Host Parent Training Manual
NEW HORIZONS FOR CHILDREN, INC An International Hosting Program for Orphaned Children Host Parent Training Manual 1 How to find information: Click on any section below or you can do a key word search by clicking on “control” and “f” and then typing in a key word. Click on any link or web address (blue font) to be taken to that information in this document or a website. Highlighted sections are the sections that have been updated since the start of this hosting season. Contents Chapter 1: Getting to Know New Horizons for Children ......................................................................................................... 5 Mission, History, and Goals ................................................................................................................................................. 5 Program Expectations ........................................................................................................................................................... 6 Contact Information ............................................................................................................................................................. 7 Chapter 2: Cultural Perspectives and Orphan Culture ............................................................................................................ 11 Host Countries .................................................................................................................................................................... 11 Time Differences ................................................................................................................................................................ 13 Food and Food Preferences ................................................................................................................................................ 14 Manners and Social Skills .................................................................................................................................................. 17 Overly Independent ............................................................................................................................................................ 18 Hygiene .............................................................................................................................................................................. 18 Beliefs About America ....................................................................................................................................................... 19 Chapter 3: Preparing for Hosting ........................................................................................................................................... 21 Fundraising ......................................................................................................................................................................... 21 Sharing with others about hosting ...................................................................................................................................... 21 Securing your Internet Access ............................................................................................................................................ 23 Make Your Welcome Sign ................................................................................................................................................. 23 Dental/Eye Exams .............................................................................................................................................................. 23 Home and Bedroom Preparation ........................................................................................................................................ 24 Rolling Duffle and Backpack ............................................................................................................................................. 25 Clothing .............................................................................................................................................................................. 25 Preparing Family and Friends for Hosting ......................................................................................................................... 27 Spiritual Influence .............................................................................................................................................................. 28 Chapter 4: Arrival Day ........................................................................................................................................................... 31 Media.................................................................................................................................................................................. 31 Flight Information and Designated Airport Meeting Area ................................................................................................. 32 What to Bring to the Airport .............................................................................................................................................. 32 Airport Information ............................................................................................................................................................ 33 Before you leave the airport ............................................................................................................................................... 33 Items for the Ride Home .................................................................................................................................................... 34 Chapter 5: Connecting and Interacting with Your Host Child ............................................................................................... 35 Family Concept .................................................................................................................................................................. 35 Presence of the Host Father ................................................................................................................................................ 36 Learning How to “Play” ..................................................................................................................................................... 36 Language ............................................................................................................................................................................ 37 Discipline ........................................................................................................................................................................... 37 2 Family Activities ................................................................................................................................................................ 39 Chapter 6: Hosting Specifics .................................................................................................................................................. 40 Name Tags.......................................................................................................................................................................... 40 Ongoing Communication ................................................................................................................................................... 40 Weekly Online Reports ...................................................................................................................................................... 41 Group Activities, Chaperones, and Chaperone Host Day .................................................................................................. 42 Cell Phones and Internet Safety ......................................................................................................................................... 44 Medical Information ........................................................................................................................................................... 46 Travel Plans ........................................................................................................................................................................ 47 Car Safety & Recreational Safety ........................................................................................................................................ 47 School Attendance or Testing ............................................................................................................................................ 48 Babysitters, Camps, Sunday School, Youth Group, etc. .................................................................................................... 48 Movies and Music .............................................................................................................................................................. 49 Alcohol and Parties ............................................................................................................................................................ 49 Chapter 7: Orphan Behaviors and Trouble Shooting Concerns ............................................................................................. 51 Delayed Development ........................................................................................................................................................ 51 Manners and Social Skills .................................................................................................................................................. 52 Lack of Gratitude................................................................................................................................................................ 52 Materialism......................................................................................................................................................................... 53 Resisting Activities ............................................................................................................................................................. 53 Curiosity ............................................................................................................................................................................. 54 Fear of the Dark or Sleep Issues ......................................................................................................................................... 54 Food Issues – Overeating and Hoarding ............................................................................................................................. 55 Pouting ............................................................................................................................................................................... 55 Manipulation and Control .................................................................................................................................................. 56 Behavior Toward Other Children in the Home .................................................................................................................. 56 Aggression and Violence .................................................................................................................................................... 56 Pornography ....................................................................................................................................................................... 57 Sexual Behaviors ................................................................................................................................................................ 57 R.A.D. (Reactive Attachment Disorder) ............................................................................................................................ 57 Special Issues – Removing a Host Child ............................................................................................................................ 58 Chapter 8: Getting Ready for Departure................................................................................................................................. 60 Decision Day ...................................................................................................................................................................... 60 Advocating for Your Child ................................................................................................................................................. 61 Visiting Family Considering Adoption .............................................................................................................................. 61 Getting Ready for Departure .............................................................................................................................................. 61 Rolling Duffle and Backpack ............................................................................................................................................. 62 Checked Luggage ............................................................................................................................................................... 62 Items to Send Home with Host Child and Gifts for the Orphanage .................................................................................... 63 Items Not Allowed to Go Home ......................................................................................................................................... 64 Acceptable Gifts.................................................................................................................................................................. 64 Departure Day ..................................................................................................................................................................... 66 3 Chapter 9: After Hosting ........................................................................................................................................................ 68 Maintaining Contact with Host Children ............................................................................................................................ 68 Ziploc Bag Mission Trip Delivery to Hosted Children ...................................................................................................... 69 Rehosting ............................................................................................................................................................................ 69 Student Visas ...................................................................................................................................................................... 69 Adoption ............................................................................................................................................................................. 70 If Your Host Child Did Not Find His/Her Forever Family ................................................................................................. 70 Continued Support .............................................................................................................................................................. 71 Supplemental Information and Forms .................................................................................................................................... 72 Suggested Reading ............................................................................................................................................................. 72 Embassy Letter ................................................................................................................................................................... 72 Charitable Contribution Letter ........................................................................................................................................... 74 Travel Request Form .......................................................................................................................................................... 75 Agreement to Abide ........................................................................................................................................................... 76 The Fine Print ..................................................................................................................................................................... 77 4 1 Chapter Chapter 1: Getting to Know New Horizons for Children Mission, History, and Goals N ew Horizons for Children’s (NHFC) mission is to expose orphaned children from Eastern Europe and Asia to the love of Christ and life within functional American families, while possibly connecting them with their "forever” (adoptive) family. NHFC originated in 2002 initially as Frontiers for Children, a Christian ministry to help improve the lives of orphaned children in Eastern European countries In 2005, NHFC was incorporated and became an independent 501c3 nonprofit with the continued focus of Christian families hosting Eastern European orphaned children, ages 4 -16, in their homes for approximately five weeks during the summer or winter. While these children are here, they participate in a cultural/educational program and get to experience life in a functional American Christian family. In 2013, NHFC started its first Asian orphan hosting program with the same goals in mind. Our continued prayer is that children would be connected to families in a permanent way. One way is by connecting “adoptable” children with possible “forever families” while here in the United States. Another way is by bringing children deemed not adoptable, but who may be eligible to return for a full year of school as exchange students. Other host-only children are eligible for re-hosting. Regardless of outcome status, hosting itself impacts lives. The main idea behind the Hosting Program is Christian ministry. With this in mind, our goals include: Provide an Educational/Cultural experience, with emphasis on learning the English language. Allow children to learn about God, experience His love and realize they have a father who loves them! Show the children unconditional love and acceptance. Allow children to experience life in a functional Christian family. Enhance the lives of all children in our sponsored orphanages. Reunite siblings who may be separated in different orphanages Introduce “adoptable” children to families and hopefully find their “forever family.” 5 As a non-profit organization, NHFC depends solely upon donations from private individuals, corporations and fundraisers for support. NHFC is comprised of a small office staff, a board of directors and over 40 dedicated volunteers committed to serving the program as a call to follow James 1:27 in their own lives. They are trained and educated in many aspects of orphan care and the unique situations arising through integration of an orphan into a Christian family. Program Expectations It is extremely easy to fall in love with a snapshot of an adorable child. Without even realizing it, we are suddenly filled with expectations about that child and how they will respond to our love. We stare at the photo of our chosen host child/children and imagine a great 4-6 weeks of happily impacting their lives forever. We grab hold of the belief in our minds that orphans would naturally love us and be thrilled and grateful for anything we do for them. In our minds, they are being transplanted from borderline poverty and no love or family into a land of plenty with adoring parents. What child would not be overcome with gratitude and happiness? Unfortunately, this is not an accurate picture of a child with deep emotional and psychological wounds, and these types of incorrect expectations are very often a set up for disappointment, frustration, and struggle during hosting. These types of unrealistic expectations come unknowingly from our own personal desire for affirmation and our own human definition of success. Each orphan is unique and different. God never creates the same precious individual twice, and each child has endured varying degrees of loss and trauma in their individual history. So it's nearly impossible to exactly describe the child you have signed up to host. However, we would like to share many common characteristics, behaviors, and emotional baggage you will find in children who come from difficult places and histories. You may experience at least one, a handful, or even ALL of these behaviors. The purpose of this is not to scare families away, but to set more realistic expectations of the type of ministry God is calling you to in this hosting session. It is to help you have a better understanding that hosting a child in your home is a selfless and often difficult endeavor. It should be entered into with the expectation of ministering to a child in a way that is completely selfless (expecting nothing in return), with unconditional love (regardless of whether they ever respond to your love), and with limitless grace (beyond what you may be accustomed to in parenting). Doing this seems heroic and beautiful on paper, but actually living it out in the trenches on a daily basis with a hurt child can be very challenging...and yet amazingly rewarding. We believe it is important to convey this to new host families up front, so you can begin to prepare, set accurate expectations now, and avoid feeling blindsided once your child arrives. Here are some of the common struggles families find themselves faced with: Bad manners Poorly developed social skills Extreme bouts of pouting or extended sullenness Food hoarding and limited food interests Sensory overstimulation from noise, people, new culture and experiences that lead to emotional meltdowns of crying or tantrums. Manipulation, control, and lying 6 Jealousy toward other children Aggressive behaviors Lack of gratitude You won't change the personality or behavior patterns of these children in 4-6 weeks. But you can accept them as they are, arm yourself with realistic expectations, guide them with grace, pick your battles, give them a voice, and provide a loving, structured environment of safety. This can help them see a love they have never known and give them the freedom to begin working through their hurt. It may come naturally to you, or it may take every ounce of your energy and fortitude. When the day comes to finally put them on the plane to go home, you may have fallen madly in love with them and feel heartbroken to lose them, or you may be utterly relieved to see them go. In either case, the impact you will have on them is far beyond what you may ever see or know. Use this time between committing to host a child and the day of your child's arrival to educate yourself on how to effectively minister to and love children who come from hard places. Contact Information Your first call or email should always be to your regional coordinator. Each regional coordinator is a veteran host parent. They have experienced many of the issues you will face and can answer most of the questions you may have along the path of your hosting journey. However, there are some specific office-related duties listed below, should your question pertain to one of these things. New Horizons for Children Staff Executive Director Vice Executive Director Accounting Le Ann Dakake 678-574-4677 x1 [email protected] Stephanie Shanks 678-574-4677 x4 [email protected] Kodi Stephens [email protected] Lead Program Director – Latvia Lead Program Director – Ukraine Lead Program Interim Director – Asia Operations Manager Stephanie Shanks 678-574-4677 x4 [email protected] Renee McAlpin 678-574-4677 x2 [email protected] Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 [email protected] Kyrie Thorpe [email protected] Administrative Assistant Marta Ninyo [email protected] 7 Eastern Europe (EE) Reference Guide Office Related Responsibilities Chaperone Questions/Scheduling/Cell Phones Lydia Rollins 770-783-1198 770-366-5042 Conference Calls Le Ann Dakake 678-574-4677 x1 Eye/Dental/Med Rel Letters/Insur Cards - L Renee McAlpin 678-574-4677 x2 Eye/Dental/Med Rel Letters/Insur Cards - U Stephanie Shanks 678-574-4677 x4 Financial Questions/Fees/Donations Accounting 678-574-4677 x5 Flight Arrival/Departures Le Ann Dakake 678-574-4677 x1 [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Home Assessment Visits Luggage Tags/Name Tags Media, Program Promotion, Conventions, etc Medical Reports/Issues Travel Form Submission – (U) Training Class Letters – (U) Travel Form Submission – (L) Kyrie Thorpe Le Ann Dakake Paula Chaffin Dr. Beverly Lense Renee McAlpin Renee McAlpin Stephanie Shanks 678-574-4677 x6 678-574-4677 x1 417-718-0152 678-221-1313 678-574-4677 x2 678-574-4677 x2 678-574-4677 x4 [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Training Class Letters – (L) Photo Online Submission T-shirt Order/Replacement Visiting Families Weekly Report Submission – (U) Weekly Report Submission – (L) Stephanie Shanks Marta Ninyo Marta Ninyo Melissa Macy Renee McAlpin Stephanie Shanks 678-574-4677 x4 [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] 703-999-0408 678-574-4677 x2 678-574-4677 x4 Coordinators for Eastern Europe (RC=Regional Coordinator, Asst= Assistant) CO, ID, MT, NV, UT, WY, AZ, WA, OR Stephanie Norman, Lead Coordinator - West 303-669-6221 [email protected] Stacey Maljian, RC 626-390-9113 [email protected] Reagan Birt – RC Kodi Stephens – RC Kristin Baudains- Asst 512-964-3103 512-992-4530 832-580-7742 [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Becky Schultz, Lead Coordinator – South 678-574-4677 x359 or 678-778-9507 [email protected] GA Jenna & Frank Aiken, RC Melissa Bohannon, Asst 704-582-3942 770-601-7130 [email protected] [email protected] MS, AL Jenna & Frank Aiken, RC 704-582-3942 [email protected] TN, KY Jennifer Behling, RC 615-861-0278 [email protected] Jane Griggs, RC Aimee Gunn, Asst 678-574-4677 x356 [email protected] [email protected] Jenelle Cozza, Lead Coordinator, Midwest Holly Schoeppler, Asst 216-396-0065 [email protected] 715-536-6764 [email protected] CA, NV, AK, HI TX, OK, AR, LA, NM FL IL, IA, MO, KS, NE, ND, SD, WI, MN 8 OH, MI, IN VA, WV, MD, DC WV, KY, Puerto Rico SC CT, DE, ME, MA, NH, RI, VT NC NY, NJ, PA Ali Graham, RC 614-425-2815 [email protected] Keith Bolt, Lead Coordinator – Atlantic Nanette Korepanov, Asst 704-490-8523 [email protected] 678-574-4677 ext 358 701-340-8657 [email protected] Nicole Kardoes, RC Jenna and Frank Aiken, RC 704-582-3942 Becky Schultz, RC 678-574-4677 x359 or 678-778-9507 Danielle Bryson, RC 404-314-8147 404-314-8147 Aimee Gobeli, Asst 864-509-3479 [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Melissa Macy, RC 703-999-0408 [email protected] Denise Collins, RC [email protected] Meredith Storms, Asst 919-408-2975 or 919-552-6988 910-318-4306 [email protected] Erica Rhoads, RC Rachele Paulone, Asst 570-620-6970 724-935-7940 [email protected] [email protected] Asia Reference Guide Office Related Responsibilities Chaperone ?’s/Scheduling/Cell Phones Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 [email protected] Conference Calls Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 [email protected] Eye/Dental/Medical Release Letters Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 Financial Questions/Fees/Donations Accounting 678-574-4677 x 5 [email protected] Flight Arrival/Departures Le Ann Dakake 678-574-4677 x 1 [email protected] Home Assessment Visits Kyrie Thorpe 678-574-4677 x 6 [email protected] Insurance Cards Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 [email protected] Luggage Tags/Name Tags Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 [email protected] Media Jenelle Cozza 216-396-0065 [email protected] Medical Reports/Issues Dr. Beverly Lense 678-221-1313 [email protected] Passports Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 [email protected] Photo Online Submission Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 [email protected] Program Promotion (Churches, etc.) Jenelle Cozza 216-396-0065 [email protected] Travel Form Submission Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 [email protected] Training Class Letters Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 [email protected] T-shirt Order/Replacement Bethany Allen 770-403-4858 [email protected] Visiting Families Melissa Macy 703-999-0408 [email protected] Weekly Report Submission Bethany Allen 678-574-4677 x 3 [email protected] Conferences & Conventions Paula Chaffin 417-718-0152 [email protected] [email protected] 9 CO, ID, MT, NM, UT, WY NJ CA, NV, OR , WA, AZ, HI, AR KS, ND, NE, OK, SD, TX Coordinators for Asia (RC=Regional Coordinator) Marty Shoup, 419-496-1018 [email protected] Lead Coordinator - West 949-282-7330 Rachael Ziebold, RC West [email protected] Karen Graham, RC West 281-788-3860 [email protected] GA, AL, TN, MS, KY, LA, Jennifer Bolt, RI, WV, NC, SC, NY, VT, Lead Coordinator – East Region NH, ME, MA, CT, VA, AR 704-490-8517 [email protected] MN, WI, MI, OH, IL, IN, MO IA PA, DE, NJ, MD FL, Andrea Elliott, RC East 954-609-7806 [email protected] Marty Shoup, RC East 419-496-1018 [email protected] 10 2 Chapter Chapter 2: Cultural Perspectives and Orphan Culture Host Countries Time Differences Food and Food Preferences Manners and Social Skills Hygiene Beliefs About America Delayed Development Host Countries Latvia Latvia is an Eastern European country bordered by Estonia, Lithuania, Belarus, and Russia and shares a coastline with the Baltic Sea. It was ruled by the Ottoman Empire for several centuries, but fought for its independence and received it after World War I. It was then annexed by the USSR after World War II. It has been an independent country since 1991. Some facts about Latvia: Latvia is slightly larger than West Virginia and has a population of 2 million people. 