Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School Sex and Halakha Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex A. One Flesh? 1. Bereishit 1:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh. ‫בראשית פרק ב פסוק כד‬ ‫שׁתּוֹ ְוהָיוּ‬ ְ ‫עַל כֵּן י ַ ֲעזָב ִאישׁ ֶאת אָבִיו ְו ֶאת ִאמּוֹ וְדָ בַק ְבּ ִא‬ :‫שׂר ֶאחָד‬ ָ ‫ְל ָב‬ 2. Rashi, ad. Loc. One flesh – the child is created by two of them, and there their flesh is made one. ‫רש"י בראשית פרק ב פסוק כד‬ ‫ ושם נעשה‬,‫לבשר אחד הולד נוצר על ידי שניהם‬ :‫בשרם אחד‬ 3. Ramban, ad. Loc. ‫רמב"ן בראשי ת פרק ב פסוק כד‬ “The child is created by two of them, and there their flesh is made one.” – these are the words of Rashi. And this explanation does not make sense, because all animals [and not uniquely humans] become one flesh in their offspring. ‫הולד נוצר על ידי שניהם ושם נעשה‬ ,‫ ואין בזה טעם‬.‫ לשון רש"י‬,‫בשרם אחד‬ ‫כי גם הבהמה והחיה יהיו לבשר אחד‬ :‫בולדותיהם‬ What appears correct in my opinion, is that [male] animals and beasts do not cleave to their females, but the male comes onto whatever female he finds, and goes his way. Thus, the verse says that the female of the man came from a bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh, and cleaved to her, and she became in his bosom like his flesh, and he desired her, that she should always be with him. Once this was the case with Adam, it was placed in his nature for his descendants, that the males should cleave to their wives, abandon their mothers and fathers, and see their wives as if they are with them as one flesh… And behold he will abandon his mother and his father – who are his flesh – and his closeness to them, and he will see that his wife is closer to him then they… ‫ כי הבהמה והחיה אין להם‬,‫והנכון בעיני‬ ‫ אבל יבא הזכר על‬,‫דבקות בנקבותיהן‬ ‫ ומפני זה‬,‫ וילכו להם‬,‫איזה נקבה שימצא‬ ‫ בעבור שנקבת האדם היתה‬,‫אמר הכתוב‬ ,‫ ודבק בה‬,‫עצם מעצמיו ובשר מבשרו‬ ‫ ויחפוץ בה להיותה‬,‫והיתה בחיקו כבשרו‬ ‫ הושם‬,‫ וכאשר היה זה באדם‬.‫תמיד עמו‬ ‫ להיות הזכרים מהם‬,‫טבעו בתולדותיו‬ ‫ עוזבים את אביהם‬,‫דבקים בנשותיהם‬ ‫ ורואים את נשותיהן כאלו הן‬,‫ואת אמם‬ ‫ וכן כי אחינו בשרנו‬.‫עמם לבשר אחד‬ ‫ אל כל שאר בשרו‬,(‫הוא )להלן לז כז‬ ‫ הקרובים במשפחה יקראו‬.(‫)ויקרא יח ו‬ ‫ והנה יעזוב שאר אביו‬."‫"שאר בשר‬ ‫ ויראה שאשתו קרובה לו‬,‫ואמו וקורבתם‬ ‫מהם‬ 4. Ramban, Commentary to Shemot 21:9 And the woman is called she’er of the husband… and that is based on the verse, “And he shall cleave to his wife and they shall be one flesh” (Bereishit 12:24). Thus, sh’era means the closeness of her flesh, and ksuta means her bedclothes, as it says, “Because that is his only ksut- garment – with what shall ‫רמב"ן שמות פרק כא פסוק ט‬ ‫ והוא מן הענין‬...‫ותקרא האשה שאר לבעל‬ ‫שאמר ודבק באשתו והיו לבשר אחד‬ .‫ והנה שארה קרוב בשרה‬.(‫)בראשית ב כד‬ ‫ כמו שנאמר )להלן כב‬,‫וכסותה כסות מטתה‬ 1 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School he sleep?” (Devarim 22:26). And onatah refers to time, that he shall come onto her at the time of lovemaking… ‫ ועונתה‬.‫כו( כי היא כסותו לבדה במה ישכב‬ ...‫הוא עונה שיבא אליה לעת דודים‬ The sense of the verse if that if he takes another wife, the closeness of her flesh and her bedclothes and her time of lovemaking he should not withhold from her, because that is the statute of women (lit. daughters). And the reason for this prohibition is that the new wife should not be sitting on a honorable bed, where they will be there as one flesh, and the first wife will be treated as a concubine, sleeping with him only casually (lit. by chance) and on the floor, like one who comes onto a prostitute. Thus the verse prohibits this. And so our Sages have explained, “She’erah implies closeness of the flesh, viz., that he must not treat her in the manner of the Persians who perform their conjugal duties in their clothes.” ‫ קרוב בשרה‬,‫ שאם יקח אחרת‬,‫וענין הכתוב‬ ‫של זו וכסות מטתה ועת דודיה לא יגרע‬ ‫ שלא‬,‫ והטעם‬.‫ כי כן משפט הבנות‬,‫ממנה‬ ‫תהיה האחרת יושבת לו על מטה כבודה והיו‬ ‫ וזו עמו כפילגש ישכב עמה‬,‫שם לבשר אחד‬ ,‫בדרך מקרה ועל הארץ כבא אל אשה זונה‬ ‫ וכך אמרו חכמים‬.‫ולכן מנעו הכתוב מזה‬ ‫ שלא‬,‫)כתובות מח א( שארה זו קרוב בשר‬ ‫ינהג בה כמנהג פרסיים שמשמשין מטותיהן‬ .‫בלבושיהן‬ This is a correct explanation, because it is the way of Scripture in all places to refer to matters of sex with clean and short terms, and thus it says with these matters obliquely: she’era, ksuta, vi’onatah, to refer to the three matters that a man conducts with his wife at the time of their union. ‫ כי דרך הכתוב בכל מקום‬,‫וזה פירוש נכון‬ ‫ ולכן‬,‫להזכיר המשכב בלשון נקי ובקצור‬ ‫ על‬,‫אמר באלו ברמז שארה כסותה ועונתה‬ ‫שלשת הענינים אשר לאדם עם אשתו‬ .‫בחבורן‬ 5. Rambam, Laws of Forbidden Sexual Relations, Ch. 21 [9] A man’s wife is permitted to him, therefore whatever a man wants to do with his wife he may do, he can have sex whenever he wants, and kiss any part of her body that he wants, and have sex with her in the normal way and in the non-normal way, or sex by “way of her limbs,” [i.e., with other body parts, e.g., oral sex] (some manuscripts add: as long as he does not “spill his seed to waste.”). Nevertheless, it is an act of piety that a person should not act in a frivolous manner and that he should sanctify himself at the time of sex, as we have explained in the Laws of Character Traits (chapter 5), and he should not stray from the way of the world and its customs, for this matter (sex) is only in order to procreate. [11] The Sages were not happy with a person who has sex too frequently, and was always having sex with his wife like a rooster, and such a person is very lacking and such are the acts of ignoramuses. Rather, whoever limits his frequency of having sex, behold he is to be praised, provided that he does not negate his obligation of onah without his wife’s permission… ‫רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה‬ ‫פרק כא‬ ,‫[ט[ אשתו של אדם מותרת היא לו‬ ‫לפיכך כל מה שאדם רוצה לעשות‬ ‫ בועל בכל עת‬,‫באשתו עושה‬ ‫שירצה ומנשק בכל אבר ואבר‬ ‫ ובא עליה כדרכה ושלא‬,‫שירצה‬ ‫כדרכה בין דרך איברים )במקצת‬ ‫ ובלבד שלא יוציא שכבת זרע‬:‫כ"י‬ ‫לבטלה( ואע"פ כן מדת חסידות‬ ‫שלא יקל אדם את ראשו לכך‬ ‫ושיקדש עצמו בשעת תשמיש כמו‬ ‫ ולא יסיר‬,‫שביארנו בהלכות דעות‬ ‫מדרך העולם ומנהגו שאין דבר זה‬ .