4 MISTAKES COUPLES MAKE WHEN
OPENING UP
(AND HOW TO AVOID THEM)
2ND EDITION
BY Marcia Baczynski
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applicable international, federal, state and local laws, and all rights are reserved.
Please do not distribute this eBook in any way. Please do not sell it, or reprint any
part of it without written consent from the author, except for the inclusion of
brief quotations in a review. Always include a link to
www.successfulnonmonogamy.com.
Please note that much of this publication is based on personal experience and
anecdotal evidence. Although the author has made every reasonable attempt to
achieve complete accuracy of the content in this Guide, she assumes no
responsibility for errors or omissions. Also, you should use this information as
you see fit, and at your own risk. Your particular situation may not be exactly
suited to the examples illustrated here; in fact, it’s likely that they won’t be the
same, and you should adjust your use of the information and recommendations
accordingly. Finally, use your own wisdom as guidance. Nothing in this Guide is
intended to replace common sense, legal, medical or other professional advice,
and is meant to inform and entertain the reader.
Copyright © 2013 Marcia Baczynski and Asking For What You Want, Inc. All
rights reserved worldwide.
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Table Of Contents
Introduction ....................................................4
About Marcia Baczynski ...................................8
Mistake #1: Not Knowing Where You’re Going ......11
Mistake #2: Moving Too Fast (Or Too Slow) ........18
Mistake #3: Trying to Avoid Jealousy ................26
Mistake #4: Trying To Be “The Perfect Poly
Person”.........................................................32
Where To Go From Here ................................37
Introduction
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen this happen: A couple decides they’re
going to “open up.” One or both of them then goes and sleeps with someone else.
Hurt feelings ensue. The couple starts fighting. Trust is broken. One of them says,
“I can’t believe you did that!” The other says “But we said we were open!” Anger,
heartbreak, and betrayal flood out.
And then everyone decides that “open relationships never work.”
The thing is, open relationships are relationships. And relating is something that
happens in real time. It’s a process, a co-exploration, a way of being with each
other as stuff comes up. Making a decision like “being open” as though it were a
one-time switch to be flipped makes no sense.
What does that process look like? Conversations. Check-ins. Trying things and
seeing how it goes. Being willing to back-track. Reassurance. More conversations.
Sounds like a lot of work, right? It is. (There’s a reason some people call
polyamory “the grad school of relationships.”)
The good news? This process, done with patience, mutual support and love, often
leads to incredible intimacy, and ultimately, can lead to open relationships that
do work.
Everyone’s story is unique, and each couple’s definition of “success” is different.
One couple I worked with had been together since their late teens. They were
madly in love, had 2 kids, established careers and 17 years of marriage under
their belts. They had absolutely no intention of leaving one another, but both felt
there were sexual experiences they had missed out on in their 20s that their peers
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had had. They didn’t want to create partnerships with anyone else, but they also
didn’t want to just have anonymous sex with people off the internet. Through our
work together, we found places for each partner to explore their sexuality in ways
that felt safe emotionally and physically.
Another couple came to me because they had hit an unexpected snag. The female
partner had wanted to open up to explore her bisexuality and was interested in
forming a long-term relationship with a woman, without taking anything away
from her husband. He was supportive of this idea, and they decided they would
both try dating to see what it was like. Neither of them was prepared when she
was blindsided with mind-numbing jealousy when he was out with another
woman.
It turned out that they had different motivations for cultivating other
relationships. She wanted a partner who could be a potential addition to their
family, whereas he wanted a sexy friend who was outside of the family unit. In his
desire for autonomy and “extra,” she perceived her husband as wanting her out of
the way. But in his view, he wanted to keep what he had with his wife as central
and special. Once they both understood their different motivations, they were
able to make decisions about who and how to pursue other interests in a way that
had them both feel loved and cared for.
A third couple came to me when they had just moved to a new city. These two
women, one lesbian and one bisexual, had been together for three years. They
had dabbled in the play party scene in their previous town, but the scene there
was very small and they both felt vulnerable to judgment and drama there.
Despite being supportive of each other, neither woman felt comfortable doing
much outside of their relationship. Now that they were in a bigger city, they
wanted help in finding a women-oriented scene where the bisexual partner
wouldn’t be criticized if she also dated or hooked up with men. Through our work
together, we were able to work through their different fears of judgment and they
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found a community of poly-friendly, sex-positive friends who were supportive of
both women’s sexual expressions and relationship.
What Makes for Success
I’ve worked with hundreds of individuals and couples like this. Each story is
unique, but there are three things that contribute to couples feeling like opening
up is a good and successful part of their relationship.
•
Both partners have the same understanding of their own
relationship. When you talk to one partner, they will say the same things
about the relationship as the other partner does. When one partner thinks
things are on the marriage track, and the other thinks they are dating
casually, opening up is only going to accelerate the problems that already
exist. On the other hand, even if the relationship is more casual or the
partners are ambivalent about staying together as a romantic pairing, if
both partners are clear about that, opening up can work well. It appears to
matter less “what page you’re on” than “that you’re on the same page.”
