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How to Save Your Marriage – Reignite The Passionate and Trusting
Relationship You Deserve
By Rachel Edison
~~~
Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2013 Rachel Edison
All Rights Reserved.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given
away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an
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purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy.
Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Are You In An Unhappy Relationship That You Want To Save?
Relationships can be rocked without notice. Despite several weeks, months or even years of love,
affection and bonding, two people can suddenly become distant and want to leave each other, for a
number of reasons.
Though that might unfortunately be the case in your situation, you MUST understand that any
relationship or marriage, no matter how disastrous the current situation may be, can be saved and
nurtured back into health IF you know EXACTLY how to fix it.
Download The Ultimate ‘Save Your Relationship’ Resource Pack 100% FREE
www.seductionsorcery.com/relationship
Click Here for Instant Access
Disclaimer
No part of this report may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, electronic, or
mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any informational storage or retrieval system
without express writer, dated and signed permission from the author.
DISCLAIMER AND/OR LEGAL NOTICES:
The information presented herein represents the view of the authors as of the date of publication.
Because of the rate with which conditions change, the authors reserve the right to alter and update
their opinion based on the new conditions. The report is for informational purposes only.
While every attempt has been made to verify the information provided in this report, neither the
authors nor their affiliates/partners assume any responsibility for errors, inaccuracies or omissions.
Contents
Introduction
When should you stay and when should you walk away?
Try altering your approach....
Helping Your “Silent” Partner Become More Open
Effective Strategies for Resolving Conflict
How to Rebuild Trust
Strategies for a Relationship Lacking Sexual Intimacy
How to Reignite Passion
Cautions and Remedies
What are Realistic Expectations?
When Professional Help is Advised
You Deserve a Healthy Relationship
Where To From Here?
Are You In An Unhappy Relationship That You Want To Save?
Introduction
People, unlike machines, don't come with user guides. Instead, we gain our early knowledge about
the life's workings from our parents (and occasionally, grandparents) - folks who have weathered
the storms and can share the wisdom they've gained about life's various pitfalls. Parents today,
though, with their attention increasingly shifting away from the household and towards more
personal spheres like career and recreation, have less time to play this role for their children.
This is especially true for relationships. Today's generation, by and large, has had nobody to guide
them through the many intricacies of love, lust and infatuation. As products of the sixties, a time
closely associated with rebellion, self-indulgence and other excesses, their parents weren't always
the best role models (to put it mildly).
The upshot of all of this is that we've got a generation making its way through the murky realm of
relationships with all the care and sophistication of an unguided missile - hurtling aimlessly towards
separation, divorce and other disastrous consequences. The statistics, by now, are common
knowledge: just about everybody can recall off the top of their heads that half of all marriages end
in divorce, with things getting markedly worse for second and third marriages.
There is so little in the way of proper relationship guidance in this day and age that, rather than
wondering why so many marriages fail, we might be better off asking why any of them succeed at
all! Of course, it's not all doom and gloom - we know, after all, that love, care and passion can hold
a relationship together in the face of great adversity - but even the most loving and passionate
couple can only hold out so long if there are deep, persistent problems in the relationship itself.
Most couples who have been married for over two decades will agree that maintaining their
relationship is most challenging at times, so much so that they may have even contemplated ending
their relationship at times. However, these same couples will likely also agree that there are
substantial rewards in putting the effort into creating a happy and healthy relationship.
So what is the winning combination that creates a successful relationship? Start out with
commitment and dedication, plus willingness to compromise, and even sacrifice, if necessary. Add
to that the comfort of close friendship, the sweetness of passion, and the ability to focus on the light
side of life and have fun. That’s what it takes!
Inevitably there will be crises in a committed relationship--some readily resolved and others that
may shake it to its foundations. These can feel catastrophic when they occur--as if everything you
were counting on has been wrenched away. This can lea to the depths of despair. Losing a
committed relationship can be one of the most traumatic life events there is. What you once thought
was safe and secure can turn into a volatile mix of confusing events in which nothing seems clear or
safe. You may fear that you will inadvertently do something that will have catastrophic
consequences.
You likely know what this is like if you have been in a significant relationship for some time. Even
though you are one-half of a couple, you may feel all alone in your desire to stay in your
relationship, particularly if your partner is no longer available to you emotionally or physically, or
seems to lack a commitment to deal with the issues.
In such a situation there is both good news and bad news: it is up to you to deal with it. You may
question how that can be good news. Taking responsibility for your relationship is empowering.
You will discover that you are not a victim and that you have more power than you think to make a
positive impact on your relationship. The important first step is to take responsibility.
Because no action exists in isolation, your every action results in a reaction. Changes you make on
your own behalf will necessarily result in changes in your relationship. Therefore, the secret to a
good outcome is to learn what changes you yourself can make that will spill over into your
relationship.
Contrary to what we would like to think, problems in relationships always include both people....
