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Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 1.1
EPISODE 4.1
Monguin: Do you know what I like more than anything?
Mickey Monguin: Nice belly rubs?
Monguin: YES!
Mickey Monguin: (rubbing his tummy) Our ancestors are giving us really cute bellies.
Monguin: Don't forget our eyes as well.
Mickey Monguin: Yeah, I've seen many pictures of Diddy and Tux. They're both insanely adorable.
Monguin: You think?
Mickey Monguin: No wonder how they picked up girlfriends so quickly.
Monguin: Well, to be honest with you, I hope it's Tiny Kong that becomes our ancestor, not Dixie.
Mickey Monguin: Why?
Monguin: Because being diminutive like a mouse is one of the qualifications of being cute.
Mickey Monguin: Yeah, but doesn't that contradict with the source material or the fandom patterns?
Monguin: True, but you got to keep in mind that this writer seems to favor pure logic over common
concern.
Mickey Monguin: I guess, looking back at our past, we had made fun of popular opinion and why it's
stupid.
Monguin: Penguins don't make good Christmas icons.
Mickey Monguin: Swimming monkeys exist, although not swimming apes.
Monguin: Yeah, I was waiting for Tux to lie in a manger at Bethlehem and talk about his girlfriend in the
North Pole.
Mickey Monguin: Yeah, I thought so too!
Monguin: Didn't we witness what it is like being a penguin in the middle of the desert?
Mickey Monguin: True.
Monguin: The greatest part of this memory sequence is that it shows the pros and cons of technology in
general.
Mickey Monguin: At first, we saw how technology curses the lives of others with things like the robot
apocalypse and playing God.
Monguin: And here, with Sir Robin Locksley, we see what GOOD can come from technology.
Mickey Monguin: Yeah. I was thinking about that. We were witnessing the technological revolution
about Europeans bringing back with them technology and mathematical theorems.
Monguin: The beginning of the Renaissance.
Mickey Monguin: So, whether technology destroys or builds civilization, one thing is certain: disasters
teach us humility.
Monguin: And that's exactly the reason why Assassins are the good guys.
Mickey Monguin: For now, before we discover what our REAL purpose is as monguins.
Monguin: Yes. I've been wondering that. Robin Hood is an Elder of Israel, and the Elders of Israel must
have been the ones that have been authorized to create the monguins.
Mickey Monguin: Why not Sir Gabriel?
Monguin: Not to be hateful, but I don't think Sir Gabriel is actually worthy to create the monguins. He's
more of a Justice type guy. The Owlgle says it all.
Mickey Monguin: And we're too cute to have been created by Sir Gabriel?
Monguin: Yes.
Mickey Monguin: It sounds like the technology that created us monguins must be very special. That's
probably what Rare Relics are after.
Monguin: But don't they already have the technology?
Mickey Monguin: I'm afraid that we required a divine intervention of some sort.
Monguin: Well, it's worth a research.
Mickey Monguin: Okay.
Clippy: It looks like you have some plot holes to fill. Which one would you like to fill?
Monguin: Given what our problem is, what our ANCESTORS' problem is, I think you're the last one I
would like to trust. Nothing is true!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 1.2
Clippy: Memory Complete.
Memory loads to the night after Tux's visit to the bureau.
Diddy: Thank you both for that.
Tux: That felt really good.
Malik: Yeah, I have to admit, I never even heard of a penguin before.
Diddy: But penguins normally don't have belly buttons.
Malik: But monkeys do.
Diddy: Yes.
Tux: Diddy?
Diddy: Yes.
Tux: Stop sucking my charm!
Diddy: Sorry.
Tux: Okay.
Malik: Well, I hate to see you both go! You were a lot of fun!
Tux: Yes.
Diddy: We could always use some belly rubs, especially when we're having really bad days.
Malik: You deserve it.
Tux: Well, we hate to leave you both.
Malik: Well, Robin has always been our best student.
Diddy: Maybe we'll learn valuable lessons from this.
Malik: Well, Diddy and Tux, I better talk to Altair about some stuff.
Robin: Okay. I'll take charge.
Robin plays with Diddy and Tux as if they were his pets.
Robin: You both are the most adorable things I've seen! Your fish buddy as well!
Diddy: That creature tickles me a lot!
Robin: Really?
Diddy: All the time! I actually grew up with him, you know.
Robin: Cute! You probably have a strong family.
Diddy: Yes.
Diddy and Robin journey with each other to Masyaf.
Robin: Let's see what the Mentor is doing...
Robin, Diddy, and Tux spot over what appears to be Malik and Altair discussing a few things and
constructing the armor.
Diddy: Hey, I remember this!
Tux: What?
Diddy: The unlockable armor from Assassin's Creed 2!
Tux: You recognize this?
Diddy: Yes.
Tux: Why would the Assassins need armor?
Diddy: Well, that's easy for us to say how our charm is our armor.
Tux: If it IS armor, it must be very light.
Diddy: I couldn't remember what the codex page said though.
Tux: Oh, I hope Altair might make good use of that!
Diddy: Well, I hope you're right.
Tux: So, what about this armor, Diddy?
Diddy: Malik and Altair were so impressed with this suit that they feared of what happens if it fell into
the wrong hands.
Tux: So, what did they do?
