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How To
Get Her Back
For Good
A Shortcut Strategy For Getting Your
Girlfriend Back Without Using Tricks,
Tactics, or Manipulating Mind-Games
By George Karanastasis, M.D.
GetYourExGirlfriendBack.com
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Boring (But Necessary) Disclaimer
The information set forth in this document is for educational purposes only. The
author can not and will not be held responsible for any adverse outcomes
resulting from the use of the material contained in this manual.
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Table Of Contents
I. Introduction ......................................................................................................... 4
A. Breaking The Barrier ....................................................................................... 4
B. The “Strategy” Behind The Strategy................................................................ 6
II. The Laws Of Attraction ....................................................................................... 8
A. What Do Women Really Want In A Man? .....................................................10
B. What Repels Women? ....................................................................................13
C. What Do Women Want From A Relationship?.............................................. 15
III. Reverse Engineering The Relationship............................................................ 17
A. The 6 Stages Of A Relationship ......................................................................18
Stage 1: The Honeymoon Stage...................................................................... 20
Stage 2: The Reality Stage ...............................................................................21
Stage 3: The Burn-Out Stage.......................................................................... 23
Stages 4 & 5: The Crash & The Breakup ........................................................ 26
Stage 6: The Salad Stage .................................................................................27
IV. How To Craft Your Own ‘Unique’ Relationship Repair Strategy.................... 29
A. Planning Your “Approach” .............................................................................31
Approach #1: ‘No Contact’ (NC)..................................................................... 32
The No Contact Step-By-Step Guide...............................................................37
Seeing NC Through Till The End… ................................................................ 42
Meeting After No Contact ............................................................................... 51
The ‘No Contact’ FAQs ................................................................................... 58
Approach #2: ‘Limited Contact’ (LC).............................................................. 71
Approach #3: ‘Limited Adjusted Contact’ (LAC)............................................76
Approach #4: ‘Full Force Contact’ (FFC)........................................................81
Approach #5: ‘Renewed Contact’ (RC) .......................................................... 82
V. The Proof Is In The Results: How I Used NC To Bring Back My Ex ................ 86
VI. Special Circumstances ..................................................................................... 93
A. The Long Distance Relationship (LDR) ........................................................ 93
B. Dealing With The “Other” Guy ...................................................................... 96
VII. The Stages Of Your New Relationship ........................................................... 98
A. The Voluntary Stage Of Heightened Awareness ......................................... 100
B. The Involuntary Stage .................................................................................. 101
IX. General Frequently Asked Questions .............................................................103
X. The Relationship Repair “Master Plan” Mindmaps .........................................111
XI. Conclusion ...................................................................................................... 117
XII. Recommended Resources ............................................................................. 118
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I. Introduction
A. Breaking The Barrier
This may not be obvious at the moment, but you’re not reading this book because
your girlfriend broke up with you and you want her back. You’re probably
scratching your head over this one, but it’s true. Go ahead and read that sentence
one more time. Read it out loud.
Now I’m going to tell you the real reason why you’re reading this book (and it’s
not what you think). You’re reading it because she wants to come back. Right
at this very moment, whether she’s consciously aware of it or not, she’s looking
for a way to come back to you. You have your work cut out for you, but your “job”
is not to try and persuade her. Persuasion will not work here.
The true secret to getting what you want lies in the understanding that you need
to pave the way for her return. To break down the barrier and let her back in.
The only way you can do this is by having an outsider’s perspective on this entire
situation. You need to push aside your emotions and let your logic take over. By
doing this, you’ll know exactly what to do and say to her when she’s ready to
come back.
And I know what you’re thinking, “how can you be so sure she wants to come
back to me, and if that’s truly the case, why doesn’t she just do it? Is this all just
an act?” First off, I know she wants to come back because I’ve been in your
shoes… more times than I care to count. Every single time I thought it was
hopelessly “over” I was wrong. It was just the beginning. To answer the second
question, she’s not putting up an act but she is acting out of instinct, the same
way you are.
Everything in your relationship up until this point is the result of instinctual
interactions between the two of you. The initial spark, the attraction that
followed, the bond you created, as well as the dreaded decline leading to this
break up.
Everything can be accounted for. For each effect there is a cause, and in your case
the effect is her leaving you – the cause? Well that’s the million dollar question
here. Because if you knew the reason, and I mean the real reason she left you in
the first place, you could possibly go back and repair things.
That’s the intention of this book. To make you realize and understand why she
left you; to force you to see things with an outsider’s perspective. The only way I
can do this is through fundamental “education”. It is through this education that
you’ll come to realize exactly what has happened and what you need to do to
correct it.
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It all boils down to three concepts; three simple yet important concepts that you
must understand and internalize. If you can accomplish this, a whole new world
of opportunity will be staring you in the face as far as your relationship goes.
First, you have to realize why she chose to be with you. And make no mistake
about it, she chose you, not the other way around. I don’t care how many
relationship gurus you’ve listened to, or how much advice you’ve been fed on the
topic of attracting women, the woman always has the final say. Sure, you
can greatly increase your chances of being with a woman by behaving in a certain
fashion, but in the end, she’s deciding who she’s going to let into her private life.
If you can understand this one concept, this “law of nature”, you’re 50% closer to
getting back with your girl. It’s that simple. The other 50% of the equation is
knowing what women don’t want from a man and how this factored into your
relationship. Together these three things are the key to your relationship repair
strategy.
How did I come to know all of this?
Look, it hasn’t been that long since I was in your exact situation, asking the exact
same questions that you’re asking yourself right now. My last breakup was one of
the most painful experiences in my life. But I’m a better man for it. It taught me a
great deal about myself, and more importantly, it taught me to understand a
woman’s perspective and gave me insight into why they do the things they do.
It was through this understanding that I was able to save my relationship and
take it to a new level. That’s what I want to teach to you in the rest of this book:
the concepts behind the strategies for you to repair your relationship.
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B. The “Strategy” Behind The Strategy
Before we go on to the meat of the matter I’d like to explain how and why I
structured the book in this way. It’s what I like to call the “strategy behind the
strategy”. Basically, it’s pointing out why something works before putting into
action. By doing this, the action becomes instinctual, not mechanical… and this is
the key to a successful strategy – whatever it may be.
Knowing how you feel right now, I know the last thing you want is for me to tell
you how and why you came to be in this situation. You probably want to jump
into the latter sections of this book that detail exactly how you should start taking
action. I urge you not to do this. To miss out on what I’m about to tell you, would
be rendering those methods useless.
Remember how I mention on my website about the “one thing that’s keeping you
from being with her?” Well this one thing is your mindset. This is what the entire
strategy is based on: pure psychology. Right now, your psychological status is
“out of whack”. Every one of your actions is based purely on emotion with no
justification by reason.
This is why I want you to take a step back from this situation and look at it from
an outsider’s point of view. Only then will you begin to understand what your
current state of mind is and where you need to get at if you truly want to achieve
your goal. And I’m sure you’re dedicated. You wouldn’t be reading this if you
weren’t.
The actual strategies that are outlined in the second half of this book are useless if
you take away the psychology behind them – both yours and hers. This was, and
continues to be, a relationship that took two people to bring together and two
people to break it apart.
These approaches can not be faked and if you try to do so she’ll instantly see
through them. All of your efforts will have been in vain. To make you understand
this a little better, I want you to think about this: did she fall in love and get
together with you or with who you were pretending to be? Understand?
But don’t just take my word for it. Keep reading. By the time you get through half
of this material, things will start to fall into place. You’ll no longer feel as clueless
as you do now in regards to the reason she broke up with you. You’ll be ready to
take my advice on:
1. How you should proceed from here on in
2. How to apply this information naturally
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No faking or playing games.
Never forget, it’s the genuine guy she saw in you that made her yours to begin
with, not some fly by night pick up artist who’s too afraid to show his true self.
This is why I get all bent out of shape when I hear people looking for a magic
bullet to relationship repair. Let me tell you a little secret… It doesn’t exist!
With that said, I want you to read this book from beginning to end without overly
analyzing it. Take your time to pause and reflect a bit. I’m sure you’ll come across
many “aha” moments as you go along. But don’t dwell on things too much your
first time through. Let the information “seep through to your subconscious”.
Then, I want you to put it away for a day and concentrate on some aspect of your
life that belongs entirely to you. Once you’ve done that, come back and read it
once more, but this time, take your time with it, reflect, maybe take some notes.
After the second round you’ll be a new man, ready to stand up to the challenge
lying before you and take it head on.
One more thing… I’ll be referring to your ex as your girlfriend, your woman,
partner, etc. many times throughout this book. I will continue to imply that she
still “belongs” to you because she’s still yours. The window of opportunity to get
back into her heart is still open for you. All you have to do is make her realize that
it’s still open for her as well.
And by the way, it’s important to point out that when I say that she “belongs” to
you or that she’s “yours” that I’m not referring to her as an object – it’s just a
figure of speech – that’s all.
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II. The Laws Of Attraction
Before you can even conceive of drawing up a “battle-plan” on how to get your
woman back you have to know and understand how you got her in the first place.
This is more important than you can possibly imagine and the concept behind it
is neglected time and time again by men who find themselves in these desperate
situations.
So why is this so important? Let me answer this by “painting you a picture”. Take
yourself back to the days in which you were “courting” your girlfriend and try to
look at yourself with an “outsider’s” eye. What is it that you see? Now take this
same outsider’s point of view and take a look at your contemporary self. If you
were to put those two images side by side, I can bet that it wouldn’t look like the
same person.
Now imagine that your girlfriend had met the contemporary you and not the
person she met 4, 6, or however many months/years ago it was that you two met.
Do you think she’d still want to get into a relationship with you? Most likely not,
and to think otherwise would not only be foolish, but highly counterproductive as
well.
I want you to realize, without offending you too much, that you need to make
those qualities that attract women, that attracted YOUR WOMAN, shine
through once again. Right now you’re at your lowest of your lows. And that’s OK.
We’ve all been there. You just need to bounce back.
This might seem like a daunting task given the way you feel right now, but believe
me, it’s much simpler than you think. It’s simple because you don’t have to fake
anything, play games, or beat around the bush. You are who you are – period –
and nothing can change that. All that has happened is that you’ve experienced a
personality “shift” due to a traumatizing event.
So how do you go about doing this? Well, there are several ways to approach this
task, but what I find to be most effective is playing a little catch-up on the “laws of
attraction”. And even though it’s something you might not be up to doing at the
moment, I can’t stress its importance enough.
You need to read through this section and soak it up. And as you read through it
you need to understand what the bits and pieces that form true attraction in
women are… and how they apply to you.
You need to be able to relate to this information on a conscious level, because you
truly do, even if you don’t know it yet. You didn’t get together with your girlfriend
by chance. There are strong psychological factors underlying the formation of this
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relationship. And we’re going to go through them together in order to make you
realize what women (and more specifically your woman) want, need, and expect
out of a man.
Having done so, we’ll go through the probable causes you weren’t able to deliver
on your promises. And in case you’re thinking that you didn’t make any such
promises, think again. Every word you spoke to her, body language,
communication, etc. was a series of promises to her that you’re the man she’s
expecting to “deliver”.
So, without wasting any more time, let’s get started.
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A. What Do Women Really Want In A Man?
Now here’s a question that as much as 70% of men don’t know the answer to.
That’s correct: according to a recent study (which I can’t find right now to
properly cite) seventy percent of men are absolutely clueless as to what
a woman really wants. What’s even worse, if you ask any woman this exact
question, she won’t be able to give you an answer, at least not an honest one.
Here’s what I mean by that. When a question such as this is directed at a typical
girl she’ll give you vague answers such as these:
•
“I want a man that’s sensitive”
•
“I want a man that’s not afraid to share his feelings”
•
“I want a man that’s understanding”
•
“I want a man that treats me with respect”
Now I don’t want to generalize here because every woman is unique, but I can
say, with extreme confidence, that these are not the top priorities on a woman’s
list. Yes, every woman wants to be treated nice, and every woman demands
respect from her partner, but these priorities are secondary.
If a man doesn’t posses this one quality, she’ll never bother to get to know if he’s
sensitive, respectful, or “sweet”. So what exactly is this quality? Are your ready for
this? It’s…
CONFIDENCE
Confidence is the most important quality a woman bases her “make or
break” decision with a man. It’s the absolute determinant of whether or not to let
someone in her life and take the relationship further.
If a man isn’t confident in her eyes, it doesn’t matter how good he looks, how
much money is in his wallet, or how nice and respectful he might act towards her.
So, if you see where I’m taking this and are trying to figure out how it all fits into
your current situation, let me stop you for a minute. Sure, what I just mentioned
to you as the quality that is most sought after by women might seem overly
simplistic, and to a certain degree it is, but there’s much more to it.
For starters, the confidence that you emanate must be natural. You can’t fake it
and most women will spot a faker a mile away. Do not confuse arrogance with
confidence. Arrogant guys are your typical self-conscious wimps in disguise
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and that’s why a truly confident man wins the girl hands down over the arrogant
one.
Now that we’ve established this concept of confidence, let’s dig further into what
makes a confident man. Specifically, what are the “who’s, what’s, where’s, and
how’s” that ultimately build one’s confidence and radiate it to the outside world…
and how knowing all of this helps your current situation.
Let’s start off with what confidence is. In the context of women’s attraction
towards men, confidence means reliability. It’s the quality that assures a woman
that her man will take care of her in every possible way.
Who are some examples of confident men? They’re everywhere: Donald Trump,
Bill Gates, Michael Jordan to name a few, but most importantly, it’s you. I
mentioned three particularly famous people just to stress a point here. Those
men are confident because they are self-assured through their accomplishments
in life. And so are you. That is the reason why your girl chose you and not another
guy to be in a relationship with. Never forget this, especially now, in your lowest
points, because you are by nature a confident man.
How do I know this? I know this because you’re reading this right now. It tells me
that you are more than willing and able to handle the situation. You’ve risen to
the challenge of taking back the reigns and getting in control of what matters to
you most. You’re not just giving up because the cards are not in your favor at the
moment. That is a true quality of a confident man and women love this stuff.
Which brings us to the next point: why is confidence so important to women?
Because confidence shows a woman that a man can get the job done. It means
that he can handle the bad situations that life throws at him and work through
them. He can provide for himself, and more importantly, he can provide for her
and her offspring.
“Whooooa! Wait a minute. Did he just say that?” Now let’s back up for a second
because I realize that the previous sentence might have caught you off guard.
You might be thinking that you and your girlfriend are too young, or just not at
the point of thinking of children or that far into the relationship but make no
mistake about it... if the woman was serious about you to begin with, these things
were on her mind; maybe not at a conscious level, but most definitely at a
subconscious one.
There are many things in life one can do to change certain aspects of themselves,
but the one thing they can’t escape is their genetic programming, and it’s genetic
programming that’s at play here, both hers and yours.
Allow me to elaborate on this by explaining the answer to the age old question,
“Why are women always attracted to jerks and bad boys?”
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And the answer to that can be summed up with one word: genetics.
Women are genetically programmed to be attracted to bad boys not because they
are necessarily bad, but because they are confident, strong, and in their eyes,
unattainable. They can’t help it. They never really had a choice in the matter; it’s
just the way nature intended it to be. And all of this falls into this so called
Darwinism effect or “survival of the fittest”.
It doesn’t matter how much the human race has evolved since the age of the
caveman. We still carry the same genes. It’s just our surroundings that have
forced us to use things as intelligence to “mask” our animal instincts.
Getting back to the point, women are genetically programmed to desire and want
to mate with dominant males. If you’ve ever watched any mating rituals on
National Geographic or programs of that sort, you’ll clearly understand what I’m
talking about.
What it all boils down to is that women choose the guy who possesses dominant
traits: strength, ambition, decisiveness, control, etc… As soon as they spot these
traits they develop the mating instinct.
This is what happened to your girlfriend when she met you. She saw all of those
qualities in you, qualities which you expressed through your confidence, and
chose you to be “her one”. And make no mistake about it, she chose you, not the
other way around. Remember this genetic programming we just talked about?
So now that you know what women are after, and I mean what women are really
after, this is a good time to discuss what repels women.
I need you to stay with me on this. This theory, whether it’s known to you or not,
is necessary to get you into the mindset to receive the step by step instructions on
how to get your woman back. Like I told you before, the things you’ll say or do
will not have nearly the same effect if not carried out with the right mindset and
(if you haven’t guessed it by now) confidence.
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B. What Repels Women?
By now it should be fairly clear to you what women want from men, and more
specifically, what your woman wants from you. It’s confidence. I said it again, and
I’ll keep hammering it in your head throughout the rest of this book because this
point is so vital to accomplishing the task at hand: restoring your relationship.
Knowing the makeup of confidence and how it applies to attracting and “reattracting” women gets you 50% of the way to your goal. Now, I’m going to tell
you about the other half: what repels women and what not to do if you don’t
want to push your woman any further away than she already is.
The things I’m about to share could possibly create serious conflicts within you.
These are things that go directly against what women have told you and will
continue to tell you for the rest of your life. But they tie in directly with the whole
Darwinism theory. (TIP: never listen to what women say; watch what
they do instead).
These are the things that women find annoying, in fact, it would be more
appropriate to say that they absolutely despise them:
•
Paying TOO much attention to them
•
Overdoing it with your feelings towards her
•
Giving them the upper hand in the relationship (which she clearly has
now)
•
Letting them treat you like a doormat by putting their needs in front of
yours
The whole “nice guys finish last” cliché couldn’t be truer than in this situation.
But why are these things so harmful to men? Why is it bad to tell and show a
woman how much you REALLY love her? The answer is so simple, and it
surprises me that most men don’t realize it. It goes against the whole
DARWINISM theory we just discussed.
Listen, there’s nothing wrong with showing affection or doing nice things. I am
not suggesting that you should be a jerk. But being too nice or too available shows
a woman that you have the opposite of confidence: insecurity. You come across as
needy and women hate insecure, needy men.
If you are, or at one point became overly available to your woman, you’ve lost the
edge and essentially given her the upper hand. Most women DO NOT want
the upper hand in a relationship.
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Sure, it might not seem this way with more and more feminists hitting the scene,
but make no mistake about it, women are women. No matter how strong or
dominant a woman seems, she doesn’t want the upper hand. This is programmed
in her genes.
So what does this all to do with you? Why did I choose to include this part in the
book? Because right now you are the epitome of insecurity. Please don’t take
offense to this. It’s natural.
Let me explain this by asking you a question, “what just happened?”
She broke up with you, right? What exactly does this mean? It means that she’s
rejected you. Acceptance by anyone is a very powerful confidence booster.
Rejection is just as powerful, but in contrast to former, it works in the opposite
direction.
Your confidence level has reached rock bottom. You’re crying out for help and
that’s why you’re reading this right now. You’ve either done or are thinking of
doing all of the things that repel women. The things we just discussed that reek of
self-doubt and insecurity.
That’s why I included this section. Because when you finish reading this book and
it’s time to take action, I want you to be fully aware of both sides of the equation:
what your woman wants and what she absolutely despises.
By knowing these essential principles you will be able to move forward with
getting what you want, and not have to second guess your “next move”. Because
to be honest with you, when you’re done reading this book, these things should
come out naturally. Like I told you before, this isn’t about faking and games. It’s
sincerity and confidence that will get you what you want.
Having covered what attracts women and what repels them, this leaves us with
one final piece of the puzzle: what do women want from a relationship? Once you
understand these three things and how they relate to each other, we’ll be ready
for a little hindsight into your own relationship to figure out what went wrong,
and more importantly, how to correct it.
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C. What Do Women Want From A Relationship?
This is another one of my favorite questions. And again, it seems that a large part
of the male population is just as equally dumb-founded when it comes to this one.
The answer is not all that difficult really, especially if you’ve been paying
attention so far.
Remember what we discussed about confidence? About why it was so important
and the underlying message it delivers to women? Well, this is a direct
continuation of this. A woman’s primary concern in a long term relationship (her
“stay or break” criteria to put it bluntly) can be summed up in one word:
SECURITY
And I’m not talking about money here! Don’t’ get me wrong, having money
does score you extra points in ensuring your woman’s confidence in the security
you can provide for her, but it’s much more complex than this.
It’s unfortunate that more guys don’t realize this. If they did, then women
wouldn’t be treated like commodities and men wouldn’t feel the perpetual need
to compete with each other by using their wallets as playing cards.
Getting back to the point, just like a simple term such as confidence has many
underlying “make-ups”, so does security and it follows the same principle we
discussed before: genetic pre-programming.
Remember when I told you that a woman’s genetic pre-programming determined
who she was attracted to? Well, security is the direct continuation of this. A
woman needs to know that you can provide for her.
Providing for a woman means several things such as showing respect, being
affectionate, and anything that generally ensures her well being both in the
present and in the future. You know, when it comes time for those kids we
discussed.
And if you’re a little confused here by what we discussed before when I said that
you shouldn’t be too affectionate towards your woman, I stand by this. There is a
fine line between showing someone you care and being outright needy. You must
understand and be able to, at any time, make a clear distinction between the two.
So, it boils down to this… a woman makes her decision about who to date based
on how “promising” he seems. All those things we talked about before that
determine if he’s got the dominant characteristics.
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But this is just the beginning. Essentially, this just gets your foot in the door. In
order to keep the relationship together, you need to “follow through” on this
promise. If you can’t deliver on your promise, the relationship will start to lose its
momentum and you’re living proof of this. And don’t take offence but you haven’t
delivered on your promise. Sure, you yourself might not have promised
something concrete, but that doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference, and I’ll
show you why in the next section of the book.
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III. Reverse Engineering The Relationship
When guys talk to me about their breakups, most of them tell me that they never
saw it coming. This never ceases to amaze me but it really has opened my eyes to
a couple things. First, men don’t really know women all that well, and second,
those that claim they do, seem to be equally inept when it comes down to
knowing, “what a girl truly wants”.
The fact of the matter is, no matter how unexpected and sudden it seems when
she’s “dropping the bomb”, it’s the result of things that have been building up
over a long period of time. It’s just too bad you didn’t realize them soon
enough.
But don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not as if women are directly telling their
boyfriends that there are little things building up (negative points, so to speak)
that they’re keeping track of. You know: the things that you could be more aware
of and avoid in the future.
