1. health and fitness
2. disorders
3. mental disorder
4. panic and anxiety

Long Distance Relationships
Copyright © 2011 Bob Grant
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~ Table of Contents ~
INTRODUCTION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
What Makes a Long Distance Relationship
So Difficult. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Facts About Long Distance Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
Every Interaction is Magnified . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10
Be Prepared: At Times It’s Going to be Lonely . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
The Emotion Stages of a Long Distance
Relationship. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
Stage 1-Excitement and Infatuation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
Stage 2-Loneliness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
Stage 3-Resentment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
Stage 4- Detachment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
The Two Types of long Distance Relationships . . . . . . . . . 22
Paraphrase What Your Partner Just Said . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
Try and Guess Your Partner’s Feelings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Have Frequent Conversations With Your Partner . . . . . . . . . 27
Be Curious When You Communicate With
Your Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
“Tell Me More” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
Be Careful About Asking For Things That Your
Partner Can’t Deliver. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30
Knowing Their Love Trigger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
Verbal Affirmation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
Spending Quality Time Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
Receiving Gifts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
Acts of Service . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
Physical Touch Language . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
Chapter 5
Surefire Ways to Make Departures and
Arrivals Special... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
Chapter 6
The Most Meaningful Care Packages You Could
Ever Send a Lover . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
Chapter 7
Simple and Powerful Suggestions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
When you are talking on the phone, smile as much
as possible . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
Never allow your partner to take you for granted. . . . . . . . . . 43
When it comes to intentions, give them the benefit
of the doubt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44
Treat a long distance relationship like a marathon . . . . . . . . 45
Bonus Chapter
What if My Partner is Keeping Us Apart? And
You’re Tired of Waiting? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Is the reason for your living apart work-related?. . . . . . . . . . . 47
Are there family members that hinder the possibility
of moving? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Are there health reasons that prohibit either of you
from moving?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
If You’re Tired of Waiting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
What do you want in your relationship? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
How long have you been a couple? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
Are you enabling? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51
Would you be willing to accommodate your partner’s
reason for not living in the same town?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52
You decide that the relationship must change for it
to continue? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52
You must be willing to risk losing your partner if
those changes do not occur . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .52
Creating a Sense of Urgency . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
Summary Yes, it’s Worth It!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
~ INTRODUCTION ~
I
didn’t intend to marry a girl from California. I mean, I lived
across the country and had a counseling practice in Atlanta,
Georgia that I had spent 10 years cultivating. Yet, I was hooked. The
woman I loved lived 2500 miles away and the worst part was, I hated to
fly. Yet no matter how much I tried to rationalize the impracticality of my
dilemma, it was no use. I was in love and about to begin the mother of all
long distance relationships. She owned a cookie store, so it wasn’t an option
for her to simply pack up her bags and leave either. For the next 6 months,
I was going to have to brace myself for the highs and the lows, the doubts
and the thrills that define every long distance relationship, and that’s just
what we did. We survived our separation. Now 12 years and 4 children
later, I can tell you it was worth the struggle.
If you’re in a long distance relationship then you know exactly how my
wife and I felt. To say it was exhausting would be an understatement, but
what I learned is that it doesn’t have to be that hard. Much of the stress of
your separation can be decreased and even used as a building block for
your future together. If you’re in a long distance relationship right now, I
want you to know that there is hope that your relationship can withstand
the separation. We’re going to go over the dynamics of what makes a long
distance relationship different from a traditional relationship. In addition,
you’ll learn how to make your partner feel special, even when you’re apart.
For example, you’ll learn how to talk to your sweetheart on the phone in
a way that makes them feel understood and appreciated. As you put this
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action plan into place, you and your partner will discover that the time
apart isn’t going to end your relationship, but rather it can actually make it
stronger. If you’re ready, let’s begin!
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~ CHAPTER ONE ~
What Makes a Long
Distance Relationship so
Difficult
T
he toughest thing about a relationship where two people are
separated by distance is that they don’t get the daily physical
interaction that would occur in a “normal relationship.” Time spent
together has the greatest effect on helping a couple bond with one another.
The myriad of interactions that causes couples to grow closer, both the
frustrating events as well as the pleasant surprises, cause intense rushes of
feelings for both partners. When a couple repeatedly shares an emotional
experience, they are biologically drawn to one another. While some things
produce more intense feelings than others, such as sex, frequent and varied
experiences produce a much greater sense of intimacy than the intensity
of a one-time event. This is why it simply isn’t enough to say wonderful
things to one another. To grow as a couple, you must have shared, real-life,
person-to-person experiences.
Engaging in wonderful bonding activities, whether it involves attending a
jazz concert or merely spending an evening alone cuddled up on the sofa
watching TV, requires one thing: time. It just isn’t possible to cram a month
worth of stimulating experiences into one weekend. Time gives the couple
the opportunity to gradually grow closer without having to put pressure on
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making each event “Wonderful” or “Life Changing.”
This is one reason why a long distance relationship can be so hard and
why so many famous Hollywood marriages end in divorce. These splitting
couples often say, “We didn’t see each other that much; we grew apart.”
Chemistry is a wonderful thing, but chemistry alone is not enough. A
relationship must be maintained, fostered, and nurtured, no matter how
wonderful it was in the beginning.
Regardless of how wonderful the phone conversations are or how
endearing the email exchanges may be, spending time apart is going to be
hard on your relationship. A long distance relationship isn’t really going
to be as fulfilling as a relationship where you see each other on a constant
basis. You can, however, continue to foster your love for each other during
the separation, with the ultimate goal being the reunion and a one-on-one
future together.
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Facts About Long Distance
Relationships
Let me define exactly what I mean by the term Long Distance Relationship.
A long-distance relationship (LDR) is typically an intimate relationship
in which a considerable distance separates the partners for an extended
period of time.
There are statistics which capture distance relationships in broad strokes,
but many people will probably find themselves in a bracket of their
own. The Centre for the Study of Long Distance Relationships (where?)
compiled data of over 200 couples (in which year?) which found the
following insights:
Average distance apart: 125 miles
Average number of visits: 1.5 times per month
Average number of phone calls: Once every 2 days
Average length of phone calls: 30 minutes
Average number of letters written (excl. E-mail): 3 letters per month
What are the survival rates of a LDR compared to a traditional
relationship?
While not much research has been done on this subject, one study by the
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (http://spr.sagepub.com/
content/12/2/313.abstract) studied the effect that spending time apart had
on a couple’s relationship. They came to this conclusion: “The amount
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of time a couple spends together does not itself play a central role in
relationship maintenance.” But how can that be? Everyone knows that
spending time apart is difficult on a couple, yet this study claims that this
factor isn’t the cause of a relationship’s success or failure? Actually what
the research shows is something quite interesting. In a LDR, a couple’s
strengths and weaknesses are magnified. If you fight often, you’ll fight
even more frequently when
separated by distance. The
In a LDR, a couple’s strengths and
same applies to patterns of
weaknesses are magnified. If you fight often,
jealousy, fear, unfaithfulness,
you’ll fight even more frequently when
etc. A LDR doesn’t make
separated by distance. The same applies to
or break a couple; it reveals
patterns of jealousy, fear, unfaithfulness, etc.
information about the
partnership. This is excellent news because it means you are in control
of your relationship, not your circumstances. To make use of this
information, let’s go over the dynamics of what makes a LDR different so
you can avoid adding undo pressure onto your relationship.