•
They are doing this as a team. Even if one person is more “into it”
than the other, no one is pressuring the other to go along with it. Couples
who open up as a team are listening to one another and paying attention to
what works for both of them. They are looking for win/win solutions to
challenges. They listen to each other’s fears and concerns. They are
committed to finding ways to put both of their needs and desires on the
table, collaboratively. These couples are not just looking for consent. They
are looking for willingness to engage in what can be an edgy or frightening
thing… together.
•
They treat one another with kindness and respect. This is perhaps
the most important requirement for success in any relationship, open or
not. Even when one partner says something that is difficult for the other
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partner to hear, they listen with compassion and are gentle with each
other’s vulnerabilities.
You might notice that these three things are helpful, and perhaps necessary, for
romantic relationships of any kind. And that’s true. Successful open
relationships, in many ways, are no different than any other kind of happy and
successful relationship.
Even with all those wonderful things in place, however, the most loving, happy
couple might still fall to one of the four mistakes in this e-Book. Briefly, they are:
•
Not knowing where you’re going
•
Moving too fast (or too slow)
•
Trying to avoid jealousy
•
Trying to be the “Perfect Poly Person”
In this book, I’ll explain more about each of these mistakes and how they show
up, plus give you some practical things you can do right now to avoid each of
them.
It’s my hope that with these tools, you can avoid these common pitfalls and
instead find yourself falling more deeply in love with each other as you create the
kind of relationship most people only dream of.
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About Marcia Baczynski
Hi, I’m Marcia. I’m an open relationship coach. Not only that, I’ve been
polyamorous for over 14 years, when my college boyfriend and I decided that we
neither wanted to break up, nor get married right away, and we both wanted to
see other people.
Along the way, I made mistakes. Lots of them.
I didn’t know what I was trying to ask for. I didn’t know how to listen to my
partners as they communicated what they wanted. I thought we were on the same
page when one of us used a word like “open” or “love” or “safer sex.” At times, I
tried to move things along too quickly. Other times, I ignored the voice in my
head and the feeling in my gut that said “something’s not right here.”
None of these mistakes were comfortable or easy. Sometimes, I’ve doubted
whether this whole adventure was worth it. A little voice would creep into my
head and say, “Maybe you should just find a nice man or woman and settle
down,” but 14 years later, I’ve come to the conclusion that it has been completely
worth it. I’ve also realized that with our regular family dinners, our worries about
paying the bills and retirement funds and aging parents, our babysitting our
lovers’ kids, and our businesses and going to work, my partners and I are as
settled as anyone in their mid-to-late 30s can be.
It’s been my delight to work with hundreds of individuals and couples over the
past 9 years as they’ve found their way to creating ways of relating that are right
for them. I’ve been lucky enough to teach rooms of hundreds of people across the
United States, and to appear on television, radio, newspaper and magazines
around the world talking about open relationships, consent, healthy
communication and sexuality.
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I can only speak for myself, but the rewards of being vulnerable to love are
tremendous. The awareness I’ve cultivated in learning how to balance my needs
and desires with my partners’ has allowed me to grow in ways that I can’t imagine
had my college boyfriend and I stayed monogamous. Some of this would have
certainly come from maturity in any case, but there are things I’ve learned about
myself that could have only come from the juxtaposition of how I related to two
or more partners simultaneously.
I have learned how to stand up for my boundaries, and to respect others’
boundaries, not just in my word, but with the deepest, most caring intention as I
can muster. I have learned how to be self-expressed sexually and to learn what
risks just look scary and what risks actually are dangerous. Often, that lesson has
surprised me. I have learned how to find enjoyment in awkward “I really like you”
conversations and to allow connections to be nurtured at the level that makes
sense for everyone involved, not just myself and my own desires. I’ve gotten to
enjoy fun flirtations that never moved beyond that and passionate affairs that
have changed my entire perception of what I thought was possible in love and
sex. And I’ve gotten to do all of this while nurturing years of long-term
relationships with partners I truly care about.
For me, it’s not about being polyamorous vs. being monogamous. At any given
time, the form of my own relationships may be more open or closed. It’s more
about engaging in relationships in a way that allows for more authenticity and
vulnerability, and thus, intimacy. It’s about allowing another person to really get
to know me, and getting to know another person in all the sweetness and
innocence that comes with being excited about them. It’s about choosing
experiences that are healthy and nurturing for me and for the people I care about,
learning to play well with others, and confronting the cultural taboos that tell me
that this is all somehow “wrong” and “bad.”
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Along the way, I’ve gained tremendous skill in balancing freedom and safety,
adventure with cocooning, newness with familiarity, self with others, shame with
vulnerability. And more than anything, it’s about remembering to be grateful for
the people who are in my life, regardless of how our relationship shows up or
changes form over the years.