Regardless, and as strange as this may sound, it is ultimately your responsibility
to pick up on these things on your own. In fact, it’s your duty towards women as a
man, and they won’t have it any other way.
This falls right in line with everything else we’ve discussed up until now. It’s just
another way for women to test your ability to be a “man”, or to put it more
clearly, your ability to be a provider and give them the sense of security they
demand.
The entire point of this section is to make you realize and understand how you
“messed things up”. Of course, things discussed here will be a generalization of
what causes a relationship to go downhill, but believe me, you’ll be able to relate
to most of it, regardless of how unique your relationship might appear.
Remember, as people, we all share the same common traits so it goes without
saying that we make the same mistakes and are prone to the same shortcomings
as everyone else.
I want you to really get involved with the reading, especially in the pages that
follow. We’re still taking the theoretical approach to solving your problem at this
point but the few instances where action is called for must not be overlooked or
treated with lesser importance.
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A. The 6 Stages Of A Relationship
Every long term relationship (2+ years in length) that comes apart can be broken
down into six distinct stages. Before I elaborate on this I’d like to point out two
things:
•
This also applies to relationships that last for less than two years although
the length of the stages can vary considerably
•
In rare circumstances certain stages can be altogether skipped. For
example, a couple could be in their honeymoon phase and one of them
may cheat. Most times the relationship will go into a downward spiral
skipping through the other 5 stages
With those exceptions aside, the typical long-term relationship can be divided
into these six stages (also see figure below):
•
The Honeymoon Stage
•
The Reality Stage
•
The Burn-Out Stage
•
The Crash
•
The Break Up
•
The Salad Stage
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Stage 1: The Honeymoon Stage
The Honeymoon Stage typically begins the moment you first meet someone and
carries on for about 6 to 12 months into the relationship. For most people, this is
usually the happiest they’ll ever feel in their relationships. It’s those days when
you admit to yourself that you’re “in love”.
It’s the time in your life when you feel your best. You feel it and you radiate it to
the world – everyone can tell. There’s not much that can bring you down in these
days. Everything else is but noise, a byproduct of the signal which you find
yourself helplessly drawn to.
This is the Honeymoon Stage: when you’re so infatuated with someone that
you overlook everything negative about them. Any shortcomings you might find
in your partner are easily brushed over. Fights seldom occur, and when they do,
they’re usually quickly resolved. Both people in the relationship seem to be
walking on eggshells for fear of accidentally hurting the others’ feelings.
It’s in this Honeymoon Phase that your girlfriend is most fond of you, but usually
you’re fonder of her, because let’s face it: when guys fall, they fall hard. Most of
the “bad” things you do to her in this stage of the relationship are typically
ignored, unless it’s something serious (e.g. cheating, beating).
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Stage 2: The Reality Stage
After six to twelve months of being with someone, the “honeymoon begins to
fade”. The relationship enters its second stage, known as the “Reality Stage”. You
can recognize this point in your relationship fairly easy just by thinking back to
when you realized that you weren’t “in the clouds” anymore. You still felt good
about everything, and the warm feelings for your partner were there, it’s just that
everything was toned down a notch.
This is the stage of the relationship when you start to notice her “flaws” and she
starts to notice yours. During this stage fights might occur a little more
frequently, and often take longer to resolve. Things are still great at this stage,
especially at the beginning, but for most couples this is usually the beginning of
the end… no matter how good things are.
THIS IS THE TIME WHEN GUYS START SCREWING UP
It’s safe to say that this is when you started screwing up, at least in her eyes.
Remember what we talked about earlier regarding those negative points. This is
the stage where they begin to get recorded – permanently. Every “bad” thing you
did during this stage, no matter how trivial, was recorded in her little book of
boo-boo’s.
What do I mean by all this? Indeed, it may seem like I’m piling all of the blame on
guys here, but this is not the case. You know the saying, “it takes two to tango?”
It couldn’t be truer than in this situation. Unfortunately, she may not feel the
same way.
Look, you might have started accumulating negative points in the Reality Stage
but it wasn’t entirely your fault. You were simply reacting to her signals as she
was reacting to yours. This is what makes up a relationship: an interaction
between two people.
But the reason I’m shifting the entire blame on you here is because, in her book,
everything she saw as “flaws” was the direct result of you making either of these
two crucial relationship mistakes:
•
Showing TOO much attention
•
Not showing ENOUGH attention
Remember, there’s a fine line between the two and it’s one that should never be
crossed. If she broke up with you, you can bet it was due to one of those reasons,
regardless of the reason she might have given you.
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If you gave her too much attention and allowed yourself to be summoned by her
every beck and call, then you caused her to lose that attractiveness she initially
had for you. Remember the confidence/insecurity principle?
And if you didn’t pay enough attention to her needs, be it physical or emotional,
she got fed up with you and started reconsidering if you’d keep your “promise” to
her.
The things that occur in this stage set the ball rolling for the Burn-Out Stage; a
stage filled with arguments, selfishness, and in a lot of cases, outright cruelty
towards each other.
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Stage 3: The Burn-Out Stage
I chose to call this stage of a relationship the “Burn-Out Stage” stage because
that’s exactly what happens: the relationship burns out. Either she loses interest
in you or you lose interest in her. This can best be illustrated by the following
figures below:
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Initially, when you entered this stage, both of you had similar interest levels until
you hit the “tolerance threshold”. This is the point in the relationship where those
levels started desynchronizing. First, by only a small amount, but as they got
more and more out of synch, they built up enough momentum to drastically split
apart.
Like I mentioned before, a relationship is a dynamic medium. One person feeds
off the other and things just take their course. This is why there are two curves to
each figure: one illustrates your interest level and the other illustrates hers.
I want you to pay close attention to BOTH of them, because if your situation can
best be illustrated by the 2nd graph, then what you do once you put this book
down is more important than you think (described later).
This stage of the relationship is typically filled with fights and jealousy. The
person with the higher interest level often gets paranoid that the other is cheating
on them. Definite patterns start to emerge as one person pulls away from the
other. The warning signs of a relationship in trouble are obvious by this stage.
This stage lasts until the person who is losing interest reaches a threshold level.
At this point the relationship quickly slides into stage 4.
RIGHT NOW, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, THE BURN-OUT
STAGE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STAGE YOU
NEED TO BE CONCERNED WITH
The concepts we’ve talked about up until now are what are going to get your “foot
in the door”. When put into play, they are going to set the ball rolling for you and
you’ll end up in “relationship repair talks”. But that’s just the beginning.
In order to maintain and move on from just talking to actually becoming a couple
again, you’re going to need to address the damaging issues that took place at this
exact point in the relationship – when they were right in front of both of your
faces. And you need to this with actions, not just words (as you’ll see in later
sections of this book).
You need to live up to that “promise” that we talked about.
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Stages 4 & 5: The Crash & The Breakup
The Crash & Breakup stages of a relationship typically go hand in hand because
the time that separates them is not that far apart. A woman may enter the Crash
stage simply by getting fed up from being “burned out”, or in the worst of cases,
because someone else comes into the picture.
If there’s one single point in your relationship that will always stick with you, it’s
this one. It goes hand in hand with the first time you met, the first kiss, and first
sexual encounter. If you’ve been in previous relationships I’m sure you can agree
with me on this one.
The Breakup Stage of the relationship is in most cases one of deep shock for the
person being rejected. Sometimes the shock can be great enough to bring out
feelings of happiness in you, or a sense of relief and freedom.
Unfortunately, these feelings don’t last long and what follows is the ultimate
crash. The point where emotions take over and the strongest of men fall apart.
The most important thing in this stage of the relationship, this one small but very
important instance, is to keep your cool. If you got too excited and maybe said
some things you shouldn’t have, then you’ll have your work cut out for you.
This point in the relationship is where women usually feel very guilty. They know
what they’re doing to you and how it makes you feel… and they feel terrible about
it (even though they might not show it directly at times).
Regardless of that point, the last thing a guy wants to do here is disrespect his
partner in any way because she’s just looking for reasons to justify her actions
and relieve some of the guilt that’s eating her up.
Like I said, if you acted like a gentleman when she was dropping the bomb and
have continued to act this way up until now, you’ve scored yourself major points
with her. If not, then we have some extra work to do with this situation you’ve
gotten yourself into: The Salad Stage.
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Stage 6: The Salad Stage
In my honest opinion, this is the most horrid stage of a relationship. Nothing
compares to this. It has all the intensity of the Honeymoon Stage, but unlike the
former, the feelings involved are negative: sorrow, remorse, guilt, and for the
most unfortunate, blatant psychosis! This is even worse than the actual moment
of breaking up because at least the fall from that is usually cushioned by extreme
shock!
This is the stage that you’re in. What you decide to do from this point on
determines whether you’ll get back with her or go down the long path of misery,
and believe me… you don’t want to go there.
The Salad Stage is made up of all the uncertainty, crushed self-esteem and
craving one has for their partner. It’s very difficult to make rational decisions in a
time such as this because emotions are running sky-high wiping out any logic
that comes their way.
There are several approaches to getting out of this situation but first I want to tell
which three ways you can expect things to go from here.
1. You could get back together with your girlfriend and lose her again. If this
is the first time you broke up, there’s a high probability that you’ll get her
back even if you do everything the wrong way. It won’t be of much use,
however, because the same things that led to your first breakup will lead to
your second, and possibly third, fourth, etc…
2. You could lose her for good
3. You could get back together with her and make the relationship stronger
than before. This is what you truly want, right?
Many times a relationship that’s headed for the third path will end up suffering
the fate of the first. It’s unfortunate and it’s all because guys don’t know how to
handle themselves in this situation. And this is completely understandable
because emotions have completely taken over logic and what’s really important
here.
This is why I chose to call this stage of the relationship “The Salad Stage”,
because everything is completely tossed up in the air, and when something’s up in
the air, which is the only way it can go from there? DOWN.
Now don’t take this figuratively, because I don’t want you to get mixed up here:
there are 3 paths a dying relationship can take. I just made the analogy here to
stress a very important point: there is only one right way to approach the
situation from here.
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It is for this reason that I get so furious when I hear other relationship “gurus”
talk about tactics or “sneaky ways” to get someone back. These things just don’t
work. Sure, you might get a little gratification from it by perhaps getting your
woman back temporarily, but if you don’t get to the root of the problem, she’ll be
out of your life as soon as she came in.
If there’s one thing I want you to get out of this book it’s this single point:
nothing takes the place of honesty and sincerity when it comes to
relationships.
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IV. How To Craft Your Own ‘Unique’
Relationship Repair Strategy
By now I hope that you’ve taken everything we’ve talked about and gained a little
more insight into your current situation. The lessons, or fundamentals, that were
just described form the basis of your relationship. By knowing these
fundamentals you can effectively pinpoint some of the mistakes you made along
the way.
Now you just need to use the principles to reverse and correct everything that’s
happening. To recap, everything that you do from this point on, you need to base
it on each of these 3 things:
1. Every woman desires a confident man
2. Every woman demands security from a man
3. The power in a relationship lies with the one who needs it the least
It’s time to take these principles and draw out a map of how to put them into
practice. Before you read on, however, I want you to take a break. Put this book
down for an afternoon, the evening, whatever. Let your head sort out all the
details and specifics we just talked about so that you can come back here and take
things in with a clear mind.
The things I’m about to tell you will be a little bit hard to follow, and perhaps,
they’ll even seem counterintuitive to getting what you want, but trust me, if you
have any chances left to get back together with your girlfriend, this is the way to
do it.
The first thing that you need to do is switch your focus. Instead of concentrating
on how to get back together with your ex, think about what you really want.
You’re ultimate goal is to be happy, not to get back together with your ex. It
may sound stupid, I know, but think about it for a minute.
Why were you together with this person for so long? Why have you dedicated the
past several months, or years, and so many precious moments of your time to this
one person? Because you loved them? Sure on the surface, this is a valid reason,
but the real reason (and as selfish as this may sound) is because it made you
happy.
Everything in this relationship was about you. It’s true. Even when you were
doing nice things for your girlfriend, you were doing them to ultimately get
something in return: the reward in the form of gratification for making her
happy.
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So what has happened here? She’s broken up with you, rejected you, and you’re
unhappy. All of your thoughts are concentrated on one thing: getting her back,
because the selfish part of your subconscious fully realizes that this is a means to
an end: your happiness.
So I ask you this? If happiness is what you truly desire, why not take a short-cut
to get there? Why not take the path less traveled by relationship “rejects” (sorry
to be harsh) and start getting happy. We talked about this before, the confidence,
the self-assurance, and the dominant male: everything that makes you shine and
attractive to your partner.
This is the only way to truly get what you desire. There are no tricks, no games, or
tactics here. It’s all about a means to an end. If you want to get and stay happy
(key word: stay) then you have to concentrate exclusively on that, and trust me,
everything else will fall into place.
If she wants to come back, and I can bet with 99% certainty that she does, she
will. But you can’t pressure her back, and you can’t trick her into coming back
either. It’s going to happen on its own.
It’s time to start playing by your rules, not hers. She made a choice: to end the
relationship, and whether you like it or not, you have to accept this. But this is as
far as you’re going to go. From here on in, you’re going to play by your rules, and
if she wants to be a part of your life, she’s going to have to do the same.
Remember, it’s all about shifting focus.
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A. Planning Your “Approach”
It’s time to craft you strategy for getting her back based on your particular
situation. Now, before we move on to this I want to take the time to point
something out: everyone’s relationship is different and unique in some way.
I know this because I’ve participated in more than 1,200 personal consultations
at the time of this writing. However, no matter how different you believe your
situation to be, the major circumstances that surround your relationship and
breakup puts you into one of five categories… There are NO exceptions to
this so don’t try to look for one.
And I know this because when readers would email me their stories and would
point out how different or complicated their situation was… the truth is, it wasn’t
that different at all (except for those minor differences that exist in all
relationships and have no bearing whatsoever on the issue at hand). Look, we’re
not concentrating on minor differences… what’s important here are the major
characteristics that allow you to be put into some form of classification.
Now, based on everything we’ve discussed so far I’m going to give you five
different approaches that are suited to your problem and fully explain what
category you belong to. Remember, you belong to one of them so don’t try and
look for a sixth.
And I need your undivided attention because it’s crucial which approach you pick
as part of your overall strategy if you want to succeed. But here’s where it gets
tricky. You may need to use a combination of approaches and this will depend not
only on your starting point in this relationship and breakup but also at what
stage you are at the moment. So again, play close attention to the section that
follows and when you finish reading this entire book – go ahead and look at the
graphic representations of each and every approach in the mindmaps that
immediately follow.
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Approach #1: ‘No Contact’ (NC)
One of the most powerful ways of getting your girl back is to use ‘No Contact’
(NC) as part of your overall strategy. What this basically means is that you stop
getting in touch with your ex in any way, shape, or form.
Because if there’s one thing that guys do wrong during a breakup, it’s not keeping
their distance. They get all needy and emotional and attempt to get her back by
trying to ‘persuade her’. By now you can see how this goes against everything
we’ve talked about. And I hope you’re starting to see how NC works in your favor.
If not, don’t worry, I’ll explain it to you in a moment.
However, before we move on I want to make one thing very clear: No Contact is
NOT suitable for everyone. True, it is an extremely powerful approach and in
most circumstances it’s the approach of choice… but not always! If you use this
approach where it’s not warranted it will severely backfire.
That’s because every relationship is different and No Contact is just one of five (5)
different approaches that make up an overall relationship repair strategy. And
I’m going to go over each on in detail and I want you to read over each one
in detail… but I want you to pay very close attention to this one
because the other four are based on this one in some way or another.
So with that being said…
When should you use NC as part of your overall strategy?
•
If you don’t live together, if you don’t have children together, or if you
don’t have any other obligation that requires some form of contact with
her (these circumstances and their subsequent approaches will be dealt
with later) – in other words when it’s physically possible to employ NC
then you should
•
If she is dating someone else
•
If your particular case doesn’t fit into any other category described in later
sections
When should you avoid using NC?
•
If you are in a UST (“Ultra” Short Term Relationship; less than 2 months
of being together; fully described in the supplementary book that came
with this course)
•
If you have been broken up for an extended period of time (3+ months)
and haven’t kept contact throughout the breakup
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•
If you broke up with her and now you want her back
•
If you are still together (i.e. haven’t officially broken up yet – this includes
“breaks”)
•
If this breakup was the result of your lack of commitment to set a wedding
date or engagement date
One more thing that needs to be mentioned: NC should not be used as an initial
approach in the above scenarios but sometimes it will be required further down
the road depending on how your repair strategy is progressing. I’ll explain this in
more detail where applicable.
Now if your situation calls for it, breaking contact with your girlfriend is the
single most effective thing you can do to get her back. It’s such a counter-intuitive
approach that it literally shocks her into crawling back.
But you might find yourself asking, “won’t she forget about me?” or “doesn’t this
go against exactly what I’m trying to achieve?” – the answer is plain and simple:
absolutely not.
Let me clarify this a bit here. First of all, you can’t just forget about someone
you’ve been intimately involved with. It takes months, even years, and to be
completely honest, some of her feelings towards you may never go away. So cast
aside your first concern. Second, and most important, you’ll be going with the
tide and this is will ultimately bring you closer to your goal.
You’re going to give her exactly what she asked for… her space. You’ll realize why
this is so effective when you take the following into consideration: although she
has told you that she wants to end the relationship and ‘needs space’, she might
have also told you that she wants to remain ‘friends’. Ah… the f-word. The
number of guys I’ve seen victimized by this f-word are more than I care to count.
Here’s exactly what this means…
By telling you that she wants to end the relationship, she’s rejected you. She’s told
you that you’re no longer welcome in her intimate world. But here’s the kicker:
she might have told you that she still loves you. Perhaps not, but there’s a good
chance she told you that she wants to remain friends.
So what exactly does this mean to her? What is she really telling you? She’s
telling you that she wants you in her life so she can cushion her own fall.
Remember, at this point she’s probably feeling a great deal of guilt for causing
you pain. This is where you may feel the need to persuade her into patching
things up and getting back together, but everything you’re doing is leading you
that much further away from getting what you want.
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Think about it... how can someone tell you that you’re good enough to be friends
with… even love… but at the same time not give you the benefits that you once
had access to? That’s like saying, “Hey, you’re good enough to hang out with,
you’re good enough to love, but not good enough to be in love with”. Let your ego
rile you up a bit on this one. Start truly being selfish for a change.
Who are you? Do you value and respect yourself? Right now maybe not
considering your circumstances, but you should kick that train of thought right
out the window and start seeing yourself for what you truly are. You’re not
someone to be taken as ‘only good enough for...’ – get my point?
So no, you’re not going to be friends, and you’re not going to be there for her
whenever she needs you.
There’s no such thing as a magic bullet when it comes to relationship repair, but
no contact is as close as you’re ever going to get to finding one. This is based on
the golden principles of not only intimate relationships, but in all areas of life
involving the necessary cooperation of two or more people:
“THE POWER IN A RELATIONSHIP LIES
WITH THE ONE WHO NEEDS IT THE LEAST”
I want you to read and re-read that last sentence. Write it down on a piece of
paper and put it up on your wall: someplace where you can see it every time you
go to bed and every time you wake up.
Understanding the true meaning of this sentence is the key to getting through all
of this. If you’re going to take the challenge and initiate no contact (and stick to
it) you’re going to need to engrain this principle into your head.
Let me clarify. Right now she has the power in this relationship and if it’s not
blaringly obvious to you yet… you better start to realize and accept it. You’re
pulling and she’s tugging and it’s getting you nowhere.
Well, almost nowhere. What it’s really doing is pushing you further apart from
her and giving her the confidence boost to lead a more independent life without
you in it.
Do you know why?
Because right now you’re her “training wheel system”. Consider this… take
yourself back to the point in your life when you were learning to ride a bike. You
probably started off by using training wheels, right? Those training wheels were
there to protect your fall, to make sure you keep your balance and go on biking
without the risk of hurting yourself.
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Now take yourself to the point when you where getting a little bit older and were
ready to go without those wheels. How did you feel? Scared? You were excited to
move on to bigger and better (riding without training wheels like a “big boy”) but
you still needed some support.
That’s where your dad probably came into the picture. That’s how it was for me,
and for most other kids I know, so I’m sure your situation was similar. So there
he was, good old dad, running along beside you while you peddled and said,
“Dad, don’t let go of me OK?” And while you were happy to have your dad
holding you and helping you along, you didn’t really want him there. What you
really wanted was to be riding on your own.
Now take this “rough” metaphor and apply it to your breakup. Do you know what
role you’re taking right now? I’ll tell you: you’re the one holding her as she
peddles along; you’re the dad and the training wheels. She has you for support.
She knows that as long as you’re there beside her, she can’t get hurt.
But herein lies the problem. You’re not your “dad”. You’re also in a new situation,
and a painful one at that. You’re not trying to move on to bigger and better.
You’re trying to make things right. So going back to our metaphor, you’re like
your dad on one foot. No, scratch that. You’re like your dad on one foot that’s
wounded and bleeding.
Picture it. Get graphic. Who is there to help you? To give YOU the support you
need while you’re giving and giving and giving? Nobody! And when I mean
nobody, I mean HER. Because no matter how much your friends or your family
stand beside you and comfort you through all of this… all pale in comparison to
what she could do for you.
So take this to heart. You’re drowning to save her. Except in this situation, when
she’s finally safe on shore, she’s not going to reach out and give you a hand. She’ll
watch you as you sink to the bottom. Or probably worse: she won’t even be there
to watch you. She’ll have moved on.
Lesson to be learned:
“THE POWER IN A RELATIONSHIP LIES
WITH THE ONE WHO NEEDS IT THE LEAST”
Now that we’ve covered why NC is so important, and why it works, it’s time to
start putting into to play. But before we do that I want to take a minute of your
time to clear up a few things.
First of all, you should know and understand the NC is not a strategy in itself. NC
is just a tactic like the other four we’ll soon discuss. And there are many
“gurus” preaching this approach but no one has taken the time to point out this
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simple fact: it’s the mindset behind the tactic that turns it into a
strategy.