Every Interaction is Magnified
When interacting with your partner via phone, email, and text, fewer of
your senses are engaged than if you were interacting with him or her in
person. When you see someone in person, you experience him or her
with several of your 5 senses simultaneously. You see them visually, hear
the sound of their voice, and notice and interpret their body language
and hand gestures. You may notice the scent of your partner’s cologne
or perfume, or take note of the way he or she leans nearer when you are
talking about something important to you.
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There’s also another benefit for couples interacting in person. The more
of your senses engaged in interacting with someone, the more likely they
are to “feel” you. What do I mean by that? Couples grow closer through
the process of shared experiences. An important component of those
experiences consists of the feelings associated with them. For example,
you may remember the overwhelming sense of joy you experienced on
your first cruise together as a couple. You may remember the scent of the
fancy whipped coffee you drank together on deck, the feeling of the sun’s
intense heat on your shoulders while you sunbathed together, or the sound
of your partner’s laughing as the two of you learned a new dance together
in the ballroom. You store memories through not only thoughts, but
emotions as well.
In addition to enabling a person to properly interpret another’s intentions,
interacting with multiple senses also does something else: it hastens the
bonding process. Think about all of the visual cues that you notice when
you interact with someone. Pretend that you’re sitting across the table
from your boyfriend and he says something that may or may not be a joke.
You are not entirely sure if he’s being sarcastic or not, so you look for clues
that might indicate whether he’s serious or jesting. Perhaps he smiled
when he said it. He might have even reached out and touched your hand.
When the identical conversation occurs over the phone in a long distance
relationship, you don’t have the advantage of visual cues. You can’t see the
look on his face, you can’t tell the way he tilts his head, and he’s not able
to reach out and touch your hand. It isn’t just what he said; it’s also how
you interpreted it minus visual cues. Couples often don’t take this into
consideration because they believe they know their partner so well that
they couldn’t possibly misinterpret him or her.
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The fewer senses involved, the more each sense gets magnified. It is
because of this factor that is it important for you to be very careful when
having serious discussions over the phone or especially through email.
Absolutely never do it through a text message. Things said in jest can very
easily be taken the wrong way. When you can’t see the person often, the
relationship is going to be more strained. By realizing the challenge you
can avoid putting a strain on your relationship by making assumptions
that may or may not be accurate. Instead, focus your time and energy into
communicating in more effective ways.
Be Prepared: At Times It’s Going
to be Lonely
As a couple progresses from a casual relationship to a more intimate
commitment, something interesting happens in each person’s brain.
Each partner begins to rely upon the other in ways that create a sort
of emotional dependency. When one person has a bad day, it becomes
almost a habit to call his or her partner to discuss the details. If one person
discovers something amusing, it seems only natural to let his or her partner
know the joke. The habit of sharing their thoughts, frustrations, and joys
with each other forms an emotional bond. When the couple is separated,
all of those thoughts feel trapped inside.
While loneliness is a normal part of a LDR, what makes it worse is when
a person stops interacting with other adults. No matter how busy you
are there is no substitute for time spent with others. Invite someone
over, schedule a lunch with a friend or just get out of the house and try
something different every week. If you isolate yourself, your fears will
become magnified, guaranteed. Often individuals ask themselves if it’s
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really worth going through such an excruciatingly painful experience. If
that’s you, then here’s my answer. If you’ve ever thought about leaving, ask
yourself this question: “Do I want to go through life without this person?”
Don’t ask things like: “Why don’t I feel a deep passion right now?” or
“Why can’t I stop feeling this way?” Those questions will only make you
feel worse.
Do you want to live without this person in your life?
A relationship that is full of passion isn’t one that is passionate all the time.
It isn’t possible. Really, it isn’t. An intense relationship has periods where
there really are very few feelings at all. This occurs in much the same way
as you don’t crave your favorite food every meal or feel the same way about
your beautiful car that you did the day you bought it. The newness wears
off - it’s supposed to.
The kind of passion that lasts a lifetime only occurs when couples actually
go through periods of loneliness and doubt. It is during those periods that
couples do the most bonding.
“Can I live without this person?”
You could. You can take steps to end the relationship and find someone
different, but is that new person going to be “better?” They’ll be different,
but do you want to invest and create something new with someone else?
“Do I want to live without this person?”
If you ask that question when you’re lonely, it will either reinforce to you
that this relationship is where your heart is (as it did when I was across the
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country from my love) or you will find your heart emotionally releasing
you from the relationship. The purpose of asking such a repetitive
question is to help you clarify how you truly feel. When you’re confused
about your feelings, what you need more than anything is something
that will help you focus on what’s most important. Rather than trying to
analyze all the different aspects of your relationship, it is better to focus on
what’s most important. By asking the question over and over, you’ll soon
discover the answer that is most important to you.
Can I live without this person?
That’s the question that will make it very clear to you if it’s time to move
on or, if you are like I was in my situation, it will indicate that you are in
love with this person. Therefore, you simply have to find a way to make the
relationship work.
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~ CHAPTER TWO ~
The Emotion Stages of a Long
Distance Relationship
W
hen a couple finds themselves involved in circumstances that
they didn’t anticipate, such as an extended separation, it can
be very helpful to know what emotions they are likely to encounter. Often
each individual feels that his or her feelings are unique, and this causes
this person to question him or herself, his or her partner, or even the
relationship itself.
Below are the most common stages that couples report going though
during the entire process of geographical separation.
Stage 1 - Excitement and
Infatuation
This stage occurs when the couple spends face-to-face time together.
The days leading up to this meeting are often filled with excitement and
anticipation. What each has longed for (being together) is finally going to
happen. Many couples describe these meetings as a mixture of emotions of
both the joy of being together and the reminder of the fact that their time
together is limited. Some would describe these feelings as bittersweet.
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A common mistake is to become enthralled in the intense feelings
during this period and think things such as “If only we were together
permanently, we’d feel like this always.” Be careful if you find yourself in
this situation. It’s easy to make such assumptions when all is going so well,
but you must remember that during such short visits the realities of living
with someone daily often are hidden by the intensity of the moment. This
is followed by...
Stage 2 - Loneliness (although not
limited to Stage 2)
Seasoned military wives will tell you one thing: the first week is the
hardest. The depths of longing and sadness can be overwhelming, and
the smallest thing can leave you an emotional wreck. During the first
weeks of the separation, each
member of the couple misses
the other immensely and is
reminded frequently that he or
she is alone. Even daily activities
serve as reminders of one’s
beloved. Sleeping in the bed
you once shared, eating at your
dining room table, walking the
dog along a favorite path, eating
at a restaurant the two of you
frequented, and even grocery
shopping alone will remind you
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of your partner and the time you shared. Watching chick-flicks and seeing
other couples makes the loneliness almost unbearable at times, so be sure
to know what your tolerance levels are and take it easy those first weeks.
The daily physical interactions an average couple enjoys on a daily basis
are simply not possible in a long-distance relationship. While we know this
from the get go, it’s still very hard to experience intense feelings of longing,
loneliness, and sadness. During this phase, each partner tends to want
reassurance.
For women, this often means that she wants her man to remind her of her
value in his eyes and to ease her fears. She wants to hear about how much
he loves her and that he is committed to their relationship.