While I (and a lot of other people) made a lot of mistakes along the way, that
doesn’t mean you have to. In this guide, you’ll find out what the most common
mistakes are, and how to avoid them. So with no further ado…
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Mistake #1: Not Knowing Where You’re Going
Many times, one or both halves of a couple will decide they want to be in an open
relationship or to try out non-monogamy. The problem is, what “open
relationship” or “non-monogamy” means to one person may bear little or no
resemblance to what it means to the next. For example, for one person “open
relationship” means deep intimate love and occasional making out with someone
else. For another it can mean having casual sex and threesomes. If you don’t
know where you’re going, or you’re going in different directions, it’s going to be
very difficult to get there. Figuring out where you’re going also requires that you
know where you are now. (Ever try to use a GPS with no starting point? Not so
useful!)
So how do you figure out where you’re starting from and where you’re going?
Communication is key.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I hear you say. “Every
guide to successful relationships will say
that communication is crucial to your
relationship success.”
That’s true. The problem is, they never say what to communicate about. And if
you’re not talking about the things that actually make a difference, you might as
well be talking to yourself.
Jennifer and Jason are a couple who have been together for 4 years. They came to
me with this exact challenge. Jason was committed to Jennifer, yet felt that the
traditional model of monogamy as the marker for loyalty, commitment and
fidelity didn’t match his experience. He wanted to be able to flirt and sometimes
hook up with other people. Jennifer was somewhat open to this idea, but worried
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that Jason wasn’t really committed to her and was just using non-monogamy as a
way to avoid commitment. Before encouraging them to try dating anyone else, I
spent a few months with them helping them sort out how they felt about their
own relationship.
Here are three kinds of conversations to have to get clarity about where you are
and where you’re going.
Conversation #1 - Get real about where the two of you are
really at.
For some couples, this conversation will be the deal breaker for the relationship,
whether or not you ever actually open up the relationship. In fact, many of the
relationships that end supposedly “because of poly” actually would have ended
anyway, because the partners were not on the same page. “Being poly” only
accelerated the process because any cracks that exist in your foundation will only
become more pronounced as you add additional people to the mix.
For other couples, this conversation will only deepen and enrich the relationship
you already have. It won’t always be smooth going, but knowing what you each
want to maintain and develop in your relationship as you move forward (open or
not) will give you solid ground to stand on when things feel shaky.
Here are some questions to explore together:
What does the word “commitment” mean to each of
us? How committed to each other are we? Do we have the
same level of commitment? Are we in this for the long-haul?
Are we in the “pre-commitment” stage where we know we enjoy each other but
haven’t made a long-term commitment? Or are we somewhere in the middle? Or
something else completely?
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(Note: it’s less important to be fully committed to each other than it is to be on
the same page as each other. Be honest about what you really want here.)
What else is going on in your life? Do you have space and time to devote to
exploring other relationships or sex interests? How much time and energy are
you willing to put into this exploration? How will you handle it if your partner has
a different level of resources, energy, attention, etc than
you do?
Do you have the self-knowledge and
communication skills to keep your existing
relationships (romantic, friendship and
otherwise) healthy and thriving? Are your
friendships and family relationships more or less healthy?
Can you anticipate some of the challenges that might
emerge ahead of time? Where do you see room for yourself
to grow?
Do you know what makes your partner feel happy, secure and loved?
Are you willing to put extra attention on nurturing your existing relationship
even as you find other people to be excited about? Where do you want to be sure
to put that extra attention?
Do you know what makes you feel happy, secure and loved? Are you
willing to put extra effort into self-care and self-discovery? What opportunities do
you see for yourself here?
Even a little bit of time spent on self-examination here will help down the road
when challenges come up. By shoring up your foundation, and making sure
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you’re on the same page about the two of you, you’ll have a smoother time as you
move forward. Plus, a solid relationship is its own reward!
Conversation #2 - Share what interests you about opening
up.
Even if you have a similar picture of what you want your non-monogamy to look
like, your motivations might be different. Talking about what intrigues or
interests you will help you both see where the other person’s “yes” is. Differently
motivated open relationships can work, but it helps when both partners are
aware of how they are similar or different to each other.
This can also help troubleshoot disempowered motivations (fear of loss, pressure,
etc) from more empowering motivations (part of personal growth, self-expression
etc.) When one or more partners are motivated by disempowerment, long-term
success of opening up is unlikely.
Here are some reasons people are interested in opening up. Do any of these apply
to you? What else would you add? How do these reasons feel to you?
•
Freedom to explore
•
Partner wants it
•
Fantasy fulfillment
•
Sexual variety
•
Emotional variety
•
Emotional fulfillment
•
Unhappy with existing relationship
•
Monogamy didn't work
•
Part of spiritual path
•
Part of personal growth
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•
Curiosity
•
One or both of us cheated
•
Part of my political philosophy
•
Differing levels of libido
•
Find myself attracted to more than one person
•
Part of general philosophy of openness
•
Wanted to explore/express BDSM desires
•
Wanted to explore/express bisexual desires
•
Different sexual needs/orientations in the relationship
•
My community was/is poly or open
Conversation #3 - Get clear about what you are really
saying.
