1. business and industrial

d You
Shoul Uber?
n
Call a
The Secret Spirit Animals of
Your Favorite Tech Titans!
maY 2015
SIGNS
TO
POINT
YES
Crafts!
Clothes!
Product
Iteration
Strategies!
ask advice
columnist
anything!
WHERE DID OUR
CLASSY, CEREBRAL
MAGAZINE GO??
AND WHO IS
RESPONSIBLE FOR
THIS NONSENSE?
SEE PAGE 82!
Quiz!
Who Is Your
Tech Big
Sister?
s
g
n
i
k
i
V
“The ir Day”
e
h
T
f
o
MA RI SS A?
❤
❤
❤
WITH
T
E
S
N
O
H B O ’s
F
O
T
S
T H E C A N VA L L E Y
SILICO 4
FREE POSTER
Pin it up in your
room OR pin it on
your Pinterest
page!
CARLY
?
RANDI?
PAGE 8
Airbnbeefcake!
Win a sleepover with
Brian chesky.
Move Over, One Direction and 5SOS!
We’re crushing on the
PayPal Mafia
The Latest Emoji-Powered Looks from Betabrand
catcH tHeir tecH and faSHion SHoW at tHe cHapeL on maY 12–14!
+
The
❤❤
Zuckerpup
❤
may 2015 | San francisco
81
Quiz!
Who
Is Your
Tech
Big
Sister?
1. What is your favorite
class in school?
A. Introduction to Computer
Science
B. The Microeconomics of
Competitiveness: Firms,
Clusters, and Economic
Development
keep us afloat, especially in the
Chinese market.
B. Engineer a merger.
Marissa
8. Your old users are
deserting you. What to
do?
A. Hire Katie Couric to do
something or other. She’ll figure
it out.
earrings ($4,180), Cartier Tank
Americaine watch (price upon
request), Alexander McQueen
Heroine leather tote ($2,595),
and Via Spiga velvet flats ($185).
B. Whatever’s the opposite of
that “so yesterday” haircut that
Barbara Boxer has.
C. Drama!
C. A pink boa! So much fun!
2. Would your parents
ever trust you to babysit?
4. What’s the hardest part
of running a business?
A. Sure, I’m good with kids.
With adults, not so much.
B. Making my mark so that
C. I’m a kid at heart, so
C. Choosing the right shade of
blue for my brother to use on
the logo.
I can run for the Senate or—
better yet—for President.
please don’t saddle me with
responsibilities.
5. The best way to fight
sexism is to do what?
3. What’s your signature
look?
A. Be the #ladyboss.
B. Quit whining. Whining is for
A. Balenciaga floral jacquard
full-skirt dress ($4,903), Ileana
Makri diamond solitaire stud
Randi
B. Don’t look at me, I got fired.
C. We have their data, so it’s
impossible for them to leave.
Democrats.
C. Write a book that’s kind of
about sexism, but mostly about
myself.
6. What’s the best way to
motivate your company’s
employees?
A. All-hands-on-deck meetings
on Friday afternoons.
B. No nonsense. If I have to fire
33,000 of them, so be it.
C. They should all listen to me
doing karaoke.
7. A rival firm is
disrupting your space.
What’s the right move?
Count up your
answers. Which letter
did you choose most?
Mostly As: Marissa Mayer.
You’re a high-powered
executive who actually knows
how to code. Now, if you can
just avoid another shareholder
revolt.
WELCOME to the inaugural issue of Techie Beat, a fever dream of San Francisco,
dedicated to the hottest founders, bombest companies, and cutest animals of
Silicon Valley. You may have a few questions. Like, what happened to the sophisticated, worldly magazine that i was reading a couple of pages ago? fear not—
we’ve just creatively destroyed it! We hope that tweens of all ages will gush over the
games, gossip, and guys in this magazine-within-a-magazine. remember: the
tech world isn’t overheated, it’s just warming up—and Techie Beat is here to cover it.
82
San francisco | may 2015
A guide to Silicon Valley’s losers,
lame-oids, and left-behinds.
Ever feel bad after
talking trash about
a stranger on
social media? Ronson, in his new
book, So You’ve
Been Publicly
Shamed, argues
that you should,
because online
mobs can have real
consequences. Us?
No way. Hashtag
activism is so
much easier than
the real thing.
Mostly Bs: Carly Fiorina.
Conquering the tech world
was just a start for you.
What’s sweeter? First woman
president—or beating Hillary
Clinton? Why not both!
Mostly Cs: Randi
Zuckerberg. Everything is
just so Dot Complicated these
days! So share your wisdom.