Our first and natural inclination is to become defensive and blame our partner for the problems we
are experiencing. As much as it is painful to admit, we have also had a part to play, whether or not
we intended to. One person does not create problems on his own. (For grammatical ease, the male
pronoun is used in this eBook. Please don’t be offended if you are a man.)
Let’s say you are married and your husband is treating you disrespectfully. What about the bigger
picture? Is this typical of how he treats others? If so, who? If it is only you who receives this
treatment, that is enlightening. If that is how he consistently is in the world that is good information
to know, as the odds of him treating you well are then lessened. If that is not his basic character,
then in some way you are allowing him to mistreat you in that way.
This point is central to this eBook:
However your partner treats you, whether that is loving, kind, disrespectful, or abusive, you have
taught him how to do so.
While this may seem shocking, it actually offers hope. If you take responsibility for having taught
him how to treat you, you can then also take responsibility for “un-teaching” him. This may take
time, but it can be done! That does not guarantee that it will happen, as some people are not capable
of sustaining a positive relationship. In that eventuality, you are faced with the decision as to
whether or not you want to continue in the relationship. I’ll explore that possibility later...
Whatever the situation, hard work is involved. If you are still with me, I hope you are willing to do
what it takes! The payoff of a happy relationship makes it worthwhile, right?
Although both partners are involved in relationship problems, don’t take this to mean that you
caused his unacceptable behavior. He must also take responsibility for his choices. If your actions to
this point have not brought about the results you desire, then it is time to attempt some different
strategies. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different outcomes is crazy, so stop
what you are doing and start over with some new strategies. Only then can you expect new
outcomes.
Ready for exciting change and new sanity? Then let’s continue....
Although this is hard to accept, the only person you can change is you!
Don’t forget that.
If you have any hope that this eBook will teach you how to remake your partner, or find ways to
control or manipulate him, toss that false hope into the garbage. That is a dead end street. (If I knew
how to make someone else change, I’d be insanely rich.)
If that doesn’t work, what then?
Before you continue reading, check out this amazing free video which shows you how to actually
text the romance back into a dead or dying relationship
Important Video To Watch Now: Text the romance back
http://www.seductionsorcery.com/go/txtromance
When should you stay and when should you walk away?
Recently a young woman requested my advice regarding her relationship. She described a
tumultuous relationship in which her partner continually vacillated about whether or not he wanted
to be with her. He had broken up with her many times, only to change his mind a short time later
and seek reconciliation. When with her, he might engage with her for a short time, and then
withdraw to be alone for a while. Conflict was frequent and it did not take much to set him off.
She wanted to do what was right and did not want to end her relationship with him.
Seriously?
While there were more details to what she related to me, the general theme was an unstable,
unhealthy, conflictual relationship with a man who had some major issues, both personally and in
his relationship with her.
I asked her why, given her unhappiness and his characteristics, she continued in that relationship.
She responded that she sincerely loved him. (Unfortunately, this is a frequent response.)
I asked her whether she really loved him as he was, or as she hoped he might potentially become.
I share this account because it highlights a central question that must first be honestly asked when
having conflicts about your relationship:
Is there enough health in your relationship to make it worth continuing?
Often the answer to this is “yes,” but you have to make your own determination. If what this
woman shared with me was accurate, I question whether her relationship was worth salvaging. I
would place it right at the bottom of the scale--absolutely, positively, undoubtedly, for sure not
worth saving. (That’s a bit dramatic, but I wanted to make my point.)
There are a number of scenarios in which your relationship might be in danger or not worth
continuing. If any of these resonate with you, it may be better to honestly face the fact that, as
painful as it might be, it is better to end your relationship than to keep pouring energy into it.
Sometimes it is better to cut your losses than allowing them to keep building. Here they are:
1.
Your partner has a pattern of being unfaithful to you, or refuses to end a current affair.
No matter how you look at it, cheating in your relationship is destructive. While it is not true that a
cheater will never change, there is no valid excuse to cheat with an affair. Your partner having an
affair is not a reason to automatically terminate your relationship, and many couples manage to
come through this crisis with a strong relationship in the end. However, this is a serious problem
that must be addressed.
If your partner is chronically unfaithful and does not wish to change his behavior, he is
disrespecting you and being extremely selfish. This is damaging and destructive of any trust you
might have in him, and it could also have deleterious consequences to your health if he is involved
with many sexual partners.
2.
You are being abused.
Abuse spans a wide range of behaviors: verbal, emotional, sexual, and physical. These are all
expressions of varying degrees of violence. Abuse, especially when it is sexual or physical, is
intolerable and can have tragic outcomes. Many people, mostly women, are murdered every day by
abusive partners. If you are in a relationship where you are experiencing significant abuse, you need
to leave before you become a statistic.
I strongly advise you to find professional support if you are experiencing any abuse. If your abuse is
violent, you need to find a safe place to stay, even if that means going to a shelter. It is important
that you determine why you are tolerating being abused. If you continue to allow your
victimization, you are telling your partner that you are deserving of mistreatment and are not
deserving of being treated respectfully and lovingly.