Diddy: They locked up the armor deep inside Monteriggioni and hid the seals to unlock the armor in 6
separate tombs.
Tux: Did Ezio acquire this armor?
Diddy: Eventually, yes.
Tux: Cool. What did it took for Ezio to "win" this armor?
Diddy: Parkour! Lots of it!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 1.3
Malik and Altair gaze at the Apple of Eden.
Altair gets a shocking discovery.
Altair: I don't believe this!
Malik: What?
Altair: I seriously don't believe this!
Malik: What?
Altair: This is a parody series!
Malik: Is that so?
Altair: Yes! I don't know what exactly it is parodying but it is a parody.
Malik: What is?
Altair: Our current state in life.
Malik: What is the parody about?
Altair: I don't know. I got to study what exactly is the series parodying.
Malik: Whoa! Easy on the Apple!
Altair: Well, I guess you're right. If I want to get some clarity and not lose my mind on this Piece of Eden,
I have to practice patience.
Tux: I don't like this.
Diddy: Did they discover something?
Tux: Are you witnessing what I'm witnessing?
Diddy: Can they break the fourth wall now?
Tux: Well, maybe not that much.
Diddy: Okay.
Tux: Why is it that we have to learn things the hard way?
Diddy: I don't know.
Altair saw a glimpse of the first few minutes of Assassin's Creed 1.
Altair: I think I can see where this is going. Time to warn Diddy and Tux.
Malik: The monkey-penguin duo?
Altair: Listen. I have a very bad feeling about this.
Malik: Should I contact them?
Altair: Maybe you should. I think I know what this is about.
Malik: I will contact them.
Malik heads over towards Diddy and Tux.
Malik approaches Diddy and Tux.
Diddy: We noticed you can break the fourth wall.
Malik: Have any of you played Assassin's Creed 1?
Diddy: My girlfriend is on it.
Malik: I think you should play it yourself before you continue in your work.
Tux: But Malik—
Malik: No buts! You must play Assassin's Creed 1!
Diddy: Yeah, I think we'll play Assassin's Creed 1 after we finish—
Malik: You have to play it and beat it! I'm telling you!
Tux: Are you saying what we're going through is parodying Assassin's Creed 1?
Malik: The plot, yes.
Diddy: What about the plot?
Malik: I don't understand, but I'm afraid that what happened to Altair could happen to you too.
Tux: Yeah. Altair was speaking of Déjà Vu.
Malik: And now I have the situation realized. You have to play it in order to understand why you're doing
all this I'm afraid.
Tux: Well, your word of wisdom has done us no good.
Diddy: It only scares us even more.
Malik: You have every right to be scared, and to have emotion.
Diddy: I should not fear these feelings?
Malik: You should embrace them and control them! They are part of what makes us who we are. They
are to be studied, not pitied or ignored.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 1.4
Diddy: Well, that should comfort us.
Diddy and Tux hug Malik with his one arm.
Malik: Altair and I will work hard to do what we can to help you both. Robin should comfort you.
Tux: Okay.
Malik lets Diddy and Tux go.
Diddy and Tux ride with Robin into the desert.
Robin: Well, Malik sure was helpful.
Tux: Well, it's a bit of a scare, actually.
Robin: Well, I promise you that as an Elder of Israel, I will make sense out of all this.
Diddy: Would you, Robin?
Robin: Maybe, hopefully.
Diddy and Tux ride with Robin on a really fast horse.
Diddy: You made a very wise choice, Robin.
Robin: Yeah, I felt a bit obligated after dealing with really fast hedgehogs!
Diddy laughs and grins.
Robin: I like you both. I hate to see you go.
Diddy: I will remember you.
Tux: I promise that you will be remembered by many.
Robin: Well thank you for your comfort.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 2.1
Diddy and Tux arrive with Robin at the meeting between Samedi and Carrington.
Carrington: 3000 souls, Samedi. I was told they would be held used to barter for the release of our
creatures.
Samedi: The iSony would not have honored their end of the bargain. You know this to be true. I did you
a favor.
Carrington: Ha! Oh, yes, a great favor indeed! Now our enemies will be that much stronger in their
convictions, fight that much harder!
Samedi: I know our enemy well! They will not be emboldened, but filled with fear!
Carrington: Tell me, how is it you know the intentions of our enemies so well? You, who forsake the
fields of battle to play in politics?
Samedi: I did what was right, what was just!
Carrington: You swore an oath to uphold the work of Rareware, but that's not what I see here! No, I see
a man who has trampled it!
Samedi: Your words are most unkind, sir. I would hope I might earn your trust by now.
Carrington: You are the leader of the Total War theatre, Samedi, set to rule our forces here under my
command. How much more trust is required? Perhaps you'd like my rank!
Samedi: You miss the point, but this is nothing new!
Carrington: Much as I'd like to waste my day trading words with you, I've a war to fight. We'll have to
continue this another time.
Samedi: Do not let me delay you then, commander.
Carrington leaves in a shuttle with his escort.
Samedi: I fear there will be no place for creatures like him in the new world. Send word that I wish to
speak with the troops. We must ensure that everyone is doing their part. Warn them that any
negligence will be severely punished. I am in no mood to be trifled with today!
dataDyne: Yes, Samedi.
Samedi: The rest of you, follow me!
dataDyne: Well, any other request?