What better way to give back
than to help all the little people
who can’t just call Mark to fix
their problems.
A. Just buy it. If I’m lucky, it’ll
Disruptive Innovation—
for Tweens!
,
E
T
A
H
LOL! H
ATE,
HATE
Jon ronson
A. Reinventing a big company
from the purple logo on up.
B. In fact, I already run a
successful franchise of licensed
sitters. Would you like to speak
with our customer service
representative?
C. I let my little brother worry
about that stuff. I’ve got to fly
off to Davos.
Haters Gonna
daVId
caMpos
The Mission district supervisor
wants to increase
regulations on
Airbnb and pause
new luxury construction near the
24th Street BART
station. What’s
wrong with him?
We thought he went
to Stanford like
everybody else!
TECHIE BEAT Is...
Word Jedi and Joke Whisperer
Scott Lucas
Head Visual disrupter pete ivey
Image goddess nadia Lachance
advice ninja Brit morin
senior fashionability samurai
chris Lindland
director of factual engineering
elise craig
Hackers-in-residence
Lauren Seward and Sarah Stodder
tIffany
sHLaIn
The awardwinning filmmaker promotes a
“technology sabbath”—one whole
day a week to
unplug and spend
time as a family.
Bo-ring! Looks like
somebody won’t
be returning messages on Kik.
eVgeny
MoroZoV
The Belarusianborn scholar
recently argued
in the Baffler that
in the absence of
a radical political
project to overcome the neoliberal merger of the
militarized state
and late-period
capitalism, any
critique of technology that treats it
as an independent
domain of discourse is doomed
to impotence.
What a nerd!
❤
saraH Lacy
The founder of
tech blog PandoDaily got into a
major spat with
Uber just because
a top executive
threatened to dig
up dirt on her. As
if! This mean girl
thinks she’s a Taylor, but she’s really
just an Iggy.
LOVE
u
o
y
s
g
n
i
h
t
.”
ll the
k
a
r
o
n
o
w
s
n
u
w
c
o
o
F
r
“
about you
Q:
Q: My boss is totally young and hot and awesome—but he’s
also my boss. Is it OK to date him? I really shouldn’t, right?
—Eunice C.
A: First things first: This is probably a question for your HR
department—many companies have policies on work relationships that you should be aware of. Second, you should be sure that
you’re not doing anything to jeopardize your job. You worked hard
for that position, and you wouldn’t want to let it slip away. Finally,
it’s probably best to just be friends at first. Get to know this guy
so you can tell if he’s *actually* worth the risk, because—let’s be
honest—he usually isn’t.
From apps to
accessories,
there’s no
question that
Brit Morin, the
crafty founder
of Brit + Co,
can’t answer.
on all the things you love about your own work. If you can’t think
of anything, maybe it’s time to look for a new job.
Q: I just got my first job—it’s in the Valley, and I’m so
excited! The problem is, I don’t know what to wear to work.
I’ve always tried to dress up, but everyone else is wearing
hoodies. I don’t need to look like Marissa Mayer, but I don’t
want to be a slob. What’s a happy medium? —Jane A.
A: You can definitely find a happy medium between super-dressy
and super-casual, especially in Silicon Valley. Pair a nice blouse
with your favorite skinny jeans, or a basic white tee with a pencil
skirt. Heck, I’ve even worn my own startup T-shirts with a nice
Q: I feel like such an imposter sometimes. I worked
hard in school, but now I’m at my first job, and
everyone seems like they’re from Harvard or
founded a company when they were still in college. I don’t feel like I measure up. Help!
—Kelsey L.
A: I felt the same way when I started my first job
at Google. Everyone else was from an Ivy League
school, and I’d graduated from the University of
maxi skirt. Do whatever you want, and stay true to your personal
style! Bonus: For more outfit inspiration, check out workwear
ideas on Brit + Co (brit.co/tag/work-style).
Q: My boyfriend and I met at Google, and now he’s going
to Twitter. Should I go to Twitter too? I know that
sounds crazy, but we spend so much time at work that
we hardly see each other outside of it. —Elise T.
A: If you’re happy at Google, stay there! It’s important
Texas. I learned very quickly that a willingness to
to follow your own career path and make the right deci-
roll up your sleeves and work hard is actually the
sion for YOU (not him). If that path takes you to Twit-
key to success. Your company believes in your
Q: My best friend is building a new app. I
don’t think it’s very good, but she keeps
asking me for feedback. How do I come
clean without hurting her? —Beth M.
A: Situations like this can be difficult
and awkward. If the shoe were on the
other foot, wouldn’t you want her to be
straightforward with you? In the long
run, your honesty will help her build a
better product. Find a way to tell her
what you think without being judgmental. Constructive criticism is key!
