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Ravelry - a knit and crochet community http://www.ravelry.com/newsletters/issues/4/articles/dear-auntie-bub... this week in ravelry > issue #4 > bobboosters Dear Auntie BubboPants by Bubbo Dear Auntie BubboPants, My teddy bear tells me to burn things. Should I use matches or a lighter? -name withheld Dear Name, We do not run before we learn to walk and we do not walk before we learn to crawl. If you want to burn things but you don’t even know where to start then we need to go back to the early learning stages. We recommend that you use a toaster. A toaster is simple and easy to use and it does not require special skills beyond pushing a lever. At this point, if you want to burn things that do not fit in the toaster you should put them off until later and stick to smaller items like pop tarts, holiday cards from your neighbor’s mail and a flattened Burger King breakfast sandwich. Later, when the time is right we can discuss more advanced techniques and skills. Dear Aunt Bubbo Pants, I have a serious question. A couple of months ago, I was supposed to spend Christmas with a friend of mine - she encouraged us to buy tickets, take time off and fly to her house in Spain. The day before we were due to leave, she called saying that she had to fly to Columbia because her father died. Fair enough. We decided to give it a miss, and canceled the trip at great cost, while wishing her much sympathy. Fast forward two months later, and we’re having a conversation on Skype, when she tells me, “Hey mate, sorry I have to go, because my FATHER’s on the other line.” I didn’t say a thing. Now she wants me to book a ticket and visit her in Spain again, but I’ve cut her off, telling her that I’ve gone through great expense before (but haven’t called her on the lapse about her Lazarus of a father), and I refuse to do it again. She says that I’m being unfair. I’m thinking of i-cording a noose and letting her hang from her chi chi balcony. So, what should I do? 1 of 8 5/8/08 8:19 AM Ravelry - a knit and crochet community http://www.ravelry.com/newsletters/issues/4/articles/dear-auntie-bub... Yours jp Dear jp, First and foremost, I would recommend that you invest in travel insurance the next time you book a big trip. I think you will find that if you only ever use it once in your life it pretty much pays for itself. This is something I found out having to cancel a 18 day trip all over Europe only a short time in advance. But as to the larger problem with your friend. If you are not close enough to your friend that you can ask how her zombie father likes his new unlifestyle, then you are not close enough to risk another large amount of money. Relatedly, if you do not ask, then she won’t have the chance to explain it was her godfather or the man who raised her in place of her real father who left when she was two in order to seek his fortunes in hippo futures or any of the other possibilities. If these are things that cannot be talked about then this is not a friendship on which large sums of money should be spent. Unfortunately, I cannot recommend that you knit an i-cord and then turn her balcony into a gallows as that would require you to spend large amounts of money to get tickets to get to Spain and we’ve already determined that you are not to spend money to go to Spain on her behalf. My boyfriend and Skydramini are both in the living room and want me to tell you that you should have gone to Spain anyway. I told them that if they would like to get their own advice columns they were free to do so, but we are not dealing with what you should have done but what you should do. Either ask her and get it cleared up, or do not go. Dear Auntie BubboPants, My louse of an ex-fiance broke up with me last April. He took with him all of the handknits I made for him. Which is probably a good thing, because I would have burned them along with the other things he gave me that I couldn’t sell. I found out from a mutual friend that he was dating someone new less than a week after he dumped me. She’s 18, six years our junior. It really broke my heart because we had been together for 5 1/2 years. I really am better off without Rat Bastard for many reasons that I didn’t list here, but I’m so lonely now. I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I want to stick DPNs in his eyes, but it’s hard. I haven’t dated anyone since he decided to leave for younger pastures. In this digital age how do you go about meeting someone? What can I do to make myself more available? How can I avoid rat bastards like him? Signed, You Can Only Cuddle the Dog For So Long Dear YCOCtDFSL, Whoa whoa, we have a lot to cover here so let’s get this started. First off, the easy issue, the handknits were given to him, as such he owns them and they are his to keep regardless of the state of his karma points. Now on to the harder stuff. The younger girlfriend? None of your business. I know it hurts to go through this and to hear about this, but you are losing focus. Who he dates or does not date does not affect you in the overall scheme of things. If you have feelings of hurt over the issue it is not the age of the girl or what she looks like or anything like that, it is simply that you are processing a rather large and jolting break in your life. If your mutual friends want to tell you about what he is doing it is your job to tell them to shut up. There is 2 of 8 5/8/08 8:19 AM Ravelry - a knit and crochet community http://www.ravelry.com/newsletters/issues/4/articles/dear-auntie-bub... nothing to be gained and so much to be lost from hearing about these things. It will only serve to slow the healing process. As for dating now? Don’t. I know the dog is losing his appeal and you want to wake up to something sexier than wet nose in your ear but you are obviously not ready. Dating requires giving effort and emotion and taking big risks. So long as your energy and emotions are still tied up in the pain and hurt of the break up you are not going to be able to maintain any sort of relationship. You need to take time to get over this relationship and the pain of how it all ended. You need to take time to allow the anger and hurt to heal and you need time to gain perspective on the whole thing. Until then, cuddle the dog and stock up on batteries. How do you avoid the jerk guys of the world? I wish I had the absolute perfect answer for that. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve never really dated a jerk. On the other hand, I always trust my intuition and I never doubted my gut feelings. There were people I met for dates or coffee or whatnot and if I felt uncomfortable, if I didn’t like them or if I plain just thought they were too weird for me, then I never saw them again. I also never put myself in situations I did not want to be in. I did not care if I would seem rude or mean, I never let anyone bully me into anything. If I don’t like you, then I don’t like you. The thing is, however, you don’t really get to avoid getting hurt. You meet someone, the two of you feel gooshy and awesome, you date, you love, you move in together, he discovers piscine related fetish and leaves you for a woman with webbed toes and you get hurt. You can’t foresee that and you can’t avoid it, but you will survive it. There is really nothing wrong with getting hurt. Yeah, it sucks and it is painful, but the hurt is valuable. Your pain and hurt are reminders of the heights of love and happiness you felt. If there was no hurt then there was no love or joy to grieve. It’s too easy to only want the smooth surface of happiness, but our lives are intricately and randomly patterned. It is both the love and the pain that is beautiful. Spend some time focusing on yourself for now. Your future boyfriend deserves as much commitment from you as you would want from him. Then we’ll talk online dating. Dear Auntie BubboPants, I work with this woman, and well, she’s a moron. She doesn’t do her job well and she likes to touch us coworkers (feel our pants, touch my hair omg no!, call us pet names). Our job is based on customer service, and she’s poor at it. She took a class at the local community college and thinks that elevates her to manager status - which, guess what - she’s not! She calls the guests by their first names, lays her boobahs on the counter when talking to them, flirts in disgusting ways, and calls them “darling, sweetheart, dollface” - all in 1.5 octaves higher than her normal (grating) voice. Here the rub - management does nothing about it. There have been numerous talks with the Front End Manager by ALL of us girl (6) about this problem we work with - but it seems that nothing gets done. Apparently they had a talk, but all that lead to was a pretentious ”I’m sorry if I offended you, so please tell me your issues with me as long as you know that I’m not changing” type letter affixed to all our inboxes. So do I keep talking to my immediate manager and let the problem be ignored or do I go above her head, get her - who I adore - in hot water. Honestly - I’m pretty confused. Sincerely, “Don’t Make Me Strangle You With Your Intestines” Dani Dear DMNSYWYI, no. She sucks, she’s irritating, no one likes her but she’s managed to keep the job for some reason. Workplace politics are a minefield in a swamp filled with dead newts. It’s so gross in there and there is nothing redeeming about it. 3 of 8 5/8/08 8:19 AM Ravelry - a knit and crochet community http://www.ravelry.com/newsletters/issues/4/articles/dear-auntie-bub... If her job performance was affecting the bottom line in some way, management would have dealt with it. It seems that the real issue is interpersonal relationship skills and management could give two figs about that. You can’t fire someone because they have no social skills. You have to have specific reasons and specific incidents. Dropping the Bobbley Twins on the counter is freaky weird but not really…work wrong. I’m using a lot of words to say “suck it up”. It’s not that I think you’re wrong, it’s just that every workplace on the planet has one of these women and the best thing you can do is a good defense because you will need it at every job for the rest of your life. Learn to ignore her, learn to be very direct about not letting her touch you, learn that if the place were super awesome it would be called “Bubbo’s Pants” and not ‘Work’. This next question was brought up in the Bubbo’s Pants group where a separate advice thread is running. I answered it there but with so much going on in the world I am also sharing it here in the hopes that it can help others as well. O Wise Bubbo, My March will suck donkey nads. Here are my appointments for my 3-year old, autistic son… March 6th, 7:15am - Declan’s EEG. Can only sleep between midnight and 4am. No solids or milk 6 hours prior, no clear liquids 2 hours prior. One parent allowed in with him, and they’ll “swaddle” him in a sheet if necessary to immobilize him to get the 24 electrodes on. March 19th, 9:30am - see Geneticist and Genetic Counsellor - extensive blood draws to be done prior to this appt. at the pediatric lab. Geneticist & Counsellor to discuss findings with us re: Autism and possibility of Fragile X Syndrome, PKU, probable metabolic disorder because of growth retardation. March 24th, 11:30am - MRI of head with contrast under general anesthesia. 4-6 hours total including recovery time. No solids 8 hours prior, no milk 6 hours prior, no clear liquids 2 hours prior. Laughing gas to put the IV in, then he’ll go under. March 31st, 3:15pm - appointment with his dev’t. ped. to discuss findings. Bubbo, how do I not be angry at the world because my son has to go through all of this? Because right now, I am just hateful. This is one of those moments I wish I had the best answer ever. I wish I could type a sentence that would be so profound and clear that it would grant you peace. I don’t have that, but I have words and advice and I’m going to try. First off, be angry! Fucking be angry! Go kick a goddammed wall! Imagine punching everyone that gives you pity eyes or some claptrap about god’s greater design or what a blessing this is. Do not actually punch these people in the face, but imagine it. You are angry and deservedly so. You are angry because you are mourning and you are grieving and it is not only normal to be angry, it is better