Samedi: We are at civil war. If you see a cute monkey, kill him! He might be a Kong!
Diddy: That's right: we are at civil war!
Tux: And this time, we'll uncover the secrets of Rare Relics.
Monguin Studios Presents
A Web Series by Gabriel Smith
Starring Nintendo, Linux, and Ubisoft
In Loving Memory of Rareware
Guest Starring Bethesda Software
EPISODE VIII
MEDIEVAL FANTASY AND
MEDIEVAL HISTORY
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 2.2
Samedi: Just do as I ask, in the name of Microsoft!
dataDyne: Yes, sir!
Diddy and Tux spot another Spartan.
Robin: What?
Tux: Another Spartan!
Diddy and Tux stealthily kill the Spartan.
Diddy: Smooth! Just as I like it!
Tux: One down, three more to go.
Diddy and Tux follow Samedi from close behind.
They dispatch each of the dataDynes with their ranged weapons.
Diddy and Tux spot another Spartan.
Another strike and hit for Diddy and Tux.
Robin: Let me try and hitting them.
Diddy: Remember...
Tux: The neck! Hit them in the neck.
Robin shoots some of the dataDynes in the necks.
Tux: You're getting it.
Diddy, Tux, and Robin continue to tail Samedi.
Robin: You two are good teachers.
Tux: You thank Diddy. He's the marksman, or the marksMONK I should say, since he's not really a man.
Robin: I know what you mean little one.
Diddy, Tux, and Robin spot another Spartan.
They attempt to approach him silently.
Robin: I think I might spare my arrows and approach him directly.
Tux: Well, that's going to be tricky.
Diddy and Tux encounter a Spartan.
They approach him as usual.
They act cute as if they couldn't be Assassins.
They would use their charm as a shield.
Robin: Is this how you do stealth?
Tux: You use your methods. We'll use ours.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 2.3
Diddy: Yeah, they have pretty good range with firearms. They can fire many rounds of bullets in a matter
of seconds before reloading, and even then, they're quick.
Tux: Be careful, Robin.
Diddy, Tux, and Robin perform a surprise attack.
Tux: Here is Samedi.
Samedi: This ends today! I will not suffer further bitter defeat at his hands! For whether or not you see
it, and you should, this is your fault! You've brought shame upon us all! Skill and dedication are what
won us up, and they will be required to keep it!
Diddy and Tux spot another Spartan.
Samedi notices a dead Spartan.
Samedi: Who did that? Show yourself!
Diddy and Tux stay out of the way and hide themselves behind their charm.
Samedi: Whatever!
Samedi continues forward.
I have been truly lenient, but no more! You will train harder and more often! If this means missing
meals, missing sleep, so be it, and should you fail in these tasks, you will learn the true meaning of
discipline. Bring them forward.
Some of the dataDynes are brought forth for questioning.
Samedi: If I must make examples of some of you to ensure obedience, so be it!
Diddy and Tux attack another Spartan with great surprise.
Tux: Well, that was a huge success.
Diddy: You think?
Tux: We took down all of the Spartans in this area.
Diddy: Yep.
Tux: I wonder what Clippy has to say about us.
Clippy: Achievement unlocked: No Mercy to Spartans.
Samedi: The two of you stand accused and whoring and drinking while on duty. What say you of these
charges?
dataDyne: No, commander. Please, we-we meant no harm by it! We...we forgot ourselves. It will not
happen again!
Samedi: No, it won't. (to his Age of Empires monks) Take these soldiers captive for human sacrifice.
Samedi disappears into the temple.
Diddy: Well, I guess we go in.
Tux: Let's do this.
Robin: So, we just go in and kill the guy?
Tux: Yes, but the trick is to do it entirely by surprise.
Robin: I can arrange that, Tux.
Diddy: Good.
Tux: Does the map seem familiar to you?
Diddy: Pretty much.
Tux: Then we'll follow your lead, Diddy Kong.
Diddy: Talking about déjà vous…
Robin: Déjà vous?
Tux: This looks familiar to Diddy because it's a classic map.
Robin: What of it?
Tux: Never mind.
Diddy: So, if I guess right, we would be doing that level in Goldeneye with Samedi and the Golden Gun.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 2.4
Tux: I think you're right, Diddy.
Diddy: We'll just explore the place.
Diddy and Tux journey into what resembles the Temple from Goldeneye and Perfect Dark.
Diddy: This is cool!
Tux: Finally, some shades!
Robin: Well, unless if otherwise noted, I will just put away my longbow and figure out how to use this
really fancy crossbow.
Diddy: Let me see it.
Diddy sees the cheapo crossbow from Perfect Dark.
Diddy: Um, you do realize this is not of your level of technology.
Robin: Sure it is! It's a crossbow!
Diddy: But it's from a futuristic reference. If you're going to be the original Medieval sharpshooter, you
might as well use the technology your people CAN build.
Robin: I'll think of something. I like using various sources of arsenal.
Diddy: Less is more, Robin of Locksley.
Robin uses the Crossbow on some of the dataDynes.
Diddy: Nice!
Robin notices that Diddy just picked up an idea.
Robin: Is there something you would like to say?
Diddy notices that he can use the crossbow to give Dixie and Tiny Kong an idea about feather bows to
work with the Assassins.
