1. sports
2. boxing

--1
ACT I -- MORNING
(At the rise RICK enters the 'van'
set in the driver's seat. He
reaches to the floor to the right
of his seat and picks up a clip
board. Starts writing. Looks up
and addresses the audience)
RICK
(aside)
Under Title three of the Older Americans Act of 1965 and
revised in 2006, all residents of the United States over 60
years of age are entitled to a large variety of programs of
assistance. Included in these programs are a wide array of
services intended to keep these senior citizens active and
independent. As an example, many communities provide a multipurpose senior center where congregate meals are served on a
regular basis along with educational and entertainment
activities.
(He 'starts' the van and pulls away
from the parking place)
RICK (Continued)
Another popular service provided to these citizens is
convenient transportation to specific locations for needed
functions; shopping, medical appointments, picking up
medications. These programs utilize small multi-passenger
vehicles to transport agile clients around the community,
picking them up at home or a convenient center with ample
parking. These Services for the Elderly have a variety of
descriptions and names, Handi-van or Ride Share, but there is
one unofficial name that best describes the functions of
these services... The Biddy Bus.
(RICK continues driving)
RICK (Continued)
Once a week, I get paid to drive this group of senior
citizens on their Title Three destinations, doctor's
appointments, pharmacy and grocery shopping. This unique
little microcosm can only be described as...as... well,
unique. Why don't you come along with us on a typical day on
The Biddy Bus?
(He pulls to a stop. MANNY is
standing out side the right hand
front door. He opens the door and
begins a frenzied routine of
cleansing the seat and space
immediately around it. He wears
gloves and is bearded.)
--2
RICK (Continued)
Hey, Manny!
(MANNY ignores him as he continues
cleaning)
Manny is a hermit.
RICK (Continued)
And he's a germaphobe.
And he's deaf.
(Raises his voice)
RICK (Continued)
Aren't you, Manny?
MANNY
I heard you.
(Looks around the van)
MANNY (Continued)
Who were you talking to?
RICK
Don't forget your cooler.
No one.
MANNY
I don't need it today.
Really?
RICK
What's going on?
MANNY
Nothing... I just don't need many groceries today.
stop by the VA? I need to make an appointment.
Sure.
No problem.
Can we
RICK
(RICK pulls away from the curb and
begins driving again.)
RICK (Continued)
Manny is deaf because he was in the army during the Viet Nam
era. He was a cannoneer, and now he can't hear.
Very funny rhyme, Rick.
MANNY
I haven't heard that one before.
RICK
It would seem that you haven't heard much since 1970.
MANNY
Yeah, well that was before I got these little machines
--3
(Indicates his ears)
MANNY (Continued)
Now I can hear perfectly fine.
Well that's good to know.
Yeah, I am good to go.
RICK
MANNY
RICK
Ri-i-ight!
Who's on the list today?
MANNY
(Reaches to the center console and
reads from a slip of paper)
Heavy load today.
RICK
MANNY
Yeah, really...
(MANNY freezes in place as RICK continues to drive)
RICK
(aside)
Manny is a hermit mainly because he doesn't think much of
people and society in general. Some of this was brought on
by a short stint in 'The Joint' many years ago. He was
running with the wrong crowd and ended up doing time in
California. He refers to that period of his life as going to
school. He's had a lot of life lessons which he refers to as
school...smoking school and drinking school and drug school.
Nowadays, he tends to his garden and house and draws a small
pension from the army and social security... just enough to
get by on. The short conversations that we have are about
all the social context he has left.
(Pulls over and Ursula is at the
curb. MANNY gets out and mimes
opening the sliding door of the
van.)
Good morning, Ursula!
RICK (Continued)
URSULA
Gut morning, Rick. Gut morning, Manny.
getting me dis morning.
Thank you for
--4
(URSULA speaks with a moderately
heavy Eastern European accent.
Think Zsa Zsa Gabor... MANNY nods
his hello, closes the door and reenters the van. RICK continues
driving.)
RICK
And where are you off to on this beautiful morning?
URSULA
I haf a doctors appointment. Doctor Jones.
where is his office?
Do you know
RICK
Unless it's moved since I took you there six weeks ago...
URSULA
Do you think he has moved his office?
RICK
I'm not aware that his office has changed. Did they say
something about the office being in a new location the last
time you were there?
URSULA
No. I don't think so. They would tell me, wouldn't they, if
they were going to move?
RICK
Then, yes, I know where his office is located.
(URSULA and MANNY freeze as RICK
continues to drive.)
RICK (Continued)
(aside)
Ursula is now in her eighties. Her family of nine, she and
her husband, who is the father of her seven children, escaped
from Lithuania during the Cold War and emigrated, first to
West Germany and then to Holland, and then to French Canada
and ultimately to the United States. They eventually became
citizens, but that old unease from the former Soviet Union
days prevails in her life even today. I think she has a
touch of dementia, and her girls keep a close eye on her
nowadays.
(They unfreeze)
Who's this new person?
MANNY
Do I know her?
--5
RICK
Some lady that moved down here and wants transportation. She
signed up for the summer produce and wanted more information
about this program.
URSULA
We got wonderful tomatoes and cucumbers this week.
RICK
See, Manny,you could have had tomatoes and cucumbers if you'd
signed up.
MANNY
That's too much humbug getting all those papers together.
RICK
It's just proof of income. Hell, you barely make enough to
keep a mouse alive. You could use those veggies. Not to
mention the fruits. What were the fruits this week, Ursula?
URSULA
Bananas. There are always bananas. And rambutan and two
kinds of lettuce and some zucchini squash. Yeah, and the
cucumbers and tomatoes.
RICK
That's what you're missing.
See Manny?
(He pulls to the side, MANNY hops
out and holds the door for DOUG.
The trip resumes.)
Hello, Doug.
RICK (Continued)
DOUG
Thanks for picking me up. Hello, Ursula. Hello, Manny.
Isn't this a beautiful day? The birds were singing a
wonderful song this morning. Just as the sun was coming up,
a turkey landed on my roof. Can you believe it? A wild
turkey. What a noise. Scared me to death. And the dog
slept right through it. I thought the turkey was gonna fall
right through the roof on top of me. It's that plastic kind
of roof and I could see it sitting up there. Isn't that wild?
I have to go to WalMart for my prescriptions. I called and
they're ready to be picked up, so I won't need much time and
then I'd like to get some groceries and is there enough room
in the back for a big bag of dog food? Thanks for picking me
up.
RICK
You're welcome, Doug...it's the reason that they pay me the
big money.
--6
DOUG
The big money? Oh, wow, do you make a lot of money doing
this? You're kidding me, right?
RICK
Yeah, Doug, I'm kidding. If my union makes any more
concessions, I'll wind up paying them for the right to have a
job.
You have a union?
DOUG
That's pretty wild.
(There's an uncomfortable silence.
Then, )
DOUG (Continued)
Did you hear what i said about the turkey, Ursula? It landed
on my roof, right above my head. It was just turning light.
URSULA
Yes, I heard about that... my little Schippe would have
raised the devil of a racket. She doesn't like it when the
turkeys come through the yard. Even the neighbors know when
there are turkeys in the yard, he raises such a fuss.
DOUG
My great big old dog didn't make a sound. She just rolled
over and went back to sleep. Do you have a dog, Manny?
(No reaction from MANNY)
RICK
Manny, Doug wants to know if you have a dog.
No, I don't have a dog...
MANNY
DOUG
You should get a dog to keep you company. They make great
company. And sometimes they're good watch dogs. Except mine
this morning. She just rolled over and went back to sleep.
And thanks, Rick, for picking me up. Isn't it a beautiful
day?
(All but RICK freeze. )
RICK
(aside)
Doug is a new member of the posse. He lives alone with his
incredibly large dog. Although he may have been a brilliant
guy at one time, a couple of strokes and a quadruple by-pass
have left him, how should I put this delicately... unfocused.
No, it's more than just unfocused. He has the attention span
of a hyper active cocker spaniel. And he's very polite.
--7
(And he pulls over to pick up
KAREN. The process continues.
KAREN has some difficulty
maneuvering due to complications
from a stroke.)
KAREN
It's about time you got here. You said you'd be here at
seven thirty and it's ten to eight.
RICK
Actually, Karen, I said to be ready by seven thirty. When we
talked on Monday, there were only two people riding and now
there are seven of you.
(And he pulls out.)
KAREN
Well, I have been sitting out here since a quarter to seven
just so I wouldn't miss you. And I need to stop at the bank
for some money so I can shop.
RICK
And which bank would that be?
You know.
KAREN
The one on the right side of the street.
RICK
There are three banks on the right side of the street.
KAREN
Just drive slowly when you get to them and I'll point it out
to you. You won't forget, will you?
RICK
No, Karen, I won't forget.
URSULA
And I need to go to the doctor. Don't forget that either.
RICK
What time is your appointment, Ursula?
URSULA
I think they said nine o'clock.
RICK
Do you have the doctor's phone number?
Yes, here in my purse.
URSULA
--8
RICK
Give me the number so that I can call them and let them know
that you'll be late. Don't you remember that I told you to
make appointments after nine thirty?
URSULA
I couldn't remember if it was before or after.