3.
Your partner is an addict.
Addictive behavior can be highly destructive to any relationship. The list of addictions is long:
gambling, alcohol, pornography, sex, drugs, alcohol. The reality is that the addiction comes first,
and you will not be the priority in his life. Unless addicts are willing to admit their problem and
accept help, the changes are low that they will change--ever.
4.
Your partner chronically lies.
A partner who lies habitually can’t be trusted. Without honesty there can be no trust, and your
relationship will not be healthy or happy.
5.
Your partner frequently disrespects you, disregards your feelings, and/or does not appreciate
your input.
A healthy relationship is based on mutuality. If you are being disrespected or disregarded, your selfesteem will end up being damaged, and you may build up anger and resentment. Your love is not
being reciprocated in such a relationship, and you end up being hurt.
6.
Your partner is irresponsible.
Irresponsible behavior creates frustration and conflict, and negatively impacts your relationship in
many ways.
7.
You and your partner engage in continual conflict.
While it is normal to experience some conflict, constant conflict is highly stressful and ultimately
destructive. If children are exposed to this, it is particularly damaging to their emotional health.
While professional couple therapy might be helpful, there is a chance that such a relationship will
never work.
If you resonate with any of these scenarios, it is time to do a careful analysis of your relationship.
The cost of trying to save such a relationship is often high, and the prognosis is poor. If you and
your partner seriously commit to the necessary treatment and/or professional support, there may be
a future for you together. As much as you may hope for a favorable outcome, these kinds of issues
tend to not have good outcomes, and you may end up paying a high price.
On the other hand, if your relationship does not fit in the scenarios outlined above, keep reading. If
both you and your partner are essentially healthy and reliable, I have some suggestions on what you
can do to make your relationship work (even when your partner is extremely stubborn).
Pointers on How to Respond to a Stubborn Partner
Now that we are on the topic....
Perhaps you are living with a partner who is stubborn and you want to save your relationship. It is
natural to be stubborn at times, and is something we all do, as we want to maintain aspects of our
life that are important to us, whether they be values, beliefs, or behaviors that are meaningful to us.
It is often the fear of loss of one sort or another that leads us to hang on to what we have.
However, stubbornness can become extreme, and living with such a person is an exercise in
frustration, especially when conflict is experienced (and stubbornness tends to breed conflict). In
such a situation you may feel extremely frustrated and exasperated. Stubbornness can become
entrenched, and your partner may have developed expertise in using it. After all, there is a payoff in
taking an unwavering position and therefore not needing to consider other factors. Also, there may
be some perverse satisfaction in frustrating one’s partner.
And if you become highly invested in making him change his mind, heaven help you!
But don’t give up prematurely. There are effective strategies in working with a partner who is
stubborn. You don’t have to embrace a fruitless power struggle in which you ultimately have to
give in or give up. Diggings in will only exacerbate matters.
Try altering your approach....
Here are some potential strategies to do so:
1)
Power struggles are not worth the frustration and stress they cause. You will end up feeling
defeated, frustrated, resentful, and indignant if you engage in them.
The basic concept here is embodied in the quote, “If you can’t beat’em, join ‘em.”
Do your best to find something in common, rather than keeping defending yourself. This is not easy
to do, as our natural tendency is to push back and defend ourselves, or become aggressive towards
our partner. As this is counter-productive, it is time to pull back, breathe deeply, and take another
perspective.
2)
Start by attempting to understand your partner’s perspective, as it likely has some truth to it.
Find and acknowledge any points on which you agree, no matter how small they are. When you
discover points in common on which you agree, some of the intensity is removed from the struggle,
and your partner may become somewhat more open to seeking a common solution.
3)
Openly share how you feel with your partner using “I” statements. This is disarming, as
“you” statements tend to be perceived as blaming and may, indeed, misrepresent your partner’s
reality. You may be assuming that your partner understands what you are feeling, but he may be
resisting because you are not making yourself clear and are not clearly letting him know what you
are feeling.
For example, let’s say he is messy when getting ready for bed, not putting his clothes away and
leaving them scattered around on the floor. Without blaming, calmly say, “When you leave your
clothes lying around I don’t feel appreciated or respected. At the end of the day I’m feeling tired
and would be so happy if you would ease my workload by placing your clothes in the laundry rather
than leaving them lying on the floor. It would also make me feel happier when sleeping with you.”
Make your statement sincerely without any hint of blame, and don’t repeat it.
Since he was expecting to be scolded, this approach will surprise him. Listen to what he has to say.
If he doesn’t say anything, ask him whether he would share his thoughts or feelings so you can
understand him better.
4)
Blaming or attacking will only entrench his stubbornness, so never engage in those
behaviors.
5)
After you share your feelings with him, give him some time and space. Impatience and
demanding increases stubbornness, as does persistence for an immediate response. Maybe he needs
some time to process what you said.