During this same phase, men
want their partner to be playful
and flirtatious with them. When
he’s alone, he wants to hear her
voice. Phone calls become a
bright spot in his day. Because
men don’t need as much
reassurance as women, it’s also
common for him to focus on his
For women, this often means that
she wants her man to remind her
of her value in his eyes and to
ease her fears. She wants to hear
about how much he loves her
and that he is committed to their
relationship.
job, or some other task, to help
him cope with his uncomfortable feelings. Women, this doesn’t mean he
doesn’t care about the relationship or loves you any less than he did when
he left. It’s simply a difference between men and women, and if you learn
to understand and accept this fact, the happier you will be! When you talk
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together, try to be upbeat and not focus only on how hard the separation
is on you and how miserable you are. Be sure to let him know how much
you love and miss him, but also give him some of the love and warmth that
keeps him coming back for more. Even if you have to pretend for awhile,
you can convince yourself that you are happy and that everything will
be just fine. Be sure to give him some of that flirtation he so desperately
desires!
After 4-7 weeks of loneliness, you’ll move into the next phase.
Stage 3 - Resentment
This is often the most dangerous stage; because once resentment has
spread its roots into the foundation of a relationship, it can be irreparable.
Resentment is toxic to a relationship. Most individuals don’t realize
what resentment truly is or what causes it. Resentment is the feeling that
develops when one believes they are giving more to someone than they
are receiving back in return. When couples are separated, each individual
becomes aware of the sacrifices that he or she is making, but can’t see or
experience what the partner is also enduring. Even though each person
knows that it is difficult for his or her partner, one’s own daily struggles
begin to weigh on the heart. After several weeks without reassuring
non-verbal gestures like hugs and kisses, each partner often looks for
appreciation via media (phone, email, text, etc). If one doesn’t get the
validation that one feels he or she deserves, this person begins to feel taken
for granted. Resentment is not something that builds consciously in one’s
mind. It’s an interpretation of one’s feelings. Let me explain.
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Famous Psychologist Albert Ellis was the first to describe this phenomenon
with this diagram:
A ---------------> B ---------------------> C
A is the action that occurs. Let’s say you’re separated from your partner and
he or she didn’t call. The “action” is the fact that he didn’t call when he said
he would or perhaps he didn’t tell you how special your sacrifice is to him.
B is the belief about those events.
Let’s imagine that Jill doesn’t get a phone call from Mike at 5pm. They
had planned this call ahead of time. Immediately she begins to wonder
such things as, “Is something wrong?” “Is he mad about something?” or
“Perhaps I got the time wrong?” None of these are facts, but rather merely
her ideas. While they are all valid questions and feelings, none of them are
accurate until they can be verified.
C is the conclusion.
The conclusion is the action someone decides to take in response to the
initial action(s). In the aforementioned case of Jill and Mike, step C would
be any of these conclusions Jill reached after Mike hasn’t called, such as:
1) “Mike’s an idiot. He knows he should have called me if he couldn’t keep
our appointment. I’m so done with him.”
or
2) “Oh my gosh, I just know something’s happened to him. He never
misses a call and I just know that something horrible has happened.”
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Notice that with each of these statements nothing has changed about her
circumstances. Mike hasn’t called, and Jill could reach either of these two
conclusions based on her BELIEFS about Mike not calling.
When couples are separated, they aren’t aware of how their beliefs are
affecting how they react to the other person. Most individuals go through
an experience similar to the mentioned missing phone call. They reach
a conclusion without realizing that their beliefs about the action are the
main reason for their feelings, as opposed to the simple facts about what
has happened to them.
Psychologists often say, “No one can make you happy or unhappy. It’s
how you interpret it.” I don’t mean to imply that you can interpret any
circumstance as positive. In Jill’s case, when Mike didn’t call, she had every
right to feel upset.
What is so potentially dangerous is if Jill doesn’t realize how easy it would
be to let her fears run wild in her mind. It isn’t easy to keep from assuming
something bad, but it is critical that Jill do just that. If she doesn’t keep her
imagination at bay, she’ll soon begin developing resentment toward Mike.
Even if he has a valid reason for missing their call, if she’s letting her anger
ruminate in her mind, the damage will already be done. She’ll hold that
against him, whether she realizes it or not. This leads to the next phase.
Stage 4 - Detachment
While resentment can surface after 7 weeks, it doesn’t always do so during
this timeframe. It may take some couples months for resentment to build
up. What is certain is that if it continues to build, the couple will reach
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the fatal stage of a relationship: detachment. As a therapist, I can tell you
that what I fear the most when seeing couples is this stage. When one
partner or both partners are detached, it becomes very difficult to save the
relationship. It’s possible, but with detachment comes resentment. At this
stage, the person stops giving love and the death spiral has begun. When
one or both partners reach this stage, the relationship is almost certainly
over. This stage must be avoided at all costs! Once a couple reaches this
stage, it is difficult to reconcile because their resentment has made them
feel as though they are taken for granted.
What’s important to know about these phases is how to manage the first
two phases and avoid Phase 3 and 4. Couples that are separated inevitably
go through periods of excitement, anticipation and loneliness, but it is
critical that they avoid prolonged time feeling resentment, hurt and as
though they are being taken for granted. Above all, you don’t want the
relationship to get to Phase 3 and 4.
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~ CHAPTER THREE ~
The Two Types of Long
Distance Relationships
W
hy are you in a long distance relationship? While there are
dozens of reasons why couples live apart, most can be
summarized in 2 categories: 1.There are circumstances that can’t be
helped, or 2. Someone is unable or unwilling to make a commitment. The
difference between these two is that each represents a different goal. If your
relationship is simply being tested because of distance, then your primary
focus is on nurturing the relationship until you both can be reunited. If one
partner is using the distance as an excuse to avoid getting closer, then we’ll
discuss strategies to move the relationship further along.
Let’s begin with the most common cause of long distance relationships:
Circumstances that don’t allow you to be together. For every person who
says, “I’d never be in a long distance relationship,” I’d tell him or her that
no one plans on it. Sometimes you happen to fall in love with a person
who lives in a different geographical location, like I did. Your heart is not
always practical or even logical when it comes to love. Someone isn’t naïve
or silly for getting involved in long-distance love, but rather that they have
realized the truth that they do not want to live without the other person.
Finding someone that you love isn’t as easy as going to Wal-Mart and
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buying a T-shirt. When you find someone wonderful, it’s wise not to let
circumstances get in the way of a wonderful relationship. Let’s say that
your situation is one that really can’t be changed. Even though one of you
could move, the risk isn’t worth it - even if the relationship has to end. The
goal in such a situation isn’t to find a way for either of you to relocate at
this time. Instead, the goal is to focus on maintaining and enhancing your
emotional bond. While most individuals believe this is done simply by
talking with one another, there are multiple ways a couple can cultivate an
atmosphere of anticipation.
Before we go into the various ways of creating passion, let’s go over the
most important ingredient of a long-distance relationship. Couples that
survive and even thrive when separated have one powerful trait that other
couples don’t: empathy. Successful long-distance couples cultivate an
atmosphere of empathy. What exactly is empathy? It is often defined as
being able to see something from another’s perspective. When your partner
feels that you’ve understood him or her, you’re practicing empathy. Notice
I didn’t say that you simply understood them, because that’s not the same
thing as letting your partner know that you’ve understood them. Of course
you know what they are talking about but without some feedback from
you, they don’t know whether you’re understanding them or not.
I’ll tell you a secret. If your partner seems to be repeating the same
point over and over again, it means one thing: he or she doesn’t believe
that you’ve understood them. Before you focus on creating emotional
interactions that are exciting and fun, consider the advice of Steven Covey.
In his book 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, he recommends that
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people seek first to understand and then to be understood.
How do you do this? Let’s begin.
First, paraphrase what your partner just said.
This doesn’t mean you have to be a parrot, but rather summarize what
they are talking about. Notice how Jennifer does this with her husband,
who is working for 14 months on a temporary assignment for his company
overseas, over a telephone conversation.