(She retrieves a card from her
purse and passes it forward to
KAREN. MANNY reluctantly takes the
card from KAREN and passes it to
RICK who puts an earpiece in his
ear, hands free style, and dials)
RICK
It's the machine...Hello, this is Rick, and I'm driving
Ursula into town for her appointment. I just want you to
know that she'll be a few minutes late for her scheduled
appointment. Thank you.
(He hangs up)
KAREN
Am I going to be late for my appointment, too?
RICK
You have a doctor's appointment, Karen?
I don't remember...
What time?
KAREN
RICK
You don't remember if you have an appointment or what time it
is?
I don't remember...
What?
KAREN
RICK
KAREN
I don't remember what bank I need to go to... it's on the
right side of the street.
RICK
And you'll point it out to me as we drive by it, right?
KAREN
I hope I can recognize it...
It's okay.
RICK
I'll drive by very slowly.
--9
URSULA
And then I'll be late for my appointment...
DOUG
It's a beautiful day isn't it?
URSULA
I hope they don't cancel it.
DOUG
I wish we could go to the beach for a swim...
KAREN
I used to know where the bank was...
MANNY
You don't have to stop at the VA for me today.
RICK
No worries, we'll stop at the VA.
MANNY
I'm just saying, if we're too busy, we don't have to...
(RICK pulls off to the side and
EMIKO, who speaks with a
distinctive Japanese accent, gets
into the van)
Good morning, everyone.
EMIKO
It's a beautiful day.
DOUG
I was just saying that to everyone... what a beautiful day!
EMIKO
You're right, Doug. I should stay at home and work on my
yard. With all this rain we've been having, I need to cut
everything back.
DOUG
Your yard is amazing. All of those pretty flowers in bloom.
How do you find the time for your garden?
EMIKO
I just make the time. I have lots of time, now that Ernie is
passed. But, sometimes he used to help me in the yard.
(Everyone freezes.)
--10
RICK
(aside)
Ernie was Emiko's second husband who recently succumbed to a
lingering bout with the big "C". She just returned from a
long vacation with her adult children. I should interject
something at this point... the people who ride in this van
are old people. Some of them are very old. The outcomes of
my relationship with them is most often tragic. As one of
the astute individuals from the group pointed out to me not
so long ago, they are old people...they do what old people
do... they get old and then they die. Since I started this
job seven years ago, twenty-six of them have completed their
assignment and moved on. Another eleven of them have
relocated to facilities that specialize in dementia related
problems. Ernie was just the latest in a never ending string
of very lovable people who have passed through my life.
EMIKO
I may have to get someone to help me with some of the heavy
yard work.
DOUG
I could come by and help sometime...
RICK
Doug, you need to spend some time in your own jungle before
you out-source yourself. I'm just saying.
DOUG
I'm getting to it... there's just so much of it.
RICK
And you've had a quadruple by-pass surgery and a stroke. You
can barely walk down the street. Maybe Emiko could come over
and help you.
Really?
Could you?
DOUG
(to EMIKO)
RICK
No, Doug, she can't... you just need to figure it out on your
own.
EMIKO
I have plenty to do right here at home.
joking, right Rick?
Rick was just
RICK
Yes, Emiko-san, I was just joking. You haven't seen Doug's
yard. This rain has done a wonderful job. Even the old cars
in his yard have disappeared.
--11
DOUG
I'm going to rebuild those cars... I just need some parts.
RICK
Doug, how many different cars are there in your yard?
Six or eight.
Really?
Maybe ten
How many?
DOUG
RICK
DOUG
RICK
DOUG
Okay, there are thirteen...
RICK
And they're all different?
DOUG
I got them at different times.
RICK
If they were at least the same manufacturer you might have
some parts that were compatible.
DOUG
I was going to make a new kind of car using parts from
several cars...
RICK
So, you're the new Henry Ford?
Oh, I won't get that big.
DOUG
RICK
Probably not. What's going to be different about your car?
DOUG
I'm going to join two cars together so that they face in
opposite directions and then the driver will just switch from
one end and drive from the other end when he needs to go in a
different direction.
RICK
Why don't you just use the reverse gear?
--12
DOUG
Because both of these cars have broken reverse gears... I'm
just going to use the good parts of the cars.
I'm amazed.
car thingy?
RICK
Why hasn't Detroit thought about this two ended
DOUG
I'm going to get a patent on it before I unveil it so I can
make a ton of money.
I can hardly wait.
RICK
(He pulls over again. JANNELLE
approaches the side door.)
Manny, this is Jannelle.
RICK (Continued)
Hop on in, Jannelle.
JANNELLE
Oh, this will never do. I need to ride in the front seat. I
have terrible car and motion sickness. I can't sit way back
there. I need to sit up there.
RICK
Well, Jannelle, that's Manny's seat. He gets out and helps
people get into the door and helps with their packages and
such.
JANNELLE
And I have a bad back, too. I will probably be okay if I sit
right here by the side door and can see out the front window.
DOUG
I can go to the back seat. She can sit here.
Hi, my name is Doug. What's yours?
It's okay.
JANNELLE
Why do you want to know? I don't know you, why do you want
to know what my name is? Oh, dear me, this is all just too
strange; I don't think I can do this...
RICK
Jannelle was referred to my program by another agency. She
has lived alone in meager circumstances for over ten years.
I'm guessing she must be deep in her eighties and lives in an
open air cabin with no running water or cooking facilities;
she's an advocate of raw food and fresh air. Judging from
the amount of patchouli she's wearing, the fresh air part is
self defense.
--13
JANNELLE
...How do I open the window? There's not enough fresh air in
here. I can smell everyone, because they eat meat!
(Rick has pulled from the side of
the road, but stops the van. He
turns in his seat to face Jannelle)
RICK
The window next to your seat doesn't open, Jannelle.
Besides, the other riders have voted to use the air
conditioning.
JANNELLE
It's unhealthy to keep breathing the same air as everyone
else...I need fresh air
DOUG
We could vote again on the air conditioning thing...
RICK
Thank you , Doug... everyone who wants the air conditioning
on in lieu of open windows raise their hand.
(Everyone raises their hand except
Jannelle.)
RICK (Continued)
And any who want the a/c off and the windows open?
(Jannelle's hand shoots into the
air. She looks around at the other
riders. Doug reluctantly raises
his hand.)
RICK (Continued)
Doug, you just raised your hand in favor of the a/c...are you
changing your mind?
DOUG
I felt bad that Jannelle was the only person voting for the
windows open...
RICK
Are you changing you mind?
DOUG
Well, no, I still want the air conditioning...I just felt bad
for Jannelle.
RICK
There you are, Jannelle, democracy in action.
--14
JANNELLE
If I rode up there
(indicating Manny's seat)
I could just crack the window a little bit and stick my nose
out.
MANNY
What did she say?
RICK
She wants your seat so she can have fresh air from the
window. Let's have another exercise in democracy. How many
people are willing to give up their seniority so Jannelle can
ride shotgun?
(There is a general hubbub among
the passenger. Finally,)
DOUG
I'll give up my seniority for Jannelle.
RICK
Okay, Doug. So of the four of you back there, Doug has the
least seniority. Any one else?
(The rest of the passengers gaze
out their windows)
RICK (Continued)
Sorry, Jannelle, you already displaced Doug once. Manny here
has been riding the van longer than I've been driving; longer
than any of the others here today. The seat you have is the
best I can do.
EMIKO
Maybe you would breathe better if you wore less perfume.
Yeah!
Yes.
A lot less.
KAREN
What is that, patchouli?
Why?
JANNELLE
KAREN
I thought all the patchouli would have dried up by now. The
sixties were a long time ago. I was there, you know. In The
Haight.
Vhat vas dis, The Haight?
You know, San Francisco?
on, tune in, trip out?
URSULA
KAREN
Flower power?
The Sixties?
Turn
--15
I must haf missed dis.
URSULA
KAREN
How could you have missed the sixties?
The nineteen sixties?
URSULA
My husband and I were busy trying to get ourselves and three
children out of Estonia.
KAREN
And everyone in San Fran was trying to get ya "stoned"ia.
Funny, I can remember the great times we had way back then,
but I can't remember what I had for breakfast. Yeah,
patchouli, what a trip.
(She gazes out the window in a
reverie)
Oh, no.
MANNY
Not Miss Mary Sunshine and her whipping boy.
RICK
None of that.
(He pulls to the side of the road)
MARY
Come on, Jack!
(She is talking with a shrewish
voice to someone off stage right)
MARY (Continued)
And don't forget the bags. Do you have your cell phone?
Where's your back pack? Hurry up! You're making every one
wait!! Wait! Where's the cooler? You forgot the cooler!
(To the van)
He forgot the cooler!
MARY (Continued)
RICK
Come on into the van, Mary! I'll go help him.
(Rick gets out of the van and goes
off Right)
Come on, Jack!
MARY
Can't you get any of this right?
(Rick returns with bags and cooler
and Jack shuffles along behind)
--16
MARY (Continued)
Go on and get in Jack. You need to sit on the far side so I
can hear with my good ear.
JACK
Where are we going to sit?
MARY
There are only the two seats left in the back.
Come on back here, Jack.