I can say with complete confidence that you won’t find any of this tied in together
so tightly anywhere else. I don’t tell you this to brag… NO. I’m telling you this to
point out the fact that this is a topic that I’m very passionate about.
It’s also one I’ve personally been through and know exactly how it feels to be in
from a guy’s perspective (important). And that’s why I’ve taken the time to be as
exhaustive as possible about it. To make sure that you “get it” and you can you
use it for all it’s worth.
Now if you’ve just blown over everything I written so far so you could get on to
the step-by-step guide, then shame on you! But seriously, if this describes you
then you need to read and re-read everything up until this point. The strategy to
getting your girlfriend back is 90% in your head and only 10% in your actions (at
best).
And most guys miss this. How do I know? Because of the types of questions I’ve
received after putting out the first edition of this book. Nonetheless, I’ve been
very careful in going over every one of those questions and analyzing them to the
fullest extent before putting together this edition. You’ll find many of them
answered at the end of this section.
So with that out of the way… let’s move on to the meat of the matter.
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The No Contact Step-By-Step Guide
The actual steps of NC are as simple as the concept of the strategy itself. You’ll
have no trouble carrying out every single one of them. That’s not what worries
me. My real concern is that you make the decision to execute this plan. An even
bigger concern is that you stick to it (but I have a solution to that as well if you’re
willing to get your hands a little “dirty”).
This will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do. Breaking up with a
girl is like withdrawing from a drug or quitting smoking. It eats you up from the
inside and the possibility for relapse is high.
With that being said, I just want to remind you that your own determination will
ultimately decide the outcome of the following steps. Here they are:
Step 1: Choose how you’re going to initiate the process of NC. Here are your
options:
•
Get in contact with your ex one last time and tell her that you’d like to
keep your distance from each other. Tell her that you need some time
to think and that being in contact with each other will cloud these
thoughts. One more thing… if up until this point things have been
bitter between the 2 of you, now’s the time to apologize and tell her
that you respect her decision to break up. Keep it simple and
straightforward.
•
Don’t get in contact with her at all and just “drop off of the face of the
Earth”
Here’s what you should know about these two options. If you choose to go with
the first one, you better be willing and ready to confront her in a manner where
she won’t think you’re trying to play a game with her.
What I mean by this is that everything we’ve discussed up until this point, you’ve
internalized and you truly feel that you’re ready to let go and not be in contact
with her anymore. If you can’t honestly convince yourself about this last
point, attempting no contact will be pointless. If you’re not ready, take
some time to think it over – then come back and make your decision (the right
one). If you choose the second option, you don’t need to be as prepared, you can
just dive in.
Now when I initially wrote this book I got this question a lot…
“Which option should I go with? Do I call her and tell her I need my
space or do I just drop off the face of the earth?”
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That’s a great question and one that needs to be carefully answered. If you have
something serious to apologize for (e.g. lying, name-calling) then you should go
with option number one… without a doubt. As I wrote before, you call her up and
tell her you’re sorry for whatever it is that you’ve done wrong.
Then you tell her that you’ll be leaving her alone and that she should NOT
contact you because now you need your space to get yourself together. But
under no circumstances should you tell her that you love her and that
you’ll always be there for her.
I don’t care if she tells you she loves you. You tell her that you need to go and you
end the conversation right then and there (unless she breaks down in tears and
tells you she wants you back… then you proceed with what I’m going to write
about in a bit).
Telling her that you love her and that you’ll be there for her “no matter what”
goes against everything that you’re trying to achieve. I can’t stress this enough.
She’ll think you’re playing games with her and this is likely to backfire. You don’t
want that.
Just think about it for a second: if you tell her that you’re there for her and at the
same time you tell her not to contact you, what message are you really sending to
this girl? That you’re hurt, desperate, and confused. This will only piss her off and
you’ll be digging an even deeper hole for yourself… you’ve been warned!
Now, if there’s something less serious that you want to apologize for (e.g.
overdoing the calling, texting, and apologizing) then forget about option number
one altogether. Do not make excuses to yourself as to why you need to call her
and tell her you’re going into NC unless you’ve done something seriously wrong
to this girl. In other words, if your biggest “crimes” are begging, being needy, and
too pushy, you should go with option number two.
Why?
For two simple reasons:
1. Because most likely you won’t be emotionally ready to convince her that
you mean “business” therefore rendering the strategy useless
2. Because many guys are desperate to talk to their ex “one last time” and feel
that this is some kind of a magic speech that will instantly turn things
around… it’s possible that it will, but don’t count on things going your way
so soon
You can’t possibly convince this girl that you’re really serious and that she truly
stands to lose you if you haven’t taken the time to digest everything I’ve written
about so far. That is, if you haven’t made up your mind that you’re either going to
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be with this girl 100% as her boyfriend… or nothing at all. If you don’t truly feel
this deep down inside and you’re not confident in your decision, then you don’t
stand much of a chance in making her feel it as well.
One last thing… make sure you don’t over-analyze this. A lot of guys have sent me
lengthy emails in the past so that I can review them before they send them off to
their girlfriends as part of their NC strategy. This is a mistake and for two
reasons: if you have something that important to apologize for then do it over the
phone – don’t hide behind your computer. And the second reason is that a long,
drawn-out explanation as to why you won’t be contacting her anymore is not only
unnecessary but counter-productive as well. So get personal, get to the point, and
above all, keep it brief – plain and simple.
Which brings us to option number two (the preferred option). Why is it that I’m
leaning towards this one so much?
For one, you’re not going to put yourself in a position where she could
misinterpret your confidence for neediness. This is the most important reason. It
will take you a couple of days to make this decision (that you’ll be settling for “all
or nothing”) and to truly believe in it. That’s why it’s better to just keep your
distance… so you can work on your mindset.
Now the second reason why I favor this option over the other is this: if you’ve
already been in regular contact with her and then you just drop off the face of the
earth, this will add more force to the shock when you do break the news to her
that you need your distance.
Because if you’ve been acting as her support all this time, and then you stay away
for a few days and when she calls you “lay it on her”… that support will vanish
into thin air from one second to the next and then she’ll truly feel what it’s like to
be alone… this is very powerful.
Step 2: Find an outlet for your pain and negative energy. This is crucial because
you’re going into “rehab”. The best advice I can give you is to take up some form
of exercise: running or walking at the very least. If that’s not your thing, take up
an activity that completely takes your mind away from things. But I strongly
encourage you on the exercise because it has a triple effect in bettering your
situation:
•
Exercise is a potent mood enhancer – physical activity is directly
responsible for the release of chemicals in your brain known as
endorphins. Endorphins have been scientifically proven to elevate
mood. So run Forrest, run!
•
Exercise builds confidence - your confidence will soar because you’ll
not only feel better… but look better as well
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•
It’s a great way to avoid negative thoughts by keeping your mind tuned
out from the situation
Step 3: Take a piece of paper, write down her number and e-mail address, and
just about anything else that you’ve used to contact her. Make sure you record it
correctly (you’ll understand why in the next step).
Step 4: Erase all of her details from your cell phone, address-book, or whatever
it is that you keep contact information in. Get rid of the e-mails. Stop reading
them, re-reading them, and analyzing them. Get rid of ALL the e-mails –
DELETE – TRASH BIN… DO NOT TAKE ANY SHORTCUTS and do not think for
a single second that this is going to work if you do take any shortcuts. If getting
her back is what you truly want then you to need to do this.
Step 5: Take all of your “physical” memories and put them in a box. I mean
pictures, teddy-bears, gifts, anything that reminds you of her. If you’re wearing
jewelry or watch (i.e. or any other gift she gave you) take it off. I don’t care how
much you like it and how good it makes you look – take it off! This is important.
Step 6: Put it all away. And no, not in your closet where you can get to it at any
time - somewhere completely out of reach. My best advice is to buy some kind of
a briefcase or “chest” that can be locked. Do this; lock everything up and give it to
a friend to hold. It’s going to be locked so you don’t have to worry about anyone
invading your privacy and most importantly, you won’t have easy access to it (the
latter can be a killer to this whole strategy when a little alcohol comes into play).
Step 7: Make some plans in the immediate or near future to do something out of
the ordinary… something fun. It doesn’t have to be a full-fledged vacation. Just
something that will get you out of your day to day norm and put you in a different
frame of mind. DO THIS. Do not take shortcuts. After a day in this new state
(even an afternoon or an evening will do it) you’ll see things in a new light. There
is a world out there for you, even without your ex in it.
That’s the basic 7 steps I recommend to anyone who wants to end their breakup
and get back into an active relationship even though they go against everything
that your emotions tell you to be doing. Now you might be thinking to yourself
that, “how can pushing her away and out of my life get me back together with
her?” The answer? By pushing her away you’ll start to heal and she’ll be the one
in pain. By being her support, she’ll be healing and you’ll be stuck with the pain.
Which situation would you rather be in?
Just to make sure you get this, I want you to go back and read that sentence that
you wrote down earlier (the one about the power). Do it. Right now. Read it over
and over again until it sinks in. But DO IT, don’t just nod along in agreement.
Back? Good. Let’s move on…
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Now it’s time to break apart every little detail about what’s going to transpire
from here on in and describe to you all the possible ways this thing can swing. I
want you to be ready for everything.
Onward…
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Seeing NC Through Till The End…
So you’ve finally built up the courage to make your decision and you put NC into
play… now what?
This is where “hell” really begins. If you thought you had it bad so far, you have
no idea what’s waiting for you. But as they say, “no pain – no gain”, right? And
I’m not telling you this to discourage you. I’m letting you know what to expect so
you don’t “crack” on me prematurely.
Understand that NC is simply the beginning. It’s how you handle yourself after
this point that really counts. Anyone with a mouth can shoot off those words but
it takes a man to stick by them.
The moment you put NC into place you need to start getting on with your life
while you’re “waiting” for her to call. Now, notice the order that I put the above
points in. Your most pressing concern here is to get yourself in shape… not if
(or when) she’s going to call you. If you treat the latter as a priority the former
will never come around… and even if she does call you, you won’t be ready for
her.
Now I can bet with almost complete certainty that the first question that popped
up in your head at this point is, “how long should I stick to NC and how long do I
wait before I call?”
The answer? You stick to it for as long as it takes… You wait for her to contact you
and you don’t break – you don’t call her first. This is very important. But… and
there’s a BIG but here… if you’re focusing on this question too much instead of
how you’re going to go about putting this into action, you’re not ready to go
through with this.
Like I just mentioned, from the moment you put NC into place your entire focus
has to shift from her and your breakup to you. It has to shift to the facets of your
life that don’t involve her or your past with her at all. Now this is almost
impossible to do but you have to at least try to the best of your ability.
You need to find an outlet for this negative energy and I’ve made some
suggestions above, but ultimately you need to choose something that personally
suits you and helps you through this tough situation. Regardless, I’m going to
delve into the answer to that question in a bit.
Now here’s the second most common question I get from readers, “What if she
never calls?” Again, if you’re asking yourself this question you’re missing the
point altogether. However, I’ve answered this in detail at the end of this section
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so you’ll get to it later. For now, I want to discuss the types of questions you
should be focusing on.
Here’s the question that you should be asking yourself, “What do I say to her
when she does call?”
OK… now we’re talking. This is how you play this thing out. When she does call,
you pick up the phone and you casually talk to her. What does this mean? It
means that you enter the conversation in a lighthearted but not overly-excited
mood.
Now let me explain this a bit further because it’s caused many readers confusion
in the past and it’s a very important point. You should never give off the
impression that you’re feeling like a “victim” or that you’re depressed because she
broke up with you. And this may very well be the case, but nonetheless, you can’t
show it.
What you’re trying to accomplish here is give off an air of confidence. You want to
make her realize exactly how much you don’t need her in your life to function
normally. By doing this you become unavailable to her at this point and start to
take control of this breakup (remember: we always want what we can’t have). If
you act depressed on the phone you’ve just defeated the purpose of going into
NC… she’ll call your bluff and that puts you back to square one – or even worse.
On the other hand, you don’t want to go into the conversation in an ecstatic or
surprised mood. And by this I mean that you don’t want to give off the
impression that you’re so happy or surprised she called and that you’ve been
waiting by the phone all this time. And not only do you not want to give off that
impression – you shouldn’t be feeling this way about this call if you’ve done
everything right up until now (i.e. building your confident mindset).
One last thing to mention about your mood: you shouldn’t be cold towards her as
if she’s your enemy or she’s done something horrible to you (even though the
latter is debatable). In other words, don’t try to lay a guilt trip on her for breaking
up with you. She’s not going to feel bad for you and it’s not going to work in
getting what you want.
Here’s the best way I can think of to describe what your mood should be like.
Imagine getting a call from someone you work with but have never talked to on
the phone. In other words, it’s someone you know but are not necessarily close to.
And it’s someone you have neither positive nor negative feelings for… it’s as if
they’re inconsequential to your life.
How would you react in this scenario? You’d pick up the phone in a neutral
fashion, right? You wouldn’t be ecstatic to hear from them because you’ve never
talked to them outside of work – you’d be a bit surprised that this person is
calling you but you wouldn’t outwardly communicate it. And you won’t be cold
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towards them either because you have nothing against them. You’d just be
yourself in a polite, attentive, sincere, and “oh, I wonder what he/she wants”
curious mood. And while it’s impossible to get into this exact mood with your ex
(someone who you’re in such emotional turmoil over), I want you to get as close
to it as possible.
Alright, enough about your mood. Next: what should you say to her? Well for one,
you should NOT bring up the relationship in any way. That has to come
entirely from her. As for what to talk about… that depends.
Readers have asked me in the past to give them some sort of “script”.
Unfortunately nothing like that exists and every relationship and their respective
conversations are too different to use some cookie-cutter template for something
as important as this. You’re going to have to “wing” it.
But let me remind you of this… she’s the one that’s calling. That means she’s the
one that should be steering the conversation. Don’t psyche yourself out before she
calls because you’re neither responsible for setting the pace of the conversation
nor its topic. Your only “task” here is to respond to what she has to say – that’s
all.
You see, the whole point is for you to feel her out. To understand why she’s
calling: Is she feeling guilty? Is there any remorse in her voice? Those are the
things you need to assess. And, in addition to your assessment you also want to
get the point across that you don’t need her (especially if you’ve begged her to
come back before). And you do this through your mood that I described above…
do not make the mistake of doing it verbally!
Now let’s cover the “ifs” of the conversation…
•
If she asks you where you’ve been or why haven’t you called and you had
gone with NC option #2 – this is where you tell her that you need your
space (i.e. you let her finally know that you’re deliberately not contacting
her). Again, you do not tell her you love her and that you’ll always be there
for her… this is important. At this point, if you’re lucky, she might break
down and tell you that this breakup is not what she wants. If that happens,
you’re golden. You got her back, now you just have to keep her (discussed
in the last section of the book).
•
If she gets angry with you for putting NC into place (either during this first
conversation or later ones)… that’s fine. You want that. It shows that she’s
reacting to you. If she yells at you or swears at you, just agree with
whatever she says and tell her you need to go – then just end the
conversation. Do not under any circumstance let her involve you in this
fight. Remember, I want you to be cool and casual throughout this whole
thing.
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•
If she tells you that she respects your decision to go into NC and that
“she’ll wait until you’re ready to call her back” you just stick to your guns
and wait for her to call regardless. She’ll come around sooner than later (I
don’t care how stubborn you think she is... she’ll call).
•
If she tells you she wants to meet with you – perfect (to be discussed
below).
Now, if she asks to meet with you, this is a very good sign. Not only that, but this
will also be the first time where you’ll have gained major control over this
breakup. Why? Because she’ll be reaching out to you – not the other way around.
And if you handle yourself well from this point on and can get her to reach
further and further… eventually things will swing full circle and you’ll be together
again.
So, how to handle this question from her? Well, if she’s calling you for the first
time and you’ve put NC option #2 into play and she asks to meet you – then you
tell her that you can’t because you’re going to be giving her space. But if this is the
second time she’s calling you and asks to meet you, then you give in and meet her
(I’ll explain how in a minute).
However, if you’ve put NC option #1 into play (you told her you wouldn’t be
contacting her anymore) and this is the first time she calls you and asks you to
meet, again, you give in. In short, you only accept her invitation to meet if you’ve
already established NC and she knows about it.
So, how to accept her invitation? Again, you want to be cool and casual here
the same way you entered the conversation. Take a couple of seconds to give her
an answer (but don’t overdo this) and tell her something along the lines of: “Sure,
that sounds fine. When were you thinking of?” Then let her choose the time and
place.
Now if you can, you should put it off for a day or two. And what I mean by this is
that if she asks you to meet her now tell her that you can’t because you have
something else to do (i.e. your whole life doesn’t revolve around her) – then
reschedule for a day or two later. If she can’t meet you in a day or two – then set
the appointment at further point in the future.
Whatever you do though, don’t change your mind and meet her the same day just
because she can’t in the upcoming few days… especially if you’ve already told her
that you can’t meet her today. The last thing you want to do is give off the
impression that you’re playing games. I can’t stress this enough.
Now the only time that the above scenario changes is if you’re in a long distance
relationship (and by long distance I’m not talking about living 20 or 30 minutes
away from each other). Obviously, in situations like these you don’t have the
luxury of playing around with your meeting date. It has to be set and agreed to by
both parties – especially if it requires travel by plane. But other than that,
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everything remains the same: you would still be casual about accepting her
invitation.
The last thing I want to mention about the above points is that your particular
situation might not match what I wrote here exactly. If that’s the case then use
your best judgment and proceed accordingly: If she’s giving you the green light to
move towards a more serious conversation, or a meeting in person, then go for
it… if not then cut her off politely and get on with your day.
Onward…
Now let’s take a moment to discuss future conversations with her. The important
thing here is to make some sort of progress (however small or slow) towards
getting back into the relationship each time there is contact by her. And by
progress, I mean that she has to keep taking steps in your direction. This entire
thing is what I’ve coined the reactive/proactive approach. You lay back and feed
off her signal and then you proceed from there.
If she brings up the relationship, you go with it. See what she ultimately wants
and where it will take you, but never ask for a second chance. This time she has to
earn a chance with you – keep this in mind. But if she’s just calling for nonsense,
“friend-like” chit-chat, let her know that you’re busy and politely end the
conversation. And if she insists you call her back because she has something
important to say – then tell her you will at some later point. Just make sure to
follow up on this promise. Do NOT deliberately blow her off. You’re trying to
make her understand that she’s no longer a priority in your life – not that you’re a
liar that doesn’t keep his word.
So, how long should this go on for? For as long as it has to. You keep doing this
until she breaks or until you get fed up and decide to move on with your life.
When it comes down to it though, you’ll know exactly what to do when this
scenario starts to take shape. Everything will (and should) become instinctual.
And one more thing… if she keeps calling you over and over but each time it’s
only to “chat” then you have to remind her that you need your space and that she
should respect this.
And don’t focus too much on details such as how much time has passed since you
last spoke or met. Every relationship is different and there are no set standards
and this is a good time to address another frequently asked question: “How long
should I wait between calls?” Again, like I just wrote above… it depends on your
particular situation. It may be a couple of days or a couple of weeks – sometimes
even a month or longer. There are no standards as far as this issue is concerned.
In the end, what you’re ultimately trying to accomplish here is to get her to
understand that you’ve now become “unavailable” to her. That is, you’ve been
there for her as a boyfriend and you might be there for her again (notice the
emphasis on the word might; this is very important and we’ll get to it later)… You
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might be there for her again but you’re certainly not going to give her the
benefits of a boyfriend while being a mere friend. And this is not done
verbally. It’s done through your calm and casual attitude towards the situation.
Now, what happens if you miss her call and she leaves a message? Or if she writes
you an email or sends you a text message? Again, you treat this situation in a
calm and casual manner: you return her calls a day or two later and you wait a
day or so before emailing or texting back.
What you’re trying to do is make her realize that she’s no longer a priority in your
life and she’ll just have to wait until you get around to her. It’s “harsh”, I know,
but you want this girl back, right?
One last thing… always return her calls or respond to her messages. The
only exception to this is if she calls and doesn’t leave a message. In this
particular case I would personally let her keep calling until she does leave a
message. Because if she has something that important to tell you then she should
definitely make sure you know what that is before you put in the effort to return
her call.
I almost forgot… here’s another important point worth mentioning: sometimes
life works in funny ways. For example, what if all this is happening while she’s
dating someone else. It’s a tough spot to be in, but make no mistake, you have
massive leverage here.
Why?
It’s simple. First of all, she broke up with you and has made your life a living hell.
Second of all, she’s added to this hell (and most likely to her already existing
guilt) by dating someone else, and third of all (this is the kicker) she wants to be
in contact with you on top of that.
If you’re in this dark situation, lighten up, because you can turn this around to
your advantage. You point out to her all of the above: that she broke up with you,
that she started dating someone else, and now she’s asking you to be her friend…
that’s BS and you let her know. Just make sure that you let her know in a way that
doesn’t show you’re overly affected by this (i.e. don’t portray yourself as a
“victim” because she won’t feel sorry for you) – remember to be cool and casual.
So, you let her know that you’re not going to stand for this. She’s ultimately going
to have to choose who she wants in her life and you’re not going to be there for
her if she decides to keep him as a boyfriend and you as a friend. And even if she
does decide to go with you… there are no guarantees that you’ll take her back.
The point you want to get across is that you will not be treated like this by her or
anyone else for that matter.
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Now, a final piece of advice I want to give you on this topic. If you and your
girl have a mutual friend (this includes relatives and family members
as well), do not ask them for information on the status of your
breakup. If you do this then you deserve everything you get.
Why?
First of all, everything you say to this friend will get back to your girl even if they
swear to secrecy. It doesn’t’ work out that way because he/she is also friends
with your significant other and is loyal to both of you – remember that. And you
don’t want your girl to know that you’re actively trying to dig up information on
her, especially if you’ve implemented NC.
Second of all, when there’s a third party involved in the communication, facts
tend to get skewed by the time they reach you. You’re basically interpreting
someone else’s interpretation of the situation who is directly involved in it. And
this someone might have a vested interest in seeing this thing swing one way or
another. So keep in mind, it’s hard enough to interpret things directly let alone
when you have to interpret an interpretation.