Love, sex, commitment, loyalty, trust, openness, support, dating, devotion. We all
use terms like these as we attempt to communicate what we want and need in our
relationships. Yet for all our efforts to share what we mean, we often fail
miserably to communicate what’s really going on for us.
As you talk about what you want, don’t be
afraid to slow down and define your terms.
Ask for clarification. See if your partner can
say more about that thing they just said.
Unpack what “love” or “showing up” means
to you. And be patient. Most people have
never thought about this before, so it might
be slow going at first.
I once had an encounter with this kind of clarity (or lack of it) that almost singlehandedly destroyed two relationships in one fell swoop. I had just started seeing a
good friend of my partner’s, and just before one of our first overnight dates, my
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date (we’ll call him David), made an offhand comment about looking forward to
sleeping with me. Now, my partner and I had clearly made a no-sex agreement
for this particular date, which David was well aware of. I watched in horror and
confusion as my sweetie’s face crumpled with a sense of betrayal as he took in
David’s comment.
It was a tense and uncomfortable 10 minutes as we sorted out that David had
indeed only meant cuddling and literally falling asleep with me. He apologized
profusely for the sloppy usage of words, as my sweetie recovered from feeling like
his friend was ignoring his boundaries. For my part, I recognized that this muchanticipated date might have just been a wash and prepared myself for the
possibility of having to cancel it. Fortunately, the three of us were able to rally,
and the date went forward as planned. To this day, David feels bad about his
choice of words that night.
Don’t let this happen to you! Here are some words that commonly mean different
things to different people. I recommend that you not assume you know what
another person means when they say these:
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This is, of course, only a partial list, but it’s a useful starting point. From here,
you can begin discussing what your non-monogamy might look like. There are all
sorts of ways relationships can go, including sexual play, flirting, cuddling,
dating, fuck buddies, intimate networks, triads, threesomes and much more, all
of which I talk about in my course “Successful Non-Monogamy for Couples.”
Actions
Make a series of dates to talk about some of these questions. Set it up to be
particularly pleasant – After all, you want to create positive associations for these
conversations, not make them feel like work. Go for a drive to the beach or lake,
have a picnic, split a bottle of wine while cuddled up in front of the fire, anything
that makes it feel special. Set a timer for 30 to 60 minutes for the conversation,
DO treat it as a co-exploration. DON’T try to get to the answer as quickly as
possible while trampling over each other’s feelings. DON’T make every date be a
conversation about opening up, even if you’re both enthusiastic. It’s important to
remember to connect on the other things the two of you love about each other.
Enjoy the opportunity to get to know each other more deeply along the way.
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Mistake #2: Moving Too Fast (Or Too Slow)
I see it all the time. One half of a couple (we’ll call them Partner A) has an idea
that they want an open relationship. When Partner A tells their sweetie (Partner
B) their great idea, Partner B puts the brakes on. 1
Sometimes Partner B is just not into the idea at all. Or, maybe Partner B is
intrigued, but A’s puppy-dog enthusiasm to make it happen leaves B feeling cold.
Sometimes B can get behind one form of open relationship (for example, play
parties with friends) while A is looking for a different kind of open (say, having an
additional significant other.) Whatever the reason for the difference, the effect is
that one partner is flying ahead while the other is more reticent, and both feel
spectacularly unsupported and unseen.
If it continues, resentment can build.
Often, the real issue is that the couple isn’t on
the same page about where they are or where
they’re going (Mistake #1). But sometimes,
even if both partners are on board, there can
still be a push/pull where one partner wants
things to START HAPPENING! And the other wants them to SLOW DOWN!
To make things more confusing, within the same relationship, some lights might
be green, while others are red or yellow at the same time.
1
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not always the man who wants to open up. For
one thing, there are plenty of non-monogamous female/female couples. For
another, among the opposite sex couples I work with, it’s about 60% men/40%
women as far as who is leading the charge toward open relationships.
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What’s going on here?
First of all, “fast” or “slow” is all a matter of perspective. To a person on a bike, 60
miles per hour is quite speedy. To an airline pilot, it’s very, very slow. For
someone in a car, it’s just right.
What’s often going on is that one person has an eye on the upside (Freedom!
Experiences! Sexiness!) and the other person has an eye on the downside (Loss!
Sadness! Abandonment!).
Here’s an analogy: Let’s say you just bought a new car. Someone who is excited to
go for a drive in it will want to move quickly, run through yellow lights, and get
on the open road as quickly as possible.
On the other hand, a person who is concerned about accidents in their new car
will move more cautiously, slow down for yellow lights, and occasionally resist
getting on the road at all. The real issue isn’t how fast you’re moving or how
much you value the car. It’s how you each relate to what’s happening.
When Joyce and Olin came to me, they were struggling with this exact challenge.