‫אלא כדי לפרות ולרבות‬ ‫]יא[ אין דעת חכמים נוחה למי‬ ‫שהוא מרבה בתשמיש המטה ויהיה‬ ‫ ופגום‬,‫מצוי אצל אשתו כתרנגול‬ ,‫הוא עד מאד ומעשה בורים הוא‬ ‫אלא כל הממעט בתשמיש הרי זה‬ ‫ והוא שלא יבטל עונה אלא‬,‫משובח‬ ...‫מדעת אשתו‬ 2 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School 6. Rambam, Laws of Marriage, 15:1-2 ‫א ב‬:‫ ט"ו‬,‫ הלכות אישות‬,‫רמב"ם‬ If a woman allowed her husband after they were married to decrease his conjugal obligations, this is permissible. When is this true? After he has fulfilled the mitzvah of pru u’rvu. But if he has not fulfilled it, he is obligated to have sex during every conjugal period until he fulfills it because it is a positive Biblical commandment, as it says: “Be fruitful and multiply.” ‫האשה שהרשת את בעלה אחר הנישואין שימנע‬ ‫ במה דברים אמורים בשהיו‬,‫עונתה הרי זה מותר‬ ‫לו בנים שכבר קיים מצות פריה ורביה אבל אם לא‬ ‫קיים חייב לבעול בכל עונה עד שיהיו לו בנים מפני‬ ,‫שהיא מצות עשה של תורה שנ' )בראשית א' כ"ח‬ .‫ נח ט' ז'( פרו ורבו‬,‫נח ט' א‬ The man is commanded on pru u’rvu, and not the woman. At what stage is the man obligated in this mitzvah? From the age of seventeen, and once he has exceeded twentty years of age and has not married a woman, he transgresses and negates a positive commandment… ,‫האיש מצווה על פריה ורביה אבל לא האשה‬ ,‫ומאימתי האיש נתחייב במצוה זו מבן שבע עשרה‬ ‫וכיון שעברו עשרים שנה ולא נשא אשה הרי זה‬ … ‫עובר ומבטל מצות עשה‬ 7. Rambam, Laws of Character Traits, 3:2 ‫ב‬:‫רמב"ם הלכות דעות ג‬ A man must direct his heart and all his actions, all of them, solely to know God, blessed be He. Thus, his sitting and his rising, and his talking all should be directed towards this goal. How so? ... And so when he eats and drinks and has sex, he should not intend to do these things for the sake of pleasure alone, to the point where he only eats and drinks that which is tasty, and only has sex for the sake of pleasure… rather he should eat only a manner to sustain health, that he should be healthy and remain perfect, since it is impossible for a person to live without food and drink. Similarly, when he has sex, he should only have sex for the purpose of the health of his body, and to have offspring. Therefore he will not have sex whenever he desires it, but rather whenever he knows that he must expel the semen for a medical need or to have offspring. ‫צריך האדם שיכוון לבו וכל מעשיו כולם לידע את‬ ‫ ויהיה שבתו וקומו ודבורו‬,‫השם ברוך הוא בלבד‬ ‫ וכן כשיאכל וישתה‬...‫ כיצד‬,‫הכל לעומת זה הדבר‬ ‫ויבעול לא ישים בלבו לעשות דברים האלו כדי‬ ‫ליהנות בלבד עד שנמצא שאינו אוכל ושותה אלא‬ ‫ אלא ישים על‬,‫המתוק לחיך ויבעול כדי ליהנות‬ ‫לבו שיאכל וישתה כדי להברות גופו ואיבריו‬ ‫ ואוכל דרך רפואה בלבד כדי שיבריא‬....‫בלבד‬ ‫ הואיל ואי אפשר לאדם לחיות אלא‬,‫ויעמוד שלם‬ ‫ וכן כשיבעול לא יבעול אלא כדי‬,‫באכילה ושתיה‬ ‫ לפיכך אינו‬,‫להברות גופו וכדי לקיים את הזרע‬ ‫בועל כל זמן שיתאוה אלא כל עת שידע שהוא‬ ‫צריך להוציא שכבת זרע כמו דרך הרפואה או‬ .‫לקיים את הזרע‬ Critique of the Ra’avad: And similarly for the mitzvah of Onah, if she has not waived this right. ‫ א"א וכן למצות העונה אם היא‬:‫השגות הראב"ד‬ ‫מקפדת‬ 8. Rambam, Guide for the Perplexed III:8 (Frielander tr., 1904) Some consider, as we just said, all wants of the body as shame, disgrace, and defect to which they are compelled to attend: this is chiefly the case with the sense of touch, which is a disgrace to us according to Aristotle, and which is the cause of our desire for eating, drinking, and to copulate. Intelligent persons must, as much as possible, reduce these wants, guard against them, feel grieved when satisfying them, abstain from speaking of them, discussing them, and attending to them in company with others. Man must have control over all these desires, reduce them as much as possible, and only retain of them as much as is indispensable. His aim must be the aim of man as man, viz., the formation of ideas, and nothing else… Those who desire to be men in truth, and not brutes, having only the appearance and shape of men, must constantly endeavour to reduce the wants of the body, such as eating, drinking, copulation, anger, and all vices originating in 3 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School lust and passion; they must feel ashamed of them and set limits to them for themselves. As for eating and drinking in so far as it is indispensable, they will eat and drink only as much as is useful and necessary as food, and not for the purpose of pleasure… On sexual intercourse, I need not add anything after I have pointed out in the commentary on Abot (1:5) how it is treated by our Law, which is the teaching of pure wisdom--no excuse whatever should induce us to mention it or to speak of it. Thus our Sages said, that Elisha the prophet is called holy, because he did not think of it, and consequently never found himself polluted with semen. In a similar manner they say that Jacob had the first issue of semen for the conception of Reuben. All these traditional stories have the object of teaching the nation humane conduct. There is a well-known saying of our Sages, "The thoughts about the sin are more dangerous than the sin itself." I can offer a good explanation of this saying: When a person is disobedient, this is due to certain accidents connected with the corporeal element in his constitution; for man sins only by his animal nature, whereas thinking is a faculty of man connected with his form,--a person who thinks sinfully sins therefore by means of the nobler portion of his self: and he who wrongly causes a foolish slave to work does not sin as much as he who wrongly causes a noble and free man to do the work of a slave. For this specifically human element, with all its properties and powers, should only be employed in suitable work, in attempts to join higher beings, and not in attempts to go down and reach the lower creatures… I have also a reason and cause for calling our language the holy language--do