Husband: Today I met with my boss and nothing exciting happened.
Jennifer: Nothing happened much today?
Husband: No, and that’s actually a good thing (laughing).
Notice how it isn’t complicated to do this and it makes your partner feel
connected to you. They don’t have anyone to listen to them and they want
share their thoughts with someone special. That person is you!
This technique is also highly useful during a discussion or disagreement.
Take this scenario for example:
John: You are too busy. You don’t have time for me because you are always
volunteering after work, and you’re not there when I call.
Melanie: You’re feeling that I spend too much time away from home, and
you’re upset I’m not there when you’d like to chat?
John: Yes. I want more of your time. I feel like I’m too low on your priority
list sometimes.
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Melanie: You feel like I’m not making you a high enough priority and want
me to devote more time to you.
Instead of getting defensive, Melanie used empathy and truly made John
feel heard. This could have become a huge confrontation. Instead, with
a little empathy, they can talk through the issue and come to some sort
of resolution. People love to feel heard, and it’s no harder than repeating
back what you hear them saying. It’s a great way to avoid fights and
misunderstandings!
Secondly, try and guess your partner’s feelings.
Being able to correctly “guess” what your lover is feeling will reinforce
his or her devotion to you long after your conversation has ended. This
technique isn’t necessary with every conversation. In fact, you really
won’t use it much, but it is invaluable to have it at your disposal. You can
guess his or her feelings from unspoken cues, mannerisms, tone of voice,
and even from past related conversations. Showing someone that you
understand their feelings makes them feel extremely intimate with you.
This is the ultimate way to practice empathy.
Showing someone that you
understand their feelings makes
them feel extremely intimate with
you. This is the ultimate way to
practice empathy.
Empathy doesn’t mean that you
feel sorry for someone. Empathy
doesn’t primarily mean that when
people feel bad that you feel bad
with them. While that can be
empathetic, that’s really nothing
more than feeling someone’s pain.
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Empathy is more than that. Empathy is when you listen attentively to your
partner so that you have a good idea of his or her perspective.
A woman sees a man who seems upset. She picks up on his pain and can
tell something is bothering him; perhaps it is trouble at work. She consoles
him because it makes her feel good. Who doesn’t like making someone
else feel better? What would be more of a challenge for her would be for to
listen to that same man discuss how much he enjoyed himself at a sporting
event and be able to emphasis with why he’s so excited. This one is tougher
because she isn’t interested in sports and doesn’t relate to the passion that
many men feel about their sports teams. It would require her to truly
focus on what he is saying. On the other side of the spectrum is a man
who listens to his partner and instead of empathizing with her feelings, he
becomes overwhelmed with information and attempts to “fix” her problem
instead.
When you empathize with your partner about something that he or she
likes it’s simply a way of building emotional intimacy. Empathy requires
more concentration because you’re not naturally inclined to be interested
in everything that they like or are concerned about. Even though this
requires work, the rewards are priceless. Nothing makes the other person
feel as understood as when you practice true empathy on them. When
most of your conversations are over the phone or some other electronic
method, empathy is vital to maintaining and building your bond. You want
to look for things that you can relate to. If he is having a tough time in his
job, he doesn’t need you to say, “How horrible that must be.” No, he needs
you to acknowledge that what he is going through is indeed difficult. He
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primarily wants you to be appreciative of the sacrifice that he’s making.
In his mind, these circumstances are something that he’s doing to better
himself and ultimately to better you. Part of being able to empathize with
him means that you show appreciation for the hard work he’s doing.
Third, have frequent conversations with your partner.
Make speaking with one another a top priority. It is the frequency
of the conversation that is more important than the duration. Five
short conversations are better than one long
conversation over a 2-week period. Why?
There’s less pressure on each of the short
conversations than making that one lone
conversation perfect.
If you were to see someone daily, it’s unlikely
that you are going to have a lot of 1 and 1 ½ hour conversations. You
wouldn’t need that kind of reassurance. By having less intense conversations
and having them more frequently, you have the ability to bond without
putting pressure on each conversation to be magical or to be incredibly
emotionally stimulating.
Fourth, be curious when you
communicate with your love.
Curiosity is an amazing quality in an early
relationship. It helps two people bond,
simply because they don’t know each other
that well. At this stage in a relationship,
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couples make it a point to ask questions of one another and to be interested
in the other person’s activities. This is incredibly flattering and makes you
want to be around someone who shows so much interest in you!
It is easy to get out of the curiosity habit once you have known someone
for a while. Don’t let this happen to your relationship! Being curious about
what’s going on with your partner makes him or her feel special. A littleknown secret is that no one truly listens to men. A lot of this is the fault of
men themselves. Men don’t share their feelings a lot; they don’t open up
often. When someone listens to them and takes the time to pay attention to
them and listen to their stories, it creates a special bond.
How do you start showing curiosity again? Let me tell you the magical
words that will have your partner longing to speak with you more often.
When they finish expressing their thoughts, say these words:
“Tell Me More”
I can imagine what you’re thinking, “What, that’s it?” Just try it.
I promise you that your partner won’t think it’s silly. In fact, they’re hoping
you say those words. They long to tell you what’s on their heart and it
reminds them why they fell in love with you to begin with. Notice how
Jason creates an emotion bond with his girlfriend Rachel by using this
simple but powerful technique.
Jason: How was your day?
Rachel: It started out o.k. but then I had dinner with Sissy (her sister) and
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we talked about what we were going to do on Thanksgiving and she told
me that everyone is expecting me to come even though I told them we
already had plans.
Jason: Tell me more.
Rachel: Well, I told her that we decided to take a trip away from our
families this year and she asked me why I was putting you ahead of my
family. I told her that I don’t get to see you that often and she told me I was
disappointing the whole family.
Jason: Tell me more.
Rachel: I feel like I’m going to be upsetting everyone if I don’t spend
Thanksgiving with them but I do that every year. I just wish she tried to
understand my feelings.
(The conversation continues along these lines for the next 5 minutes or so,
eventually ending something like this:)
Rachel: Actually I’m o.k. I really do want to spend Thanksgiving with you.
I’ll see them at Christmas. I feel better. Thanks so much for listening.
Yes, that little phrase is that powerful. I know because I’m a professional
counselor and I’ve used it with clients for the last 20 years. They like it and
it makes them feel like I’m interested in what they have to say (and I am).
Once you’ve listened long enough, your partner will tell you what he or she
needs. They’ll ask you a question or for your input. When they do, you’ll
seem like their hero in their eyes - the one person who “gets” them.
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Lastly, be careful about asking for things that your partner can’t
deliver.
If you ever heard the old saying, “Think before you speak,” there’s never a
better place to apply that little gem than to a long-distance conversation. Be
careful and aware of what you say. You may feel that you’re expressing your
feelings. You, of course, understand your intentions and know when you
don’t mean something literally. But since phone calls and email exaggerate
the words that you use, you can easily cause your partner to feel as if he or
she has done something wrong. More specifically, your partner may feel as
though he or she is disappointing you.
For example, saying “I wish you could come home right now” may sound
romantic on one level, but it also reminds your partner that they can’t
come home. It may stir up fears inside of them (especially for men) such as,
“Gosh, if I can’t come home, is there someone that’s going to make her feel
better since I can’t.” Saying such things as, “I wish you didn’t leave,” could
elicit the same reaction. I’m not saying to never say things like that. Keep in
mind that when you say something that conveys that you’re hurt and he’s
not able to do something about it immediately because he is a long distance
from you, he’s much more likely to feel like a failure than to bond with you.
