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Women Playing Hamlet
(A Comedy About A Tragedy By)
William Missouri Downs
Agent: Patricia McLaughlin
Beacon Artist Agency
1501 Broadway #1200
New York, New York 10036
(212) 736-6630
[email protected]
William Missouri Downs
(307) 221 01149
437 Buchanan Court East
Gulf Shores, AL 36542
[email protected]
Copyright 2014
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(4 women)
In Shakespeare’s day men played women’s roles; in this play the women play the men’s roles.
JESSICA
(Late 20s - An actress attractive, quirky, smart)
ACTRESS #1
Gwen (Female, an middle aged acting coach)
Humanities Professor (Male, overconfident)
Ghost (Male, Hamlet’s father)
ACTRESS #2
A Young Actress (Female, works at Starbucks)
Father Jorgensen (Male, Catholic Priest, celibate)
Messenger (Male, on a bicycle)
Emily Ostergaard (Girl, Jessica’s computer-geek Niece)
Toothless Barfly (Female, alcoholic)
Home Shopping Network Model (Female, bubbly)
Rosy (Female, a young soap opera starlet)
ACTRESS #3
Lord Derby (Male, English Shakespeare scholar)
Minnesota Mother (Female, Jessica’s mother)
Dr. Feltenberg (Male, A Jewish Freudian psychiatrist)
Bartender (Male, rough, tough and tattooed)
Home Shopping Network Hostess (Female, bubbly)
Gilda (Female, grand dame soap opera star)
Gravedigger (Male, A Cockney pun-master)
Stage Manager (Female, an off stage voice)
PLEASE NOTE: This play can be staged with a much larger cast, but women
must play all the male roles.
TIME & SETTING: This play (like Shakespeare’s plays) uses verbal scene
painting to suggest locations. In fact it’s only a stage. Ladders, platforms, flats,
trash bins, costume racks and rehearsal furniture litter the floor, above a
rainbow of Fresnels shine down on a ghost light.
POWER POINT: A projection screen is used for Power Point presentations.
Women Playing Hamlet
(Act One)
(Lights up on JESSICA, 29, an actress. She’s
attractive, quirky, smart and quick with a
smile, but she can’t tell a joke.)
JESSICA
(To the audience)
Knock-knock. (Improvising with the audience) Go ahead. Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hamlet.
Hamlet who?
AUDIENCE
JESSICA
AUDIENCE
JESSICA
Hamlet let the dogs out! Woof, woof woof woof...1 (Beat, she loses confidence in the
bit) I don't know if you noticed this or not, but I’m not good at telling jokes. Want to
hear another? Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Jessica.
Jessica who?
AUDIENCE
JESSICA
AUDIENCE
JESSICA
Jessica an actress-who-has-just-been-cast-as-Hamlet-even-though-I-auditioned-forOphelia-but-I-accepted-the-role-even-though-I’m-sure-I’m-going-to-make-a-total-assof-myself! (Beat) The truth… I can’t play Hamlet because I have a mental block when
it comes to Shakespeare. I was traumatized by the Bard. It’s true. It happened a few
weeks ago when my fourteen-year-old niece visited New York City from Minnesota. I
took her to a production of Hamlet.
1
Sung to “Who Let The Dogs Out” by Baha Men
(Act One) 2
(The Power Point lights up with a picture of
Emily, Jessica’s super geeky, computer nerd,
fourteen-year-old niece.)
EMILY OSTERGAARD
(Loves ice fishing,
the Minnesota Twins,
darts, duck hunting,
pulled pork and Grand
Theft Auto.)
Niece’s Nerdy
Photo
JESSICA
(To audience)
She’d only seen one play in her life. I thought, she’s a bright kid, won numerous
spelling bees, she’ll get Hamlet. Had a friend in the cast who scored me perfect
opening night comp tickets, second row dead center. (To an audience member) Right
where you’re sitting. The production starred Patrick Stewart as King Claudius.
Golden Globe
Blockbuster
Entertainment
Award
Patrick Stewart
JESSICA
(To audience)
Two minutes before the Director bounces up on stage to give the curtain speech. She
tells us that she’s decided to do Hamlet the way Shakespeare intended – No
intermissions! Then she invites us to an opening night Danish fondue reception in the
lobby after the show--. “Four hours from now.” Danish fondue, in case you were
wondering:
(She points at the screen.)
Danish Fondue:
!
!
!
!
!
Butter
Bacon
Gouda cheese
Havarti cheese
Hamm’s Beer
(Act One) 3
JESSICA
(To audience)
Twenty minutes in my niece begins to fidget. At the forty-five minute mark she
whispers, “I gotta check my messages.” But before I could stop her she climbs over
the pile of patrons and disappears up the aisle.
JESSICA
(To audience)
Five minutes go by, I start to worry. Ten. I can’t leave – Second row dead center.
Fifteen minutes. What could I do? She’s by herself in the lobby with, like, ushers and
perverts. So, slowly and inconspicuously, I bury my totally muted I-phone deep in my
winter coat where no one could possibly ever see it. And I text the letter “R”, the letter
“U” and the letters “OK”. She texted back…
(She points to the screen.)
“I thought you
said Hamlet was
better than Cats.”
JESSICA
(To audience)
I text, “It’s a complicated play, you have to think.” She texted…
“Okay, answer me
this; if death is
an undiscovered
country where no
traveler returns,
why is there a
ghost in the
play?”
JESSICA
(To audience)
I text, “Listen you little brat, get your ass back in this theatre! Don’t be like your
mother who has the concentration of a gnat. Who never enjoyed the arts or a
meaningful lasting relationship.” She texted backed…
(Act One) 4
“I want to laugh.
Let’s go see
Clueless: The
musical.”
P.S.
JESSICA
“P.S. Gnat is
spelled with a
“G.”