not think it is exaggeration or error on my part, it is perfectly correct--the Hebrew language has no special name for the organ of generation in females or in males, nor for the act of generation itself, nor for semen, nor for secretion. The Hebrew has no original expressions for these things, and only describes them in figurative language and by way of hints, as if to indicate thereby that these things should not be mentioned, and should therefore have no names; we ought to be silent about them, and when we are compelled to mention them, we must manage to employ for that purpose some suitable expressions, although these are generally used in a different sense… 9. Bavli, Hullin 11b R. Mari said: It is derived from the case (Shemot 21:15) of one that smiteth his father, or his mother, for which offence the Divine law prescribes death. Now why do we not fear that the person struck may not have been his father? Is it not because we follow the majority, and a woman cohabits with her husband more often [than with a stranger]? But perhaps [the law applies] only to the case where the father and mother were locked up in prison! — Even so there is no guardian against unchastity. 10. Bavli, Ketubot 6b As to the benediction of betrothal — what does one say? — Ravin b. R. Adda and Rabbah son of R. Adda both said in the name of Rav Yehuda: Blessed art Thou, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, who has sanctified us by his commandments and has commanded us concerning the forbidden relations and has forbidden unto us the betrothed and has allowed unto us the wedded through [the marriage] canopy and sanctification. R. Aha ‘the son of Rava, concludes it. in the name of Rav Yehuda, [with the words]: Blessed art Thou, O Lord, who sanctifies Israel through canopy and sanctification. He who does not seal [holds that] it is analogous to the blessing over fruits and to the benediction [said on performing] religious commandments. And he who seals [holds that] it is analogous to the kiddush. :‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת חולין יא‬ ‫ אתיא )שמות כ"א( ממכה‬:‫רב מרי אמר‬ ‫ וליחוש‬,‫ קטליה‬:‫ דאמר רחמנא‬,‫אביו ואמו‬ ‫דלמא לאו אביו הוא! אלא לאו משום‬ ‫ ורוב בעילות אחר‬,‫דאמרינן זיל בתר רובא‬ ‫ ממאי? דלמא כגון שהיו אביו ואמו‬.‫הבעל‬ ‫חבושים בבית האסורין! אפילו הכי אין‬ ‫אפוטרופוס לעריות‬ :‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת כתובות ז‬ ‫ברכת האירוסין מאי מברך? רבין בר רב‬ ‫ תרוייהו משמיה‬,‫אדא ורבה בר רב אדא‬ ‫ בא"י אמ"ה אשר‬:‫דרב יהודה אמרי‬ ‫ ואסר‬,‫קדשנו במצותיו וצונו על העריות‬ ‫ והתיר לנו את‬,‫לנו את הארוסות‬ ‫ רב אחא‬.‫הנשואות על ידי חופה וקדושין‬ ‫בריה דרבא מסיים בה משמיה דרב‬ ‫ בא"י מקדש ישראל על ידי חופה‬:‫יהודה‬ ‫ מידי דהוה‬,‫ מאן דלא חתים‬.‫וקדושין‬ ‫ ומאן‬,‫אברכת פירות ואברכת מצות‬ ‫ מידי דהוה אקידושא‬,‫דחתים‬ 4 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School 11. Masekhet Kallah 1:1 A bride without a blessing is forbidden to her husband like a niddah. The same way a niddah who has not immersed herself is forbidden to her husband, so a bride without a blessing is forbidden to her husband. ‫א‬:‫מסכתות קטנות מסכת כלה א‬ ‫ מה נדה שלא‬,‫כלה בלא ברכה אסורה לבעלה כנדה‬ ‫ אף כלה בלא ברכה אסורה‬,‫טבלה אסורה לבעלה‬ .‫לבעלה‬ And from in the Torah do we learn of the obligation of the blessing of bridegrooms [the “sheva berakhot”]… 12. Ramban, Pesahim 6b The practice regarding the blessings over the marriage [the “sheva berakhot”] is that we do not make these blessings until after the bride enters the chuppah, for these are blessings of prayer and praise. Know that this is so, for we make these blessings all seven days. This also seems to be the opinion of Hilkhot Gedolot. Rabbi Moshe [the Rambam], however, states that they are made prior to the marriage, and that is how my opinion inclines, for behold, the chuppah is the seclusion of the couple, and the woman must be able to have sex, and behold, a bride without a blessing is forbidden to her husband like a niddah. But we do not do it beforehand on the basis of the principle that mitzvah blessings are made before the mitzvah (for this is not a mitzvah blessing). 13. Torot Emet, Shulhan Arukh, Even HaEzer, 25:2 Rav Refael Birdugo (Head of Beit Din, Mekenes, and head of Jewish community in Morocco, 1747-1842) And even when he has sex at the time of onah he should not intend for his own pleasure – One can be astounded, how can this be?! Can a person walk on coals and his feet not be burned?! Behold Rav, who was an ‘angel of God’, fooled around and did his business in order to increase his desire, and our king, King David, of blessed memory, had sex with Bat Sheva in his old age, without any reason, other than his desire and his pleasure [see Sanhedrin 22a, where it is stated that he had sex with her thirteen times during that period], and who is greater than his [David’s] piety, who called himself ‘pious’. And Shlomo, of blessed memory, married a thousand women – how could he have acted with a thousand women with this excessive piety [not to ‘intend for his own benefit’]? And why did he have to marry all those women? Rather, it seems that in complete truth, that what the Torah permitted – it permitted categorically, and there is not the slightest trace of anything forbidden, and all of this [not to ‘intend for his own benefit’] is nothing more than an ‘excessive’ piety [even greater than that of King David], but from the Torah, one may ...