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INTIMACY IN
Marriage!
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How many references under
“sex” are there in the Topical
Guide?
It is interesting to note that nowhere in scripture do we
find the word “sex.”
The scriptures use the words “know” or “knew.”
“And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived , and bare
[a son]” (Genesis 4:1). The words “know” and “knew”
suggest that intimacy is far more than just a physical act.
It involved knowing each other spiritually and emotionally.
The sexual union will be most satisfying and gratifying
when it is a harmonizing of the physical, spiritual, and
emotional dimensions of a husband and wife.
The Honeymoon
How many of you are nervous or afraid of your
honeymoon?
Why?
Most couples look forward to the wedding night and the honeymoon with great
anticipation, and probably some nervousness, or even fear.
They wonder, “Will I know what to do when the time comes for sex?” “Will I be
able to please my spouse?” “Will my spouse be patient with me?” “Will it be a
comfortable experience for both of us?”
When approached properly, most couples will find the wedding night to be as
exciting and enjoyable as they imagined.
However, for some couples the wedding night is not a pleasant or memorable
experience. This is usually due to the lack of proper preparation and to unrealistic
expectations. The couple should not worry about not knowing everything about
sex before marriage!
One purpose of the honeymoon is to discover it
together. It is normal to have many questions
and anxieties. Remember, though, that sexual
intimacy is a journey, not a destination, and the
discovery itself is a memorable part of the
adventure.
Don’t expect perfection. Part of the enjoyment
of sexual intimacy is learning together how to
please each other and then watching that part of
your relationship grow and improve over time.
Focus on your partner, rather than yourself.
It may also be good advice for some to lighten up.
Don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself.
Look for all the ways you can to compliment and
encourage your partner.
Remember, sexual intimacy thrives in an
environment of trust and encouragement.
Elder Packer said:
“I must include a caution to you who are married. A
couple may be tempted to introduce things into a
relationship which are unworthy. Do not, as the
scriptures warn, ‘change the natural use into that which
is against nature’ (Rom. 1:26). If you do, the tempter
will drive a wedge between you. If something
unworthy has become part of your relationship, don’t
ever do it again! Now, what exactly do I mean by that?
You know what I mean by that, and I will not respond
to any questions about it. We do not, in our
counseling, enter the bedrooms of members of the
Church” (“Fountain of Life”).
Sexual intimacy is a vital part of the marriage relationship because it
keeps you connected in a way that nothing else can. When enjoyed by
both partners, intimacy becomes a physical renewal of your love for
each other.
It’s amazing how much better things go in every other part of our
marriage if we take the time for some sexual intimacy.
Both seem to be happier and treat each other with greater tenderness
and caring when you take time to be intimate.
Never withhold sex as a punishment or use it to manipulate as a means
to get what you want rather than as a fulfillment of love.
When compared with the rest of your day or week, your sexual
encounters are but a small moment.
The powerful and lasting effect that those few minutes have on the rest
of the day, the week, the month, is incredible.
What if the man wants it all the time, but the woman doesn’t. The
American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology reported the “Perhaps
75 percent of all women derive little or no pleasure from the sexual act
(Tim & Beverly LaHaye, The Act of Marriage, rev. ed. (Grand Rapids, MI:
Zonderman, 1998), 152).
The importance of what she feels in her heart must first be understood
before she can accept any part of what she can feel from your touch.
There may be times when you feel overwhelmed by her emotional
responses and how long she seems to hold on to them. That is normal.
God created this whole process and meant for you to enjoy it as much
as your husband. I’m convinced He will help you find that enjoyment if
you ask Him for help.
Notice the things you like about them and tell them. Ignore the rest, none of us is
perfect.
Women need assured privacy. The door has to be locked. Don’t give her a bad time
about it, just lock the door.
Why Men Want to Make Love So Often:
Love him the way he is, and needing to have sex more often than you is part of the
way he is. He didn’t plan it that way. A Divine Creator did. There of course needs to
be a balance.
Remember, sexual intimacy does not always mean sexual intercourse.