They had both read several books on non-monogamy and had talked about it
extensively. A natural extrovert, Joyce was excited about meeting new people and
having sexy, fun adventures. Olin, on the other hand, was a bit more reserved and
cautious in his approach. I showed them this chart.
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Joyce, I explained, is in green territory. She already feels safe and so is ready to
go, wants to try stuff and see what happens. Olin on the other hand, is in the
yellow zone. Olin is curious about polyamory, but first he needs to feel safe,
connected and trusting that the existing relationship isn’t going to get damaged
or ruined.
What Joyce didn’t see is that as the initiator and enthusiast, she is resting on a
foundation of feeling safe in her relationship in her relationship with Olin.
Whereas the “slower” partner often can intuit that if they go down this road,
things will change (Blue Zone), and that might have them feel anxious or
worried.
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Sometimes there is past pain that needs to be worked through, either from the
current relationship or previous relationships. Sometimes, there is a present-time
consideration that needs to be worked through. For example, hooking up with
your partner’s best friend can make things awkward between them and create
distance. Sex with someone who’s not on point with safer sex can risk physical
health. Both of these are distinct from the natural anxiety and vulnerability that
comes from stepping into new unknown territory.
In Olin’s case, he had been cheated on by a former longterm girlfriend. The massive betrayal of trust left him
feeling worried in his subsequent relationships. He had
worked through much of his fear with a therapist, and he
was definitely intrigued by what opening up would be like
for him and Joyce, but he still wanted to take it slow,
much like our cautious driver in the example above.
I told them that thinking of it in terms of fast and slow were not helpful. After all,
they were doing something that many people thought was crazy anyway.
Instead, I encouraged them to take a step back from all of it for a minute.
When you’re falling into the “too fast / too slow” trap, the answer is NOT for
Partner A to tell B “Oh, it’ll be fine.” A doesn’t know that. No one does. B is
correctly intuiting that exploring this relationship path includes experimentation,
risk and vulnerability. Risk means it might not work out okay. Belittling that
concern won’t make it go away, and it often backfires, because B really needs
their concern to be heard by A.
On the other hand, the answer is also NOT to just not do anything. Life is
inherently risky. Whether you open up or not, things will change and intimacy
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will be affected. The real solution is to take action – but intentional action – in a
totally different direction.
How do you do that? Here are three ideas:
Intentional Monogamy
Some couples I’ve worked with have chosen to be 100% monogamous for a period
of time, varying from 3 months up to one year. The purpose of this intentional
monogamy was two-fold: 1) to shore up their personal and interpersonal
foundations and 2) to make tons of space to talk about what they’re into without
any concern about doing any of it right away. This tends to work best for
committed couples who know they want to be with each other, and are exploring
the best kind of non-monogamy for them.
Baby Steps
Far too often, people assume that opening up means
hopping into bed with the first hottie they (or their
partner) sees. And while this works fine for those who
are on the same page and both want mostly sex-only
experiences with other people, for those who are less
clear about what they want, baby steps can be a saving
grace.
Remember making out? Cuddling? Flirting with abandon? Have you ever passed
an afternoon with your sweetheart at the park pointing out people you find
attractive and sharing why (without, of course, comparing)?
There’s a lot to be said for 1950s-style dating, particularly when you’re already
“goin’ all the way” with someone else. Taking it slow, courting, seeing how it
goes… these are baby-steps worth trying.
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Take the scariest stuff off the table. Maybe, for you, that’s sex with another
person, or going on late night dates, or talking about anything you haven’t yet
shared with your main squeeze.
Now add back in stuff that seems fine to you. It
might be totally innocuous. It might be stuff your
average mainstream folks would raise their
eyebrows at. What other people think isn’t the
point here. Maybe that’s going to the movies with
someone else and holding hands, or going to a
sex party together but not playing with anyone else. It doesn’t matter what it is;
just find the things that you’re a clear yes to.
Then find one – only one – thing that seems edgy to you – only a little bit edgy –
and include that. Then see what that’s like to do.
That’s how you baby-step it.
Focus On the Fun of It
Joyce and Olin were really struggling when they came to me. I acknowledged,
after much tearful sharing from both of them, that they seemed to be having a
really hard time figuring this out. Yes, they both
nodded.
“What if you had a really pleasurable time
figuring this out?” I said.
They looked confused. I let them sit with that for
a minute. Suddenly Olin laughed. “You mean, do
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the parts that are fun and focus on how great it is, and let the rest sort itself out?”
Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. So that’s what they did.
Two years later, they are still together, fully in love, and are hanging out fully in
the blue zone. Olin still occasionally gets anxious about things that Joyce wants to
do, but when they remember to take baby steps and focus on the fun, Olin says
those clouds of doubt tend to pass more quickly. Moreover, he’s exactly where he
wants to be, and Joyce is thrilled that she has had a chance to have so many of the
experiences she’s wanted to have.
Notes
It may be the case that as you go through this exploration, one of you decides that
it’s for you, and the other decides it’s not. (That’s an issue beyond the scope of
this report, but is something I talk about in-depth in
“Successful Non-Monogamy for Couples.”)