‫ומניין לברכת חתנים מן התורה‬ :‫חידושי הרמב"ן מסכת פסחים ז‬ ‫וכן המנהג בברכת נשואין שאין מברכין‬ ‫אלא אחר שתכנס לחופה שאין אלו אלא‬ ‫ תדע שהרי כל שבעה‬,‫ברכות תפלה ושבח‬ ,‫ וכן נראה מהלכות גדולות‬,‫מברכין אותן‬ ‫והרב ר' משה ז"ל )ש(אמר קודם הנשואין‬ '‫ שהרי חופה ייחוד הוא ובעי‬,‫וכן דעתי נוטה‬ ‫ראוייה לביאה והרי כלה בלא ברכה אסורה‬ ‫ ולא מפני שהיא בכלל כל‬,‫היא לבעלה כנדה‬ ‫המצות כלן מברך עליהן עובר לעשייה‬ ‫ב‬:‫תורות אמת על אבהע"ז כ"ה‬ ‫אבד מקנס וראש‬ " ) ‫הגאון ר' רפאל בירדוגו‬ (1747-1842 ,‫כל קהילות ישראל במרוקו‬ ‫"ואף כשישמש בשעת העונה לא יכוון‬ ‫ איך יהי' זה אם‬,‫להנאתו" יש לתמוה‬ ,‫יהלך איש על הגחלים ורגליו לא תכוינה‬ ‫והרי רב שהיה מלאך ה' צבאות שחק‬ ‫ועשה צרכיו להרבות תאותו ]ברכות ס"ב‬ ‫ ומלכנו דוד המלך ע"ה בא אל בת‬,[‫ע"א‬ ‫שבע בימי זקנותו בלא טעם כי אם לחפצו‬ ‫ולהנאתו ]ע' סנהדרין כ"ב ע"א שבא‬ ‫ ומי לנו גדול‬,[‫עליה י"ג פעמים באותו זמן‬ ,'‫מחסידותו ]של דוד[ שקרא עצמו 'חסיד‬ ‫ושלמה ע"ה נשא אלף נשים איך יתנהג‬ ‫עם אלף נשים בכל החסידות היתירה‬ ‫ ולמה לו‬,['‫הזאת ]של 'לא יכוין להנאתו‬ [‫ אבל ]= אלא‬,‫לישא כל הנשים הללו‬ ‫נראה באמת ואמונה שמה שהתירה תורה‬ ‫ ואין בו שום נדנוד‬,‫מותר גמור הוא‬ 5 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School have sex even for his own pleasure and desire, and there is not in this behavior anything shameful or less than fully proper. '‫ ואין כל זה כי אם חסידות 'גדולה‬,‫איסור‬ ‫ ומן התורה‬,[‫]עוד יותר מחסידותו של דוד‬ ‫ ואין בו שם‬,‫אפי' להנאתו ולחפצו יבעול‬ ‫גנאי ודופי‬ See, also, Aharon Lichtenstein, “Of Marriage: Relationship and Relations,” in Tradition 39:2 (2005), pp. 735. B. Onah – The Mitzvah of Marital Sex 14. Shemot 21:7-11 ‫שמות פרק כא‬ 7. And if a man sells his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do. 8. If she pleases not her master, who has designated her for himself, then shall he let her be redeemed; to sell her to a strange nation he shall have no power, seeing he has dealt deceitfully with her. (‫שׁר לא )לוֹ‬ ֶ ‫ח ִאם ָרעָה ְבּעֵינֵי ֲאדֹנֶי ָה ֲא‬ ‫יְעָדָ הּ ְו ֶהפְדָּ הּ ְלעַם נָכ ְִרי "א י ִ ְמשׁ ֹל‬ .‫ְל ָמכ ְָרהּ ְבּ ִבגְדוֹ בָהּ‬ 9. And if he has betrothed her to his son, he shall deal with her as with a daughter. 10. If he takes for himself another wife; her food (she’era) her garment (ksuta) and her duty of marriage (onatah), shall he not diminish. 11. And if he does not do these three things to her, then shall she go out free without payment of money. 15. Bavli, Ketubot 47b-48a ‫ז ְוכִי י ִ ְמכּ ֹר ִאישׁ ֶאת בִּתּוֹ לְאָ ָמה "א‬ .‫תֵ צֵא ְכּצֵאת ָה ֲעבָדִ ים‬ ‫שׁפַּט ַהבָּנוֹת‬ ְ ‫ט ְו ִאם ִלבְנוֹ י ִיעָדֶ נָּה ְכּ ִמ‬ .‫שׂה לָּהּ‬ ֶ ‫י ַ ֲע‬ ‫שׁ ֵא ָרהּ כְּסוּתָ הּ‬ ְ ‫י ִאם אַח ֶֶרת י ִ ַקּח לוֹ‬ .‫וְעֹנָתָ הּ )א יִג ְָרע‬ ‫שׂה‬ ֶ ‫שׁלָשׁ ֵאלֶּה )א י ַ ֲע‬ ְ ‫יא ְו ִאם‬ .‫לָהּ ְויָצְאָה ִחנָּם ֵאין ָכּסֶף‬ .‫ מח‬:‫תלמוד בבלי כתובות מז‬ Said Rava: The following Tanna is of the opinion that maintenance is a Biblical duty. For it was taught: She'erah refers to maintenance, for so it is said in Scripture, “Who also eat the she'er of my people” (Micah 3). Ksutah - her raiment [is to be understood] according to its ordinary meaning. Onatah refers to the time for conjugal duty prescribed in the Torah, for so it is said in Scripture, If than shalt afflict (t’aneh) my daughters (Bereishit 31:50). ‫ האי תנא סבר מזונות‬:‫אמר רבא‬ ‫ שארה‬+‫שמות כ"א‬+ :‫ דתניא‬,‫מדאורייתא‬ +'‫מיכה ג‬+ :‫ וכן הוא אומר‬,‫אלו מזונות‬ ;‫ואשר אכלו שאר עמי; כסותה כמשמעו‬ ‫ וכן הוא‬,‫עונתה זו עונה האמורה בתורה‬ ‫ אם תענה את‬+‫בראשית ל"א‬+ :‫אומר‬ .‫בנותי‬ R. Eleazar said: She'erah refers to the prescribed time for conjugal duty, for so it is said in Scripture, None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin (she’er) to him to uncover their nakedness (Vayikra 18). Ksutah- 'Her raiment' [is to be taken] according to its literal meaning; Onatah refers to maintenance, for so it is said in Scripture, And he afflicted thee (va-yenkha), and suffered thee to hunger (Devarim 8:3). ‫ וכן‬,‫ שארה זו עונה‬:‫רבי אלעזר אומר‬ ‫ איש איש אל כל‬+‫ויקרא י"ח‬+ :‫הוא אומר‬ ;‫שאר בשרו לא תקרבו לגלות ערוה‬ ,‫כסותה כמשמעו; עונתה אלו מזונות‬ ‫ ויענך‬+'‫דברים ח‬+ :‫וכן הוא אומר‬ .‫וירעיבך‬ R. Eliezer ben Yaakov interpreted: She’erah kesutah, [imply]: Provide her with raiment according to her age, viz. that a man shall not provide his old wife [with the raiment] of a young one nor his young wife with that of an old one. Kesutah ve-Onatah [imply]: Provide her with raiment according to the season of the year, viz. ‫ שארה כסותה‬:‫רבי אליעזר בן יעקב אומר‬ ‫ שלא יתן לה לא‬,‫לפום שארה תן כסותה‬ ;‫של ילדה לזקינה ולא של זקינה לילדה‬ ,‫כסותה ועונתה לפום עונתה תן כסותה‬ 6 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School that he shall not give her new raiment in the summer nor worn out raiment in the winter. ‫שלא יתן חדשים בימות החמה ולא שחקים‬ .‫בימות הגשמים‬ R. Joseph taught: She’erah implies closeness of flesh, viz., that he must not treat her in the manner of the Persians who perform their conjugal duties in their clothes. This provides support for [a ruling of] R. Huna who stated that a husband who said, ‘I will not [perform conjugal duties] unless she wears her clothes and I mine,’ must divorce her and give her also her ketubah. ‫ שלא‬,‫ שארה זו קרוב בשר‬:‫תני רב יוסף‬ ‫ שמשמשין‬,‫ינהג בה מנהג פרסיים‬ ,‫ מסייע ליה לרב הונא‬.‫מטותיהן בלבושיהן‬ ‫ האומר אי אפשי אלא אני‬:‫דאמר רב הונא‬ .‫בבגדי והיא בבגדה יוציא ונותן כתובה‬ 16. Ramban, Commentary to Shemot 21:9 Therefore, I say that the explanation of she’er in all places is the flesh that cleaves and is closest to a person’s own flesh. This derives from the meaning she’ar – the rest, as if to say, the rest of his flesh, other than the flesh of his own body. Thus relatives are referred to as she’er, “To all the she’er of his flesh”, (Vayikra 18:6), “She is his she’er” (ibid.17). Similar to the verses “But you are my bones and my flesh” (Bereishit 29:14), “And half his flesh is consumed” (Bamidbar 12:12)… And the woman is called she’er of the husband… and that is based on the verse, “And he shall cleave to his wife and they shall be one flesh” (Bereishit 12:24). Thus, sh’era means the closeness of her flesh, and ksuta means her bedclothes, as it says, “Because that is his only ksut- garment – with what shall he sleep?” (Devarim 22:26). And onatah refers to time, that he shall come onto her at the time of lovemaking. Now if the explanation of she’er is flesh, like the commentators explain, we will also explain that “her she’er shall not be diminished” means that he shall not withhold from her her flesh, that is to say, the flesh she is entitled to, and that is the flesh of her husband, which becomes with her as one flesh. The sense of the verse if that if he takes another wide, the closeness of her flesh and her