28% of the population is still Russian, and tensions sometimes exist with the Latvian population. Latvian is the official language, and is the only place in the world it is spoken. Russian is spoken by many people as well. Riga is the capital and largest city For more information on Latvia, visit these websites: www.latvia.eu http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ei/bgn/5378.htm http://europa.eu/about-eu/countries/member-countries/latvia/index_en.htm http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/country_profiles/1106666.stm http://latvians.com/ 11 Ukraine Ukraine is an Eastern European country bordered by Belarus, Hungary, Moldova, Poland, Romania, and Russia. Most of Ukraine is made up of fertile plains in the east and forests in the west. Ukraine was ruled by Russia since the 18th century. Under Soviet rule, Ukraine suffered two forced famines during which 8 million people died; another 8 million died during WWII. It has been an independent country since 1991, but as a nation has struggled between the pull of Russia in the east and Europe in the west. Some facts about Ukraine: It is NOT called “the Ukraine.” That was its title when under Russian rule and deemed a region. The people are proud to be a country called Ukraine. Ukraine is slightly smaller than Texas and has a population of 44 million people. Ukrainian is the official language, but a quarter of the people speak Russian. Many people speak Ukrussian, a combination of the two languages. Kiev is the capital and largest city. For more information on Ukraine, visit these websites: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ukraine http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ei/bgn/3211.htm http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-18018002 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ukrainian_culture China While large parts of China are more westernized in many ways than Eastern European countries, it is still a Communist country. Be considerate of this situation and don’t talk negatively about their country, Communism, or engage in discussions about negative Chinese history such as Tiananmen Square, the large number of abortions, abandonment of female babies or the “one child” law. If a chaperone or translator brings something up in a casual discussion, please be courteous and offer your opinion, but keep it simple and short. America is very FREE and OPEN, and while we don’t always feel like it, the freedoms we have are HUGE compared to China. They do not have access to internet sites such as YouTube and Facebook and many websites are censored or closed for Chinese people to access. Many do not even know such things exist. Some facts about China: Most people in China do not realize how much stuff is “made in China” and shipped to other countries. Allow them to be proud of the goods that their country makes and do not feel the need to point out the negatives about the quality of the goods, their factories, or any known/reported conditions of the factories and workers. Remember that these factories are where many of the orphans end up working if they are fortunate to have jobs. Group gatherings for any reason are carefully 12 monitored. There are known “underground” or “home churches” perhaps similar to our Bible study groups, but if the government feels they are getting too organized or too large, the group is asked to break up or be arrested. Talking openly about religion, especially Christianity, is against the law. China is almost as large at the US, but has almost 1.5 billion people (the US has 316 million people) Mandarin is the official language, but many areas speak different dialects. Shanghai is the largest city, but Beijing is the capital. For more information on China, visit these websites: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/China http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ei/bgn/18902.htm https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/ch.html http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_culture Philippines The Philippine Islands have been a colony of Spain, the United States, and Japan. On July 4, 1946, the Republic of the Philippines attained its independence. It was one of the founding members of the United Nations. Some facts about the Philippines: The Philippines is slightly larger than Arizona and has 105 million people. Filipino is the official language of the Philippines and is based on Tagalog, but only about 55% of the people speak it. English is generally used for educational, governmental and commercial purposes and is widely understood. The Philippines are the third largest group of English speaking people in the world, after the United States and the United Kingdom. It is common to hear Filipinos use a mixture of English and Filipino words or phrases, known as "Taglish" (a mixture of English and Tagalog), in their everyday conversations. Manila is the capital and largest city. For more information on the Philippines, visit these websites: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philippines http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ei/bgn/2794.htm https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/rp.html http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture_of_the_Philippines Time Differences Some children have a tough time getting their internal clocks adjusted after they arrive. The Eastern Time Zone is 7 hours behind Europe and 12 hours behind Asia, and when we’re on Daylight Savings Time, add another hour! So, midnight is noon, and vice versa. Expect a huge jetlag. Recovery from this time difference can be over a week! 13 One suggestion is to put a clock in their room and gradually allow them to wake you up later and later. At the beginning, some may wake up as early as 4am. Understand this unique challenge and allow them to wake you at 5 am, then 5:30, then 6 am until after a few days they know to be quiet until 7 am. They may need the clock for an objective goal. Show them they can play in their room if they wake up earlier, but have to be quiet until 7 am. Write down the goal time for them at night before bed. After a week or so, they will naturally wake up later. Food and Food Preferences Some of the children are eager to try new American foods while others are not. Either way, recognize that their taste buds will not change in 4-6 weeks. If you have a picky eater, encourage him/her to at least try something new. Remember how you would feel traveling to a foreign country and consider if you couldn’t ask “what is it?” Not only will the food be different, but the beverages and the service as well. Americans eat much more than kids who live in orphanages, especially meat. They won’t starve if they eat only a little bit or try to live on starches. Some tips about food: DO NOT live on fast-food as the chaperones view this as very unhealthy for the kids and are often complaining about this. Similarly, do not provide soda/pop regularly as this is not typical in their culture, it is not healthy, and may result in increased negative behaviors. Take them to a buffet-style restaurant where they can see and pick out their own food. Keep in mind, what we consider Chinese food here is likely different than what you would order in China. In their country, fruit (when available) is like a dessert. Leaving it out as a healthy snack option may not be the best choice seeing as the amount of sugar, even in fruit, may be more than they are used to and it may make them hyper, “wired” and aggressive. Be careful of the sugar overload, even from natural sources such as fruit. Encourage seconds, as that is not usually an option in an orphanage. Make the child’s plate for them, rather than having them choose their food and portion sizes. Bear in mind that in most orphanages, the kids are served a plate with minimal food and are not allowed to serve themselves. Decision-making and empowerment to choose will be a new and sometimes difficult experience for them. Also, many orphans have never cut meat and will not know what to do with a whole piece of meat on their plate. More often than not, the only meat they have had is ground up and placed in soups. You will need to teach them how to cut meat. Try not to have excessive waste, as it creates an assumption of “they have so much, they just throw it out.” These assumptions can quickly and easily carry over into other things like desiring additional clothes or toys. Do NOT force a child to eat something or be punished for not eating it. We have seen lots of “mystery meat” on our interview trips and if someone forced us to eat it, we’d have puked! Not that it is really horrible; it’s just not what we are USED to seeing/eating. Remember cultural differences. In some cultures, they have been taught to wait to be asked several times before moving into the dining room or helping yourself to food and to not start eating until the host invites you to do so. They also might be used to assigned seating. Don’t mistake cultural awkwardness for dislike or rudeness. Ask more than once to try something new. They might refuse it one day and be willing to try it another. 14 Let the kids help you in the kitchen. Many of the girls know how to cook and the boys enjoy it too. Make candy, goodies, and other things together for fun. Make homemade candies and baked items and take to others as gifts. You could plan a day to deliver baked items to a retirement community home or an event to help the less fortunate. Cooking together is a great bonding activity. Remember the horrible life experiences these kids have had with adults and parents. BE DIFFERENT. Shock and surprise in a good way! Food Preferences: Eastern Europe Each culture also has certain foods that are staples to their diet. Not every child likes every item on this list, but it is a good place to start. When in doubt, take them shopping with you and let them pick out some things. Their tastes tend to be very bland, nothing too sweet, too salty or too spicy. Expect ketchup to be the condiment of choice. Offer as many new things as you can; you might be surprised how much your child enjoys new and different foods. Read online about Latvian, Russian, or Ukrainian recipes. Encourage and allow the child to help some nights to cook. Consider a visit to a local Russian Food Store or Grocery in your area so the child can pick out some favorite items from home. Then, your family can also try new foods along with the hosted child. Breakfast For breakfast foods similar to Eastern European tastes, try fruit, yogurt, cottage cheese, juice, milk or hot tea, cheese slices similar to Provolone with sliced meats like ham, turkey, bologna or Pepperidge Farm summer sausage. Try potato pancakes, oatmeal or cereal, but don’t expect milk to be poured over the first few times. Lunch/Dinner For lunch/dinner, try spaghetti noodles with ketchup, ramen noodles, cheese pizza, hot dogs, fries, cheese sandwich, chicken and raw vegetables like cucumbers, carrots, tomatoes and onions. Breads are generally served at all meals. Pieces of steak and whole pieces of meat that need to be cut with knives are going to be unusual to most kids. Most meats in orphanages are of poor quality and are actually hand cranked through a grinder. Cutlets are popular. Sardines and dried fish are popular as well, but many of the children want nothing to do with seafood. Mixtures and foods with sauces are not typical in orphanages. Mayonnaise or sour cream is used to mix “salads,” but leafy salads are generally unheard of. Their idea of salad is chopped raw cucumbers, tomatoes and onions, mixed with sour cream. Cooked vegetables are generally served room temperature and not warm. Many vegetables are served after being “canned.” Sliced tomatoes and cucumbers with some ranch dressing is popular. Food Preferences: China In China, carbohydrates are the main staple of their diet. They do eat cooked vegetables and some meats but pieces of steak and whole pieces of meat that need to be cut with knives are going to be unusual to most kids. Chinese food is eaten with chopsticks, so a knife needed to cut food at the table is weird. Knives are used to prepare food for cooking. Many of the Asian host children will have never used a fork or a knife- just a very different looking spoon. Read online about Chinese culture or Chinese recipes. Encourage and allow the child to help some nights to cook. Consider a visit to a local Chinese/Asian food 15 or grocery store in your area so the child can pick out some favorite items from home. Then, your family can also try new foods too. Breakfast For breakfast, tea is usually served. They will eat dim sum and fried dough as well as vegetables and shrimp wrapped in leaves. It is common to eat noodles for breakfast. Congee (rice porridge) is also popular. Lunch/Dinner Each area of China has its own style of food. Chinese food ranges from Hunan, Kungpao, Fu yung, Mongolian and Szechuan…. and of course there’s always lo mein and rice. For ALL areas, they eat lots of eggs for protein, boiled peanuts, cashews at times, and unfortunately- fish with the heads still on. Past host families have told us you can’t go wrong with ramen noodles. When in doubt, take them shopping with you and let them pick out some things. Food Preferences: Philippines On any given day, Filipinos consume five small-plate meals. It begins with an early breakfast and is followed by a 10 a.m. snack (similar to afternoon tea) called merienda. Following lunch is another merienda at around 4 p.m. which gives them enough energy to last until dinnertime. Finger-food appetizers are served during happy hour, and it's not uncommon to finish off a late evening with sweets or fruit, coconut and caramel being the primary ingredients. In urban areas, more emphasis is put on dinner, whereas residents of rural, poorer neighborhoods consume their largest meals in the middle of the day. Unlike in Western cultures, Filipino courses are all served simultaneously and eaten with forks, spoons or fingers. Breakfast For breakfast, Filipinos will eat bread, cheese, chocolate rice porridge (champorado), and often meat or eggs. Merienda Usually coffee, pastries, cheese, and empanadas (bread stuffed with meat) are served. Sometimes dim sum is eaten. They will also eat sticky rice cakes or stir-fried noodles. Street food—meat skewered on a bamboo stick—is also popular. Lunch/Dinner The central ingredient in any Filipino menu is steamed white rice, the leftovers of which are combined with herbs and sauces and recycled to subsequent meals. Corn, noodles and bread also figure prominently in the Filipino diet because of their adaptability to different styles of cooking. The abundant seafood of the region -- particularly grouper, tilapia, bass, shrimp and clams -- often shares the table with pork and chicken. Although beef is available, it's generally reserved for special occasions. Coconut appears in dishes from soup to desserts. Salty fish sauce, coconut cream, lemongrass, adobo sauce, soy sauce, spicy barbecue sauce, sweet and sour, miso tomato, bagoong (dried shrimp paste) and Filipino vinegar are typically put on the table for dipping meats and vegetables as well as dribbling 16 over rice. These are mixed and matched with ginger, garlic, onions, peppers, limes and cilantro. Broth made from vegetables or chicken is often provided as well. Among the most popular are marinated meats in adobo sauce; Dininding, a traditional dish combining vegetables and seafood; Laksa, a melting pot of shrimp, pork and vegetables; Kari-Kari, or boiled oxtail; and Estofado, a deep-fried meat dish served with potatoes. For dessert, save room for flan, sweetened rice cakes, ambrosia salads and caramel custards. Manners and Social Skills Every culture has certain ways of acting that is appropriate for their society; these are not always universal. You will likely see some behaviors that appear to be rude or impolite, but are simply the cultural manners the children have learned. Remember, your job is not to create polite Americanized children, but to love unconditionally and show them how a family functions. Pick your battles! It is certainly appropriate to correct rude behavior, but often it is helpful to say “In America, we…” or “The Smith family does not…” They may have never been taught manners, and they are certainly going to be unfamiliar with American manners. Here are some manners to try to teach. Note that some of these are outside of their cultural understanding, and others are just because they have never been told. Teach them American “niceties”: how to shake hands greet others, use Kleenex, make eye contact and how to respond to compliments. Teach the boys to open doors for women and girls. Teach “please and thank you.” Cutting in line is common and cultural; gently correct this behavior. In the Philippines, when children or young people greet or say goodbye to their elders they typically do so by taking the right hand of the elder with their right hand and touch the back the elder's hand lightly on their forehead. This act is called Mano Po. It is a way to give respect to elders and may also be a way of accepting a blessing from the elder. Mano is Spanish for 'hand' while the word Po is often used at the end of a sentence when addressing elders or superiors. Encourage “good gestures” such as thumbs up, thumbs down and “high five.” Be on the lookout for the middle finger, it is sometimes used in the Eastern European orphanages. This is not common in Asian orphanages. Be prepared for occasional differences in expressions and instead of being horrified and appalled, explain that this is not done in America. “Hawking loogies” on the ground and blowing snot onto the ground in public is a common occurrence in all of China that crosses all boundaries of socio-economic groups! Encourage eye contact until it becomes habit. In China, kids are often taught not to look at adults while they are speaking to them and disciplining them. This can also be true for parts of Eastern Europe. Seeing as discipline may be a very bad experience for them in their orphanage, it’s also possible that a child could completely shut down and stop interacting with the host parent. This is usually tied to their fear that a very drastic punishment, by our standards, is coming their way. We all handle things differently and you cannot expect their coping mechanism to change inside of 4-5 weeks. Forgiveness is something we are teaching as Christ taught us. Help them learn body language. Body language certainly can “speak” words. Facial expression is key and if necessary, you may need to show your host child to look at your face, prior to responding to someone in a negative or positive way. For instance, as the host parent, they will be 17 able to see if you are smiling, angry, sad, etc. It’s HUGE for them to look at you, or another adult or child, and read your face before responding. With the language gap, especially when kids play together, it really helps them to learn to study faces before reacting. In China it is very disrespectful for a child to do this with an adult. So, there will be a learning curve and weird reception to it at first. Overly Independent In China and EE the children have an enormous amount of independence in their home country. Generally, orphans walk everywhere they need to go. On our trips, it’s not uncommon for us to see children 8-10 years old walking down city streets with small groups of kids. This can manifest itself by them walking away from you in public, (this is a big reason it’s very important for them to have their name tags on at all times). China is considered one of the safest countries in the world so safety is not a concern. It’s not appropriate in America. China is actually considered to be one of the safest countries in the world as far as crimes against people. It is considered safe for a woman to walk alone at night. The reason for this is that there are stiff, quick and huge prison penalties for someone who snatches a purse, mugs someone, or steals something. Crime is basically non-existent and gangs are seen as “groups who are gathering” so they are perceived as a threat against the communist government and simply not allowed. Orphans are sometimes given free bus and metro passes, however most of our host children come from rural areas where public transportation is non-existent. The postal service delivers by bicycle and most people simply walk. If you have a child who is overly independent try to understand the behavior and give them freedom and choices wherever possible. The orphanages that we visited in the Philippines were very structured and religion based. The majority of them were run by Catholic Nuns and were very involved with each and every child. Most children attended public schools, but attended many extracurricular activities within the orphanage. It was explained to us that the orphans who did attend public schools were often made fun of and were sometimes bullied by other children to get them to steal things from the orphanages since they had so much more at their disposal than the average Filipino families. Hygiene The way that other cultures care for their bodies is different from what is done here in America. Deodorant is not always used and bathing and toileting habits are different. You will have to show them how to perform certain hygiene tasks while they are in America. Do NOT teach or allow the children to shave, dye their hair or pierce anything. These may seem harmless, but you won’t believe what we have seen in past hosting programs. Trying to match your hosted child’s hair color to your own is NOT ALLOWED! Haircuts are fine, as long as they’re not wild. NO EAR PIERCING. (You may allow older boys and girls who are accustomed to shaving to shave if it is something they typically do on their own.) Bathing The children (and some adults) may not be used to taking showers on a daily basis. Some may have never had the opportunity of taking a 18 “bath,” as it is considered a luxury. If you plan to prepare a warm bath for your host child(ren), don’t get the water too hot. Slightly warm water is best. They are not used to hot water and it could make them nauseous. We’ve had sea sickness result from hot tubs and garden tubs! But at the right temperature, a surprise bubble bath in a garden tub with music, candles and a bowl of popcorn has really bonded a few kids with their host family. Show kids (and chaperones) how to use the overhead showerhead; turn on/off water and regulate it. They generally have hand held sprayers in their orphanages. Do not let them adjust the water until you have taught them that the hot water is HOT. Show them how to turn it on and off, hotter and colder, and drain the tub. The homes where some of the host kids lived prior to moving to the orphanage may not have had running water- much less heated water from a tap. Set a bathing routine from the beginning. Make sure to offer privacy. Some kids may wear their underwear in the shower, as this may be what they do in the orphanage because of group bathing. They also do not typically use washcloths, so you may need to show them by charades. Toilet Use Flushing toilet paper down the toilet is not done in any of the countries these children are from. You may need to explain that toilet paper goes into the toilet; otherwise, you may find it in the bathroom trash can. Also, explain that NOTHING else goes down the toilet. So, as frustrated as some of you are going to be, putting a toilet seat up/down will not come readily and that habit probably will not change inside of 4-6 weeks. Many a frustrated host parent has written in asking why the children can’t just “put the seat up.” Certainly, teach them and remind them, but you can’t expect this to be done 100% of the time. Thankfully, most of the orphanages where our host children live have modern bathrooms and toilets. Additionally, in many Asian countries, they have toilets that are called “squatters”—you actually squat over them instead of sitting, and you face the wall instead of sitting with your back to it. You may want to show your Asian host child how to sit on the toilet properly. Feminine Products Girls may undergo some physical changes while they’re here. With good nourishment and vitamins, some girls may “blossom” or begin their periods. They probably don’t have any feminine products with them, so it is a good idea to keep some handy. Do not offer any products other than pads. The thin Always brand has been a good choice in the past. They probably won’t ask, so show older girls where the items are stored and make sure “dad” is a part of this discussion. He may be the one around if the time comes. Explain where to put the used pads, should this occur. Be prepared for cramps and offer Midol or Advil, unless you’ve been told of an allergy. Beliefs About America Be aware of cultural/political issues at the present time regarding internationally adopted children in America having been recently murdered or tragically abused. It is a common question or concern as to why Americans want to adopt older children and bring them home. Many times answers like “to use them for body parts of medical experimentation” are mentioned and accepted by most in Russia, Latvia, and Ukraine as factual. In recent years, the president of Belarus was publicly asked at a rally why foreigners adopt so many children from their orphanages. He said his honest opinion was that they used them for testing and body parts. A few 19 weeks later all adoptions were shut down and the country remains closed. Most recently, Russian President Putin signed a law that disallows Americans from adopting Russian orphans. Many Russians supported this because of their feeling that Americans use and abuse the children they adopt in negative and inhumane ways. These are very real examples how perceived feelings can take over regardless of reality, and shut a country down for hosting and adoption. In China there is a REAL black market for harvesting and selling organs to others, so it isn’t just rumor of such things occurring. People can be kidnapped and return with surgical scars and without certain organs! Because of these things, it is a common question or concern as to why Americans want to host or adopt older children and bring them home. In China, the “Social Security Plan” for the elderly is determined by the success of their child. The child is expected to care for their parents when they age. So, considering this cultural attitude, it would make sense to a Chinese person that Americans want more children to care for them as they age to have a better retirement. What we do as Christians in serving orphans does not make any sense those who are not Christians and not Americans. (Sometimes other Christians and other American’s don’t get it either!). 