Q: My BFF just got equity, and I’m
starting to hate her. Can we stay
friends? —Kim P.
A: Of course ! When you’re feeling
down about your nine-to-five, focus
ter, great! If not, just send each other DMs all day to
stay in touch while on the job. #realtalk
capabilities—believe in yourself too!
Q: There’s a super-cute girl in my shared
k
s
A it!
r
B
❤ Love
❤❤
Puppy
office space, and I really want to ask
her out, but I’m afraid our work
will get between us. Help!
—Daniel B.
A: Go for it! Just know that
you have to keep your work life
and your private life separate.
And never, ever let her know
that you stalked her on Tinder
before you actually asked her
out in real life.
Brit Morin is the founder and
chief executive officer of Brit +
Co, an online hub for makers.
DOG OF THE MONTH:
BEAST
A million dollars isn’t cool. You know
what is? The fluffy canine friend of
Priscilla Chan and Mark Zuckerberg.
may 2015 | San francisco
83
?
F
B
m
a
✴
e
✴
r
D
r
You✴
Which Tech
Hottie Is
✴
No way—I can
use this to my
advantage
somehow.
Of course! I’m all
about ethics in
dating.
A rival is
moving in on
your boo. What
do you do?
Bad-mouth her in
an off-the-record
dinner with a
journalist.
Pay her teachers
to give her Fs.
✴
Mostly stars, but
sometimes the pile
of poop.
✴
The prom
is coming up.
Where do you
want to go for the
after-party?
The hottest new
restaurant in my
current
location.
Really, really,
ridiculously
goodlooking.
If your date could pick
you up in a dream vehicle,
what would it be?
A solar-powered
rocket ship to carry
humanity to its
destiny among the
stars.
A private island
in Hawaii!
✴
Would you take
a ride on the
Hyperloop?
Eh, I’d settle for
just really goodlooking.
No chance. Why
travel anywhere
when I can talk to
people online from
everywhere?
Moving 760 miles
per hour in a
low-pressure
pneumatic tube?
Sign me up.
✴
✴
✴
TRAVIS
KAL AN
the Bad
Boy
IC K
itive Boy
or
Next Do
the Boy
Would you
rather date Iron
Man or Doctor
Doom?
Iron Man, duh. I
want to steal the
arc reactor that
protects his
heart.
Doctor
Doom’s
villainy sets
my boots
a-quaking.
SEY
the Sens
AN
OPPELM
T
S
Y
M
JERE
A big expensive
sailboat that
makes me go,
“Wheeee!”
✴
✴
OR
JACK D
Disrupt your
romantic life with
this quiz.
I have a big blue
check mark.
I’m elite.
How
good-looking
should your
BF’s hair be?
Which emojis
do you use the
most?
The fist.
Always the
fist.
What
makes you the
coolest kid in your
high school?
Your crush has food
in his teeth. Do you
tell him?
Start here:
✴ ✴
U
ELON M
SK
rt Boy
the Sma
L ARRY
ELLISO
N
lso
re and A
the Matu Villainous
Outright y
Bo
What’s the Secret
Spirit Animal
of These Tech Stars?
Net worth, companies founded, number of
Teslas in the garage—there are many ways to
rank these cuties. But the most important
one? Spirit animal!
Jonathan Ive:
DOLPHIN
Jack Dorsey:
PEACOCK
Mark Zuckerberg:
RATTLESNAKE
an adult rattlesnake can shed its skin up to four
times in a single year. that’s nothing! Zuckerberg has been known to change his hoodie up to
eight times in a single year. So cool!
Elon Musk:
PEREGRINE FALCON
the fastest bird alive, a peregrine can reach
speeds of 200 miles per hour—but that’s nothing
compared to the 25,000 miles per hour that the
SpaceX stud needs to reach escape velocity.
Jeremy Stoppelman:
FERRET
Just look at him!
this airbnbeast is all about nesting.
We’d love to stay warm in his river
dam made of sticks and mud. Well,
it’s not actually his. He’s renting it
by the day.
“BLIND GOSSIP”
a certain homeless-basher
turned into a homeless-crusader
for more reasons than just saving
his reputation. unless he finds
a new job soon, he’ll be living on
the streets too.
irony alert: this S.f.–based forum
website’s ceo accused her old
firm of subtle gender discrimination, but hosts a cesspool of
overt hate speech about women
and minorities. that gets our
downvote!
This security firm founded by PayPal alums is said
to have helped the United States government find
Osama bin Laden. What it doesn’t want anyone
to know is that it did it by tracking his orders for
SpongeBob collectibles on Amazon.
this piano-playing Bush
administration official
recently joined the board of a
certain file-sharing company.