bedclothes and her time of lovemaking he should not withhold from her, because that is the statute of women (lit. daughters). And the reason for this prohibition is that the new wife should not be sitting on a honorable bed, where they will be there as one flesh, and the first wife will be treated as a concubine, sleeping with him only casually (lit. by chance) and on the floor, like one who comes onto a prostitute. Thus the verse prohibits this. And so our Sages have explained, “She’erah implies closeness of the flesh, viz., that he must not treat her in the manner of the Persians who perform their conjugal duties in their clothes.” This is a correct explanation, because it is the way of Scripture in all places to refer to matters of sex with clean and short terms, and thus it says with these matters obliquely: she’era, ksuta, vi’onatah, to refer to the three matters that a man conducts with his wife at the time of their union. This is consistent with the halakha [that only conjugal duties are Biblical], and maintenance and clothing must be provided by Rabbinical enactment. ‫רמב"ן שמות פרק כא פסוק ט‬ ‫ולכך אני אומר כי פירוש שאר בכל‬ ‫מקום בשר הדבק והקרוב לבשרו של‬ ‫ כלומר שאר‬,‫ נגזר מלשון שאר‬,‫האדם‬ ‫ ויקראו‬.‫ מלבד בשר גופו‬,‫בשרו‬ ‫ אל כל שאר בשרו‬,‫הקרובים שאר‬ ‫ כענין‬,(‫ שארה הנה )שם יז‬,(‫)ויקרא יח ו‬ ,(‫אך עצמי ובשרי אתה )בראשית כט יד‬ ...(‫ויאכל חצי בשרו )במדבר יב יב‬ ‫ והוא מן‬...‫ותקרא האשה שאר לבעל‬ ‫הענין שאמר ודבק באשתו והיו לבשר‬ ‫ והנה שארה קרוב‬.(‫אחד )בראשית ב כד‬ ‫ כמו‬,‫ וכסותה כסות מטתה‬.‫בשרה‬ ‫שנאמר )להלן כב כו( כי היא כסותו‬ ‫ ועונתה הוא עונה‬.‫לבדה במה ישכב‬ :‫שיבא אליה לעת דודים‬ ‫ואם יהיה פירוש שאר כמו בשר כדברי‬ ,‫ ג"כ נפרש שארה לא יגרע‬...‫המפרשים‬ ‫ כלומר הבשר‬,‫שלא ימנע ממנו בשרה‬ ‫ והוא בשר הבעל אשר הוא‬,‫הראוי לה‬ .‫עמה לבשר אחד‬ ‫ קרוב‬,‫ שאם יקח אחרת‬,‫וענין הכתוב‬ ‫בשרה של זו וכסות מטתה ועת דודיה לא‬ ,‫ והטעם‬.‫ כי כן משפט הבנות‬,‫יגרע ממנה‬ ‫שלא תהיה האחרת יושבת לו על מטה‬ ‫ וזו עמו‬,‫כבודה והיו שם לבשר אחד‬ ‫כפילגש ישכב עמה בדרך מקרה ועל‬ ‫ ולכן מנעו‬,‫הארץ כבא אל אשה זונה‬ ‫ וכך אמרו חכמים )כתובות‬.‫הכתוב מזה‬ ‫ שלא ינהג‬,‫מח א( שארה זו קרוב בשר‬ ‫בה כמנהג פרסיים שמשמשין מטותיהן‬ .‫בלבושיהן‬ ‫ כי דרך הכתוב בכל‬,‫וזה פירוש נכון‬ ‫מקום להזכיר המשכב בלשון נקי‬ ‫ ולכן אמר באלו ברמז שארה‬,‫ובקצור‬ 7 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School ‫ על שלשת הענינים אשר‬,‫כסותה ועונתה‬ ‫ ויבא זה כהוגן‬.‫לאדם עם אשתו בחבורן‬ ‫ ויהיו המזונות ומלבושי‬,‫על דין ההלכה‬ :‫האשה תקנה מדבריהם‬ 17. Sheiltot, Mishpatim, Sheilta 60 (R. Acha MiShavcha Gaon, 8th C) ‫שאילתות פרשת‬ ‫משפטים שאילתא ס‬ R. Eliezer ben Yaakov interpreted: She’era, kesuta [imply]: Provide her with raiment according to her age, viz., that a man shall not provide his old wife [with the raiment] of a young one nor his young wife with that of an old one. Kesuta ve-Onatah [imply:] Provide her with raiment according to the season of the year, viz., that he shall not give her new raiment in the summer nor worn out raiment in the winter… From this we can infer that R. Eliezer ben Yaakov interprets the entire verse to be referring to clothing; conjugal duties do not need a verse; maintenance is a rabbinic enactment. 18. Sefer ha-Mitzvot Katan, Mitzvah 285 (R. Yitzchak of Corbeil, France, 13th C) The mitzvah [for a man] to make his wife happy [or, to give pleasure to his wife], as it states, “And he shall make happy the wife that he has taken” (Devarim 24:5). There is connected to this positive commandment a negative prohibition, namely, “He shall not diminish her onah” (Shemot 21:9). Now, how great is this mitzvah! For behold the Torah exempted him from going to the army [for its sake], and even if his wife is pregnant, it is a mitzvah to make her happy if he understands that she is desirous of this, and he hs the strength to perform… 19. Tosafot, Ketubot 47b s.v. Im If you afflict my daughters – and if you were to ask, that to the contrary, from this verse it implies that onatah does not refer to the regular time of sex, inasmuch as in Yoma (87a) we state that, ‘if you afflict (ta’aneh) my daughters’ means that he should not withhold sex from there. From this verse, then, we learn that withholding onself from sex is considered an affliction [for Yom Kippur, and thus ta’aneh means to afflict]. One can answer, that such is the sense of the verse – her onah should not be diminished, i.e., that thing that the withholding of it causes affliction, and that refers to sShemot ‫רבי אליעזר בן יעקב אומר‬ ‫שארה כסותה לפום שארה‬ ‫תן כסותה שלא יתן של‬ ‫ילדה לזקנה ושל זקינה‬ ‫לילדה כסותה ועונתה לפום‬ ‫עונה תן כסותה שלא יתן‬ ‫חדשים בימות החמה‬ ‫ושחוקים בימות הגשמים‬ ‫…אלמא קסבר רבי אליעזר‬ ‫בן יעקב כוליה קרא בכסות‬ ‫משתעי עונה לא צריכא‬ .‫קרא מזונות תקנתא דרבנן‬ ‫ספר מצוות קטן מצוה רפה‬ ‫לשמח את אשתו כדכתיב )דברים‬ ‫ יש‬,‫כ"ד( ושמח את אשתו אשר לקח‬ ‫ שנאמר ועונתה לא‬,‫בעשה זה לאו‬ ‫ והנה כמה גדולה המצוה הזאת‬,‫יגרע‬ (‫שהרי פטרתו תורה )סמ"ג לאוין ר"ל‬ ‫ ואפי' אשתו מעוברת‬,‫מליצא בצבא‬ ‫מצוה לשמחה אם סבור הוא שהיא‬ ‫ ויש בו בריאות לעשות )ש"ע‬,‫מתאוה‬ …(‫א"ח סי' ר"מ חייב לפוקדה‬ ‫ ד"ה‬:‫תוספות מסכת כתובות מז‬ ‫אם‬ ‫אם תענה את בנותי ואם תאמר‬ ‫דאדרבה מהאי קרא משמע דעונתה‬ ‫לאו היינו עונה של תשמיש דבפרק‬ ‫( משמע אם‬.‫בתרא דיומא )דף עז‬ ‫תענה את בנותי היינו שימנע מהן‬ ‫תשמיש דמהאי קרא נפקא לן דמניעת‬ ‫תשמיש המטה קרוי עינוי ויש לומר‬ ‫דה"נ קאמר קרא עונתה לא יגרע דבר‬ ‫שהוא כעינוי כשמונעו ממנה דהיינו‬ 8 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School .