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Weekly Quick News & Features
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2014
VOL 2 NO 52
Printed Every Thursday
OAKHURST, CA
VIETNAM MEMORIAL MOVING WALL arrives today at the
Madera County Courthouse Park escorted by the Madera
American Legion Riders. This Moving Wall is the half-size replica of the one in Washington, DC and has been touring the
US for almost 30 years. Friends and rela)ves of the fallen
who could not make the trip to Washington can now experience The Moving Wall. Open to public 24 hours daily following today’s set up un)l dismantled on Monday, Oct 20. Do
not miss this opportunity to honor our veterans! Parking
available at Courthouse Park or County Administra)ve Parking Garage on G Street.
SPECIAL PRESENTATION: “What is the Grand Jury?” this Saturday,
Oct 18, starts 10:30AM, Oakhurst Library-Community Room. Judges Ernest LiCalsi and Dale Blea to speak about the role of the Grand
Jury in our judicial system. District Attorney Michael Keitz will talk
about his office’s relationship with the Grand Jury of Madera County. Linda Pennington and Jim Haze, prior members of the Grand
Jury, will talk about their experience of serving on the panel. current Foreman of the Grand Jury, Leanne Thomson, and Jeannie
Turpenen, President of the Madera Chapter of the California Grand
Jury Association, will be available to answer questions. Also hear
about Grand Jury report on Ground Water Issues in Madera County. If you have any questions, call the Library at 559-683-4838 or
visit www.oakhurstfobl.com
DAILY NEWS, EVENTS, & MORE JOKES ONLINE! www.themountaincha?er.com
You can’t change how
people treat you or
what they say about
you. All you can do is
change how you react
to it.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 10: UNITED STATES MARINE CORP’S
BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION, ECCO, Social Hour 5PM, CakeCu@ng Ceremony & Champagne toast followed by dinner. Entrees include Bacon wrapped Felts, salon or vegetarian $30.
RSVP by Nov 1 with check payable to MCL #1221 with dinner
choice noted. Mail to MCL#1121, PO Box 141, Oakhurst. For
info call Jim Winney 658-2062.
Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed. He is with his
nurse, his wife, daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is
near. So he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take
the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over
in Los Angeles Plaza." "Hymie, I want you to take the oﬃces
over in City Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the
residen)al buildings downtown" The nurse is just blown away
by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife,
"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard
working man to have accumulated so much property." Sarah
replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper
route."
A blond tells about her ﬁrst )me on a horse. "I got on this
preIy liIle horse and it just took oﬀ galloping. I tried to hang
on but, the saddle was so slippery that I started to fall oﬀ. I
was yelling for help and hanging on for dear life. I really
thought I was going to die!" Then a man at Walmart came up
and unplugged it from the wall and it stopped. “
987 - Rescuers freed Jessica
McClure from the abandoned
well that she had fallen into in
Midland, TX. The was trapped for
58 hours.
There’s a new bra for middle-aged
women. It’s called the “Sheep Dog” as
it rounds them up and points them in
the right direc)on.
The way to get started is to quit talking and
begin doing.
Everything I Need to Know, I learned from Noah’s Ark…
Don’t miss the boat.
Remember that we are all in the same boat!
Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
Stay ﬁt. When you’re 60 years old, someone may ask you to
do something really big.
Don’t listen to cri)cs; just get on with the job that needs to
be done.
Build your future on high ground.
For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails and turtles
were on board with the cheetahs.
When you’re stressed, ﬂoat awhile.
Remember the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by
professionals.