DOUG
It's a nice day, isn't it?
MARY
(to Jannelle)
Who are you? Are you new? How come you're sitting in Doug's
seat?
RICK
Doug gave Jannelle his seat so she wouldn't get car sick.
MARY
I get car sick all the time. Why don't I get to sit up here?
JACK
I'll bring you a barf bag.
MARY
Never you mind a barf bag. Just get in there so I can get
in.
JACK
You heard that pretty good and I'm on your bad ear side.
RICK
Okay, let's get those seat belts fastened and ready to go.
MARY
Do you need help with your seat belt, Jack?
I can get this.
JACK
It's just stiff.
MARY
Let it go back and pull it again. Is there anyway to change
these seat belts? I'm too short to wear one of these
shoulder belts. They always dig into my neck.
RICK
It's your ninety-seven dollars...
MARY
What ninety-seven dollars?
--17
RICK
That's what the fine is for not wearing your seat belt.
MARY
There ought to be special seat belts for short people.
RICK
You could always bring a cushion or the telephone book.
DOUG
Or maybe a kiddie seat.
That's very funny, Doug.
MARY
I'm not a child.
DOUG
Sometimes you act like one.
MARY
Jack, are you going to let him talk to me like that?
JACK
I didn't hear anything.
Like what?
Switch seats with me.
abusive man.
MARY
I'm not going to sit next to this
RICK
Do you need me to stop the van?
MARY
Yes!
JACK
No!
Stop the van!
Can it wait?
No!
MARY
I want to switch seats with Jack.
RICK
We're on a tight schedule this morning...
Stop the van now!
MARY
KAREN
Am I going to be late for my doctor's appointment?
be late. And it's all your fault Doug!
I can't
DOUG
My fault? How is any of this my fault? I was just trying to
be helpful.
--18
Okay, we're stopped.
RICK
Let's get this rearranged.
JACK
Stand up, Mary, so I can move over.
MARY
You can just stand up, Jack and then I'll just slide.
JACK
I'm too tall to stand up in here...
MARY
Oh, you too with the short comments
You started them...
DOUG
RICK
I don't care who makes the first move, some one do it!
MARY
Don't talk to me like that!
Like what?
RICK
MARY
You can't raise your voice to me.
(on the edge of tears)
No one ever raises their voice to me...
RICK
(very controlled)
I haven't raised my voice. When I raise my voice, you and
everyone in here will know that I have raised my voice.
MARY
(begins to sob)
I am feeling a lot of stress right now.
one in this van likes me.
And I feel like no
RICK
They might change their minds if you just get into your seat
with your seat belt fastened so we can get going.
MARY
And I don't like to be rushed...
RICK
Mary, I need for you to understand that this van is not about
you. You are a part of the group.
(MORE)
--19
RICK (Continued)
And right now, the group needs to get moving because another
part of the group has a doctor's appointment. You can cry
all you want to when you're in your seat with your seat belt
buckled.
MARY
Jack, are you going to make them stop bullying me?
JACK
You need to get your seat belt on...
I can't hear you!
MARY
Speak up! You're on my bad side.
JACK
(clears throat)
Get your seat belt buckled so we can get going.
MARY
So, now you're siding with them.
RICK
Should I just take you home?
MARY
No! We have to go to get Jack's prescription filled at Walmart.
RICK
I can get those meds for you, if you like...
MARY
I have to be there to be sure that they're the right drugs.
RICK
Then get into your seat and buckle up.
(She does)
What was that all about?
MANNY
RICK
You're better off not knowing.
MANNY
Yeah, I had all those lessons from marriage school.
RICK
Yep, you're a highly educated man, Manny.
--20
URSULA
Am I going to be late for my appointment?
reason I came today.
It's the only
RICK
We should be fine, Ursula. If it looks like we'll be late,
I'll call them again.
RICK (Continued)
(aside)
Mary and Jack are an interesting, if not unlikely, pair.
I've known Jack personally for over thirty years. He is,
well, he was, an incredibly gifted wood butcher, a person who
builds homes with just a hint of looking at the plans.
Years ago he built a home for some close friends of mine and
that house can easily be described as a work of art. He's
more of an artisan than a carpenter. Mary I've only known
briefly. She fancies herself an artist. According to her,
she's a classically trained singer, a painter, a stained
glass practitioner, a fabric artiste and a gardener. Jack
had a cardiac episode a few years back that resulted in a
multiple by-pass surgery and she's "given up everything else"
to care for him. I've noticed over the past decade or so,
when people undergo some dramatic surgical procedure in their
later years, the "old" them never seems to recover
completely. Oh, did I mention the 29 year difference in their
ages? She claims to be deaf on the right side. I don't
know, she seems to hear alright when she's not included in
the conversation.
JANNELLE
Would anyone care for a breakfast burrito?
sandwich?
Or a chicken
(She busies herself in her
oversized bag)
Wait a minute, Jannelle.
RICK
We don't eat in the van.
JANNELLE
Oh don't be ridiculous, we can eat anywhere
RICK
Except in this van. The van that was replaced by this one
was over run by cockroaches and ants because people just ate
whatever they wanted to and left crumbs everywhere.
JANNELLE
We can be very careful and leave no trace...
RICK
And the cockroaches started getting into people's homes in
their parcels from the van...
--21
JANNELLE
And make certain that we clean up after ourselves.
RICK
Besides, where did this food come from?
home?
Did you make it at
MARY
We grow most of our food ourselves in our garden. We have
figs and Kale and onions. That's why Jack is so healthy,
because everything he eats is organic.
JACK
I'd have one of those burritos...
What did you say?
MARY
Speak up, you're on my bad side!
I said I... never mind.
JACK
RICK
Jannelle, are those McDonald's wrappers?
Yes they are.
JANNELLE
RICK
Where did you get Mickey Dees?
I got them at McDonalds.
JANNELLE
RICK
When were you at McDonalds?
JANNELLE
Oh, let's see... when was that? That's right, I was there in
Kailua on Tuesday.
RICK
This is Thursday. Where did you keep them since
Tuesday?
Tuesday?
In my car.
JANNELLE
RICK
In your car? You have a car? And you took it to town on
Tuesday? And you left this food in your car? Was it at
least in some kind of cooler? The food, I mean...
JANNELLE
Sort of a cooler... you know, the paper bag...
--22
RICK
Wait, what? You're trying to give out food that hasn't been
refrigerated since Tuesday after noon?
JANNELLE
Actually, it was from Tuesday morning.
breakfast burrito after 10:00 am.
You can't get the
RICK
Put the food back into the bag, Jannelle. There isn't going
to be any snacking on the van ride. And definitely not with
that food. Do you know anything about food safety? Do the
numbers 135 degrees and 40 degrees Fahrenheit mean anything
to you?
JANNELLE
What's the matter with this food? I just thought I'd get
some extra food for the trip today and treat everyone.
RICK
Treat everyone to what, a trip to the ER?
a little taste of salmonella?
Treat everyone to
JANNELLE
What are you talking about, Rick? Are you insinuating that I
might try to make people sick?
RICK
No insinuations are being made, Jannelle. That bag of food
is a gastronomical time bomb. The bacterial growth in that
food has reached epidemic proportions.
JANNELLE
Oh, stop it. The food smells perfectly fine.
rancid, or anything like that.
It's not
MARY
We always eat just what we harvest from our garden. Isn't
that right, Jack? It's how we stay so young and trim.
EMIKO
Just be sure you wash all of your vegetables.
MARY
Oh, no, that washing takes away a lot of the nutrients.
RICK
It also removes most of the disease vectors.
JANNELLE
Well, anyone who wants a snack when
we stop just see me...
DOUG
What have you got besides the burrito?
--23
JANNELLE
The filet of fish is very tasty...
RICK
Especially with a side of food borne bacteria
JANNELLE
Oh, just stop with the paranoia, Rick. No one is going to
get sick from this food. It's from McDonalds.
KAREN
And no one is going to get healthy from it either. In
Iceland, they took the last Big Mac and last container of
french fries and kept them after the last McDonalds store had
closed.
JANNELLE
A fitting tribute!
KAREN
They haven't changed much in appearance in the ten years or
so since then.
JANNELLE
Yes, well a Big Mac is a Big Mac.
KAREN
I mean to say that those particular items haven't rotted or
anything.
See, Rick.
Fine.
JANNELLE
My point exactly.
RICK
Just don't eat them in the van.
URSULA
I don't see anything good about this kind of food. Why can't
we just have real food without all the preservatives and
chemicals?
MARY
And sugar? Why does there have to be so much sugar in
everything? I'm already diabetic and everything has sugar in
it.
What about a drink?
JANNELLE
Can I have a drink?
Does it have a lid on it?
Yes.
RICK
JANNELLE
It's a bottle with a lid. See?
--24
(She holds up a bottle of some
sugary soda)
RICK
It's your pancreas.
Go right ahead.
MARY
We only drink water that's been purified, isn't that right,
Jack?
JACK
And the occasional scotch.
What did you say?
Nothing.
MARY
You're on my bad side.
Never mind.
JACK
MARY
Sugary processed foods are what are poisoning our country.
Everyone should have to plant a garden and grow their own
food. That would solve the health care problem in our
country, too.