If you’re feeling frustrated because he’s not there, don’t keep it inside, but
do chose carefully where to vent your feelings. That’s what your support
system is for, whether it be your girlfriends, your family, your therapist, or
your pastor. The goal is to maintain a bond with him, and while it may feel
wonderful and intimate to share all of your feelings, even the ones that are
a bit overwhelming, remember that men and women deal with this sort of
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information differently. Women feel better after venting. A man wants to
fix a “problem.” If he can’t do something about it immediately; it will stir up
his fears and make him feel uncomfortable. It’s going to make him feel like
he’s a failure, even though that’s not what you said or conveyed.
Creating an atmosphere of empathy can be accomplished in person and
from afar. In fact, since emotions are magnified in a LDR, you can intensify
your partner’s desire for you by conveying that you understand and are
interested in what’s important to your partner. The good news is that you
don’t have to constantly do all 5 of the suggestions we’ve discussed. The
reality is that you’re probably pretty good at some of them. Even if you only
used 1 or 2 of them, your partner will begin to feel more connected and
closer to you. When you make them feel this way from a distance, they will
only want to be with you that much more.
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~ CHAPTER FOUR ~
Knowing Their Love Trigger
E
veryone has a love language. Very popular books have been
written on the subject.
In his bestselling book, The Five Love Languages,” Dr. Gary Chapman
says that knowing your partner’s love language can be the hidden key to
maintaining a relationship. What are the five love languages?
1. Verbal affirmation.
Simply telling your partner the positive aspects about him or herself
conveys and often creates affection. For example, words of affirmation can
be as simple as saying, “I think you are the most wonderful man in the
world,” or “I am so lucky to have you in my life.”
2. Spending quality time together.
This is as simple as it sounds. If this is your love language, then you like
to spend time with your partner, and you feel loved when they spend
“quality” time with you both listening and speaking. You love spending
time together doing activities you both enjoy.
3. Receiving Gifts.
What makes this special to some individuals isn’t simply the gift that is
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given, but the idea that they feel special when someone else cares enough
to get them a gift. If this is your love language, then when you don’t get
gifts, you’ll typically feel deprived in the relationship.
4. Acts of Service.
Individuals who express love via the acts of service language tend to see
such tasks like doing chores as acts of affection. This person feels loved
when they see the other person “doing things” for them.
5. Physical Touch Language
This individual feels loved when his or her partner displays some close
physical contact with them, such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, and
sexual intercourse. The extent of physical touch varies depending upon
what each individual in the relationship is comfortable with.
If you’d like to know for sure what
you’re and/ or your partner’s Love
language is, then I’d recommend
Dr. Chapman’s book, “The Five
Love Languages.” You can buy
it everywhere. Knowing your
partner’s love language is a simple
yet powerful way of almost instantly
arousing feelings of affection for you.
It is as though they are hard wired to
respond to you when you speak their
love language. Let me tell you how
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I saw this happen in person. Years ago I was doing premarital counseling
with a couple and we began discussing this very topic. It was the woman’s
turn to tell her fiancée what her love language was. After some discussion,
she admitted that being hugged by him made her feel very special. As I
pressed for more information, it turned out that there was a very specific
way she liked to be hugged. I ask that she demonstrate it, right there in the
counseling session. After a brief moment of embarrassment, she agreed
and gave Chris (her fiancée) a hug. I then ask him to do the same to her.
When he did, you could see her entire body grow limp and she simply
melted in his arms.
I promise she didn’t mean to. It felt awkward to act such a way in front of
me and Chris, but she couldn’t help it. When you find your partner’s love
language (or love trigger), it can have a similar effect!
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~ CHAPTER FIVE ~
Surefire Ways to Make
Departures and Arrivals Special
S
aying goodbye is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do.
It is what makes a long distance relationship heart wrenchingly
difficult, and it is simply too much for some couples to handle. People
approach departure differently and not always in healthy ways. For military
couples, fighting often increases before a deployment. They’ll pick fights
and criticize each other over small and petty things. This is a way to create
distance and psychologically make the separation less painful. Many wives
say, “If I’m mad at him, it won’t be so hard to accept the fact he’s gone.
We’ll rekindle while he’s away anyway.” While it is perfectly normal to feel
emotional and a bit on edge before a departure, the “Angry Departure”
technique is not the healthiest choice.
It is possible to make a departure special. First, prepare yourself mentally
and emotionally for it. Accept that it will happen and that it is not the end
of the world. Think of it this way: once he or she departs, you can begin
counting down the days until you’re together again! Next, vow to let the
small things go. If he leaves his towel on the floor after showering, don’t
let it cause a conflict. Pick it up and throw it in the hamper. If she forgets
to pick up your clothes from the laundry mat, even though you reminded
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her ten times, make a mental note to get it yourself later on. Trust me, this
can be insanely hard. You can do it. Trust me. Do you want your memories
of your last few days together to be ones of petty conflicts or of love and
happy moments?
On the morning when one of you has to leave, do something special
together. Perhaps you could enjoy a big pancake breakfast together or a
long walk along the river. Do something meaningful for your relationship.
You don’t have to talk much if it’s too hard. If you can muster the strength
to talk without breaking down in tears, bring up funny memories. Laughter
makes it so much easier.
For women: If he’s traveling by plane, you might give him a small gift to
help pass his time. As an idea, you could give him his favorite magazine or
a new book he’s had his eye on. If space permits, give him a photo album
of your time together and a love letter reminding him of your feelings
and devotion to him. If he’s going to be gone for an extended period of
time, stick this in his bag before he leaves. He will be so touched when he
discovers these gifts and will truly feel loved.
Get as creative as you like when preparing a surprise love packet to slip
into his bag. If you’re comfortable with it, he might like some pictures of
you in lingerie. You may want to label the outside with a special code word
that means something to the two of you, so he doesn’t open it with others
around. Steamy coupons are fun too, as are romantic cards sealed with a
kiss. If he’s deploying in the military, write a letter telling him how much
you appreciate his sacrifices. Detail all the ways in which he makes you
proud and tell him how wonderful it is that he is your man. He will love
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reading this later on, and it will make him feel so close to you.
For men: Write a sweet note and stick it in his folder, carry-on, or pocket.
When she finds it, she’ll be so happy that you were thinking of her.
The actual departure is tricky. Some women like a long, drawn out
departure with lots of hugging and tears. Others hug and say goodbye
at home, then find a quick drop-off to be much more bearable. Having
a surprise waiting for him in his bag will make goodbye easier because
you’ll be so excited for him to discover it. Try your best to say goodbye
on a high note. Put any conflicts and differences behind you; tell your
partner how much
you love spending
time together. Hint
at all the fun you’ll
have when you’re back
together again.
As you drive away and
the separation seems
impossibly, unbearably
long, keep this in mind: it’s time to start the countdown! This idea will truly
make time pass quicker and can even be fun. You can count down days,
weeks, months, seasons, holidays, or even garbage days. It is a great way to
stay connected too. You can celebrate each passing milestone. It really does
help. Before you know it, it’ll be time to plan the reunion. The excitement
builds as the big day approaches. While it will be special regardless, there
are things you can do to make reunion even more memorable.
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Start with a little mental preparation. If a lot of time has passed, be
prepared for some changes. It’s okay if everything doesn’t go perfectly
smooth. That is not a reflection of your relationship. Plan ahead of time for
meals and things to do, but be flexible too. You don’t want to end up with
nothing to do; nor do you want to be a dictator. Have a game plan ready for
your next meeting.