6)
When he responds, listen carefully to him and let him know you value his feelings and
thoughts. Ask questions so that you are clear about his position. Don’t interrupt him when he is
talking or counter what he is saying.
7)
Confrontation or antagonism will only reinforce what you do not want--defensiveness and
stubbornness. If you can create an exchange that feels safe for him, he is much more likely to
respond in kind and be open to participation.
8)
Nagging is counter-productive. Never engage in it. Even if you get your way by nagging,
your partner will become resentful as a result.
9)
After your partner has shared his perspective with you, ask him to listen to what you have to
say. After all, relationships are built on give and take. (While you deserve to be listened to, if you
take that approach it will likely be unproductive.) Then calmly share your thoughts and feelings
using “I” statements.
10)
It is possible that this approach won’t work because your partner is too entrenched in his
stubbornness, or you may find yourself becoming angry and frustrated when using it. If that
happens, couple therapy may be indicated. (If your partner won’t go with you, then you can go
alone.) A professional in the area of couple relationships is a neutral third party who can help
identify the underlying issues and help you find ways to become more successful.
Helping Your “Silent” Partner Become More Open
Almost invariably, a troubled relationship has communication problems. Often, one partner is
desperate to communicate and resolve issues while the other one is unwilling (or unable) to do so.
Open communication is essential to create a healthy relationship.
In its portrayal of relationships, Hollywood has not helped matters. Think of the “strong, silent”
man or the “mysterious, alluring” woman. While these stereotypes may seem appealing in the
movies, in reality this is not a model that works well in relationships. My father was the strong,
silent type, and this was most difficult for my mother. They did not separate, but the cost to my
mother (and their relationship) was high. There were periods of tense silences with palpable
frustration. We all knew something was wrong, and it took its toll on all family members.
In the latter part of their lives, my parents did learn to communicate more effectively. Perhaps my
father softened with age. After my mother almost died on one occasion, he may have gained a new
perspective on the value of his marriage.
Instead of having to wait for a traumatic event to occur, let’s look are some strategies that may
improve your communication patterns with your partner. Sometimes it does not take much to
dissolve the barrier of silence.
Before I get to what works, let’s first consider what doesn’t work. There is overlap here with what
doesn’t work with the stubborn partner:
1)
Nagging never works. In fact, it only makes the situation worse, adding fuel to the fire. It
results in opposition and resentment, and entrenches the opposite of what you want. If you are
nagging, you must stop doing so immediately!
2)
Begging and pleading. Engaging in this approach is counter-productive and will not result in
positive change. In doing so, you are putting yourself down and making yourself less attractive to
your partner.
3)
Becoming angry and upset. Upping the ante by making an emotional scene won’t be
productive either, and will cause your partner to resent you even more.
4)
Engaging in criticism and complaints. Pressuring your partner to talk will result in him
deepening his silence. He may feel defeated and hopeless, and so keep his thoughts and feelings
internalized. l
5)
Becoming demanding. Placing pressure on your partner just increases resistance.
6)
Interrupting him. When he does speak, if you interrupt him you will tend to shut him down
again, as the message you are giving him is that you don’t care what he has to say, and what you
have to say is more important. Is this the message you want to communicate?
7)
Engaging in threats or ultimatums. These strategies are not effective and reduce your power,
making you look desperate. If you give an ultimatum and then don’t carry through, the threat is
empty and you lack credibility.
If the above strategies don’t work, what does?
1)
Start by calmly sharing your feeling with openness and honesty. Take the lead and model
how you would like to make your relationship work. Let your partner know that you are genuinely
interested in what he is thinking and feeling. Perhaps you have not been a good model and have not
been completely open or honest.
2)
Don’t be impatient. Patiently allow time for a response from your partner. He likely does
not find it easy to open up and may need to take time to express himself. He may be cautious
because he does not want to create more conflict as a result of what he shares. He may not trust that
you will listen to him non-defensively and may become reactive. Don’t make his fears a reality!
3)
Choose a good time and place. Timing is crucial here. Don’t try to have your partner open
up when there is a lack of privacy or other pressing matters stressing him. When he is hungry or
tired, or when the children are yelling is not a good time. A good conversation needs a relaxed
atmosphere when other needs are not pressing.
4)
Listen actively. This is critical. If you want him to talk and then interrupt or react in any
way that is critical or judgmental, you will shut him down. He will be enticed out of silence only
when he feels safe and validated for what he has to say. He may be cautious at first as he assesses
your emotional tone and decides whether you can be trusted to openly listen to him.
Effective Strategies for Resolving Conflict
Conflict is a given in any relationship. It is not possible for two people to live together long-term
without differences arising. Unfortunately, many couples can’t effectively deal with and resolve
conflict, with the result that their relationship suffers.
Unresolved conflict may start out small but then escalate into something big. Major wars start over
small incidents. It is like not attending to a small cut that becomes infected. What was once a minor
wound can become life-threatening if not properly attended to. While attending to the wound and
cleaning it out may become painful, it is necessary to do so if it is to heal.