What did she say?
MANNY
RICK
Everyone should plant a garden and eliminate health care.
That sounds reasonable.
MANNY
What do the city folks do?
RICK
I think we just let them die.
URSULA
The sugary drinks are better than those fake sugar drinks.
MARY
Not for diabetics...I can't have any sugar.
URSULA
At least sugar is natural. All these fake sugar products are
killing people a little bit at a time.
KAREN
I heard about a woman that drank like seven or eight diet
drinks a day for ten years and died from liver cancer.
--25
JANNELLE
I tried to eat healthy food and lead an active life style,
but it just got to damn expensive. I'm on a fixed income and
I just don't have the money for all that fancy healthy food.
DOUG
I know what you mean, Jannelle. There are some months when I
don't have enough money for any kind of food.
RICK
What about your dog, Doug?
DOUG
She always gets fed, no matter what.
was so bad, I was eating her food.
A couple of months ago
URSULA
Oh, my goodness, what did you do?
DOUG
I mixed the kibble with some water...it wasn't all that bad.
MARY
You see, if you had a garden planted, you could eat from
that. That's what Jack and I do, isn't that right, Jack?
JACK
What ever you say.
What did you say?
Nothing.
MARY
You're on my bad side.
Nothing at all.
JACK
URSULA
I saw a report on Fox News that said the government is going
to cut Social Security so far that none of us will be able to
eat and that they will just let us all starve to death.
RICK
Do you believe everything you hear on Fox News?
URSULA
Why would they lie too us about something so important?
RICK
Why would they lie to their viewers at all?
lot.
I don't believe that.
But they do.
URSULA
You must be making that up.
A
--26
DOUG
I don't watch television very much.
RICK
That's not a bad choice, Doug...
DOUG
But when I was living in Florida, everyone watched Fox News.
URSULA
The Fox News people reported that The President was
responsible for the government shut down and that he was
making sure that Medicare and Social Security would run out
of money.
RICK
First of all, and most importantly, we don't discuss politics
either in the van or at the center. Secondly, it's not The
President who makes funding choices. He proposes a budget
and the congress then has to approve the spending. And,
third and last, your government borrowed trillions of dollars
from the Social Security fund to operate other areas of the
government.
KAREN
And if they don't pay that money back, Social Security will
go broke. Then where will we be?
RICK
That unlikely scenario will never play out in your lifetime.
You can take that off the table of your worries and concerns.
So let's just end this political discussion right now before
we get more misinformed.
DOUG
Being hungry is a very real concern for many of us, Rick.
MARY
I keep telling you to plant a garden. We have all the kale
and figs we can eat. And onions. Two years ago we had
beets. And our daikon is almost ready to harvest.
EMIKO
You grow daikon in your garden?
Oh, yes.
MARY
And it's purple.
EMIKO
Purple? I never heard of such a thing.
not a turnip?
Are you sure it's
--27
MARY
No, it's not a turnip. It's purple daikon. I grew it from
some seeds I bought from a catalogue from the mainland.
EMIKO
I never heard of purple daikon.
MARY
The catalogue says it's very mild tasting.
Purple daikon...
EMIKO
MARY
We eat a lot of Japanese food... miso soup...noodles...one
year we grew mustard cabbage. We ate a lot of saimin that
year.
EMIKO
I never heard of purple daikon...white daikon, yes.
purple.
Never
MARY
Do you have a good recipe for tempura. I would like to learn
to make tempura so I could cook some of the vegetables from
our garden.
EMIKO
I never cooked tempura in a long time, since before Ernie
passed away.
MARY
Maybe you could come up to our house and we could make
tempura together. We always eat the vegetables that we
harvest from our garden. It's how we stay so young and trim.
EMIKO
I never cooked tempura in a long time...
URSULA
Maybe you could make it at the center one day for a food
demonstration.
RICK
I could arrange for the equipment, Emiko.
gas burners
I have my woks and
MARY
I was thinking about just the two of us at my house...
RICK
Wouldn't you like to bring some of your veggies down to the
center so we could show everyone how to tempura.
(MORE)
--28
RICK (Continued)
And show everyone how well your garden produces wonderful
healthy food.
EMIKO
I don't know if...
RICK
Oh, come on... it'll be fun. I can help you. And we can get
some shrimp to throw into the mix. What do you say?
EMIKO
To cook lunch for everyone is a lot of work.
RICK
Nah, we don't have to cook enough for lunch. Just a sample
to show how it's done. And we can probably get Reiko-san to
help, too.
EMIKO
(laughs)
I don't think so. She's a terrible cook.
That's pretty harsh...
KAREN
EMIKO
No, it's true. She burns everything. That's why she only
brings salad and store bought dessert to the potluck.
RICK
Wow! Now that you mention it... what else is growing in your
garden, Mary, that we could tempura? Got any sweet potatoes?
Beans?
MARY
Just some kale...
JACK
We always have kale.
It's good for you.
MARY
It has lots of vitamins and minerals.
RICK
Wait a minute...Jack, aren't you on blood thinners?
How did you know that?
JACK
RICK
Because you get blood work every month.
What is it, Warfin?
--29
Why?
MARY
What difference does it make?
RICK
Eating a lot of kale kind of defeats the blood thinners.
MARY
Oh, you don't believe all that nonsense, do you?
RICK
Dark green leafy vegetables are the best source of vitamin K.
I knew that.
MARY
RICK
Vitamin K is used for clotting factor in blood. When we were
in the war zone back in the day, the military kept giving us
Vitamin K tablets.
And, so...?
MARY
RICK
The reason that Jack is taking blood thinners is to reduce
his risk of clots.
JACK
I knew there was a reason that I didn't like kale.
MARY
Never you mind... we eat kale every day because it's healthy
for us.
RICK
How often do the doctors adjust your Warfin dosage, Jack?
JACK
Every month. Some months it's low and some months it's high.
Should I not eat the kale?
MARY
Just never mind. I know what's best for you.
Rick. You've got Jack all irritated.
Now look,
RICK
I'm not the source of irritation, Mary...
DOUG
Yeah, Mary, it sounds like your feeding Jack a stroke.
Stay out of this, Doug...
RICK
--30
DOUG
I'm just trying to help my friend Jack here...
And he's my husband.
MARY
And I know what's best for him.
RICK
Will you do me a favor, Mary?
MARY
What?
RICK
The next time you go with Jack to the doctor's office, can
you have a discussion with the doctor about what Jack is
eating?
MARY
Why? It's all healthy food out of our garden.
keeps us so young and trim.
It's what
RICK
Okay, Mary, just do that for Jack, please. Everyone, check
your seat belts. We're heading off to Kailua.
BLACK OUT
ACT I SCENE 2 -- MORNING
(ABOUT 45 MINUTES LATER)
RICK
Who needs to use the lua before we go any further?
The what?
The lua... the rest room
JANNELLE
RICK
DOUG
Do you have to pee, Jannelle?
Do I have to what?
JANNELLE
DOUG
You know, PEE...urinate. I do. Some of the medications that
I take make me pee like ten times a day.
--31
JANNELLE
I am not prepared to discuss such delicate matters with the
likes of you nor in front of all these people!
KAREN
Oh, lighten up ferchrisakes. We're all old enough to know
that other people pee, Jannelle.
JACK
I was just about to burst. These drugs make me want to pee
about twenty times a day.
DOUG
What drugs do you take, Jack?
MARY
Just never you mind, Doug. It's no business of yours.
DOUG
I was just curious if we were taking the same drugs. I
finally got rid of the drug that made me want to pee all the
time.
MANNY
Who all is getting out here?
RICK
I'm not sure. Okay, boys and girls, we're a little ahead of
schedule but don't dawdle. We have places to go and people
to deliver to their doctors. The bathrooms are up the ramp
and to the left.
KAREN
What's the next stop?
The VA clinic and then...
Don't forget the bank!
RICK
KAREN
I need to go to the bank.
RICK
Did you remember which one?
And my doctor.
URSULA
I can't miss my doctor appointment
KAREN
And then I need to get blood drawn. That's right, I need to
get my blood drawn before I go to the doctor next week.
JACK
Hurry up and get out up there, I really gotta whiz...
--32
KAREN
Just hold your horses, Jack. We all gotta go.
EMIKO
Are you getting out here...I'm sorry, is your name Jenny?
It's Jannelle.
name.
JANNELLE
No nicknames. It's Jannelle.
That's my
EMIKO
Are you getting out of the van, Jannelle.
JANNELLE
Why do you have to know that?
EMIKO
Because I would like to go and use the rest room.
JANNELLE
And?
EMIKO
I just wondered if you were getting out or if I have to climb
across you to get out the door...
JACK
I'm really not kidding... I have got to go!
Don't whine, Jack.
Well, then.
room!
Please?
MARY
It makes you sound like a wussie boy.
JACK
I'm a wussie boy who needs to get to the bath
DOUG
I'll get out of your way, Jack...I know the feeling.
you me, I know the feeling.
URSULA
And I also have a very important appointment.
so we can get going.
So, hurry up
MANNY
Here, let me help you with that seat belt.
JANNELLE
I know how to use a seat belt...
Okay, everyone just stop.
(They sit.