She likes to be held. Sometimes she just wants a back rub.
It’s amazing how few couples actually talk about their sexual needs with each other.
Love does not force. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s
needs and desires.
Men and women have the physical capacity to sustain a rich sex life into old age.
Don’t ever ask your spouse to do
anything that they are
uncomfortable doing!
Alma 18:17
Whatsoever thou desirest which is
right, that will I do.
President Kimball said:
“Sexual relations in marriage are not
unrestrained. Even marriage does not make
proper certain extremes in sexual
indulgence… If it is unnatural, you just don’t
do it. That is all… There are some people who
have said that behind the bedroom doors
anything goes. That is not true and the Lord
would not condone it” (TSWK 311-12).
The Purposes of Intimacy in Marriage:
President Ezra Taft Benson said:
“Sex was created and established by
our Heavenly Father for sacred, holy,
and high purposes” (TETB, 409).
A good sexual relationship
begins outside the
bedroom!
President Kimball said:
“Sex is for procreation and expression of
love. It is the destiny of men and women to
join together to make eternal family units. In
the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy
of sexual relations is right and divinely
approved. There is nothing unholy or
degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that
means men and women join in a process of
creation and in an expression of love”
(TSWK, 311).
In their book “Between Husband and Wife,”
Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley stated:
“It is a nice distraction from paying the mortgage,
earning a living, keeping the cars running, paying
the bills, and dealing with the children… It is
relaxing and pleasurable for couples to massage,
stimulate, and arouse each other. These passions,
when kept within the bounds of propriety, become
sanctifying and enriching to each spouse and to the
marriage” (ibid, 24).
Pleasure and joy
Another purpose of intimacy in marriage is for pleasure and
joy. Marriage is hard. It takes a great deal of effort and work
to sustain a successful marriage. God provided sexual
intimacy as a means of providing enjoyment or diversion from
the work and difficulties of life. It is a way to keep or restore
the playfulness in marriage. It is therapeutic.
In “A Parent’s Guide,” published by the Church in 1985, it
reads:
“Husbands and wives do have physical and emotional needs
that are fulfilled through sexual union… Becoming as one
flesh can be one of life’s richest and most rewarding
experiences” (A Parent’s Guide, 49).
As you prepare for marriage and the sexual
intimacy that will be an important part of your
relationship, consider the following five points:
First, sexual intimacy will be as enjoyable as the
marriage is strong and healthy. Marriage
counselors have observed that sexual problems in
marriage are merely symptomatic of underlying
problems in the overall relationship.
If the marriage is healthy, enjoyable marital
intimacy is more likely to be achieved.
Second, gain basic knowledge of human sexuality.
Lamb and Brinley suggest you should “know some basic
facts about male and female biology. Most of us are
pretty illiterate before marriage when it comes to the
sexual functioning of the opposite gender, and even of
our own bodily responses. It is helpful for both
husbands and wives to have at least a rudimentary
understanding of human anatomy and physiology and a
basic knowledge of what happens before, during, and
after sexual intercourse. Although most couples, in
time, figure out these things on their own, the marriage
can benefit greatly from some simple education in
advance” (28-29).
You may want to pick up the book, “Between Husband
and Wife” (Lamb and Brinley).
Third, sexual intimacy will be most fulfilling and most
enjoyable in marriage when there is an environment of
trust, free from physical, psychological, and spiritual
barriers.
Physical barriers include health conditions that could
cause intercourse to be painful.
It is wise for women to have a pre-marital exam to
ensure that there are no existing health conditions that
could interfere with intimacy.
Fourth, understand that in general men and women differ in
their perceptions and approaches to intimacy.
Sex drive is generally higher in men than it is in women.
Why?
Because of the influence of testosterone in the brain.
A second difference can be seen in the emphasis placed on
sex in marriage.
It has been said that:
“Men give love to get sex while women give sex to get love.”
Men often have difficulty understanding why their wives are
less interested in sexual intimacy than they are.
They may feel a sense of rejection when their wives are not
interested or may feel that their wives are being insensitive.