JESSICA
I text, “Don’t you get it – to understand Hamlet is to laugh at the absurdity of life.
(Growing self absorbed) For at the moment we laugh we defeat the absurdity, but only
for a moment - For when we laugh with Hamlet about the incongruity of society, of
politics, of death, of love, the absurdity lingers. An ironic laugh momentarily sets us
free but is never as funny the second, or the twentieth time around. Laughter is merely
a temporary solution to an eternal problem and Hamlet knows that.” (Beat) But before
I could hit send, I noticed that the theatre had gone strangely quiet. As a matter of fact,
all the actors had stopped. And then Patrick Stewart…
Golden Globe
Blockbuster
Entertainment
Award
Patrick Stewart
JESSICA
…Stepped down, dead-center, looked right at me and said, “Young lady, you are an
immature, rude, little twit.” (Tears) …And somewhere in the recesses of my brain it
occurred to me… These are not lines from Hamlet. (Beat.) In the taxi on the way
home, after a silence that lasted well into Brooklyn, my niece finished her doggy bag
of Danish fondue and said, “Can I put on my Facebook page that you were yelled at
by Captain Picard?”
(She pulls herself together.)
(Act One) 5
JESSICA
That night my cell phone rang. I couldn’t believe it. The caller I.D. said it was from
Patrick Stewart. How did he get my number? He’s called me three times since. I’ve
never answered. (Beat) Here’s what my old college English professor said when he
found out I was playing Hamlet.
(An ENGLISH PROFESSOR played by a
woman enters.)
MALE HUMANITIES PROFESSOR
(Lecturing the audience)
It is obvious that Shakespeare intended Hamlet to be played by a woman. Note that
lacking masculine virility, Hamlet uses qualities that are associated with the female of
the species.
(He clicks a clicker - The Power Point screen
lights up.)
SARAH BERNHARDT
as Hamlet
(1900)
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR
Qualities such as compassion, diplomacy, and the ability to talk for long periods even
when it’s obvious that absolutely no one is listening.
He was an asshole.
JESSICA
(To the audience)
(He clicks the clicker:)
DAME JUDITH ANDERSON
as Hamlet
(1971)
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR
Also note that Hamlet does not directly seek revenge against King Claudius, but first
makes him suffer - What’s more feminine then this?
(Act One) 6
JESSICA
(To the audience)
My freshman year he tried to feel me up after a lecture on Beowulf - Asked me to stay
after class cause he said I had unique insights into Anglo-Saxon Lit. Walked right into
it. I didn’t yet know that no one has ever had unique insights into Anglo-Saxon Lit.
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR
Hamlet is after all a waffling neurotic who is prone to fits of melancholia and violence
– who better to play him than a woman.
JESSICA
(To the audience)
Have you ever noticed that humanities professors lead sad unfulfilled lives? I’m okay
with that.
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR
This is why so many less than manly men are attracted to the role. Such as Jude Law.2
(He clicks a clicker:)
JUDE LAW
as Hamlet
(2008)
(The PROFESSOR exits. The power point
fades.)
(The PROFESSOR exits.)
JESSICA
(To the audience)
As you might’ve already guessed all the male roles tonight will be played by women.
In Shakespeare’s day women’s parts were played by men so tonight we’ll have a little
revenge - After all it is Hamlet.
Verbal Scene
Painting
2
When this reference becomes outdated please feel free to update.
(Act One) 7
JESSICA
(To the audience)
Not only will women play all the men’s roles but also we’ll use Shakespeare’s own
staging technique known as Verbal Scene Painting. Shakespeare didn’t stage his plays
on elaborate sets, instead his characters verbally described the location at the
beginning of scenes thereby appealing to the audience’s imagination. Here’s how it
works.
(An ACTRESS enters holding a Starbucks
cup.)
STARBUCKS ACTRESS
This Starbucks hath a pleasant seat; the air nimbly and sweetly recommends itself unto
our gentle senses.3
JESSICA
(To the audience)
And so we’re at a Starbucks. In addition any thing I don’t have time to tell you will
appear on the screen.
(The Power Point lights up:)
BETTY ASHLAND
(Actress)
Starbucks
Employee of
the month
MFA in Acting
From the
University of
Illinois
JESSICA
(To the audience)
I know what you’re thinking - Shakespeare didn’t have Power Point. He was born 426
years before it was invented, but if Power Point had been around I think he would’ve
used it.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS
(To Jessica)
Wait, let me get my brain around this - You were cast as Hamlet?
JESSICA
(To the audience)
This is my friend Betty. We both work at Starbucks. And we both have MFAs in
acting.
(The Power Point lights up:)
3
Macbeth Act I, Scene vi
(Act One) 8
M.F.A.
Masters Of Fine Arts
JESSICA
(To the audience)
I used to think the degree meant something until I found out that every employee at
Starbucks has an MFA in acting. Universities today hand them out like beads at Mardi
Gras.
Hamlet not Ophelia?
Yes.
Hamlet was written for a man.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS
JESSICA
STARBUCKS ACTRESS
JESSICA
Yes, but hundreds of women have played the part.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS
Not only are you the wrong sex, but you’re too young.
Hamlet’s thirty. I’m twenty-nine.
JESSICA
STARBUCKS ACTRESS
Olivier didn’t get it right until he was forty-one. Richard Burton thirty-nine. Gielgud
thirty-four. And God-forbid, Mel Gibson forty-four.
So I’ve got to wait five years.
JESSICA
STARBUCKS ACTRESS
Fifteen – You’re more of a Gibson than a Gielgud.
JESSICA
I was just looking for a friend - Someone to share the good news with.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS
You don’t need a friend, you need a miracle.
(STARBUCKS ACTRESS exits.)
(Act One) 9
So I did the only thing I could do--.
A miracle!