Diddy: Once we're finished here, can you give me your crossbow?
Robin: I thought your interest was in firearms, monkey.
Diddy: It is, it's just...
Tux: We rather not talk about it. Perhaps the other inhabitants like Sonic could explain all this to you.
Robin: Interesting.
Diddy, Tux, and Robin journey throughout the Temple multiplayer map.
Robin: So, how do we find Samedi?
Tux: Well, it's obvious, I guess.
Diddy: Eagle Vision!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 3.1
Diddy, Tux, and Robin use Eagle Vision.
They see a hidden door that would take them to yet another map.
Diddy: Just as I expected, you two.
Tux: What?
Diddy: The OTHER unlockable level for Goldeneye like the shuttle base.
Tux: Really?
Diddy: Yep.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 3.2
Tux: Great! Now we need to find Samedi!
Diddy: This looks familiar.
Tux: It's like Black Mage, AND it's one of the levels from Goldeneye.
Diddy: Only he's a James Bond character not a Final Fantasy character.
Tux: That's right.
Robin: So, we find this guy and approach him silently.
Diddy: Yeah, but make sure you only attack him with a hidden blade so you can speak to him personally.
Robin: Ah, what's the fun in that?
Tux: We are not kidding! We have seen way too many strange things to be fooling around.
Diddy: Yeah, we're still trying to find out what Samedi is up to, why he's done what he's done.
Robin: I promise you, I'm an Elder of Israel. If this is about the monguins, so be it. Let me listen as well.
Tux: Okay.
Diddy: Just listen and ponder these things in your mind.
Tux: Pretty soon, you will know your place, Robin.
Robin: Okay.
Diddy: I wonder if there is a Golden Gun around here.
Tux: Oh, yes! I remember! Egyptian level!
Diddy: We're doing the same exact thing James Bond was doing.
Tux: Except with hidden blades!
Diddy: I guess you would have to follow me to the Golden Gun.
Tux: Why?
Diddy: You'll see.
Diddy leads Tux and Robin.
Diddy sees the chamber where the Golden Gun is laid hidden.
Diddy: Alright then.
Diddy, Tux, and Robin breeze pass the tiles with ease.
Diddy accesses the Golden PP7.
Robin picks it up.
Robin tries to play with it.
Diddy recognizes the gun and attempts to disarm it.
Diddy: Careful with that thing.
Robin: It's a firearm!
Diddy attempts to disarm the weapon.
Diddy emerges successful.
Diddy: Yes, and it's very deadly.
Robin: Off with the assassination target?
Diddy: I'll hold onto this thing and you two can go after Samedi.
Tux: Why?
Diddy: He's expecting me. He's not expecting you.
Tux: Okay.
Tux waddles like a cute penguin.
Swiftly, Tux strikes Samedi with ease.
Tux: Rest now. Your schemes are at an end.
Samedi: So, what is this?
Tux: You were expecting Diddy Kong?
Samedi: Your friend? Ha! Gabriel Angelos has a new piece on the board to change the game. His latest
weapon has ensured my defeat.
Tux: Yes.
Samedi: What do you know of my work, anyway?
Tux: You're affiliated with Rare Relics. I would like for you to tell me exactly what you plan on doing with
the technology you received from the alliance.
Samedi: What else do you know about me?
Tux: I know you're going to murder Carrington and claim Total War for yourself.
Samedi: Myself? Tux, I fight for a noble cause.
Tux: What is that? I would like to know.
Samedi: Total War does not belong to me or Carrington. It belongs to Sega as they did better with Total
War than they did with their "classic" franchises.
Tux: You claim to speak for the citizens both native and Sega? You stole their food, disciplined them
without mercy, and forced them into service for you.
Samedi: Everything I did I did to prepare them for the new world. Stole their food? No, I took
possession, so that when the lean times came, it might be rationed properly. Look around, the
command theatre is without crime, save those committed by you and your friends and allies. And as for
the conscription, they were not being trained to fight. They were being taught the merits of order and
discipline. These things are hardly evil.
Tux: No matter how noble you believe your intentions, these acts are cruel and cannot continue.
Samedi: I can tell you one thing. We'll see how sweet they are, the fruits of your labors. You do not free
the cities as you believe, but rather damn them. And in the end, you'll have only yourself to blame, you
who speak of good intentions.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 3.3
Samedi dies.
Diddy: Solo nella morte si può ricevere la pace come avete immaginato. (Only in death can one receive
true peace as you have imagined it.) Requiescat in pace.
Animus reverts back to the temple.
dataDyne: Assassin!
Robin: Now what do we do?
Tux: This is the part where you have to run!
Diddy: Running time!
Diddy and Tux attempt to escape.
dataDyne: You will not get away!
Diddy pulls out his pistols and starts firing.
Tux: Yeah, get them off of us!
Diddy: Yes! You do your part and I'll do mine.
Robin: So, this is the part where we run away?
Tux: Assassins are never good in close combat.
Robin: Unless if you're someone like Altair who is a cold blooded killer.
Tux: Yes, but we're not so much like that.
Diddy: I'll keep them off!
Robin: Yes! I'll cover you!
Diddy and Robin work together with shooting.
Tux: Do you trigger happy English sharpshooters ever run out of bullets?
Diddy and Robin manage to run out of bullets.
