Page 7A • Wednesday, January 6, 2010 Me and Dan Brown BY DAN BROWN I want to lodge a complaint. This is getting ridiculous. I was in Atlanta last week, doing some Christmas shopping at Books A Million and it happened again. I had been perusing the new release table when I heard this hot, sultry voice from behind. “I’m looking for Dan Brown.” I immediately perked up, and thought, “Dang. I’ve only been in town for six hours and they already know I’m here.” I then heard a Books A Million associate reply, “Oh, he’s right over there.” And I thought again, “Wow … one of my tens upon tens of Fanfare fans.” So I turned, and smiled at the tall, leggy brunette sashaying my way, and my brain flew off on this wildly ridiculous tangent that says I’m a legend in my own mind. I said, “Hi there,” in what I call my Radio Voice and flashed a big smile. She looked at me like I was something she just stepped in and said, “Excuse me but would you please move? I want Dan Brown’s new book and you’re in my way.” Oh. You want … him. The little fantasy I’d suddenly conjured burst like an over-inflated balloon. “But my name really is Dan Brown.” She gave me this look like I just belched up lunch and said, “Sure it is. Now please move or else I get out the pepper spray.” It’s not easy being Dan Brown, and yes, I know. This is an exercise in total narcissism. Writing a column about being me. Not quite though, but you get my point. I was once told I was a totally self-absorbed and self-centered individual. Everything is always all about me. To which I reply, “and your point is what?” This is all about me, on being Dan Brown. And I singularly blame him for this. Growing up I thought my name was dull. There’s not much you can do with Dan Brown. It has no rhythm. No flow. It just sits there, ordinary and un-inspiring. I wanted something dashing like “Rex Steele,” but had to settle for plain-Jane Dan Brown. Then someone who has your name writes a controversial mega-best seller and suddenly everybody wants a piece of you. Dan Brown becomes the most talked about man on the planet. Millions of churchgoers reviled him, but they all bought his book, and Dan Brown laughed all the way to the bank. Too bad that wasn’t me. Sure, money can’t buy happiness, but it m a k e s being miserable a lot more fun. One of my favorite narcissistic pastimes on trips to Books A Million is to peruse the fiction aisle and see whose name jumps off the shelf at me, giving a slight pause at the slot on the shelf where my eventual best seller would reside. That’s when I see it, and one of the top items on my Life’s Bucket List, right next to “Fly Like Superman” and “Win the Heart of a Really Hot Looking Super Model” – to see my name on a book sitting on a shelf in Books A Million – had been unceremoniously stolen from me. The Da Vinci Code, the new best seller from Dan Brown. I uttered a few choice colorful adjectives. Everywhere I go I’d get the same thing, “So how does it feel to write all those books?” I even had a woman pass me on the street one day who did the whole “snake fangs” thing at me with her fingers. Then she hissed and said, “Be thee gone from me Satan.” Even the Pope wants a piece of me. I was watching the news one night and as Peter Jennings is about to go to commercial, he throws out a little teaser about the next news story. “When we come back. The Pope speaks out against Dan Brown.” Dang, I thought, he’s good. How did the Pope know I skipped church last Sunday? So from one Dan Brown to another I say, Thank you. Because now, if I ever do write that best selling novel, I have to pick another name. Hmm. How about, “Ride the Wild Wind” by Rex Steele? Letters I’ll never send … 2 BY JULIE R. SMITH E ven my dearest friends say I’m not real quick on the draw. I never think of a comeback during any encounter, whether it leaves me sputtering, laughing or crying. Instead, I think it over for awhile and then write letters in my head. Thus today we have… More Letters I’ll Never Send: Dear Neighbor: How nice of you to ask four people if I left my husband. Actually, the luggage, clothes and ugly bedspreads you saw me loading in my car Tuesday went to Goodwill. But really, thanks for the rumor. Dear Church Lady: You’re always there in the pew ahead, beautifully dressed, a kind word for everyone, the perfect lady. No one would ever know the pain you’ve endured. I really, sincerely admire you. (And from the back, your hair looks terrific!) Dear Mother: It was wonderful talking with you today, like old times. You even knew who I was. Dear Charlie Sheen: This is a family newspaper, so instead of using ugly words, I’ll substitute a smiley face, like this :]. Here’s the :] gist, Lover Boy. You bring your :] game to South Carolina, and the :] jig is up. Maybe in California you :] get away with beating women, cheating on your wives, whooping it up with call girls, boozing, drugging, shooting Kelly Preston in the leg, leaving rehab and pulling a :] knife on the wife who had your babies five months ago. Please come down here and try that :], PLEASE! One of three things will happen: The woman involved will beat your :] in the middle of the road, or her brother will beat your :] in the middle of the road, or her daddy will do the honors. If all else fails, Jenny Sanford will drive in from Sullivan’s Island and beat your :] in the middle of the road. P.S. Used to