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~ CHAPTER SIX ~
The Most Meaningful Care
Packages You Could Ever Send
a Lover
(Especially for Those Serving in the Military)
C
are packages are one of the best ways to show your lover you care
when you are apart. Yes, I understand that most men would
never consider such a thing, but as you read these suggestions, use these
suggestions to come up with your own way of conveying how special
your lover is to you. By definition, a care package is a box brimming with
tokens of your affection. If can be filled with absolutely anything that is
meaningful to you as a couple. Here are some ideas:
For a soldier deployed in the Middle East, a care package should contain
some practical elements. What is it hard for him to obtain where he is
stationed? Things such as clean socks, deodorant, toothpaste, a pack of
cards, and his favorite snacks and candies (no chocolate because it will
melt!) will brighten his day. Also make him something to represent your
relationship, such as a thoughtful card, a poem, or even some naughty
coupons to be redeemed upon his return. A word about mailing risqué
pictures: as much as your man would love them, remember that anyone
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can open that package for inspection. If you don’t want to be the pinup
girl for the entire unit, don’t send them. Pack them in his things discreetly
before he ships out.
Home-baked goods are always a treat for deployed service members. There
are a few things you should keep in mind. If he at a base or aircraft carrier
that receives mail frequently, your cookies will likely arrive just fine and
ready to enjoy. Wrap them individually, pack the box with newspaper
or bubble wrap to protect them from breaking, and keep in mind that
anything made of chocolate will melt. If he is stationed on a smaller boat,
such as a destroyer or frigate, and mail is much more infrequent, consider
waiting to bake for him at home. Mail can take anywhere from 2-6 weeks
or longer to reach the ship, and by that time, the cookies will no longer be
edible. If this is the case, consider sending him his store-bought favorites.
If your lover is in another city, he won’t need you to send him the basic
necessities of life. Homemade cookies are still a great treat. You can also
use your package to commemorate your relationship past, present, and
future. Buy a nice frame and send him a favorite picture of the two of you
early in your relationship. Hand-write him a love letter and seal it with a
kiss and a spritz of perfume.
Send him tickets to a sporting event you can attend together, along with
related team memorabilia to get him pumped up. There are many online
sites from which you can order pre-made care packages. While they are
cute and easy, it will be so much more meaningful if you buy the items
yourself and ship them to your lover. He will know that you picked each
item because it reminded you of him.
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Holidays of all sorts are perfect opportunities for care packages. For
a birthday package, you might get him a card, a present, streamers, a
birthday hat, and other fun party items from a dollar or party store.
This will be very special to a deployed service member. For a Halloween
package, you could get spooky party favors, lots of candy, and perhaps a
few gag gifts. If you are shipping something overseas, be sure to ship them
well in advance, because they can take a very long time to reach your lover.
Basically, your care package is an expression of your love. Get him things
he likes. If you don’t want to ask specifically what he wants, listen carefully
and he may tell you what he wishes he had, which sports team he likes,
or about books and magazines he enjoys. If it’s cold working outside, you
could send him some warm socks. If he really misses a certain brand
of candy, send it to him. There is no magical combination to create the
perfect care package. If you’re at a loss for ideas, here are some to get you
started:
Practical Items:
-Phone Cards
-Memory Cards
-Magazines
-Books
-Movies
-Handwarmers
-Toothbrushes and toothpaste
-Febreze
-Deodorant
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-Travel Size Board Games
-Pictures from home
-Crossword puzzles
-Hard candy
-Pens
-Crackers and other snacks
-Digital or disposable camera
Special Events
-A favorite article of your clothing, spritzed in perfume and sealed in a
plastic bag
-A collage of pictures of you together
-Party favors
-Cards
-Voice or video recordings of you
-For Easter, send him an Easter basket full of candy!
-Personalized placemat for Thanksgiving
-A small artificial tree and decorations for Christmas
-A stocking full of gifts
The ideas are endless, and each care package is a unique expression of your
love for each other. Think of things that he would really like and that would
brighten up his day. He will be very appreciative.
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~ CHAPTER SEVEN ~
Simple and Powerful
Suggestions
L
et’s end with a few ideas to help you along your way to a
successful long-distance relationship.
1. When you are talking on the phone, smile as much as possible.
Research has proven that when you smile in a conversation, the person on
the other end can hear the difference in your voice. You may have to force
yourself to do it and it may not feel natural at first, but the other person
will feel the softness and kindness in your voice. There will, of course, be
times when this is not possible, such as heated or serious conversations.
Fortunately, these situations are the exception and not the rule. Smile!
2. Never allow your partner to take you for granted. What this means
is that if you find yourself consistently giving more than your partner is
giving, you must pull back. In this instance, I am primarily referring dating
relationships and not the legal commitment of marriage. Examples of being
taken advantage of include: saying they will call and not following through
and calling, not picking up the phone when you’ve set up a designated call
time, acting like they’re doing you a favor by having a conversation with
you, or becoming upset when you ask questions about what they’ve been
doing. In all of the above situations, you should pull back.
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Now I’m not talking about a specific incident. I’m not talking about a
specific time your partner didn’t tell you all the details about what he or
she did. If you do this incident by incident, you’re being controlling. I’m
talking about a consistent pattern of secretive, rude, or indifferent behavior.
Pulling back may be tough, but it is a much better option than being
yelling or demanding.
3. When it comes to intentions, give them the benefit of the doubt. Even
if they say the wrong words or if their tone of voice isn’t what you want to
hear, you should make it a point to remind yourself of what their intentions
are in their heart, not what it feels like their intention is in the moment.
It’s the pattern that you should be more concerned with rather than the
individual incident. When you give him or her the benefit of the doubt,
your partner is more likely to take risks with you, because then there isn’t
the fear of saying something wrong to upset you, or forgetting to tell you
some detail. Remember, especially in a long distance relationship, trust is
one of the core ingredients.
When someone second-guesses another person’s intentions, it makes that
person feel like a child. This is hugely damaging to a romantic relationship.
Above all else, be careful about playing detective, trying to catch someone
in his or her words. While there may be a time and a place for this type
of behavior, if you’ve set an established pattern, you must be careful to
do this sparingly. If you have to do it often, then it’s time to reassess the
relationship.
I don’t mean that if the circumstances of your partner’s story don’t add up
that you should necessarily give him the benefit of the doubt. If he told you
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he was going to call you at 7:00 pm and he doesn’t call at all, it would be
illogical to believe his excuse that a giant blizzard hit the city in the middle
of July. That would not be giving him the benefit of the doubt. Instead it
would simply be naïve.
4. Treat a long distance relationship like a marathon. A big part of
planning for a marathon has to do with how you take care of yourself. It
may seem like common sense to tell you to eat right, get enough sleep, and
exercise, but some people forget these things. Remember, how you take
care of yourself physically affects your mood. When your mood is depleted,
you’ll tend to make an emotional withdrawal from your partner. An
emotional withdrawal is where you ask for support or something physical
from them. When you take care of yourself, you will have less of a need to
make those withdrawals.
Don’t make emotional withdrawals haphazardly. Make sure you practice
basic self-discipline: get plenty of sleep, and take an inventory of yourself.
When you’re by yourself and you’re overwhelmed, what are you likely to
do? Do you tend to watch too much TV? Do you spend too much time
on the Internet? Do you isolate yourself? Do you hang out with negative
people? Be honest with yourself, and take extra precaution to avoid
behaviors that tend to weigh on you emotionally.