Diddy pulls out his Golden PP7.
Diddy: This thing is puny!
Robin: We could have assassinated Samedi with that.
Diddy: Na! James Bond tried that...it didn't work.
Robin: Really?
Diddy: He just kept coming back to life.
Robin: Okay, that was just ridiculous.
Diddy: Well, this is a good backup plan!
Tux: Just get out of here.
Many of the patrols attempt to shoot the trio.
Diddy: Ship!
Tux: I'm not sure if I have enough throwing stars!
Diddy, Tux, and Robin attempt to evade the attacks.
Tux: Well, at least this place isn't so much as clichéd as the last dungeon we went to.
Diddy: Yeah, this place was a bit more realistic.
Robin: By the way, where are the arrows?
Tux: You wasted your ammunition.
Diddy and Robin: YES!
Tux: You marks-creatures are not doing your part well.
Diddy: Well, it's not my fault this is a parody.
Tux: Just don't give up.
Robin pulls out his swashbuckler and rapier while Diddy engages in an unarmed combat.
Diddy: I'm used to engaging guys with firearms unarmed anyway.
Tux: Ninjutsu?
Diddy: If you are thinking about breaking into a song, don't do it!
Tux: Everybody was Kung Fu fighting,
Diddy: No!
Tux: those cats were fast as lightning
Diddy: Stop it!
Tux: In fact it was a little bit frightening,
Diddy: Stop it!
Tux: but they fought with expert timing
Diddy: For cruising out loud! Stop it!
Tux: There was funky China men from funky Chinatown.
Robin: Penguins are very weird!
Tux: They were chopping them up, they were chopping them down.
Diddy: Somebody stop the penguin from singing.
Tux: It's an ancient Chinese art, and everybody knew their part
Robin: No, it's hilarious.
Tux: From a feint into a slip, then I'm kicking' from the hip
Diddy: Even if you don't know what Kung Fu is?
Tux: Everybody was Kung Fu fighting
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.1
Chapter 3.4
Robin: No, I think it's funny and cute your friend should be singing like that.
Diddy: You know you are in a parody when someone comically breaks into a song for no apparent
reason.
Diddy, Tux, and Robin are back out of the Temple.
Diddy, Tux, and Robin get back on the horse.
Robin: We just ride back to Masyaf.
Tux: Yes! Finally, we can get out of this miserable place.
Diddy: Easy for you to say, penguin.
Robin: They're coming!
Tux: Well, you have any plans?
Robin: I'm lucky I left a quiver on my horse and nobody took it.
Tux: Well?
Robin: Well, the bow I might be using is not as good, but I got it where it counts.
Tux: Well, be quick about it.
Robin attempts to shoot from his horse.
Robin: Mounted archery is not as easy as I remembered.
Tux: I hope you can pull it off though, Robin.
Robin: I can see that.
Robin shoots off many of the Muslim Archers that are behind him.
Robin: You will never catch me, Muslims!
Diddy and Tux arrive back at Masyaf.
Tux: You are a good rider.
Robin: Yes, I am. I hate to see you go, Tux.
Tux: I think so too.
Robin: It's been fun, you two.
Tux: Yes, but now, keep the guys off of us while I'll talk to the Rafiq.
Tux enters the bureau.
Diddy follows from behind.
Rafiq appears to be waiting for them.
Rafiq: What news?
Tux: Samedi is dead, and with him, his plans for betrayal.
Rafiq: You've done well, Tux, keeping Total War from his hands.
Tux: But why now, when the Loyalists require unity most? He could've waited.
Rafiq: Waited for what? For Carrington to return and discover his schemes? Now, it was the perfect time
for him to strike.
Tux: Strange, I was sure he meant to take Total War for his private possession, yet he claimed this was
not his plan.
Rafiq: You cannot trust the words of a snake, which even in death, produces venom.
Tux: I should discuss this with Gabriel Angelos, along with a few other things.
Rafiq: What?
Tux: Rare Relics.
Rafiq: What is that?
Tux: When I was at BioShock, I encountered this mysterious group that consists not only of the Loyalists,
but of their buddies from Relic Entertainment's games as well.
Rafiq: Like what?
Tux: Rex Chance from Impossible Creatures. The group has been funded by Abstergo with one solid
purpose, us!
Rafiq: Assassins?
Tux: The duo! Diddy Kong and me.
Rafiq: Speak to Gabriel Angelos then!
Tux: Okay, I will. He might actually give me answers for once!
Diddy and Tux leave the place.
Tux: Well, I think we should give the legendary hero one last goodbye.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 1.1
EPISODE 4.2
Monguin: So, what do you think is going to happen next?
Mickey Monguin: I'm starting to see the pattern.
Monguin: Really?
Mickey Monguin: Yes.
Monguin: Let me guess, we're actually parodying Assassin's Creed 1.
Mickey Monguin: Yes we are.
Monguin: Interesting.
Mickey Monguin: So, yeah. I recognize Tux's actions on Diddy's island.
Monguin: It's like the Solomon's Temple mission.
Mickey Monguin: And when we get out of the animus, we're having the same conversations Desmond
had.
Monguin: And each of the assassination targets are like the assassination targets in Assassin's Creed 1.
Mickey Monguin: Really?
Monguin: Fighter equals Tamir.