With that being said, this friend could give you some information (information
that might not even be true) that could destroy all of your progress in an instant.
I’m not going to go deeper into this topic. It’s enough to say that you don’t want
to be in this situation. I firmly believe, no matter how tempting it is to find out
the details, it’s better to “be in the dark”.
And this doesn’t mean that you have to cut this person out of your life altogether
(use your best judgment here). What it means is that you don’t bring up the
relationship with him/her and you don’t let them bring it up to you. And one
other question comes to mind as I write this. A reader recently asked me if it’s
alright to remain friends with her family after the breakup and during NC. And
the answer is yes. It’s fine to remain friends with them but during NC you should
do your best to keep your distance because they’re too close to your girlfriend.
You don’t have to actually call them and tell them this – just back off for some
time. If you’re polite about it, they’ll understand.
Now, before we move on, I’m going to spend a little time to answer that one
pressing question that most readers ask: “how long do I stick to NC?”, because
there’s also some information going around about a “30-day rule”.
To be honest with you, I completely disagree with this rule. I don’t mean to
offend those who preach it but I think it’s complete BS… there, I said it.
Let’s just forget for a second about everything that I’ve written thus far. That if
you’re asking this question you’re missing the point altogether and let’s focus on
this number: 30. How in the world can you possibly apply the same number to
every single relationship?
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That’s like saying every relationship is the same and you should treat each one as
such! It’s not only unrealistic… it’s downright dangerous because it instills false
hope. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be operating in the realms of
reality (no matter how harsh that reality may be) where I know exactly what I’m
faced with from the get go rather than from “the rules of a fantasy world” where
life will undoubtedly slap me hard across the face when I least expect it.
It’s madness and I’ve got the case studies to prove it – read them over and you’ll
see where I’m coming from. Look, all relationships share common traits and
there are a lot of strategies or approaches that apply to every single one of them.
And do you know why?
Because they’re based on human psychology. However, every relationship (no
matter how similar it is to another) has its own unique twist that requires a
unique approach… NC being one of them.
First of all, the longer you’ve been in a relationship with a girl the longer you can
afford to keep your distance without worrying about her feelings fading away.
That’s because the longer you’ve been together the stronger the bond you share
and the harder it is to break.
Next, all people are different. Some need longer than 30 days to come around
because of the underlying circumstances. Perhaps you cheated on her and she
needs time to build up her trust in you again. I have a girl “friend” that just
started to date her first high school boyfriend again… after 6 years! Now that’s
not to say you need to wait 6 years and I’m not implying that they didn’t keep in
contact during this entire time. I’m just trying to point out that you can’t put
down any “hard and fast” rules to such a complicated matter as this.
And one more thing, what I’ve just told you (about my friend and the 6 years)
should really instill hope in you that it takes a lot to ultimately kill your chances
of getting back together with a girl and that you never know when things will turn
around in your favor.
Getting back to the issue at hand, however, if you must have a number you’re
going to stick with… no matter how much I discourage it… then pick 30. Go
ahead and give yourself 30 days before you call her just to keep you sane
throughout this (remember, it’s going to be hard as hell to pull this off).
But know and understand that I do not recommend that you do this. I’m
just giving you an option you might be more comfortable with. Taking this
approach decreases your chances of getting her back. You’ve been warned!
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But now I’m going to help you out even further. I’m going to add a twist to the
“30 day rule”. So count up the days and mark the date on your calendar. If she
hasn’t gotten back to you by that day, don’t call her yet.
Make a note on your calendar to call her the next day at a specific time. Sit down
and think about all the progress you’ve made up to this point and if you really
want to go back to square one. And when the time comes to call her… I know
you’ll make the right decision (i.e. you won’t call her).
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Meeting After No Contact
Now we’re going to discuss the all important meeting after establishing NC but
before we get into all of the details I want to make a few things clear. First of all, if
you’ve done everything correctly up until this point go ahead and pat yourself on
the back. Because not only have you stopped being needy or desperate for her
attention, you’ve gotten her to a) contact you and b) set up a meeting with you.
Those are two very important first steps towards getting her back. And while it
might not seem this way to you at the moment – the power in this relationship
has shifted in a major way. She’s just put it back in your hands. What you do with
it is up to you. Because from this point on you’re either going to seal the deal and
end this breakup or mess things up and lose her altogether. So with this in mind,
let’s talk about what you must do so that your story has an ending that matches
the former situation rather than the latter.
First thing’s first: continue doing whatever has worked for you so far
and do not attempt to “re-invent the wheel”. What does this mean? It
means that you shouldn’t go changing your mindset, attitude, or approach from
this point on (unless the situation warrants it). If you’ve played your cards right
and you’ve gotten her to initiate contact and meet with you then continue with
this exact approach.
Do not suddenly change the way you act towards her and start giving her too
much attention just because she made a move towards you. Too many guys have
been burned at this stage because they let their guard down too soon – don’t be
one of them.
And under no circumstance should you start experimenting with theories that
others begin to impose on you. Now’s definitely not the time to stray off-track.
Because not only do you need to know what you want your final outcome to be
with this girl but also the exact path you’re going to take to get there. So again, if
this girl and this relationship are important to you… don’t mess around with
them.
So how should you approach this meeting? Just like you did the conversation (or
conversations). You go into it with a calm, casual, lighthearted mood. Just like if
you were meeting that coworker in the example I gave you above. Do not act
over-excited (even though you will be), do not act surprised, and for god’s sake do
not act depressed or play the role of the “victim”. If anything, she should be the
one that feels at a disadvantage at this point because she’s the one that reached
out to you.
But make no mistake about it… this is not about playing games and when I said
that she should feel that she lacks the advantage that’s not because you have
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treated her like crap up until this now; absolutely not. I don’t encourage being
mean or malicious because there’s a thing called karma and it always catches up
with you.
And one last thing about entering this meeting… it goes without saying that you
should look your best. Don’t get there looking like a train-wreck because you’ve
been through hell over the past few days or weeks since you broke up. She’s not
going to show pity and even if she does, it’s not going to help you in the least. You
want to look like you just got back from the best vacation of your life – relaxed
and refreshed.
Now let’s discuss some more details that come to mind because I know how much
you’re interested in details and I can already hear the question popping up in
your head: “How should I greet her? A hug? A kiss? A simple hello?”
And the answer is: that depends. It depends entirely on how she enters the
meeting. You mirror her 100%. If she comes in for a hug – you hug her. If she
comes in for a kiss on the cheek – then stick out your pretty face and let her plant
it on you ☺
In other words, just like I wrote about the conversation after NC and how you
should let her set the pace, this is what applies here as well. The only thing I
would advice you NOT to mirror her on are statements such as: “I
missed you”. Don’t fall into the hidden trap of this statement. And while it will
most definitely cause you a great deal of excitement to hear this… don’t make the
fatal mistake of breaking down and going from a cool and casual guy to an eager
puppy that’s waiting to be tossed a bone.
If she tells you she missed you, pause for a second while looking her straight in
the eye, put on a genuine smile and say, “yes”. Nothing else. And if she takes
offense to this (highly unlikely) then inform her in a polite manner that she didn’t
ask you to meet her so that you can tell her to what degree you’ve missed her... In
other words, just brush her comment off and get on with your meeting.
Next, what should you talk about? Again, just like in the conversation you had
while setting up this meeting, it’s not your responsibility to set the pace of the
conversation, nor its topic. She asked to meet you, remember? So whatever she
decides to talk about – go with it.
Now here’s another question that might have crossed your mind at this point: “If
she asks me if I’m dating someone else… what should I tell her?” And
the answer to that is: it depends. It depends on whether or not you should be
dating in the first place and I’ve covered in the General FAQ #10. If your situation
is one that you have all the right to date then by all means tell her… don’t lie.
Next, what should you expect from this meeting and how long should it last? To
answer the second question: as long as it has to. What does this mean? It means
that if the meeting is getting you nowhere and she’s just making small talk at
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some point (~1 hour later) tell her that it was great seeing her but you have
somewhere you need to be. Then say your goodbyes and get on with your day.
And if she asks you to meet again, tell her you’ll call her (more on this later).
Now as to what you should expect… in short: nothing. If you go into that meeting
without any expectations you can’t be let down. And this is important because if
you’re expecting something you’ll be much too eager to maintain your
composure. And as I wrote above, if the meeting is nothing to write home about
then you end it after an hour or so… Now if she starts getting into relationship
talks (by the way – it goes without saying that you shouldn’t bring up the
relationship or breakup unless she does) then go with it – draw out the meeting
as long as you need to.
Whatever the case may be, understand that depending on your situation (and
many other factors I won’t get into here) you could need more than one meeting,
sometimes many more, to make the transition from breakup to makeup. But it
doesn’t matter. As long as you’re making progress, no matter how slow or small,
you’re headed in the right direction. And by progress I mean that she’s
continuously taking steps towards you and the relationship as a whole.
Now before I go on to discuss a very important twist that you’ll need to employ
during this meeting (and every meeting from this day forward) I want to make
one thing very clear. What I wrote about above will not be applicable to every
single situation. For example, if you’ve just broken up from a long distance
relationship, it’s obvious that you’re not going to get up and leave after talking for
an hour. However, what is applicable to every single situation is your mindset
and attitude towards this whole thing.
OK, so here’s that crucial twist that I just mentioned and it ties in directly to that
statement I made in the previous section: don’t give her the impression
that you will take her back if she asks you to… but give her the
impression that you might take her back if she asks you to. What does
this mean? Pay attention here because there’s a HUGE difference between the
two and it’s very important to getting what you want.
Here’s what this is all about…
If she senses in any way, shape, or form that you’re eagerly waiting for her to
suggest a reunion then you’ve lost your advantage. Why? Because when she broke
up with you she put you in a position of leverage. She put you there because,
unless you did something horrible to her (e.g. cheated), she rejected you.
Therefore it goes without saying that you have every right to decide whether or
not you want to forgive that rejection and take her back… not the other way
around! And when you reveal your cards to her (no matter how subtle you are in
doing so) you instantly lose this leverage. Because it becomes readily apparent to
her that this cool and casual attitude is nothing more than a front. As a side note,
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do you now understand why the first section of this book is so important? You
should because all of this can’t be faked. If you don’t feel it down to your bones
you’ll never convey it to her... she’ll call your bluff and then it’s GAME OVER.
Getting back to the point, here’s how to add a twist to all of this: don’t just be
cool, casual, and confident… be OVERCONFIDENT. This is a technique
that dating Guru David DeAngelo has coined “cocky funny” (if I’m not mistaken)
but it’s just a fancy term to describe overconfidence. It’s a state of mind that you
express through all your words and actions which gives off the impression that
you’re a valuable, sought-after guy and that you’re not going to try to impress her
because she should feel privileged that you’re giving her the time of day.
Now I’ll be honest with you… I haven’t read any of his books (although I rightfully
should at some point) so I might be clearly mistaken that “cocky funny” and what
I’m about to describe to you are one and the same. Regardless, this is my
interpretation of it and even if they’re two different things it doesn’t really matter.
What matters is that you understand the technique I’m about to describe and that
you ultimately learn how to use it.
Here’s how it works: Instead of showering a girl with compliments (like 99% of
guys do) that bring up her defenses, you start to tease her and make her laugh.
You can tease her about anything you want (just use your common sense on this
and always make sure your jokes are in good taste – don’t go calling her fat, for
example!) The beauty of this technique is that instead of raising her defenses
towards you… the girl let’s her guard down – especially if you’re making her
laugh and slightly pushing the limits of her comfort. And from that moment on –
you’re in.
Why? Because you’re not being like every other guy out there who’s hitting on her
and trying to get into her pants. You’re taking the complete opposite approach by
conveying the unspoken fact that you’re not going to fight for her… and if she
wants to be with you… then you just might give her that chance – but there are no
guarantees ;) Do you see why this is so effective? Because by being different you
get her to lay down her defenses. Then getting what you want is a piece of cake.
Because it doesn’t matter if the girl initially liked you. If you approach her the
same way every other guy does, you’ll fight hard to break down her natural
resistance towards you. So why not be smart about this and take the short-cut?
Well, you can take this technique and apply it to your particular situation. It
doesn’t matter that you’ve dated this girl before and she’s broken up with you,
and perhaps seen you at your worst (e.g. begging and pleading for her to come
back).
For example, let’s say that you’ve been meeting up more frequently recently but
she’s not coming around to being anything more than friendly to you… and then
at one point she says or does something and your instincts tell you to kiss her.
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But when you attempt to kiss her and she rejects you – instead of getting hurt
and turning the situation into an awkward one, or even worse, a “heavy” one, you
laugh the incident off and you say something along the lines of, “you’re absolutely
right; we shouldn’t be doing this… especially since I’m spoken for at the
moment…” Spoken for? Yes – make something up here and make it good – and
above all make her laugh as well.
However, keep in mind that you can’t apply this technique from one moment to
the next if, for example, 5 days ago you were crying to her in a phone
conversation. You have to bring it about gradually. How gradually? Again, that
depends and you have to use your best judgment. If this meeting is full of
laughter and both of you are in high spirits then start using it. But if there’s a
serious tone in the air – wait until you guys are on lighter terms to start applying
this.
Now before we move on I want to tell you about two very important situations
where you should NOT by using the above technique: if you’re on bad terms and
if she’s dating someone else. Concerning the former, I’ve discussed it above. And
what I mean by bad terms is that she’s mad at you or there is heavy resistance. So
there’s no place for those good times and laughter I just described. It’s very
possible that in this case NC may not be your initial approach (as you’ll see
below) but I’m throwing this exception out nonetheless.
Concerning the latter… if she’s dating someone else then there really is no place
for funny teasing – at least not an extensive level. She can’t have her cake and eat
it too… and here’s what I mean by that. You shouldn’t let her come to you for her
laughs but go back to the other guy for everything else.
And I’m not implying that you change your entire approach if she’s making more
and more steps towards getting back together with you when she’s dating
someone else. By all means, show her what a great guy you are and how fun you
are to be with. Because above all (and as I’ll describe in a later section) she’s
going to be making a comparison between you and him. But don’t stretch out
these meetings to the point where she feels that she has ample time to decide
whether or not she should stick with the new guy or get back together with you.
Again, we’re going to cover this in more detail later.
Alright, I think we’ve gone over the first meeting in enough detail for you to have
a working strategy that you can take and adapt to your own particular situation.
Now I want to talk about subsequent meetings.
OK… the second meeting (and every one after that) following NC…
How should you do you go into it? How long should it last and what should you
expect? Alright, just like in the first meeting you go in with a cool and casual
approach, and if appropriate, start being overconfident (or continue if you were
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already during your first meeting). As to its length and your expectations… again
it depends. There are no set rules.
The only thing that you should be aware of is the progress you’re making. That is,
the progress towards getting back into the relationship. And how will you know if
you’re making progress every step of the way? Well, she’ll be calling you more
often, setting up meetings more frequently, and will start becoming more
“physical” with you. And as far as the latter is concerned I’m not talking about sex
(although that would be great)… what I mean is that she’ll start giving you more
physical signs of interests like when you started dating initially (i.e. touching your
hand, holding your hand, etc. etc.)
Now here’s a very important question that’s bound to have crossed your mind,
“How should I respond to her increasing show of attention towards
me?” The answer: you give in to her but you do so gradually. What do I
mean by this? Just like I wrote above when I mentioned the “I miss you”
comment – don’t drastically change your attitude towards her as soon as she
starts getting closer to you. This will most likely turn her off and you’ll ruin all the
progress you’ve made so far.
And while it’s impossible for me to describe this in words, I’ll do my best. What
you want to do is take 2 steps forward and 1 step back (it’s a slight variation of
Paula Abdul’s now long forgotten hit song… remember that one?). Here’s what
this means: you give in to her somewhat but when you start reaching that
threshold where you’re giving too much – you back off.
How would I define this threshold? I wouldn’t because it’s impossible for me to
come up with the right words so you’ll understand it simply from reading it. It’s
something you’re going to having to figure out for yourself while “in the field”.
Nevertheless, I’ll do my best to point you in the right direction with a specific
example.
Let’s say you’ve noticed some progress being made in the past two weeks and you
even let her kiss you (I’m talking tongue here) the last time you met. And you’re
now lying alone in bed thinking about her non-stop. It’s 1 AM and an
overwhelming urge comes over you to call her and tell her what a great time you
had and how much you wish she was there with you… that’s exactly that
threshold I was talking about.
In this case you DO NOT call her in the middle of the night to tell her this. Forget
for a moment that this girl is someone you might know for years and on an
intimate level that no one else has… treat this situation as if you were just starting
to date and you’re getting to know each other once again. You wouldn’t go full
force and do something like this… would you? (I’m hoping you answered “no” to
that).
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And one last thing about the “threshold”… if you happen to mess up and cross it,
just like in the hypothetical example above about her rejecting your kiss – you act
accordingly (i.e. you laugh it off and make some “smart” comment to diffuse the
situation).
OK, that basically covers it for subsequent meetings after initially going into NC.
The last thing I want to say about this before we move on is that every situation is
unique, and yours might not proceed in the exact fashion I described above. It’s
beyond my power to list every possible scenario that could play out and it was
never my intention. The only thing I want you to learn from this is the general
strategy (attitude, mindset, and all) you need to employ so that you can take it
and adapt it to your particular case… that’s all.
With that being said, I want to get into the types of meetings you should be
having when NC isn’t the recommended starting approach of choice for you (but
first we’re going to cover some FAQ’s). And if it isn’t, then feel free to skip ahead
for now until you understand how you should begin your overall strategy. I’ll
have you refer back to this section at a later time.
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The ‘No Contact’ FAQs
At this point I just wanted to take the time and answer any other questions about
this strategy that you might have and I haven’t covered so far. These are actual
questions coming from real readers. I didn’t make them up in my head. And since
relationships (and breakups) share many similarities it’s very likely that some (or
most) apply to your situation. Here they are:
1. Is NC the right thing to do? Won’t this push her further away? And
how to handle doubts?
This question gets asked a lot and it’s understandable because it takes a big leap
of faith to put something like this into place. Now unless your particular situation
does not fit into any of the scenarios I’m going to describe below then yes, strict
NC is the right thing to do. Do not try to make excuses to yourself as to why you
can’t or shouldn’t do this.
However, even with that being said you may still have some doubts. And although
I’ve already explained to you why it’s the right thing to do and why it won’t push
her further away I’m going to explain it again in a different way so that you truly
understand it.
Just take a second to think about what your options are:
1. You can try to persuade her to come back
2. You can accept the relationship is over for now but remain friends with her
in hopes of making amends down the road
3. You can implement NC with an “open door policy” for fear of pushing her
further away
4. You can implement strict NC
OK, if you’ve tried the first option (which most likely you have) and it’s not
working, what makes you think it will work down the road? I don’t remember
who said this but it couldn’t be truer than in this case:
DOING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER
AGAIN BUT EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS
IS THE CORNERSTONE OF INSANITY
And those weren’t his exact words but you get my point nonetheless.
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Now as to your second option: to stay friends. Well we’ve already been over that
in full detail about why that can’t work. Yes every situation is different but that
doesn’t change the fact that women aren’t. When it comes to this issue they all
think the same.
The third option… leaving an “open door policy” in your NC statement. And if you
don’t understand what I’m talking about here, it’s telling your girl to give you
space but at the same time that you’ll be there for her if she needs you. Again, as I
told you before those two statements contradict each other and you’re sending
the wrong message to her: that you’re playing games – not recommended.
Which leaves us with the fourth and final option: strict NC. It’s the only logical
choice. How to handle doubts? Well if you’ve been paying attention up until now
then this question shouldn’t even enter your thoughts but just as an added
reassurance, consider your other options and you’ll soon realize that this is your
best shot at getting what you want.
One more thing I want to mention… Not too long ago a reader asked me if putting
NC into play will cause a girl to start dating one of her friends. He was worried
that if he wasn’t around that she would jump on the next guy because he was
wrongly informed that “girls never like to be alone”.
So I’ll address this here. First off, no one likes to be alone – not just girls. Now be
that as it may, you can’t take every girl and put her into the same category on this
issue. Some want to be alone after a breakup… and some truly can’t handle it.
And if she happens to be in the latter group, there’s nothing you can do about it.
Look, if she wants to date someone, she will – constantly being around her and
begging her back will not change a thing about this except push her further away
from you and into some other guy’s arms. But this won’t be one of her “friends”.
If she’s already put this guy in the friends category a while back (the same
category I’m forcing you to avoid) it’s highly unlikely that she’ll start dating him.
Now, if this happens to be a friend that she’s always had feelings for, or a “new
friend”… that’s a different matter altogether. In this case, if she has her mind on
dating someone, it’s very likely that she’ll date him. But again there’s nothing you
can do to stop this. The only logical choice here is to stay out of her way and not
make thing worse for yourself (to be discussed below).
2. How to get your ex to contact you?
In short, by not contacting her. I know how ridiculous this may sound but this is
exactly how you do it. You keep her at a distance until she gets to the point where
she just has to talk to you.
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However, if you’ve been broken up with this girl for an extended period of time
then you have to break the silence and give her a call yourself. I’ve written more
about this in another section.
3. What if I made plans to meet with her before reading this and now
want to go into NC?
You keep your plans with her. Don’t just blow her off. However, once that date is
over you back off and if she ends up calling you, then you proceed as described
above and inform her that you’re not going to be contacting her and that she
should do the same.
4. What should I do if I’ve been going back and forth between NC?
This is a very bad situation to be in. Why? Because you’re not doing something
right if you’re going into and out of contact. NC should be implemented once, two
times at most (everyone makes mistakes and I don’t expect perfect execution
from you at this point – that’s why I said two times at “most”).
Here’s the thing: getting your girlfriend back by putting this strategy into place is
(in most cases) a fairly simple matter. It’s keeping her that’s the challenge.
That’s why I had you go over your relationship on a stage by stage basis so that
you can pinpoint any and all problems that you might be having. Using NC gets
your foot in the door. From that point on you need to take the necessary
measures to correct the original problem or you’ll draw out the Salad Stage long
enough until it kills the relationship completely.
And one more thing... I can’t stress how important the last paragraph is. That’s
why I’ve dedicated a full section in this book that talks about keeping your
relationship together once you’ve gotten over the obstacles and have her back.