JESSICA
(To the audience)
STARBUCKS ACTRESS
(Yelling from off)
JESSICA
Yeah, I got it! (Back to the audience) Knowing that I was going to blow it--.
It’s hopeless!
STARBUCKS ACTRESS
(Yelling from off)
JESSICA
Shut up and bring me my overpriced caffeine! (She takes a breath and goes back to
the audience) I contacted Lord Sebastian Derby the greatest living Shakespeare
scholar. After several e-mail attempts he actually agreed to meet me for a “spot” of
tea.
(LORD DERBY a proper English scholar
steps forward wearing a bow tie. Again,
played by a woman. The Power Point lights
up:)
LORD SEBASTIAN DERBY V
Author of “A Critical
Study of Hamlet”
&
Derby’s
Headshot
“Hamlet: The Cliff
Notes” – Anonymous.
LORD DERBY
(Verbal scene painting)
There is no Hotel like the Carlyle. Brilliantly positioned on Manhattan's Upper East
Side overlooking Central Park. It’s a true New York City landmark.
JESSICA
(Aside, to the audience)
We’re at the Carlyle Hotel, New York - You catch on quick.
LORD DERBY
It is the greatest hotel in the world just as Hamlet is the greatest literary work ever
composed. It is transcendent ecstasy! Do you know what transcendent ecstasy is?
JESSICA
Are we talking about Hamlet or the hotel?
(Act One) 10
LORD DERBY
Both! It is acoustic memories of a pre-verbal existence that wakes the intuitive,
sympathetic vulnerable parts of our soul.
JESSICA
I don’t know what that means but okay--.
Do you love Hamlet?
LORD DERBY
JESSICA
Sure. But to be honest, I like lots of plays - Everything from Shakespeare to Simon--.
Simon?
Neil Simon.
LORD DERBY
JESSICA
LORD DERBY
Stop! You’ve just committed the greatest sin one can commit!
How?
JESSICA
LORD DERBY
You mentioned William Shakespeare and Neil Simon in the same sentence!
Mr. Derby--.
Lord.
JESSICA
LORD DERBY
JESSICA
Lord Derby, you got to admit that watching most theatre companies productions of
Hamlet is like sitting in the middle seat on a really really really long flight. (To the
audience) I’m right, right?
LORD DERBY
Those who do not love Hamlet should be transported to the rural areas. There they
should be provided basic shelter, tools, and a plot of land so that they may eke out
their middle-class mediocrity without infecting society.
Isn’t that kind a harsh?
JESSICA
LORD DERBY
Quarantine is the only answer less we degrade the gene pool! Hamlet is the master’s
masterpiece! It is Yahweh, Mount Everest and Big Ben wrapped up in one. Hamlet is
orgasmic! I tell you or-gas-mic!
(He has a little lordly orgasm.)
(Act One) 11
Ooooo, I’m tingly.
LORD DERBY
(LORD DERBY exits.)
JESSICA
(To the audience)
Okay maybe he didn’t say exactly those words but it’s close.
Orgasmic!
LORD DERBY
(Yelling from off)
JESSICA
Yes, we heard you. (To the audience) And in fact he didn’t really have an orgasm--.
Yes I did!
LORD DERBY
(Yelling from off)
JESSICA
As my mother back in Minnesota used to say, I was in a pickle.
(LORD DERBY reenters.)
LORD DERBY
And one more thing! You’re too young! Sarah Bernhardt was fifty-five when she
played the role. Dame Judith Anderson didn’t play Hamlet until she was seventy-two.
A seventy-two year old Hamlet?
What’s wrong with that?
JESSICA
LORD DERBY
JESSICA
How old was the actor playing King Claudius – A hundred-and-thirty?
LORD DERBY
This is the paradox of Hamlet - Those who are young enough to play him are too
immature to understand him. And those that are mature enough to understand him are
too old to remember their lines.
(LORD DERBY exits.)
JESSICA
(To the audience)
Then I found this in Backstage Magazine:
(Act One) 12
GWEN DORWAY
Tony Award Nominated
Acting Coach
Shakespeare Specialist
Gwen’s
Headshot
Call 212 - Theatre
JESSICA
Wouldn’t have done it, but I looked her up on the web and buried deep in her
Wikipedia page I found this:
“Gwen Dorway played
Hamlet to excellent
reviews. The play
closed after one
performance.”
JESSICA
“…Closed after one performance.” I had to find out what that was about. We arranged
to meet on stage before the first rehearsal.
(The Power Point fades. JESSICA takes center
stage.)
(PLEASE NOTE: JESSICA has a gift for
words. With a little self-knowledge, she in fact
could play Hamlet.)
JESSICA
(By herself)
“To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the
slings and arrows of outrageous --.” Crap! (Panicked) I suck! I really really suck. God,
I need a smoke.
(She digs into her backpack.)
Where’s my Nicorette?
JESSICA
(She pops in Nicorette, chews for a moment
and tries again.)
JESSICA
“To be or not to be--.” Shit. Why was I cast? (Closing her eyes and tilting her face
towards heaven – rapid fire) Ms. Forsyth, where ever you are, hell, or limbo, or where
ever callous old-fart high school drama teachers go when they stroke-out in front of
the entire class, I-swear-we-didn’t-call-911-because-we-really-did-think-you-wereleading-us-in-a-relaxation-exercise. I just want you to know that I forgive you for not
casting me – Cause you were right, I suck--. I really really suck.
(Act One) 13
So what are you going to do about it?
GWEN
(From the darkened auditorium)
JESSICA
(Shielding her eyes from the lights)
Ms. Dorway? How long have you been…?
Long enough.
GWEN
(During the following GWEN steps from the
auditorium. She’s a vehement, menopausal
acting coach who loves the sound of her voice
almost as much as she loves long elegant
scarves.)
GWEN
My acting teacher, the great Stella Adler, said, life crushes your soul - theatre reminds
you, you have one--!4 Résumé!