On the other hand, women often have difficulty understating
why their husbands want so much sex and why they are not
content to be physically close.
They feel used and unappreciated.
These differences often stem from a lack of understanding of
the opposite sex and from a lack of clear communication.
Fifth, “frequency of having sex.”
In the early years of marriage this is probably the most common
problem.
Most couples wonder what is normal or right. What is normal
or right for one couple may not be normal or right for another
couple.
Each couple must discover together what their needs and wants
are and then work together to fulfill the needs and wants of
their partner.
Frequency will depend upon age and circumstances.
Someone once said:
When you’re 25 it’s “tri-weekly.”
When you’re 50 it’s “try weekly.”
When you’re seventy-five, it’s “try
weakly!”
Keep in mind that physical intimacy does not
just mean intercourse.
Even when intercourse is not desirable or
possible, husbands and wives still need to be
physically close. There is still a need for
touching, hugging, kissing, etc. So, if
intercourse is not desired, make the effort to
establish physical closeness in some other
way.
Couples need to connect physically in some
way, every day.
These differences present two choices to husbands and
wives.
For example, a woman whose husband tends to rush
through sex can either resent his insensitivity and accuse
him of being selfish or she can appreciate his different
biological and cultural tendencies and seek to patiently
teach him to slow down.
A man whose wife is reluctant to engage in sexual relations
can either be offended and feel his wife is uncaring and
frigid, or can look for ways to help her feel more
comfortable with their sexual relationship and to provide
more non-sexual intimacy.
Another difference between men and women has to do with how
they respond to sexual cues.
Men respond more to visual cues than do women.
Women respond more to emotional cues, such as tenderness, kind
words, or helpfulness than men do.
Another difference between men and women is seen in their
approach to intimacy.
Women find fulfillment more readily than men in nonsexual
physical contact such as a tender embrace or a gentle touch.
When it comes to sexual activity itself, men often want to rush
through the experience faster than women. Women need more
time for arousal.
Many men assume that because they are aroused and ready for
sex, their wives must be too.
When a marriage is based on mutual respect, trust,
open communication, and tenderness, it is natural
for marital partners to want to share all aspects of
the marriage with each other. The capacity for
oneness is greatly enhanced.
But when bad feelings exist in a marriage, the
natural tendency is to create greater distance, and
often to decrease or discontinue physical intimacy.
This generally makes matters worse and opens the
door for Satan to tempt partners and destroy their
marriage through pornography or adultery.
The Apostle Paul taught that if a couple
tries to be kind and considerate of each
other, there will be a natural desire for
physical intimacy.
If a couple decides to abstain for a time
(sickness, pregnancy, etc.), it should be by
mutual consent, and then only for a short
period of time.
President Kimball said:
“In family life, men must and should be
considerate of their wives, not only in the
bearing of children, but in caring for them
through childhood. The mother’s health must
be conserved, and the husband’s
consideration for his wife is his first duty. Selfcontrol must be a dominant factor in their
relationships” (Ensign, Nov. 1976, 6-7).
“Sex is an expression of love in marriage when there
is cleanliness and sacrifice and selflessness…Sex will
continue to be an expression of love in marriage if
there is an increase constantly of confidence [trust]
and understanding, of frequent and sincere
expressions of appreciation and affection. There
must be a forgetting of self and a constant concern
for the other.”
Without those characteristics, sexual intimacy
becomes an expression of lust rather than love,
even in marriage!
President Howard W. Hunter said:
“Tenderness and respect– never selfishness– must
be the guiding principles in the intimate
relationship between husband and wife. Each
partner must be considerate and sensitive to the
other’s needs and desires… Keep yourselves above
any domineering or unworthy behavior in the
tender, intimate relationship between husband and
wife…Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled
behavior in the intimate relationship between
husband and wife is condemned by the Lord”
(Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51).
Procreation
No greater privilege is given to moral beings than to
exercise their powers of procreation to be cocreators with God.