These four scenarios I outlined overviewed the techniques you just learned
to understand your man and also read his mind. Just doing this work
occasionally is enough to make a lasting impression on a man. These
kinds of impressions will not only give you power and insight, but they will
make him bond with you in a way that you probably never experienced
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before. Working on a relationship, using the techniques outlined for you,
can certainly make your relationship more powerful. Not only will you
better understand your husband or boyfriend but also you can begin
to understand things about yourself and how you influence your own
relationship.
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~BONUS~
Some couples could be together physically if both were willing to formulate
a plan to bridge the distance between them. Still, there are certain
circumstances labeled as the reasons for the separation. If you’re not
certain if your circumstances are truly beyond your control or his, consider
the following checklist:
1. Is the reason for your living apart work-related? Do both of you have
jobs that you cannot relocate from? I’m not asking what your preference is;
I’m asking if it’s not possible. Are you in a position where you would not be
able to find comparable work if either you moved near him or he moved
near you? An example of this would be if you have a job so niche-specific
that it could only exist in a specific geographic area. In most instances, the
answer is going to be “No.”
2. Are there family members that hinder the possibility of moving?
Does he have a dying or ill parent? Does he have children, small children
especially, that he cannot imagine leaving? Do you have small children and
leaving really is not an option? Is there no way that your children could
move with you, or his children with him?
3. Are there health reasons that prohibit either of you from moving?
There are some individuals whose respiratory issues prohibit them from
living in a humid area because it is hazardous to their health, for example.
We’re talking about catastrophic or extreme hardship if a move was
planned, not merely personal preferences.
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If any of these apply to your situation then ask yourself this question - “Are
the reasons really non-negotiable?” If upon reflection you determine that
the reasons for your LDR are actually issues that can be resolved without
causing harm to either of you then it’s time to consider what to do....
If You’re Tired of Waiting
This section is only for couples where one person is willing to risk
losing their current relationship arraignment for the chance at having
something better in the future. As we’ve just described, there are some
instances where one person feels that he or she has waited long enough
and has decided that something must be done. (I realize that this amount
of time could vary depending on who you are.) In this situation, one
person doesn’t feel that his or her partner is making plans for them to live
together in the same town and they realize that if they continue to wait,
they’ll only become resentful.
It is under such
circumstances that one
individual needs to create
a sense of urgency in his
or her partner. Such a
relationship often has two
conflicting goals. One person
may not like the current
state of the relationship,
but is more comfortable in
maintaining the current state
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of the relationship instead of taking steps to live together in the same place.
The other partner usually feels more of a sense of longing, frustration,
and maybe even more intense feelings, to do something… anything! They
want the relationship to progress to the point where they’re both in the
same city. They feel fairly confident that they could either move themselves
or accommodate their partner moving closer to them. In this scenario,
something must be done other than merely maintaining the relationship,
because this will leave one partner feeling terribly frustrated. If you are that
person, then it’s time to create a sense of urgency.
Before you go forward, you must realize that when you create a sense
of urgency, you will be disrupting your relationship in its current form.
You can’t always be sure how your partner will respond when they feel
uncomfortable. When you create a sense of urgency, your partner will feel
as though he or she could lose you if some actions are not taken. If you’re
not willing to run that risk of losing them, then it’s likely your relationship
will continue in its current long distance status, perhaps indefinitely.
If your current situation is untenable and things absolutely must change,
then you’re ready to create this sense of urgency. I’m assuming up until
now that you have made your partner feel good, that they have felt good
enough that they liked seeing you, being with you, talking on the phone,
texting, and emailing. I’m assuming that you’re doing all the “feel good”
stuff. However, if making them feel good were all that was required to
advance the relationship, then they would have already begun making
plans to live closer to you. In other words, one of you would have already
moved to be with the other person. It may be hard to hear this, but merely
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making someone feel good often is not strong enough to close the gap in a
long distance relationship.
In addition, let’s go through a checklist of questions and take an inventory
of your relationship.
1. What do you want in your relationship? Take an inventory of your
relationship; be honest with yourself. Why are you two not together?
Why are you not living in the same place? What plans have been made to
remedy this situation?
2. How long have you been a couple? How long has this continued? Is
this something that has been in place for a couple of months, or less?
In that case, the relationship might not be old enough or have enough
established to really begin to make plans for you two to be together. Have
you been together over a year? If that’s the case, then the question I usually
pose to couples or individuals has to do with your age. If you and/ or your
partner are over the age of 30, then, in general, it doesn’t usually take a
couple more than six months of dating to make a determination of whether
this relationship has long-term potential.
Now, if you see each other only once a month for six months, we’re going
to stretch that number out. But if you see each other fairly regularly and
you converse on the phone or through emails often, then in the course of
six months I am going to assume that you’ve had disagreements and that
you two as a couple are able to work out those arguments. I’m going to
assume that he’s not only seeing you when you’re looking wonderful and
lovely, but that he’s also seeing you when you are tired, perhaps dejected,
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even overwhelmed. Because once he’s seen all of you, the good and the
bad, then there really isn’t anything more to discover after six months.
I advise people who are around 22 or 23 years old to wait longer. At that
age, they haven’t had enough life experiences to really know what things
are really important to them in a partner. Once you are over 30 years old,
you are much more likely to be settled into life, have a career, and know
what qualities you really want in a romantic relationship. There’s not going
to be as much that changes in a person’s personality over the age of 30.
Below the age of 22 and 23, your personality is still changing and evolving.
Often men at this age focus largely on making a career for themselves
rather than on a relationship. They become nervous and worried
about how they are actually going to make an income, and the idea of
supporting a wife or supporting children is oftentimes overwhelming
to them. If you’ve been in a relationship under six months, or if you’ve
been in a relationship longer than that and you haven’t worked through
disagreements, or you’ve seen each other rarely, then it may just need more
time. But if it’s been over six months, or you feel that there are not a lot of
new things to discover about one another, then you may be ready to create
the sense of urgency.
3. “Are you enabling?” In other words, are you allowing your partner to
have the best of both worlds? Does he or she get to have your undivided
attention on the phone? Does your partner know that you’ll be available to
see or meet them whenever they want? If so, do you expect your partner
to be just as accommodating? If not, then why? When you answer these
questions do any of them stand out to you? If your still not sure about what
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to do in your relationship then I have one final question I want you to ask
yourself: Am I keeping this relationship alive by simply giving more than
I’m getting?
4. Would you be willing to accommodate your partner’s reason for not
living in the same town? If your love had a dying relative he was very
close to or caring for, I am assuming you’d understand his need to stay and
wouldn’t pressure him to move. Now, would you be willing to wait for him
indefinitely?
If you’re ready to create a sense of urgency, then these are the two
ingredients:
1. You decide that the relationship must change for it to continue.
You’re ready to create this when you decide that your current relationship
is unsustainable for you. You may be full of resentment; you may feel that
you’re tired of giving and being patient. Regardless of whether you think
that’s mean or selfish, you’ve come to decide that while you don’t know
how much longer your partner is willing to take but you cannot give any
more of your time without a change.
2. You must be willing to risk losing your partner if those changes
do not occur. A common retort to this is, “But that’s giving him an
ultimatum. I don’t want to be someone that gives an ultimatum.” I want
to define for you what exactly an ultimatum is. There’s a huge difference
between irrational or disproportionate, versus issuing an ultimatum. Yet,
these two things are often confused. If man did not do exactly what his
girlfriend told him to do and showed up five minutes late, giving him an
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ultimatum that if he ever showed up late again you would break up with
him would be disproportionate and irrational.