Got one right here.
JESSICA
(JESSICA hands GWEN a headshot/résumé.)
Jessica Bisset.
Stage name.
Real name?
Ostergaard.
You look familiar.
GWEN
(Studying the résumé)
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
I get that sometimes. I played Rachael Buttonhole on The Young and the Restless.5
Buttonhole?
4
5
GWEN
Paraphrasing Stella Adler
When this reference becomes outdated please feel free to update.
(Act One) 14
JESSICA
I was on the show for fifteen weeks – Wish’it’had been longer - Could’ve used the
money.
GWEN
Wait. Buttonhole. Was she Victor Newman’s fun-loving but conniving love interest,
the one who died when she “accidentally” fell from that Grand Canyon viewing
platform?
JESSICA
That was me. The producers wanted to bring me back but said they kind of wrote
themselves into a corner when they had my remains eaten by wolves.
GWEN
No, that’s not it; I’ve seen you someplace recently.
JESSICA
I’m also in the new Quentin Tarantino movie. Was Prostitute Number Three. But I
don’t think you’d remember me from that.
Why not?
GWEN
JESSICA
I was thrown from the George Washington Bridge during the opening credits. Long
shot. Even my mother didn’t know it was me.
Warm up.
GWEN
(During the following JESSICA warms up by
performing a series of stretches and shoulder
rolls.)
You come highly recommended.
Yes, I know.
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
And that Tony nomination, what, twenty-five years ago, impressive.
Two nominations two years in a row!
Oh, read that it was just one.
And where did you read this?
Wikipedia.
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
(Act One) 15
GWEN
Well if you got it from Wikipedia it must be true! Place your middle knuckle in your
mouth and bite, thus!
(During the following JESSICA does as
GWEN instructs.)
GWEN
Repeat after me – the Hamstrung Hamlet Hung His Hat in the Hall.
JESSICA
(Knuckle in)
The Hamstrung Hamlet Hung His Hat in the Hall.
Are you chewing gum?
Nicorette.
GWEN
JESSICA
(GWEN grabs a small wastebasket and holds it
up to JESSICA’S mouth.)
De-Nicor-ate!
GWEN
(GWEN spits out the wad of gum.)
Again!
GWEN
JESSICA
(Knuckle in)
The Hamstrung Hamlet Hung His Hat in the Hall.
Remove your knuckle.
GWEN
JESSICA
Brought a script. Would you like me to--?
First business.
GWEN
JESSICA
Oh, of course. Fifty dollars an hour, right?
GWEN
For level one. For level two it’s one hundred per hour.
The difference?
JESSICA
(Act One) 16
GWEN
At level one I will build up your self-confidence, I will convince you that you are
prefect person to play Hamlet. You will walk into every rehearsal and performance
knowing that nothing can stop you!
Wow. And level two?
I will tell you the truth.
JESSICA
GWEN
(JESSICA considers this for a moment.)
…Level two.
We’re sure?
Yes. Level two.
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
Okay. Begin. Who are you and what do you have in common with Hamlet?
(GWEN pulls the ghost light to the side.)
JESSICA
(To the audience)
What do I have in common with a four hundred year old fictional character? One thing
and one thing only - My mother married my uncle just like Hamlet’s mother marries
Hamlet’s uncle Claudius. It’s true. She told me at my father’s funeral.
(Holy organ music. Light from a stained glass
window lights the floor.)
In loving memory of
BUD OSTERGAARD
(Loved ice fishing,
the Minnesota
Twins, darts, duck
hunting, pulled
pork and Marlboros)
Jessica’s
Father
(FATHER JORGENSEN enters eating a
muffin. They both stand before the unseen
casket of JESSICA’S father.)
(Act One) 17
FATHER JORGENSEN
(Verbal scene painting)
Here we are at St. Genesius of the Sorrowful Virgin - A charming church located in
the suburbs of the Twin Cities. Its sublime stained glass windows add a touch of color
in these times of darkness. Don’t you agree?
JESSICA
Yes. (Aside, to the audience) We’re in a church.
So sorry about your loss.
Thank you father.
Your Daddy was a good man.
Yes.
But now he is gone.
True.
Departed.
Yes.
Dead.
Yes.
Death.
Your point?
FATHER JORGENSEN
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
“The undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveller returns…”
Ah. Hamlet.
JESSICA
(Act One) 18
FATHER JORGENSEN
“...Puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that
we know not of…”6
You speak The Bard well.
I have an MFA in acting.
…Really?
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
Wanted to be an actor but then the Lord did call--.
Did he now.
Ah! Here comes your mother.
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
(JESSICA’S MOTHER enters. She’s
Minnesota nice.)
Mom.
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
(Thick Minnesota accent)
Oooo. My sweet little Jessie. So happy ya showed.
JESSICA
Mom, it’s Dad’s funeral, of course I showed.
MINNESOTA MOTHER
It’s just that you’re so busy with that acting thing you got going there--. Father
Jorgensen, you’ve met my daughter. She has a huge role in the soon to be released
Quentin Tarantino movie.
Mom--.
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
She’s co-starring with Leonardo DiCaprio. Tell’em all about it.
JESSICA
I’m not exactly co-starring--. (Changing the subject) Mom, I wrote a little speech--.
6
Hamlet - Act III, scene i
(Act One) 19
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Now don’t get defensive like you always do, but I asked Father Jorgensen here to give
the eulogy - He has an MFA in acting.
So do I.
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Yeah but his is from Yale, dontcha know.
Yale?
Yes. The big one.
Not too shabby, huh?
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
(Confident)
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
Sure. But an MFA in acting from the University of Minnesota is nothing to scoff at.
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Yeah, but it’s no Yale. Father Jorgensen if you don’t mind I need to have a word with
my daughter in private. Is there a place we could talk?