that you have time to be angry. You are grieving the loss of every dream you had for your son, you are grieving the loss of those hopes and you are grieving the loss of any semblance of normal life you may have imagined for yourself. This isn’t fair. I will now tell you a story and then I will get back to my answer. In March of 2004 I got divorced. It sucked and I decided that I was finally going to get the puppy that I always wanted and could never have. And so I got this little puppy from a shelter, a dachshund and shar pei mix, just 11 weeks old and so sweet. He had puppy smell and he had the softest toe pads. The first night I had him I was not sure about the best sleeping arrangements for him so I put him in a little puppy bed and put that on my bed and petted him as he slept. Just as I was falling asleep he scooted out of the puppy bed, squirmed in next to me and fell asleep under my neck. To say I fell deeply in love with Ghengis would be an understatement. 4 of 8 5/8/08 8:19 AM Ravelry - a knit and crochet community http://www.ravelry.com/newsletters/issues/4/articles/dear-auntie-bub... Ghengis was a little clown, he loved a laughter reaction and would repeat those things that made me laugh. He was loyal and sweet and good natured. I loved him so much. In November of 2006 he was hit by a car. He died in my arms just feet from the entrance to the emergency vet. It was like my world fell apart and I was fucking pissed. I was pissed at everyone. Those assholes who said I would feel better soon, I wanted to punch them. Those jerks who said he wasn’t really like my kid, I wanted to pound them. Those fuckers that said he was only a dog, I wanted to beat them until they hurt as much as I did. I was angry. I was angry at the earth and the sky and the universe. I wanted to punch everything. I literally wanted to hurt the earth and to rend the universe (when you are atheist it’s hard to direct your anger sometimes). I kept cming back to how unfair it was, how he was so good and perfect and wonderful and sweet and everybody who met my little dog just loved him. It was so unfair to have him ripped away from me like that, especially after I’d tried so fucking hard to be a better person. And so I went camping. I spent 4 days miles away from anything. we portaged everything for miles and we sat in the quiet of nature. I went off alone and contemplated this planet that I wanted to hurt, at night I looked up at the stars, I listened to wolves and loons and beavers. I stared at the entirety of everything that had conspired against me and stole my dog. No, it was not fair. But then, there really is no ‘fair’. Fair is a made up concept. Fair is an idea that people made up so that conflicts would end and people would shut up. There is no ‘fair’, there is no place to take your complaint and have it reconciled with ‘fair’. You stand in the face of the sun with your righteous anger and you demand fairness and nothing will come to you. The galaxy, the stars, the infinity, nothing can say “oh, sorry, here let me make it up to you”. So what do we do? What happens when something so entirely unfair happens that we fear our sternums would splinter with the rage? Well, continue to be pissed for a while. Anger and fury cannot just be decided away, they must ebb slowly. Your anger has to drain itself. And it will, I promise you this. Your anger will temper itself, then calm itself and one day you will find that you aren’t as angry. In the meantime, find ways to funnel that anger. Find ways to divert that energy into something else. What you decide to do is up to you, anything I offer as a suggestion would only sound trite. Though I will say that if you take a kitchen towel and lay it on the counter and then stand an empty soda can on it and fold the towel over the top of the can so it has a layer of towel on the top and bottom and then you whack the everloving shit out of it with a mallet, it might help a little. The towel helps keep the can in place and helps protect your countertops. Sometimes you have to smash a good many cans. And then what? Your little boy so helpless. Your little boy saddled with something so amazingly huge and complex that you wonder how his little body carries it all, and then you wonder how you are going to carry it all. The thing is, you will carry it. You will find in you a layer of steel you never knew you had, something much thicker and harder than anything else you’d utilized in the past. This burden will rest on your back and you will carry it, but the burden can be shared and lessened. You make a network of friends and family and professionals. You will need friends that are removed from the situation so that you can talk about and do things completely unrelated and you need family to whom you can turn when you need to rest your head on a shoulder. And professionals who can be objective, who can advise and guide you. This will take a while, networks like this are not immediate. They take time and consideration. Your life will never be easy again, or more to the point, your life with not be the easy you imagined that it would be. You will spend the rest of your life managing tasks that other mothers could never imagine in a million years. And one day, you will realize that the anger and the hate is what stiffened your spine and broadened your 5 of 8 5/8/08 8:19 AM Ravelry - a knit and crochet community http://www.ravelry.com/newsletters/issues/4/articles/dear-auntie-bub... shoulders. That you are caring for your son not because of some made up idealism, but because your insides were squeezed so hard you had no other way to release the energy. Your anger will be funneled and converted and changed and used when you need it. In the short term, you have to force yourself to not react. I’m sure you read things on ravelry that irritate you but your anger makes you want to take everyone down a notch. Breathe, don’t react to it, don’t say the things you are thinking, try to remember that most people are wieners. And try to remember that you do have friends. leave your comments! There are 53 comments on this article. also in this issue... 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