Elder Packer taught:
“The power of procreation is not an incidental part
of the plan of happiness, it is the key– the very key
[to happiness]” (“Foundation of Life”).
Elder Richard G. Scott said:
“Any sexual intimacy outside of the
bonds of marriage-- I mean any
intentional contact with the sacred,
private parts of another’s body, with
or without clothing – is a sin and is
forbidden by God” (Ensign Nov. 1994,
38).
Elder Packer said:
“Pure love presupposes that only after a
pledge of eternal fidelity, a legal and a
lawful ceremony, and ideally after the
sealing ordinance in the temple, are
those procreative powers released for the
full expression of love. It is to be shared
only and solely with that one who is our
companion forever” (“Fountain of Life”).
Sex is a blessing in marriage because it is an
important expression of love.
“Love is cleanliness and sacrifice and selflessness..
For love to continue, there must be an increase
constantly of confidence and understanding, of
frequent and sincere expressions of appreciation
and affection. There must be a forgetting of self
and a constant concern for the other” (Faith
Precedes the Miracle 157-58).
As we struggle with the challenges of mortality will be
challenged emotionally and spiritually. All of us have times
when we feel emotionally or spiritually low. We are all
subject to stress and pressure and disappointment and
failure. In marriage we have to deal with finances, work
pressures, raising children, and the day to day irritations
that naturally come when living with someone 24 hours a
day.
All of these things, and many others, combine to put a
strain on the emotional and spiritual bonds of marriage.
Sexual intimacy is a powerful way to repair, heal, and
rebuild those bonds.
Elder Packer said:
“It is interesting to know how man is put together– how
incomplete he is. His whole physical and emotional and for
that matter, spiritual nature, is formed in such a way that it
depends upon a source of encouragement and power that is
found in woman. When man has found his wife and
companion, he has in a sense found the other half of himself.
He will return to her again and again for that [intimacy] that
exalts his manhood and strengthens him for the testing that
life will give him” (Tribune, quoted in Between Husband and
Wife, Lamb and Brinley, 20).
That statement is equally true for women. When pulled
apart emotionally and spiritually, sexual intimacy can help
draw a husband and wife back to each other.
Elder Boyd K. Packer said:
“The rapid sweeping deterioration of values in society is
characterized now by a preoccupation – even an obsession –
with the procreative act… Abstinence before marriage and
fidelity within are openly scoffed at as being out of date…
modesty is all but gone… Censorship of any kind is forced
offstage as a violation of individual freedom. That which
should be absolutely private is disrobed and acted out on
center stage. In the shadows backstage wait addiction,
pornography, perversion, infidelity, abortion, and – the ugliest
of them all – incest and molestation. All of them are on the
increase. In company with them now is the pestilent disease
[of AIDS], which like a biblical plague, threatens races of
mankind. In fact, all of mankind. The philosophies which
owe converge all have one thing in common: either by
insinuation or declaration they reject God as our creator, as
our Father, as our lawgiver”(“The Fountain of Life,” BYU 18
Stake Fireside, 29 March 1992).
Birth Control in Marriage
Several things seem to stand out, as important.
First, one of our most important responsibilities on
this earth is to multiply and replenish the earth.
President Joseph Fielding Smith said: “there is
nothing that should be held in greater sacredness
than this covenant by which the spirits of men are
clothed with mortal tabernacles” (Doctrines of
Salvation, 2:87).
President Kimball said:
“Too many young people today marry with a selfish motive– they are
interested first in themselves. The more important purposes of marriage
[such as bearing and rearing children] are ignored for the less important.
Family life is secondary. The college degrees, the occupation, the
comforts, [and] convenience [are] considered first. To many there
seems to be a total forgetfulness of the purpose of marriage and its
responsibilities and opportunities. And many young people set their
minds, determining that they will not marry or have children until they
are more secure, until the military service period is over, until the
college degree is secured; until the occupation is more well defined;
until the debts are paid; or until it is more convenient.
They have forgotten that the first commandment is
to ‘be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth
and subdue it’(Gen. 1:28).