Keep in mind that you are engaged in this as a process
and the point is to enjoy each other as you explore
what’s there for you. Trying to rush from point A to
point B will only hurt your partner, as will refusing to
engage. Remember that you’re a team, and
intentionality, baby-steps and fun are there to serve you both.
Actions
Journal or talk about these questions:
•
Imagine taking sex or intercourse off the table. How would that
shape your pursuit of open relationships? For some, sexual exploration is
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the whole point of opening up. If that’s you, can you imagine other forms
of sexual exploration you could engage in that would be enjoyable to you?
•
What are you an easy yes to? That is, what types of courtship, sex,
romance or relationship stuff do you find it easy to imagine your partner
doing? This could be as simple as going to the movies, holding hands,
exchanging text messages or having a conversation with other friends
present.
•
How could you have more fun in your exploration of open
relationships? What aspects do you find pleasurable? What do you
appreciate about how your partner is approaching this conversation?
Where can you add more fun and pleasure to the process?
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Mistake #3: Trying to Avoid Jealousy
Our culture tells us that jealousy is one of the worst
things that can happen in a relationship. It can tear
people apart, or be used as justification for truly
horrendous behavior.
But the green-eyed monster gets a bad rap. What
you didn’t learn is that jealousy is one of the best
ways to find out what you really need.
Now, don’t get me wrong, pursuing jealousy is a terrible idea. Attempting to
induce jealousy is not going to create a stable, happy, long-lasting relationship,
and it’s just plain douchey. Treat your partners well. Better than well. Exquisitely.
Like gold.
That being said, trying to avoid jealousy means you miss out on all the useful
things that jealousy is trying to tell you. You see, jealousy is not actually an
emotion by itself. It’s actually the socially acceptable way to feel yucky stuff. And
that yucky stuff is trying to tell you something.
Jealousy can be made up of any number of emotions, including sadness, grief,
anger, envy, and especially, fear (of being left out, of being abandoned, of not
being “good enough,” etc.)
So what do you do about jealousy? There are three directions (at least) you can go
with it: Go deeper. Stay where you are. Or go out of it. Let me me explain.
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Jealousy Strategy #1: Go Deeper Into It.
One approach to jealousy is about allowing yourself to feel it, which might sound
like a crazy-pants idea, but give me a second to explain.
When and if jealousy shows up, the trick here is to experience it, but slow it down
and go deeper. If you or your partner is experiencing jealousy, this strategy is the
exact opposite of pushing to “get over it.” This can be profoundly healing for
some people, because they’ve never had a chance to have their jealousy be okay
before.
Take a time out, and then play detective to see what’s really going on for you.
Here’s how:
1) Take a Time-Out
Taking a time out is perfectly acceptable, particularly if
the jealousy or negative feeling shows up very
suddenly, like it was suddenly triggered. Sometimes the
only way to get into what’s really there for you is to
stop what you’re doing.
It’s helpful to negotiate a time-out plan in advance and to have a safeword
to signal that everything needs to stop and you need to go to your separate
corners. (A safeword is an easy-to-remember word that is unlikely to come up in
conversation on its own and is a code that means “Everything Stops Now.” My
favorite safeword is “rutabaga.”)
If a trigger comes up, first, wrench yourself away from the
conversation, using your safeword (or honoring your partner’s
safeword.) Continuing to engage is only going to make you
more anxious, angry, and frustrated. Go to your separate, prenegotiated corners. This is often the hardest part of doing a
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time-out so if you make it this far, good work!
Next, breathe. Yes, this sounds like a hippie thing to do, but when humans get
frightened or angry, our breathing becomes shallow, and our lungs have more
carbon dioxide in them, which means less oxygen is available to the brain to think
clearly. Take 3 to 5 deep belly breaths before attempting to do anything else.
Oxygen is your friend. Simply breathing more deeply will start to take the edge
off.
Then, take 15-20 minutes to soothe yourself, by doing activities that occupy
your mind. The goal here is to avoid re-stimulating your fight-or flight response,
and simply to calm yourself down in order to re-engage in a more productive way.
Here are some activities that are particularly helpful for soothing during a timeout:
•
Read a novel or magazine
•
Watch a half-hour sitcom (usually clocks in at 23 minutes)
•
Surf the internet
•
Go for a walk
•
Play music
•
Write or draw your feelings (the quality does not
matter here.)
•
Go to www.calm.com
At the 15 minute mark, check in and see where you’re at. If
you need more time, take it. The time-out ends when the person who called it
ends it.
The biggest benefit to taking time outs is that it will not just calm you down this
time, but will start to build the self-soothing habit. Over time, you’ll need fewer
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time-outs because your brain will start taking care of things for you. (Mighty
thanks to Dossie Easton, co-author of The Ethical Slut, for this tip!)
2) Play detective about your jealousy.