‫תשמיש‬ 20. Mishna Ketubot 5:6 ‫ו‬:‫משנה מסכת כתובות פרק ה‬ If a man forbade himself by vow to have intercourse with his wife, Beit Shammai ruled: [this is allowed if it does not exceed] two weeks; Beit Hillel ruled: [only for] one week. ‫המדיר את אשתו מתשמיש המטה ב"ש אומרים‬ ‫שתי שבתות בית הלל אומרים שבת אחת‬ Students may go away to study the Torah, without the permission [of their wives for a period of] thirty days; laborers [only for] one week. ‫התלמידים יוצאין לתלמוד תורה שלא ברשות‬ ‫שלשים יום הפועלים שבת אחת העונה האמורה‬ ‫בתורה‬ The times for conjugal duty prescribed in the Torah are: for men of indulgence, every day; for laborers, twice a week; for ass-drivers, once a week; for camel-drivers, once in thirty days; for sailors, once in six months. These are the rulings of R. Eliezer. ‫הטיילין בכל יום הפועלים שתים בשבת החמרים‬ ‫אחת בשבת הגמלים אחת לשלשים יום הספנים‬ :‫אחת לששה חדשים דברי רבי אליעזר‬ 21. Law, Sex, and Christian Society in Medieval Europe, James Brundage, University of Chicago Press, Chicago, 1987, pages 92-93 Christian authorities warned married couples that they should have sex only for proper reasons. Augustine pointed to the Old Testament prophets as examples for married persons of his own generation. The prophets, he claimed, made love to their wives rationally and solely for procreative purposes. Since marital sex is a favor, not a right, couples should avoid making love merely for enjoyment or because they felt like it. Only propagation of the species, Augustine warned, entitled them to make use of the marital privileges blamelessly. But while Augustine and his contemporaries cautioned against intercourse for pleasure, they also reminded their married hearers that they were obliged to give their spouses sex on demand. The marital debt was a right that either party could claim. The partner from whom it was demanded must accede to the spouse's request, and doing so was no sin. The other partner might sin in asking payment of the sexual debt for wrongful reasons or at inappropriate times, but the spouse who complied did not share the guilt. If a couple agreed by mutual consent to cease having sexual relations and one of them later had a change of mind, however, the other party had no obligation to honor a demand for the resumption of marital intercourse. A mutual decision to forego sexual relations canceled the marital debt, and neither party could thenceforth rescind that decision. The marital debt created a parity of rights and obligations between spouses. Each had an equal right to demand that it be paid; each had an equal obligation to comply with the other's demands. Equality of the sexes in marriage meant equality in the marriage bed, but not outside of it. Just as each spouse was entitled to sexual service from the other on demand, so each was entitled to require sexual fidelity from the other. Neither had a right to seek sexual fulfillment outside of marriage, even if the other party was, for example, absent or ill and thus sexually unavailable. C. Li-Sameah et Ishto – the Woman’s Needs and Desires 22. Masekhet Kallah, Chapter 1 [21] What should a man do so that he has rich sons [other versions: so that he has sons]? He should do the desires of Heaven and the desires of his wife. These are the desires of Heaven: he should squander his money to the poor… [22] ‫מסכתות קטנות מסכת כלה פרק א‬ ,‫]כא[ מה יעשה אדם ויהיו בניו עשירים‬ ‫ ואלו הן חפצי‬.‫יעשה חפצי שמים וחפצי אשתו‬ ...‫ יפזר מעותיו לעניים‬,‫שמים‬ ‫ ר' אליעזר אומר‬,‫]כב[ אלו הן חפצי אשתו‬ 9 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School These are the desires of his wife: R. Eliezer says he should seduce her at the time of sShemot R. Yehudah says he should make her happy at the time of sex with the matter of the mitzvah, as it states, “One who observes the mitzvah will know no evil.” 23. Bavli, Pesahim 72b Now [according to] R. Yochanan, wherein does his yebamah differ? Because he performed a religious duty! [Then in the case of] his wife too he performed a religious duty. It refers to his wife when she is pregnant. But there is the giving of pleasure of the periodical visit (onah)! It was not at the time of her periodical visit. But Rava said: A man is bound to please his wife with a mitzvah? It was near her [menstruation] date (veset)… 24. Rashi, ad. loc. To give pleasure to his wife – even not during the regular period of onah, if he sees that she so desires. 25. Bavli, Yevamot 62b ‫ ר' יהודה אומר‬,‫יפתה אותה בשעת תשמיש‬ ‫ שנאמר‬,‫ישמחנה בשעת תשמיש בדבר מצוה‬ .‫שומר מצוה לא ידע דבר רע‬ :‫תלמוד בבלי פסחים עב‬ ‫ מאי שנא יבמתו דקא עביד‬,‫ורבי יוחנן‬ ‫ אשתו נמי קא עביד מצוה! באשתו‬,‫מצוה‬ .‫מעוברת‬ ‫והא איכא שמחת עונה! שלא בשעת‬ .‫עונתה‬ ‫ חייב אדם לשמח אשתו בדבר‬:‫והאמר רבא‬ ...‫מצוה! סמוך לווסתה‬ :‫רש"י פסחים עב‬ ‫לשמח את אשתו אפילו שלא בשעת‬ .‫ אם רואה שמתאוית לו‬,‫עונתה‬ :‫תלמוד בבלי יבמות סב‬ R. Yehoshua b. Levi said: Whosoever knows his wife to be a God-fearing woman and does not duly visit her is called a sinner; for it is said, “And you shall know that thy tent is in peace.” ‫ כל היודע באשתו שהיא‬:‫אמר ריב"ל‬ ,‫יראת שמים ואינו פוקדה נקרא חוטא‬ .'‫ וידעת כי שלום אהלך וגו‬:‫שנאמר‬ R. Yehoshua b. Levi further stated: It is a man’s duty to pay a visit to his wife when he starts on a journey; for it is said, “And though shalt know that thy tent is in peace etc.” Is this deduced from here? Surely it is deduced from the following: “And they desire shall be to thy husband” teaches that a woman yearns for her husband when he sets out on a journey. Rav Yosef replied, ‘The verse is needed to teach that one is obligated even when it is near the time of the wife’s expected menstruation…’ ‫ חייב אדם לפקוד את אשתו‬:‫ואמר ריב"ל‬ ‫ וידעת כי‬:'‫ שנא‬,‫בשעה שהוא יוצא לדרך‬ ‫ הא מהכא נפקא? מהתם‬.'‫שלום אהלך וגו‬ ,‫ ואל אישך תשוקתך מלמד‬:‫נפקא‬ ‫שהאשה משתוקקת על בעלה בשעה‬ !‫שהוא יוצא לדרך‬ .‫ לא נצרכה אלא סמוך לווסתה‬.‫א"ר יוסף‬ 26. Bavli, Berakhot 24a R. Hamnuna the son of R. Yosef said: Once when I was standing before Rava he said to me: Go and bring me my tefillin, and I found them between the mattress and the pillow, not just opposite his head, and I knew that it was a day of immersion [for his wife], and I perceived that he sent me in order to impress upon me a practical lesson. 27. Bavli, Eruvin 100b R. Shemuel b. Nahmani citing R. Yochanan stated: A woman who solicits her husband to the mitzvah act will have children the like .‫תלמוד בבלי ברכות כד‬ ‫ זימנא‬:‫אמר רב המנונא בריה דרב יוסף‬ :‫חדא הוה קאימנא קמיה דרבא ואמר לי‬ ‫ ואשכחתינהו בין כר‬.‫זיל אייתי לי תפילין‬ ‫ והוה ידענא דיום‬,‫לכסת שלא כנגד ראשו‬ ‫ ולאגמורן הלכה למעשה הוא‬,‫טבילה הוה‬ .