On the other hand, if you’re dating someone who beats you or cheats on
you and you say, “If you ever strike me or cheat on me again, I will leave
you,” that, too, is an ultimatum and yet in that instance, the ultimatum
accurately reflects the degree of injury that your partner has caused. By
their very definition, all relationships have ultimatums built into them. A
relationship where there are no ultimatums is not a relationship, it’s simply
an arraignment of convenience. There may be passionate feelings, but there
is no intimacy. If you think that simply being nice enough and making
your partner feel good enough is going to change your relationship, you’re
wrong. Acting that way merely teaches the other person that you will
tolerate bad behavior.
In creating a sense of urgency, you’re partner must feel as though you will
leave the relationship if it remains in its current state. For most couples,
this simply means, “If you’re not going to marry me, then it’s time I left
this relationship.” To do this, you must determine that you are going to be
with someone wonderful, even if it’s not your current partner. Therefore,
you are unwilling to give your partner any more time to make a decision.
If you give this ultimatum it may feel scary, uncomfortable, and even mean
at times. However, creating this sense of urgency is more effective than
begging, pleading or groveling. Pleading does not work in a long distance
relationship. In fact, it tends to reinforce the reason that there’s distance.
When you plead, it creates doubt.. If you’ve decided that you’re ready for
this relationship to become more than what it is, then we’ll proceed.
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Creating a Sense of Urgency
Let’s begin with the most basic and obvious thing. If your partner says he
or she is not ready, and these reasons are not physically impossible, they
you will probably have to be the one to decide when to create a sense of
urgency. Please give up on the idea that if you could just do one more thing
to reassure them things would be different. After a certain amount of time
(usually months) there isn’t any more reassurance you can offer. We’ve
already established that you’re not going to do this unless you’ve dated
the other person for six months or that you’ve had enough interactions
that you are able to resolve conflict. As you begin to create a sense of
urgency, you’ve already established in your mind through careful reflection
that there isn’t much new to discover. You realize that it’s time that the
relationship either progresses forward or that it’s time to find someone else.
Here is an example to consider. If you have children, or you’ve ever
talked to anyone with children, you’ll understand what it means when
I say people that wait until they can afford to have children, never have
children. We’re not saying that there’s not some wisdom in preparing for
the financial responsibilities of providing for a child, but waiting until you
can comfortably afford it is a luxury that hardly any parents have. Similarly,
if your partner wants to wait until they are absolutely certain before they
begin taking steps for both of you to be living in the same area, then they
will likely be waiting forever. There is only so much certainty that you can
offer them and rather than trying to continually disprove their fears and
concerns, what they often need is for you to simply their choice for them.
Either move forward with our relationship or it’s time for me to leave.
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Before making the leap, do a quick checklist to determine whether the
relationship is progressing. If you’ve been together over six months and
you’re not engaged, that doesn’t mean you have to be engaged. If you feel
the relationship is progressing, then consider allowing it to continue. Does
your partner want to see you the same amount or more each month? Are
they talking about or taking steps toward creating a future with you? Are
their actions lining up with their words? Don’t focus so much on how hard
they’re trying or how much they really wished they could see you; focus
more on the things they do in spite of the obstacles.
If you do see progress, then allow the relationship to progress and focus
more on creating intimacy and strengthening your relationship. If you do
not see progress, then do not have a big formal speech. Do not get into a
debate. Instead monitor the amount of contact you have. How frequently
do you interact? Do you talk two times a day? Do you talk once every
four days? Once you have that pattern established, begin to decrease that
amount of interaction. At the same time, I want you to be positive and
upbeat if at all possible.
Your first goal is to make your partner realize that something is different.
For them to be able to truly hear you,
they first must feel something has
Your first goal is to make your
changed. The change will be subtle.
partner realize that something is
Remember, we said everything is
different. For them to be able to
magnified over long distances. Even
truly hear you, they first must feel
a small change will be more powerful
something has changed.
than you realize. For example, try
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missing one phone call because you were busy. Instead of talking for 20
minutes, tell them at the end of ten minutes you have to go. You’d love
to talk longer but something has come up and there’s an errand to run.
You have to prepare them for the serious talk you’re going to have later.
Eventually they’ll ask, “What’s wrong? Why are you distant?” Then I want
you to say this: “You know, I think I’m tired of doing this.”
Now, when you say this, don’t try and guess their reaction. They’re going
to be surprised, at least if you set it up correctly. They may say nothing, or
even follow up with a question. But regardless of what they say, if you take
these actions in the manner I’ve suggested, they will feel what you’ve said
and even more importantly, they will become curious.
It isn’t the words you say that have the biggest impact; it’s what you do
in the following weeks that will mean more. Your partner must believe
that you are dead serious. Your choice is between outlasting them or to
continue being accommodating.
If you want your partner to make a choice, then you cannot continue being
available in your long distance relationship. They may accuse you of being
selfish, or ask, “Why do you have to go ruin a good thing?” or state “I told
you, I’m committed to you.” If that’s the case, what they are doing is simply
trying to get the relationship back to where they want it to be. They want to
keep the relationship as it is, namely, convenient to them but inconvenient
to you.
I hope that this is not your relationship. In fact, most long distance
relationships don’t fall into this category. I can tell you from personal
experience that when two people want to be together, given enough time,
they will be together.
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~SUMMARY~
A
ll this information might seem overwhelming. There’s so much
to consider just to have a relationship. Whatever happened to
simply meeting someone, falling in love, and living happily ever after? I’m
sure it doesn’t seem fair that it happens this way for some couples.
Let me share something with you that my father told me years ago
to emphasis a point. I had just completed graduate school and was
considering getting my PhD in counseling. I didn’t want to move again,
so my options were limited to 3 different schools in my area. The top 2
schools accepted 1 person for every 400 that applied. The third university
was much less prestigious, but it was one I could attend.
I was troubled because everyone I knew had gotten his or her PhD from a
university that I recognized and I felt as though I was settling. I remember
asking my father his opinion about how important the school I attended
was. His answer was both simple and powerful.
“Bobby, how many physicians do you know where they attended medical
school?”
Since my father is a medical doctor, you’d think I could at least tell you
where one or two of his friends got their degree, but I couldn’t. I shrugged
my shoulders as I said, “I don’t know where any doctor went to medical
school.”
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His response changed my entire outlook. “That’s right because no one cares
where you went to school, they only care how good a doctor you are.”
This applies to you as well. In time, you won’t care how much time you
were apart. You will only care about how good your relationship is. It’s the
quality of your love that will matter the most to you in the coming years.
I promise you that there are thousands of couples that see each other
every day, but are headed for a breakup. Time together is a good thing for
a couple, but it doesn’t guarantee success. Once you are together, it won’t
seem as important as it does now, I promise. I know it’s hard at times.
I remember how isolated it feels to have the person that you love living
hundreds of miles away. But the good news is that you can being building
a deeper love between you and your partner than you ever would have
imagined possible.
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SUGGESTED READING
Separated By Duty, United In Love
BY SHELLIE VANDEVOORDE
The 5 Love Languages
BY GARY CHAPMAN
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Bob Grant, LPC
The Relationship Doctor
Bob Grant is a bestselling author. Having appeared on
numerous radio programs over the years in addition
to being a member of the Savvy Miss Dating Team, he
is considered a Media Expert on relationships.
Bob currently resides in Atlanta, GA. He is married
to his beautiful wife, Stacey and is the proud father 4
wonderful children.
For more information, please visit Bob Grant at
www.relationshipheadquarters.com.
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