There’s the coat closet.
That’d do just fine.
FATHER JORGENSEN
(Pointing)
MINNESOTA MOTHER
FATHER JORGENSEN
Did you bring the cheesy mashed potatoes?
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Wouldn’t leave home without’em. They’re in the cooler beside the trout cakes.
(FATHER JORGENSEN exits. JESSICA and
MOTHER step into a small closet - A rack of
leftover costumes becomes the closet.)
MINNESOTA MOTHER
(Verbal scene painting)
My goodness this closet is tiny. The dark paneled walls are scarred with the mark of
time and neglect.
(JESSICA mouths to the audience, “we’re in a
closet.”)
(Act One) 20
MINNESOTA MOTHER
While the linoleum floor has been worn down with the souls (soles) of so many
faithful that’ve come before. Above, darkness beteems the ceiling--.
Mom, what did you want to tell me?
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Almost done – Above, darkness beteems the ceiling with a sorrowful reflection of
decay and death. Okay. So. You see it’s like this. We’re going to finish up here and
then we’re going to take the cooler over to your Uncle Wayne’s boat for a special
announcement.
Announcement?
Wait. You sound odd.
Odd?
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
You’re talkin’ kinda funny there aren’t-cha.
This is how I talk.
No, you sound different.
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
Mom, I’ve had speech training. I’ve lost my Minnesota accent.
MINNESOTA MOTHER
You didn’t have an accent. You talked just fine. All the world’s got an accent, not
Minnesotans.
JESSICA
It’s taken me months of training but I now speak what’s called Standard American.
There’s nothing standard about it.
Mom, what do you need to tell me?
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Are you emotionally capable of handling it?
I don’t know until I hear it.
JESSICA
(Act One) 21
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Oh heck, Jessie, I got myself in a pickle. I’m in love with Wayne.
Wayne?
Yes, Wayne.
Do you mean Uncle Shorty?
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Wayne and I have been deeply in love for a decade. And now that your father is…
is… no longer in the picture.
Mom, he’s not even in the ground!
True, but it won’t be long now.
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
You’re not announcing that you’re getting married?
That’s not it.
Oh thank god.
Cause we got married last night.
Mom!
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Father Jorgensen saw that we were… rather enthusiastic for each other, and that he’d
better just go ahead and get us conjugaled before we committed a mortal sin.
JESSICA
Mom, I don’t know what to say. I’m… I’m…
Happy for us?
Disappointed!
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
(Act One) 22
In Wayne?
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
In both of you--! Oh my god! This is so embarrassing.
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Oh for cripes sake, who would’ve thought, my daughter, the theatre major, who’s
always preaching to the neighbors about same-sex marriage. They just want to rake
their stupid leaves but you gotta be out there talkin’ about how your friends should be
able to marry a goat if they want to--!
I never said anything about goats--!
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Would be so closed minded as to deny her mother happiness!
JESSICA
Mom, marry Shorty if you want, but wait a while.
MINNESOTA MOTHER
How long, how long do you want us to wait? Give me a time frame.
A year?
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
I could be as dead as your father in a year. Life’s transitory, dontcha know!
Did you have any feelings for Dad?
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
All kinds of feelings. But not like what I got for Wayne. We made love last night and
it was pretty darn good.
JESSICA
Oh my god! I’m not going to stand in a closet at my father’s funeral discussing my
mother’s sex life!
What would you like to talk about?
Dad!
MINNESOTA MOTHER
JESSICA
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Sex with him, not so good. That pill he took didn’t work for four minutes let alone
four hours, dontcha know.
I’m not doing this.
JESSICA
(Act One) 23
(JESSICA exits the closet. MOTHER follows.
FATHER JORGENSEN enters eating a
banana.)
FATHER JORGENSEN
I couldn’t find the cheesy mash so I absconded with a banana I hope that’s okay.
Yeah, sure, you betcha.
MINNESOTA MOTHER
FATHER JORGENSEN
Ya-know you’re not supposed to put bananas in the cooler.
MINNESOTA MOTHER
Oh heck. Wayne doesn’t know nothin’ about food. Let me get that fixed right away.
(Screaming off) Wayne! You put the bananas in the cooler again - Told you not to do
that!
(MOTHER exits.)
JESSICA
(Pissed)
You… You married my mother to my uncle two days after my father’s death?
FATHER JORGENSEN
If we’re going to talk we should go back in the closet.
No! I’m not going in the closet!
I sense in you a philosophical vacuum.
What? No.
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
(With deep fatherly understanding)
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
In fact you’re looking for the immutable essence of self.
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Your soul.
…Well. …Sure. Who isn’t?
JESSICA
FATHER JORGENSEN
JESSICA
FATHER
And you secretly despise your mother because she, unlike you, has taken decisive
action. But you cannot. You’re lost.
(Act One) 24
JESSICA
Look father, it’s been real, but I’m not interested in your Wikipedia answers.
FATHER JORGENSEN
(Indignant)
I went to Yale - They don't allow Wikipedia at Yale.
(FATHER JORGENSEN exits.)
(The Power Point fades and we are back at the
theatre. GWEN re-enters. JESSICA takes
center stage.)
JESSICA
“How all occasions do inform against me, and spur my dull revenge! What is a man, if
his chief good and market of his time be but to sleep and feed? A beast, no more.”7
Stop! Who is Hamlet?
GWEN
JESSICA
Ah. Hamlet is… is… (Buying time) A character in Hamlet…
I want particulars. Does he have friends?
GWEN
JESSICA
One. Horatio. And two fake friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Is he violent?
Rarely.
Regretful?
Sometimes.
Funny?
He’s got a dry wit.
Vengeful?
7
Hamlet Act IV, Scene IV
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
(Act One) 25
In the last two minutes of the play.
And who are you?
Me?
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
If you’re to play the greatest role ever written you must know thyself.