Conflict that lacks resolution may build to the point where it terminates your relationship. However,
this does not need to occur if you can make small changes n your approach that will enable you to
resolve conflict more rapidly and easily.
If you are going to have conflict, it needs to be a fair fight. Dirty fighting involves bringing in old
grievances and resentments that are not pertinent to the issue at hand. Blaming and accusing each
other is fighting dirty, and will only lead to retaliation and an escalation of the conflict. If this
happens for you and your partner, it is helpful to agree to some basic rules as to what you will or
won’t don’t do when having a conflict. Then keep to them! This is not easy, but if you honor them
you have a much better chance of resolving your issues.
Here are some suggestions as to how to deal with conflict. Some have been given previously, but
bear repetition:
1)
Always remain calm. This is one of the hardest things to do when dealing with an
intractable conflict. Your partner is much more likely to de-escalate from being angry or upset if
you remain calm and focused. It takes two to escalate a conflict, so if you don’t join in the
escalation, he won’t be fueled to do so.
2)
Listen carefully. I have mentioned this before because this is key. Try to understand both his
verbal and non-verbal communication. Anger results from not feeling heard, and often quickly deescalate when one feels understood. Avoid interrupting when he is talking, and ask questions that
help clarify what he is trying to communicate. If this approach is new to you, it is time to start using
it. Active listening is a way of demonstrating respect and value. If you are just waiting for him to
stop talking so you can respond in a challenging manner, you will not be reducing the conflict.
3)
Don’t talk over your partner. This can’t be stressed enough, which is why I am hammering
the point home. This is not only rude behavior, but it is disrespectful as well and may infuriate your
partner. It makes him feel that what you have to say is more important than what he has to say, and
so diminishes his value and worth.
4)
Leave past hurts behind. The past belongs in the past, and will only confound the situation
you are trying to resolve if you bring it up in a hurtful and blaming manner. This is never
productive and will exacerbate your conflict. It makes it appear that you are keeping score, and
doubtlessly will result in your partner feeling hurt and defensive.
5)
Deal with conflicts in private. No one likes to be party to others’ conflicts. If you try to
bring up conflicts with your partner in the presence of other people, he may feel set up,
uncomfortable, and embarrassed. This will not work to your advantage.
6)
Be adults. Childish behaviors such as name calling, intimidating, threatening, or bullying
have no place in adult relationships. Leave them behind.
7)
Own up. Acknowledge your part in the conflict. Blaming your partner as the sole cause of
your problems will be completely unproductive and could result in you being alone.
8)
Don’t insist that you are right. If you make this a power struggle over who is right and who
is wrong (with you naturally being “right”), you will not have a successful relationship. What is
needed is a sense of mutuality and humility in which both of you recognize that you have a role to
play in the conflict.
9)
Seek agreement. Discover any points of agreement possible in what your partner has to say,
even if they are really small. Chances are he has valid points and is not totally in the wrong. Agree
with whatever points you can.
10)
Avoid extremes. Using words like “always” or “never” in a conflict invariably results in an
escalation of defensiveness and further arguments. These designations are rarely true and only
create further wounding.
If you are serious about improving (and maybe even saving) your marriage, I encourage you to
discuss these points with your partner and ask for his response. If he thinks they are reasonable, ask
if he will commit to them when you engage in conflict. Of course, this applies to both of you.
How to Rebuild Trust
The foundation of a healthy relationship is the ability to trust your partner. Without it, there is no
ease or comfort. Once trust has been significantly damaged, it will not be possible for your partner
to be truly open and authentic with you, and this will destroy your intimacy.
Trust is as fragile as it is powerful. It does not take much to destroy or damage it. Among things
that wreck trust is infidelity, dishonesty. manipulation, irresponsibility, sabotage, deceit, control,
and unreliability.
Of all these, infidelity is one of the greatest destroyers of trust for couples. Affairs tend to leave
permanent damage, although couples are sometimes able to heal the damage and move forward.
And if a relationship ends as a result of an affair, the aggrieved against partner may find it hard to
trust again in a new partnership.
If your trust has been damaged, here are some suggestions regarding how to heal the damage:
1)
If you are the one responsible for having broken the trust, own up to the responsibility for
having done so. Making excuses or blaming your partner to weasel out of responsibility gives the
message that you are not sincere about valuing your relationship and making amends.
2)
Never again engage in the behavior that destroyed trust. If you are given a second chance it
is a gift. Don’t expect any more. Doing the same thing three times makes it a pattern and is
completely inexcusable.
3)
Cultivate openness and honesty about your relationship. If you are not honest and try to hide
things, your partner is unlikely to believe you in any area.
4)
If trust was destroyed in your relationship due to an affair, all contacts with that person must
cease. In fact, you must take care to avoid any situations that appear to compromise you and create
suspicion (such as private phone calls or business trips with male co-workers). If you can’t avoid
contact with the person due to circumstances beyond your control (such as a neighbor or coworker), minimize the contact and keep it businesslike. All potentially compromising situations
must be avoided.