‫דעבד‬ :‫תלמוד בבלי עירובין ק‬ ‫אמר רבי שמואל בר נחמני אמר רבי‬ ‫ כל אשה שתובעת בעלה לדבר‬:‫יוחנן‬ 10 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School of whom did not exist even in the generation of Moshe… But can that be right? Seeing that R. Yitshak b. Abdimi stated: Chava was cursed with ten curses, since it is written: “Unto the woman He said, and I will greatly mutiply” which refers to the two drops of blood, one being that of menstruation and the other that of virginity, ‘your pain’ refers to the pain of bringing up children, ‘and your travail’ refers to the pain of conception, ‘in pain thou shall bring forth children’ is to be understood in its literal meaning, ‘and thy desire shall be to thy husband’ teaches that a woman yearns for her husband when he is about to set out on a journey, ‘and he shall rule over you teaches that while the wife solicits with her heart the husband does so with his mouth, this being a fine trait of character among women? – What was meant is that she ingratiates herself with (or, she indicates her desire to) him. 28. Responsa Achiezer 3:83 (R. Chaim Ozer Grodansky, early 20th C) “But doesn’t Rava say that a person is obligated to make his wife happy/give her pleasure even not during the fixed period” (Pesahim 72b)…And perhaps the man fulfills the mitzvah of onah, but he is not obligated to the mitzvah (under these circumstances). ‫מצוה הווין לה בנים שאפילו בדורו של‬ ...‫משה לא היו כמותן‬ ‫ עשר‬:‫איני? והאמר רב יצחק בר אבדימי‬ ‫בראשית‬+ ‫ דכתיב‬,‫קללות נתקללה חוה‬ ‫ אל האשה אמר הרבה ארבה אלו‬+'‫ג‬ ‫ אחת דם נדה ואחת דם‬,‫שני טפי דמים‬ ,‫ עצבונך זה צער גידול בנים‬.‫בתולים‬ ‫ בעצב תלדי‬,‫והרנך זה צער העיבור‬ ‫ ואל אישך תשוקתך‬.‫בנים כמשמעו‬ ‫מלמד שהאשה משתוקקת על בעלה בשעה‬ ‫ והוא ימשל בך מלמד‬.‫שיוצא לדרך‬ ,‫ והאיש תובע בפה‬,‫שהאשה תובעת בלב‬ ‫ כי קאמרינן‬.‫זו היא מדה טובה בנשים‬ .‫דמרצייא ארצויי קמיה‬ ‫שו"ת אחיעזר חלק ג סימן פג‬ ‫והאמר רבא חייב אדם לשמח את אשתו‬ ‫ ואולי לדבריו‬...‫אפילו שלא בשעת עונתה‬ ‫ אבל חיוב‬,‫מצות עונה מדאורייתא מקיים‬ .‫מן התורה ליכא‬ 29. She’elat Yaavetz, 2:10 (R. Yaakov Emden, 18th Century, Germany) ‫שו"ת שאילת יעבץ חלק ב סימן י‬ But regarding the onah of the night following her immersion – this is a biblical obligation, as we learn from Scripture, that a man is obligated to “visit” his wife when she yearns for him. And even not during the fixed time for onah…. ‫ חיוב דאורייתא היא‬.'‫אבל עונת טבילת‬ ‫ כדילפינן מקרא דחייב לפקוד‬.'‫הפקיד‬ ‫ ואפילו‬.‫אשתו בשעה שמשתוקקת אליו‬ ...‫שלא בזמן עונה קבועה‬ 30. Iggrot Moshe, Even HaEzer, 3:28 (R. Moshe Feinstein, 20th C) In my humble opinion, it appears that the primary obligation of onah is when the husband sees that she desires him… [quotes from Ra’avad] – thus we see that he explains the verse in this manner, that “her onah he should not diminish” means that he must make her happy/give her pleasure when he sees that she is desirous of him, and similarly when he is leaving on a trip, as R. Yehuda ben Levi says (Yebamot 62) that a man must “visit” his wife, because when she yearns for him, there certainly is a Biblical obligation… Thus, we see that when the woman is yearning and desirous, that creates the Biblical mitzvah of onah, and it stands to reason that this is the primary mitzvah of onah. And this is explicit in the language of Ra’avad… But because most women are modest and their desire is not always so evident, because there are many men who will not recognize that their wives are sending them signals ‫אגרות משה חלק אה"ע ג סימן כח‬ ‫ולענ"ד היה נראה דעיקר העונה הוא בשעה‬ ‫שרואה הבעל שהיא משתוקקת אל בעלה‬ ‫ אלמא שמפרש כן הקרא דועונתה לא‬... ‫יגרע על זה שחייב לשמחה בשעה שרואה‬ ‫ וכן ביוצא לדרך שאמר‬,‫שמתאוית לו‬ ‫ריב"ל ביבמות דף ס"ב דחייב לפוקדה‬ ‫מטעם זה שהאשה משתוקקת שהוא ודאי‬ ....‫חיוב מדאורייתא‬ ‫כיון דחזינן שמה שהאשה מתאוית‬ ,‫ומשתוקקת עושה חיוב עונה מדאורייתא‬ ,‫מסתבר שזהו עיקר חיוב העונה שבתורה‬ ‫ אבל מחמת‬...‫וכן מפורש בלשון הראב"ד‬ ‫דרוב הנשים הן צנועות ולא ניכר כל כך‬ 11 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School for this… the Sages established fixed times, assessing not only the strength of the man but also the mindset of the women, that most of them will not desire more than this knowing the burden of the husband. And with men of leisure who have the strength and time every day, perhaps they assessed that woman, knowing this, will be desirous every day. Rather, the explanation is that she will think that if he really loved her, he definitely would want to be having sex with her (daily), because she knows that a man has even more desire, even more than a woman, as is explained in Ketubot 64… Thus, she will think that it is because he does not love her (that he does not want to have sex with her), and she have great anguish over this, perhaps more than the actual absence of sex Thus, the Rabbis obligated him every day, although it is not very common that a woman would have desire to have sex every day. ‫רצונם שיש אנשים הרבה שלא יכירו שהיא‬ ...‫מתאוה לזה ע"י עניני חבה שמראה לפניו‬ ‫קבעו חכמים זמנים שאמדו לבד כח האיש‬ ‫אלא גם דעת הנשים שרובן לא ישתוקקו‬ ‫ ובטיילין שיש‬.‫ליותר בידעם בטרדת הבעל‬ ‫לו כח וגם זמן בכל יום אולי אמדו שהאשה‬ ‫בידעה ג"כ שיש לו כח וזמן תהא‬ ‫ אך זה לא מסתבר‬,‫משתוקקת בכל יום‬ ‫לכאורה שתהא משתוקקת בכל יום אלא‬ ‫הוא מטעם אחר מחמת שתחשוב שודאי אם‬ ‫ דהרי יודעת‬,‫היה אוהבה היה מזדקק לה‬ ‫שגם האיש יש לו תאוה ועוד יתירה‬ ‫ שלכן‬...‫מהאשה כמפורש בכתובות דף ס"ד‬ ‫תחשוב שהוא מחמת שאינו אוהבה ותצטער‬ ‫מזה הרבה אולי עוד יותר מעצם מניעת‬ ‫התשמיש ולכן חייבו בכל יום אף שהוא‬ ‫דבר שלא מצוי כל כך שתהא אשה‬ .