20 3 Chapter Chapter 3: Preparing for Hosting Fundraising Sharing with Others about Hosting Internet Safety Make Your Welcome Sign Dental/Eye Appointments Bedroom Preparation Rolling Duffle and Backpack Clothing Preparing Your Friends and Family for Hosting Spiritual Influence Fundraising NHFC is happy to assist with fundraising through You Caring. There is no cost to the host family for this service. In order for the donations to be considered tax deductible, NHFC must set up the link for you. This also ensures compliance with host country guidelines and regulations. Please speak with your regional coordinator for more information. Please note, when promoting your fundraising on-line, you must adhere to the same guidelines listed below. Sharing with others about hosting Hosting a child is an exciting experience and it is understandable that host families want to share about their experiences online through social media. Host families may blog and post on Facebook/social media about their hosting experience, however, since orphanage staff, country officials, chaperones, etc. have access to Facebook/social media, there are several restrictions when it comes to sharing about your host child online. 21 Do Use child’s initials only for all countries Do Not Do not use orphanage name, ID number, city, specific country, child’s name, or birthday in any public article or online. Call the child a guest/visitor/student/host son or Do not call the child son or daughter host daughter. Share more details in face-to-face conversations Do not publicly tell the child’s story on-line Voice concerns in private NHFC group (for Asia Do not share details of concerning behavior post questions or concerns on your country publically online in your own Facebook status facebook secret page). Latvia: Post NHFC stencil drawing or family/group (host kids and members of your family) photos on blogs, Social Media, (Twitter, Facebook page, or Facebook “secret” groups, etc.). Email is okay. Latvia: Do not post individual/sibling group photos of Latvian children on-line anywhere (including secret pages). Do not use a family photo with host child as a banner or profile picture. Do not identify child’s country in any on-line/public forum. NHFC has special permission to post host child photo on the password protected smugmug matching page. Do not copy and use this photo for anything online. Ukraine: Post NHFC stencil drawing, individual, Ukraine: Do not use names or countries with and/or family/group photos on blogs and general any posted photo. Do not have picture of host Facebook is allowed as a post. Sending by email is child in profile pics. okay. Asia: Email pictures to family and friends. Photos of Asia: Do not post any pictures of Philippine children from China may be posted on blogs, children from the front. Do not use last names Facebook, etc (only 1st names). Philippine kiddos is for China or Philippines. the same except faces cannot be seen in photos. Only post photos from the back. A note on Facebook use 1) Public posts on your own page (this is what you see when you log in and it says “What’s on your mind?”). Anything you post here can be seen by all your friends, and can be shared freely by anyone who reads it. We recommend you set your privacy to “friend only” however this still does not give you control over what they do with the information you share. 2) Posts in a “secret” group. To post there, you must go into the group page (like the NHFC Summer 20XX secret page) where it is private and only members can see your post. The NHFC general Facebook page is not private. The secret group page is a safe place to post questions, concerns, and updates not appropriate for all your friends to see. If you have not been added to the “secret” Facebook group, please speak with your coordinator. 3) Please note: Sometimes host children have Facebook accounts and want to “friend” you after they have met you or their friends want to friend you. If you do this you must be extremely careful about 22 what you post or message on your Facebook page. You should not be sharing any information about hosting (past, present, or future) with other host children. If they are your friend, you cannot allow them access to information about a different child’s hosting experience or a families adoption process. This information spreads quickly among the orphanages and causes great distress and places hosting and adoptions at risk for other children. You must adjust your privacy settings and be careful what you share with them. For more on Facebook privacy settings go to https://www.facebook.com/help/325807937506242 Securing your Internet Access In order to protect host children from accessing inappropriate content while in your home, we suggest you have a block on your home computer if you plan to allow the hosted child supervised internet usage. Safe Eyes and Cyber Sitter are just two examples of computer programs designed to block inappropriate content. Do this prior to their arrival and it should eliminate the issue altogether. If you use a program that allows you to select what sites to block, choose the following: For Asia: block sites ending in “.cn” and “.ph” For Eastern Europe: block sites ending in “.lv” “.ukr”, “.ua” and “.ru” This will block inappropriate content that many safety programs would miss due to language differences. Many foreign sites also have high rates of downloadable viruses. See chapter 6 for more information on internet safety during hosting. Make Your Welcome Sign EVERY FAMILY IS REQUIRED TO MAKE A WELCOME SIGN for the arrival. It needs to be a large sign that includes: A photo of the child. You can use the smugmug photo and print it out as a 5x7 or 8x10. The child’s name. Most people write it out in English, but you can also write it in characters for the Asian children. Chinese children print last name first when using letters or characters. Also, it is considered a great honor for a Chinese child to be given an English name. Please speak with your regional coordinator for more details. Ask your coordinator for the pronunciation of your child’s name, but always double check with the child when they arrive. A greeting of some kind. Many families write this in both English and the child’s native language. That is up to you. Some ideas: Welcome, Welcome to America, Hello. Use the private Facebook group for help on other greetings in the child’s native language. These can also be pictorial greetings (smiley faces, etc). Decorations. Often families draw or glue on American symbols (flags, colors, stars, etc). Some also put some representation of the child’s country as well. Handprints of the host family are also popular. The goal here is not to be the best artist in the world, but to give the child something to look for in the crowd to identify you as his or her family. The photo and name are the most important elements. Dental/Eye Exams Call now to schedule a dental exam and eye exam for each host child. Consider asking your own eye doctor or dentist if they are willing to donate any services. Ask around your church to see if anyone has recommendations. Plan appointments early in the program, so if glasses are needed or dental work needs to be done, there will be time for this before the child returns home. In many areas of the country, LensCrafters and Sears will offer a free eye 23 exam and a pair of eyeglasses if needed. LensCrafters program is called OneSight. You will need to call in advance to find out what documentation is needed in order to be seen. (With ample notice, NHFC can provide authorization letters - Medical, Dental, & Vision, if required). The children may be afraid of the dentist at first. In their home country, dental treatments often do not include Novocain or numbing medications. Any fillings, extractions or root canals are done with no anesthetic. Here, once they understand that it doesn’t hurt, they’ll calm down. The rules for dental care vary by country. Please adhere to these guidelines: Ukraine: Local anesthesia is okay. No general anesthesia is allowed. Only 1 permanent tooth can be pulled and that is only if there is absolutely no way to save the tooth. Only 3-4 baby teeth can be pulled. Latvia: Local anesthesia is okay. No general anesthesia is allowed. No permanent teeth can be pulled. Front or baby teeth may be pulled if a request is submitted and permission is granted. Asia: Please contact your regional coordinator. Check-ups are permitted without prior notice, however, any procedures require prior authorization by the lead chaperone for both China and Philippines. Please email the chaperone and cc the regional coordinator on all emails. Please see the charitable contribution letter. Your provider will be able to use a copy of this to write off their expenses. Prior to the arrival of the children, each family will receive a medical authorization form giving host parents authorization for treatment of medical, vision, and dental procedures. With any medical appointment (dental, eye or urgent), submit an informal write-up (or copy of doctor’s report) of the appointment date and results to NHFC for the child’s records. This is also necessary if we need to validate the exams were done. Please scan/email all medical documentation directly to: Asia: Dr. Beverly Lense at [email protected]. Latvia: send results to [email protected] Ukraine: send results to Renee McAlpin [email protected] Home and Bedroom Preparation From a safety standpoint, you can’t assume the children have been trained to stay away from some of the basic things you have taught your children to avoid. For instance, chemicals should be put away in safe locations, certainly because they cannot read the labels and a large plastic bottle of windshield wiper fluid looks like blue juice. Also, power tools that are in areas accessible by the children should be especially considered. Host children must have a bed of their own. Brothers and sisters may share a bedroom; however, you can only mix host children and your own children if they are of the same gender. Some of the children may have difficulty with bedwetting. This can be exacerbated by the time difference. You may want to initially have a mattress cover on the bed. For younger children pull ups may be needed until the child gets acclimated to our time zone. Please note that in China, toddlers and young children do not wear diapers. They have “split pants” so when they squat, the pants just open up and the child goes to the bathroom wherever they are outdoors. 24 Rolling Duffle and Backpack Every child needs to return with a rolling duffle and a backpack. You can purchase this ahead of time to find a good price. Rules for Asia vary each hosting session please get more information before making any purchases. See chapter 8 for more information about size restrictions. Clothing Sizing and style Clothing sizes will tend to run age appropriate or one to two sizes smaller but almost always on the slim side. Ask your friends and church family for gently used clothing donations. Do not purchase an entire wardrobe. Also avoid clothes, shoes, or accessories that have a strong cultural or negative connotation including Ecko, Baby Phat, Hermes, Hugo Boss, DG, Guicci, LV, etc. Shoes for these children are one of the most important items you will send home with them. Make the shoe store employees size the children if you are buying new. They'll need to wear these shoes for the next 6-12 months. And, they’ll be tempted to say everything fits fine because they rarely have anything that actually fits them. Do not be surprised if your host child continues to wear the pair of shoes that they arrived in. They may have an emotional attachment, since it may be one of the only familiar items that they can associate with. On the other hand, some teenagers will come with expectations of buying clothes they see on TV, and can be very insistent. Please speak with your coordinator if this is a problem. Generally, orphanage children get one outfit per week and wear that outfit daily for the entire week. They may want to do the same in your home. If that is the case, you may need to slip their clothes out of their room after they go to sleep in order to have the opportunity to clean them. Others may have a preference for long pants instead of shorts, no matter the weather. You may find that boys will wear their underwear under swimsuits. You can’t fully know a child’s preference, but can encourage them with more choices, reminding them that all the items in their room are for them. You can consider laying clothing out the night before if matching is a big issue for you. Many have never had choices so matching is irrelevant. This is one of those areas where you learn to “pick your battles.” Please see Chapter 8 for more information about what clothes to send home with the children. Tween/Teen Girls EE: In general, European culture is not as conservative as in America, especially the Christian American family. European advertising is very risqué and borderline pornographic. Older girls may have a desire to look “sexy.” They are simply emulating the advertisement they are being exposed to. Instill and teach modesty. Ensure clothing is appropriate and know that it’s ok to say no to some things, just as you would do with your own children. If needed, call your coordinator to ask for help from the chaperone or interpreter. Some chaperones have been known to “display” a little more than we expected as well. Dark undergarments with light outerwear, shorts with a minimal inseam, and tops that dip low are not befitting tweens/teens who just need to be loved unconditionally. As a host parent, be the parent first then the friend, but pick your battles. Remember that your job is not to change their worldview and fashion sense in five weeks. It is to show love no matter what they wear. Here are some tips for working through this issue with your host daughter: Remember she has her own opinions and style. Is your “no” for moral reasons or your own preference? 25 Consider if it is possible to allow the item in some places but not others. A shirt may be fine for home and hanging out but not for church. Explain types of clothing worn in social situations like church, swimming, restaurants, etc. She may be modeling her choices after movies, not her own preference. When you explain that she would look out of place, she may choose differently on her own. A bra may be on your list of items to obtain quickly. Sports bras and tank style generally get the job done and are not so size sensitive. See if you can adapt her choice to make it more modest. The low cut top can be worn if paired with a cami. Ask her why she wants to buy the item. It’s possible she has body issues and she feels like the clothing is either covering a body part of distracting others away from an unflattering feature. If you know the why, you might be able to help find a more modest compromise-plus, it allows for bonding instead of conflict. ASIA: In general, the Asian culture is very conservative; perhaps more so than in some parts of America and in some of our Christian host families. They are dressed as children and treated as children until later high school or college. There is great respect from a child towards an adult in most situations. Teen Boys EE: Some teen boys may want to wear low hanging bottoms that show their underwear. American Rap is big in Europe and the boys may think it’s “cool” in America. They may desire things that we associate with Hip Hop culture. Again, you need to be consistent from the beginning and if a particular style is not acceptable in your household, then set firm but kind limits. Other hosted boys, however, may stare at our American kids who dress like this, if they are from extremely rural locations and haven’t seen this style. Also, wearing socks with sandals is common in Europe. ASIA: It is our expectation that most of the boys coming to us from Asia will not be interested in the Hip Hop or Punk Rock Cultures and will seek to gain host parent approval in most of what they wear. Asian children may be shocked and actually stare or laugh at our American kids who dress in the Hip Hop style as they’ve never seen it before. Many of the older kids learn and perform with groups from their orphanages to raise awareness and donations for the orphanage. They may be familiar with cultural dance, pop dances, stage magic and magic tricks. Items brought from their home country The children that arrive with clothing will likely have things that do not fit them well. Do not force them to wear these things. Upon arrival, clean all the child’s clothing and place it together neatly in one area, so it does not get lost. You will need to return all items brought with the child regardless of the style or level of wear/tear. These items are not owned by the child, and MUST be returned with the child, even if it fills half their suitcase. Return everything, lose nothing. Use space bags to shrink clothing to fit better in their luggage, if needed. Washing Clothes by Hand In the past, some children have taken their clothes into their bathrooms and washed them by hand the first couple days. This is a common practice for the children in their orphanages. Usually, showing them your washing machine and dryer will eliminate their perceived need to do this. For the few die-hards though, don’t make this a big battle. Give them a little time and continue to encourage them to allow you to wash 26 their things with the other family members clothing. If necessary, and if things are starting to get a little smelly, it’s ok to slip into their room after they fall asleep and wash the items overnight. Preparing Family and Friends for Hosting Hosting is an exciting experience, but it is also one that needs to be prepared for. You and your spouse have already done this by prayerfully signing up to host and reading this manual. You will also have a day of training to get yourself ready for this special time. But what of the people around you, specifically your spouse, children, extended family, and friends? They, too, need to be told what to expect and how to interact with the host child. Your Marriage Hosting is hard work. Loving children from hurting places will either strengthen or weaken your marriage relationship. Prior to your host child arriving make a commitment to your spouse about how the two of you will handle this journey together. Watch this Michael Monroe video “How Trust-Based Parenting Can Impact Your Marriage” to help prepare. Also watch “Being on the Same Page” to help you find ways to handle some of the challenges that lie ahead. Your Children Besides yourself, your children will be the people most profoundly affected by hosting. They are giving up and sacrificing many things to serve another—preparing them for that is one of the best things you can do for them. Talk with them. Ask them what they are the most excited about, as well as the most nervous about. Ask them what things they would like to do during the host child’s time here. Plan some realistic activities with them. Prepare the home with them. Explain that all toys and supplies out in common living areas are to be shared. Gather up special toys and put them away for the month—it is better to store them than put them in a spot in your child’s room as it removes possible conflict during hosting. If there are breakable or irreplaceable treasures your child holds dear, it is best to remove these as well. Talking about doing this as a service to focus on the host child is a good way to handle this with young children. Talk about sharing Mom and Dad. Make sure they know they are loved and that this is a FAMILY mission trip. One of their jobs is to share their time with mom and dad. Discuss what that might look like. Tell them how to specifically ask you for your time when they need you. Discuss the house rules with them. Tell them that there are times when they should extend grace and have humility with the host child, and that there are times to immediately get Mom or Dad. Explain that it is okay to break rules like secret-keeping or screaming in the house if someone needs help. Talk about safe boundaries. Be explicit. Tell them if they are ever uncomfortable with touch or contact to talk to you. Make a plan with them for handling aggressive or violent behavior (shout loudly, run to mom, etc). 27 Remind your children that your host child has not been raised in your family- or any family for that matter (thought that's not always the case). Things like sharing, asking for permission, nonaggressive conflict resolution, saying "I'm sorry", taking turns, "always tell the truth", following the Golden Rule, etc... may be foreign to them. Give them time to learn those social rules and be prepared to give grace and model forgiveness. Your Extended Family and Friends Your support network may have varying opinions about your hosting adventure, but they all probably have questions. Explaining how to behave around your host child can go a long way in relieving some of these tensions and fears. Talk to them about the program. Tell them what it is and what it isn’t. Make them aware that they should NEVER discuss adoption around the host child. Explain how to greet your host child. They should always greet you first, then the child. Do not hug the child without asking first. Never force physical contact. Explain gift etiquette from the cultural perspective of the child. Host children do not understand monetary value of gifts but they can count. Tell them if they want to give a gift (Christmas, I love you, Valentines, etc) to a forever at home child, to please do the courtesy of giving the same number of gifts (even if lesser value) to the host child. Tell them that gifts or treats should be offered to the child only after asking you first. You are trying to create a bond with this child, and for the time they are here, you are their guardian. Tell friends and family that they can help affirm that relationship by asking you for permission to give gifts or treats first. It is also helpful to do this out loud in front of the child—it gives you a chance to say yes to something wonderful! Explain how your relationship might look different during this period. Tell them how you plan on focusing on the host child, and that this is much like a mission trip abroad. Explain that you may not attend as many activities during that time as you normally might. If alcohol is a possibility at an event, explain the alcohol policy and your desire to abstain, and that it might mean you don’t attend the event. Reassure them that they are important to you and that you will need their support. Spiritual Influence It is expected that you will attend a mainstream Christian denomination or Christian non-denominational church. As Christians and as a part of this ministry, you should do your best to expose your hosted children to God’s Word, prayer and church events. You do not have to be in the front pew every time the doors are open, but we do ask you to include your Christian beliefs and share them with your child. Here are some ideas for including your host child in your spiritual activities. Begin them now, so that they are a habit when your host child comes. If you don’t have a regular church, start looking for one now. Many Ukrainians attend Eastern Orthodox Church. It isn’t necessary to take them to one, and in the past when families sought out these churches, some kids really disliked it. Just be aware of what their impression of “church” and “religion” consists of. There are usually Russian speaking ones near the larger cities. Several of the Filipino children are all raised in Christian orphanages/foster homes. Most of the Filipino children attend small groups with other children their age, and even lead their groups in worship/prayer. 