She wants people to think
she’s hip to new technology,
but her friends say that she
did it because she thought it
might help her find the weapons of mass destruction.
Which enthusiastically named Internet portal is feeling
a little down in the
dumps after spinning off its Chinese
e-commerce site?
Maybe it’s time
for another CEO
makeover?
Should
You Call
an Uber?
Game!
Yes!
Follow this
handy flow chart
to find out!
Where
are you
going?
A hot party
in the
Mission!
Is there
surge
pricing?
Yes, but
only at 3X.
Back home
to the
Marina to
kick it with
my besties.
Do you
have the
Lyft app
on your
phone?
Yes, but the
cars are 25
minutes
away.
All i have on
my phone
is Snapchat
and Uber.
A natural
disaster
just struck,
so, uh,
yeah.
Did you
hear about
Travis
Kalanick’s
latest
public
meltdown?
I’m sorry,
who?
Sean Parker:
THE GREAT
EAGLE OF MANWË
WHO LIVES
IN THE MISTY
MOUNTAINS
these emissaries of the King
of arda swooped in to save
Bilbo, thorin oakenshield, and
their companions during the
Battle of five armies—just like
this hacker from a hobbit hole
has carried our hearts
to safety.
Brian Chesky:
BEAVER
P S S S S S S T:
This old-school
venture capital
firm may be
kicking itself for
missing out on
an early-stage
investment in
Twitter, but it’s
breathing easy
after winning a
major gender
discrimination
lawsuit.
Sleek. Spotless. graceful. if Sir Jony had
designed this aquatic
animal, he wouldn’t
have changed a thing—
but it would have had
a much shorter
battery life.
designing his own blue jeans. glass blowing.
Japanese tea ceremonies. nothing’s too aesthetically pleasing for this eye-catching disrupter.
Yes, but I
don’t care.
Whip out
your
smartphone
and dial
up a ride!
Of
course!
Taxis are
smelly and
for the
olds.
Can you
see any
yellow
cabs?
Can I see
any what?
I have no
idea what a
“cab” is.
Yeah, one
is honking.
Being needy
is such a
turn-off.
Go for
it!
Workers’
rights are
sooo lame.
Game!
Match the Startup
to Its Emoji!
1. Yo
A.
=
+
2. Chubbies
B.
+
>
3. Meerkat
C.
+
D.
=
E.
/
F.
+
=
G.
+
+
8. Uber
H.
+
=
9 . The League
I.
*
4. Tinder
5. MonkeyParking
6. Airbnb
7. Zynga
#twitterfails
Ever hit the tweet button, then die of embarrassment? These
tech honchos know the feeling. So awkward, you guys!!
OMG
+
=
ansWer Key: 1c, 2H, 3a, 4f, 5B, 6e, 7i, 8d, 9g
HOT, NOT, OR LAMEBOT?
RANKING THE ROOKIES FROM
Y COMBINATOR
Although YC is hush-hush about the companies it funds, we
know which incubator graduates we’d invest in. Here are the
hottest—and nottest—from the Winter 2015 class.
Industrial Microbes
Produces microorganisms that convert natural gas into industrial chemicals.
HOTNESS RATING: 1 We don’t believe in chemicals. #allnatural
Nomiku
A home sous-vide machine.
HOTNESS RATING: 3 come on. even we know how to soft-boil an egg.
Predictive analytics that allow parking lots to optimize pricing.
HOTNESS RATING: 5 cool idea, we guess, but what’s up with that name?
Lully
A device that vibrates soothingly under a child’s mattress to prevent night terrors.
HOTNESS RATING: 6 #BabysittingWin
Luka
A chat bot that recommends restaurants.
HOTNESS RATING: 7 as long as the bot can highlight gluten-free, paleo, foam-based
establishments, we’re so down.
Cinder
A smart version of the George Foreman grill.
HOTNESS RATING: 10 So much want!
90
San francisco | may 2015
THE TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE WORD
JUMBLE
Bet you a million bitcoins you can’t unscramble these company names!
1. ZBLIV 2. TDGG 3. OSATAM
4. CGOONM 5. WREVS 6. PBOUM
7. ZIPER 8. TAKO 9. LEGVUN 10. KIIP
ansWer Key: 1. VZiBL 2. gdgt 3. Smaato 4. ngmoco 5. SWrVe
6. mopuB 7. preZi 8. oKta 9. VungLe 10. Kiip
Smarking
Aries
Taurus
Gemini
Cancer
(June 21–July 22)
(July 23–aug. 22)
(aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Career: don’t back
down from a new
challenge—even you
can be 100X.