And so brides continue their employment and
husbands encourage it, and contraceptives are used
to prevent conception. Relatives and friends and
even mothers sometimes encourage birth control
for their young newlyweds. But the excuses are
many, mostly weak…The Church cannot approve or
condone the measures which so greatly limit the
family” (Address to San Antonio Regional
Conference, 5 December 1977).
Dr. Homer Ellsworth said:
“Many of the decisions we make involve the application
of principles where precise yes-and-no answers are just
not available in Church handbooks, meetings, or even
the scriptures. Our growth process, then, results from
weighing the alternatives, studying the matter carefully,
and seeking inspiration from the Lord…It is clear to me
that the decisions regarding our children, when to have
them, their number, and all related matters and
questions can only be made after real discussion
between the marriage partners and after prayer…In the
process of learning what is right for you at any
particular time, I have always found it helpful to use a
basic measuring stick: Is it selfish? I have concluded
that most of our sins are really sins of selfness…
“But on the other hand, we need to be afraid of studying
the question from important angles– the physical or mental
health of the mother and father, the parents’ capacity to
provide basic necessities, and so on. If for certain personal
reasons a couple prayerfully decides that having another
child immediately is unwise, the method of spacing
children– discounting possible medical or physical effects–
makes little difference. Abstinence, of course, is also a
form of contraception, and like any other method it has
side effects, some of which are harmful to the marriage
relationship….
“In searching for what is most important, I believe that we
are accountable not only for what we do but for why we do
it… Thus, regarding family size, spacing of children and
[other such] questions, we should desire to multiply and
replenish the earth as the Lord commands us. In that
process, Heavenly Father intends that we use the free
agency he has given in charting a wise course for ourselves
and our families. We gain the wisdom to chart that wise
course through study, prayer, and listening to the still small
voice within us” (“I Have a Question,” Ensign Aug. 1979,
23-24).
As to the number of children a couple should have,
Elder Dallin H. Oaks offered the following counsel:
“How many children should a couple have? All they can
care for! Of course, to care for children means more
than simply giving them life. Children must be loved,
nurtured, taught, fed, clothed, housed, and well started
in their capacities to be good parents themselves.
Exercising faith in God’s promises to bless them when
they are keeping his commandments, many LDS
parents have large families. Others seek but are not
blessed with children or with the number of children
they desire. In a matter as intimate as this, we should
not judge one another” (Ensign November 1993, 75).
“It is the privilege of married couples who are
able to bear children of God, whom they are
then responsible to nurture and rear. The
decision as to how many children to have and
when to have them is extremely intimate and
private and should be left between the couple
and the Lord. Church members should not
judge one another in this matter”(Handbook
of instructions given by Priesthood Leaders
158).
Husbands and wives should seek heavenly direction as they
counsel together, considering such factors as the physical, mental,
and emotional health of both mother and father and their capacity
to provide the basic necessities of life. They must take the
decision they feel is right to the lord and seek his confirmation.
Others may, and probably will, offer counsel, but ultimately it is a
decision that is left between the couple and the Lord. Only they
have the privilege and bear the responsibility of making that
decision.
Abortion
“Abortion is one of the most revolting and sinful practices of this
day. Members must not submit to, be a party to, or perform an
abortion.
The only exceptions are when:
1. Pregnancy has resulted from incest or rape.
2. The life or health of the woman is in jeopardy in the opinion of
the competent medical authority.
3. The fetus is known, by competent medical authority, to have
severe defects that would not allow the baby to survive beyond
birth.
“Even in these cases the couple should consider an abortion only
after consulting with each other and their bishop and receiving
divine confirmation through prayer.”
“Church members who encourage, perform,
or submit to an abortion are subject to Church
discipline as appropriate. Priesthood leaders
dealing with abortions should remember the
word of the Lord, ‘Thou shalt not steal;
neither commit adultery, nor kill, nor do
anything like unto it’ (D&C 59:6).
As far as has been revealed, a person may
repent and be forgiven for the sin of abortion”
(General Handbook of Instructions 11-4).