What's next? A goat in a boat? An ape in a cape? A crab
in a cab? A whale in a pail? The Whale in a Pail! I can just see it now. The long
awaited follow up to The Cat in the Hat, featuring a walking, talking whale
who, for no reason whatsoever, happens to spend time in a pail! Never mind
the fact that whales don't fit in pails, never mind the fact that whales can't talk.
This particular whale defies all the laws of nature for reasons that go entirely
unexplained.
In summary, The Cat in the Hat is Poo-Poo with a capital P. I'd like to know
where this Seuss fella got his degree, because I think they're handing out
diplomas to anyone who shows up at their door.
Doing book reviews is making me feel very sophisticated. I'm going to do a few
more.
Next up is Where's Waldo? by Martin Handford.
The plot was nonexistent, the characters were underdeveloped, the chapters
were repetitive--and I never understood my motive for finding Waldo. I mean,
does Waldo even need to be found? Maybe that's the point of the book. We
immediately start looking for "Waldos" like money, fame, and approval, and
spend our lives chasing them while neglecting the more important things in
life. Our search for Waldo leads to an unfulfilling life.
You know, on second thought, Where's Waldo? is the greatest book of all time.
Where's Waldo? Out of my life, and out of my mind. I can just leave the book
on my coffee table without every having the urge to look for Waldo. If I could,
I'd kill that striped son of a bitch! In fact, I'm going to hunt him down just to
erase every single one of his images from my copy, and make sure I'll never be
distracted by him again.
And moving on to James Joyce's Ulysses. Here's what I have to say about it. If
you're looking for a book that offers instant gratification, look elsewhere. If
you're looking for a book that offers delayed gratification, keep looking. In
fact, if you want any type of gratification whatsoever, I'd suggest burning your
copy of Ulysses after you read the first page. That's what I did. Three minutes
into it, I called it quits and lit the book on fire.
That's why I prefer actual books to ebooks. When you have an ebook on your
computer, Kindle, iPad, or iPhone, you don't really have the option of actually
destroying the book. You can delete it. But it's not the same. There's a special
satisfaction that comes with taking a print copy of Ulysses, reading it for a few
minutes, saying, "This is bullshit," and then burning it. I'm pretty sure that's
the point of Ulysses. You're supposed to burn it. The author never intended for
people to actualy read the thing. If you read it from cover to cover, you didn't
read it the way Joyce intended. You're supposed to burn it. And you can't do
that with the ebook version. I guess if you want to do things right with an
ebook, you can transfer it to a CD-ROM, and then light that on fire.
OK. There we go. Ulysses, Where's Waldo?, and The Cat in the Hat. I covered
those three books.
I also considered reading Benjamin Franklin's autobiography. But what's the
point? "Blah blah blah blah... and I became the hundred dollar bill guy. The
End." I think that pretty much sums it up. Why should I spend hours and
hours reading the entire thing?
OK. So I reviewed three books, and I thought about reading another one. I'm a
very educated man.
Maybe now I should talk about pornography.
I think it's interesting how porn is becoming mainstream.
People used to be offended by porn. Nowadays, they still are. But usually for
the opposite reason. Just imagine your college dorm mate coming across your
Playboy magazine, and confronting you about it. "Playboy? What the hell is
with you, bro? ... Don't you know about the internet? I should light this
Playboy on fire. Get online, and watch some internet porn like a normal
person."
You can get your ass kicked nowadays if you have a Playboy. Don't let a porn
aficionado find you with one. He'll be really offended. Reading Playboy in
front of him is like hiring Wolfgang Puck to make you steak, and then putting
ketchup on it.
Playboy is mainstream. You can sell it anywhere. Not that anyone wants it.
Now that there's internet porn.
We've gotten to a point where a Playboy magazine is nothing. Nowadays, they
have one in every motel room instead of a Gideon Bible. I think motels put in
there as some sort of a gateway drug. They want you to move on from that and
order porn.
Did you know that 93.2% of the hotel industry's profits comes from pay-perview porn? Is it 93.2%? Is has to be. I gave you an exact figure. 93.2% of their
profits comes from the sale of porn. It's not really a hotel industry anymore.
The hotels are just what they use to sell porn. A bunch of people got together
and asked, "How can we sell more pornography?" And someone said, "I know.
Let's build hotels."
The hotel industry is the porn industry. That has totally ruined Monopoly for
me. Whenever someone lands on my Boardwalk hotel, I say, "OK. You owe me
$173 for the hotel, and $1,827 for porn."