Jealousy is a socially sanctioned umbrella
term for any number of uncomfortable
emotions. It can be hard to feel some of
these things directly, especially when more
than one emotion is occurring at a time. It
can take a little detective work, but when
you know what you’re really feeling
underneath it all, it becomes a lot easier to figure out what you’re really needing.
Here are some emotions that may be underneath when you experience jealousy.
Which of these show up for you?
•
Envy
•
Sadness
•
Anger
•
Grief
•
Rage
•
Self-loathing
•
Feeling inadequate
•
Feeling “not good enough”
•
Fear of rejection
•
Fear of abandonment
•
Possessiveness
•
Competitiveness
•
Insecurity
•
Feeling excluded
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•
Resentment
•
Loneliness
•
Anxiety
•
Mistrust
•
Feeling “there’s something wrong with me”
•
Fear of loss
•
Hurt
Actions
Create your time-out plan:
•
Figure out your safeword. Make it unusual but memorable.
•
Determine your respective corners (Does one of you get the bedroom and
the other the kitchen? Where do you agree to go if you live in a studio? If
you don’t live together? If you’re out and about?)
•
Choose one or two activities for your time outs. You can change them later
if you want, but having something concrete to go to will be helpful for
calming down your system.
Jealousy Strategy #2: Stay Exactly Where You’re At
This one is harder than it seems. You neither dig into it, nor distract yourself.
Just let yourself be jealous. Feel it. Notice the texture and flavor of it. Don’t try to
change it, figure it out or make it go away. You may notice the volume goes up or
down when you have certain thoughts. Just notice it.
Too often we try to “fix” jealousy, like it’s a problem. But what if you simply
stayed with the feeling? Notice what color it has. Is it far away or close by? Does it
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have a sound? If so, what does it sound like? Where do you feel it in your body? Is
it large or small?
What is the texture? Is it soft? Smooth? Rough? Jagged? Is there a smell? A
flavor? What else do you notice?
Jealousy Strategy #3: Distract Yourself Like Crazy
Look, I know there are some folks out there who think that jealousy is an
opportunity to Dig Deep and Be PresentTM and I wouldn’t disagree with that. And
for those who really want to do the emotional work, the first two strategies can be
profoundly supportive.
But sometimes you just don’t have it in you to get all wrapped up in processing all
the feelings. Here’s where good old fashioned distraction comes in. Big
distractions, little ones... doesn’t matter. He’s got a date this weekend? She’s
having her first sleepover out? Awesome, take the kid to Disneyland and have a
blast. Watch a ton of Breaking Bad episodes. Embroil yourself in the most
tedious, mind-numbing organizational or programming project you can come up
with. Have friends over and give yourself pedicures (Guys, black with sparkles
looks awesome.) Make art. Climb a tree. Read “Tiny Beautiful Things” by Cheryl
Strayed. Whatever floats your boat and gets your mind focused on something
else.
As one of my clients said to me, “Distraction gets a bad rap. I prefer to think of it
as ‘Reminders that reality is bigger than whatever I’m obsessing over.’”
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Mistake #4: Trying To Be “The Perfect Poly
Person”
Oh the Perfect Poly Person. You know the one. He never gets triggered. She never
feels jealous. He’s always willing to watch the kids so his partner can have a date.
She likes to watch her partner fuck other people. The person we’re going to be
when we figure out all this open relationship stuff... right?!
It seems like the Perfect Poly Person trap hides in two places:
“I have to be perfect at this for my partner.”
“I have to be perfect at this or people will judge me for it.”
What’s more, it seems like there is an unconscious belief that someday, if you just
keep at it, you too will be perfect, and then everything will be okay.
Oh darling, I have good news and bad news. You’ll never be the perfect poly
person. Which is bad if you’ve been pinning your lovability and safety on “doing it
right.” On the other hand, if you can see that you’re clearly loved, even when you
don’t know your ass from your elbow, that’s good, right?
Let’s address these two hiding places separately.
“I have to be perfect at this for my partner.”
In the first case, Perfect Poly Person syndrome (or PPP, as I call it) shows up as
letting boundaries slide, agreeing to a bit more than you can handle, or pushing
yourself to be okay with things you’re really not okay with.
Your intentions are good – you want to do this “right” – but the fallout can be
tragic, as resentment accumulates. At some point, you need things to stop, and
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your partner, who has been trusting that what you’ve been saying all along is the
truth, can be hurt, baffled or feel
manipulated.
The uncomfortable truth is that
trying to be the PPP actually is a
form of lying. When you don’t
honestly own up to the things that
you worry will make you “less
than,” you’re actually not telling the
truth.
This is hard because often this poly person feels that in order to be “kept” or to be
“enough” they have to be “perfect,” the definition of which somehow means no
jealous feelings, no saying no, no boundaries.
Now, if that’s actually true, then you’ve got much bigger problems than open
relationships. It means your partner is, at best, cruel, and at worst, an abusive
bully. No one should ever have their boundaries violated in order to stay in a
relationship.