I’m…
Yes?
Not sure what you’re...
Do you have friends?
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
As of this morning I have seven hundred and fifty Facebook friends.
Real friends?
…One.
Are you violent?
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
I once slapped a man so hard I knocked his dentures out a third story window.
Regretful?
I immediately apologized.
Funny?
Knock knock.
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
(Act One) 26
What?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Hamlet.
Hamlet who?
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
(Singing)
Hamlet let the dogs out! Woof, woof woof… woof...8
(GWEN is unamused. JESSICA regrets.)
So the answer is no.
GWEN
(GWEN grabs a shopping bag.)
GWEN
Homework assignment! You are to take the contents of this shopping bag and build
Hamlet’s purse.
Purse?
JESSICA
(JESSICA looks inside; it’s filled with fabric,
buttons, buckles and parts of purses.)
GWEN
You cannot play a man unless you walk in his shoes, and you cannot understand a
woman unless you carry her purse.
JESSICA
Let me get this straight, you want me to take this stuff home and build Hamlet’s
handbag? Like with my own... I’m not good with my hands--.
GWEN
Thirty years ago I played Ophelia. To be honest, it wasn’t really Shakespeare. It was
this contemporary adaptation up on Theatre Row, like your play, called Ophelia’s
Revenge. It was written by this Yale playwright with father issues.
Don’t all playwrights have father issues?
8
Sung to “Who Let The Dogs Out” by Baha Men
JESSICA
(Act One) 27
GWEN
The director was displeased with my work. That’s when I decided to build Ophelia’s
purse.
JESSICA
And what does Ophelia’s purse look like?
GWEN
Sort of a seventeenth century Barbie dream house with secret compartments where she
could hide Hamlet’s love letters - But in this modern adaptation she also had brownies
laced with Marijuana and a sawed off shotgun she used during her final psycho rage in
act three. If you are going to dig deep into Hamlet’s psyche you must dig deep into her
purse. Tonight you will build it, tomorrow you will bring it to rehearsal!
(GWEN exits.)
JESSICA
(To the audience)
That night’s rehearsal was a total disaster – like Hamlet being performed on the
Hindenburg. Then, in the middle of the night, I was struck by an idea. If I have to dig
deep into Hamlet’s psyche, why not see a psychiatrist? Not for myself, I’m perfectly
normal, but as Hamlet. That’s right I was going to play Hamlet during the session,
without the psychiatrist knowing it, and see if he could bring me any insight. Genius,
admit it, I’m a genius.
(The Power Point lights up:)
DR. MAX
FELTENBERG
Licensed Mental
Health
Professional.
Ph.D in Clinical
Psychology Long
Island
University
(JESSICA picks up a little black book al la
Hamlet and enters the office.)
(Dr. Feltenberg, a bearded Freudian
PSYCHIATRIST enters, yes played by a
woman.)
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Verbal scene painting)
Welcome to my lavish office located near the intersection of Broadway and Central
Park West. Isn’t my partial view of Columbus Circle and the fine greenery of The
Park not only delightful but comforting?
(Act One) 28
(He has to lean to see the view.)
JESSICA
(Melancholic – Playing Hamlet)
Yes. (Leaning to see the view) Nice view.
(JESSICA/HAMLET rests on a couch. The
PSYCHIATRIST takes up a clipboard.)
You are?
Jessica.
And what brought you in today, Jessica?
I’m… (Dramatic pause) Unhappy.
Aren’t we all?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
Doctor, I have so much unresolved emotional baggage. My father died.
How long ago?
Two months, no, not even two.
Grieving is normal.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
And I was jumped over for a promotion at work.
Which causes anxiety - Also normal.
My friends are plotting behind my back.
Ah yes, the world is full of schmucks.
And my lover lied to me.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Checking off a box on a form)
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Checking off a box on a form)
JESSICA
(Act One) 29
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Checking off a box on a form)
Feelings of inadequacy - Completely normal.
JESSICA
In addition I think I might have an unhealthy sexual attraction towards my mother.
How do you know it’s unhealthy?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Very interested)
JESSICA
I just sort of assumed that any sexual attraction towards my mother was unhealthy.
Oh. Right. Oedipus complex?
Do women suffer from that?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
Generally not. (Checking off a box on a form) Let’s call it pre-oedipal ambivalence.
In addition I can’t seem to take action.
Ah yes, Jimmy Carter Syndrome.
And now all I want is revenge.
Caused by feelings of inferiority.
And yet, I have doubts.
Doubts?
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Checking off a box on a form)
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Checking off a box on a form)
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
Is the ghost real? Or is it just my imagination? Or could it be the devil tempting me?
So sorry, ghost?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
The ghost of my father - It’s been kind of following me.
(Act One) 30
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Checking off several boxes)
Paranormal activity coupled with demonic possession.
JESSICA
No. I was just thinking that the ghost might be the devil tempting me - I’m not actually
seeing devils.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Crossing out the check mark)
Strike demonic possession. Sleep disturbance?
At night I just lay there.
Constipation?
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
Ah… I hadn’t considered that but, yes, I guess I have been a little constipated. But
more importantly I’ve considered suicide.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
Ah yes, that is more important. When was the last time you had an orgasm?
Pardon?
Your last orgasm? The date.
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
Ah… I don’t generally write down the dates of my orgasms, but let’s say it’s been a
while.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Checking off a box on a form)
Decreased libido - Coupled with mood swings?
JESSICA
Now that you mention it, one moment I’m awestruck by the ghost, the next I joke
about it. I’m talkative yet silent, given to sudden flashes of anger yet consumed by
melancholy.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
When you cough or sneeze do you sometimes have leakage?
Leakage?
Urine trickle.
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Act One) 31
What does that have to…
I think I know what your problem is.
Really, that quick?
You’re…
Yes?