28 Consider attending Vacation Bible School (VBS) or Christian camps or local youth groups We have had children learn Christmas and VBS songs and participate in Christmas and VBS programs. Teens often enjoy meeting Americans their own age. Remember if your host child attends without you – you must show proof of a background check, see chapter 6 Babysitters, Camp, Youth Group, Sunday School, etc. Begin a short time of family devotions. Devotion time is a great way to bond with the children and to teach them the basics about the Bible and God. Bible storybooks in various translations can be helpful. Prayers at meals and bedtime. Even if prayer is not something you normally do at home now, we suggest you incorporate this at meals and at bedtime. Prayers and “tucking into bed” are a key time for you and your host child. Later, when we ask kids their favorite part of the program, the tucking into bed and prayer time is constantly listed as a favorite. None of them EVER get this in an orphanage. Have times of thankfulness. Keep a record each day of the things each of you are thankful for. Perhaps write them in a book, or discuss them at dinner. Consider doing a “prayer circle” with your family and your child. Everyone holds hands and one person starts by thanking God for something. That person then squeezes the hand of the next person and they thank God for something, and so on. This is an easy, fun way to get prayer started. Remember, this is not the time for a monologue, but a time to show how simple a personal relationship with God can be. They (and we) have a lot to be thankful for and prayer reminds them of this. Every host child will have a different reaction to this aspect of your life. Some will be very interested, while others will find the crowds of English-speakers all grouped together at church overwhelming. They might withdraw or be openly opposed to these gatherings. Don’t take it personally, or even as a rejection of Christ. There might be something in the child’s past that causes him or her to respond this way. Model love and try different things, even if the response isn’t what you had hoped. Remember that the truth of God’s word never returns empty. Salvation We have had children accept Christ during hosting programs and ask to be baptized. While this is awesome, it would not be understood in their home culture. “We are not the healers, we are not the reconcilers; We are sinful, broken and vulnerable people who need as much care as anyone we care for. The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make our limited and very conditional love The gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God.” -Henri Nouwen Bibles Please plan to purchase a bible for your hosted child. For younger children, consider a children’s Bible. Also, consider pictorial visual aids such as the “Evangecube” to share the story of Christ without needing printed or translated materials. Bibles are available in Latvian, Russian, Ukrainian, Mandarin Chinese, and Tagalong. You can purchase a Bible for use while the child is with you, but you cannot send Bibles back to China due to the Communist government. Filipino and Eastern Europe kids may return with a Bible. If you want to purchase other materials, realize that some China children speak other dialects and may not 29 understand Mandarin. However, most school age Chinese children do read and understand Simplified Chinese/Mandarin. Latvian children speak either Latvian or Russian. Ukrainian children, depending on the region they are from, may speak Ukrainian or Russian. Here are some additional resources: Eastern European Mission: http://www.eemeurope.org/books/ Bibles available in Latvian, Ukrainian, or Russian; all in stock and free of charge. Consider a donation. Russian Missions: http://www.russianmissions.org/resources/books.asp Not only Russian Bibles, but all sorts of Christian/Russian literature. Notice titles are listed under “books” as well as “other publications.” Multi-Language Media: http://www.multilanguage.com/ LOTS of wonderful Christian materials! International Bible Society: http://www.ibsdirect.com/ Have Russian and Chinese New Testament Bibles. American Bible Society: http://www.bibles.com Have Russian and Ukrainian Bibles. Ethnic Harvest: http://www.ethnicharvest.org/bibles/index.htm Offers help on finding bibles in any language; most leads are to other sites. Latvian Bible Society: http://www.bibelesbiedriba.lv/en/gramatu-katalogs.html Offers many different Christian books and bibles in Latvian, but will be coming from Latvia, so order early. Bible In My Language: http://www.bibleinmylanguage.com/ The Jesus Film Project: http://www.jesusfilmstore.com/ They have Latvian, Ukrainian and Russian materials. The Story of Jesus for Children is EXCELLENT! Other Sources: Amazon.com, eBay, Barnes and Noble 30 4 Chapter Chapter 4: Arrival Day Media Flight Information and Designated Airport Meeting Area What to Bring to the Airport Airport Information Before You Leave the Airport Items for Ride Home Media Invite your local media to meet the kids as they arrive or to do a story before their arrival. Calls from NHFC to media are generally ignored, but calls from local hosting families are seen as a human interest story. Consider local newspapers, magazines, and TV. Orphans sharing an “American Christmas” is a particularly popular human interest story and very popular with media outlets during that season. One call and a follow up letter led to a full 3 page spread with color photos with two articles that followed up over the summer months! Later, the reporter actually followed a particular host family to many events and then went with our interview team to interview the orphanage director of the child whose story he covered, which produced the final story! Our hosting program doubled that next program due to those articles! Start sending announcements and making calls NOW. If you are met and asked questions by any media, BE positive and BE prepared for negative questions. Please send us the links to any articles or news story you are involved in. Call your coordinator for a sample email to send to media. You cannot list the child’s orphanage name, number, their last name, or birthday in any articles or online. DO NOT give this out. You jeopardize them being adopted by you or anyone else. Not everyone who reads about our program likes it or agrees with it. Realize that what goes into the press is available online, and the children’s countries read these stories. You can refer to your child by their first name and country. Refer reporters to NHFC if you feel uncomfortable or they press you for more info. NEVER present the program as an adoption program. This is a hosting program. Maintain this at all times, under all conditions, even if you are planning to adopt…NHFC is a hosting program. 31 Flight Information and Designated Airport Meeting Area Specific flight details will be provided by your coordinator along with information about where to meet at the airport. Make sure you have put your coordinator’s phone number in your cell phone. In the airport ONE designated representative in each city will arrange to meet the flight/escort the kids to a designated area. Do not attempt to get a gate pass. With increased security, we will not be able to block hallways or walkways. Airport officials do not appreciate large groups gathering inside. While we can’t change gathering there, we can be as courteous as possible. Please obey the airport rules. Stay behind the lines in designated waiting areas. If airport staff tells you to move or makes a request of you, please comply; they’re just doing their jobs. Remember that we’re a Christian organization and try to glorify Christ in all you do. What to Bring to the Airport Your child is going to be tired and nervous. We ask that you do the following things to help make their arrival easier. Welcome Sign and Greeting Remember to bring you welcome sign. See Chapter 3. When your child sees your sign with their picture on it they will slowly approach you. Some are fearful, some are not. Greet them with a quick hug and say hello. Introduce yourself. You can call yourself “mom and dad,” and/or offer your names. The majority of the children will call their host family mom and dad, but some of the older children will call you by your name. Ask your child to pronounce their name. Many times, the way we might say a name is different than how it is pronounced in their native language. One family thought their child’s name was Olga, but discovered late in the program that it was pronounced “Ol-ha.” Other children have nicknames—Alexanders are often commonly called “Sasha” for example, and many Asian children have a different character that they write representing a shortened or less formal version of their name. Some children don’t even know their proper names. The chaperone or airport coordinator can help you ask this before you leave. Gifts You are not required to have a gift for your child, but it is often a great way to break the ice and show the child your excitement. Keep these minimal and wrapping or gift bags are not recommended. Remember the child is exhausted and doesn’t know you. Good airport gift ideas are: balloons, flowers, stuffed animals, glow sticks, or other little trinkets. You will also want to have water and snacks for the child. These do not need to be a gift, but simply something you offer. Many families keep these in the car, or bring them in a small bag. Attire Your child will arrive wearing New Horizons for Children shirts. Some of them are embarrassed by this, because it identifies them as separate and “orphaned.” Others don’t mind at all. It all depends on the child. You want to show the child that you are excited for them to belong to your family, and that you are willing to look goofy, too. Many families purchase the same shirts so that they will match their child. NHFC will send an email with information about how to purchase these shirts. Other families wear patriotic shirts as a “Welcome to America” greeting. Some also adorn themselves with American 32 accessories—necklaces, hats, flags, glasses, etc. Make your excitement for hosting visible through your attire! Airport Information The children will have traveled upwards of 24 hours by the time they arrive! Some also travel by car/bus/train just to get to the airport ahead of 24 hours of air travel. Be prepared for tired, possibly moody, cranky, thrilled, scared, crying, stoic, shy, or motion sick kids and realize they may simply be exhausted from the physical and emotional strain. The very young ones sometimes have “melt downs” when it comes time to separate from chaperones. Be prepared for the possibility of crying and for fear levels to be high. We never know. Not only will the children be sleepy, they’ll be more nervous than you are. Expect them to be quiet their first day/night. They probably won’t make much conversation on the ride home. (Though we’ve had many a host parent who said their host child chattered away in the backseat all the way home, so your experience may vary.) Don’t be alarmed. The quiet won’t last long. Little ones NEED CAR SEATS/BOOSTERS under age 9. These kids are smaller than ours! If under 100 pounds, they cannot ride in the front seat of a car. Remember you have had months to prepare AND you selected the child you are hosting. They probably only learned about coming no more than a week or so prior to arrival, will receive your letter and photos at the airport, and they did NOT pick your family. So, be understanding of moods and odd behavior in the first few days of acclimation. Imagine sending a child of yours, of this age, to another country, and not going with them, and then they are asked to depart the airport with total strangers who are ecstatic to see them, but don’t speak their language. Have some patience and do your best to care and show care until they get to know you just a little bit. Note that your own children may do very well when we adults seem to lack in creative ideas! Before you leave the airport It will be very chaotic once the children arrive and meet up with their host families. It is imperative that the following things happen BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE AIRPORT: Greet and thank the chaperone. NHFC will give each chaperone a Thank You card with gift card. Your hosting fees have covered this purchase. But please check in with them before leaving the airport. Thank them for traveling with the children. They may also have papers for you to sign. Have your family’s photo taken by the local coordinator before leaving the airport! We must e-mail these to our overseas coordinators to prove everyone arrived safely. DO NOT LEAVE THE AIRPORT WITHOUT A FAMILY PHOTO! And, PLEASE, everyone have patience. All the other families are just as ready to leave as you are. Sign any necessary paperwork. Most countries require you to sign that you have officially picked up your host child. This document is with the airport coordinator or the chaperone. Obtain your host child/children’s medical insurance card/papers if you don’t already have it. These are typically emailed, but if not, make sure you get yours at the airport. Make sure they are wearing their nametag. He or she should already be wearing a nametag. These are to be worn at all times when the child is outside your home! Do NOT forget the nametags! NHFC travel shirts are only required on arrival/departure days. Check to see if your child/children have any luggage. Sometimes they do, even if it’s empty, but many will not. Your child may not even remember if they brought a bag or not. The best thing to do is have the program translator or a chaperone ask the child if they brought something. Check for passports. Make sure your child is NOT in possession of his or her passport. Usually the chaperone has already collected these. NHFC must retain these throughout the program in a 33 locked safe at our home office in Acworth, GA. Chaperones are not to keep the children’s passports and our airport coordinators are to collect them and return to the NHFC office. Verify that the airport coordinator has the passport before you leave. The only exceptions are children age 17 and older and chaperones who must keep these in case they are to travel via flights within the USA during the program. For the older kids, the host parents are asked to copy the ID pages and the visa page, and email them to your regional coordinator with a note that the passport is in your possession. Items for the Ride Home If you are traveling more than 4 hours to your home, depending on the kids’ arrival time, consider getting a hotel and driving home the next day. Let us know if you need help locating local accommodations but www.priceline.com is usually a pretty good place to start. Car Sickness EXPECT YOUR CHILD TO EXPERIENCE MOTION SICKNESS (especially the younger children) and have over the counter pills on hand for your way home from the airport. In the beginning, one of the hardest adjustments for some host children is coping with the continuous use of the car to go somewhere. Most children have never spent much time out of the few rooms at the orphanage or walking in nearby villages, so vehicle transportation is not “an everyday thing” for them. This much time in the car can cause for a great deal of stress and the only way some have to communicate that stress is a tantrum. If your child gets car sick regularly, try “Sea Bands” to wear on wrists, ginger tabs and/or Hylands Motion Sickness Natural Tabs. (Dramamine or similar) is also available over the counter in chewable/dissolving tablets. You might consider preparing a “Car Sickness Kit.” Get a plastic tub and stock it with plastic bags, paper towels, spray cleaner, a bottle of water, and wipes for cleaning up. Comfort Items Once you are on your way and travel is going okay, offer your child a snack or small drink. It may be night time for them so a blanket and small pillow can be comforting. 34 5 Chapter Chapter 5: Connecting and Interacting with Your Host Child Family Concept Presence of Host Father Learning How to Play Language Discipline Family Activities Family Concept An analogy on a blog discussing adopted children: Assuming that an orphan does want a family, wanting something does not make the transition to it easier. My analogy is when I become pregnant. All my life I had wanted to be a mother. I was fortunate that I was able to get pregnant. Then came the morning sickness and the hormones made me feel depressed and scared. I feared that if this did not work out, it was all my fault. I had what I had longed for, but it was hard. I cried because I didn't think I could feel so sick and unhappy for another day, and yet, this was what I had wanted. Luckily the second trimester brought relief from feeling so awful and I was able to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy. Although we wanted our daughter so much and were so happy to have her, the transition into parenthood is huge. It is life changing and takes a lot of communication and adjustment. I imagine that a child in a group home can feel similar. They want a family, but then once there, it is harder than they thought. Their day to day l ife is nothing like it was before, there are new rules, new people, new ways to interact, and it is scary and hard and the joy of getting what they wanted, is dwindling as they fear that what they wanted is not what they thought it would be. They worry, if this doesn't work, it is all my fault, what have I done? What have I asked for? What have I agreed to? How can I fix this? Will I be able to do this? So, while that doesn't necessarily give guidance on how to help the child, maybe thinking in those terms, with that analogy, will help all of us adopting orphans to be able to empathize. 35 The concept of "family" is foreign to host children in that the American way of family life is completely different than what they have experienced. Many are on their own to get up, get ready for school, walk 20 minutes to school, etc. During any free time, they are given free-reign to wander the orphanage grounds and in a 3-4 mile radius. For others, their routine is so structured daily that they actually have difficulty transitioning to a less regimented routine. In Chinese educational culture, free time is rare and extremely limited. For some, that can mean a difficult time accepting help from anyone for even basic tasks. When they envision family, some think it might mean fewer rules. So, when a host parent asks the child to do something like hold their hand when crossing the street, the host child might not want to listen, thinking they’ve had enough of being “bossed around” by the caregivers and didn’t expect a host mother to fill that role. On the contrary, many will expect the host father to “be the boss!” and not be a caring, loving and gentle parent. Presence of the Host Father Do not mistake the power of the host father’s interaction and how that will affect all host children, both male and female. Most of the children are used to female caregivers and the presence of a strong male figure in their life just isn’t there. The host father has a very important role, sometimes more important than that of the host mother. The host father should lead by example on how a father and husband is supposed to act within a Christian family. If it is possible, we recommend the host father stay home the first few days to help set the tone of the household and to show a unified front. Dad, don’t be afraid to HUG your host child. Physical touch, as simple as a hug, facilitates bonding. Dad, HUG your wives in the presence of your host kids. MODEL respect and love for the mother of the household. You are a powerful example during these weeks of hosting; you are single-handedly revolutionizing the role model of a husband and father for a hosted child. You are so appreciated for your role in this hosting! Learning How to “Play” Some host kids are extremely helpful; they want to help vacuum, dust, mop, fold laundry or clean dishes. But sometimes they do this because they do not know how to play and lack creativity and imagination in thinking for play time. While you should include them in household chores, make sure your teach them to play. Dr. Karyn Purvis, bonding and attachment expert, explains the value of play: “Play is shared joy and a great vehicle for active learning. Playfulness signals safety, making it especially healing for children with special needs. Use playfulness and positive feedback whenever possible throughout the day…You know healing has begun at that sweet moment when you and your child look into each other’s eyes and smile with sheer delight.” Watch her video Gifts “Give Your Child Playfulness.” 36 Language Emphasize the importance of learning English by daily reviewing English words with flash cards or postits. This is a very important aspect of our program and we strongly encourage parents to do this as much as possible with children of school age. Explore online websites prior to your host child’s arrival. These sites provide both phonetic translations as well we recorded voice to help with pronunciation. Some suggestions are: www.stars21.com/translator/ www.translate.google.com www.lingvosoft.com/free-online-dictionaries/ Keep in mind new ones come online frequently that are free Also check out apps for your phone or tablet. Many are free. Discipline Be patient with the children. They’ve most likely never experienced a stable family life. They haven’t had a whole lot of constructive discipline, though the orphanage workers and chaperones do their best. Some may have been exposed to discipline which is physically and emotionally abusive. And, for some, they have no idea about conflict resolution. Consistency is very important, as you don’t want to send mixed signals when it comes to what is or isn’t allowed. The kids will be nervous, confused, excited, and maybe a little bit spoiled while they’re here. Just like your children, eventually they will test you. They’ll test your boundaries, your commitment and your love. To them, it’s too good to be true, so they TEST, TEST, TEST to make sure they are not dreaming. You staying true to them and “passing their tests” may be the greatest gift they’ve ever received. Stay strong and discipline with love and understanding. No matter what happens during the day, unconditional love is vital with these “unique” kids. Challenge yourself to finish every day by tucking the child into bed, praying, giving a hug and saying good night… even if the day has not been a good one. It speaks volumes to our kids. Many times, we learn that some behavioral problems stem from the child not understanding and not knowing what to do with a head full of feelings they don’t understand and can’t communicate. Some kids adapt better to the language and culture than others. Just like when we travel abroad, for some of us it’s easy to adapt. For others, it is the most stressful thing in our lives. While you have discipline in your house down to a regular routine, it’s probably taken you a while to determine what type of discipline works best with your children. Every child is different and simply changing the technique of discipline you choose may yield more results. Just as every child has a particular love language that speaks most effectively to them, every child has a form of discipline that also teaches the lessons most effectively. Learn how to be pro-active to help avoid control battles before they happen. Watch Amy Monroe “Avoiding Control Battles.” Consider watching episodes of shows such as “Super Nanny.” Examples of acceptable discipline: View Parenting Strategies That Connect by Dr. Karyn Purvis for insight on how to effectively correct children while still empowering and connecting with them. 37 Correct the behavior verbally first. Make certain the child understands the behavior is not acceptable in your home. Make sure the child understands what they did wrong. They cannot change what they don’t recognize as a problem. If there is a repeat occurrence, correct the behavior verbally by asking and giving them a “re-do” opportunity. If there is a repeat occurrence, initiate a consequence and if you need backup support from a chaperone, contact them. The child may be acting badly mostly due to fear or confusion. Time with mom or dad may help the child feel secure. Have the child help with food preparation or house cleaning or weeding the garden or sweeping the driveway. Some of this is not "pleasant" therefore they get the punishment, but also one on one time with a host parent. See Dr. Karyn Purvis explain “Using Time-In Instead of Time Out.” Remove a beloved item for the day or an appropriate time frame as the situation requires. Examples are to remove video games or TV privileges. If there is any act of aggression, no matter how small, respond swiftly and firmly, but don’t panic. When we were children, our mothers worked those behaviors out of us early on. No one is sitting with these children while they play and correcting that behavior. If the problem persists the chaperones are very helpful and can usually take care of behavior issues. Do not talk negatively about your host child to others in front of them or publicly via outlets such as your Facebook status. It doesn’t matter what language you think the host child speaks and understands, it’s just not nice or acceptable. Negativity breeds negativity. Do a reality check on your feelings and reactions every once in a while and realize this is a very unique child, with unique challenges who has had a past that probably none of us can even imagine. Their reactions will be different from any other child you’ve ever met in your life. Repeated negative comments that make their way to home countries will be really onesided and have the potential to put your family and our program in a very bad light. There are typically one or two “non-traditional” or “surprise” children. These are children who are not adapting well to the hosting environment or the changes it brings. It may show itself in many different ways. They may have difficulty getting along with other family members, be overly withdrawn, seemingly ungrateful and moody. In the beginning, it could be fear, jetlag, previous warnings from ill-willed caregivers about Americans, or a combination of many things. Ultimately, we won’t know your problems, unless you TELL us by contacting your coordinator and reporting in the ONLINE WEEKLY REPORTS! Our host programs have been going since 2002, and we have lots of experience to share. In addition to your coordinator, we have mentor families and behavioral consultants who are available to assist. If a child is simply not working out in your family and must be moved, we do have emergency and back-up families available. See chapter 7. Physical Discipline Under NO circumstance are you allowed to spank, slap, yank, pop, curse at, pull hair or ears of any hosted child. You should also consider refraining from doing anything similar to your biological children in the presence of the hosted child as they may misunderstand this as physical abuse. Spanking a host child will result in your local law enforcement office and Department of Children and Family Services being contacted by us. Don’t jeopardize the program or a possible adoption by spanking a child. Spanking a child who does not legally belong to you is illegal in China, Philippines, and most states in the USA. It is not allowed within the program of NHFC. Do not risk international prosecution. Do not spank a host child! 