Example 4 Cover Letter Tutor Corrections

Tutor Corrections
Example #4
Tutor Corrections
Example 4
Cover Letter
& Resume
Online ESL
Writing Tutor
© 2011
Name:
Example #4
Writing:
Business :ULWLQJ (cover letter & resume) – about 00 words
Topic:
Job Posting: Full-Time Security Guard
We are currently seeking experienced guards for several locations in the Greater Toronto
area. Successful applicants must have: a valid security license, security experience or 12 years of customer service experience, Occupational First Aid level 2 or 3, class 5
drivers license, flexible availability including graveyard shifts and weekends. If you fulfill
the above requirements and qualifications, please send us your resume before February
11th.
Original Writing
[About 400 words]
Cover Letter
Dear Sir or Madam,
I’m very pleased to have responded to your advertisement for the seeking security guard position. I have 5
years of experience working as security and I worked in 3 different companies. I have excellent customer
service experience. I am very qualified for the job and I have ability to travel anywhere. Also, I am available
to work anytime. Furthermore, this includes the graveyard and weekend shift.
I have good computer skills and I work with different people well. I can speak 3 languages. You can see
these skills on my resume I attached. I will work hard and help your company give better security and
customer service. I will be pleased to fulfill with you my qualifications and much detail for an interview with
th
your company. I understand the opening to finish on February 11 . So I’m looking forward to hear from
you soon. If you have some questions, please contact me.
Thank you for allowing my application.
Yours truly,
John Smith
300 Main Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
(xxx) xxx-xxxx
[email protected]
resume.doc
Continued on the next page…
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Page 1 of 5
Tutor Corrections
Example #4
Resume:
…continued from the previous page.
John Smith
300 Main Street Vancouver, British Columbia
Tel:(604) XXX-XXXX e-mail:[email protected]
Security Guard full-time
I’m an experienced Security Guard with huge experience in furnishing personal, equipment, and
land security.
Example 4
Cover Letter
& Resume
Online ESL
Writing Tutor
© 2011
Qualifications
 Over 5 years of experience
 Know locking systems and safety process
 Detection of problems and report of informations
 Excellent driving ability
 Find solutions to help customers for their complaints
 Excellent communication skills
Professional Experience
ABC Inc., Surrey, BC
Security Guard







2008 - Present
Watching areas by feet or in a vehicle.
Inspected doors, windows, and gates for security.
Edified and cautioned those of infractions
Checked and reported misdeeds. Such as fire hazards, leaking water, and doors unlocked
Started alarms during emergencies
Create shift reports
Managed company's vehicle and provided safe and fast transportation of company's
goods.
2005 - 2008
XYZ Bank, Delta, BC
Security Guard Part-Time




Patrolling area by feet
Responsible for keeping premises secure
Completed daily reports of activities
Ensured bank customers had positive experience
Education & Training
BC Driver’s License
Class 5
St. John’s Ambulance School
First Aid
Exp. Nov 2011
Delta High School, Delta, BC
High School Diploma (2002)
References
I can provide references with your request.
Online ESL Writing Tutor © 2011
www.esl-writingtutor.com
Page 2 of 5
Tutor Corrections
Example #4
1. The tutor’s corrections
A: Cover Letter
Dear Sir or Madam,
Example 4
Cover Letter
& Resume
Online ESL
Writing Tutor
© 2011
I’m very pleased to have respond to your advertisement for the seeking security
guard position. I have 5 years of experience working in security and I have worked in 3
different companies. I have an excellent customer service record. I am very qualified
for the job, and I have the ability to travel anywhere. Also, I am available to work
anytime, including the graveyard and weekend shifts.
I have good computer skills and I work well with different people. I can speak 3
languages. You can see these skills on my resume I attached. I will work hard and help
your company provide better security and customer service. I am pleased to discuss
with you my qualifications in more detail in an interview with your company. I
understand the (application period will close?) on February 11th, so I’m looking
forward to hear from you soon. If you have some questions, please contact me.
Thank you for considering my application.
Continued on the next page…
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www.esl-writingtutor.com
Page 3 of 5
Tutor Corrections
Example #4
B: Resume
…continued from the previous page.
John Smith
300 Main Street Vancouver, British Columbia
Tel:(604) XXX-XXXX e-mail:[email protected]
Security Guard full-time
I’m an experienced Security Guard with extensive experience in personal, equipment, and
property security.
Example 4
Cover Letter
& Resume
Online ESL
Writing Tutor
© 2011
Qualifications
 Over 5 years of experience
 Practiced in locking systems and safety process
 Detection of problems and report information – what do you mean?
 Excellent driving ability
 Find solutions to help customers with their complaints
 Excellent communication skills
Professional Experience
ABC Inc., Surrey, BC
Security Guard






2008 - Present
Surveillance of areas by foot or in a vehicle.
Inspect doors, windows, and gates for security.
Check and report issues, such as fire hazards, leaking water, and unlocked doors
Start alarms during emergencies
Create shift reports
Manage company's vehicles and provide safe and fast transportation of products.
2005 - 2008
XYZ Bank, Delta, BC
Security Guard Part-Time




Patrolled area by foot
Responsible for keeping premises secure
Completed daily reports of activities
Made sure bank customers had a positive experience
Education & Training
BC Driver’s License
Class 5
St. John’s Ambulance School
First Aid
Exp. Nov 2011
Delta High School, Delta, BC
High School Diploma (2002)
References
I can provide references upon your request.
Online ESL Writing Tutor © 2011
www.esl-writingtutor.com
Page 4 of 5
Tutor Corrections
Example #4
2. General notes
When you registered, you wrote you have been studying English for over 1 year, and you are
looking for a new job. A cover letter is your first impression with a new company, so it’s a good
idea to show you are different from other people applying for the same job, and at the same time
making it clear you are qualified for the job. Most companies don’t have the time to read every
cover letter and resume carefully, so it’s good to see that your resume is 1 page.
Example 4
Cover Letter
& Resume
Online ESL
Writing Tutor
© 2011
Good luck!
Things to improve:
- Try to organize your ideas so the letter moves from topic to topic more naturally
- Add more detail about what you do in your current job – give examples and explain your
qualifications in more detail: write how many and which languages you can speak for example
- Consider changing your email address to be more professional
- Rename your resume file to include your first & last name
- Study and practice different word forms [noun – verb – adjective – adverb]
- Review and practice grammar tenses [present & past tenses]
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Page 5 of 5