Mickey Monguin: Black Mage equals Garnier.
Monguin: Mr. Blonde equals Talal
Mickey Monguin: Wizpig equals Abu'l Nuqoud.
Monguin: And we just got through fighting somebody resembling William of Montferrat.
Mickey Monguin: Yes. I notice that the patterns of the conversations follow the patterns of the
conversations in Assassin's Creed 1.
Monguin: And now, Diddy and Tux are scared to death.
Mickey Monguin: Rare Relics? I don't blame them. It's us, they're after!
Monguin: Us two? Subjects 27 and 28?
Mickey Monguin: Yes.
Monguin: Oh, I bet I know what's going to happen next!
Clippy: Should you enter a fistfight, guards will not interfere, but drawing your weapon will turn them
hostile.
Monguin: Really?
Mickey Monguin: Don't you just love Clippy?
Monguin: Yeah, most despised above all means.
Mickey Monguin: Interesting fight, Diddy and Tux picked.
Monguin: Yes! Our ancestors must be very brave.
Mickey Monguin: Yeah, right! They were forced to kill those characters.
Monguin: Yeah, I can see where this is going.
Mickey Monguin: Tux is going to yell at Angelos for being so secretive just like Altair yelled at Al Mualim.
Monguin: Poor monkey-penguin duo.
Mickey Monguin: Don't you just love how the animus turns some of the most awesome characters into
nasty bullies?
Monguin: Master Chief especially!
Mickey Monguin: Yeah, I'm surprised we hadn't seen him yet.
Monguin: Of all of the Microsoft characters, you would think we would be seeing a lot of John 117.
Mickey Monguin: Actually, the way he was portrayed several times by fans, he actually IS a bully, if you
think about it.
Monguin: He swaps guns with the Marines and kills them.
Mickey Monguin: I want to play Halo 1 for that reason, just so I can play the first level and be a jerk!
Monguin: You wish!
Mickey Monguin: So, all of the popular Microsoft characters seem to have been portrayed as Spartans.
Monguin: Yeah, so?
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 1.2
Mickey Monguin: I wonder what Banjo would be like as a Spartan.
Monguin: That's a good question, brother. According to the Halo Wiki, you don't volunteer to become a
Spartan. You're somehow forced into service with intensive training.
Mickey Monguin: In other words, not all Spartans are going to be loyal subjects.
Monguin: Nope.
Clippy: Memory complete.
The animus loads back to the Marine Frigate back at Azeroth.
There, Diddy and Tux stand right before Gabriel Angelos with serious questions.
Angelos: Come in, Tux. I would have news of your progress.
Tux: I've done as you've asked.
Angelos: Good, good. I sense your thoughts are elsewhere. Speak your mind.
Tux: Each creature you've sent me to kill spoke strange words to me. Each mission has given us some
strange and serious concerns. Every moment that we share with Altair is considered "déjà vu" to him
and I don't blame him. Each time I come to you and ask for answers. Each time you give only riddles in
exchange, but no more!
Angelos: Who are you to say "No more"?
Tux: I'm the one who does the killing. If you want me to continue, you will speak straight with me for
once!
Angelos: Tread carefully, Tux, I do not like your tone.
Tux: And I do not like your deception!
Angelos: I have offered you a chance to restore your lost honor.
Tux: Not lost, taken by you! And then you've sent me to fetch it again like some drone dog!
Angelos: (draws his sword) It seems I'll need to replace you with another! A shame, you showed great
potential.
Tux: If you had someone to replace me with, you would have sent him long ago instead of me. You said
the answer to my question would arise when I no longer needed to ask it, so I will not ask. I demand you
tell me what binds these creatures!
Angelos: What you say is true. These creatures are connected, by a strong blood oath not unlike our
own, or more accurately, a unity not unlike that which you have established with Diddy and Enguarde.
Tux: What are they?!
Angelos: Non nobis Domine, non nobis.
Tux: Spartans! Templars! Rare Relics!
Angelos: Now you see the true reach of Alec Trevelyan.
Tux: All of these creatures, leaders of operations, commanders of Special Forces...
Angelos: All pledge allegiance to his cause.
Tux: Their works are not meant to be viewed on their own, arte they, but as a whole. What do they
desire?
Angelos: They seek the classic franchises not for the Users, but for the Corporations.
Tux: What of Carrington? iSony?
Angelos: Any who oppose the Spartans will be destroyed. Be assured they have the means to accomplish
it.
Tux: Then they must be stopped.
Angelos: This is why we do our work, Tux, to ensure a future free of such things.
Tux: Why did you hide the truth from me?
Angelos: That you might pierce the veil yourself. Like any tasks, knowledge precedes action. Information
learned is more valuable than information given. Besides, your recent behavior had not inspired much
confidence.
Tux: I see.
Angelos: Tux, your mission has not changed, merely the context within which you perceive it.
Tux: And armed with this knowledge, I might better understand those Spartans that remain.
Angelos: Is there anything else you want to know?
Tux: What about the treasure Will retrieved from my friend's island? Alec seemed desperate to have it
back.
Angelos: In time, Tux, everything will become clear. Just as the role of the Spartans has revealed itself to
you, so too will the nature of their treasure. For now, take comfort in the fact that it is not in their
hands, but ours.
Tux: If this is your desire.
