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Say You Saw it in The Monadnock Shopper News, October 15 – October 21, 2014
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=>BC:N GAUCHE Syndrome Sufferers ~ You Are Not Alone
Let me begin by stating unequivocally that I love is just a mild annoyance, with random thoughts of
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autumn. It has a lot going for it – sunny days, crisp firewood interrupting the last few barbecues of the
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nights, no bugs, and vibrant foliage, to name a few. Of
course the apples, fresh cider, and donuts (not necessarily in that order) are a big attraction as well.
But even though I am a big fan of fall, I am not
afraid to point out its shortcomings and the dangers
that are hidden within every pumpkin patch. Because
no matter how joyous an occasion it is to take my
kids apple picking or on a hike through a Technicolor
carpet of leaves, a dark shadow always manages to
cast a cloud over each memorable autumn moment. I
cannot shake it, no matter how many jack-o-lanterns I
carve. After many hours of exhaustive Internet searching I have come up with a plausible self-diagnosis. I
am a textbook example of someone who suffers from
the little-studied but pervasive Guilt over AUtumn
CHorEs (GAUCHE) Syndrome.
GAUCHE Syndrome usually kicks in around early
September, often triggered by the passing of Labor Day
or the swamp maples turning red. At first, the malady
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summer. As time goes on, the thoughts begin to
multiply, the chores stack up, and it seems that each
falling leaf symbolizes one more thing you need to do
before – shudder – the first snow falls.
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with Richard Popovic
Extreme sufferers report hearing a ticking clock
whenever they dare to pause and enjoy the season. Not
much is known about GAUCHE, but it seems to affect
individuals differently, depending on their personality
and lifestyle. There is only one symptom which is a
constant among everyone – the list.
At some point or another, every victim sits down,
pen in hand, and makes a list of what needs to happen
before – another shudder – the snow flies. These lists
are highly personal in nature and often embarrassingly
ambitious in scope. Most are quickly pulled down
from the fridge if a visitor happens to stop by. But in
an effort to let other poor souls out there know that
they are not alone, I have decided to share mine. I usually do not get this raw and personal in my columns,
but I can smell the Pulitzer, so I am pulling out all of
the stops. OK, deep breath, and here I go – “Autumn
Chores: remove and clean AC, mow lawn, compost
leaves, finish building playhouse, tend garden beds,
clean out shop, clean out shed, clean out basement,
stack firewood, move raspberry bushes, repair stone
wall, remove screens, clean windows... ”
At that point my hand was shaking too much to continue writing and my teardrops made the ink run, so I
stopped. But I could have kept going, even though that
partial list alone will never get completed in time.
Is there a cure for GAUCHE Syndrome? No miracle
drug that I know of, but I have found that eating a lot of
cider donuts helps to quiet the clock in my head. Other
than that, be sure to include a lot of small things on
your list, so you can cross off at least one thing each day
and trick your brain into thinking you are making real
progress. Other than that, keep working until – final
shudder – the first snow falls. For that is the only true
cure for GAUCHE Syndrome. Once it snows, you are
finally free to toss up your hands, throw your list in the
woodstove and take a nice, well-deserved nap.
Richard Popovic is a musician and freelance writer
who lives in Nelson in an efficient little house he built
in 2007 where he spends most of his time attempting
to convert run-on sentences into a viable source of
clean energy.
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