‫משתוקקת בכל יום‬ 31. “Lived Regulation, Systemic Attributions: Menstrual Separation and Ritual Immersion in the Experience of Orthodox Jewish Women,” Tova Hartman and Naomi Marmon, Gender and Society, 18:3, pp. 402-3. In addition to respecting their desire to be nonsexual, the halakhic framework, according to many of our informants, sanctions women’s sexual desires within the framework of marriage. The Torah (Shemot 21:10) charges every married man with the mitzvah of onah, that is, the commandment to provide his wife with her conjugal rights. Thus, the halakhic system establishes a sexual sphere within marriage that is distinct from procreation and encourages women to expect, demand, and enjoy an active and vital sexual relationship with their spouses… A woman can also initiate physical things. It’s good to say that I want this or that, especially because the woman is supposed to enjoy. In fact, the husband is not fulfilling his commandment of onah if you don’t enjoy. So that means that if you want sex, or whatever, then he has to agree, and you have the right to ask for it. (Yael). Contrary to Freud’s (1963) image of the silent and passive woman sexual partner, because of the mitzvah of onah, Yael feels as though “she has the right to ask” when she wants sex. Sarah echoed this sentiment: “Whatever a woman wants is the obligation of the husband. I remember that they spoke to us about how important it is that a woman should also enjoy.” This halakhic premium on women’s sexual fulfillment can be seen as a stark challenge to broad-based claims that religion represses women sexually and that women’s pleasure is achieved through surrender, passivity, and recognition of themselves as sexual objects (Nicholson, 1994). Jane concurred that this element of niddah affirms, very practically and directly, her own needs within the sexual relationship and validates a woman’s rights to sexual fulfillment and desire more generally: The general feeling of the mitzvah of onah makes me feel that the tradition goes against the idea that sex is all about him and his needs… The mikveh joins the larger value of what does she need, what does the woman deserve. Just as our informant above felt that the tradition speaks with them in validating their “no” voice within their sexual relationships, similarly, these women felt that it “joins” their “I want/I need/I desire” voice – another voice traditionally silenced by men’s power. Their sexual fulfillment is validated and underwritten by a patriarchal tradition that in this instance stands and speaks unequivocally with them, demanding of its men participants, as a requirement of membership in good standing that they listen. 12 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School The woman’s pleasure 32. Bavli, Niddah 31a R. Yitzchak in the name of R. Ami said: If the woman gives seed first, she gives birth to a male, and if the man gives seed first – she gives birth to a female, as it states: “A woman who gives seed and gives birth to a male” (Vayikra 12:2). 33. Bavli, Niddah 70b-71a What must a man do that he may have male children? He replied: He shall marry a wife that is worthy of him and sanctify himself at the time of marital intercourse. Did not many, they said to him, act in this manner but it did not avail them? — Rather, let him pray for mercy from Him to whom are the children, for it is said, Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward. (Tehillim 127:7). What then does he teach us? That one without the other does not suffice. What is exactly meant by ‘the fruit of the womb is a reward’? — R. Hama son of R. Hanina replied: As a reward for containing oneself during intercourse in the womb, in order that one's wife may emit the semen first, the Holy One, blessed be He, gives one the reward of the fruit of the womb. 34. Rashi, ad. loc. ‘And sanctify himself’ – to have sex with modesty. ‘That they tarry’ – from ejaculating the semen. 35. Sefer HaYashar of Rabbenu Tam, no. 45 It seems to me that this “visitation” [that a husband must pay his wife before he leaves on a trip] does not refer exclusively to intercourse. Rather, when he wants to leave on a trip, if he is physically distant from her ,he should not leave until he returns to her and “visits” her – either with intercourse or with other needs. 36. Tosafot Yebamot 62b, s.v. Chayav A man must “visit” his wife – Rabbenu Tam says that this “visitation” is not intercourse, but rather when he [the husband] wants to leave on a trip, if he is physically distant from her, he should not leave on his trip unless he returns to her and “visits” her – either with intercourse or with other matters, and speaks to her heart… .‫תלמוד בבלי נדה דף לא‬ ‫ אשה מזרעת‬:‫אמר רבי יצחק אמר רבי אמי‬ ‫ איש מזריע תחילה‬,‫תחילה יולדת זכר‬ ‫ אשה‬+‫ויקרא י"ב‬+ ‫ שנאמר‬,‫יולדת נקבה‬ .‫כי תזריע וילדה זכר‬ .‫ עא‬:‫תלמוד בבלי נדה דף ע‬ ‫מה יעשה אדם ויהיו לו בנים זכרים? אמר‬ ‫ ויקדש עצמו‬,‫ ישא אשה ההוגנת לו‬:‫להם‬ ‫ הרבה עשו כן ולא‬:‫ אמרו‬.‫בשעת תשמיש‬ ‫ יבקש רחמים ממי שהבנים‬:‫הועילו! אלא‬ '‫ הנה נחלת ה‬+‫תהלים קכ"ז‬+ ‫ שנאמר‬,‫שלו‬ ‫ מאי קא משמע לן‬.‫בנים שכר פרי הבטן‬ ?‫ מאי שכר פרי הבטן‬.‫דהא בלא הא לא סגי‬ ‫ בשכר שמשהין‬:‫א"ר חמא ברבי חנינא‬ ‫עצמן בבטן כדי שתזריע אשתו תחילה‬ .‫נותן לו הקב"ה שכר פרי הבטן‬ ‫רש"י שם‬ .‫ויקדש עצמו לשמש בצניעות‬ .‫שמשהין להוציא את הזרע‬ ‫ ס' מ"ה‬,‫ספר הישר לרבינו תם‬ ‫נראה לי פקידה זו לאו דווקא תשמיש אלא‬ ‫כשרוצה לצאת בדרך אם הוא רחוק ממנה‬ ‫לא יצא לדרך אא"כ ישוב אליה ויפקדנה או‬ ‫בתשמיש או בשאר צרכים‬ ‫ ד"ה חייב‬:‫תוספות מסכת יבמות סב‬ ‫חייב אדם לפקוד את אשתו אומר ר"ת‬ ‫דפקידה זו אינו תשמיש אלא כשהוא רוצה‬ ‫לצאת בדרך אם הוא רחוק ממנה לא יצא‬ ‫לדרך אא"כ ישוב אליה ויפקדנה או‬ ‫בתשמיש או בשאר דברים וידבר על לבה‬ 13 Sex and Halakha – Part I: Onah - The Mitzvah of Marital Sex Rabbi Dov Linzer, YCT Rabbinical School 37. Shulhan Arukh, Yoreh De’ah, 184:10 One who wants to leave on a trip, must “visit” his wife, even during the time prior to the expected onset of her menstruation. Gloss of the Rema: In this case, it is even permitted to have intercourse [during this period]. However, one who is strict not to “visit” her [with sex, buth] only with words of appeasement, shall be blessed. And it has already been explained that all types of [sexual] contact and expressions of love are permitted [during this time], with the exception of intercourse. '‫י‬:‫שולחן ערוך יורה דעה קפד‬ ‫הרוצה לצאת לדרך צריך לפקוד אשתו‬ .‫אפילו סמוך לוסתה‬ ‫ )טור בשם י"א‬.‫ ואפילו בתשמיש שרי‬:‫הגה‬ '‫וב"י בשם רש"י וראב"ד ורשב"א ור‬ ‫ ומ"מ המחמיר שלא לפקדה רק‬.(‫ירוחם‬ ‫ וכבר‬.(‫ תע"ב )ב"י בשם סמ"ג‬,‫בדברי רצוי‬ ‫ מלבד‬,‫נתבאר דכל מיני קורבה ואהבה שרי‬ .‫תשמיש‬ 14