5)
Understand your partner’s need to check up on you on occasion. This is only natural and
reasonable to do for a period of time until trust is re-established. Don’t become defensive or
reactive at this, or your partner’s trust in you will be diminished.
6)
Go out of your way to rebuild your partner’s trust in you. If necessary, go for professional
help if you and your partner think that would be helpful.
Rebuilding lost trust is a long process that takes time and nurture. Be patient and you can make it
happen.
Strategies for a Relationship Lacking Sexual Intimacy
Lack of sexual intimacy is common in our society. A sexless relationship is described as one in
which a couple has sex less than 10 times a year. In the USA, surveys suggest that about 20 million
couples fit this definition--and that does not include the many unmarried couples. With those
numbers, it is not surprising that the divorce rate is as high as it is!
If you are in this situation, it is a cause for concern, as your relationship is vulnerable, particularly
to infidelity. Of course, although both men and women initiate affairs, men especially tend to
express love to their partner through sexual intimacy. (If this is not happening between the two of
you, he might seek it elsewhere.) The importance of a sexual relationship cannot be overestimated
because it is a significant way for the two of you to feel connected and intimate.
When sexual intimacy does not occur, powerful emotions that are destructive to your relationship
can be released. Included in these are feelings of emptiness, loss, sadness, depression, frustration,
anger, and resentment.
While there are many reason while couples have a sexless relationship, for men the most common
reasons include a partner who:
•
Does not like sex
•
Lacks sexual adventurousness or spontaneity
•
Lacks physical attractiveness to him and/or has gained a lot of weight
Other reasons why men don’t engage in sexually include:
•
Problems with erectile dysfunction
•
Being bored in the relationship
•
Having an affair
•
Experiencing an undue amount of stress or exhaustion
Reasons why a woman may lack interest in sex include:
•
Feeling that her partner sees her only as a sexual object, rather than valuing her for
who she is
•
Feeling pressure to participate in sexual practices she is not comfortable with or does
not find enjoyable
•
Not finding her partner physically attractive (Becoming overweight applies to both
parties!)
•
Feeling depressed
•
Not achieving orgasms when having sex
•
Harboring negative feelings, such as anger or resentment, at her partner
•
Feeling exhausted or overly stressed
For starters, to regain sexual intimacy it is important to understand the underlying dynamic that is
causing the problem. Often the stated problem is not the real reason. and is only a cover-up for the
actual reason. To uncover the real reason takes open, honest communication. Not addressing this
issue at a fundamental level, or avoiding and denying it, will only make it worse.
After you are satisfied that you have determined the fundamental problem, you need a plan of
action to create a mutually stimulating and satisfactory sexual relationship. Both partners need to
agree on their approach, which may require a degree of compromise.
Most importantly, any negativity affecting your relationship must be addressed. If you feel anger or
resentment, among many other possible negative emotions, it is unlikely you will feel intimate with
your partner. The key, as in most areas, is open, healthy communication. If you are not aware of
what is causing the problems with your intimacy, or become stuck, it may be important to consider
professional couple therapy.
How to Reignite Passion
Sometimes a lack of passion is the primary cause of a lack of sexual intimacy, and, once it returns,
your sex life may soon improve.
After being together for many years, it is not uncommon for couples to feel a diminishment of
attraction and passion for each other. This may occur more for one partner than for the other. If you
have neglected taking good care of yourself physically, this can make your partner lose interest in
you (and vice-versa). While you may think that this is being shallow and a relationship is more than
physical attraction, it is true that physical attractiveness is important. Remember when you first fell
in love?
If you are a woman and have gained a large amount of weight since you married, do you expect that
your husband will still be aroused by your body? Would you be aroused by him if the situation was
reversed? Likely not in either case. Yet many people deny that this reality may be a significant in
their sexual problems.
In addition, if your physical appearance has been neglected, you have likely also experienced a loss
of self-esteem. Your level of energy may also have become depleted, and you may become less
confident and enthusiastic sexually. This can lead to your partner being less sexually interested in
you.
To boost the spark of passion that was there when you first met, consider the things you can do to
increase your attractiveness to your partner. You don’t have to go to extremes, such as having
cosmetic surgery or not eating until you look like a supermodel, but you can attain a healthy weight,
increase your muscle tone, and wear flattering clothes. Think about what you initially did to gain
your partner’s attention and affection, and replicate that.
There are also other ways to make yourself attractive. Developing interests and activities in your
life that you are passionate about gives you more energy and makes you a happier person, which
results in making yourself more attractive. Exercise is always a good place to start.
There are numerous ways to increase the passion in your relationship:
1)
Flirt with your partner, and let him know you think he is “hot”. Anticipation builds
excitement, so leave him playful notes where he does not expect them or text him with suggestive
messages. Remember the start of your relationship when you were eager to be intimate together?