Make no mistake about it: the more times you put NC into place the less effective
it becomes. Think about it… do you think the statement, “please don’t contact me
because I need to get my head straight” will have as much of an impact if she’s
hearing it for a second or even third time?
If this is round 2 for you guys, she knows exactly what she needs to do to get you
to end your NC policy and that’s why you want to get it right the first time.
Because the second time, she’ll call your “bluff” and then you might get to the
point where you’re desperate to be with her all over again. You don’t want to go
there. Get her back and keep her.
5. Is it ever too late to implement NC? What if I messed up already and
begged?
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No, absolutely not. However, make sure that you thoroughly read over this entire
course once again to make sure it applies to your particular situation. The case
studies included with this package will also give you added insight into whether
or not this particular strategy is right for you.
And if you’ve already “messed up” and begged her to come back, that’s just one
more reason to put NC into place right now (provided that it’s applicable to your
situation).
6. What If I told her that I wanted to be “friends” before reading this
book?
If you’ve already told her that you want to remain friends then you need to cut off
contact like I wrote about before but you need to do it in a more gradual fashion.
Let’s say that for the sake of argument you’ve been hanging out with your girl
almost every day since your breakup; and things are great between you, however,
she always resists your attempts to get back together. What do you do?
It’s simple, you start meeting her less and less. You start to break off some
engagements by letting her know that you’re busy and you wait a while longer
until you return her calls, emails, and text messages. What you’re trying to do is
show her that you need her less and less in your life, but you’re not doing it all at
once.
This is important because you’re the one who told her that you want to be friends.
If you just cut off all contact she’ll think you’re playing games with her. Like I said
before, this isn’t about playing games.
So you keep at this and start distancing yourself more and more as time goes by.
How much time? Well in this example I think that after 10 days to 2 weeks of this
gradual distancing she’ll most likely call you up on it.
She’ll ask you if there’s some kind of problem. That’s when you tell her that you
need your space and go into NC. And if you’ve been making that distance greater
and greater and she hasn’t said anything to you yet, then at one point when you
feel that you’ve reduced contact to about 30% of what it used to be… you fall of
the face of the earth and wait for her call.
7. Should I send her a gift or a card after a couple of weeks of NC?
In one word: “NO”. This is the same thing as leaving an open door policy. It sends
a contradicting message and she’ll think you’re playing games with her. Read
over question #1 and also what I’ve written about this in the NC step-by-step
guide.
Now what if it’s her birthday or a holiday is around the corner (e.g. Christmas)?
In situations like this, you have to use your best judgment. If things are fine
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between the two of you, there’s no harm in sending her a card for her Birthday or
for a holiday – but that’s it… don’t call or write her emails.
However, if you’ve been pushing her to come back over the last month and she’s
angry at you and told you not to contact her anymore – or if there’s any “turmoil”
between you at all, I would hold off on the card. But again, use your best
judgment here. As long as you’re not leaving an open door policy like I’ve written
above this issue is not that important.
8. What if she put no contact into place first?
Then you respect her decision and you wait it out until she does call you. Now I
know what the next question to this is going to be so I’ve already gone ahead and
answered it below.
9. I honestly believe she’ll never contact me again; she’s much too
stubborn… what should I do about this?
First of all this thought shouldn’t even be crossing your mind... at all. I don’t care
how “strong”, “stubborn”, or “independent” you believe your girl to be. If you’re
not confident about what you’re about to do then you won’t have the nerve to see
it through till the end. You’ll break at some point making it that much harder for
you to get what you want.
Here’s something you should always keep in mind:
The Biggest Difference Between Winners And Losers Is
That Losers Concentrate On The Consequences Of Failure
While Winners Concentrate On The Rewards Of Success
So start concentrating on those rewards. Because if you set yourself up to fail
from the start – then most likely you will.
Remember, the reason why this strategy is effective is because of your mindset.
NC is just a tactic… nothing more. And in order for you to apply the strategy and
not just the tactic you have to have it in your mind that you’re willing to win her
back or completely let her go; and that you’ll settle for nothing in between. Only
then can you focus on what truly matters – getting yourself back into shape so
that when she does contact you (and she will) you’ll be ready for her 100%.
With that being said, at some point (I’m talking 2-3 months here… not days) you
may come to the conclusion that she really won’t contact you ever again. From
here on in you have to sit down and make a decision, and that is, do you still want
this girl? Because if you hadn’t had any contact with her yet, it’s safe to assume
that enough time has gone by to think clearer about your situation.
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How to proceed?
Well before doing anything you need to be able to answer the following
questions:
1. Do I still want this particular girl or am I just lonely
2. Is my desire to be with this girl coming out of rejection?
I can’t stress how important it is that you really take the time to answer those
questions and be honest with yourself when you’re doing so.
Look, what it comes down to is this: your ultimate goal is happiness; not to be
happy because of one particular person in your life. So if you can rule out the fact
that:
1. You’re not looking to be with someone simply to take the pain away
(regardless of who that person might be)
2. You’re not acting out of rejection (this one you’ll be able to answer if you
look at the graphs on page 30… did you lose interest in her first? Was this
the reason she ultimately broke up with you? Think about it)
Then the next step would be to give her a call to see how’s she’s doing or “feel her
out” so to speak. Use the same approach (calm and casual) as if she was calling
you. Ask her how’s she’s been and what she’s been up to. But again, don’t get into
heavy topics and don’t bring up the relationship unless she does.
After chatting with her for some time you will know if you have any chances of
this going further or not. If the conversation goes well, drop the old, “let’s get
together this weekend” or something along those lines. But don’t ask her if she
wants to get together – just let her know that you should. There’s a big difference
between the two. The former puts you in control while the latter puts her in
control.
And if she tells you, “I don’t know”, or “I can’t”, or “It’s not a good idea” – just tell
her that she’s making this decision/matter bigger than it really is and you just
want to see how she’s doing – that’s all. What you’re trying to do is take all the
pressure away from this meeting and not make it look like a date or anything too
official that she might otherwise object to.
Now, if the conversation doesn’t go well… don’t stress about it too much. If you’ve
followed along with the advice I’ve given you, then you’ve done your absolute best
to make things work out. Unfortunately, not all relationships can be salvaged. It’s
the harsh reality of life. Sometimes you’re forced to cut your losses. And I
honestly think you can live with that.
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However, there’s one thing that you shouldn’t live with, not just concerning
relationships, but with every aspect of your life… and that’s regret. You don’t
want to get yourself in a situation where you’re looking back to this one day and
you’re wondering what would have happened if you had chosen a different path.
And with that being said, I’m going to let you in a little secret. Even if you call her
and you don’t get positive vibes… all hope is still not lost. And I say this from
experience. I got together again with my first love (one of my high school
girlfriends) more than a year after she broke up with me. A full year plus of dating
other people, not talking, and everything else in between.
Now enough has happened to me in life where I’ve come to adopt this particular
motto: “things tend to happen when you least expect them…” And that’s why I
stress to my readers that when they go into NC that they shouldn’t be afraid of
the consequences or second-guess themselves (however impossible this may be).
Because just when you’ve given up all hope and have moved on that’s when
things take a turn for the better. It’s happened to me on countless occasions and
I’ve come to expect it, especially in times like these. So much so that I wrote a
special report about it and included it with this package. It’s titled, “Cashback…
Finding Hope In A ‘Hollywood’ Film”, and it’s something you should go over
once you’re finished with this book.
And one last thing… I’m not telling you to be unrealistic and never give up on this
girl. And only you can decide if and when you should. But there are no set
standards on this and no one can say if a relationship has reached the point of no
return. Only you can decide that and as always, you’ll have to use your best
judgment. And if you do decide to keep pursuing her and the initial conversation
after a month or two of NC didn’t go well… back off once more and take approach
#5 (RC).
10. If we have an active MySpace profile (or at any other social
networking site) should I alter it after I implement NC?
Absolutely not! You should leave things exactly as they are. You’re too busy
getting on with your life to go make changes to your online profiles, right? And if
that’s not the case, then make it the case.
Now you might be asking yourself, “Won’t that send the wrong message to her?
Won’t she think I’m playing games with her since I told her I didn’t want her to
contact me?” The answer is… so what? You didn’t tell her not to contact you and
that you’re going to be changing your online profile; you just told her not to
contact you. If she decides to take it the wrong way it shouldn’t concern you in
the least.
Now since we’re on the topic of social networking sites I want to take the time to
mention two more things:
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1. DO NOT VISIT HER PROFILE (like the mutual friends example
above, if you violate this rule you deserve everything you get)
2. If you slip up and do visit her profile, don’t buy into any games she might
be playing with you
Concerning the first point, if everything I’ve written about so far has struck a
chord with you in any way, then you must realize that visiting her profile is
completely out of the question and goes against everything you’re trying to
accomplish. In a sense it’s like driving by her house every 5 minutes (i.e. stalking
her).
But again, no one is perfect. I’m definitely not and I don’t expect you to be either.
That means that it’s very possible that you’ll slip up with this at one point or
another. And if that slip up happens to be visiting her profile, and you happen to
see some other guy high up there on her friends list and at the same time you’ve
been “demoted” do not buy into this game!
She’s trying to get a reaction out of you. That means that it becomes an issue of
who’s going to “snap” first. When you told her that you’re cutting off all contact
it’s quite possible she took this on as a challenge (i.e. who can hold out longer)
and took on a spiteful attitude. This is just one of the ways she’s trying to make
you break.
If this is truly that case then it’s a good thing. If she’s going through all the
trouble to get a reaction out of you that means she still cares. That’s exactly what
you want. Now you just have to be the stronger of the two and show her that you
don’t (figuratively speaking). If you can hold out long enough, that spite will
quickly disappear and you’ll start to gain control of the situation.
11. How should I act if I bump into her while I’m in NC?
Before I proceed to address this question I want to make one thing clear: you
should never purposefully bump into her while you’re in NC. Don’t try and come
up with a reason to be in the same place as she is in hopes of talking with her and
getting her back. This won’t work – not this way. And like I’ve said before, it
defeats the purpose of everything you’re trying to achieve.
Here’s my advice, you should try your best not to bump into her during this time
but don’t go changing your life around to adhere to this. For example, I’m not
telling you to quit your job if you work together just so you wouldn’t bump into
her. Again, like with the many other circumstances, you’ll have to use your best
judgment here.
Now it’s understandable that sometimes, bumping into her is inevitable. So this is
what you do: you maintain a cool and confident attitude while you’re around her.
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Don’t just ignore her. If you happen to spot her before she spots you, then walk
up to her and talk to her (described below). Don’t try to “hide” until she sees you.
And if she’s with some other guy and it throws you into a state of shock then do
your best to hide it. It’s of paramount importance that she doesn’t see how much
something like this is affecting you.
Remember what I wrote about how you should go into your initial conversation
together? Well that’s how I want you to be here. Not overly excited yet not cold…
indifferent but polite. What should you say to her? Nothing special – a simple
“hello, how are you?” is enough (especially if she’s with someone else).
If she doesn’t open up a more meaningful conversation after a few minutes (i.e.
it’s just chit chat and it doesn’t look like it’s going to escalate to anything else)
then end the conversation by politely telling her you need to go and then get on
with whatever it is you had intended to do.
For example, if this encounter happens to go down in someplace like a restaurant
or a bar – then go sit down, have your meal or drink (without looking back at her
to see if she’s glancing over at you) and carry on with your night. If it’s on the
street or in a park, say your goodbyes and keep walking.
In other words, you should carry on with what it is that you’re doing and without
changing your “plans” or running away just because she happens to be there
(especially if she’s with some other guy). You want to seem somewhat unaffected
by her presence… just don’t be cold towards her.
12. How to maintain “sanity” during NC and avoid breaking down and
calling her?
This, my friend, is not an easy task. It takes a great deal of strength, willpower,
and faith on your part to see it through. And out of those three things, faith is the
most important. If you’re going into this “half-heartedly” then you’re wasting
your time… you’re going to crack at some point and reach out to her – and like I
said before, it’s a big mistake because she’ll think you’re playing games and it will
backfire.
So, for starters, read and re-read NC FAQ #9 and make sure you see eye to eye
with me on this. Because if you don’t there’s no point in going any further with
this course. However, if you’ve made up your mind that you’re willing to stick to
your guns and see through this till the end – then here’s a little exercise to help
you through this.
I want you to copy out the following page in your own handwriting:
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Her Positive Qualities
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Her Negative Qualities
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Now after you’re done copying this table I want you to list this girl’s positive and
negative qualities side by side. Use the back of the page if you run out of space
and above all… be completely honest with this list. And once you’re finished, fold
the piece of paper and stick it in your wallet or keep it somewhere where you can
easily refer to it at any time (i.e. when you feel like you’re about to break).
So why am I having you do this and why is it so important? Because it’s crucial
that you establish and maintain a mindset based on reality… not fantasy. And
this is of such paramount importance because if you live in a fantasy world and
put this girl on a pedestal you don’t stand a chance of winning her back.
And I understand that you love her and that she’s a great girl (or else you
wouldn’t be reading this) but make no mistake about it: she has flaws just like
you, me, and everyone else. And in times where your emotions are grossly
overpowering your ability to maintain logical thoughts and you feel an
overwhelming urge to call her, drive by her house, or any other form of erratic
behavior… concentrating on those flaws will assist you in taming those emotions
so you make the right choice and not call her, or drive by her house, or anything
of the sort.
That’s one way to go about this and I advise you to not skip this exercise no
matter how simple or inconsequential it may seem because it’s powerful. Just by
taking the time to sit down and create that list will add one more layer of
commitment to your strategy of getting her back.
Now another way to maintain your sanity during NC is to massively “ramp up”
your confidence building routines. And what I’m about to suggest might cause
you a great deal of discomfort; I want you to go ahead with it regardless. Here’s
what I want you to do: start going out on a regular basis (to your local park or
shopping center, for example) to places where great-looking women congregate
and start striking up conversations with them.
Now I’m not telling you to hit on them or ask for their phone numbers (unless
you want to that is). All I want you to do is talk to some strikingly good looking
members of the opposite sex. Don’t know what to say or feeling a little tonguetied? That’s OK. Just walk up to a girl and comment on her shoes or your
surroundings, the weather… whatever. It doesn’t really matter what you say as
long as you’re making innocent small talk and you have a big smile on throughout
this.
And if you think that you’re not the type of person who can do such a thing… then
think again. As long as you know deep down inside that you’re not actively trying
to get personal with this girl you’ll do just fine. You won’t be nervous and you
won’t find yourself with a shortage of topics to discuss.
And that’s because your otherwise “hidden agenda” (i.e. to get with her) that
you’d have if this was a “pick-up” situation won’t be clouding your thoughts and
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restricting your natural ability to engage in meaningless conversation with
another human being. Because all you’re doing here is trying to build up your
confidence and stick to NC – not attract and seduce other women.
So why is this exercise so important? Because after several of these “encounters”
you’ll not only get some sort of “validation” from members the opposite sex (great
looking ones at that) which will do wonders in boosting your confidence… you’ll
also start to see how many more fish there are in the sea and that your particular
one shouldn’t control your everyday thoughts.
Now combine that with the list I had you create above; the list that turns your ex
from a goddess in your thoughts to a regular (albeit great) human being; and you
know what you have? The essential “tools” to establish and maintain a realitybased mindset. A mindset that’s free and clear of need. That way you can stick to
NC and approach your ex with feelings of desire and not desperation when the
time comes for you to do so.
13. What should I do if after several meetings with my ex we’re getting
nowhere (i.e. she’s only interested in friendship)
If this happens to be your situation then you’re doing something very wrong.
Because if you’ve done everything correctly up until this point, that is, she’s the
one that’s reaching out to you all this time but all she wants to do is remain
friends
then
you
haven’t
appropriately
demonstrated
enough
confidence/overconfidence to her.
However, this might not be entirely the case. It’s also possible that she’s just not
willing to take this further with you. If this is your situation then you have a
decision to make. You should either a) ramp up your efforts to make her want you
as more than a friend (just as described in the ‘Meeting After NC’ section) or b) go
into NC once again and when she calls you up on it – tell her that you just don’t
feel that it’s right for you to be friends.
Now two things to consider about the above… If you choose to go with option A
then realize that time is NOT on your side. The longer you remain friends with
her, the higher the likelihood that you’ll become a lifelong friend… so keep this in
mind and make haste.
And if you’re wondering what’s the time frame in which she should start wanting
to get back into a relationship with you, the answer is: it depends entirely on your
particular situation. It could be a few weeks or a few months – no one can
possibly predict this with any degree of certainty.
Now, if you choose to go with option B you should be aware of the fact that she
could be very angry with you. She might even tell you that you’re playing games
with her and that she’s never going to contact you again. It’s not a good spot to be
in but sometimes desperate situations call for desperate measures. If you truly
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believe that you’ve done everything in your power to get her back and that your
meetings are getting you nowhere – it’s your only logical option – no matter what
consequences it brings about. In other words, it’s your last ditch effort. Go back
into NC and start from square one again.
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Approach #2: ‘Limited Contact’ (LC)
When NC is physically impossible to put into play, Limited Contact is the next
best approach. Now what does “physically impossible” mean? I’m not talking
about your strength or willpower to break contact with your ex. I’m talking about
situations where you have to talk to this girl on a regular basis (e.g. you work
together).
Now before I give you a more comprehensive list of who should use this as part of
their overall strategy I want to make a very important point. And it’s a point I’ve
been making throughout this entire text: do not attempt to make up reasons
as to why you should stay in contact with your ex. I know how hard it is to
be away from her and how good it feels to be around her. However, the latter
works against you if it’s at all possible to avoid… So, you’ve been warned!
Now let’s get into more details…
When should you use Limited Contact as part of your overall strategy?
•
If you live together
•
If you work together
•
If you have children together
•
If you go to school together/you are in the same class together
•
If you take part in some activity on a regular basis (e.g. sports)
•
If you “owe” her (described in more detail below)
•
If you “share” something that requires you to see your ex on a regular basis
(e.g. you have a pet together)
Now I could keep listing examples here to fill several more pages but I’m sure you
get the point. If you are still not certain if this approach is for you then use your
best judgment. But whatever your situation may be… do not make up excuses to
yourself in order to stay in contact with your ex. This will backfire and goes
against everything I’ve written here.
When should you avoid using Limited Contact as part of your overall
strategy?
•
Any time you should be using NC (i.e. it’s well within your power to NOT
see each other on a regular basis)
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Now before I move on to describe the above points in more detail I want to take a
moment and point out the major difference between NC and LC. And that
difference is that you absolutely must be in some form of contact (e.g. due to
work – it’s beyond your control). Everything else about these two approaches is
the same: you’re still building your confidence and you’re still making yourself
“unavailable” to her in order to win her back – but you’re seeing her on a regular
basis (against your will)… that’s all.
Limited Contact is basically a “watered down” version of NC. Does this mean that
it’s less effective? At times yes, but not if you play your cards right. The important
thing to remember (and like I wrote before) when using NC, LC, or any other
tactic is that it’s the strategy behind it that makes it powerful. Because without
that strategy, it’s just a useless tactic.
Now let’s get into some more details about each particular situation listed
above…
If you live with this girl obviously NC is out of the question, however,
everything it stands for still applies. What do I mean by this? That you still have
to show her you don’t need her and you still have to get your confidence back up.
For one, if you’ve been acting desperate or needy… stop right now.
And while you may think that you have an advantage over other guys if you’re in
this particular situation because you get to see her and talk to her on a daily basis
while they don’t… think again. Being in constant contact with this girl can
actually be a disadvantage.
Why?
Because now (since you’re broken up) you no longer have the right to ask her
where she’s going, who she’s going with, and when she’s coming back. And not
only do you not have the right to ask her these questions but doing so will make
your situation worse. She will resent you for this and it will push her further
away.
But naturally, these questions will pop up in your mind and your thoughts will
always include the worst case scenarios. If she goes out on a Friday evening and
doesn’t come home that night, that’s sure to drive you insane and it can lead to
some nasty fights, which again, make your situation worse. These are the reasons
why you’re at a disadvantage.
So how to proceed in this situation? First thing’s first, and like I said before, is to
get yourself together again. Try to be as casual around her as you can be while
you start getting on with your life. If she seems like she’s doing fine and even
going on a couple of dates… mirror her.
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The same rules that apply to you apply to her. She’s also lost the right to ask you
where you’re going, and she’s also lost the right to ask you who with, and she’s
also lost the right to ask you when you’re coming back. And if she does, you
remind her of this.
You should even go on a few dates yourself (no matter how against this you are).
If she sees that you’re handling this breakup well, or even a little too well, what
do you think is going to happen? I’ll tell you what… she’ll get jealous. And
jealousy goes a long way in building up desire.
Just like you would feel jealous if she was out on the town with a hot date so
would she… even though she broke it off with you in the first place. The last thing
you want to do is sit around the house waiting for her to come back. You don’t
want her to pity you - you want her to desire you.
But don’t get me wrong. I’m not telling you to go overboard here. If you live
together don’t bring home some girl and have crazy sex on the couch when you
know she’s going to walk in at any minute.
The bottom line is this: you should remain friendly with her and you should keep
things casual. Also, be sure to use the overconfident approach I described in the
‘Meeting After NC’ section where applicable (i.e. if you’re on good terms and she’s
not dating someone else). This is very effective.
Because you want her to see that you’re fine with the breakup and that you
respect her decision to end it. However, while you’re respecting her decision, she
has to respect yours: that you can’t be that same person for her now that you
once were… you know, the person that was always there for her.
So how long should this go on? Should you give in at one point?
The answer is NO. She’s the one that’s going to have to end this by getting closer
and closer to you. And you go about this slowly. If she’s been ignoring you
completely and hanging out with friends but suddenly tries to make plans with
you – you accept, just not all the time. You let her come closer but do so
gradually. That means you go on living your “new” life, you just make room for
her a little bit more as time goes by. And under no circumstances do you
bring up the relationship (or breakup) unless she does.
What you’re trying to accomplish is the same thing that NC would achieve: to
make yourself unavailable to her and make her come running back to you. Only
in your case you do it on a toned down level because you live together. That’s the
only difference here.
