1. society
2. sex

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How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past In 12 Steps!
Copyright © 2014 Jeff Billings
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All Rights Reserved
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
PART I
UNDERSTANDING RETROACTIVE JEALOUSY
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preface
intro
step one – thoughts & emotions
step two – evolution
step three – the ego
step four – here comes the fear
PART II
REWIRING YOUR MIND
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step five – put on their shoes
step six – the most natural thing in the world
step seven – everything is because it was
step eight – all we have is now
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PART III
LET’S GET PRACTICAL
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step nine – put out the fire
step ten – it’s not you, its me
step eleven – stop feeding the monster
step twelve – a new day, a new you
thank you
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about the author
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PREFACE
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I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll gladly make an exception.!
– Groucho Marx!
It was two a.m. and I was asleep in bed with my new girlfriend. Let’s call her
“Emma.” Her phone rang, waking us up. She didn’t answer it. A few moments
later it rang again. And she ignored it again. Finally, it vibrated with the arrival of a
text message… !
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She read the text, and I… asked who it was. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was
my first mistake. !
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Turns out that, yep – you’re way ahead of the game – it was a former sex buddy
casually wondering if she was free for more quality “buddy time.” Emma politely
declined the request, of course, but he found it strangely hard to take the hint. !
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A little extra spice was added to all this when, over the coming weeks, a couple
of other former lovers joined him in enquiring as to her “buddy time” availability.
This, it seems, was due to her having only just returned to town after being
absent for six months in France. !
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And so began my descent into retroactive jealousy hell… !
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A nagging unease, coupled with repetitive images of her with these other guys
grew and grew. And the more I thought about it – who she used to have sex with,
and how could I stop thinking about it? – the worse it got. !
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I tried everything, from trawling the internet for information, to talking to Emma
about it, to making her delete these ex-lovers on Facebook *cringe,* to writing
each other love letters, but nothing seemed to work…!
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So, chances are that if you’ve purchased this book, you’re going through a
similar form of mind-bending, unfathomable pain caused by obsessively thinking
about useless crap that happened in your partner’s past that I went through. !
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Maybe you’ve asked for help with your unwanted thoughts and been told: !
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“Just move on. Get over it.” !
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“He loves you now, not her.”!
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“Her past has made her who she is.” !
As well-intentioned as these nuggets of wisdom are, they are of little use to the
sufferer of retroactive jealousy. Intellectually you know you they’re right – you
should just “get over it” – but how?! !
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Well, don’t worry, this book will show you how. !
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In all the time I was plagued by retroactive jealousy and searching for the
answer, something was working… My mind was taking on board a substantial
amount of information as I searched, often by looking deep within myself and,
behind the scenes, almost without me realizing, I was getting closer to the
answer.!
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Over time I began to realize that certain positive thoughts and concepts seriously
helped to quell jealous feelings more than others, and this is where the genesis
of this book lies. !
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I ended up focusing on several key concepts that really helped me to see my
situation in a much clearer light. Within a couple of weeks these concepts –
coupled with the daily practical exercises in steps nine to twelve – had eliminated
my jealous thoughts. !
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Some time afterwards, I decided to write this book to help fellow sufferers of this
debilitating and confusing condition regain control of their mind, and their life. !
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Although I can say with confidence that my retroactive jealousy has now
disappeared, let me stress that I have absolutely no qualifications or special skills
to back up this book other than my direct experience. !
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I am not a psychologist or a doctor. I’m just a regular guy who has successfully
squashed unwanted thoughts after a long and protracted struggle; and ultimately
by myself. !
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I wrote this book for you, because I want you to be able to rid yourself of these
pointless, negative thoughts much quicker than I did, and finally be able to stop
spending emotional energy on things that really don’t matter. !
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INTRO
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What I used to be will pass away, and then you’ll see that all I want now is happiness for you and me. !
– Elliott Smith!
It may take a day, a week, or a month, but you are close to looking back on your
time as a sufferer of retroactive jealousy and wondering what the heck you were
thinking. !
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After reading this book and implementing the exercises contained in the bonus
resources, you will be able to…!
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Listen to your partner talk about their past without wanting to cause physical
damage of any kind to their ex-lovers.!
Look at a photograph of your partner with a former lover without wanting to
throw up. !
Be faced with the reality of your partner having had sex and / or loved
someone else and not have an emotional reaction to this fact. !
Not spend another moment thinking about their past. Period. !
Much like how someone who is totally uninterested in football might sit
emotionless at a game while the crowd goes crazy around them, that’s the kind
of state you should be in when faced with the reality of your partner’s romantic
and sexual history. Total. Indifference. Like, “What was their name again? I
forget.”!
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So, how do we get there? !
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We get there in three parts… !
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Part I: Understanding Retroactive Jealousy !
I believe it’s essential to understand fully what you’re up against before you can
tackle it, and the first four steps in the book address this head on. !
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A major part of the problem with retroactive jealousy is confusion over what
exactly it is you are tackling. Are these negative emotions and thoughts a product
of anger? Fear? Not feeling special to your partner? Being judgmental about
sex? Or all of the above? !
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The mind feeds off the puzzle, and the confusing nature of what exactly it is that
you’re feeling makes it that much harder to combat. It’s like trying to play pool
while drunk, wearing a blindfold and holding the cue round the wrong way. !
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After reading these steps, however, you’ll know exactly what it is you’re feeling
and be better equipped to fight it. !
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Part II: Rewiring Your Mind
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Once you know why you’re feeling the way you do, the following four steps build
a strong, peaceful foundation in your mind from which you can actually stop
feeling the way you do. !