No maIer the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow wai)ng.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweat- shirt. Seconds aRer he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What se@ng do I use on
the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does
it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma " And they say blondes are dumb…
At one Army base, the annual trip to the riﬂe range had
been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semiannual physical ﬁtness test was s)ll on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army
doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are
extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
DAILY NEWS, EVENTS, & MORE JOKES ONLINE! www.themountaincha?er.com
The driver stopped at the light. The tailga)ng woman behind
him was furious, honked her horn, screaming, as she missed
her chance to get through the intersec)on. As she rant, she
looked up into the face of a very serious police oﬃcer. The
cop took her to the police sta)on where she was arrested,
and placed in jail. Later, the arres)ng cop opened the cell
and said, ''Sorry for the mistake. I pulled up behind your car
while you were ﬂipping oﬀ the guy in front of you and cussing
a blue streak. I no)ced the bumper s)ckers that said 'What
Would Jesus Do?' and 'Follow Me To Sunday-School', so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''
A bruneIe goes to the doctor and says her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor, "Show
me." She takes her ﬁnger and pushes her elbow and screams
in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle
and screams and so on. The doctor says, "You're not really a
bruneIe are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I
thought so," he says. "Your ﬁnger is broken."
Why did the blonde write “TGIF” on her shoes. To remind her
toes go in ﬁrst.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor for his annual physical. While her husband dressed, the doctor went
out to the wai)ng room to chat with her. “I don’t like the
way your husband looks,” he said soRly. “Neither do I,” she
replied. “But he’s handy to have around the house.”
My wife and I got into a conversa)on about life and death,
and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversa)on I told her that I never
wanted to exist in a vegeta)ve state, dependent on
some machine and taking ﬂuids from a boIle. She got up,
unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some)mes it's
tough being married to a KNOW—IT-ALL.
Tepid adj. Showing liIle
enthusiasm: “The president had a tepid response
to the proposal.”
The San Francisco Cable
cars are the only mobile
Na)onal Monuments.
While shopping for vaca)on clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at
least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'BeIer get a bikini,' he
replied. 'You'd never get it all in one!” And that’s when the ﬁght started……
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was ﬂipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the ﬁght started...
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream
for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look beIer at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the ﬁght started.....
Many things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers - Female, because once turned oﬀ, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an eﬀec)ve reproduc)ve device if the right buIons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buIons are pushed.
3) Tire - Male, because it goes bald and it's oRen over-inﬂated.
4) Hammer - Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
5) Remote Control - Female. It gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buIons to push, he s)ll keeps trying, anyway.
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never ﬁght back. HOw do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet...
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Two old guys were cha@ng. One said to the other: "My 85th
birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV!" The other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!" Imagine, an SUV!!
What a great giR!" First guy says,"Yup!! Socks, Underwear
and Viagra!"
The only )me the world beats a path to
your door is if you're in the bathroom!
Kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids!
It's hard to make a comback when you
haven't been anywhere.
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a liIer of puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy puppies and 2 girl puppies." "How did
you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and
looked underneath." He replied. "I think it's printed on their
boIoms."
A lady goes for a job interview. The interviewer decides to
start with the basics. "So, can you tell us your age?" The lady
counts carefully on her ﬁngers for about 30 seconds before
replying "Ehh .. 22!" The interviewer looks at her a liIle puzzled and then tries another straighWorward one to break the
ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady
stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.
She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape
to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and says
"Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer
goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to conﬁrm for our records, your name please?" The lady bobs her head from side
to side for about 20 seconds, mouthing something silently to
herself, before replying "Mandy!" The interviewer is completely baﬄed at this, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss,
we can understand your coun)ng on your ﬁngers to work out
your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious,
but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!", she replies, "That's me singing, 'Happy birthday
to you, happy birthday to you....' ."
A man goes into a pet shop and sees a beau)ful parrot with a
red string )ed to its leR leg and a green string )ed to its right
leg. "What are those strings for?" he asks the store owner.
"This is a highly trained creature," the owner explains. "If you
pull the red string, he speaks Spanish and if you pull the green
string he speaks French." "What happens if you pull both
strings at the same )me?" the man asks. "I fall oﬀ my perch,
you idiot!" squawks the parrot.
To post
events, CALL
To post
events,
CALL683-8309
683-8309
[email protected]
[email protected]
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18: “PAWSITIVELY FULL” PET FOOD BANK PET FOOD
DISTRIBUTION, 10AM-NOON, Oakhurst Feed & Pet Supply,
Monthly cat & dog food giveaway to qualiﬁed low income pet
owners. Pet owners must meet ﬁnancial qualiﬁca)ons. Pets
must be currently vaccinated, spayed or neutered. Forms available at Oakhust Fee.