Next, if you work together (or attend the same school/are in the same
class)… The same set of rules apply here as if you lived together. The only thing
that changes is that you can step things up a notch. You’re still building
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confidence and you’re still getting yourself together, but you’re doing it faster
because you don’t have constant contact.
However, the obstacle you’re facing in this particular situation is that you’re
going through a “public breakup”. I don’t know what your current work (or
school, etc.) conditions are but more likely than not there’s a lot of gossip going
around. My advice to you is not to get involved it in and don’t let it get to you.
Keep your private life private, even if she doesn’t.
Again, just like in the former case you want to let her in slowly. You remain cool
and casual about everything and you never bring up the relationship. You go on
living your life as if you never were a couple and you never had a breakup. When
she starts seeking more attention from you, you give it to her slowly (see the
‘Meeting After NC’ section for more details).
If you have a child together you’re facing similar challenges to the above,
however there are a few key differences in your case. For one, it’s no longer an
issue of you and her. It’s an issue of you, her, and the kid(s). What’s particularly
difficult about cases involving children is that you have to do everything in
“secret” because you don’t want to cause harm to your children.
Again, you keep it casual here while you’re getting yourself together. You let her
contact you in regards to the child (e.g. to pick them up, visit them, etc.) however
you don’t contact her for any other reason but the child.
What you’re trying to accomplish here is to show her that the only part of you
that’s available to her is the father of her child… that’s it. And you have to do this
while sheltering the kids from the insanity that’s currently going on around you.
Other than this it’s the same case as if you were living together. Every rule that
applies to that situation applies to this.
And concerning the last statement, there are many readers who have requested
more information for couples who have children together. Again, there is nothing
more to write about this. The situation is exactly the same as if you were working
together. The same rules apply and you shouldn’t do anything different.
For all other circumstances (e.g. you have a pet together or share
something that requires regular contact and it’s something other than
children) you’re free to act like if you were living together or if you had a child
together. The only difference here is that you don’t have to walk on eggshells with
the fear that you’ll hurt your children in the process. You keep on keeping on just
like the other cases and you keep contact to a minimum… you only get in touch
with her if you have an issue with the pet (or whatever it is).
However, let me warn you. This should not encourage you to contact her. In other
words, don’t make up some excuse as to why you need to contact her and justify it
with that something you both share (this goes for the above case as well:
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children). Remember what you’re ultimately trying to accomplish here: to make
yourself unavailable while building her desire to be with you again.
Now the last scenario I want to discuss is when you “owe” her. What does this
mean? I put this specific scenario into this book after consulting with a reader
whose girlfriend was recently operated on and she needed someone to be there
for her. He had also mentioned how much she had been there for him in the past
and was uncertain as to how much he should be there for her now.
Obviously in these situations, no matter how bad you’re hurting, you must
remain civil towards your ex. If it’s a matter such as the one described above, and
there’s no one else to help her (or she only wants your help) then you go ahead
and do so. And you should do this regardless of whether or not you “owe” her. I
think this goes without saying.
How to proceed? You stay there for her and see her through this rough time. But
once she’s gotten through it – you proceed to put NC into play (that is, unless you
guys have made up and are back together at this point).
However, make sure you don’t turn an orange into a watermelon. What I mean is
that you should NOT take a trivial issue and turn it into a serious one just so you
can be the hero by her side. In other words, don’t lie to yourself and don’t go
looking for excuses to remain in contact with your ex unless you absolutely have
to (you’re going to hear me mention this a lot throughout this book).
As for meeting up and getting closer with your ex while using the LC… the same
exact set of rules apply as when using NC. It makes no difference that you live
together, or you have children together, etc. etc… You do exactly as I’ve described
above and you custom tailor the strategy to suit your particular situation. Don’t
look for reasons to be the “odd one out”. What’s worked for the many others
before will work for you now as well.
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Approach #3: ‘Limited Adjusted Contact’ (LAC)
This approach is a cross between NC and LC. In contrast to the former, you’re not
completely cutting her off… especially since you have no reason to (e.g. you’re not
officially broken up yet). And in contrast to the latter, with LAC you are actively
trying to meet her and get close to her as opposed to meeting her because you
have to (e.g. when you work together).
The need for this entirely different approach will become readily apparent once
you’ve gone over the list of situations it’s indicated for below:
When should you use Limited Adjusted Contact as part of your overall
strategy?
•
If you broke up with her
•
If you are still together with her (i.e. you are not broken up yet but feel that
a breakup is coming soon or you’re on a “break”)
•
If you’re married and headed for a separation or divorce
•
If the reason she broke up with you was your failure to commit to marriage
•
If the reason she broke up with you was because you were dating someone
else at the same time and still haven’t ended it or didn’t end it soon enough
(i.e. she is/was your mistress)
When should you avoid using Limited Adjusted Contact as part of
your overall strategy?
•
If your situation doesn’t fit into any of the categories above
•
If she’s dating somebody else
Now let’s take each of those situations and go over them in detail…
If you were the one to break up with her but now you want her back
(and she’s rejecting you), using NC from the start is the “kiss of death”. Why?
Just take a minute to think about it. All that she’s done is given you the exact
same treatment you gave her.
You handed her a dose of rejection in the beginning and now that you want her
back she’s reciprocating. And for her this rejection is both a matter of pride and
insecurity. Now let me explain this a little further.
On the one hand she’s most likely angry at you for breaking up with her in the
first place. And this goes double if she’s tried to get you back for some time but
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you refused her attempts. That’s where her pride is coming in and it’s something
you should be able to understand – you just need to put yourself in her shoes for
a moment to see where’s she’s coming from.
Now on the other hand her insecurity is stemming from the fact that she has no
clue why you want her back all of a sudden. Is it because she started dating
someone else and therefore became unavailable to you? And what if she did take
you back? Would you lose interest in her once you’ve accomplished your goal…
putting her right back to square one of rejection? Again, in order to understand
this you have to look at it from her perspective.
So how to proceed? Like I just wrote above… the first step is to start looking at
things from her perspective and accept that she’s going to make you work for
this. You’re going to have to work hard to soften up her pride and get her to trust
you again (that is, to trust that you’re not going to leave her once more and you’ll
follow through on the “promise”).
Next, you forget about all kinds of begging and pushing for her to come back to
you. Instead, you use the cool and casual approach… even the overly confident
one where appropriate (see the ‘Meeting After NC’ section). And you contact
her as much as she’ll let you without overstepping her set “boundaries
and rules”.
That’s the biggest distinction between this situation and the one where the girl
breaks up with the guy. Because in the latter, the guy is setting the boundaries
and rules (even though it seems like the other way around). But in this scenario
she is definitely setting up the rules (because you’ve put her in a position of
leverage) and you have to play by them if you want her back. So take what I just
wrote above into consideration and treat this scenario as if you were meeting up
after she had broken up with you and you’ve been in NC.
Your goal is to make progress one step at a time and it doesn’t matter if this
process is slow-moving. Remember, she’s most likely going to make you work for
this relationship and if you truly want her you have to put in the effort.
Now there’s an important exception to this rule. And that is if she’s dating
someone else. If that’s the case then strict NC is the approach of choice. Because
if she’s dating someone else you should stay out of her way no matter what.
If you are still together with her, the same approach is called for. But in this
case you have to pay special attention to the two graphs I presented earlier on
this text and make note of your particular case. If you haven’t been paying
enough attention to her… well now’s the time to start. And if you have been
paying too much attention to her and being overly needy towards her you need to
give her some space. But whatever you do, do it in a gradual manner.
And here’s why…
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Let’s say that you haven’t been paying attention to her recently and she’s gotten
to the point where she can’t take it anymore. She wants out of the relationship
and she’s starting to make it obvious. So you realize what’s about to happen and
you drastically change your attitude towards her.
Do you know what will happen? Alarm bells will instantly go off in her head.
She’ll think that the only reason that you’re acting the way she wants you to act is
because you’re scared you might lose her. But she’ll also think that when this fear
of loss subsides that you’ll go back to the way you originally were with her. And
she’s not going to take that chance.
That’s why it’s important that you start making changes now but that you make
them gradually. Do something special for her. Get her a gift or some flowers. And
help her out around the house or maybe with something that she previously
needed help with but you didn’t give it to her. In short, do everything in your
power to avoid the breakup because it’s much harder to get her back than to keep
her in the first place.
One last thing about this particular scenario… when given the chance, sit down
with her and tell her that you’re also not completely happy with what the
relationship has become and that you want to work towards a solution together.
Now notice the emphasis on the word “together”. This is very important and you
should stress this when you sit down to talk with her. You want to make her feel
like you’re both part of the same team and that she’s not the only one who’s going
to be putting an effort towards making this work out.
Now, if she continues to withdraw despite the fact that you’ve taken action to
correct your problems then you must have another conversation with her. And in
this conversation you need to mention the above (that you want to work towards
a solution) but you can’t do this alone and you need her to help you out with it.
And from that moment on you leave the ball in her court so to speak. If you’ve put
in the effort to make your point that you want this relationship to survive – and
she’s fully aware of it because you’ve both a) started to make the necessary
changes and b) because you verbally expressed this to her – then your job is
basically done. What she does from this point on is up to her. Now if after all this
a breakup eventually does occur, you move on to NC. But as long as you’re still
officially together (even if it’s a “break”) you stick to LAC.
The same rules apply if you are married and are headed for a separation
or divorce. The only exception is that there could be something much “bigger”
than both of you (you and your wife) that you need to take into consideration:
children.
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And while children are the most important issue to consider in this case there are
several others that are beyond the scope of this text (e.g. legal and financial).
Regardless, as far as the issue of staying together is concerned… treat this
scenario just like the one above.
Now, if the reason she broke up with you was due to a failure on your
part to commit to marriage, you’re in a good spot. Why? Because up until
recently this girl was willing to spend the rest of her life with you – you just took
too long to accept her offer. So the cards are heavily stacked in your favor;
perhaps more so than any other situation written about in this book.
But make not mistake about it… you still have your work cut out for you and you
can be certain that she’s going to make you work hard to repair the relationship.
This scenario is quite similar to the one where a guy breaks up with a girl and
wants her back… except she’s the one initiating the breakup.
And do you know why? It’s because of pride and insecurity once again. She’s hurt
that after all this time together you won’t commit to her. And just like in the case
where a guy breaks up with a girl first, she’s very weary of the fact that you might
promise to ultimately commit to her, but once you start dating again you won’t
follow through on this promise.
Now keep in mind that a lot of times this kind of a breakup is simply her way of
testing you. That is, she might very well be trying to scare you so that you kick
into gear and speed up the commitment process (I’ve written more about this in
General FAQ #5). If that’s the case then you better make sure to pass her “test”.
And you do this by using LAC and gradually following through on your promise
to commitment with actions… not words. Words mean nothing at this point.
Show her how committed you are by cleaning up your act and doing the things
she expects of you. Don’t tell her that you’ll change or that you’ve changed. Those
are probably the two most worthless words a girl can hear when a guy is asking
for her back.
One example of this is the “video game addiction”. I’ve had a couple of readers
lose their fiancé because they got sucked into their virtual worlds and forgot all
about the rest of their lives. Naturally in situations such as this the video games
should go out the window. And I know I said to make gradual changes but
addictions need to be overcome immediately (that includes drinking, gambling,
etc…)
Now how can you be sure that this is the true reason for the breakup and that you
should use this particular approach? Because in many cases a girl doesn’t come
forth about her reason – this being one of them. Well first, take some time to
think about how long you’ve been together. Is it a few months, a few years? And
while time is not an absolute indicator of this, it’s a general rule of thumb that
once you pass the 3-4 year mark and she’s in the “marriageable age group” (mid
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20’s to mid 30’s) she eager to seal the deal. Again, see General FAQ #5 at the end
of the book for more on this.
And one last thing… just like in the previous scenario (i.e. when you’re still
together but headed for a breakup), if you fail to ultimately get her back after
making the appropriate changes and taking the appropriate actions because she’s
heavily rejecting you – then you should employ NC.
And the final situation where the LAC approach is applicable is if this girl was
your mistress (e.g. you were married and the divorce process took too long to
finalize: see Case Study #4).
OK, first thing’s first. The only way you stand a chance of getting this girl back is
by divorcing your wife (if you’re married) or breaking up with your other
girlfriend if you haven’t done so already. But here’s the kicker… there are no
guarantees that after you go through with this she’ll take you back. And there’s no
way to know this ahead of time either. So if you go through with the divorce (or
breakup with your other girlfriend) and she doesn’t take you back – you’ve lost
them both.
But that is the only way this can work. You have to be ready to lose a lot in order
to gain a lot. Take some time to truly think about this. Because if you’re married
and you have kids this will literally turn your life upside down – I don’t have to
tell you this. So is she worth it? If so, then go for it… if not – then take your time
to reconsider your options… and perhaps cut your losses.
Now if you do decide to go with the all-or-nothing approach you should treat this
scenario exactly like you would all the other ones in this category. The only
difference worth mentioning here is that it might take considerably longer for her
to put aside both her pride and insecurity to be with you again. And this is
something that you have to understand. Because this girl has stood by you for so
long. Now it’s your turn to do the same… to show your devotion to her. And
again, like in the other scenarios, if LAC does not work out then you proceed with
NC.
As far as meetings and LAC go – the same things that apply to NC situations
apply here (see ‘Meeting After NC’). The only thing that differs is that you don’t
maintain the “I might take you back” overconfident attitude. Remember, she’s the
one in the position of leverage here – not you. So keep cheery and upbeat – yet
don’t overdo it.
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Approach #4: ‘Full Force Contact’ (FFC)
Full Force Contact is the exact opposite of NC and should be used in only one
particular scenario: the “Ultra” Short Term Relationship (UST).
Now let’s start off by defining exactly what a UST is. It’s a relationship (if you can
even call it that) which lasts for a few dates all the way up to a month… a month
and a half – tops. What’s important to note here is that it’s not the time factor
that we’re absolutely concerned about… but how little each of you knows about
each other.
And in the past readers have asked me how can they make a clear distinction
between a UST and a short-term relationship so that they know which approach
to take. To paraphrase a bit the question went something like this, “How can you
tell because sometimes a 2-3 week relationship feels like a classic 2-3 year one?”
And the answer to the above is simple. If a 2 week relationship feels like a classic
relationship then you know (beyond the shadow of a doubt) why this “breakup”
occurred and why you should treat it as a UST and use FFC: because you moved
too fast and she got uncomfortable.
This is a classic mistake with guys. They meet a girl they like and they go
overboard with their feelings towards her. And then she panics and runs away
from them. So I think the distinction here is fairly easy to make. Don’t
concentrate so much on the time factor but on how much you know this person.
And as always, use your best judgment.
Two more things I want to mention about this scenario here because I’ve written
a separate book about it. If you’ve recently gotten out of a UST and have been
pushing hard to get back together with this girl and she’s rejected you, then you
need to back off and go into NC for a minimum of 7 days. Then (and only then)
should you proceed with FFC.
Otherwise, if you’re already in some form of NC with her for 7 days or more or if
you haven’t made the classic mistake of pushing her too hard yet, then go ahead
and put FFC into place. And make sure you read the UST book that came with
this course before doing so.
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Approach #5: ‘Renewed Contact’ (RC)
Renewed Contact is all about re-establishing a connection with your girl after
being apart for an extended period of time and not having regular contact
throughout. Because at this point it’s not about second chances any more. You’re
not trying to get her back. What you’re trying to do is start a whole new
relationship altogether.
So let’s get into the details of this approach…
When should you use Renewed Contact as part of your overall
strategy?
•
If you have been broken up for an extended period of time (e.g. 3+
months; but again this is just a number; use your best judgment here) and
you haven’t been in regular contact with her during this period (once or
twice doesn’t count)
When should you avoid using Renewed Contact as part of your overall
strategy?
•
If you have been broken up for an extended amount of time (3+ months)
but have kept regular contact (daily, weekly, etc.) throughout this breakup
and absolutely no progress has been made towards getting back
together. In this situation you go with NC first. If that doesn’t work out
and you hit the 3+ month milestone – then proceed with RC.
•
If your original breakup was 3+ months ago and have been experiencing
repeated cycles of breaking up and getting back together (Be sure to
carefully read over General FAQ #7: What to do if we’re having repeated
breakups?)
Onward…
Now as I wrote above, in this particular case it’s no longer about getting your ex
back. It’s about dating someone new altogether (almost). And if you thought that
the theory behind getting a girlfriend back was extensive, you really haven’t seen
anything. The theory behind this particular scenario is much deeper.
So, let’s discuss what you have going for you and what you have going against you
(we’ll call them pros and the cons) and then see how you can use all this to your
advantage. We’ll start with the pros:
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1. You already know this person very well so you know what makes them
“tick” and you know what they ultimately want in a relationship
2. Enough time has gone by for you to be sure that you genuinely want this
person back and you’re not acting out of rejection
3. You already made the fatal mistakes that led to breakup, so hopefully this
time around you’ll be better prepared to avoid them
4. Any negative feelings she harbors towards you have faded away (or at least
they’ve subsided somewhat)
But here are the cons:
1. You’ve already dated her once and already proven to her that you can’t
follow through on “the promise”
2. She may have changed significantly or gone through what’s commonly
referred to as “extensive growth”
3. She may be in another serious relationship
The way to approach this particular situation is to become her “friend” again. And
I know that up until now I’ve said nothing but bad things about becoming friends
with an ex, however, in this situation it’s your only chance to get your foot in the
door.
Now in order for this to truly work you need a little luck on your part and the
timing has to be right. She either has to be single again or getting over a
breakup. I’m putting emphasis on the latter case for a very important reason: her
emotions will be sky high.
And when it comes to women you need to appeal to their emotions – not their
logic. If she just got out of a bad relationship or even a good one, she’ll most likely
be in some pain. And if not, she’ll still be feeling that void I wrote about earlier.
That’s where you come in… to fill that void.
And since you’ve been “tried and tested” in a way (even though she knows deep
down that you’re not right for her) it could get your foot in the door. However,
once you’re in you need to act fast because her emotions will eventually make way
for logic, and if you’re making the same mistakes as before, it will be over in no
time.
But what if she’s not single… is there still any hope? Of course there is and I can
say this with 100% certainty. Why? Because several of my readers have written to
me because their ex decided to get back together with her ex.
Now I’ve never been responsible for breaking up a couple but I’ve learned enough
from my readers to know how it’s done: you appeal to her emotions and tell her
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that you had a great thing going and you want to start over again… to start
something new and better. But this has to be done after some time has passed
and her negative feelings about your breakup have faded.
Again, the timing has to be right here. If the person she’s now dating is treating
her like gold… your chances are slim and it’s best to keep your distance. But if
they’re starting to have problems, you find out exactly what those problems are
and you indirectly make it known to her that with you, those problems didn’t
exist.
The key word here is indirectly. I want you to always remember that everything
you tell her about her current boyfriend she’ll take with a grain of salt. Don’t
think for a second that she’ll agree with you if the words come out of your mouth.
After all, you are his competition. No. It has to come out of her mouth and you
have to nod in agreement and show understanding. That’s how you get your foot
in the door.
And all of the rules that apply to getting a girl back after a short-term breakup
apply here as well. You still have to keep confidence in the center stage of
everything that you do and you have to take baby steps until you reach your
objective.
Now let’s go over a hypothetical situation. Let’s say that you’ve been broken up
with this girl for about a year and a half but you’ve never gotten over her and
contact between the two of you has been minimal or nonexistent. What do you
do?
You call her up. You don’t email and you don’t text message. Why? Because
you’re looking for the element of surprise here. I wrote a lot about this in the
book that deals with “Ultra” Short Term Relationships so I’m not going to repeat
it here. Just understand that this is the way to go and if you choose the latter
routes you’re reducing your chances of getting what you want.
Next, you ask her to meet you for something casual: a coffee or a lunch… not for a
dinner and a movie. Do not ask her to do anything that she could associate with
dating. Remember, your goal here is to catch her off guard. Don’t hit her with
words like, “I need to talk to you about something” or anything of the sort.
Remember to take baby steps here.
If she accepts, great. Go out and have a good time and show her (actually remind
her) how great it is to hang out with you again. You stay upbeat and cheery and
always confident (see section on ‘Meeting After NC’. Let her see what a great
change you’ve gone through. In other words leave a lasting first impression with
her in this new chapter of the “relationship” that you’re opening up.
Finally, just intensify the whole thing. That means you start to see more and more
of her, first by calling her more often until she starts to reciprocate. But don’t go
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overboard. If you met this girl and haven’t seen her for six months do not start
calling her everyday after this initial meeting. Use your best judgment here.
And above all don’t force anything. Let it come natural but always be on the
lookout for that emotional button you can push. If she happens to mention a
specific problem in her life (even if it’s not concerning a current boyfriend) you
jump all over it. But again, don’t overdo things. The last thing you want to do is
end up being her emotional tampon. Moderation is the key here.
So how do you go about asking her to consider this “new and improved”
relationship?
Actually, you don’t… at least not initially. What you’re trying to do is get your foot
in the door and you do that by becoming intimate with her once again (i.e. kissing
her). Now there’s a very good chance that if this happens she’ll resist you after
that but remember to keep cool and use some of that teasing overconfidence I
wrote about earlier. Let her do the driving here. If you’ve been acting casual and
upbeat this whole time and she rejects any further advances yet sees that you’re
fine with it, something should start to “click” in her.
And from that point on you keep adding intensity to the situation with every new
encounter until it gets to that point where you can talk about your relationship
again and possibly about a future.
If and when that happens, know that you have a small time-frame to work with
here. That means that you have to act fast… the key word being act. You have to
show her through everything that you do that you’re not the person she initially
dated (you know, the one who didn’t follow through on his promise). Under no
circumstances should you tell her that you’ve “changed”. Remember, actions
speak 1000 times louder than words here.
And in order to accomplish all of this, you need to have gone over in detail every
stage of your previous relationship with this girl and have pinpointed your key
differences and problems. Those are the ones you need to “instantly” solve when
you get your foot in the door… or else that door will soon slam shut.