Fortunately, the reality for most couples who are in a mutual dialog about open
relationships is that this is more of a feeling than an actual truth. After all, your
partner chose you to go on this journey with. In a healthy relationship, perfection
isn’t the goal. Enjoying yourselves, imperfections and all, is.
If feelings of “not being enough” are common for you in places other than in your
relationship, you may also want to consider talking with a therapist. Often this
kind of thinking about oneself starts from a young age, and isn’t about what’s
going on between you and your partner.
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If it only comes up around the open relationship conversations, then this is worth
talking to with your partner about. Get a reality check from them. Find out what
he or she is really expecting from you. You might be surprised to find out that
they are expecting you to have fears, doubts, concerns, boundaries, etc.
The truth is, those very things that have you feel vulnerable, scared, and nervous
are the places where you are protecting something precious to you. Trying to run
roughshod over it means you’re losing touch with a part of yourself. Slow down.
Listen to it. It might have something important to tell you.
And in those tiny moments of listening, you might be able to ask the question
you’re really scared of. And you’ll give your partner a chance to show you a kind
of love that they never will know you need if you don’t tell them.
The big scary question for a lot of us is “If I can’t do this, will you leave me?”
Depending on your
situation, this may be worth
having an honest
conversation about. But if
you do talk about it, get
really clear on what you each
mean by “do” “this” and
“leave.” For some people, it’s
less about actually doing anything in particular, and more about needing to have
a space in their relationship to talk about their desires. For others, there might be
a concrete need to experience something in order to know something about
themselves. Some people might not really know why they want to open up.
Even if this is a conversation you do decide to have, be wary of expectations to
“put up or shut up” or “this is just how I am and you need to deal with it.” That is
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not a teamwork type of approach to relationships (open or not) and may be
indicative of a bigger problem.
“I have to be perfect at this or people will judge me for it.”
There is no such thing as the perfect poly person.
Even I, who’s been doing this since sometime in the late 20th century, feel jealous
and anxious sometimes. Even those famous authors of the open relationship
books screw up sometimes and share too much or too little information. Even the
workshop leaders who teach classes on non-monogamous dating feel lonely
sometimes, and the folks who are poly community leaders make big messes that
have to be cleaned up. (I know this because those people are my friends.)
They’re not broken. They’re human.
And so are you.
When you don’t admit your fears or concerns, you are left to shoulder them
alone. Lack of vulnerability keeps others from getting to know you. It also keeps
them from being able to support you.
I get it, sweetpea. Believe me, I do. Remembering to be vulnerable is one of my
biggest challenges in open relationships (I mean, I’m the awesome, know-it-all
poly coach, so if anyone has to be perfect, it should be me, right? Arrg!)
I know that when you’re doing something that is as edgy as open relationships,
there’s a temptation to want to make it look good so that people don’t judge you.
It’s hard to say, “My husband went on a date with someone else, and I’m crazy
jealous about it” to someone who is just going to say “That’s why this open
relationship business is nonsense. Why are you doing this to yourself?”
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That’s why it’s crucial that you have people you can talk to about this stuff. You
shouldn’t have to face the world alone. Find a friend, an online discussion group,
or a local open relationship community, so you have someone to talk to.
Actions
Pay attention to when you need some space to be imperfect or vulnerable. These
are often the places where you can get some support, a reality check or
reassurance from your partner or from your support network.
•
Pay attention to the places where you feel trapped, contracted or stuck in a
double bind.
•
Notice whenever you say the words “should” or “supposed to” – this is
where you are setting yourself or your partner up for a standard that might
not be attainable.
•
And, build your support networks. Find someone(s) you can talk to about
this stuff. It’s vital.
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Where To Go From Here
Opening up your relationship is a courageous act of faith and love. It requires
trust and vulnerability on a scale that many people don’t even want to think
about.
One of the biggest (and saddest) myths is that open relationships are somehow
“better” than monogamous ones. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I always share this one secret with people that liberates them from the rules
they’ve created for themselves: “It’s not the what, it’s the how.”
In other words, it matters a lot less what kind of relationship you’re in, and a lot
more how you relate to one another. A relationship with love, trust, compassion,
vulnerability, playfulness, support and passion is a relationship to aspire to,
regardless of what kind of structure it has.
But even if you have all that, the reality is that there is not a lot of guidance out
there from people who have been there. That’s why I created the “Successful NonMonogamy for Couples” program. In this program, I’ve pulled together the three
elements that I think really make a difference for couples who want to open up
successfully: diverse expert perspectives, profound validation for finding the path
that’s right for you, and the steady guidance of a coach who has seen it all.
Whether you’re actively opening up your relationship, or still just thinking and
talking about it, it’s worth taking a look at what we’ve put together. Learn all
about what we’re doing. Take a moment to read the success stories of people, just
like you, who have created incredible relationships that reflect their desire for
more passion, sex, intimacy and love.
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Here’s the link: http://successfulnonmonogamy.com/program
Wishing you much love and happiness,
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