38 Family Activities The most valuable time for the hosted children will be family time. Spend as much time together as possible as a family doing Bible Lessons, English lessons, prayer, cooking, hygiene instructions, board games, family meals, etc. Show your love and commitment through eye contact, hugs, and words of appreciation. This may be the child’s only chance to experience family life. NOTE: Eating out is a luxury and oddity for host children. Try to limit waste when possible and don’t eat out every day. The chaperones constantly make comments about us feeding our children unhealthy fast foods. Some children will have never been to a restaurant; others would go there very infrequently, perhaps once a year. The kids will love all the typical things kids love—riding bikes, swimming, sports, skating, etc. Most of the older children have been able to swim with no problem while some of the younger children will say they can swim but they cannot. In the winter, try to locate an indoor pool at least once and be prepared to have a swimming suit for your child. Ask for free passes at gyms/pools if you are not a member. We’ve had several children who liked to go running or jogging with the host parent and walk the family pets. Tennis and basketball were also popular. For Christmas hosting, going to look at Christmas lights and helping decorate has been very popular. If your family can wait, try and get your Christmas tree and decorate it with your host child after their arrival. Decorating homes and yards is virtually unheard of so outdoor decorations with lights is a thrill and new experience for them. Many of the hosted children are very artistic and enjoy crafts. Perhaps make some homemade ornaments. One family took their host child and a chaperone to a pottery-painting studio. We’re not sure who enjoyed it more! Other suggested family outings including church events, parks, museums, theatre, sports, swimming, picnics, visit relatives, family vacation, free concerts, free movies, etc. Consider activities that aren’t all about “entertainment.” Look into fun learning activities, make exercise a game, and cultural activities an adventure! Also, realize that if you are on the go during the hosting program, though that isn’t the “normal” pace of your life, you may be setting your host child up for disappointment on a subsequent hosting or in the case that you adopt. While you certainly want do some special things and have new experiences, resist the temptation to entertain the children daily versus spending time at home using imagination, creativity and down-time. 39 6 Chapter Chapter 6: Hosting Specifics Name Tags Ongoing Communication Weekly Online Reports Group Activities, Chaperones, and Chaperone Host Day Cell Phones and Internet Safety Medical Information Travel Plans Car Safety & Outdoor Safety School Attendance & Testing Babysitters , Camp, Sunday School, Youth Group, etc. Movies & Music Alcohol and Parties Name Tags Name tags will be given to your host child before they arrive. Kids must wear their nametags any time they are off your property. They have important security information including NHFC contact information in case they become lost. Make a copy as soon as possible so you have a replacement name tag. Some children will not want to wear them, but it’s not optional. Others will want to tuck them inside their shirts. That is acceptable as long as you know they have it on their bodies. This is explained to them prior to coming so it shouldn’t be a huge problem. If it is, call a chaperone. They may remove the nametag when swimming, but please keep it close at hand and make sure they put it back on upon exiting the water. Road ID bracelets do not replace the NHFC Name tags. Ongoing Communication Contacting NHFC Your regional coordinator will be your MAIN source of 40 information before and during the program. We use email and private Facebook boards before and during the hosting program as our primary means of communication. Make sure your coordinator has given you access to the secret Facebook page for this hosting season. There you will find advice, information, mentors and encouragement 24 hours a day. Please be sure to check your email at least once daily, especially while the children are here. If you do not have email or Facebook available at home, please let us know. Otherwise, we expect that when something is emailed out, that you are reading it or getting it daily. Please adjust your spam settings to allow @newhorizonsforchildren.org emails to be delivered to your inbox. Put your Regional Coordinator’s phone number in your cell phone BEFORE the children arrive, and also our NHFC Pediatrician, Dr. Beverly. It’s hard to remember where the #’s are during a crisis. For emergencies, Dr. Beverly and Le Ann’s cell phone numbers are also listed on your child’s ID tag. Contacting Chaperones Have your child call their country’s chaperone the day after they arrive and then every 5-7 days until the end of the program. The kids may not always want to call, but it’s very important that they keep in contact with the chaperones. KEEP A LOG OF ALL CALLS ATTEMPTED, as you may be asked to show these later if a chaperone states they have not heard from your family/host child. Weekly online reports also ask if you reached the assigned chaperone or translator if needed. Do not leave voice mail messages. As much as we try to explain, most chaperones from other countries do not use voicemail. Texts are more likely to be seen, but considering the potential language barrier, they may not be effective so don’t rely on them. Texting CAN NOT replace actual phone contact with your assigned chaperone. Most times your call will be returned based upon a chaperone seeing a missed call on their caller ID. Regardless, just keep trying and if you can’t get through after a couple of days, contact, Bethany Allen for Asia, or Lydia Collins for EE, so they can find out why the chaperone is not responding. Contacting Foster Families and Orphanages (this applies to Latvia only) The only country with foster families is Latvia. Host children from Latvian foster families are required to call home to their foster family upon arrival and once every 7 days after that. They may access email, the Latvian social networking site (draugiem) or Skype upon arrival and once every 7 days with their FOSTER FAMILY instead of a phone call. This requirement is the direct result of the Latvian foster parents who are fully educated in the program and therefore are not in any way looking to make trouble, simply wanting to know that a child who is truly a “member of their family” is safe and sound. If there is any question as to whether or not your child is a Latvian foster child, ask us. All other host children from Latvia need to call their orphanage or transitional living home on a weekly basis. Please document these calls and attempts. Many times, the translator or chaperone is from their orphanage and checking in with them is considered sufficient. Check with your coordinator. Weekly Online Reports All host families MUST complete the weekly online report. These are reviewed each week by our staff and Regional Coordinators as well as the lead translator for each country. They are a safe place to let us know the child’s issues and your concerns. Please be very honest with us. We cannot address a problem that we don’t know exists. Each program, we are surprised to learn (sometimes through the “grapevine”) of a particular child’s issues, yet those issues were never listed in any weekly report. Weekly report links will be 41 emailed to you each week a day or two prior to the due date. Each link is unique from the others, so make sure you are responding to the correct week’s report. On each weekly report, we do request the weight and height of the hosted child in order to track their progress while here. Certainly, this can be a sensitive issue for some teen girls on our program. You may want to explain that pounds are much larger than kilograms so they are not shocked by the large number. If you find that you have a sensitivity issue, just let us know and certainly we will not force you to weigh her for the duration of the program. Group Activities, Chaperones, and Chaperone Host Day Local Group Events China has different rules please contact your coordinator for more details. For all other countries, if you are located near a large enough group, you will receive a schedule of the events in your area. These events continue to build trust with our chaperones that the children are happy and well taken care of. Chaperones attend these events. Their culture is very different than ours. Asia chaperones may not trust people and their motives. Older Europeans also don’t typically trust people until it’s earned. We have to show that we are worthy of their trust- and earn it. Taking part in the hosting program is making a commitment to the ENTIRE program, including the chaperones. It is understood that we are all very busy, but failure to attend these activities can damage future programs. If an emergency arises and you cannot attend, contact us so we can avoid any awkward situations with the chaperones asking about a particular child and we don’t know why you are absent. You should not send your child to a planned activity with another host family unless it it’s the only way for her/him to attend and you have approval from your coordinator. Electronics are not allowed at the scheduled events. Help us all avoid unnecessary distractions and the temptation for your host child to show off of expensive items to their friends or risk them being lost or stolen. Expect some interesting/odd behaviors leading up to, during, and possibly a few days following events as the children have their “orphanage face” and their new found “family face.” Let us know if major issues arise regarding time spent with other children on the program. During our Atlanta welcome gathering, the majority of the children avoided each other the whole time even if they came from the same orphanage. Some children even acted like they did not recognize their caregivers. So do not be surprised if you observe similar behavior patterns. Chaperone Selection Each country selects their own chaperones for each trip. They may include orphanage directors, Social Workers, general caregivers or teachers and these individuals are personally held legally liable for the children in the states during the program. ASIA: While the Chinese chaperones all speak Mandarin, and the Filipino chaperones all speak Tagalog, many will also speak a local dialect. Some speak a good deal of English as well. A translator is available during China hosting. Information will be provided to host families prior to arrival of the children. 42 EE: While Latvians typically speak Latvian and Ukrainians typically speak Ukrainian, many speak a good deal of English and Russian as well. Latvia is more westernized than Russia and many Latvians don’t particularly like Russians since they were occupied for many years against their will by Russians. Be considerate of this situation and don’t assume Latvian or Ukrainian chaperones will befriend your Russian friends right away. Please do not put ANY chaperone on the spot and ask specific questions about a child. The children come from many different orphanages and may have only met some chaperones on the day of travel. DO NOT ask any questions regarding ADOPTION or ADOPTABILITY from ANY CHAPERONE without first speaking with NHFC staff. This is officially and legally only a HOSTING program. If a chaperone asks you personally about your adoption intent, explain it is a consideration, but as this is a hosting program, and you’re treating it as such. The chaperones may have questions for you. Be honest in your answers, and remember our translator will help you to explain things appropriately as well. When a chaperone is asked a question he or she doesn’t know the answer to, culturally, they may make one up in order to “save face” and not appear ignorant. Remember, not only does each country operate differently in regards to orphans, often each orphanage has its own judges and social workers, and respond to situations differently. Just because you are speaking with a chaperone who is from one particular region’s court does not mean they will have knowledge of the workings of other regional courts. So do not panic if they tell you something that seems out of line with something NHFC has told you. Please contact us and we will speak with you about it. Chaperones have innocently “ignited fires” with their comments MANY times before and we kindly ask you to bring the concern to us prior to sharing with other unsuspecting host parents who would likely only worry too. We understand host families have concerns and want every possible detail of each child’s past and history. However, this is considered “confidential” information and hosting parents are not authorized to know it all. If you were to move to the “adoption” phase, then you would have a legal right to know additional information through your adoption agency’s representatives. The chaperones will not have most of the answers about each child’s history or specifics. Please direct these questions to NHFC and we will try our best to contact our in-country partner to find out more. Chaperone Host Day If you are located within 1.5 hours of a chaperone from your child’s host region (China or EE), it is mandatory to spend at least one day during hosting with them. Philippines equires at least one visit with a chaperone during the child’s stay. If this is not practical due to distance, then weekly skype sessions must be scheduled. Families should establish a weekly time with chaperone as the children arrive. Host days may be an entire day, half-day, weekend or a few days. The chaperones are also looking forward to experiencing some fun activities while they are here. The chaperones are generally loving, caring, conservative and intelligent people who have a true desire to experience our culture and appreciate what our program and families are doing. Show your sincere appreciation for them coming, because without them, there would be no program. Remember, the time you spend with a chaperone is an investment in the program and any potential adoption later, should your family decide to adopt. They report back to their superiors and the orphanage directors their impressions of our program which allow us to expand into more areas and help more children. We want to ensure the ongoing success of NHFC by having supervising 43 adults speak positively about our program and our families. Suggestions for chaperone days might be museums, art galleries, Botanical Gardens, going to downtown areas in major cities, an Aquarium, park, movie, theatre, zoo, concert or sporting event. Keep in mind that most chaperones do not usually travel with much money as their incomes are very low compared to our standards. We do budget and provide each chaperone with $50 per week for personal spending. So, you may ask if they wish to go shopping or out to eat, but do not assume they have unlimited funds to do so. Please be sensitive to this situation. Your family should plan to pay for the chaperone when you take them for your day out. This should include lunch and/or dinner depending on where you are going and for how long. Offer to take them to a particular store if they need anything specific. Coordinate with the chaperones and their host family for drop off and pick up the chaperones. It is important to remember to plan events with the chaperone’s host family or chaperone coordinator, because the chaperone does not always know, understand, or remember prior engagements that their host family has already scheduled. It is the host family’s responsibility to pick up and return a chaperone on their chaperone host day or make arrangements to meet somewhere. If you can, try to coordinate with other host families nearby to help everyone not have to drive so far. If you plan an overnight event, make sure the chaperone knows to pack an overnight bag as well. Anyone who wants to spend extra time with the chaperones should try to contact the chaperone coordinator or the chaperone’s host family at least 48 hours in advance to make the request. Some chaperones don’t realize they don’t speak enough English to understand you if you speak to them without an interpreter. So, be careful about getting into the “nodding game” and assuming you were understood. If they are not fluent in English, the visit can still be pleasant and you may be surprised at how much can be communicated through body language or translation devices. If you have a friend outside of NHFC who offers to translate, please be sure to inform them that under no circumstances are they allowed to discuss the topic of adoption with any program chaperone and/or your host child(ren). A well- meaning interpreter can easily say something not allowed in our program, while thinking they are “helping out.” Adoption CANNOT be hinted at or discussed AT ALL. Don’t allow translators who may not be familiar with our program an all-access pass to your host child or a chaperone; they too must be educated about what should not be discussed. Cell Phones and Internet Safety Phones During the interview all children under the age of 18 agree to not bring cell phones. Those who are 18 and older are allowed to bring their phone, but are told that they need to refrain from participating on social media while in America. Some orphaned children may have cell phones. They are cheap, cheap, cheap and widely available in Europe and China. Don’t assume that because an orphan has a cell phone, they can’t be too bad off in their country. Minutes for phones are sold in every gas station, convenience store and corner market for pennies on the dollar. They do not have cell phone plans; it is not like here at all. If your child comes with a cell phone or mentions having a cell phone, realize that is not uncommon as they are literally everywhere. However, if a child asks you to buy them a cell phone here in America to take back with them, do not. If the child wants to purchase a cell phone or electronic item (like a camera) for someone back in their home country, do not allow such. It is easy to buy them whatever they ask for, but we ask you to please refrain from this. Even if the cell phone is an old cell phone that you aren’t using, do not do it. We realize some of you simply do not understand our reasoning, but remember that we know what can make a child a target upon returning to the orphanage, regardless of your best intent and thought. Please abide by the rules we have set before you. For those who are 18 and over families are encouraged to help these young adults set appropriate limits for phone calls and to follow family rules for phone use. If your host child arrives with a cell phone and 44 they are under the age of 18 let them know they are not allowed to use the phone for calls, texting, or unsupervised internet access. Some children bring nonworking phones to use as a camera or mp3 player; this is acceptable, but please check to see if it is wifi capable . If you discover they are using it inappropriately, contact their country coordinator (Stephanie Shanks for Latvia, Renee McAlpin for Ukraine, or Bethany Allen for Asia) and they will call the chaperone and have them resolve the situation for you. General Calls home ARE NOT ALLOWED. They may ask, but just let them know it’s a RULE of the program. The children are allowed to talk with one another in America and chaperones and it never fails that at least one host family doesn’t abide by this rule and of course, it always comes back to us in a wave of calls or Facebook posts from other host families or chaperones speaking on behalf of children who don’t understand why they can’t do it, too. The country directors are willing to explain it to a child with the aid of an interpreter and chaperone if you are not able to explain it to a host child’s satisfaction. We don’t mind being the bad guy in situations that help you be the parent. The one and ONLY exception is for children being hosted in Latvia who need to contact their foster family, orphanage, or transitional home on weekly basis. Internet Children (including youth and young adult host children) are allowed limited access to the internet as long as it is fully supervised. We have seen more harm than good come from children accessing social networking sites and email while they are here. We do NOT allow this type of communication for host children of any age. Host children and young adults are not allowed to post on social media or send emails during hosting. One reason is to protect them from others back home or even other children being hosted from their orphanage who can influence them negatively, even through email or social media, which will then affect your visit with the child. A second reason is because if the child is having a bad day in your home and is facing discipline, you have no idea how a child’s “venting” will be interpreted back home by other children. Social media posts will certainly be discussed with social workers and others associated with the orphanage. We have had orphanages contact our country representatives based on information they heard regarding children who were currently being hosted; we then had to investigate, explain and do damage control. Please block the sites. We can’t stress enough how supervising and limiting internet usage or blocking international sites will SAVE you from potential stress and difficulties later. On computers, ipads, etc. with internet access, some gaming sites are appropriate, such as skill games and hangman. Some might even help them with English. For music, try mp3 sites like mp3ninja. They can put in key words and play songs for free. Some may want to access YouTube, but you need to monitor that closely for inappropriate content. However, children have gone to, what we thought were innocent gaming sites, that had pop-ups for pornography. So please fully supervise all access to the internet. If you are hosting a teen, keep in mind the Eastern European teens often have unrestricted access to the internet. They are giving this up to come here, including many of their connections with friends, who they often view as their only family. Be sensitive to this. Give them opportunities to connect with that world in appropriate 45 ways. One way to do this is to have them show you the pictures on their own or their friends’ page on social networking sites (but remember, no posting). Another way to connect is to ask them to show you videos they like on YouTube (be cautious about videos in other languages as they may be very inappropriate). This is often a wonderful bonding activity and they will open up their life to you through the pictures you view together. Be careful when you do this, however. They may try to log in at other times when you are not around. Many Internet security systems allow you to unblock and then re-block websites when you are finished looking at them. Always supervise all computer use. Medical Information Insurance Your hosting fees provide catastrophic medical insurance for your host child. Close to arrival you will be sent an electronic insurance card and a link with details regarding coverage. Please review this information before an emergency arises. See Outdoor Safety below for a list of prohibited activities. Eye and Dental Exams See Chapter 3. General Medical Concerns & Emergencies We are not allowed to schedule children for any physical evaluations or treatments unless prior approval is obtained from the lead chaperone. Emergencies are a different situation; handle them immediately and alert NHFC if one occurs. We may need to locate a chaperone to attend doctor or emergency room visits, as well as an interpreter for you if necessary. No matter what city/time zone you are in, please text and call Beverly Lense, MD at 678221-1313 day or night! TEXTs are better for her during the day, as she may be with a patient and can look at a text and respond easier than taking a call. If you notice any medical concerns with your hosted child (asthma, allergies, rotten teeth, etc.) please alert us immediately. A simple call of concern to Dr. Beverly during two past programs revealed appendicitis and required emergency surgery! Don’t hesitate to check out something that isn’t quite right. She is dedicated to our program, our mission and our host children. If your child gets a cold or is “sick”, let us know and plan to take him or her to your pediatrician. You may need to pay the normal office visit fee. Many doctors will waive this or reduce it once you explain you have an orphan child and are hosting them for the summer or winter. If you have an emergency, do all you can to contact your regional coordinator and program director. In case of an emergency, the #1 priority is to treat the child. Do as you would for your own child in a similar situation. If asked about allergies to medications, state you DON’T KNOW, unless you have been specifically told about one to any medical professionals who may ask. Keep in mind, if a prescription is needed Walmart, Kroger, Publix, Giant Eagle, and others offer $4 generic prescriptions and some have select antibiotics free of charge. Medication Upon arrival to your home, check your child’s things to make certain there is no evidence of medication being given to the child. We do ask each orphanage about medication for the children, but sometimes a child is placed on medication between our interview and their arrival in America for hosting. Your 46 program director will attempt to confirm this information as close to the children’s travel date as possible. If you find any medication, call Dr. Beverly so she can understand what the child is taking. She will also be able to call in prescription refills if necessary. Children in orphanages in China do not usually take prescription medication. In the past, some children came with an unmarked supply of over the counter medications. Families were told to put them away in a safe place and return them to the home country with the child at the end of hosting. Please let your coordinator know if this happens and set it aside to return home with the child. You may give the child American over the counter medication during their time here. In some rare cases, children may have meds from their home country that are used to treat various, and sometimes very serious, medical issues in America. Please do not be alarmed if you see a medication that is used in the USA as a psychotropic medication. Many times in Eastern Europe, these are also used to treat ADHD in very small doses. We are not at liberty to take them off of these without approval. Lice Upon arrival, we suggest checking your child as quickly as possible for lice. If confirmed, use a lice shampoo on your host child. This should be done with sensitivity, especially with the older children. Lice are very common in the orphanages. While your host child may not have originally had it, with so many children traveling together, sometimes only a handful of children can spread it in the close quarters of an airplane. To avoid having it in your home, clean all the child’s clothes and belongings upon arrival. If you notice lice, please let us know so we can alert other host parents. This is a concern for all our host children, but especially for children from China! Travel Plans You must submit a travel document to your Lead Progam Director for any out of town travel plans more than 200+ miles from your home. Please see Travel Form. NHFC and assigned chaperones MUST know where each child is, at any given time. Travel within the continental United States is generally okay. However, children and chaperones are not allowed to cross the border or leave the country for any reason. They would not be allowed re-entry as their VISA is for one-entry and one-exit only. Children should never spend the night away from their official host family, unless it is a documented emergency and approval has been obtained from the staff of NHFC. Car Safety & Recreational Safety Some kids have NO clue about car safety and seat belts. Be prepared and require this FROM THE BEGINNING. Children under the age of 9 need to be seated in car/booster seats. If under 100 pounds, they cannot ride in the front seat of a car. All children should be wearing helmets while riding bicycles and skateboards. Please exercise discipline in this area to protect the host children, maybe even more than you normally would. The law in many states requires children age 16 and under to wear a helmet at all times when riding a bicycle. If your own children do not follow these laws, they will need to set a good example of compliance while the kids are here as well. At a minimum, NHFC encourages families with a swimming pool to have a pool alarm or prevent access to the pool. Families must be in compliance with all local, state, and federal rules in your area regarding 47 swimming pool safety. When swimming, children should always have adult supervision. Most host children will tell you they can swim, even if they cannot. Any recreational activity that is excluded from coverage is not allowed for host children. Please see the policy website. There are no exceptions. Our insurance DOES NOT COVER accidents that result from extreme sports such as parachuting, mountain climbing, etc… In addition our insurance does not provide coverage for accidents resulting from martial arts, hunting activities, white water rafting, off road motorized vehicles, tractors, snowmobiles, bmx racing, etc. Go-karts are allowed and being the passenger on a boat/jet-ski is allowed, along with tubing. Snow-boarding and downhill skiing are allowed on designated trails. Aviation is not allowed, beyond being a passenger on a commercial flight. Shooting guns is NOT ALLOWED. No target practice, deer hunting, shooting ranges or lessons are allowed in regards to guns of any kind, including Airsoft and beebee guns. Use your discretion for allowing/introducing “nerf” style guns and playing laser tag. School Attendance or Testing School aged children expect and are told they will study English while here. You should plan some daily lessons for them and be a good teacher as that is one of the goals of the program. The children from Asia have a much more positive attitude towards learning, education and school compared to our kids and host kids from Eastern Europe. If you have never home schooled, get on our program Facebook page and ASK! There are lots of ideas and ways to do this. There should be no specialized testing taking place during hosting. This includes medical, educational, or psychological tests. This would be confusing and potentially damaging to the host program. Do not, under any circumstances, set up testing for any host child. If you would like to discuss this, please call your program director directly. Hosted children can visit with local schools and attend school parties and functions, with the permission of the school, and if the child is comfortable doing so. You cannot enroll a host child in any school, whether public or private, during hosting and they are not allowed to be placed in daycare centers. Bringing them here to put them back into an “institution” is not a positive experience for most children, especially when they don’t know whether you are coming back and don’t trust that you will. Please consider using alternate methods for part-time childcare if needed. Babysitters, Camps, Sunday School, Youth Group, etc. If another adult is responsible for your host child for any period of time, they must be cleared with background checks and child abuse clearances just as you were. These caregivers, even if it is the host grandparents must have a background check submitted to NHFC. For Day Camps, Sunday School, Youth Group, etc. you need to make sure host child is in a group with someone 18 or older who has a background check on file at the school or church that can be supplied if necessary. Never leave a hosted child with other children under 18 as caregivers. Do not leave your child out of your sight if caregivers have not been cleared with a background check. If your host child is 18 or over, they may attend Sunday School or other events where the adult in charge has not had a background, however, the host parent should remain on the premises. Please note host children are not allowed to attend day care centers or summer camps as a means of child care. Recreational/social summer camps should be limited in duration and selected on the basis of the host child's interests. Inhome babysitters (with background checks) are allowed on a limited basis, however, for Philippines the in-home sitter must be a member of the family or extended family (with a background check). 