RICK
Sit down.
Everyone.
Jack is squirming)
Believe
--33
RICK (Continued)
Okay, Jack, come on out... everyone just stay in their seats.
Good. Now, Jannelle, Emiko needs for you to get out so she
can exit the van. Good. Thank you. Now, Emiko-san.
Perfect. Karen, are you and Ursula getting out?
No.
No.
What about you, Doug?
KAREN
URSULA
RICK
DOUG
I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
In or out, Doug?
RICK
DOUG
Oh, I suppose I should go. You just never know when the next
place is going to be.
RICK
Mary, this is the last stop for bladder relief for about half
an hour.
(Mary gets out)
RICK (Continued)
So, Manny, what's up at the VA?
MANNY
I'm about to run out of one of my scrips.
RICK
Is it something I can call in for you?
MANNY
And I need to make an appointment for next month with the
doctor.
Is everything all right?
RICK
MANNY
Yeah, I need him to look at a place on my knee.
those things they cut off my shin last year.
You mean the melanoma?
RICK
I got one of
--34
MANNY
Yeah. Too much sun when I was in drinking school and living
out in the desert.
Kinda scary, hunh?
RICK
MANNY
Nah. I'd just like to get it looked at. Some day maybe
it'll be bad and then I'd just like to die in my sleep. Get
'em to give me some pain meds and just go to sleep.
RICK
Sounds kinda pleasant when you put it like that.
(Emiko returns)
EMIKO
There aren't any paper towels in the ladies side. Lucky I
brought some in my purse. Mary was going to get some from
the men's room.
(Doug comes scurrying toward the van)
DOUG
Something happened to Jack..
RICK
Whattaya mean something happened to Jack?
DOUG
He kinda fell down in the man's room...
RICK
(reaching into the van for his cell phone)
You mean he tripped?
DOUG
Well, no...
Did he slip?
RICK
DOUG
He just kinda keeled over.
RICK
(to Manny)
Keep everyone here by the van.
I'll be right back.
(Looks around)
Where's Mary?
RICK (Continued)
--35
DOUG
She's in the men's room with Jack.
RICK
Shit!
(Exits)
Everyone just sit tight.
extra air.
MANNY
I'll open the back door for some
KAREN
What's all the commotion about?
MANNY
Jack fell down in the men's room.
Were the floors wet?
they're wet...
JANNELLE
They can be really slippery when
DOUG
He kinda like fainted...like he was having a stroke or
something.
URSULA
I just hope it doesn't make me late for my doctor
appointment.
BLACKOUT
ACT I
SCENE 3 -- LATER
(About twenty minutes later.
Everyone is back in their seats but
we are missing Jack and Mary)
MANNY
That was lucky you were there so fast.
got here pretty quickly, too.
RICK
I'm pretty sure he's gonna be okay.
my office.
The ambulance guys
I have to call this into
URSULA
What about my appointment? Am I going to miss my
appointment?
KAREN
I need to go to the bank, too.
--36
RICK
I've got all of that... Everyone just chill for a minute,
please?
(Dials his cell phone)
Hey, Barb, is Elaine in?
me on hold, I'll wait.
RICK (Continued)
Yeah, I need to talk to her.
Put
(To Karen)
RICK (Continued)
Does one of these banks look familiar to you?
KAREN
The next one...
RICK
This one?
No.
The next one.
KAREN
The blue one.
(pulls in)
Here you go.
RICK
RICK (Continued)
Anyone else need to go here?
(There is no answer...then into the
phone)
RICK (Continued)
Elaine, I had an incident at the park while I was driving
into Kailua. One of my clients passed out in the men's room
and it looks as though he's had a stroke. No, the paramedics
took him to the hospital. The wife is with him...everyone
else is fine. Yes, I'm fine, just a little amped up on
adrenaline. Yes, I'm waiting for another client at the bank.
As soon as I get to the office, I'll fax in the report.
Okay, talk to you later.
(Karen returns)
KAREN
Thank you for stopping. I always feel better with some cash
in my pocket. And here, Jannelle, is a couple of dollars for
the fish sandwich.
RICK
You ate the fish sandwich?
--37
JANNELLE
We all had a little something while we were waiting on you
back there.
URSULA
I didn't... I don't want to get sick!
doctor.
I have to go to the
KAREN
Oh, oops. I wasn't supposed to eat before they took my
blood. It's just that I was hungry...
RICK
We'll be at the doctor's office in just a few minutes. I'm
sure they will be just fine when I explain that we had an
emergency. Karen, are you... were you fasting for your blood
sugar?
Yes.
KAREN
I forgot I was fasting.
RICK
They can probably get an A1C... you don't need to fast for an
accurate reading. You should be okay.
DOUG
My doctor was very pleased with my A1C the last time I went
to see him.
What is this A1C?
EMIKO
I never heard of that.
DOUG
It's for people with Diabetes.
I don't have Diabetes...
You're very lucky...
EMIKO
DOUG
EMIKO
I have high cholesterol. My whole family has high
cholesterol. And high blood pressure. It's very common in
Japan.
DOUG
I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol and diabetes.
And I had a quadruple by-pass and a stroke. Sometimes I
think my doctor is surprised I'm still alive.
MANNY
No more surprised that the rest of us.
--38
What was that, Manny?
It was nothing, Doug.
DOUG
RICK
DOUG
Yeah, some morning you'll pull up to my place and there'll be
a swarm of flies.
URSULA
Don't say things like that... it's bad luck to talk about
death.
DOUG
It's just the way of life, Ursula.
the next minute we're dead.
URSULA
I don't like to talk about this.
jeebies.
We're alive one day and
It gives me the heebie-
MANNY
It's the only sure fire way out of life.
RICK
Let's change the subject, okay?
What?
MANNY
You getting the heebie-jeebies, too?
RICK
No, not really. It comes with my job, you know?
people dying. Sometimes it gets to me, is all.
The old
KAREN
When we were in San Francisco in the sixties and dropping a
lot of acid, a bunch of the trippers would be like they were
dead. Yeah. And all of a sudden they'd take in a deep
breath and start laughing or crying. Is it kinda like that?
RICK
No, Karen, these people all die and stay dead.
Yeah, what a bummer, man.
KAREN
RICK
I hadn't talked about Karen before... maybe this is a good
time to do that. Karen was a flower child, just like she
said. And she ended up pregnant and a common law wife to
another member of the age of Aquarius family.
(MORE)
--39
RICK (Continued)
They had a couple of kids and moved here when things started
to fall apart in NoCal. I say here, and that's not entirely
true. They moved to Puna and continued their children of the
land existence, until one night when Karen was on a
particularly bad acid trip, their house burned to the ground
taking their pet dogs and her husband and the three kids and
every possession they had accumulated with it. She was left
with the clothes on her back. I wasn't here then, so I have
gotten the story second and third hand, but the people who
were close to her at that time have said that for months all
she would say was, "I have to start all over". And after
about a year that changed to "Hey! I get to start all
over!". And for the past few years, that's exactly what she
does every day...start over.
URSULA
Okay, then, here we are. I don't know how long this is going
to take. Shall I call you when I am done here?
(RICK hands her a lanyard with a
card attached)
RICK
Have ellen, the receptionist call me when you are ready to be
picked up and I will come back for you.
Good.
Thank you.
URSULA
I will see you later, I hope.
Are you alright, Ursula?
RICK
You seem kind of nervous.
URSULA
The doctor has the results of some tests from a few weeks ago
and I am worried about them.
RICK
I'm sure that they will turn out fine and there is nothing to
worry about. I'll see you in a little while. Okay? Don't
worry.
Okay.
If you say so.
URSULA
(She exits)
That's a bummer.
MANNY
I wonder what the tests were.
RICK
I don't think I want to know. Okay, Karen to the lab and
then everyone can begin their shopping for real.
--40
MANNY
I got quite a nagging feeling about her.
RICK
Get over it. Get your papers together for the VA.
here to have fun, right kids?
EMIKO
I am here to go grocery shopping.
fun?
We're
Is that supposed to be
MANNY
Well, at least you don't have to worry about making tempura
for a while...
JANNELLE
Is this group always this gloomy?
DOUG
We're not gloomy. I'm really looking forward to getting my
prescriptions filled and having lunch.
RICK
And please make certain that you get right into the pharmacy
line so we can all your medications filled today. Okay,
Karen, here we are. I'll be back for you in a little while
after I drop everyone else off and get Manny to the VA.
KAREN
Do I need one of those tag thingies?
In case you forget about me?
With the phone number?
RICK
Karen, there is no way I'm ever gonna forget about you. Go
on in and don't forget to tell them that you broke your fast
earlier.
DOUG
I have seven prescriptions to get filled, Rick.
going to take a long time?
Is that
RICK
Yes, Doug, which is why I'm reminding you to go straight to
the drop off counter first thing. Okay? Doug? What did I
just say to you?
DOUG
Something about prescriptions...?
RICK
This is very important. I don't have time to walk in there
with you today. Listen carefully.
--41
I'm listening.
DOUG
RICK
Get your prescriptions in your hand, okay?
DOUG
Okay, I'm getting them out now...
RICK
When you get into the store, go straight back to the
pharmacy. You got that?