Love: make a move on
that cute South asian
boy before his student
visa expires.
Wellness: Wearing
Lululemon pants 24-7
is as beneficial as
going to yoga.
Career: put that
philosophy degree to
work—ask your customers how they know
they want extra foam
on their latte.
Love: the only way to
find out if that hottie
is a furry is to ask him.
Yiff yiff!
Wellness: Sitting
desks are the new
standing desks.
Career: rethink your
plans for a startup—
airbnb for coldpressed juice may not
work.
Love: taskrabbit
someone to date
for you.
Wellness: the Singularity won’t be coming
for decades, so keep
taking that multivitamin.
Career: Where you
go to college doesn’t
matter as much as
what you learn while
you’re there. Jk! Stanford is for winners.
Love: He’s tall, dark,
and handsome on
okcupid, but his
whole profile is a lie.
Wellness: drink more
kale smoothies.
Career: the world
tells you that your
idea for a toastersharing app is wrong.
the world is wrong
about toastr.
Love: it’s cool that
your sexuality is
different. the Valley
embraces all kinds of
young rich people.
Wellness: Your coffee
needs more yak butter.
Career: don’t worry
about which company
you’ll work for after
graduation. there
won’t be any left after
the bubble pops.
Love: Your Snapchat
boyfriend is cheating
on you irL.
Wellness: disrupt
stress with an 8 a.m.
office dance party.
(march 21–april 19)
(april 20–may 20)
ge
Larry Pa
3/26
Mark
rg
Z u c k e r4b e
Libra
Mayer
Marissa
Susan
Wojcicki
Leo
Virgo
cicki ahil Lavingia
Anne W/o2j8
S
/25
HOROSCOPE
5/1
Your
Techie
(may 21–June 20)
5/30
7/5
7
8
Trust the stars—
not Big Data—for
the truth on work,
love, and health.
Scorpio
(oct. 23–nov. 21)
Sagittarius
Capricorn
Aquarius
(Sept. 23–oct. 22)
(Jan. 20–feb. 19)
(feb. 20–march 20)
Career: meerkat may
be the new Yo, but
periscope is the new
tablehopper.
Love: now is not the
time for romance.
Wait until you’re
acqui-hired.
Wellness: is it possible to subsist entirely
on Blue Bottle? Yes—if
it’s iced and served
out of a kegerator.
Career: maintain
your work-life balance
by spending several
hours of your workday
on pinterest (does not
apply to employees of
pinterest).
Love: You can be as
happy with a rich man
as with a poor man, so
date a Vc.
Wellness: turmericinfused mud baths.
Career: as long as
you do what you love,
it doesn’t matter who
was evicted from
your mission flat to
make room for you.
#tooreal
Love: Zuckerberg is
married—to a pretty
md, no less—but don’t
let that stop you.
Wellness: Vitamin
water is not a food.
Career: Your company’s products are
infantilizing and intrusive. But omg, those
stock options!
Love: Hold out for
at least a 10X Bf.
#BestLife
Wellness: next time
you’re in Hawaii, go
paddle-boarding
with marc Benioff. So
restorative!
Career: it’s never too
late to learn to a new
coding language.
Love: You’ve been
looking for love on
muni and failing. time
to buy a ticket on
private bus Leap.
Wellness: next time
at coi, ask for the
nonfat version of the
abalone foam.
Career: You’ve only
been at your company
for three weeks, but
you deserve a raise.
#Leanin
Love: the hot new
dating app isn’t
tinder. it’s eye contact
with randos.
Wellness: Bring your
laptop to Soulcycle
and achieve inbox
zero.
tings
Reed 1H0a/s8
orsey
Jack D
/19
tz
Safra/ 1Ca
vie
tikov alerie Wagoner
Aaron / 2L7e
Lila 1T/r2e5
V
2
2/28
11
(nov. 22–dec. 21)
12
(dec. 22–Jan. 19)
1
When to Rock Your Disco Hoodie
All your startup tees in the wash? Never fear. Our friends at Mission retailer
BetaBrand have put together a spring collection that’s sure to leave you looking
Monday: put a bird on yourself with
this bluebird-patterned sundress with
side-seam pockets.
tuesday: unicorn tank top. guaranteed to protect you from “black magic
and evil incarnations.”
Pisces
Wednesday: poo-emoji pocket dress.
ftW.
it’s the
tHursday: #Leanin to your new
corner office with this navy executivepinstripe hoodie.
.
frIday: a gold reversible disco hoodie
plus gold disco track shorts are the
perfect look for casual friday.
may 2015 | San francisco
91