2)
Dating is important, so book a night together as often as possible. Dating means that the
focus is on being together and valuing your relationship, something that is often neglected when
couples have been together for some time. When children arrive, it can be much more difficult to
date, but it is important to take time away from them and focus on your relationship as a couple.
When you do have a date, focus on enjoyable experiences. This is not a time for heavy
confrontations.
The health of your relationship as a couple is central to the stability and integrity of the whole
family, so nurturing it is not self-indulgent or neglectful. The children will only benefit if your
marriage relationship is healthy and strong. In addition, you are modeling for them what it means to
be a healthy couple, which is most important as they grow up. They will naturally tend to replicate
the relationship they experienced in their home.
3)
Create a sense of sensual and sexual adventure with your partner. Buy some fun toys at an
adult store. Stepping a bit out of your comfort zone can be arousing, even if it seems silly at first.
You can be conservative or completely uninhibited. Some pleasing massage oil or sexy lingerie
may be enough. The important thing is to have fun. Sensual massages and new sexual positions
may create a missing sense of adventure.
4)
Cultivate romance in your relationship. When you first met you likely came up with all
manner of creative ways to let your partner know that he was important to you. After being together
for some time, you may have started to take each other for granted. Romance spices up a
relationship and lets your partner know that he is important to you.
Don’t be limited by the traditional gestures of romance, such as a candlelight dinner or unexpected
gifts. Find out what your partner most values. For a busy mother, it may be her husband taking the
children out for the evening so she can have some time to nurture herself with a bubble bath or
some quiet time. Anything that tells your partner he is special can be romantic. It is important to
make those gestures often.
5)
The bedroom is only one place for affection. It is important to show affection to each other
in many other environments. When you were first together, you likely held hands, kissed
spontaneously, and embraced each other. How frequently do you currently do that?
Loving touch is a crucial tool in non-verbal communication, so make sure you use it often with your
partner. Hugging, holding hands, and kissing are important displays of affection that are reassuring
to the children (if they are still home) that all is well in the home and the family is secure. Children
absorb both negative and positive emotions in the home, and tend to blame themselves if their
parents separate. Everyone benefits from displays of genuine affection.
6)
Finally, if there are medical issues that are impacting your sexual relationship, have these
addressed appropriately. Various physical problems impact sexual functioning and libido, to make
sure you talk to your doctor about them. Hormonal changes associated with menopause can make
major differences in a woman’s self-esteem, sexual satisfaction, and mood. Men also can develop
sexual changes with aging, such as decreasing desire and even erectile dysfunction.
Aging does not need to mean a diminishment of sexual enjoyment and satisfaction. Do whatever
you can to keep your passion alive, and have a mutually rewarding sexual relationship.
Cautions and Remedies
It is natural to think that, whatever its strengths and weaknesses, your relationship will continue.
You may have blind spots, so you need to be aware of things that could possibly kill your
relationship. These may include:
1)
Taking it for granted.
Because of the long-term nature of committed relationships, changes that cause it to deteriorate can
gradually occur over time, and you may falsely assume that all is well. The reality is that your
relationship requires maintenance, just like your car does, or it may stop working. Never take your
relationship for granted and become lazy. Let your partner know on a daily basis that he is loved,
cherished, and appreciated. Never forget to use the words, “I love you.” Focus on things that you
value in your partner and your relationship. You tend to get back what you give, and your partner is
much more likely to meet your needs if he feels special, significant, and loved. He then will have no
reason to look anywhere else to have those needs met.
2)
Neglect.
Relationships are able to grow and be nourished when they meet both partners’ needs. While you
are not a one person show who is responsible for meeting all of his needs, it is important for you to
fulfill the ones you can. Check in with your partner on occasion to see how he thinks you are doing.
He will be unlikely to look elsewhere if you are doing your part to meet his needs.
3)
Poor sexual intimacy
The power of sexuality in your relationship must not be underestimated. If you notice that your
sexual ardor and practice is diminishing, take the initiative in speaking with your partner. Positive
and open communication is essential for your sex life to prosper.
4)
Unhealthy communication
Problems in communication can mean the slow death of a relationship. Keeping communication
open and healthy at all times is one of the best things you can do. Don’t allow negative emotions to
fester without resolution. Listen to your partner when he wants and needs to talk. If positive
communication is an ongoing problem for you, consider engaging with a therapist who can
facilitate this process for you and your partner. This will pay big dividends in the health of your
relationship.
5)
Not making your partner a priority
You may be neglecting your partner if you do not make time for him. Your relationship demands
that you have quality time together. No matter how busy you are, it is crucial that you and your
partner find time for each other. And, by the way, sleeping together is not counted as “alone time.”
6)
Believing your relationship is invulnerable
Don’t be lulled into thinking that your relationship is immune from serious problems. All
relationships have some vulnerability. Too many people have been shocked to find out that their
partner engaged in some behavior that totally surprised them.
This is not to make you feel paranoid, only to advise you to not be blind to what is happening in
your relationship. If you are not paying attention, you may be devastated by something unexpected,
like so many people have who thought they had excellent relationships. By being proactive in
actively keeping your relationship strong, this is much less likely to happen to you.