(DOUG nods)
Repeat what I just said.
RICK (Continued)
DOUG
Put the prescriptions in my hand and walk straight to the
pharmacy.
RICK
And then what are you going to do.
Have lunch?
Before that.
DOUG
RICK
DOUG
Go to the bathroom and wash my hands?
RICK
Before that... are you going to turn your prescriptions into
the counter?
Oh, yeah...I forgot,
DOUG
RICK
So, one more time, what are you going to do?
DOUG
Take my prescriptions in my hand and go to the pharmacy and
turn them at the counter.
Good.
You got it?
I got it!
RICK
DOUG
--42
RICK
Okay, kiddies, here we are. It's just now ten o'clock.
Let's meet out here at...what?... Noon? Can everyone be
done by noon?
(They start to exit the van.
JANNELLE takes three steps out of
the van and falls down. The others
gather around her.)
JANNELLE
Help me up.
RICK
Are you in pain?
Yes.
Help me up.
JANNELLE
I want to go back into the van...
Did you hit your head?
I don't think so.
up.
RICK
JANNELLE
Please, this is so embarrassing.
Help me
RICK
I need to see you start to get to your feet.
What do you mean?
Okay.
Get up.
JANNELLE
I fell down and I want to get back up.
RICK
JANNELLE
I can't. Are you going to help me or do I need to get
someone else to help me?
RICK
I need to visibly see you attempt to get to your feet, and
then I'll get help.
(She tries and yelps in pain)
RICK (Continued)
And that's why I won't help you up.
(Takes his phone from his pocket
and dials)
RICK (Continued)
Yes, I need medical please.
(MORE)
--43
RICK (Continued)
In Kailua, at the entrance to the WalMart store. A woman in
her eighties has taken a spill and has a possible fractured
hip. Yes, I'll get her comfortable
(There is the sound of an ambulance
in the near distance as the lights
fade to black)
END OF ACT I
ACT II, SCENE 1
The lights come up on RICK and MANNY as they enter and get
into their seats in the van.
RICK
I'll run you over to the VA and then go get Karen from the
lab. She's probably figured that I've forgotten her by now.
MANNY
That whole fiasco didn't take nearly as long as I thought it
was gonna take.
RICK
There's still the paper work. The main thing is that she was
clearly out of the van when she went down. It's an incident
and not an accident.
MANNY
Incident. Accident. What's in a name? She's on her way to
the hospital. What happened that made you think her hip
might be broken?
RICK
When you've seen a couple of those kinds of falls and the
helplessness lying on the ground, you can pretty well guess
which ones are getting up and which ones can't make it.
Besides, a part of riding the van is you have to be able to
get in and out without assistance.
(RICK'S phone rings)
RICK (Continued)
This is Rick. What's up, Elaine? Yeah, she got out of the
van and was walking toward the store entrance and was
completely free and clear of the van. No, ma'am, I wasn't
out of the van. My shotgun had opened the slider for her and
she had gotten out.
(turns to MANNY)
--44
RICK (Continued)
How far was Jannelle from the van when she fell?
MANNY
A couple of steps at least...maybe eight or ten feet?
RICK
(back into the phone)
No, a quick glance around the area didn't reveal any debris
or unsafe conditions. I looked around after, as well. There
was nothing to report. She just fell. The ground was level,
too. I have some photos of the area in my phone. Yes, there
were...I'll list all of the witnesses in my report as soon as
I get to the office, if I ever get there. I still have two
others to pick up and one more to drop off
MANNY
I don't have to go to the VA today...
RICK
(puts a finger in the air)
Yes, you're right, it's not the average day at all. If this
was the average day, I'd have retired a long time ago. I'm
feeling pretty stressed out right about now. Okay, I'll talk
to you later.
MANNY
I can just go the next time we're in town
RICK
Let's just get 'er done! Besides, we're right here. Wow,
looks like you hit a busy day. I'll be back for you in a
little while. Wait out here when you're pau.
What?
MANNY
RICK
Wait out here when you're done!
MANNY
Yeah, it's gonna be a lot of fun.
today...
Lots of people here
RICK
Whew! What a day and it's just beginning. I don't want to
spoil this for you, but we have a minute while I drive over
to find Karen. So, Jack did have a stroke. He's resting
comfortably at the hospital and there doesn't seem to be any
residual damage or paralysis. Mary's son is there with her
getting the brunt of her abuse. Jannelle did break her right
hip...the orthopedic doctor doesn't know whether she broke
her hip and fell or fell and broke her hip.
(MORE)
--45
RICK (Continued)
She's scheduled for surgery in a couple of days. Incidents
like these involve paper work...not my favorite part of the
job. And, here's Karen waiting patiently by the entrance to
the lab. This should be an interesting conversation...
RICK (Continued)
Sorry I'm running a little late, Karen. We had a little
incident...
KAREN
A little late? A little late?? Do you know that I've been
sitting here and waiting for nearly an hour. I thought you'd
forgotten about me and I was worried that I was going to have
to hitchhike home. Not that I haven't hitchhiked before. I
have...many times. I'm just not sure about doing it these
days. You hear stories, you know, about women being taken
advantage of by strangers giving them rides and taking them
to remote areas and molesting them.
RICK
Karen, you're eighty- how much?
KAREN
I'm eighty-four, not that that is any of your business.
RICK
I'm just guessing, and I may be wrong about this, that at
your age, you don't fit the profile that rapists are driving
around searching for...
KAREN
Rape is not a passion experience, Rick, it's a crime of
violence. Violence directed at women no matter what age they
are.
RICK
It's just that there are very few men looking to abuse their
grandmothers...
KAREN
Is that an attempt at humor, Rick, because I don't find it to
be funny. Rapist perceive women as being weak and therefore
as targets for their abusive fantasies no matter their age or
physical appearance.
RICK
I apologize for my comment...
KAREN
While you're in an apologetic mood, explain why you left me
here alone and being victimized by my fears for so long.
--46
RICK
Jannelle... do you remember Jannelle?
I'm not stupid, Rick.
KAREN
She was the one with the day old food.
RICK
Yes. Just after she exited the van, she fell.
may have injured herself pretty badly.
That's too bad.
starving!
I think she
KAREN
Did she leave the bag with the food?
I'm
RICK
Didn't you have the fish sandwich about an hour ago?
KAREN
That was an hour ago...I'm hungry now
RICK
Well, I probably saved you from yourself. I tossed the bag
o' ptomaine into the trash when the medics were loading
Jannelle into the ambulance.
Ooom...ooooom...ooooom
What's that all about?
What?
What's with the "oooom"?
KAREN
RICK
KAREN
RICK
KAREN
I'm just breathing through the hunger.
exercise. Ooooom...
I see
It's a meditation
RICK
KAREN
Back in "The Haight", we sometimes went for three or four
days without food. We found that we could survive the hunger
around the fast by meditating. Ooooom...
RICK
I see. When was the last time you ate?
sandwich, that is.
Before the fish
--47
KAREN
I think I had breakfast...
What did you have?
RICK
KAREN
I don't remember...oooom...
RICK
Okay, then, here you are... Maison du WalMart, home of the
Arc d'Or. Luncheon is served.
(He gets out and opens the slider
with a flourish)
I don't need much here.
Easily an hour.
doctor.
KAREN
How much time have we got?
RICK
I haven't heard from Ursula.
She's at the
(His phone rings)
RICK (Continued)
There's the doctor's office now. Maybe we get to head back
early.
KAREN
Maybe that's a good thing...all of a sudden, I don't feel so
well.
Do you need to sit down?
RICK
KAREN
No... my stomach...I need to get to the toilet...
(She runs off with her legs held
tightly together)
RICK
(re-enters the drivers seat. to the phone)
This is Rick. What? Okay, I'll be right there
BLACK OUT
ACT II, SCENE 2 (O.S.)
(Rick exits the van and walks up to an obviously
distraught URSULA)
What's this all about?
RICK
--48
URSULA
The doctor got back the results from the tests I took the
week before last.
RICK
Yes, I remember your daughter had to bring you into town.
URSULA
It was such a busy day and some of the tests went on for a
long time. I was so tired, I couldn't come to the center the
next day.
RICK
Yes, they were nerve tests, or something, weren't they?
URSULA
Yes, the the pain in my back and shoulder.
accident happened.
When your car got hit?
I got it when the
RICK
Wow, that was a couple of years ago.
URSULA
That's right, almost three years since then.
RICK
So, what did the doctor have to say?
URSULA
And you remember that I banged my head bad, too?
RICK
Yeah, the airbag didn't deploy.
And?
URSULA
The doctor says that I have something growing in my head.
A tumor?
RICK
URSULA
He said some thing about meningeal tissue...
What?
RICK
URSULA
The tissue around the brain. He said the chances are that
it's benign, but they can't be sure without a biopsy.
RICK
Oh, my God, Ursula, this is terrible news.
fingers crossed that it's benign.
Let's keep our
--49
URSULA
If it's malignant, he says I'll be dead in a couple of weeks,
so he wants to do this as soon as possible.
Of course.
RICK
How can I help? What can I do?
URSULA
My daughter is coming to pick me up and she should be here
any minute now. I wanted you to know that I won't be going
home with you today. Here is the card with your phone
number.