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V. The Proof Is In The Results: How I Used NC
To Bring Back My Ex
I’ve already explained to you why NC works so well through metaphors and
theories. But I want you to be truly convinced so you not only take my advice to
heart, but so you stick to the plan and make it work for you (that is if this
approach is warranted for your situation; if not then you’ll find other examples in
the Case Studies that came with this course).
The best way I know of to convince you is to give you actual proof of its
effectiveness. Here’s my firsthand experience and how I unknowingly used NC to
get my ex back.
This is the story of my most recent breakup. I’m swallowing my pride and letting
out all the dirty details. There are a lot of things in here that I’m not proud of, but
these are the events, nonetheless. I hope you can learn a thing or two from my
mistakes and see where the entire focus of the first edition of this book is based
on.
At the time, my girlfriend and I were dating for almost 4 years. To say that it was
a bumpy relationship would be a gross understatement. For the first three years I
can honestly say I had the “power”. Therefore, I needed it the “least”. She was
tugging and I was pulling away.
But after the third year we found ourselves in completely different circumstances.
Due to new jobs, we went from living together to being a long distance couple. We
both had our challenges ahead of us. Her situation was more difficult, no doubt,
but I felt like the one in “hell”.
I was struggling at my new job which I didn’t care for very much. I was in a place
with no friends, no family, and not much else going on. I had no social life and
the outlook for one wasn’t positive in the least.
Naturally, things started to greatly shift in the relationship. I started to cling to
her. For the past 3 years it was the other way around. If you look at the two
graphs I put in this book in the section where I describe the Burn-Out Stage,
you’ll see that I had abruptly shifted from one phase to the other. I used to be the
confident guy, full of energy, and a big group of friends. I loved my girlfriend but
at the same time I didn’t “need” her.
My new set of circumstances changed all of this and that’s when things started
changing between us. It was very odd to me at first. Here was a person who went
from always “complaining” about not spending enough time together or
criticizing me for not calling enough, to being just fine with being less “in touch”.
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This was a true ego crusher. The more I clung to her the more she pulled away
which lead us into a vicious circle. I found myself being the one thing I never
thought I’d be: the needy boyfriend. I hated myself for this but I couldn’t stop.
My situation brought out of me another set of feelings. I started getting jealous
and paranoid. Like I said, at this point we were doing long distance so every
negative feeling I had was amplified by not being able to see and communicate
face to face. I started thinking that she was acting like this because she met
someone else… it was the only thing I could think of that would explain this
drastic attitude transformation.
This whole cycle of pulling and tugging lasted for six “heated” months. Six
months of fight after fight after fight. I don’t even care to count how many of
those 180 or so days were pure disaster. By the seventh month, I was at the
lowest point of the relationship. We started fighting even more frequently and the
conversations were getting more and more bitter. We went from a point in our
relationship where we used to talk every day to not talking for a few days at a
time.
This was all new to me. To tell you truth, for once I started to see her perspective.
I want to stress that I don’t blame her for the way she was acting. It’s safe to
assume that it was the combination of her being hurt by me in the past and by my
recent change of attitude resulting in this shift of power.
And to side-step a little bit… when I speak about holding power in a relationship I
don’t mean being evil, rude, or hurtful. I believe that people would be much
happier and couples would get along much better if these relationship “games”
did not exist.
But nothing could be further from the truth. The emotions, feelings, and thoughts
that rule our conscious, and more importantly, our subconscious, drive us to act
in the way that we do. It would be best if we didn’t have to actively think about
these things and let honesty be the only guide through our relationships.
But that’s not the case, especially not here.
Continuing with the story… after those 6 months of being in the Burn-Out stage
we crashed. The relationship broke down… except I didn’t see it coming.
Surprised?!
Here’s what happened next. I remember it vividly. It was a Friday, around 7 or 8
PM. I remember this because I was getting ready to meet a friend to go to a party.
My girlfriend had called me just as I was getting in the shower. After we
exchanged our hellos and usual “how are you’s”, she went for the kill….
“WE NEED TO TALK”
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I knew where this was going because my first girlfriend (I’m talking high school
here) told me the exact same things before she “canned” me. I hate those four
words. They’re nothing but a swift precursor to a world of pain you’d have to
have first-hand experience with to even remotely understand.
Naturally, my initial reaction was one of complete shock. I was shocked because
no matter how distant we had grown, no matter how many fights we were having,
I never expected this. Not in a million years. Again, are you surprised?
What I fool I was. How could I not see this coming? It couldn’t be any more
obvious, but like I said, you need to be an “outsider” to see what’s really going on.
Once my initial shock settled, I told her something along the lines of, “fine… if
that’s the way you want it, so be it”. But I was lying. I couldn’t fake it no matter
how macho I tried to appear to her. She knew what she had done and she knew
exactly what it was doing to me. Remember, she had the power… she was
thinking clearly, or at least, as clearly as someone can think in situations such as
this.
I was the weak one. My judgment was clouded and what I proceeded to do, that
same night, and in the days that followed were pure suicide. Looking back, I have
to say it’s a wonder how I pulled this off and we got back together. I guess it just
goes to show that no matter how hopeless your situation seems there’s still some
hope left (pardon the cliché).
My first mistake was getting drunk at that party I ended up going to. When I got
home, the first thing I did was call her… BIG MISTAKE… I was drunk and I was
emotional. All rationale had gone out the window. I don’t remember much of our
conversation but I do remember it being heated. It turned out to be a really big
fight. I was yelling at her and asking her why she was leaving me… again, I
stress… BIG MISTAKE.
It was a big mistake because the next morning when I woke up I remembered her
last words in the conversation, “I’m so glad I did this. I’m so glad I ended this
relationship”. What a thought to wake up with in the morning. I just wanted to
crawl into a hole and die.
I waited for her to call. Deep down inside I knew she would call. She had to, we
spoke almost every day. And just like all the other fights, I figured that this
should not be that much different. It’s something we could work out. Boy was I
wrong. The night came and went and she still hadn’t called.
The second day I felt the heartache. I felt guilty. I knew I had screwed things up.
When I look back on it, I think of what an idiot I was. Here was someone that had
just broken up with me, after almost 4 years and I was the one feeling guilty?
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Give me break. Sure I had every right to feel down and I had every right to feel
sorry for myself. But the one thing I shouldn’t have felt was guilt. The things I
said on the phone call were coming from emotion, nothing more. But like I said,
logic seems to disappear in matters such as this.
A third day came and went and still I hadn’t heard from her. I was trying to be
strong. I drew strength from my “male pride” and told myself I wouldn’t give in.
She should be the one to make contact. It was a game, and I had to win. I had to
because I was the one who had been dumped. If I tried contacting her I would
have given her even more power.
That part of my thinking was good. I was on the right track. I had been through
this before, but many, many years ago. It was in high school and she was my “first
love”. I was able to pull through and get what I eventually wanted in that
situation because I had a strong social support system.
However, fast forward several years later and no such system was in place. I was
alone with my thoughts, my concerns, and my impulses. There was no one to
stick by me and see things from the outside and give me insight into was what
was really happening.
Now back to they story. The third day was a Monday. I had to go to work which
involved two hours of driving through traffic. That was hell for me on a regular
day, but on a day such as this, with all of these thoughts going through my head,
it was unbearable. Here I was, stuck in traffic and going back and forth between
feelings of anger, hate, sorrow, and elation.
It was a “trip”. I hated her for doing this to me. I couldn’t believe this was
happening, and at the same time, I felt like I had lost the love of my life (we’ll get
back to this one because it’s crazy how different things appear with a clear mind).
That first day back at work was hell. I couldn’t wait to get home and call her up
again. I resisted the thought, but when I finally made it home, after a couple of
hours of going back and forth on this, I made the decision. I was going to make
the call.
Here’s the crazy part about this. It wasn’t bad enough that I was calling her, but I
was calling her with such a “sly” intention in mind. She had a copy of something
important of mine lying on her computer’s hard drive. I thought it was a good
excuse to call her up and make sure she deletes it now that we were broken up.
I took this stupid approach of, “well, since we’re not together anymore I can’t
trust you, so I’m calling to let you know that you should get rid of my stuff so I
don’t have to worry about you distributing it some day”.
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What an idiot I was. I could have called her and told her I missed her, even
begged her, whatever… anything would have been better than this. But like I said
before, logic goes out the window when your mind is overrun with emotion.
This ended becoming a long conversation. This is what I truly wanted, and she
knew it. I used my lame excuse to get my “foot in the door”, so to speak. As if I
didn’t have the right to call someone and talk to them after being together for
almost four years!
Regardless, the conversation didn’t go well. I kept trying to convince her that we
should try to work things out. But the more I pushed, the more she pulled away.
She started crying and telling me she didn’t know if she could do this anymore.
She said she didn’t want to get hurt, and any other excuse that she could give me.
Needless to say, our second conversation didn’t go well.
At this point it was time to face the music. This breakup was really happening. It
wasn’t some bad fight that we’d get over… something we’d done countless times
before. I had to suck this one up.
I made up my mind that I wouldn’t contact her anymore. I had lost her for good.
This relationship was over, I was moving on with my life… if only it were
that simple.
I spent the next week or so, not that much different than the days just described.
The mornings were the worst. I was stuck there in traffic thinking of all the great
things I had in my life with this girl that were now gone forever. I would curse
myself. How stupid I was to just let her go. I kept shifting all the blame on myself.
I mostly thought about the good things in our relationship. I barely scratched the
surface of all the things we had gone through: the countless times I had wanted to
end this relationship, the fights, and the unnecessary pain we caused each other.
This was all gone. As if it never existed. The biggest mistake I made about this
breakup was concentrating only on the good things, when I should have been
concentrating on everything as a whole. But then again, when you get rejected,
the person who rejects you becomes like a drug. It doesn’t matter what has
happened in the past or what the consequences are to be in the future, you just
want your fix... and until you get it, it’s nothing but good in your mind.
After the first week rolled by, the pain started to let up. I was out of my denial
phase and acceptance started to roll over me. I started being more open around
work, I was smiling again, and I even started going out, being social.
I would go to places, strike up conversations with strangers, and basically do
anything to force me not to think of my breakup. It was working great. Sure, I
would get down from time to time, and when I would stop in those moments to
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analyze what was really going on it would really get to me, but overall I was doing
great.
This didn’t last long. My “artificial happiness” soon gave way to grief once more. I
was still alone. I wasn’t in the dating frame of mind, and besides, I didn’t have
much “game” back then for two reasons:
1. I had been out of the loop for some time
2. I was feeling like a reject
Others know, especially girls… when you’ve been dumped. They can sense it a
mile away. It’s as if you “smell” desperate.
Then the most unexpected thing happened. On the 16th day, she logged onto MSN
messenger, and that’s when she wrote me. I don’t recall what at this point but it’s
not important. I wrote her back and we exchanged a few more messages, and
before I knew it we were on the phone talking again.
It was a very strange sensation. Here I was talking to a person that’s supposed to
know me in the most intimate fashion, for a longer time than anyone else in my
life at this point, and I felt strange talking to her; as if we were barely acquainted
solely through some previous encounter.
Still, I was delighted. Everything I had worked on in the past 2 weeks: the
separation, starting “anew”, everything I was building on to be my new life…
gone… in a flash, with one single instant message over the PC. Who would have
thought?
I won’t draw this story out any longer. I won’t because you probably know where
it leads from here. I got her back… correction… she came back to me. There’s only
one thing I want to stress. The one thing that made this all possible was my mind
shift.
It had only been about 2 weeks, but a lot of things had happened to me in those 2
weeks. I saw things in a different light. I learned to separate logic and emotion
and was able to apply this to my “strategy” after our first contact.
I didn’t beg, I didn’t ask to get back together… all I did was give her permission to
“be in my life”. And I stress the word “permission”, because that’s what had
happened.
When we first broke up and she had told me she didn’t want to hear from me
again, I complied with her wishes. Now she was pulling a 180 on me. The power
was in my hands now… as long as I didn’t let my emotions stand in the way I
would get what I wanted – to be with her again.
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This whole thing came down to me playing it cool. I showed her that I could be
fine without her… but here’s the thing. I didn’t act it. If I had tried to act it, like I
did when we first broke up, she would have seen right through this. NO. At this
point, although I truly wanted her back into my life, I was ready and willing to let
her go. That’s what did the trick.
It’s not something that’s easy to digest. I’m quite proud of myself and I’m not
saying this to brag... but in this case I beat my addiction. When normally my
personality wouldn’t allow me for such a thing, in this cause I made a
breakthrough.
So what was my secret? Pride, but in a healthy dose. You need to have enough
pride to build your self-esteem up to the point where you’re accepting yourself.
Where you’re not feeling like some reject just because someone, even your
“special someone”, chose not to be with you.
That is my story and those are my mistakes. As you can see, the thing that beats
logic right in the face about what shouldn’t work – did. I used the reverse
approach, entirely by accident, through an act of desperation and it got me my
most wanted response.
The lesson to be learned here?
“THE POWER IN A RELATIONSHIP LIES
WITH THE ONE WHO NEEDS IT THE LEAST”
There are 3 more things I want you to learn from this story:
1. This is firsthand proof that NC works. The sooner you realize and put it
into play, the sooner you’ll get what you want
2. The only reason NC worked was because I was ready (psychologically) to
see it through till the end
3. I made many mistakes along the way. I made those mistakes because I
didn’t have a guide like this to show me the way. Learn from my mistakes
and avoid them. It will make your breakup much easier. And if you’ve
already made them – correct them as soon as possible and move on with
the plan
Now before we move on to the last portion of this book which deals with keeping
your girl once you get her back I want to take some time to talk about two specific
scenarios that warrant special attention: The Long Distance Relationship and
Dealing With The “Other” Guy.
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VI. Special Circumstances
A. The Long Distance Relationship (LDR)
The long distance relationship is one of two special situations (the other being
the “new boyfriend”) that I want to devote a little more time to, not only because
readers have requested it in the past, but because there are certain aspects of
these situations that are different enough to warrant a separate discussion.
First thing’s first. Anyone who’s breaking up from a long distance relationship
and attempting to get his girlfriend back is essentially working with one hand tied
behind their backs. And the “reason why” should be painfully obvious to you…
but just in case you don’t know what I’m referring to, it’s the inevitable problems
this distance ultimately creates.
And before we dive into the detailed description of those problems I want to
make one thing clear. The only possible way a long distance relationship stands a
chance is if both parties are in full agreement as to when the distance will cease to
exist. And this is something that you can’t just “wing” or decide at a later time. If
you’re serious about someone then you need to sit down and talk with them and
set a date for when you’re going to be living together or if not together, at least
very near in proximity to each other.
And while this seems like common sense many couples seem to overlook it. They
think that “love” will keep them together no matter what. Unfortunately life
doesn’t work out that way. See how that “love” stands up to everyday problems
such as loneliness, temptation, uncertainty, neediness, etc. etc. It doesn’t.
It naturally crumbles away without a set date of when the distance will be over.
Even if there is a set date you’re still working with a handicap. Maybe you don’t
have a full arm tied behind your back but you’re missing a few fingers at the least.
But here’s another problem with long distance relationships… it’s not always
possible to set this date and stick to it because in some situations the couple has
just met, perhaps even on vacation where the setting is prime to fool each other
that what they’re feeling is true love. So it’s not realistic to start making long-term
plans to be together and everything is left up in the air.
A perfect example of this is one of the case studies that came together with this
course (Case Study #3). The couple in question had met while on vacation and
the relationship faded away after 3 months. If you’re currently getting out of a
long distance relationship you should go ahead and carefully read over that case
study.
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Now, here’s how to approach this situation if you happen to be in it…
For one, you have to assess where you stand so you can figure out your starting
point. What I mean by this is:
•
How long were you dating?
•
Why did you break up?
•
What has happened since the breakup?
•
What terms are you in with this girl at this point?
Now let’s go over these in detail…
If you haven’t been together with her for a long then sitting down with her and
discussing a definite date is strictly out of the question right now but it should
nevertheless be at the forefront of your thoughts so that you have an actual plan if
and when things start getting better with this girl.
On the other hand, if you’ve been dating this girl for a while… long enough to call
her a true girlfriend (minimum 6 months, but again use your best judgment here)
and you haven’t laid out this plan of when you’re finally going to be together
again – well now’s the time to ask yourself why you haven’t already.
Because if you’ve been “winging it” all this time perhaps you don’t even want this
to be a long-term thing down the road. As you’ll later read in Case Study #3 this
requires a HUGE commitment for both you and your significant other. So be
absolutely sure that you’re ready to make it.
And finally, as far as the length of the relationship is concerned, if you already
had set plans for a future but they fell through – take some comfort in knowing
that you’re in the best position of all three just described. However, you’re not out
of the deep waters just yet.
Next, why did you break up? Was it lack of attention on your part or too much?
Because it’s all too common that a long distance relationship falls apart because
either she or you became too needy at some point (as was in my case). And this is
usually the case when one of the parties involved doesn’t have a good social
support system in place and literally latches on to their partner to fill that void.
Obviously in this case, you have to go out and create that system and not depend
on your partner to be that for you 100%.
Now if it was a lack of attention on your part… perhaps she was the one that
become too needy and wanted more of you than you could give. And it’s very
possible that she started to doubt any future plans you had together. Again, it’s
something you have to take into consideration.
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Alright, as to the third & fourth points… what has happened since the breakup…
and what terms are you on… If you’ve begged and tried to persuade her to come
back – then a heavy dose of strict NC applies to your case. It’s just like a non-LDR
except for the distance. Nothing changes except for possible meetings in the
future (which we’ve gone over in the ‘Meeting After NC’ section). So other than
that… treat this situation in exactly the same fashion as if she was living next
door.
And if she’s dating someone else, then again, NC applies here. I could go on and
on about this but I guess the point I’m trying to make is that the LDR is not very
different than any other situation that warrants the NC or LAC approach. That is,
if you weren’t the one to break up with her first… or if you didn’t have marriage
plans and failed to solidify them – then use NC. But if your situation is described
in the section about LAC (e.g. she’s unsure about the relationship but she hasn’t
officially broken it off), then by all means use that approach.
Now there’s one last thing I want to mention about long distance relationships.
Just like in all others you have to get her to start taking more and more steps
towards you… that’s a given. And you use the same strategies to accomplish this.
And just like in other relationships when her resistance finally does wear down
and you’re back together on more intimate terms – that’s when you start
addressing the problems at hand… the problems that drove you apart to begin
with.
And like every other relationship, yours is bound to have its own set of unique
problems. But the one problem you should be extremely cautious about is that
future plan I mention above. Because once you get back together with this girl –
this problem needs to be addressed and a solution needs to be established ASAP.
And that solution needs to tie in with every other solution to the other problems
that exist outside the scope of this. If you fail to address this problem and
establish its solution, it won’t be long before you lose her again and find yourself
reading through this course once more in search of answers.
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B. Dealing With The “Other” Guy
I’ve gotten a lot of feedback since I’ve put out the first edition of this book and
one of the most frequently asked questions and concerns is “what to do about the
‘new’ guy?” The answer to this is simple: nothing. And to be more specific – you
shouldn’t even acknowledge him where applicable.
It’s very possible that this guy your ex has starting dating is a rebound
relationship. Perhaps it is even an ex boyfriend of hers… again, by definition any
new relationship your girl gets into after you guys break up is a rebound. It
doesn’t matter if she’s known the guy or even been with him in the past.
Now whether or not he remains a rebound or gets “upgraded to a higher rank”
(i.e. boyfriend with potential for a serious relationship) remains to be seen. That
is, no one can tell what this will turn into – not you, not her, and certainly not the
other guy. It’s something you have to wait and see about (discussed in more detail
in General FAQ #6).
Now despite all this (whether it gets serious with him or not) your attitude
towards the situation should remain the same. You don’t talk to your ex about
him. In fact you don’t even talk to your ex because in most situations of this sort
the strict NC approach is not only advisable… but mandatory. The only exception
to this is if you’ve been broken up and out of contact for some time and you’re
trying to get into a new relationship with her. Otherwise, don’t talk to her, and if
she approaches you, don’t talk to her about him.
Now why is this so important? Well for one, there is nothing you can do or say to
influence her decision to stop seeing him and go back to seeing you. It’s almost
impossible to persuade a girl to get back together with you if there isn’t anyone
else in the picture (hence all the different approaches outlined in this course), let
alone when there is. In fact, it makes matters much worse.
And here’s why…
When your ex starts dating someone else that guy has a clear advantage over you:
he’s working with a “clean slate”. And what this means is that he hasn’t broken
that promise that you’ve recently broken which ultimately led to the breakup. So
she’s giving him a chance to fulfill the promise.
But here’s a very important advantage that you have over him… a longer history
with this girl and the bond that this history has ultimately created. This is
something very powerful on your side. Because this girl has already let you into
her intimate world and she’s already connected (bonded) with you.
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And that bond doesn’t break overnight. It takes a while for it to break… the longer
the relationship was, the longer it takes to break. I want you to be aware of this
but also to be aware of the fact that you shouldn’t get too comfortable with this
knowledge. Abuse this piece of information and that bond will crumble faster
than the Berlin wall did in ‘89 – you’ve been warned!
So how to ultimately deal with him? Again, you don’t. Any and all conversations
you have with your ex after the breakup should not include him in it. And if she
happens to bring him up – change the subject. It’s very important for you to
understand that anything negative you say to her about him she’ll take with a
serious grain of salt. You can’t logically point out to her why you’re so much
better than him and how much more she deserves than that because her defenses
will shoot right up.
And if you take a moment to think about it… it’s natural. Because you are, in fact,
the competition. And if there’s one thing competitors do in any situation (and
make a big mistake while doing so) is try to make themselves look better by
discounting, or even outright discrediting, their adversaries. So with this in mind,
don’t try to actively put down your “competitor” with words. Instead, become the
logical choice by demonstrating “higher value”.
What does this mean? You act like a gentleman throughout this… no matter how
much pain it causes you to do this. Because make no mistake about it – while
she’s dating someone else she’s making a direct comparison between him and
you. So if you choose to show her your ugly side… who do you think is going to
win this “competition”?
The only thing that’s required of you in this situation is to back off, and let your
history with this girl work to your advantage. There’s nothing else you can do at
this point. In essence, your hands are tied behind your back. But don’t drive
yourself crazy over this. There is a very good chance he’ll turn out to be a rebound
and it won’t last very long.