48 Movies and Music Many of our host children have been exposed to things we would consider unacceptable in our families. It’s OK and recommended to say no if you feel the content is inappropriate, whether they’ve see it before or not. This will apply to video game ratings as well. For children from Asia, we are not sure of the types of movies they have been exposed to. Kung Fu and karate movies as are very popular as well as Asian movies that we might never see or realize are even made. In the same way, movies they may mention could be rated-R and they may ask to watch movies you wouldn’t have otherwise allowed them to watch. Recently, an EE host parent was livid that a host child asked to watch “American Pie.” Yes, its content is inappropriate, but remember that they don’t necessarily realize that morally it’s not a good movie AND perhaps the child thinks it’s a popular American movie simply based on the title. Don’t judge them based on the choice or mention of a certain movie. They may not even understand what they are asking for. Introduce Christian music in the car and at home. It will be wonderful when you hear them sing along to a praise song, though they may not understand the words at first. It is okay to allow the children to listen to secular music. However, please use discretion and steer them away from music with negative themes, language, or violence. If it is not appropriate for your own children it is not appropriate for your host child. Do not send RAP music by non-Christian groups home with the kids or load it onto MP3 players. Be mindful of lyrics. If you aren’t sure about an artist or group, Google the lyrics of the song, ask a parent of teens or ask another teen. Host kids may ask for certain groups to be uploaded to their MP3 player, but just because they ask, doesn’t mean you need to do it without first checking the lyrics of the songs. They may not have a clue about the words, but they don’t need to hear it. Alcohol and Parties The lives of many of these children have included abuse, neglect, extreme loss and many disappointments. Because we don’t know each child’s history, coping skills and experience with alcohol, we ask for your personal commitment to abstain from any kind or form of alcohol in front of the hosted child. This may include not attending parties where alcohol may be consumed as you never know what kind of trigger this will have on the child and their emotions from past trauma. We’ve seen many children doing wonderfully in a host family, only to “lose it” after seeing alcohol in the household, witnessing others drinking and/or the host family also participating. This is quite serious. This is not a religious preference or personal request, but one using common sense. We have seen meltdowns due to alcohol happen; you do NOT want to be the cause of it. We ask that you please remove all alcohol from your home, unless it is a wine cellar and then lock it off and do not expose the child to this collection. Remove any empty bottles of wine or other liquors and beer to someone else’s home to retrieve later. Look at things that might appear to be alcohol and remove them as well. You may read this and think we are over-reacting. PLEASE understand that is not the case. We had a real incident in a recent program with a family who had a small fridge in their garage with all natural “root beer” and “ginger ale” inside. Their hosted kids found these and shut down. (Consider-they couldn’t read the labels and the bottles looked like beer bottles to them.) The next thing we knew, they had talked to their chaperone and explained their host family was secretly alcoholics! Another situation with the same host family was with a bottle in the fridge of vitamin type juice that looked like wine… and that just reinforced the idea that the family must be alcoholics. The moral of the story is to be extra cautious and try and see thing through eyes that may not speak English or understand American culture. Certainly some restaurants have bars. Try to steer clear of sitting in or near those areas. If you find yourself at a party where there is alcohol, explain to your host child you will not be drinking alcohol and if they seem at all concerned, leave the party. Once, after LeAnn adopted their 13 year old son (at the time) Taylor, they were all invited to a Russian family’s home for a traditional Russian dinner together. While at the table, Taylor was eating and enjoying himself and sharing with the family about his life. With dessert, wine was brought out and placed on the table to share. Instantly, Taylor became sullen, got physically ill 49 and had to leave the table. He refused to talk, eat or even explain why the sudden change in his personality. Later, after many hours of talking and tears, it came out that his father was murdered after drinking a glass of wine with dinner. It triggered a memory of the last time he saw his biological dad alive. It’s not worth the risk to have a glass of wine or drink over the 4-5 weeks of the hosting program. Please understand and accept this request. If friends or neighbors question you, blame the program. We don’t mind. 50 7 Chapter Chapter 7: Orphan Behaviors and Trouble Shooting Concerns Delayed Development Manners and Social Skills Lack of Gratitude Materialism Resisting Activities Curiosity Fear of the Dark and Sleep Issues Food Issues – Overeating and Hoarding Pouting Manipulation and Control Behavior Towards Your Own Children Aggression and Violence Pornography Sexual Behavior Reactive Attachment Disorder Special Issues – Removing a Host Child In most of the following descriptions of behaviors, the common thread is fear. These children live with deep wounds and scars and suffer a great deal of constant fear. As each situation arises, they will either "fight", "freeze" (shut down), or "flight." They will either act out with some sort of behavior we consider unacceptable, or they will retreat and shut down. Fear is very real in the lives of children from hard places. Dr. Purvis provides a great overview on “The Impact of Fear.” As you work through some of these behaviors with your host child, keep in mind that they are responding from a position of fear; you can show them unconditional love even through discipline. The goal is not to simply make these children behave better, but rather the goal is to help them feel safe and loved, even in the midst of correction. Delayed Development Children who come from difficult places are often delayed in many ways, especially, emotionally and developmentally. Dr. Purvis provides a good overview for understanding that host children have numerous needs that have gone unmet in their past. Please see the video Why Won’t My Child Act His Age. Your host child may act 1-3 years younger than their chronological age due to lack of 51 nurturing parental exposure. If the behavior is immature, but harmless, allow the child just to be and nurture them from that place. Even teens have been none to sit on their host parents laps to receive a hug and cuddle. If the behavior borders on being inappropriate, sexual, or aggressive try to find an alternative appropriate behavior that is acceptable. Manners and Social Skills Because these children are coming from a different culture, their manners are not going to be the same as ours all the time. There are a few behaviors that are commonly seen that might be troublesome, but remember that some of this is cultural. Be cautious of disciplining cultural naiveté. Instead, simply try “Here in America, we….” For more information about these cultural differences, See chapter 2. Swearing American swear words are very popular in other countries. They listen to American rap, and even in songs in their native languages, the only English word will be the f-word. Sometimes American swear words can be found on clothing in much the same way we use Asian characters - it’s fashionable. They do not understand the true meaning of these words. Here are some ideas for curbing the use of swear words: Tell them that it is a bad English word. Give an alternative that is acceptable. Ignore it. They may be looking for a reaction from you. Instead of engaging, redirect and pretend that you didn’t hear it. They may stop if they see it doesn’t bother you. If the child is older, explain the meaning of the swear word. They may not understand what they are saying and be embarrassed. Call your coordinator or chaperone to have it explained to them in their own language. Middle Finger Children are told not to use the middle finger in America; however, some of them still do. In many orphanages, it is seen as a “cool” way to be rebellious or edgy. Sometimes they think it’s funny that they know how to do a “bad” gesture from American culture. They do not understand how offensive this can be. Sometimes the bigger a deal you make about it, the more they will do it to get attention. Remember that even negative attention is attention to them. If they use it in anger or frustration, tell them no, but focus on getting to the root of the frustration or fear instead; don’t get hung up on the insult and lose an opportunity to hear their hearts! Ignoring it and giving positive attention as if it never happened can also be effective in lessening its use. If it becomes a consistent problem, contact your coordinator for help. Lack of Gratitude Families are always surprised by what they perceive to be a lack of gratitude. However, these children do not understand what it took to get them here and they do not understand what it takes to love unconditionally. They cannot give what they do not have in them to give. Teach gratitude, but realize it may not come as readily as you would like or think. Model and demonstrate gratitude in your family using please and thank you. Encourage the family to go around the table at dinner and say one thing they are thankful for. Have your children send thank you notes to families who helped in hosting. List things your family is thankful for on a poster board and keep adding throughout hosting. For more ideas, see chapter 2. 52 With gift giving, whether Christmas, Chinese New Year, or a summer birthday party, the children are usually overwhelmed. Therefore, their reactions may not be exactly what you might expect to see. The child will absolutely LOVE the items you give them, but reacting in the way typical of our children might not happen. They may be VERY reserved in their emotions until they know you better. There can be a myriad of reasons they may contain their reaction so don't be offended. There's so much going on inside these special children but they can be reserved in showing those emotions. They feel inside the same excitement and joy our kids feel, but knowing how to express that or feeling the freedom inside to express it is an entirely different matter for them. It is common for Chinese children to try and give gifts given to them to others as well. You might have a child who is embarrassed to accept gifts and wants to give them back to you. Please don’t be offended and realize, it is again, a cultural difference. Materialism For orphans the “hunger” for things is a natural result of years of oppression and/or poverty. Materialism and “getting rich” is often a driving force. One way this can manifest itself is if a child asks for a brand name item. They are simply hearing the same advertising as our children. Just because they ask, doesn’t mean you need to oblige. We encourage you: do not feed the materialism monster. In China there is a huge market of knock-offs in regards to name brand items. Our first program, the kids arrived wearing Nike jackets and Reebok shoes. Additionally, it is common to discuss what people make for their salary. So, having a child focused on money and things is a cultural issue and not something we can change in 5 weeks. However we can be aware of it and not label a child as ungrateful or greedy. Clothing quality and brand name is usually very important in their country. If you feel your host child has any tendency towards materialism out of the sheer abundance they are surrounded by, remember that is completely in YOUR control as the host parent. The power of “NO” is yours. A teen girl certainly might ask for new boots if she sees them as you are walking through a department store. If that’s not in your budget, all you have to do is say no. We do not under any circumstances want our host families to feed into the lie that we are all rich Americans who are just about things and stuff. The power is OURS to maintain the focus on Christ. We are each responsible for what's placed in a child’s suitcase. Resisting Activities Many families plan activities, fun events, and outings in hopes of giving their child many new experiences that he/she has never had the opportunity for in the past. Other children never want to leave the house, and host families become frustrated and discouraged that all their summer plans are going up in smoke when the child drags their feet and melts down or shuts down every time they leave the house. There are many children who are too overwhelmed by these things; however, they thrive beautifully in the intimate setting of home and family. You won't know what to expect of your child, so be willing to be flexible and re-adjust your expectations from the beginning. Quiet family time and the steady predictable rhythm of day-to-day life in the home can be far more 53 healing to some children then toting them around town to experience new things. They have never experienced a healthy family environment, and that experience will have far greater impact on their lives than whether they had fun at a pottery class. You will need to watch your child at first and see what they respond well to or negatively to. Each child is different. Make plans for activities, but set the expectation that your child may prefer to always be home, and that is ok. It may be very boring to you, but it is a dream come true for them. Operate on a strict routine for at least the first week and phase in less structured time. If your host kids do not need a strict routine, this will not hurt or offend them. If, however, you have a host child who needs structure, you will save yourself a lot of energy by starting that schedule/routine from the beginning. Here is an example of a daily routine: wake up breakfast clean-up self and house engage the mind academically - English, educational board games busy body activities - biking, swimming mid-day meal busy body activities healthy snack down-time activity - TV, movie, journal, nap evening meal family clean-up house or yard Curiosity Your host child may be curious of your home to the point that he/she will rummage through drawers and cupboards. This is not abnormal, just part of the child's personality. If you find this offensive, direct the child with an organized activity. Crafting, playing outside, watching TV and journaling are all acceptable ways to distract. If you do not care that he/she opens drawers and pulls EVERYTHING out of the drawer while looking, smelling and touching the contents, you may just be content watching them explore and learn. In the end, your junk drawer may end up organized! In order to control impulsive behavior, for example, in seeing a craft cabinet, put a sign saying “please ask” in their language. You might escort your host child around the entire house and show them what’s in closets and drawers, letting them know what they can have access to. Fear of the Dark or Sleep Issues Most host kids have experienced some type of trauma, abuse, neglect, or isolation. Nighttime and bedtime can trigger feelings of fear and vulnerability. You might experience this as resistance to going to bed, frequent coming out of their room, multiple trips to the bathroom, or the child denying they are tired. Don’t assume bedtime behaviors are acts of disobedience. Remember, these behaviors likely involve real experiences of trauma and fear. Try to understand what is behind the behavior. Even if your child is unable to verbalize their fears you can increase feelings of safety by: Having a consistent night time routine – story time, prayers, hugs, and tucking them in. 54 Keeping a night light or string of Christmas lights lit to gently illuminate the room. Provide a stuffed animal and special blanket – even for older children. See “Effective Ways to Deal with Sleep Issues.” Food Issues – Overeating and Hoarding See chapter 2 Food issues are very common for kids from Hard Places. Dr. Purvis suggests several strategies in “Engaging Food Battles with Connection in Mind.” You will experience issues and struggles surrounding food in varying degrees, because food is an emotional trigger and evokes many different behaviors from children. Some children will horde food in their room because they have suffered extreme hunger in the past. Some children will just not want to eat vegetables. Other children will refuse to eat ANYTHING you put in front of them, because they don't know about our foreign food. As much as we want all our children to make healthy eating choices, you will not change their eating habits in five weeks. It is a losing battle. A great deal of bonding can potentially take place around the dinner table if you will pick your battles wisely. Find a few individual foods your child likes and keep them available (any type of noodles, bananas, watermelon, cereal, etc.) If they want to eat those things every day for 5 weeks, that is ok. It may seem boring and awful to you, but it provides comfort to them. You will avoid a great deal of turmoil and free yourselves up emotionally to engage in more productive time with your child. Occasionally there are some children who eat host families out of house and home. Generally, let the child eat and it will slowly subside after about 2 weeks. It’s not a situation to worry excessively about. Some of them don’t understand moderation and others get frustrated in making the simplest of decisions. Encourage and praise for small decisions they do make and show alternatives when the best isn’t made… without crushing or condemning them. A way to alleviate the child always asking for food (or just taking it) is to allow the child to hold the food in their pocket or take it with them in the car with the understanding that they can eat it at a designated time. A small basket of healthy food items on the kitchen counter that they are free to take whenever can help relieve hoarding. So does a small basket of food items in the bedroom. Use a translator for this to help the child feel secure. You know he/she will eat at the restaurant, but the child doesn’t know for certain that he will not go hungry. Pouting We read the term pouting and think of our own biological children and how they pout. Many of these orphans can take it to an extreme you may never have experienced before. They may shut down completely for long periods of time and leave you feeling helpless and frustrated. And it may happen on a regular basis. A frequently sullen, sulking teenager in your house is probably not what you signed up for. So you may have to adjust your approach and look for what is driving the behavior instead of focusing on the behavior. Many host families have discovered that the child was shutting down because they were overwhelmed and frustrated with the language barrier or feeling they could not understand the family or be understood by the family. Their emotional development is delayed, and they are in a foreign country. That is a difficult combination. They may also be pouting simply because they’re not getting something that they want—a can of Coke, an unhealthy snack right before supper, freedom to run off and not stay with you at the waterpark - or Wal-Mart. Regardless, try to get to the root of the problem as it may be something as simple as a 55 misunderstanding or something “lost in translation”. Try to understand the trigger. Show patience and look for creative ways to give them a voice and draw them back. Allow them time to emotionally pull it back together. Manipulation and Control Some families have been surprised by the extent of their child's attempts to control every situation. This will reveal itself in many different ways: manipulation, aggression, repeatedly asking for something, questioning everything, attempting to "parent" the other children in the home, throwing fits, taunting, or latching on to a parent and requiring their attention at all times. This is EXHAUSTING to many families who will have to navigate through it every single day for 5 weeks. You will need to approach it with grace and understand that they have lived in an institution or environment where their schedule is rigid, constant, and beyond their control. Now they're suddenly in a family setting where the schedule is looser and may vary on a daily basis. Their daily rhythm is disrupted, and they have no idea what to expect. This can cause fear of the unknown and an even greater need to try to control everything. They also have unrealistic expectations of this time, just like the families do, and they are trying hard to get their expectations met. Watch Dr. Karyn Purvis video “How Do I Handle Manipulation and Control.” Behavior Toward Other Children in the Home Do not expect your host child to be buddies with your own children or become good playmates who get along all month long. While it does happen in some families, it isn't always the case. Your host child may be one who feels threatened by children already in the home. They may be internally grieving the loss of family and love that they should have had. That grief may manifest as hostility toward your children who they resent for having what they themselves have lost. Some host children may constantly mock or act rudely toward your children. Sometimes they try to push your children away from you and insert themselves in an attempt to receive the love and attention. This will require grace on your part to see past the behavior and understand where it's coming from. We have very strong emotional responses to our children being treated badly or unfairly, and it will be difficult to respond with grace, correct the behavior, and love unconditionally. You will have a balancing act of protecting your babies as well as ministering to an orphan who is desperately in need of your love. Make sure your own children have a voice and you arrange the environment to keep them safe. See chapter 3 Preparing Your Children. Help alleviate the stress and pressure by giving your children time away with you, your spouse, or special friends. Be in proximity when children and host child are together. Teach your host children how to play appropriately with peers. Notify you regional coordinator if any concerns arise for my ideas and suggestions. Aggression and Violence Most of the children on the program are not violent, but occasionally a child will become destructive in the home. Sometimes the behavior can be curbed, and sometimes the child will need to be moved to a different home. The first tool is awareness and an understanding that you may experience the unexpected. All precautions are taken during the interview process to rule out children who may have violent tendencies. The New Horizons interview team takes this very seriously and involves caregivers, psychologists, and foster parents in the decision making process whenever possible. However, when you add the additional stress of a new environment, rules, time zone changes, adults, culture, and language barriers, a child may exhibit behaviors never before seen. This is not a common occurrence, but it is a possibility to be aware of and prepared for as best as possible. Watch Dr. Karyn Purvis video “Responding 56 to Aggressive and Violent Behavior.” If your host child becomes aggressive please notify your coordinator as soon as the situation is under control so that they can support you in addressing the behavior. Pornography Pornography is widespread in Eastern Europe. When you are walking through Eastern European airports, you have to practically hold your head down or you’ll just be bombarded with images that you would not desire to see. We’ve not seen this in China or The Philippines at all. In order to protect host children from accessing inappropriate content while in your home, we suggest you have a block on your home computer if you plan to allow the hosted child internet usage. See chapter 3 Also see below Sexual Behaviors. Sexual Behaviors Like tendencies towards violence, children with a history of sexual abuse or a history of perpetrators of sexual abuse are rare and New Horizons takes care during the interview process to rule out children who may harm other adults or children in any way. If a child has a known history of sexual abuse or acting out in a sexual manner then a family is informed of this history in advance of matching. Children with a known history of perpetrating sexual abuse would not be selected for hosting. However, families should make sure to stay aware of their host child’s behavior and use common sense to keep all children in their home safe. Watch this video from Dr. Karyn Purvis to help you understand “Helping a Child with Sexualized Behaviors.” Unfortunately, many of our children have been exposed to inappropriate and sexually explicit behaviors. It can be found in inappropriate movies, television shows and ultimately pornography. They may mimic things they have seen in order to gain attention. When there are older children and younger children in group settings, it can also be typical of older children encouraging younger ones to do certain things and then laughing at them and asking them to do it for others to get even more attention. Because of the child’s age, they generally have no clue what they are doing is anything except a “show” and want to have the “stage” of attention. Unfortunately, in a group setting where there are very high ratios of children to adult caregivers, children who desire attention, will present negative behaviors to gain this attention. A child who has been sexually abused may exhibit or display certain behaviors such as: age inappropriate behavior, bed wetting, sexual acts with toys, drawing pictures of sexual acts, masturbating, or initiating sexual behavior. Children may have regular nightmares or fear of bedtime, or fear of getting undressed for bathing. Children with a history of sexual abuse may feel scared, ashamed and confused. If you choose to host a child with a history of sexual abuse, make sure to respect the child’s feelings, and reassure the child of their safety in your home. Honor your host child’s comfort levels with touch and hugs. Let them know it is okay to have their privacy. If you host a child who is exhibiting concerning signs: Contact your regional coordinator immediately Make sure you supervise your other children carefully and do not leave them alone with host child. Establish basic rules of privacy, modesty, and appropriate touch. Let your own children know to talk to you immediately about any concerns that arise with inappropriate language, pictures, or touch. R.A.D. (Reactive Attachment Disorder) Host children have often missed out on the nurturing interactions that parents provide to babies without thought; holding a baby while crying, providing interesting toys to play with that allow a child to learn, meeting hunger and thirst with food and drink…These all are the building blocks for trust, logical thinking, social interaction and so much more. When a child lives in an orphanage and misses out on all of 57 these interactions, catching up is tough and they certainly will lag behind their similar age and stage peers here in the USA, even in something as foundational as how to be a good friend. You can't just hurry the catching up in development process; they’ve missed years of discovery. You can’t “microwave maturity.” Some things can present themselves as RAD, but they are not. RAD is commonly misdiagnosed as BiPolar, ADD or ADHD, as they have similar symptoms. Some signs of RAD are: A child who rarely or minimally seeks or responds to comfort when distressed. Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others. Limited positive affect. Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident even during nonthreatening interactions with adult caregivers. This is serious stuff with very poor outcomes. All orphans and children who have lived in institutions have trust and bonding issues. This is different than RAD and over time will be corrected. Please use caution when reading online sites about RAD. There are many different types and many different opinions about it that are posted without medical knowledge or first-hand experiences. Not all kids are alike, and not all kids with RAD are the same either. We do our best to try to identify children who may have attachment issues during the interview process, however, sometimes these issues are not seen until later on in hosting process. Special Issues – Removing a Host Child Reasons a Host Child Will Be Moved During the course of the host program, it is sometimes in the best interest of the host child and host family to move a host child to another home. We do NOT take this decision lightly or without just cause. Otherwise, it goes against our message of showing unconditional love to a host child and parenting them in a way that allows them to correct mistakes. The following are reasons a child will be moved: Child is repeatedly (after correction and showing the child how to behave) hurting other people or pets in the home Child is purposefully damaging home property Family has major crisis such as death of an immediate family member When a chaperone contacts NHFC and tells us to move a child from a host family for any reason In the end, NHFC has the right to move a host child from any host family, for any reason that is deemed in the best interest of the child and the future of the hosting program. In all cases, permission must first be granted by your country program director before a host child is moved. Again, we stress that moving a child should be THE last resort. The host family is NOT permitted to MOVE a child without permission to any home other than one that New Horizons for Children has pre-approved as a back-up family. Steps that must be taken before a host child is moved to a back-up family 1. Contact Regional Coordinator (email, text, call- do all 3 if needed). 2. Contact translator and child’s chaperone for verbal discussions with child in their native language. 3. Complete your weekly reports to accurately describe the situation so NHFC is aware there is a problem. 4. Keep a written log of the situation/problem, steps taken to alleviate/solve the problem and inform your Regional Coordinator who will involve NHFC staff and more resources to help. 58 5. 6. 7. When a move is requested, this written report must be submitted to show that every possible step has been attempted to avoid a move, so these notes are very important. If you are sharing on the private Facebook board, genuinely seeking advice, this is encouraged. But realize concerning comments made are taken seriously by NHFC and help/intervention will be enacted based upon the impression of what you are leaving with others online. However, this should not be your primary way of reaching out to alert NHFC staff, Regional Coordinator, the child’s chaperone or translator that you need help! See STEP #1. In writing, email your request to move your host child based upon notes from your log kept of the situations and steps taken to rectify the situation. This is required to get permission from our countries to move a child. Keep in mind, if we submit this request on a Friday, the orphanage in Philippines/China will not hear about it until Monday. So, be aware of holidays and weekends that can cause delays in getting permission to make a move. If steps above have been followed, NHFC staff and the child’s chaperone will seek approval to move the child from their home country authority, a back-up family will be identified and arrangements will be made to inform and transfer the child. Back-up Families The original host family is NOT permitted to move their host child to any other family. The host family is not to contact any other family about taking your host child as a backup. Back-up families are only available through New Horizons for Children. Our back-up families MUST have completed the NHFC application, background checks, attended training, completed a home safety visit and returned necessary signed paperwork including the prompt return agreement. The requirements for our back-up families are the same as any other host family. A host family cannot simply move their child to another family who has not been pre-approved through our organization. In the same way that original host families cannot move the host child to any other family, once a child is approved for a specific back-up family, the BACK-UP family CANNOT move the host child to any other family. 59 8 Chapter Chapter 8: Getting Ready for Departure Decision Day Advocating for Your Child Visiting Family Considering Adoption Getting Ready for Departure Rolling Duffle and Backpack Checked Luggage Items to Send Home and Gifts for Orphanage Items Not Allowed to go Home Acceptable Gifts Departure Day Decision Day While NHFC is not an adoption agency, we hope that children eligible for adoption find a potential forever family. During the last 2-3 weeks of the hosting program, we will ask you on your weekly report what your plans are regarding the child you are hosting. Knowing your hopes for your host child will help NHFC support you and serve your host child in the best way possible. It’s a team effort, so don’t feel you are on an island of making a decision alone. Please call us. Many of us have both adopted and NOT adopted from the hosting program. We understand your feelings and possible concerns. Ultimately the question is, "God, are YOU asking US to do more than host this particular child?" There are four possible answers to choose from: Pursuing adoption (see chapter 9, Adoption) Not pursuing adoption ourselves, but advocating to help find forever family Host only child we would like to rehost (see chapter 9, Rehosting) Undecided Families who intend to adopt often rehost their child while waiting for adoption paperwork to be completed. Children who are available to be adopted can ONLY be rehosted by the same family if you are considering pursuing them for adoption. Remember, though, you may not talk to your host child about adoption under any circumstances. Even if you are filling out paperwork or have completed paperwork, you cannot mention it to the child or ask if they want to be adopted; that is the responsibility of their home country. Discussing it can jeopardize a potential adoption. DON’T DO IT! 60 Advocating for Your Child In the course of hosting, you may find that as much as you love your host child, he or she is not a fit for your family. This is NOT failure. You have gotten to personally know this child and are his or her best advocate-you can speak knowledgeably about both their strengths and their needs. You are the child’s #1 advocate! However, you cannot put pictures along with “available for adoption” type information on the web. NEVER EVER, share their last name, orphanage name or specific date of birth. This is against the law and could end the hosting program entirely. But, you can share on your personal Facebook and through email with friends and families about the “mission” you are on to help this child. We ask this question as early as we do because another family may be asking about available children to meet, and we can direct them to call you and set up a meeting before the kids return home. Again, when the children meet other families, we do not explain that the visiting family is anything more than “friends of their host family.” It’s NOT about discussing adoption with the kids. Therefore, we do not move children simply because a family is not adopting. Visiting Family Considering Adoption If you have a family who is interested in visiting with you and your hosted child for the purposes of possible adoption, there is a VISITING FAMILY packet that MUST be completed prior to meeting with the child. The visiting family must complete the forms and fax them back to our office prior to visits with the host child. This is to protect the child, as well as your family. It would be illegal for you to share ANY information related to the child’s last name, orphanage or date of birth with ANYONE without our prior knowledge and approval. This is incredibly important and we WANT to help you advocate for your HOST child, but we must be aware of what families are making inquiry into our host children. It’s absolutely necessary. This VISITING FAMILY application will be emailed upon request. Please direct any potential visiting family to contact Melissa Macy for the forms. Contact Melissa Macy with any questions: 703-999-0408 [email protected] Getting Ready for Departure Keep a calendar visible for the host child and write “return to (insert country)” on the day they return. Mark off days as they go by. This way, the children will not be surprised when the day to leave comes. For younger children, make a chain of interlocking loops using strips of colored papers and hang it in their room. Each night, after prayers, tear off a link and allow the child to “see” that he/she is one day closer. Start packing the child’s suitcase a couple of days before their departure date. This will be another way to help them prepare for leaving. Consider writing a surprise note and send a surprise photo (no glass frames) and sneak it in their carry-on backpack at the last minute. This will give the children comfort as they travel away and remind them that they are loved. Do not allow your child to pack alone. Even the best-behaved children are tempted by all the things we have, and they might decide to slide in a few extra things without permission that you don’t intend for them to take. Explain that everything can’t possibly fit, so they have to choose from the things enjoyed most. Make it a point to “snoop” and just make certain at the last moment. You may do this outside the eyes of your host child so they don’t feel condemned. After your final “search,” take the bag out to the car versus leaving it alone with the host child for their last minute additions. Make for how to stay in touch with your host child, see chapter 9. 61 Rolling Duffle and Backpack Rules for Asia vary with each hosting period so please speak with your regional coordinator before making any purchases. Please purchase your child a backpack as they can also have one carry-on (backpack, oversized purse, messenger bag, etc.). You also need to purchase one 26”-32” rolling duffle bag. Do NOT exceed OR reduce this size! You will only risk running over the weight limits or making your child feel left out when they get to the airport and realize their bag is smaller than everyone else’s. For children under 10 try to keep it on the smaller end. Your child will be responsible for maneuvering themselves, their rolling duffle, and backpack through the airport on their own. Be aware that “maneuvering” is MORE than just rolling it along behind them. If your child is on a regional flight to JFK, they will need to retrieve their OWN luggage from the carousel, load it on and off elevators, trams, maneuver it in large crowds etc. and present it to the ticketing agent for their international flight. Once in their home country, they will also need to retrieve their OWN luggage from the carousel, roll it through busy airports and crowded streets, possibly load it on a bus, taxi or train and maneuver it down narrow hallways. (Ask anyone who’s ever been on one of our interview trips- they can tell you how difficult it can be!) It’s tempting to pack their luggage full—to 50 lbs. on the nose. But make sure what you pack can be EASILY MANAGED by your child. One of the biggest complaints from the chaperones who travel with the children is that the kids can’t handle their own items because they’re too heavy. Do not put liquids in your child’s carry-on luggage or any “non-approved” items. While waiting at the gate to board the first plane, if we (NHFC representative) sees an item that is not allowed, please know that we will (and have) take it from the child. Please don’t make us have to do this and explain at the gate to a child that the item cannot be taken home. This sets the tone for a BAD ride home. Checked Luggage The issue of LUGGAGE is changing daily with the airlines. Usually we are able to get the airline to waive the fee for the child’s one bag. If they do not, families will be expected to pay for their host children’s luggage on the return flight. The child’s ONE (1) piece of checked luggage may not exceed 50 pounds under any circumstance. Keep it under 48 pounds as airport scales often differ from your home scales. It is horrible to have to remove something at the airport. Space saver bags can be a great help in shrinking everything down to fit. Homeland Security mandates the following items be placed in your child’s checked baggage only: Toiletries- shampoo, toothpaste, mouthwash, perfume, aerosols, deodorant, eye care products Cosmetic products- perfume, hair spray/gel, lip gloss, mascara, nail polish, makeup cleansers, foundation Non-solid food items- soups, syrups, gelatin, pudding, yogurt, peanut butter Liquid soaps, sanitizers, bath oils, bubble bath Any creams, ointments or lotions All other liquids/gels not listed here 62 Items to Send Home with Host Child and Gifts for the Orphanage Unless you are planning to adopt the child, in which case you should keep some things here because items sent home will not return with the child, please try to send each child home with: Tennis shoes/sneakers (Get a little big for growing room) 3-4 pair socks (dark colors are often preferred by boys) 3-4 pair underwear: older boys tend to prefer boxers or boxer briefs. Toothpaste/toothbrush, soap, shampoo (Put all liquids and gels into checked baggage, not in carry-on.) Brush/comb One hand towel/washcloth (No large towels, they do not have clothes dryers or the space) One dressy outfit, consisting of a pair of slacks or skirt along with a blouse or button up shirt 2-3 winter outfits and 2-3 summer outfits (consider a size larger than they currently wear) Consider their climate when choosing “winter” outfits. One conservative bathing suit (if available in winter; but necessary for summer) Good winter coat, scarf, gloves, & hat. Philippines do not need heavy coats. Memory book/photo album with photos. You may pack a small album of photos in the carry-on, larger scrapbooks in checked luggage. Journal (present on the 2nd or 3rd day to the children old enough to write). 1-2 toys that do not require batteries (sports equipment is popular for all), cheap MP3 or inexpensive (under $35) handheld battery game is ok for carry for travel home. REMEMBER, no NAME brands or things that appear expensive. Small, inexpensive gift for their orphanage director and possibly 2 – 3 other caregivers. An idea is pretty notepads, notecards, stationary type stuff, low cost jewelry, and souvenirs from your host city. Items they can share with others who didn’t get to come on the trip (boys and girls). Perhaps rubber or stretch bracelets for friends, imprinted with faith based words and beaded jewelry that you can make together. Small, inexpensive things can be found at Christian bookstores or bulk catalogs like Oriental Trading. Stickers and decorated pencils are also cheap and easy to pack. You must return any items that the child arrived with, even if you think it’s useless, not necessary or doesn’t fit the child. Do not keep anything brought by the child for sentimental reasons; it’s not your property. Thoroughly search your home for any items that the child arrived with. While this takes up valuable space in the child’s luggage, you do not want to risk offending the child’s orphanage or foster family by selectively returning what you choose. 63 Items Not Allowed to Go Home We have no control over what happens to the clothes and toys once they go back to the orphanage. When a child returns to the orphanage, their items are inventoried. The orphanages will not hesitate to contact us after your child returns regarding inappropriate gifts. We have to do damage control after virtually every program because of the families who choose to break this written rule. We also ask airport security to let us know if any of these items are in carry-on luggage. It will be removed and not given back to the child. This recently happened at the Atlanta airport with a handheld game system which caused a meltdown and ruined the child’s attitude all the way home. Chaperones on the program will be advised that children cannot have certain things, so if you need reinforcement, use it. No Money (bills or change) of any kind. No gift cards. No battery operated electronics over $25 No electronics with plugs. Asia and Europe use different voltage. No iPods or gaming system devices (DS, wii, etc.), regardless if it is old or used. No name brand devices such as Apple (even if old). No camcorders, tablets, digital cameras, cell phones, boom boxes, name brand MP3’s, PSP, Nintendo DS, Kindles, etc. This includes used or outdated versions of these items. No expensive watches or jewelry. No cell phones (unless child brought it with them from home). Do not send RAP music by non-Christian groups home with the kids or load it onto MP3 players. Nothing made with glass. You can purchase small plexi-glass frames at Lowes or Home Depot. No vitamins, supplements, or over the counter medications purchased in America. If the child is given a prescription in America speak with your country director. Acceptable Gifts Commit to NOT spoiling the children with excessive money or gifts. Keep It Simple. Based on American movies or simply what they “hear” regarding Americans, some children will already think all Americans are rich. We do not want to reinforce this idea or present that “family” is the way to get “things.” It is crucial that host families understand this. This is important to the future of our program and the future for each child being adopted later. This is not to be taken lightly. You will be tempted to buy everything you can. Overindulging distorts the children’s perception of family, America and Christianity. Plus, everything will not fit in their duffle bag as they prepare to return to their country, so you may be setting them up to be deeply disappointed later when many of their acquired things cannot be taken back with them. We can’t buy love, and we shouldn’t try. Try not to go to too many stores. Wal-mart and Target have everything these kids need. If you go to too many stores, many days a week, the children will be overwhelmed and will soon develop a greedy attitude. You are leading by “example” in most cases because of the initial language barriers. Teach the child about being selective and reasonable about making purchases. Many times, the kids don’t have choices to make 64 from several different brands, as we do. For example, the word you’ll hear for tape is “scotch,” because that is the only brand they have to buy in most cases, “Scotch” t ape. If you shower a child with numerous things they cannot take home, it will be devastating to them. Especially with winter hosting which falls over Christmas, or a hosting when you celebrate a birthday of the host child, we strongly encourage you to gear your gift purchases towards useful things they should take home with them anyway, as well as small items that can be easily packed later. It takes a little creativity, as this is not how you buy for your other children. Use the following list as a starting point for acceptable presents. Disposable Cameras so they can take pictures, get them developed and allow them to select what goes into their photo album. No stand alone digital cameras are allowed to go back with them. If the mp3 player has a camera and it is less than $35 this is okay, but please review all of the pictures stored on the device before their departure. Up to $25 for remote control toys or handheld inexpensive electronic games (you may want to send extra batteries). Music, CD or Cheap Off-brand MP3. Girls 12-13 and under will like Taylor Swift or other preteen pop stars. Older girls maybe steer to Group One Crew, Britt Nicole or a clean pop or Christian group. Boys, just something clean. One MP3 or MP4 is allowed to be sent home with your child as a gift. However, it cannot be Apple or Sony. The price cannot be greater than $35. It cannot be considered a tablet of any type. Keep in mind that if your child lives in an orphanage, ANY gift such as this can make your child a target by others who get jealous and who have no scruples about how they obtain things from others. (steal, beat up, threaten etc.) CDs can be taken back to the orphanage and played for everyone. They have CD players in their group areas. Photo Album or Scrapbook for pictures they take here. PLEASE send a photo album home with them, no frames with breakable glass. Journal, small notepads and fun, cool pens, pencils & markers. Bibles in Latvian, Russian, Ukranian, Mandarin, or Tagalog for Filipino children. Chinese children cannot take them back to their orphanage or foster home. SMALL, light manipulative toys, not battery operated. Yo-yos, toy cars, small balls, action figures or small dolls. Remember, they have very little room to take things home. Sunglasses. Every kid loves to have their own pair! Jewelry. Doesn't have to be fancy, just $5 stuff is fine. All age boys and girls love this! Bag of different types of candies. Most everything will be new to them and ALL kids like candy. Get a variety, chocolate and non-chocolate; think Nerds, Gummy Bears & Jelly Belly's. Tickets for an event they can attend with you while here on hosting: a play, pottery studio, basketball game, hockey game, zoo, aquarium, I-Max, movies and ice skating passes. Craft Items from Michael's. Girls like the paint by number and virtually anything they can do without having to read ENGLISH directions. Boys like model cars and foil scraping kits (alongside the paint by number) and all like plastic sun catcher kits and virtually anything they have at Michael's or Hobby Lobby. Plus, it's quality time with the family. Board Games they can play with their host family or small travel board games in case they are traveling with the family while they are here. Jenga is fun, no English needed. Playing cards are always a good bet- UNO, Skip-bo, Old Maid, etc. Boys love to get wallets and so do girls. As a special request, see if you can find boy wallets that have a zipper compartment for change. It's harder, but they can be found. The boys will typically have change back home, which is easily lost in pockets. 65 Watch. Usually a digital face one, nothing fancy, just a simple one that's under $10/$20. Wall calendar they can use here, then take back. Older boys will love cars, girls will love anything girly. Thin/lightweight character blanket, like animals, Spiderman, Spongebob, Transformers. Slippers/House shoes. Shoes aren't worn inside and no bare feet running around, it's why their socks take a beating! New ones to take home would be great. Sewing, knitting or crochet supplies if the child shows interest or already knows how. Hygiene items such as a new character toothbrush, new hairbrush/comb and basic makeup items. For EE winter items to take back such as waterproof gloves, hats, and scarves. Departure Day Bring the children back to the airport at least three (3) hours prior to the time of their departure. You will be sent an email of the exact time you must check in. Please don’t be late as the chaperones and everyone is on edge and nervous that day and a late arrival adds a tremendous amount of stress to everyone. These children must go back, even if they find their forever families here in America. Staying in America is not legal and will immediately end our program, affecting the future of hundreds of orphans and ruining your child’s chance of ever being adopted. Don’t even think about it! To keep a child beyond the program is considered kidnapping and you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. In August 2009, our mission team was in Ukraine when a call came regarding a different US-based hosting program who had a family retain 3 hosted siblings in Florida. The end result was that the host children were taken by police and returned to Ukraine. That program is no longer allowed to host children and all others are now under great scrutiny because of that situation. Those children lost not only a potential adoptive family, but also their foster family in Ukraine because they are now living in an orphanage without any hope for a future through adoption. Remember, tickets and passports are NOT in the possession of the children or host families during the program unless you hosted an older child/young adult 17 and older. If you travel with your child, and they are under 17, no ID is required for domestic air travel. In the origination city, each host family will receive a Ziploc bag from one of the NHFC staff members/airport coordinators, which will have the following: Your child’s passport (or a note that the passport will be given in NYC because your child is not on a connecting flight with baggage/ticketing agreements. They must claim bags and recheck at the next point of departure). Your child’s I-94 white immigration card, VERY IMPORTANT and CANNOT BE LOST. This is with the child’s passport, so if passport is not in your baggie, this won’t be either) Baggage tags with your child’s name and country coordinator’s address and phone number Colored ribbons/yarn (unique to each orphanage) to be tied on to their checked bag and carry-on bag. This will help to easily identify the bags upon arrival in their country. Do NOT add your own ribbons or name tags to luggage. 