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Adding it all up on his clipboard)
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
Suffering from existential ontological overload.
Ooo, I like how that sounds.
In other words… You’re hormonal.
I’m what?
Premenopausal.
A…
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
(Speechless)
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
It’s rare with women your age but not entirely unheard of. I’m making you a
prescription for a monoamine oxidase inhibitors and a tricyclic.
Monoamine what?
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
Anti-depressants. In addition I’m starting you on a hormone replacement program.
(He writes prescriptions.)
JESSICA
Wait. Are you saying I suffer from hot flashes?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
Now I must warn you, these drugs have side effects - Including anxiety, insomnia,
fatigue, irritability, nervousness, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. But you already
suffer from these so it shouldn’t be a problem.
(Act One) 32
JESSICA
Hold on! Are you insinuating that my profound philosophical insights and neurotic
pessimism are a female problem?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
While I’m at it I’m going to throw in a really good vaginal lube. Vagi-Maxer – It’s
more slippery than synthetic motor oil.
Oh for god sake.
JESSICA
(JESSICA starts out.)
Wait!
Then of course it happened.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
JESSICA
(To the audience)
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
“Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special observance that
you o'erstep not the modesty of nature.”9 When do you open?
You know?
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
Do you think you’re the first actress who ever tried this?
Others have…?
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
Numerous times. The first time it happened with me was with an actress playing
Blanche in Streetcar. Unfortunately I had her committed before I knew what she was
up to. In retrospect, her protests, as she was led away, now seem particularly gut
wrenching.
You knew I was playing Hamlet?
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
I have an MFA in acting. Yeshiva University. Go Maccabees.
JESSICA
How did I know you were going to say that.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
You’re about to play one of the most problematic roles ever written, you might need a
little help.
9
Hamlet – Act III, Scene ii
(Act One) 33
JESSICA
Thanks doctor but I think I can play Hamlet without oxidase inhibitors.
(She starts out.)
Ham-a-letta.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(She stops.)
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
Hamlet is a great play because it identifies the human condition.
Which is?
JESSICA
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(Thoughtful)
We are selfish, distrustful beings that are hunkered down in our individual NORAD10
mountains constantly strategizing against each other. It might look like we are loading
the dishwasher, or taking the kids to school, but in fact we, like Hamlet, are plotting
our next move in the nuclear stand off that is life.
(Beat, JESSICA comes back and grabs the
prescription.)
Smart move.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST
(JESSICA exits. The PSYCHIATRIST fades.
The Power Point fades. GWEN enters.)
GWEN
The best-known thirty-three lines in the history of theatre - Take it again. This time
without hyperbolics. As Stella Adler said, the play’s not words, the play is you!
Ready? Enter!
(GWEN takes a seat in the audience. JESSICA
enters with a book. She slowly crosses center.)
“To be--!”
JESSICA
(JESSICA takes a dramatic pause.)
GWEN
“Or not to be.” That’s rather obvious isn’t it?
“Or not to be.”
10
North American Aerospace Defense Command
JESSICA
(Quickly, pissed)
(Act One) 34
Why such a long pause?
I was being dramatic.
Paraphrase the pause and take it again!
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
(JESSICA resets.)
JESSICA
“To be (she quickly adds) Or-not-to-be. That is the question: whether 'tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows--.”
Stop! Hamlet is not a ham! Again!
GWEN
(JESSICA resets.)
JESSICA
To be (quickly) Or-not-to-be. That is the--.
I don’t understand – what are you doing?
I’m trying to play all the emotions.
All what emotions?
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
I’ve analyzed the text. In these thirty-three lines there are fifty-two emotions. I’ve
worked it all out.
Fifty-two emotions?
Watch…
GWEN
JESSICA
(JESSICA pulls from her pocket a long
checklist of emotions.)
JESSICA
(Quickly acting each emotion)
Uncertainty - “To be, or not to be--that is the question.” Indignation - “Whether 'tis
nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”
Introspection - “Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them.”
Resignation – “To die, to sleep no more.” Realization mixed with resignation mixed
with disappointment mixed with reflection - “And by a sleep to say we end the
heartache--.”
(Act One) 35
Stop!
What?
GWEN
JESSICA
(GWEN walks back up on stage.)
GWEN
In all my years coaching I’ve never seen anyone who was…
Yes--?
JESSICA
(Hopeful)
GWEN
So completely and utterly unprepared to play Hamlet!
I--.
JESSICA
GWEN
Wait, I have more… Not only can you not play Hamlet, but it’s entirely possible that
your children will lack the emotional depth needed. You lack even the DNA to play
the role!
JESSICA
You know this isn’t easy I could use a little encouragement.
GWEN
Have you finished your Hamlet handbag?
JESSICA
Not yet. I haven’t been able to get it right.
GWEN
That’s exactly what I expected. See you tomorrow.
(GWEN gathers her things to leave.)
JESSICA
(Dropping pretension)
You know, maybe, just maybe, it’s not me that’s the problem - But the play.
Excuse me?
GWEN
JESSICA
It’s just a simple revenge plot - Hardly original. Revenge was a popular theme that
season and Shakespeare needed a script quick so he plagiarized another playwright’s
play.
GWEN
Creative adaptation can be the seed of genius.
(Act One) 36
He even wrote so fast he made mistakes.
Mistakes? In Hamlet?
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
Hamlet declares that death is an “undiscovered country”11 from which no traveler
returns - Yet just moments earlier he has a conversation with the ghost of his father.
So?
Obviously someone returned!
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
The ghost is in a parallel ethosphere between life and death--.
JESSICA
Early in the play Horatio states that Hamlet was at the battle where his father killed
Fortinbras’s father, the King of Norway – Yet, late in the play the gravediggers say
that Hamlet was born at the castle that very same day.12
Your point?
It’s a mistake.
It is an abstractual13 element--.