SPECIAL PRESENTATION: “What is the Grand Jury?” 10:30AM,
Oakhurst Library-Community Room. If you have any ques)ons,
call the Library at 559-683-4838 or visit www.oakhursWobl.com
FRIDAY, OCT 24: GRIZZLY GULCH HAUNTED HOUSE, 4-7PM, Historic
Coarsegold Village. Admission $3/person. ($1 oﬀ )cket with
canned good dona)on to beneﬁt Food Bank).
SATURDAY, OCT 25: ALL-U-CAN-EAT PANCAKE BREAKFAST, 7AM-NOON,
Coarsegold Community Center, Hwy 41. $5 Includes pancakes,
biscuit & gravy, eggs, juice & coﬀee. Beneﬁts Coarsegold Community Center.
EEEEK, SHRIEK, AND BE SCARY! SPOOKY BINGO, Oakhurst Community Center, $20.00 Dona)on includes Dinner & Bingo Cards.
DOORS OPEN 5 PM~ BINGO AT 6:30. Drinks/Cocktails~ Bingo
Prizes~ Raﬄe Prizes~ 50/50 Split~ Door Prizes. For Tickets or
Info, call Laura Gonzales (559) 641-7380. (Fundraiser for Service
Organiza)ons of the Sierra)
TARANTULA AWARENESS FESTIVAL, 10AM-5PM, Historic
Coarsegold Village, Hwy 41, Coarsegold. Live tarantula races,
games & contests, great family fun! All ac)vi)es FREE!
GRIZZLY GULCH HAUNTED HOUSE, 4-7PM, Historic Coarsegold
Village. Admission $3/person. ($1 oﬀ )cket with canned good
dona)on to beneﬁt Food Bank).
SCREAMFEST – HAUNTED HOUSE, 7PM-10PM, Old Blockbuster
Bldg, 40050 Hwy 41. Advance $10, At Door $12. Tickets @ Oakhurst Feed or Steve’s Tropical Fish. (Must be 12 years +) Sponsored by Oakhurst Mountain Lions Club.
SUNDAY, OCT 26: GRIZZLY GULCH HAUNTED HOUSE, 4-7PM, Historic
Coarsegold Village.
THURSDAY, OCT 30: GRIZZLY GULCH HAUNTED HOUSE, 4-7PM, Historic
Coarsegold Village.
FRIDAY, OCT 31: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
GRIZZLY GULCH HAUNTED HOUSE, 4-9PM, Historic Coarsegold
Village.
HALLOWEEN PARTY, ALFONSO’S Mexican Restaurant, Hwy 41,
Coarsegold. 9PM-??? Dance to Music & Karaoake of Jimmi Lee.
Contests. $5 Cover Charge.
SATURDAY, NOV 1: GRIZZLY GULCH HAUNTED HOUSE, 4-7PM, Historic
Coarsegold Village. Admission $3. ($1 oﬀ with canned good )
SUNDAY, NOV 2: KIWANIS PANCAKE BREAKFAST, 7:30AM-11AM, Oakhurst
Community Center. Pancakes, eggs (any style), ham, sausage,
mil,, coﬀee, & OJ. Adults $6. Children 12 & under $3.
GRIZZLY GULCH HAUNTED HOUSE, 4-7PM, Coarsegold Village.
SATURDAY, NOV 8: 2014 LADIES OF THE LAKES ANNUAL HOLIDAY BOUTIQUE, 9AM-3PM, YLP Clubhouse, FREE Parking & ShuIle to
Clubhouse. Over 60+ vendors. Soups to go & Connie’s Famous
Hot Dog Booth. Bake Sale. Raﬄe & prizes! Call Jean 676-8523 or
(818)489-6685 for vendor applica)ons or info.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 10: UNITED STATES MARINE CORP’S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION, ECCO