Angelos: It is. You are restored another rank. Take back your weapon. Use it to bring honor to the
Brotherhood.
Diddy and Tux prepare to leave.
Angelos: Tux, before you go...
Tux: Yes?
Angelos: How did you know I wouldn't kill you?
Tux: Truth be told, Master. I didn't. I took a leap of faith.
Diddy gets his sniper pistols back for excellent range, along with Super Simian Slam.
Tux gets 10 more Ninja Stars and improved assassination techniques.
Diddy and Tux prepare to leave to the Shipyard.
The Shipyard is set on a course to Elder Scrolls.
Tux: One more target.
Diddy: Yes, then we get three final targets, I hope.
Tux: That was a relief.
Diddy: Yeah, at least we know what these guys are up to.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 1.3
Tux: Yes, but what do the Light Warriors have to do with the Spartans and the Loyalists?
Diddy: I don't know.
Tux: It seems like they have something to do with it.
Diddy: No kidding!
Tux: Well, about that treasure, that Apple of Eden. What does it do?
Diddy: It creates illusions, Tux, and provides forbidden knowledge. It's rather complicated, but at least
I'm familiar with it.
Tux: Yes.
Diddy: There are a few Pieces of Eden out there that I know for sure, but I wonder what's so special
about that particular Piece of Eden on Angelos' frigate.
Tux: Whatever it is about, is up to us to find out, with or without Angelos' help.
Diddy: I bet it has to do with the monguins.
Tux: Really?
Diddy: The monguin seems to be like some form of a miracle. It couldn't be a simple genetic process.
Tux: Are you saying it would have required the Apple of Eden to create the monguins?
Diddy: The same technology that did Biblical stuff and provided useful inventions in the first place? Yes!
Tux: I still don't quite get it.
Diddy: Maybe when you see it for the first time, you'll know how it works.
Tux: Interesting.
Diddy: It is.
Tux: So, we're heading to Elder Scrolls.
Diddy: Yes.
Tux: If it is the Oblivion section, I'm going to laugh!
Diddy: You would?
Tux: Yes I would! Microsoft releases one of the finest gaming consoles on the market with the release of
three games, one of them being exclusive for Xbox 360.
Diddy: Microsoft releases Xbox 360 and the first thing they did with it is get laughed at by my fans with
the epic fail game, Perfect Dark Zero!
Tux: Let's see here... when did Vista come out?
Diddy: I'm pretty sure it's the days of Windows XP and the uprising of YouTube.
Tux: What was the third game, Diddy?
Diddy: Call of Duty 2. There are few other games that came out with Xbox 360, but these three seemed
to be the most anticipating games.
Tux: And yet, while the other two seemed to be pretty fun, Perfect Dark Zero was a big letdown for
many of your fans.
Diddy: Yes! And then they just fooled themselves with Kinect and Avatars!
Tux: While Bethesda gets the upper hand.
Diddy: Yes.
Tux: We're going to encounter Thief.
Diddy: He's probably going to be a bully when we approach him.
Tux: You think so, Diddy?
Diddy: Yes.
Tux: I just love how some of the best heroes are turned into villains.
Diddy: Interesting.
Tux: Well, at least we didn't see any PANICS references during our last two targets, especially on
Rapture.
Diddy: What's PANICS?
Tux: A Rooster Teeth series that parodies the Sierra game called FEAR, which stands for First Encounter
Assault Recon.
Diddy: And what of the PANICS acronym?
Tux: People Acting Normal In Crazy Situations.
Diddy: Makes sense.
Tux: PANICS is related to your civil war because Red vs... Blue has become so popular among the Halo
fans that Bungee and Microsoft had a positive relationship with Rooster Teeth on that behalf.
Diddy: It sounds like Tobuscus and Ubisoft after the famous Assassin's Creed Literal Trailer.
Tux: Interesting.
Diddy: What of Sierra?
Tux: You know Homeworld, right?
Diddy: We travel on those ships all the time. What about the game?
Tux: Sierra was the company that distributed the Homeworld games, before the company went out of
business.
Diddy: And I suspect that the genre of FEAR matches the genre of BioShock.
Tux: Yes, and the genre of PANICS matches the humor that we had been experiencing lately.
Diddy: No kidding, especially when we're travelling the paths of Altair.
Tux: Except we do a lot more swimming than he did.
Diddy: Obviously!
Tux: So, I think we're here.
Diddy: Let me look!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 1.4
Diddy and Tux look over board to see the planet Elder Scrolls.
Diddy: I wonder what sort of Spartans await us there.
Tux: I think given that this is Elder Scrolls, we're probably going to see some really stupid Spartans here.
Diddy: The stupid Loyalists using Windows Vista?
Tux: Yes.
Diddy: Makes sense. I think this planet is being contested.
Tux: Really?
Diddy: Tread carefully. This time, we're not going to know which side to fight with.
Tux: Well, isn't Thief a Spartan?
Diddy: Only in secret. We know the Light Warriors are, but not Microsoft and iSony in general.
Tux: They think he's an iSony.
Diddy: Yes, one of the best there is.
Tux: Well, this got to be interesting.
Diddy: A war is going on and we're in the neutral zone.
Tux: If only some of Nintendo and Linux were here to assist us.
Diddy: True that, Tux.