And if you’ve made all the necessary changes in yourself – changes that bring out
the best in you – when this guy is out of the picture once again you’ll have a great
chance of patching things up and getting back together with her. Because while
he’s busy failing to follow through on his promise, you’re quietly becoming a
virtual icon of that promise in her eyes.
And if you’ve screwed up real bad with your girl and this guy makes you look pale
in comparison to him… we’ll there’s no better time than now to start making
those changes. There’s no use crying over spilled milk. Do the best you can with
what’s available to you.
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VII. The Stages Of Your New Relationship
I debated with myself over including this section in the book. I figured that you
had enough on your hands at the moment. Up until now its entire focus was the
fundamentals and the mindset required to repair your relationship. This section
deals with the things you need to know once you get back together with your
girlfriend (or to keep her from leaving if you’re still together). I decided that
leaving it out would be doing you an injustice.
While it might not be your most pressing concern at this point, this is something
that you’re going to have to consider in the very near future. And while your
chances of reuniting with your girlfriend may be very high, I want to stress that
the way in which you handle this reunion will play a big role in determining
whether you stay together or not.
If not handled correctly you could enter an ugly cycle of breaking-up and getting
back together again. You want to avoid this at all costs. If given the choice, I
would choose to end it clean, once and for all, than get into a very damaging cycle
of pain that does neither of you any good.
If you can’t work out your differences due to any reason, it’s best to let go. Live
and let live. The worst that can happen is that you leave things on a good note
and remain friends. You sit down, you talk things through, and you come to a
resolution that suits you both.
That’s the best outcome I can hope for you if staying together for the long term
doesn’t work out. Through my experience I found that getting back a girlfriend
who has broken up with you is easy. It’s easy when you have the right mindset
and you follow everything we talked about.
Staying together is the real challenge. Overcoming everything you’ve been
through, taking it for what it is, and working through it to build a stronger
relationship is the killer.
I was debating whether or not to get into this in detail, but I feel that you should
know. You should know about everything that’s possibly waiting for you in your
new relationship to come.
When you get over this hump you’re currently climbing, you’ll find yourself with
a new set of challenges. You’ll start to see things in a new light. Here’s what you
should watch out for.
For the purpose of clarity I will refer to the point in your relationship after you’ve
worked things out and gotten back together, the window period. It too, like the
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stages of a relationship has its own stages and ultimately its own outcomes, both
good and bad.
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A. The Voluntary Stage Of Heightened Awareness
When two people finally choose to resolve their differences after a breakup they
enter what I like to call, “The Window Period”. I call it the window period because
that’s exactly what it is: a window of opportunity to either move forward or a final
reminder to leave well enough alone.
Every couple enters the window period with good intentions. To them it’s like a
new beginning, and in a way, that’s exactly what it is. However, the main problem
is that this new beginning carries with it the excess baggage from all the previous
events of the relationship.
Every previous fight, miscommunication, and especially the recent breakup: all
scars on the relationship. And while both people involved come into this period
with good intentions, few see it through the other side of the window and end up
with a long-lasting and loving relationship.
The first stage of the window period is “The Voluntary Stage Of Heightened
Awareness”. This is when both parties involved take extra care not to make the
same mistakes they made in the past. It’s as if they’re walking on eggshells. It’s
somewhat like the Honeymoon Stage of the initial relationship but without the
added flare.
Every single thought and action is carried out at the conscious level. It’s the
conscious voluntary mind that’s driving the relationship, with both parties
involved. However, this doesn’t last too long. It can’t.
Think of it like breathing. If breathing stopped being involuntary, you’d be able to
keep it up for a while, but at some point, you’d give in. You wouldn’t be able to
sustain it indefinitely and you’d stop. Disaster would quickly follow.
The same principle applies here. The voluntary stage of heightened awareness
can only carry a relationship for so long. Eventually it slides into the second
stage, the involuntary stage.
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B. The Involuntary Stage
It’s in this second stage that things come up apart for most couples. This is
because both people revert back to “themselves”. Bad habits reappear and the
problems of the relationship that were there to begin with, ultimately return.
This is because people don’t change… almost. Change is possible but it takes
much work and it involves both people. For one of you, this could be learning to
understand the other’s needs better, and for the other, it could involve some
serious habit breaking activities.
I hate to be negative, but most couples fall apart here because they can’t solve
their differences. It’s hard to let go of everything that’s happened, and it’s even
harder to accept that some things just won’t change.
For those that do make it, it’s because they either:
1. Make the necessary changes
2. Decide that being without that person is worse than being with them
and living with their faults (they’re also afraid they can’t find someone
else)
If you happen to find yourself in situation #2… please break it off. It’s for your
own good.
I can’t tell you how sad it makes me to see people like that. As we speak, a good
friend of mine is getting married to a woman he doesn’t love. She leads a life
that’s opposite to his. They both want different things, but not from each other,
from other people.
So why are they getting married? Well, there are many reasons, but primarily
because they can’t deal with being apart. It’s a nasty habit, kind of like cigarettes:
you’d rather die a slow death than experience the anguish of withdrawal that
immediately follows when breaking the habit.
So how do you deal with the window period? How do you cross over?
Here’s my best advice to you. First you need to look deep inside yourself and find
out if you really want to be with this person. I for one, when the dust had settled,
didn’t. But this was something I couldn’t do under the emotional hardship of a
breakup. I needed logic to do its part there.
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So make sure you’re really up for the long run. If there are any doubts, take some
time to think things over. Have a talk about them with your partner if you can.
Just don’t be rash in your decisions. Go over the previous section.
Do you see the reason you broke up? You’re in a prime position to do this now
(now that your head is clear and you’re thinking logically). You have no pressure
and no fear at the moment.
If you come to the conclusion that this person is what you want in your life, then
try hard, every day, in every waking moment to make this a reality. Things won’t
be easy, but talk and communicate with your partner. Get her opinion. Tell her to
let you know what you’re doing wrong… and vice versa.
If this is what you both truly want then with proper patience and communication
you’ll work through everything that’s happened and use it as the foundation for a
better and stronger relationship.
If, on the other hand, you decide that this relationship is not right for you, sit
down with your partner and discuss it; rationally. You’ll likely both be in a better
state to handle this because you’re just coming off of a breakup.
It would be encouraging to say that you’ll both walk away feeling fine, but that
wouldn’t be true. One person usually gets hurt more than the other. That’s OK.
It’s better for both of you in the long run. You’ll have the advantage of ending
things on a good note and be able to co-exist as friends, and that’s not something
to take for granted.
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IX. General Frequently Asked Questions
1. What are my chances of getting her back?
I get this question a lot and to be honest it’s really a tough one to answer. The
truth is, there’s no possible way to know exactly what your chances are of getting
her back.
But the bottom line is that this is a question that only you and you girl can
ultimately answer. However, if you can put into practice everything you’ve
learned from this book (and remember, you’re crafting an overall strategy here…
you’re not just applying tactics) I can guarantee you that your chances of getting
what you want will drastically increase.
2. Does she miss me?
I also get this question a lot and after talking with many guys about their
situations I finally understand where it’s coming from. Look, it takes a great deal
of guts to actually put this strategy into place.
And I know exactly how you feel. I know what it’s like to wake up day after day
and check email and voicemail in hopes of finding something there from your ex
just to have all your hopes crushed when there’s nothing.
I know what it’s like to be desperate for that one little piece of interaction… that
“proof of life”. Something to remind you and to reassure you that the person who
you’ve dedicated such a big part of your life to is still thinking about you and that
there’s hope for a future with them.
And like I just said, it takes guts to step back and be so “passive” about everything
and cut off all contact if your situation calls for it. It’s a big leap of faith, especially
if you’re no longer on good terms with her. I know the thoughts that cross your
mind: how every day that goes by and she’s “single” just increases the possibility
that she’ll meet someone else.
And it’s true. That possibility does exist. You’d be foolish to think otherwise. But
I’ll tell you what’s also true. There is absolutely no chance that she’s not missing
you or thinking about you. Why? Because you can’t just turn off feelings like a
light switch. It’s impossible.
No matter how bad things seem to be and no matter how bad you feel… always
keep in mind that she’s going through a breakup as well… even if she initiated it.
She’s also feeling bad, she’s also having doubts, and she’s also asking the same
question. How do I know? Simple… it’s human nature.
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As hard as it is to do, you should wipe this question from your thoughts entirely.
Because if you’re asking it (or better put: if it’s the dominating question in your
mind) then you’re missing the point altogether. You don’t have a strategy in
place; you’re just applying a tactic.
It’s the mindset behind that tactic that makes it effective and turns it into a
bulletproof strategy. And without confidence in yourself and in what you’re doing
you’re essentially rendering it useless.
3. Is it ever too late to get back together again?
Again, this is another question that gets asked a lot. And it’s a very important one
at that. No, I don’t believe that it’s ever too late. I’ve come to realize that in life,
all things (not just those concerning relationships) happen when you least expect
them.
And I understand that it’s natural to sometimes lose all hope and feel that the
“damage” done is too much to overcome. However, those are the seeds of doubt
that breakups plant in our thoughts. It’s logical that you’ll feel this way from time
to time.
It is for this reason that I chose to write a special report titled, “Cashback…
Finding Hope In A ‘Hollywood’ Film” and include it as a bonus to this package.
Because emotions tend to overcome reason more often than you’d like, and when
that happens, you need a little reassurance to get your thoughts back on track. If
you haven’t already I suggest you go through that report – it will make a world of
difference to your current situation.
4. Can this still work if you’ve messed up and begged?
Absolutely. What you need to realize is that almost all guys “mess up” and “beg”
when their girls initiate a breakup. Don’t feel bad about this. However, that
doesn’t let you off the hook. Messing up in this sort of way is very damaging…
make no mistake about it. And every time if you mess up and beg, you’re
decreasing your chances of making this work.
However, what’s done is done. You can’t go back into the past to correct those
mistakes. But what you can do is avoid making them in the future. And let me tell
you a little secret… if you’ve messed up somewhat in the beginning of your
breakup (before you got your hands on this book) and you switch things up
according to the advice given here, these “mistakes” can actually work in your
favor.
Why?
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It’s simple. Nothing turns a woman off more than neediness. However, in some
twisted manner they enjoy the attention… even if it’s just a little bit. It feeds their
ego. In fact, this applies to people in general not just women. No matter how
much we are annoyed by “extra attention” deep down inside… we like it.
Now what do you think is going to happen if you go from giving her all that
attention to giving her none from one day to the next? Take some time to think
about that.
5. Is there still a chance if she’s talking about seeing
someone else?
Yes, there’s definitely still a chance and there are two things to consider here:
1. Is she telling you this to get a reaction out of you?
2. If you can’t answer yes to the above question, know that even if she does
end up seeing someone else, this doesn’t “kill” your chances of getting her
back – it just makes the process longer
Let’s tackle the first point. It’s very possible that your girl broke up with you to
test you. Don’t rule this out because it happens. If your relationship falls into the
category where you didn’t give her enough attention, this may very well be her
reaction to that.
In this case her breaking up with you could be her way of saying, “Look, I’m
giving you one last chance… now’s the time to either step things up or lose me
altogether.” And that’s the reason I made you analyze your entire relationship
before I went into specific “tactics”.
If she’s really doing this to test you, you need to back off like I wrote about before,
but once you get your “foot in the door” you need to start taking immediate action
to correct this problem.
How can you ultimately know if she’s testing you? Again, you’ll find the answer to
that by going over your relationship with a fine toothed comb. For example, how
old is she? Is she in her late 20’s or early 30’s? Are all of her friends married or
have you been going to a lot of weddings lately?
What you need to understand is that women are always, always analyzing their
relationship every step of the way to make sure that you’re going to follow
through on that “promise” we talked about earlier.
However, when you take the above mentioned points into consideration
(marriageable age, many friends that are married, and/or attending a lot of
weddings lately) this creates an overwhelming sense of urgency in them.
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I believe that this is one of the two stages in a woman’s life where she goes
absolutely “crazy” (the second being menopause). Why? Because her biological
clock is ticking and she’s starting to panic. We’re fortunate enough not to know
what that’s like, but for them this is a complete nightmare.
And women seem to have this “2 year rule”. That is, they feel that they need to be
with someone for 2 years before they can have kids with them. The first year they
get to know them, then they get married, and around the second one they have
the baby.
Now keep in mind that things don’t always work out this way but that doesn’t
mean that the “2 year rule” doesn’t dominate their thoughts. And in today’s
society (with all its scientific advancements) 35 seems to be the general cutoff
point in a woman’s mind about having kids. So the closer she gets to this number
the more frantic she becomes in finding someone that can make her (and keep)
that promise.
Think about it.
Now if this is not your case in the least, let’s move on to the second point. If you
honestly believe that she’s not just trying to get a reaction out of you, and she’s
dead serious about seeing someone else and does end up seeing that someone,
you still have chances.
What this does is it draws out the whole process, but it doesn’t kill it entirely. You
just have to let her do what she wants to do and stick to your plan throughout
this. And just to let you know, her seeing someone else could also work in your
favor as you’ll see in the answer to the next question.
6. Is the new person she’s dating a “rebound”? How can I
know this?
By definition every new person your girl dates after breaking up with you is a
rebound. Girls are “infamous” for pursuing these after a breakup. But the real
question is, “should you be alarmed that this will turn into something more?”
And the answer is yes and NO. There’s always a possibility that this could turn
out to be the love of her life and only time will tell. However, experience has
shown me that this is not the case. If you’ve been together with this girl for a
while, the chances of her getting into another long term relationship right after
she breaks up with you are slim. And the sooner she goes into it the slimmer the
chances become.
Why?
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Because women frequently date someone new just after a breakup to subdue that
loneliness they feel. Think about it. If she’s been with you for a while she’s used to
having someone in her life. And although things took a wrong turn somewhere
along the line and she doesn’t feel she can be with you, she still misses that
feeling of having someone being there for her.
And when she dates again that’s what she’s longing for: someone to be there for
her. The problem is (for her) that she’s trying to find that in someone she doesn’t
know and who doesn’t know her. And in many cases it leads to disappointment
because it takes time to build up a connection between two people. And during
this time she’ll feel that “void” that the new guy can’t fill.
Why do you think it’s so common for women to insist that you remain “friends”
with them after they break up with you? To cushion their fall and to have
someone around when they feel lonely.
So how can this work in your favor?
For one, she’s going to be comparing this guy to you every step of the way and
taking down mental notes about everything he has that you don’t but also
everything he doesn’t have that you do. The latter is very important.
Everything new in our lives is a form of excitement. And we always build up our
hopes about something new. However when that shiny new thing becomes
older… reality sinks in. If this guy turns out to be a part of the male reproductive
anatomy… or to put it bluntly: a dick, this only works in your favor.
Why? Because it makes her realize what a good thing she had and what she
ultimately lost.
But make no mistake about it… if you remain friends with your ex while she’s
dating someone else and you give her the go ahead to call you anytime she needs
you, what do you think is going to happen? You’re going to fill that void until the
other guy can take over. You’ll literally transition her from you to him.
That’s why you never want to tell your girl that you love her and that you’ll always
be there for her, especially if she’s dating someone else. Don’t give her options…
give her an (unspoken) ultimatum. Because if you do give her options, you can be
sure that she’ll take her time to weigh which is the best one – for her, not for you!
7. What should I do if we’re having repeated breakups?
If you’re going into and out of this relationship you have to immediately take a
step back and think about why this is happening. I know the advice is a little bit
generic here but you have to pinpoint exactly what’s causing this.
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Look, eventually either you or she will get tired of this and the relationship will
die off completely. I don’t think you want this. So as generic is the advice may
sound… follow it. And if you’ve pinpointed the problem but still can’t overcome it,
then I would think that it’s best for both of you to cut your losses.
What you’re trying to achieve when you get in a relationship with a person is
happiness. And as much as you probably don’t want to hear this right now, if you
find that happiness without this girl or while being with a different girl
altogether… then so be it.
One last thing… if a third party (e.g. an ex-boyfriend) is the root of this problem,
then please read over the case studies included in this package because there’s
one in there that deals with this exact situation (Case Study #2).
8. What should I do if she cheated on me?
If your girlfriend cheated on you and then broke up with you… getting her back
shouldn’t be your primary concern. What you should be asking is, “Will she cheat
on me again if we end up back together?” Everyone makes mistakes. God knows
I have!
However, and I’m not saying this to discourage you, if she cheated once, she’s
likely to cheat again. Of course, there are always exceptions. The question is, are
you willing to give her another chance and to take on that risk again? That’s
something to really think about.
Also make sure that your desire to be with her right now isn’t solely out of that
desperation a breakup brings about plus the desperation that infidelity adds to
that. If that’s not your case then you should proceed with this in the same way
you would if she hadn’t cheated on you.
9. What should I do if I cheated on her?
Admittedly, this is a tough spot to be in and you have your work cut out for you,
however, all hope is not lost. You’ve broken her trust in a major way and that
“promise” you made her went right out the window.
However, this case should be handled like any other typical breakup (i.e use NC
where applicable – if not applicable employ one of the other four approaches).
The only thing that changes here is that you’ll be faced with an uphill battle due
to your infidelities. This will always come back to haunt you in some way, shape,
or form and you have to be calm about it when it does.
Never try to defend yourself when she brings it up. Just agree with her. After all,
there’s no excuse for cheating (not even being drunk!). But don’t take what I say
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to heart. I’ve been in your shoes as well and I’m guilty of doing the unthinkable.
We’re both human after all, right?
With that being said, what makes your situation somewhat different than a
typical relationship is that you’ll need to apply an “extra” amount of patience
while she’s coming around. And “extra” here is an understatement… but I’m sure
you already knew that ;)
10. Should I date during this breakup?
This is a very good question and there is no right or wrong answer. Look, it
ultimately comes down to what you really want. If you’ve just broken up with
your ex and you also happen to have met someone new at the same time… and
feel that this new person could turn out to be something you’d like to pursue
further… then by all means, go ahead and date them.
However, there’s one thing you should be clear on: depending on your
circumstances this could decrease (or sometimes increase) your chances of
getting back together with your ex. So what that in mind, if you are thinking of
dating someone just to make your ex jealous, then if you ask me… no, you
shouldn’t date. Don’t try to play games with her because you’re most likely not in
a position to handle losing – and there’s a very good chance you will “lose” if you
take this approach.
On the other hand (and like I wrote above), if you truly want to get to know
someone you’ve just met on a higher level, and your decision has absolutely
nothing to do with your ex (or your chances of getting her back)… then again, by
all means, go ahead and get to know them better.
Now, here’s when you definitely should not date someone else:
•
If you’re on a “break” with your ex and not an official breakup
•
Any other situation where you’ve been advised to use the LAC approach
but you are officially broken up
Concerning the former point, if you’re still together with this girl, dating someone
else will, in most cases, bring about an official breakup. However, here’s the
exception to this: if you’re on a break and she’s dating someone else… then by all
means go ahead and date (but only if you truly want to – don’t date to make her
jealous or “get even”).
Concerning the latter point, again, in most cases this will drastically diminish
your chances of getting her back and again. The only exception to this is if she’s
dating someone else.
And finally, here’s when you definitely should date someone else:
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•
If she’s already dating someone else and you’re worried that if you do the
same it will diminish your chances of getting her back (and your situation
doesn’t fit the above)
If that happens to be the case, then cast your worries aside. If she’s moving on to
someone else (no matter how transient this move may turn out to be) then don’t
be afraid to do the same. I believe in equality between couples in relationships
and what applies to one person should apply to other. So if these are your
circumstances get out there and meet somebody.
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X. The Relationship Repair “Master Plan”
Mindmaps
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XI. Conclusion
We’ve come to an end. It’s been quite a ride, both by going through this breakup,
and building up the courage to put my thoughts out to the world. I hope this book
serves as your source of inspiration and gets you back together with your
girlfriend in no time.
But it’s up to you. It’s entirely up to you how you choose to use this information.
If there’s one final thought I wish to impart on you, it’s this:
You need to take action… right now.
Action, combined with education and persistence, are “weapons” of paramount
significance in obtaining your goal.
You’ve got a tough challenge lying ahead of you, but I know you’re going to
overcome it. Just be sure to refer to the lessons laid out in this book when things
start to get rough and surely you’ll pull through.
To Your Relationship,
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XII. Recommended Resources
1. How To Bounce Back From A Breakup In 21 Days
What’s the single most important factor that determines whether or not you get
your girlfriend back?
MINDSET… the right one. It’s the one thing that separates the guys who
succeed in saving their relationships from the guys that don’t.
But getting in this right state of mind (and staying there) is quite a challenge.
Logic easily gives way to the overpowering emotions that arise from the breakup.
In fact, there are very few men capable of maintaining complete control over their
feelings during this time.
Fortunately, now there’s a way for everyone to overcome this obstacle and
drastically improve their chances of getting a girl back.
Click here for more information…
2. The Makeup Board Men’s-Only Relationship Repair Community
Going through a breakup is hard enough but going through it alone is virtually
impossible. Sadly, that’s what ends up happening to most men. Sooner than later
their friends tell them to “just get over it and move on” leaving them to deal with
the pain on their own.
That’s exactly why I created this exclusive community: so you can get all the
help and personal attention you need from guys that understand
you… guys that are with you in struggle.
With over 2,000 members worldwide (and growing strong) you’re never left
alone to deal with the “breakup blues”. Whether you just want someone to listen
or in-depth advice, this community is a must-have resource when you’re
attempting to save your relationship.
Click here for more information… BUT DO NOT SIGN UP THROUGH
THE LINK ON THE WEBSITE!
INSTEAD…
CLICK HERE TO START YOUR FREE TRIAL!
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3. How To Get Her Back For Good - the Audio Book
Prefer listening over reading?
If so, then here’s some good news: you can get this book in audio format (MP3) to
burn to your iPod or a CD and listen to it anywhere you go.
Click here to grab your copy…
4. How To Get Her Back For Good - the Physical Book
Hate reading on a computer screen?
If so, then click here to get a professionally printed & bound copy of this book
sent to your home (in a discreet envelope for maximum privacy).
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