RICK
When is all this going to happen?
URSULA
Tomorrow morning. I have to go to the hospital the first
thing in the morning. And then they will run some more
tests.
RICK
I am devastated, Ursula. I don't know what to say. Please,
keep me informed about what is going on. And know that I am
quite concerned for you.
URSULA
Now, look, here is my daughter pulling in. I have to go back
inside with her to see the doctor and get instructions for
tomorrow. And she has your number in her telephone, so she
will keep you up to date. Thank you.
RICK
Thank you, Ursula. And be well.
(He gives her a brief hug and then stands and watches
as she walks off. Then turns and walks to the drivers
side and gets in, obviously shaken. and then he
drives off.)
RICK (Continued)
This job becomes increasingly difficult when the people with
whom you have established relationships become the victims of
their advancing age. I have known Ursula personally for
decades. I know her family. I've been with them for
celebrations and family events. She is more than a mere
client, more than a friend. She is like a part of my family.
I try to stay increasingly more distant from some of the
newer members of my group...my peeps...but the more time I
spend with them in my life, the more involved I become.
Times like this are the reason I need to detach, it's just
too hard because I care so much.
Get in, Manny.
RICK (Continued)
How'd everything go in there?
--50
MANNY
Okay, I guess. Ron wasn't in today and the girl that was
helping me doesn't speak very loudly.
RICK
Do I need to go in and straighten things out?
I don't know.
MANNY
I think she understands.
RICK
Let's go back and get this done.
She was pretty busy.
Okay?
MANNY
I sure appreciate you being my ears. Ron always talks loud
enough for me to hear, but he's not in today.
Yeah, you said that.
Yes.
RICK
Is that your paper work?
MANNY
RICK
Bring it with you and let's go see if we can get this done.
BLACK OUT
ACT II, SCENE 3
Thanks for your help.
hear what's going on.
MANNY
Wow, that sure is easier when you can
RICK
She almost had it right. And I'll call the 800 number
tomorrow and get the rest of this taken care of.
MANNY
I'm a lucky guy to have someone like you to be my ears. All
of us that ride with you are very fortunate to have you doing
what you do. What am I gonna do when you get ready to retire?
RICK
All of you will manage some how. I mean, you all got along
pretty well before I started working here.
MANNY
I can't speak for the others, but my life is a whole lot
better with you here.
*
--51
RICK
It's nice that you feel that way. Sometimes I feel like I
can't make a difference. It's been a trying day. Let's go
and see whether everyone's ready to go.
What about your reports?
MANNY
RICK
They'll just have to wait until later. Whoops. Looks like
it's just Doug and Emiko. Karen said she wasn't feeling well
when I dropped her off.
(they pull up to the curb)
Where's Karen?
RICK (Continued)
DOUG
Isn't it a beautiful day? Karen was just here. She had to
go back to the bathroom. Thanks for picking us up.
EMIKO
The store wasn't very busy. I got finished so quickly. I
left my list at home, but I think I got everything. Where is
Ursula? Isn't she done yet?
RICK
She's not coming home with us.
up.
Her daughter came to pick her
DOUG
It must be nice to have family so close by. I don't have a
family, but if I did, I'd want them to live some where near
me.
EMIKO
I think it's just fine that children live their own lives.
My children and Ernie's children all live so far away, but
they're happy with that and so am I. I can see them when I
want to.
RICK
How long ago was Karen here?
EMIKO
She left just before you pulled up.
DOUG
And, if you ask me, she didn't look so hot.
What do you mean, Doug.
RICK
--52
DOUG
You know, like she was having, you know, that thing that
women do...
Do you mean menstruating?
Shhhh!
RICK
DOUG
Do you have to say it so loud?
RICK
Doug, how old do you think Karen is?
DOUG
I don't know, maybe in her eighties.
Why?
RICK
Women generally end their monthly cycle in their fifties. I
think there is little chance that Karen is producing eggs on
a regular basis any longer.
DOUG
Well, she looked pale and was acting like she had cramps.
That's all I'm saying. Didn't she look bad, Emiko?
EMIKO
I'm not sure about cramping, but she didn't look very good.
RICK
Probably her fish fillet sandwich coming back to visit. I
tried to warn you all about eating that food this morning.
DOUG
Do you want me to go look for her?
RICK
No, I don't think so...then I'd have two people missing with
little likelihood of either returning anytime soon.
MANNY
You can go look for her...I'll stay right here with the van
in case someone needs to move it.
RICK
Okay. No, wait, here she comes.
so we can go.
Sorry.
Let's get in and get seated
KAREN
I had to go back to the bathroom.
Are you sure?
alright?
RICK
You don't look well.
I'm better now...
Are you going to be
--53
KAREN
I can't imagine that there is anything left in me to
evacuate.
RICK
Anything there taste fishy to you?
That's not funny.
It wasn't intended to be.
KAREN
RICK
KAREN
Okay, smarty pants, how come nobody else got sick?
Who else ate that food?
Which food?
RICK
DOUG
KAREN
That MacDonald's food that, what's her name, again?
Jannelle...
RICK
KAREN
Yeah, that's right, that leftover food that Jannelle brought
this morning.
EMIKO
I didn't have any....Doug had a couple of burritos, I
think...
DOUG
Yeah, they were good. Sausage and egg with some salsa.
sausage was kinda spicy.
The
RICK
Just what the doctor ordered for your cholesterol.
DOUG
I think the salsa counter-acts the cholesterol.
KAREN
Maybe this wasn't the food...It may be the flu, or something.
Got any fever?
RICK
--54
KAREN
(feels forehead)
Well, no...
Body Ache?
No...
Runny nose?
No...
RICK
KAREN
RICK
KAREN
RICK
I'm betting against it being the flu.
DOUG
I had a flu shot this year and I still got the flu.
RICK
Yeah, a lot of people did that.
KAREN
Maybe it's a different strain that just makes you vomit and
gives you the runs without the other stuff.
RICK
Yeah, probably. It's probably the "fishy sandwich" flu.
off-shoot of the "pork sausage and salsa" flu
An
EMIKO
I never heard about either one of those...
RICK
They're very rare strains...sometimes diagnosed as food
poisoning.
EMIKO
(with a very straight face)
Oh, you were joking. I get it.
RICK
Trust me, Karen has it and it's no joking matter.
Karen?
Right,
KAREN
We can stop talking about this at any time. In fact, can you
go a little faster, Rick? I'm starting to get the cramps,
again.
--55
RICK
I can't do much about the traffic, Karen.
DOUG
Uh, Rick, can I ask you a favor?
RICK
It all depends on what it is, Doug
DOUG
Can we go back to WalMart? I forget to pick up my
prescriptions.
What happened?
MANNY
Why are we stopping?
RICK
Doug forgot to pick up his scripts.
EMIKO
Can't he get them tomorrow? Why do we need to go back?
DOUG
I'm sorry, everybody, I forgot to pick them up and I am out
of one of them that I really need.
KAREN
If we can get a move on, I could run into the bathroom again.
RICK
I'm just waiting for traffic to clear...there we go. Doug,
didn't we have a long discussion about getting your meds
before you got out of the van?
DOUG
Yeah, I know. And I'm really sorry. I just got caught up
with Jannelle falling down. That's her name, isn't it,
Jannelle? She was a nice lady giving us food this morning.
It's too bad that she fell down. Maybe I could take some of
my Reiki class to the hospital to help her heal.
MANNY
What's that rake-ee stuff all about?
DOUG
It's all about focusing energy and helping to re-establish
the chi in the body. Do you have blockages, Manny? I bet
you do. I could clear those for you.
MANNY
Do you use a rake? Is that what you do? I'm not sure i want
my chee re-established. Mostly not from you
--56
RICK
Be nice, Manny, Doug's just trying to be helpful, I think.
MANNY
He could really help by remembering to pick up his stuff.
EMIKO
Can we just drop him off and go on to Keauhou?
of shopping to do.
I have a lot
RICK
That's exactly what we're going to do. Those who need to get
out here can wait while I take the others to KTA and come
back.
KAREN
I don't think I can make it to Keauhou at this point.
to get out here.
DOUG
I'll only be a moment picking up my medications.
all be ready by now.
I need
They should
RICK
And it's after noon so the line at the pharmacy will be about
twelve deep. You're going to be about forty-five
minutes...maybe more at this point
DOUG
I could cut to the front of the line...
RICK
And displace some Auntie who's been waiting for her things
patiently for nearly an hour? Yeah, good luck with that...
I can try...
DOUG
RICK
Just go and get into the line...the back of the line... and
wait your turn. I'll be back.
(DOUG and KAREN exit)
MANNY
Thank you for not making the rest of us wait for them.
RICK
I'm concerned about Karen. She looks like she's really sick.
I wonder if she's been able to keep anything in her gut, at
all.
--57
MANNY
She shouldn't have to eat for a day or two the way she tore
into those two fish sandwiches.
RICK
Two?
MANNY
You'd think she hadn't eaten for a while
Yeah, two.
RICK
Why don't people listen when I warn them about stuff like
that? Who else ate that food?
MANNY
Everyone except Emiko and me. And Jack and Mary, because
they were up in the bathroom with Jack's problem.