66 Every Child MUST wear their New Horizons shirt they arrived in (wash it, then store it in a safe place for departure day) AND their NAME ID Tag. After receiving your child’s baggie, each host parent will individually check in their hosted child. Do not attempt to get a gate pass. Host parents are not to go beyond security with the kids. Remain with your child until they depart with the group. If you are also flying out, you will be allowed to assist the group through security, however, do not go to the gate with the children. This is a strict program policy that was long ago required by the chaperones who must regain control over the group of children prior to their departure. Do not send/give gifts for chaperones at the airport!! They are packed to the gills and cannot take them. Keep in mind that we cannot block doorways, hallways or walkways at the airport. While we want to stay together, we may not be able to stand around in one big group. Keep an eye on your children, as they will be tempted to wander from family to family to say good-bye. Prepare for last minute bathroom breaks and take them in advance. Stay close to the group to hear announcements for departure through security. Prepare for what seems like eternal waiting at the airport and then chaos getting everyone checked in. When it’s announced that it’s time, it’s time right then. Let go. Some kids will willingly go and others need to be “pushed.” Their outward emotions/behaviors aren’t indicative of their feelings for you or even if they enjoyed their time with your family. They don’t have the mature emotions to adequately handle things like this. Many times, they show no emotions. Don’t worry. Most anything is considered normal at this point. Saying good-bye may be one of the toughest things you’ve ever done, whether you plan to adopt or not. We all grow very attached to the children while they are here and see their situation from an adult perspective. Assure the children that it’s OK for them to be excited about going and sad about leaving at the same time. Let them know it’s OK to cry too. Your child may NOT cry, as they are taught/warned NOT TO CRY. So, don’t let this bother you if they don’t. Emotions may be out of control for the children and the host families. It’s OK to cry at the airport. In fact, if you don’t, we might wonder if you’re OK. Take tissues. Comfort your children. Give lots of hugs, kisses and assurance during these last few minutes. We try to update the Facebook page to let you know the status of flights as they proceed in their travels. While at the airport, please don’t take this moment to try and change all the procedures that we have tried our best to put into place. Everyone involved with the hosting program has suggestions, but the airport is not the time to get a rally going to make changes. EVERY TIME we think we have it all planned out and inevitably the airlines, security personnel or someone else makes a new plan for us. Please have patience with us and vent later. We usually try to take a group photo in the airports before they board, if there is time before boarding. 67 9 Chapter Chapter 9: After Hosting Maintaining Contact with Host Children Ziploc Bag Missions Trip Rehosting Student Visas Adoption If Your Child Does Not Find Forever Family Continued Support Maintaining Contact with Host Children Prior to departure day work with your child on how to stay in contact. Ask them if they have a phone, email account, or access to Skype on the internet. Include your email in the picture book you send home and perhaps someone on the other end may be able to assist them in reaching out to you. However, if you are not adopting and there is a new family who has committed to hosting/adopting your host child, you need to step back and allow that relationship to flourish. This can be very hard, and possibly feel something like a surrogate mother who has carried the child and now hands that child over to their family. Children in foster homes, those who visit bio-family, or older children often have access to skype or Facebook. You may be asked to “friend” them and even their friends will ask you to “friend” them. Please continue to adhere to all online posting rules see chapter 3. If you are able to use email or skype for communication please remember to respect the privacy of all children and do not “talk about” the behavior of other children from the hosting program or their host families. It is also not okay to share with any child information about the photo listing, and who has or has not been selected for the next hosting session. What you say about other children and other host families will get back to the orphanage director, which in turn jeopardizes future host session participation and even adoptions. Please do not talk about other children or their families. Please continue to follow our rules about what can be sent, see chapter 8. Even months after hosting, NHFC is contacted when a host child receives cash money in the mail from their host family in America. For the protection of the child, any future adoptions, and our program please remember that even if your family has chosen to adopt, it is not legal for the family to discuss this with the child or foster family 68 UNTIL AND AFTER the local authority has presented this to the child. Permission to talk to a child about adoption is only able to be given by the Orphan Court (Latvia), Orphanage Director (Ukraine), Children of All Nations (Philippines), and Great Wall China Adoptions (China). Your adoption agency can let you know when this has happened, but they do not have the authority, nor does an adoption attorney abroad, unless they have received approval to do so. If you are considering sending self-addressed envelopes with the children, keep in mind that US postage will not work with letters that don’t originate in the USA. In most cases this won’t be possible. (AGAIN, DO NOT send any money home with your host child, not even for postage.) Also, our phone cards will NOT WORK from other countries when calling to the USA. However, if you mail a package, check with your post office about how to fill out a mailing form. Do not insure the package or you will indicate “value” to a customs person overseas. By adding additional insurance or valuing the package contents high, import fees may be placed on a package. Orphanages do not have the money to pay these fees and then cannot retrieve the package. Ziploc Bag Mission Trip Delivery to Hosted Children After each hosting program, our missions team offers to take Ziploc bags of “goodies” to the previously hosted children. We do this as a fundraiser for our mission team members. For a $50 donation, we will take a gallon-size Ziploc bag that you fill as you desire with candies (non-chocolate so it doesn’t melt in transit), photos, letters and other special items. The Ziploc bag must close and we ask you to be conscious of how much it weighs. You will be notified when and how to participate. If we are able to deliver it personally, we will try to take a picture and send it to you upon our arrival back in the USA. However, many times we have to leave them with orphanage directors or mail them in country and are unable to obtain photos. But, considering how much it costs to mail a package, you’ll find that our fundraiser is very reasonable. Mission Trips are just after the kids return home, so typically mid January/early February, then again in mid August/early September. This is also very meaningful to the hosted children. We know of several children who were adopted after hosting who still have a special place to keep all their letters and packages their host family had sent to them! Rehosting Families who are considering adoption, adopting, or hosting a “host only” child are generally able to rehost their child during another host season if the orphanage permits. If you are interested in re-hosting, contact your regional coordinator and country director at the end of the hosting season/prior to the next season interview trips. While they are in the country interviewing new potential children they will check with the caregivers to see if your child is allowed to return. Fees are generally the same, minus the cost of the home safety visit. Student Visas While NHFC is NOT a student visa program, and does not bring children over for hosting via a student visa, we are always delighted when our previous host families find ways to continue to support their previous host child. For more information about student visas (not allowed in Ukraine), you can start by reviewing the student visa website at http://studyinthestates.dhs.gov.school-search. You can also ask in the support group on Facebook to gather information and ideas from other families who have been able to acquire student visas successfully. 69 Adoption New Horizons is NOT an adoption agency, but we are thrilled when a child finds their forever family through the hosting process. If it is your family’s heart’s desire to adopt your host child, please know there is no guarantee it will come to fruition. For various reasons, sometimes it does not work out. We have many resources to help you begin that journey. These include a list of agencies from your host child’s country, support group on Facebook to ask next-step questions, and other adoption resources. You are NOT allowed talk to the children about any aspect of adoption. Do NOT mention the possibility, the concept, the thought process or any form of the “A” word in their presence. This cannot be emphasized enough. No matter what you think or feel, do NOT do it. It is NOT helpful to them. It is detrimental to our program and to your future potential of being able to adopt them. The only thing worse than a child living in an orphanage, is having hopes raised that their life is going to change, they will be adopted, and then they are not. More often than not, children who are told they are being adopted, or being led to believe this, are the same ones WHO ARE NOT EVER ADOPTED. We get many questions from host parents about foster children vs orphanage children on our hosting program and adoptions related to them. NHFC has some host children who are in the foster care system from both China and Latvia. Foster families love the children and take care of them accordingly, which many times, is much better than being in an institution. But, Foster Families do NOT see themselves as the child’s permanent family. This is a job which also offers a home for their own family through fostering. They are fully aware of our program and the goals and objectives. As you realize there is a parent/child relationship, it’s natural to wonder if the child would “want” to leave their foster home. Certainly, the children are “attached” to their foster family as it is probably their first decent “family” experience so they should be attached to them. It is perfectly normal for them to express love, concern, miss and want to communicate with their “family” while they are here on hosting. Just as you want to communicate with your family members when you are away on a trip, it is no different for a foster care child. That does NOT mean the child will be unable or unwilling to attach and bond with a new, permanent family in the future. In fact, it should be a good indicator to you that they can and will attach since they show they have an ability to attach! Because a foster child has someone they now call "mom” and “dad," it is understandable for a host parent to look from the “outside” and assume that their situation is better than most and the child doesn’t really want to leave their foster family. We ask you please do NOT assume that simply because a child in foster care may have access to more attention than an orphanage child doesn’t make a foster care child “less needy”. Both are going to grow up and have no future and no permanent family. Focus not on what is “perceived”, but on God's plan for the life of your host child. For more information about adoption please talk to your coordinator and request the article “So You Want to Adopt.” If Your Host Child Did Not Find His/Her Forever Family Do not feel as if you failed. Do not allow guilt to rob you of the wonderful experience this was intended to be. While we pray the children will find adoptive families, our main goal is to allow each child to be loved and experience life in a loving family during the hosting program. We are bringing these children to Him. That is our calling for this program. And remember, we have ALL been adopted by Him so no one is without Family. This experience will give the children memories that will last a lifetime, as well as skills that 70 will help them in their futures and build their self-esteem. Helping them to develop faith in God will also carry them far in this life, but eternally in the next! Their self-esteem is raised a hundred times what it was prior to the trip. They were CHOSEN to come to America and if nothing else, they FLEW on an AIRPLANE! And, God willing, they should be able to speak and understand a good bit of English when they return. This is priceless in their countries! Even if they do not find their adoptive families during the hosting, we will not stop trying. We will continue to share pictures and information of all available children to all of our contacts as much as you provide to us. Some who go home without a forever family do find one in the weeks following the program. Others get hosted in the subsequent hosting program. Never stop praying for your host children and be proud of all you did while they were here. Be willing to talk to prospective families if someone calls you after stating NHFC asked them to call you. Share the truth: good, bad and ugly if there was some. Keep things in context and perspective. Several times, children could not function in one family, but the next one was the best fit we ever saw. Continued Support Even after the hosting, as much as some might want it (just kidding), we won’t go away! We’ll send emails with updates on the children as we receive them. Tell everyone you know about the hosting program. The more people know, the more people will want to get involved. If you need flyers or information, just let us know. We will gladly speak at your events or for special interest groups. Finally, if your experience wasn’t the best in the world, it doesn’t mean that is normal for our program. Be conscious that what you experienced may have been an exception. Be aware that public criticisms only hurt children if your words discourage others from hosting. Every program has its “bumps”, but if we continue to work together, we can make the program better next time. We need and desire your input to improve the next program. 71 Supplemental Information and Forms Suggested Reading These are books that we think are extremely helpful to host and adoptive parents. Many of your local libraries will have these books for no charge. We strongly encourage taking time to read about institutionalized children mostly because it will help you set reasonable expectations regarding the children. Their behaviors and responses will not necessarily be like those of your children. Additionally, many of these books have great ideas to facilitate bonding with a host child. Parenting the Hurt Child and Parenting Adopted Adolescents, Gregory C. Keck, PhD Brothers and Sisters in Adoption, Arleta James The Connected Child, Karyn Purvis Adopting the Older Child, Claudia Jewett Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, Sherrie Eldridge Attaching in Adoption, Deborah Gray The Five Love Languages of Children, Gary Chapman Living in a Step-Family without Getting Stepped-On, Kevin Leman (This book can teach parents how to help the family when adding other children to the home, easily applicable to a hosting experience.) Nurturing Adoption, Deborah Gray Fields of The Fatherless, Tom Davis When Helping Hurts, Fikkert & Borbett Adopted For Life, Russell D Moore Adoption Parenting, MacLeod & Macrae Becoming A Family, Eshleman Can This Child Be Saved, Helding & Cline Raising Adopted Children, Lois Ruskai Melina Birthmarks: Transracial adoption on Contemporary America, Sandra Patton Dim Sum, Bagels and Grits: A Sourcebook for Multicultural Families, Maya Alperson Voices from Another Place, edited by Susan-Soon Keum Cox Inside Transracial Adoption, Gail Steinberg & Beth Hall A Race is a Nice Thing to Have: A Guide to Being a White Person or Understanding the White Person in Your Life, Janet E. Helms Transracial Adoption & Foster Care, Joseph Crumbley When You Were Born in China (or Korea or Vietnam), Yeong and Yeong publishers Embassy Letter Host families may receive a letter similar to the one below that our Ukraine host families receive via email and regular mail. Please do not be alarmed when you receive it, its standard procedure for host families to receive such a letter. You do not need to respond to it at all and it is delivered to every host family from Ukraine regardless of a family’s intention beyond hosting. 72 73 Charitable Contribution Letter New Horizons for Children 3950 Cobb Parkway, Suite 708 Acworth, GA 30101 USA Phone 678-574-4677 Fax 678-574-4757 www.newhorzonsforchildren.org 501(c)(3) Non-profit Organization July 5, 2014 To Whom It May Concern: New Horizons for Children is a nationwide orphan ministry that works with families from coast- tocoast. We are a 501(c)(3) charity providing families the unique ministry opportunity to share Christ's love with orphans for a 4-5 week visit during the summer and around Christmas. We have a team that works with orphanages and foster homes in the Eastern European countries of Latvia and Ukraine, and also China and the Philippines, to bring the school-aged children to the United States to stay with Christian host families. This can be a life-changing experience for the orphans who have never been a part of a loving, functional family. And at their age, 6-16 years old, they are the least likely candidates to ever be adopted; most believe they are unwanted and have no hope of ever knowing life in a real family. If a family is presenting this letter to you, please accept it as evidence that they are hosting a child or children through our program this hosting season. The family has paid fees that include the child(ren)'s transportation, visa, medical insurance, etc. They are also responsible for obtaining dental and vision services, buying clothes and other activities for the children. We thank you for providing this valuable service or donated items for our hosted orphans. We are incredibly grateful that you offer your time and services. If you would like a charitable donation receipt, please send an invoice to the address listed above and we will be happy to provide one. The Tax ID associated with New Horizons for Children is #20-2382138. For further questions contact accounting at 678-574-4677 ext. 5 Le Ann Dakake New Horizons for Children 74 Travel Request Form Scan and email to your Country Director or FAX to the main office to their attention 678-574-4757 Must be signed by both host parents and returned prior to travel over 200 miles from home Host Family name: Host child’s name, ID#, and country: Dates of travel: Destination and purpose of travel: Mode of transportation (flight: list airline/flight number, car: dates of travel, train: list railway and times, etc.) Where will your family be residing during your trip (Hotel, family, campground, etc.)? How can we contact you during this trip (cell numbers, destination numbers, etc.)? We agree to alert NHFC in writing should these travel plans change and telephone the child’s chaperone. During the trip, we agree to have our hosted children continue to contact their chaperone no less than once every 5-7 days by phone or more frequently if the child desires. We understand that the hosted child must remain in our custody and cannot go alone or with other family members or friends unless those adults have been cleared through NHFC in advance with background checks. In case of any emergency, we understand to contact NHFC immediately. Hosting Mother Date Hosting Father Date 75 Agreement to Abide Host parents signed this document electronically in the Full Hosting Application. Please remember to abide by these important rules while hosting! ● We agree to abide by and follow all rules, policies and guidelines as listed in this latest version of the training manual and also as discussed during the training class. ● If we are a re-host family and opt to not attend the current host parent training, we understand that we are still bound by materials covered in this updated manual. We understand that since we have previously attended training in the past 24 months, that it is recommended, but not mandatory for us to attend again. ● We understand that there can be no guarantees of adoption of any particular child and that the information shared with our family about our particular hosted child is given as it was presented to the mission and interview team by orphanage directors, soci al workers and other caregivers. ● While it is hoped that all information given to the NHFC volunteers by orphanage personnel is honest and accurate, there are times when it is later deemed that a host child is unadoptable for some reason. ● We understand that the child we may want to adopt may decide later they don’t want to be adopted. At times, this may not be determined until our dossier to adopt arrives in the country and we are approved to adopt a child. This can only be determine d through an accredited adoption agency licensed in the country where the child resides or a licensed Adoption Attorney in the country of the child’s residence. To go around this procedure can disrupt our adoption, breaks rules of China and Philippines and the Hosting Program of New Horizons for Children, Inc. ● We understand that if any new information is given/known about our host child, we will be told in a timely manner. ● We understand that only an accredited adoption agency or attorney for adoption can issue a final conclusion regarding adopt ion of a particular child by a particular family. We understand it is illegal for New Horizons for Children to obtain full disclosure of a child’s specific situation, due to privacy laws in their countries regarding orphans and the release of their personal informa tion and data. ● We understand that at times, children initially deemed “not eligible” for adoption, have later been cleared and were later able to be adopted, but this is a rare situation. ● We understand that foreign governments are volatile and adoption procedures/laws change. Guaranteed timelines for adoption are not possible. Politics of foreign countries are VERY different than dealing with the USA. ● Adoptions generally take from 6-18 months to complete once the decision is made to move forward with the process and paperwork, but can be longer depending on the family’s commitment to complete the process in a timely manner and ever -changing laws in the foreign country. However, these are only guidelines and since NHFC is NOT an adoption agency, they cannot make any promises or predictions regarding the adoption process. ● We agree to do our humanly best to maintain, love, protect and care for our hosted child in our home for the duration of the program. However, if some urgent situation arises that places the child or another person in danger, we will alert a New Horizons for Children staff member immediately, and understand that in some emergency situations, a child may be moved to another host family home. If we ever feel we are not in control of the child’s safety and well-being we will call for help! The safety, physical and emotional well-being of the child is the absolute first priority in our program. ● NHFC has the right to move a child from a host family if they deem it in the best interest of the child. 76 The Fine Print The staff and volunteers of New Horizons for Children do their very best to provide correct and current information regarding hosting and all it encompasses. Our information comes from many sources- most of which are outside our sphere of influence. As a result, we are occasionally given inaccurate informationwhich we unknowingly pass on as accurate. This is not done with the intent to deceive or misconstrue the facts. We simply do the best we can with the information we have. Additionally, not all of our contacts are 100% supportive of our ministry. That may or may not influence the completeness/accuracy of the information we're given. Please remember that many of our sources, as well as the host children themselves, come from a different cultural background than to what you may be accustomed. Societal norms, customs, ideals and protocols in Asia are often very different from what we would consider normal or customary. It is unrealistic and unfair to hold them to “American” standards- they are not Americans. Each country from which we host has a rich culture, heritage and history that is their own. Please be respectful and understanding of that. Instances where we may not have “all” the details could include information about a host child’s past, their exposure to pornography, availability for adoption, visits from relatives, and the possibility of sexual abuse (to name a few). In every orphanage and foster home we visit, we attempt to get a complete picture of each child; asking the directors, social workers and caregivers very personal questions about the children we interview. It not only helps the interview team decide which children will be offered for hosting, but it also allows us to pass on important information to potential host families. Despite our best attempts, we cannot say with 100% certainty that we ALWAYS get the information we need. Sometimes, we’re simply not told. Sometimes, important information is omitted. Occasionally a child will mislead us. For example, when asked about visitors, a child might say “No one ever visits me.” However we may find out later that yes, no one visits him at the orphanage, but the child goes to see his dad on his own time away from school. If we know of an issue or potential problem, we will share that with you. We want our host families to enter their hosting experience with eyes wide open, armed with all the knowledge and details we can provide. It makes for a better experience for all involved. A natural “by-product” of hosting is the decision to pursue adoption. New Horizons is NOT an adoption agency, but we’re always thrilled when a child finds their forever family through the hosting process. International adoption can be a very long and expensive process that can sometimes not turn out as expected. If it is your family’s heart’s desire to adopt your host child, there is no guarantee it will come to fruition. Even if your host child has a fabulous time and cries buckets of tears at the airport on departure day, sometimes connections to their birth family (or orphanage family) are just too strong for them to say “YES! “ to adoption - even knowing it would mean a better life. There are also times when a child will say “YES!” to adoption, and then- for any number of reasonschange their mind later. Unfortunately, by then the family may be “in country” to adopt and has spent thousands of dollars on paperwork, fees, and travel arrangements. Ultimately, it is the child’s decision whether we agree with it or not. We ask that potential and current host families do their due diligence in preparing for hosting. While we require all new host families attend a 1 day host parent training to help prepare for hosting, that training cannot cover every eventuality, possibility, situation or issue- they are too numerous and varied. 77
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