7)
Making your career more important than your relationship
When you are dating it is understandable if you place your career before your relationship, but once
you are married or in a committed relationship, your career has to come second if you don’t want to
jeopardize your relationship. If you chronically overwork and your partner feels like you are not her
priority, it is unlikely that she will be happy, and your relationship may be threatened.
While at times long hours are required, especially when one is building a career, make sure that this
is of limited time duration, and that you do whatever you can to compensate by building in quality
time together. Don’t allow overwork to become habitual at the expense of your relationship, or you
may lose it altogether.
What are Realistic Expectations?
The movie industry tends to glamorize images of beautiful people with flawless lives. We grow up
to believe in tales of happy ever after--the handsome knight and gorgeous princess riding into the
sunset where they will always be happy. If only relationships were like that! The reality is that they
never are.
One of the keys to a successful relationship is to have realistic expectations of it. Both you and your
partner are coming from family, cultural, and religious backgrounds in which you have certain
assumptions and expectations. Both of you have your own vulnerabilities and weaknesses which
will manifest themselves.
Conflict is a given, no matter how committed you and your partner are to each other. There are
simply too many variables in a relationship to always have an easy mesh of needs and expectations.
Feelings of love will come and go. Your partner is not you and can’t read your mind. Your life
won’t always be filled with romantic moments. However, hopefully your relationship will mature
into secure, strong love.
While realistic expectations are important, this does not mean that you should settle for a poor or
mediocre relationship, or that you should suffer intolerable behavior. What realistic expectations
means is that you should not expect your partner to meet all your needs. You must take
responsibility for having some of your needs met through other avenues.
In doing so, your partner feels less pressure. After all, no one person can be responsible for meeting
all the needs of someone else. When both partners have a variety of ways of meeting their needs,
they can come together out of strength rather than neediness.
Your joy and happiness needs to come from within, rather than from your partner. While a healthy
relationship can result in much joy, you can’t be dependent on that person to make you happy. You
must be responsible for your own happiness. That is why it is important to have friendships and
close ties to family. Activities, interests, and hobbies outside your relationship are all vital in
building healthy self-esteem, which enhances your primary relationship. Your relationship can
attain its potential when it is liberated from having to be everything to you.
If you think your relationship is threatened, consider whether your expectations of it are realistic. If
you don’t know, check in with someone you think has a healthy relationship, or see a therapist. The
more realistic your expectation is, the sooner you will be able to enjoy a healthy relationship.
When Professional Help is Advised
As has been recommended a number of times in this article, professional individual or couple
therapy can be considered if your problems are chronic and significant, and you have been unable to
achieve a satisfactory resolution on your own. While this is not a panacea, a person who specializes
in relationship therapy can provide a great deal of insight into the dynamics of your relationship,
and help you find solutions for the issues troubling it.
While family and friends can be helpful, they come with certain biases and allegiances, and so may
not be seen as neutral. In addition, family and friends tend to give advice and attempt to problem
solve, which is not always the most effective strategy. A therapist should not display a bias
regarding your relationship, and can assist in helping you understand what is creating and
maintaining the patterns that sabotage it.
A therapist can then assist you in learning new skills and creating strategies to bring about the
desired change. Often relationships are plagued from deep-seated issues that go back to childhood,
as we tend to act out traumas and replicate unhealthy responses we learned when young. When
these dynamics are revealed and dealt with, you and your partner will be freed up to create new and
more healthy patterns.
You Deserve a Healthy Relationship
You have made a major investment in your relationship and, even if you are having problems, there
is hope for you. Even if it fits one of the “red flag” categories that do not mean that it can’t succeed,
although the chances of it doing so are not favorable.
If you are committed to make the necessary changes, it is much more likely that your relationship
will surmount any challenges, and it may even become stronger. As I wrote at the start of this
eBook, YOU are the one who must take the initiative in making changes, not waiting and hoping
that your partner will do so. Even if your relationship ends when you did not want it to, you will
have gained much valuable experience, insight, and competencies to take with you in possible
future relationships.
Most importantly, remember that you are a person of worth and value who deserves love and
happiness. The more this is engrained into you as your reality, the higher the chances that you will
have a healthy, successful relationship. Never forget this!
Where To From Here?
If you enjoyed this book write a review!
If you enjoyed this book it would mean the world to me if you would please write an honest review
for it because that will help others know what they are going to get and get the same benefits you
have achieved.
I strongly believe that the advice in here can help you save your relationship and you can help too
by spreading the word!
If you think this book could be better in any way you can let me know what needs to be improved
by sending an email to [email protected]
I can then update this and future books and provide the best information so that you and others can
get even more value from it.
Important videos for you to watch ASAP
How to text the romance and spark back into your relationship:
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How to save your marriage
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Creating your dream marriage
http://www.seductionsorcery.com/go/createdreammarriage
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