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
And what are all these Latinized names about? Claudius, Francisco, Marcellus? It’s
Denmark! You’d think he’d throw in a few Lindströms or Johannessens!
This borders on sacrilege--.
GWEN
JESSICA
And it’s way-way-way too long - Twenty-nine thousand, five hundred, and fifty-one
words!
Shakespeare never blotted a line!14
11
12
13
14
GWEN
Hamlet – Act III, Scene i
Compare statements made in Hamlet Act I Scene i and Act V, Scene i
This is not a word but that doesn’t stop her. Shakespeare made up words so does Gwen
Quoting Ben Jonson
(Act One) 37
JESSICA
No shit! What was he, paid by the word? My sophomore year in college I played
Ophelia in an uncut version. Had to drop out of the play at the top of act five cause I
had to go graduate.
GWEN
Repeat after me - Hamlet is the Mona Lisa of literature and Shakespeare the Leonardo
of playwrights! Say it or I will not return!
JESSICA
(Reluctantly)
Hamlet is the Mona Lisa of literature and Shakespeare… Blah blah blah.
He was a genius! Say it!
He was genius.
Good.
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
He was a genius who mixed dazzling verbal brilliance with idiotic puns and
sophomoric fart jokes!
GWEN
My God! Does your generation believe anything is holy?
JESSICA
I agree with Tolstoy who felt that Hamlet was nothing more than a thin plotline that
Shakespeare manipulated in order to pontificate.
GWEN
And where did you read this? Wikipedia?
…No. It was… It was…
It was Wikipedia wasn’t it?
…And other creditable sources.
Goodbye.
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
GWEN
JESSICA
Wait. I beat out dozens of other actors, through a process of four auditions, over a twoweek period to make the final callback! And I got the role! I have the DNA!
(Act One) 38
(A bicycle bell. A streetwise and hip
BICYCLE MESSENGER rolls in.)
BICYCLE MESSENGER
I hate to interrupt this thing you got goin’ here, but I’m looking for one Jessica Bisset.
I’m Bisset.
From your agent.
JESSICA
BICYCLE MESSENGER
(Hands her a note. She opens it.)
BICYCLE MESSENGER
By the way he’s really pissed. Wanted me to tell you to your face, “Turn on your
damn phone!” Sign here.
(He hands JESSICA a clipboard, she signs.
She opens the note.)
GWEN
What’s so important as to interrupt rehearsal?
She’s been offered a part.
BICYCLE MESSENGER
GWEN
What part could possibly be more important than Hamlet?
…None of your business.
JESSICA
(Reading the message)
BICYCLE MESSENGER
(Jaded)
It’s customary to place a few coins in the palm of the individual who just risked life
and limb, almost getting doored twice, to deliver this message.
(BICYCLE MESSENGER holds out his hand.
JESSICA digs through her backpack.)
What part?
GWEN
JESSICA
They’ve had a problem over at The Young and the Restless. An actress quit. They’re
doing an emergency rewrite. They want me back.
GWEN
I thought your character fell off a Grand Canyon viewing platform and was eaten by
wolves.
(Act One) 39
JESSICA
They want to bring me back as Rachael Buttonhole’s evil twin sister.
BICYCLE MESSENGER
Ah! You’re Rachael Buttonhole! I knew I knew you.
Here. Take it. Go.
JESSICA
(She hands him a few bucks.)
BICYCLE MESSENGER
You know you were not bad in that role, but if I may offer some advice. Sometimes I
got the impression that you weren't really listening to the other actors. A great actor,
after all, is a great listener.
JESSICA
Who are you to give me advice on acting?
I have my MFA in acting. Juilliard.
Get Out!
Just trying to help.
Out!
BICYCLE MESSENGER
JESSICA
BICYCLE MESSENGER
JESSICA
(The BICYCLE MESSENGER pedals out.
Beat.)
GWEN
Rachael Buttonhole’s evil twin sister - You’d take this over Hamlet?
JESSICA
(Reading the agent’s message)
It’s a hell of a lot of money and a twenty-week contract with an option to extend.
GWEN
Instead of playing the greatest role in the history of the theatre!?
JESSICA
Which according to you I don’t have the talent to play.
GWEN
Not yet. (Beat) Hamlet or Buttonhole. Your answer?
(The lights fade to a single pool of light.
JESSICA steps into it.)
(Act One) 40
JESSICA
(After a beat, to the audience)
To play Rachael Buttonhole’s evil twin sister, or not to play Rachael Buttonhole’s evil
twin sister, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler… Wait. Is that why Hamlet
delays? She needs time to think. We all need to take an intermission in life in order to
contemplate things.
(LORD DERBY interrupts by stepping into
Jessica’s light and nudging her out of the
way.)
LORD DERBY
(Snobbish, lecturing the audience)
Did you know that when Shakespeare’s Hamlet was first performed it did not have
intermissions? Nor did any of Shakespeare’s plays. The five-act structure and the
intermissions were added later.
JESSICA
Do you mind? I’m kind of in the middle of a soliloquy here.
LORD DERBY
(Not listening)
Intermissions were needed once the theatre moved indoors, the stage was lit by
candles and so they needed time to relight - Thus intermissions. Which leads to an
interesting question for modern directors - Should they produce Hamlet the way
Shakespeare wrote it, sans intermissions. Or update.
Please go away.
JESSICA
LORD DERBY
(Dramatic)
Hamlet! I’m tingly. (Aside to Jessica) And you’re way too young to play Hamlet.
Get out!
JESSICA
(LORD DERBY steps out of the light.
JESSICA takes center stage.)
JESSICA
(Dramatically)
To have an intermission, or not to have an intermission. That is the question!
(The pool of light fades.)
(In the darkness the Power Point lights up:)
(Act One) 41
Intermission
For the rest of the script please contact the playwright:
[email protected]