like your TV show, but now I think it’s :]. Dear Tyler Perry: I love you. Would Madea adopt me? Dear Any American in the Armed Services: Thank you. Dear Cesar Milan, aka the Dog Whisperer: If more owners realized the way to cure Killer’s bad habits involves a simple rolled-up newspaper, boy, would you be out of a job. Dear anyone who asks my opinion on the schism in the Episcopal Church: A) I’m not educated enough to have one, and B) Can’t we all just get along? Dear Target: I found the brocade pillows you overpriced at $18 each at for 3 bucks at Goodwill… and they look BRAND NEW!! Hahahaha! But I still love your shoes. Dear T-Bob: You really don’t have to put the kids on the phone every time I call. Really. Dear David Pickles: Remember in the eighth grade when I wouldn’t let you copy off my English test and you called me a dog? I forgive you. But it took 36 years. Dear Mr. Po-Po: First of all, I totally respect you and your job. Secondly, would you mind not pulling people over in my driveway every night? The neighbors are starting to talk. Dear Convenience Store Clerk: I realize your computerized cash register died, but shouldn’t you be able to make change for a dollar in your head? Julie R. Smith, who may one day actually mail these letters, can be reached at [email protected]. Of moose and men… BY JIM TATUM S o I read where a New York woman is suing a bar she was in because a stuffed moose head fell on her. She says she has suffered injuries and lost wages because of the nose-dive ol’ Bullwinkle took after happy hour. Sounds ridiculous, eh? Yet another reason why we need tort reform in this country, right? Well, maybe, and then again, maybe not. I’ve always been of the opinion that people are largely responsible for their actions. That includes where they park their carcasses to pound a brewski or two. On the other hand, Bullwinkle weighed more than 150 pounds and had a rack about three feet wide. Add all that with a dose of gravity, and you have a pretty powerful headache. Call it what you will, but someone needs to be held responsible. Talk of tort reform is scary to me. I don’t ever want to get on the business end of a lawsuit, frivolous or not, but I also don’t want the powerful to feel free to practice the hideous, Deliverancetype behavior on we the people with far more latitude than they currently enjoy. Whether we like it or not, about the only thing that keeps these greedy clowns from doing whatever they feel like is the very real fear of a visit from a fast-talking character from the offices of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe. A few years ago, I wrote a column that absolutely infuriated my brother, who I love dearly and respect exponentially. He’s a lawyer, a very capable and impeccably honest one, and his objection was not necessarily my stance on tort reform at the time, but the nature of the information upon which I based my objections. Like so much of what’s wrong with the world today, it, too, came from the Internet. Email. Something called the Stella Awards, a dubious honor bestowed upon “the most ridiculous lawsuits in America,” named for the woman who sued McDonald’s after she burned herself with a cup of hot coffee. The problem, he pointed out, is that the cases cited are either blown exponentially out of proportion or simply never happened. The fact is, there are plenty of unscrupulous, blowhard lawyers out there, classic ambulance chasers looking for a fast buck. They all ought to be castrated and sent to Pakistan wearing, “My Kid can Beat Up your Mullah” Tshirts. There are also a lot of unscrupulous, blowhard pundits and spin-doctors out there inundating the public with all manner of carefully constructed fiction. They all ought to be castrated and sent to Pakistan wearing, “My Kid can Beat Up Your Mullah,” T-shirts. There are also a lot of idiots in the public repeating all this truthless dreck as Gospel, thus perpetuating the cycle of fear and ignorance. They all ought to be – okay, okay, you get the idea. Actually, reform starts at home. It’s probably too much to ask the Bar Association to be a little more willing to barbecue those creeps that clog up the system and waste everyone’s time and money, but one can hope. It’s probably too much to ask judges to be quicker to censure, suspend, even disbar some of their own rather than politely ask them not to engage in practices that bring them wealth and television commercials, but one can hope. It’s probably too much to ask corporations, political parties, special interest groups, and other occasionally necessary evils to put a little fact in their folderol, but one can hope. It’s probably too much to ask the public to be a little more discerning, but one can – okay, okay, you get the idea. School district making strides 323-B East Main Street, P.O. Box 427, Moncks Corner, SC 29461 PH. (843) 761-NEWS (6397); FAX (843) 899-6996 PUBLISHER Ellen C. Priest EXECUTIVE EDITOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Judy Watts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [email protected] EDITOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frank Johnson . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [email protected] REGIONAL ADVERTISING DIRECTOR . . . . . . Chris Zoeller . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [email protected] STAFF WRITER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David Berman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [email protected] STAFF WRITER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dan Brown . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [email protected] STAFF WRITER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jim Tatum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [email protected] STAFF WRITER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 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[email protected] BUSINESS OFFICE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Madeline Drake . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [email protected] DISTRIBUTION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Robert “Mac” McIntyre Member S.C. Press Association Member Inland Press Association The Berkeley Independent was established October 21, 1987. The Berkeley Democrat was established May 17, 1918. The Berkeley Democrat was purchased December 29, 1989 by The Berkeley Independent. Subscriptions inside Berkeley County cost $22 for one year or $32 for two years. Due to the cost of postage, outside of county and state subscriptions are higher. The Berkeley Independent is published every Wednesday by Berkeley Independent Publishing Company, Inc. at 320 E. Main St, Moncks Corner, SC, 29461. Second Class Postage (USPS-000-2-246) paid at Moncks Corner, South Carolina, 29461. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to The Berkeley Independent, PO Box 427, Moncks Corner, SC, 29461. Opinions expressed in this newspaper may or may not reflect the opinion of the staff of The Berkeley Independent. CYAN-AOOO MAGENTA-OAOO YELLOW-OOAO BLACK 01/29/08 BY TERRY HARDESTY All too often, we are reading stories that do not put our local school districts in a good light. Negative news seems to always get ahead of anything positive and I guess that’s a product of consumer demand. Our public schools do, however, have numerous success stories both as a region and certainly in Berkeley County. The recent Education Foundation Annual Business Education Summit announced the wonderful news that this region has been accepted into Ford Motor Company Fund’s “Next Generation Learning Communities.” I’m extremely proud as a member of the summit planning committee of the effort made by the many business and school district leaders that volunteered their efforts to make the summit a success. This is just one example of the numerous groups and organizations that give generously of both time and treasure to our school systems. Surely businesses such as Boeing would not be locating here without a good educational system from which to develop a workforce. In Berkeley County we accomplished a lot in very short period of time. We have moved the district in a positive direction despite $3 million in revenue cuts this year. By reducing central office staff, streamlining our business practices and eliminating obsolete programs, the budget cuts did not impact classrooms.We are already preparing for another expected round of funding cuts. In March, the Berkeley County School Board and Superintendant Dr. Anthony Parker spent three days crafting a strategic plan for improvement. The board set the goals and Dr. Parker and his staff immediately proceeded to further develop the specific action items and measurable objectives to meet the goals. You can see the plan on the district’s website and it is also displayed throughout the schools. I am extremely pleased to say that considerable progress is being made on accomplishing the objectives. We have constructed a new Principal Accountably Model, revised and added specific job descriptions for all staff, created a Comprehensive Communication Plan, and most importantly we are striving for continuous improvement using Baldrige Principles. Dr. Parker has been highly visi- ble in the community and is setting the standard for effective collaboration between all stakeholders both within our district and within our region. Our new Chief Operations Officer is overseeing a comprehensive review of facilities. This includes a land use study that looks at specific schools and their true capacity, current use, and future growth potential based on real data including birth rates and planned subdivisions. Growth may have slowed at the present, but we know it can return at a pace that can rapidly overcrowd our schools before we can react. We are planning ahead now to be able to avoid the negative impact. We are also evaluating our construction model for new schools with the goal of significant cost reduction from recent projects. This will include substantial input from the community through a County Facility Design Committee. As I sit and reflect during the holiday season, I am blessed to be part of the leadership team for Berkeley County Schools, thankful for our new direction toward excellence, and proud of the entire staff of Berkeley County School System. Mr. Hardesty is a Berkeley County School Board Member (District 6). The Independent encourages readers to write to The Forum. Letters must be signed and have a daytime phone number for verification. Please limit letters to 400 words or less. Letters may be edited for length and content if necessary. Letters should be addresed to: The Editor, The Berkeley Independent, P.O. Box 427, Moncks Corner, SC 29461.