EMIKO
I don't eat that kind of food anyway.
didn't want any of that even more.
Good choice.
I was listening and I
RICK
MANNY
There was an article in the paper a couple of weeks ago that
said many cases of food borne illness is mis-diagnosed as
flu...apparently some of the symptoms are similar.
True.
RICK
The big difference is the fever with the flu.
EMIKO
I haven't had the flu since I started getting the flu shot
every year. Ernie thought it was a good idea to get it and
so we did every year. I still get it even though ernie is
gone.
MANNY
Say, how come we're not going the scenic route today?
RICK
I need to get the two of you down there and come back for the
others. This is the faster way.
MANNY
I was hoping to check out the beach bunnies when we went
past.
RICK
Satisfaction denied...maybe the next time and we'll drive
really extra slow for you.
--58
MANNY
I try not to delay anything. At my age, you never know if
there'll be a next time.
RICK
Ha! You? You'll probably outlive everyone else here.
Mister "No Stress At All". as active as you are, you'll
probably die in a fight in a cat house at the age of ninetynine.
That would be just fine.
What is this "cat house"?
MANNY
EMIKO
(MANNY and RICK look at one another
and then start to laugh)
EMIKO (Continued)
What did I say that was so funny?
BLACKOUT
END OF ACTII , SCENE 3
ACT II, SCENE 4
(MANNY and EMIKO are out of the van)
RICK
There are times when dealing with old people is frustrating.
There are those rare times when it can be very rewarding.
There are the many times when it's a lot like dealing with
kindergartners. And through it all, you are required to
maintain a certain sense of dignity. Social workers warn you
about the stress levels associated with becoming attached to
the people you are engaged in providing service for. And to
not be angry when the unexpected happens. It's hard. And
there are very few people who understand what the social
workers who deal with the elderly experience. Sorry for
burdening you with this, but sometimes it feels good to just
vent.
Okay, Karen.
any water?
RICK (Continued)
You look terrible. Have you been able to drink
KAREN
Not since this came on...I tried a sip out of my bottle just
a few minutes ago and it came right back up.
RICK
Were you in the rest room?
--59
KAREN
No, I was sitting here on the bench. At least I made it over
to the trash can before I heaved. Doug used the bag that had
his medications in it.
RICK
Where is Doug?
He ran off to the toilet.
caught up with him.
KAREN
I think the burritos finally
RICK
I was half hoping he'd dodge that bullet.
the van?
I'll try.
Can you get into
KAREN
I feel pretty weak.
RICK
You're probably dehydrated. Just sit right here and I'll go
and see if I can find burrito boy.
KAREN
Please, don't make me laugh...
I'll be right back.
RICK
(He exits. She rises and starts to
slowly move toward the van with
great effort, finally collapsing on
the bench. RICK enters)
RICK (Continued)
I found him. He was eating an ice cream cone. He said it
might settle his stomach. Then he ran back to the restroom,
again.
KAREN
I may never eat fish again. Oh, my God.
ever been this sick before.
I don't think I've
RICK
I wonder if I should get the medics here to deal with the two
of you.
No! Well, not for me.
to sleep.
KAREN
I just want to crawl into bed and go
RICK
I'll get you home as quickly as I can.
(MORE)
--60
RICK (Continued)
If anything changes on that, let me know. And here's a trash
bag, in case you have to...you know. Great, here comes Doug.
(DOUG gets in looking wan)
DOUG
That was a mistake. I thought the ice cream would coat my
stomach; I thought wrong.
RICK
Here's a plastic trash bag in case you feel the urge to...
you know.
DOUG
This is terrible.
I just want to die.
beautiful day.
And it was such a
RICK
Do you want me to call the paramedics. You're kinda fragile
after all you've been through. I don't want you taking
chances.
DOUG
No, I'll just suffer along here in silence.
get home quickly...
If we can just
RICK
I will do my utmost. First, we have to pick up Manny and
Emiko. Then we'll take the by-pass and get home as quickly
as possible.
(He drives in silence. KAREN and
DOUG are sitting with their eyes
closed)
Okay, then.
Here we are.
What happened to them?
RICK (Continued)
Where are they?
Oh, here's Emiko.
EMIKO
They look sick
RICK
Well, yeah, they're not feeling well.
EMIKO
Maybe the flu, do you think?
No, I don't think so.
RICK
Are you ready to go?
EMIKO
I ran into my friend Noriko and she said she would like to go
get sushi and sashimi...
--61
(KAREN groans)
EMIKO (Continued)
So I just want to get my things. She will drive me home
later, if that's okay with you, Rick.
That's fine.
favorite
RICK
I wish I could go with you.
Sushi is my
(A louder groan from KAREN)
But not Karen's anymore.
RICK (Continued)
(MANNY comes walking up)
MANNY
Sorry, I thought you'd be longer. There's a free sample
table giving away samples of a frozen bean and pork burrito.
(DOUG does a little dry heave.
EMIKO turns to leave)
EMIKO
I'll see you tomorrow, Rick
MANNY
Looks like you're driving a meat wagon.
okay?
Are they gonna be
RICK
I hope so. Let's get them home as quick as we can.
MANNY
(indicating EMIKO)
Is she coming with us?
RICK
No, she got a better offer.
MANNY
Sometimes I wish I had a better offer.
RICK
Better than hanging with me?
MANNY
Nothing personal, you're not really my type.
RICK
I didn't know you had a type.
--62
MANNY
Well, I don't, but if I did, you wouldn't be it.
RICK
Thank God!
DOUG
Rick, can I ask a big favor? I know I already had one today,
but I really need something.
Sure, Doug, what is it?
RICK
DOUG
Can you go by the hospital and drop me off.
should go home feeling like this.
I don't think I
RICK
You gonna be okay until we get there?
Sure, Doug.
DOUG
I think so... just hit the minimum number of bumps, please...
KAREN
Rick?
RICK
Yes, Karen?
Can I get out there, too?
KAREN
BLACKOUT
END OF ACTII, SCENE 4
ACTII, SCENE 5
(RICK is sitting in the driver's seat as MANNY
approaches carrying mail and enters the passenger seat)
What's the matter?
RICK
Something in the mail?
MANNY
You'd think that after all this time they would get this
right...
The VA again?
RICK
MANNY
Yeah, they sent me a bill for a co-pay again. I filed my
"Means Test" on time and they still got it wrong.
--63
RICK
It's too late to call the 866 number today. Give me the
paper work and I'll call them tomorrow morning and get it
straightened out.
MANNY
I get so irritated when this happens.
who don't have you around?
*
What do other guys do
RICK
They have kids or nephews who can use the phone or computer
to work out the kinks. Don't get all upset. I got this,
okay? No worries.
MANNY
You don't know how much eighty bucks means to me.
RICK
I know exactly how much it means. I helped you fill out your
last 1010, remember. You don't make enough to keep a mouse
fed.
MANNY
And I get these bills and I worry about how I'm going to pay
them. I just don't need that aggravation at all.
Manny, I got this.
RICK
You don't have to worry.
(RICK's phone rings)
RICK (Continued)
This is Rick. How can I help you? Oh, hello, Elaine. Yes,
I know. I'm just going to drop this one last client off in a
few minutes and then I'll write every thing up and FAX it in.
No, I offered to bring them back to the view, but they were
feeling so bad, they just wanted to stay at the ER. I warned
them about eating that food, but they were hungry and didn't
want to offend the new rider. I think they learned their
lesson...I hope they learned their lesson...
(somewhere in this monologue, MANNY's head should slump
forward and he should remain motionless through the
end of the play!)
Yes, while we were at the ER, I was able to see Jack. He was
resting comfortably and is speaking quite coherently.
There's a little paralysis on the left side, but the doctor
feels like that will go away in a day or so. Lucky for him,
if there is anything lucky about a stroke, that we were only
a few minutes from the hospital. What's that? No, the son
came and took the wife home, so I didn't get a chance to
speak with her. The other woman, Jannelle was pretty heavily
sedated and incoherent. I think she thought I was her
husband or boyfriend or something.
(MORE)
--64
RICK (Continued)
She was very specific about some minor sexual perversions she
had in mind for me to perform. I should have gotten my phone
camera out and recorded our conversation...more like her
monologue...I could have written a book...FIFTY DARKER SHADES
OF GRAY...yeah, I know. Okay, I have to drop off my main
man, Manny. Yes, I'll drive carefully. Aloha.
RICK (Continued)
(to MANNY who doesn't respond)
There you go, sport. And thanks for your help today.
you big time for all that you did today.
I owe
(Seeing no response from MANNY,
RICK nudges his shoulder)
Yo, wake up, bud.
RICK (Continued)
You're home. Manny. MANNY!
(RICK exits the van and opens the
passenger side door. Checks for a
carotid artery pulse and finds
none.)
RICK (Continued)
I'm glad you got your wish...just go to sleep and not wake
up. Thursdays just aren't gonna be the same without you, my
friend.
(RICK goes to the front of the van
and sits on the ground, pulls out
his phone and dials. Lights slowly
fade under the following)
RICK (Continued)
Yeah, hello...I'm not sure ...Police, I guess...I need to
report an unattended death...
THE END