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Achieving this solid foundation requires a process of “rewiring” the mind from
being stuck in a negative mode of thinking regarding your partner’s past, to a
positive. !
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This section focuses on ridding the mind of the negative, limiting beliefs it has
about your partner’s past and yourself, and replacing them with four key new
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beliefs which will change how you think about yourself, sex, the past and the
present. !
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When these four new concepts have been ingrained in the mind you will have the
solid foundation necessary to tackle the practical exercises outlined in the final
section. !
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Part III: Let’s Get Practical
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Changing the way you think about certain concepts is an essential step on the
road to overcoming the affliction, but the mind will attempt to resist this at all
costs, unless it is backed up by action. !
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And that’s where this final section comes in, as it’s only through action rather
than mere thoughts that we can truly “rewire” the mind to do what we want it to
do. So, in Part III, I detail four insanely helpful, practical exercises you can do
every day in order to kill your retroactive jealousy for good. !
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This is really where the real meat of this book lies as after doing these exercises
every day for a week or two you will find your retroactive jealousy has greatly
diminished to the point of (hopefully total) non-existence. !
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A short note: this book is written from the perspective of a heterosexual male, but
the scourge of retroactive jealousy can strike at any gender or sexuality. Whether
you are gay, straight, black, white, male, female, vegetable or mineral, this book
will ease your suffering and banish it for good.!
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So, let’s get to it… !
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PART I
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UNDERSTANDING RETROACTIVE
JEALOUSY
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step one
THOUGHTS & EMOTIONS
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Emotions
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Named must your fear be, before banish it you can. !
– Yoda!
Our minds can certainly work in mysterious ways. Consider the following: !
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Retroactive jealousy causes us to have an emotional reaction to a past event in
our partner’s life, at which we were not even present and before we even knew
them. !
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Negative emotions about your partner’s past are the ground zero of retroactive
jealousy. If you reflected on their sexual past positively, you would not have
negative emotions and consequently wouldn’t suffer from repetitive thoughts. !
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Sean Webb, founder of the website “I Am Spirituality”, has developed an easily
understood equation which explains how emotions work within each and every
one of us. !
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It goes like this: !
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(EP – RP = ER)!
Expectation or Preference – Reality as Perceived = Emotional Response!
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Okay, so what does this mean? !
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In a nutshell, our Expectation or Preference is how we would like, or expect,
something we’re emotionally attached to, to be or turn out. Our Reality as
Perceived is then how something actually is, or what actually happens. And
finally, our Emotional Response is conditioned by this Reality as Perceived. !
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In other words, if our Reality as Perceived meets our Expectation or Preference,
we experience a positive emotion. If it falls below our Expectation or Preference,
we experience a negative emotion. !
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Sean Webb tackles many emotions on his site, but doesn’t really go into jealousy
of any kind, and so here’s a brief analysis of how your emotions are working
when applied to retroactive jealousy. !
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Your Emotional Preference is that, for example, your girlfriend has only slept with
three guys, never had a one night stand, threesome or sex buddy and only
enjoyed sex within a secure monogamous relationship. !
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The Reality as Perceived is when you then find out she has actually had what
you consider to be “a promiscuous past” and she’s actually had threesomes,
foursomes, sex buddies and so on. Therefore, you experience a negative
Emotional Response. !
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But, in order for you to have an Emotional Response of any kind you must have
an emotional attachment to the thing you’re reacting to. !
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In the case of retroactive jealousy, the reason why you have such a strong
emotional reaction, is because you have formed a strong emotional attachment
to your partner. The more you care for someone, the more susceptible you are to
being attacked by retroactive jealousy.!
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One of my exes, who was twenty at the time, had slept with thirty guys, including
four in one weekend, and yet I didn’t care. Why? Because I didn’t care enough
about her. Okay, so I didn’t like the fact she’d done all that stuff particularly, but it
wasn’t something I obsessed over. I just forgot about it. !
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Emma’s past sex life, on the other hand, is less colorful than this particular ex’s,
and yet I became consumed by these destructive thoughts because my
emotional attachment to her is that much greater. !
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Thoughts
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It is these negative emotions that are causing you to suffer from thoughts and
images of your partner being with their past lovers. !
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Thoughts surrounding your partner’s past are characterized by their repetitive
nature. Your mind flings up “mini movies” or “photos” of them being together over
and over and over again, of which you seemingly have little control. !
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Trying to stop thinking about this only makes you think about it even more, as
your mind descends into a “don’t think about a pink elephant” type war with itself.
And then of course all you can think about are pink elephants. !
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The thoughts are then subsequently given even more power, making the
emotions even more negative toward your partner’s past (and yourself). !
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As influential author and speaker Eckhart Tolle observes, your thoughts seem to
be controlling you rather than the other way around. You may have heard of this
type of thinking pattern being referred to as a form of OCD, or Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder.!
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The funny thing is, these thoughts are almost certainly not even accurate.
They’re just manifestations within an insecure mind that knows nothing of what
really happened, but wants to assume the worst. !
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How do you know that they had such a great time in Paris? How do you know
what the sex was like on that one night stand? Were you hiding in the closet
watching? !
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Your mind wants to paint a picture of an insanely hot session involving your
partner and their ex, or on an idyllic holiday of a lifetime with them, but the reality
was maybe very different. It’s just your mind playing tricks on you, but more on
this later. !
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First, we need ask why we suffer from these negative thoughts? And what
exactly is the overriding negative emotion we’re feeling? !
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In order to answer these questions, I first want to take you on a little trip back in
time… !
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