Assassin: Welcome to Elder Scrolls.
Diddy: Well hello there, killer.
Assassin: Hello, traitor.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 2.1
Diddy grins as if he finds the warm welcome to be a bit of an oxymoron.
Tux: Well, it's nice to see you here.
Assassin hugs Diddy and Tux.
Assassin: I've heard from Altair how you must have felt.
Tux: Yes, and hopefully, Angelos' inspiring words would be of much help.
Diddy: It IS a Civil War after all.
Assassin: I know it is, Diddy. I hope I might find some of those adorable Separatists.
Diddy: Yeah, where were they when we needed them? I was willing to give each and every one of them
an Android smartphone.
Assassin: They probably would use it as well because open source is the best weapon against stupid
corporate policies.
Diddy: Forget the policies. Everything is permitted anyway.
Assassin: You make me smile.
Tux: Yeah, we like doing that. We get comfort in return often times. It helps relieve our stress.
Diddy: Especially when we're at a fishing dock somewhere with Enguarde. Because, when that happens,
cuteness overload!
Assassin: So, you enjoy being cute.
Diddy: Yes.
Assassin: It's nice talking to you. Hey, if you find a Separatist, bring him here. We could always use some
recruits.
Tux: With all due respect, there is a plot going on with us two personally that mainly has to do with
Rareware and Relic. I don't think we would want any recruits until we get that plot straightened out.
Assassin: Sorry I have to hear that. Anyways, good luck at Elder Scrolls. Safety and peace, Diddy and Tux.
Diddy: On you as well.
Tux: Wow, those guys sure adore us. I wonder why we have to do all this work.
Diddy: So we can supposedly regain Angelos' honor?
Tux: True that, Diddy.
Diddy: I don't know. Hate to be prideful, but you got a very good point. I mean the Creed states that you
don't have to officially be a leader in order to naturally be respected. Charisma alone makes the leader.
Tux: Yeah, I kind of noticed that first hand. It also mainly has to deal with working hard willingly without
having to do as you're told as your works will eventually be noticed.
Diddy: What makes you say that?
Tux: I keep getting calls from many of your old friends.
Diddy: Awesome!
Tux: Well, we'll just go onto the planet and start investigating.
Diddy and Tux head towards the shuttles.
An Assassin steps in the way.
Assassin: Tux, it seems like my students don't fully understand what it is to be an Assassin. Perhaps you
can show them what you know.
Tux: Or not!
Diddy: I'm sick and tired of all these tutorials! This is the second half of the series.
Clippy shows up.
Clippy: Yes, but the entire series is only the first half of the first third. This series only parodies Assassin's
Creed 1.
Diddy: What do you mean?
Clippy: You have to follow the entire Desmond storyline.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 2.2
Tux: SHIP!
Diddy: Clippy can break the fourth wall?
Tux: If he can't, he would only be able to talk to the monguins.
Diddy: True. Very true.
Clippy: Now, do as I tell you to do. Just do this for your descendants and everything will be fine.
Tux: Last time I checked, we never had been friends!
Clippy: You have your updated sniper thingy and more ninja stars! Practice with them! May the Father
of Understanding guide you.
Diddy gets facepalm.
Tux: What?
Diddy: He just had to say that!
Tux: What?
Diddy: "May the Father of Understanding guide you."
Tux: Is that a catchphrase of some kind?
Diddy: Templars say that all the time in Assassin's Creed 2.
Tux: Oh.
Diddy and Tux continue onward with the training.
Tux: Alright. I suspect this is going to be a target practice.
Diddy: Sure. I got improved range and you got more ninja stars.
Tux: Yes. Leave the closer targets to me, though, Diddy.
Diddy: Sure thing, Tux.
Clippy: It looks like you're at a target practice. Can I help you with that?
Monguin: Oh please, cruisers no!
Mickey Monguin: I frigate hate that guy!
Diddy and Tux work on their practices.
Diddy takes on the long range shots.
Tux takes on the short range shots.
Tux: This could get ridiculous.
Diddy: I wonder what plot hole we're going to encounter this time.
Tux: I hope it's some form of clarity.
Diddy: I hope so too.
Tux: Well, I think we could use some training actually.
Diddy: Those shooters giving you a headache?
Tux: YES!
Diddy shoots two really long range targets at once.
Clippy: Achievement Unlocked: Blindly Follow Clippy.
Assassin: Excellent!
Diddy: It would have made sense if I got this upgrade after I was with someone who would one day
become the famous medieval sharp shooter.
Tux: Yeah, I just noticed that. I wish we could have brought Robin with us on board.
Diddy: He would love it!
Tux: From what I understood, he spent much of his time at a target practice.
Diddy: Yeah, that's true.
Tux: Don't you just love annoying helpers?
Diddy: Yes!
Tux: I want to go home and play Sonic the Hedgehog Omochao Edition.
Diddy: Only because we've been on Total War for how long?
Tux: I don't know, really!
Clippy: It looks like you're having a bromance conversation. Want some help?
Tux: Clippy, get a life!
Diddy: Yeah because we both have girlfriends in case you didn't notice.
Clippy: Ooh! You got girlfriends!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 2.3
Diddy: Yes, it's a romance that involves the cutest couple known to retro gamers, a sort of a classic
feeling Loyalists that are on YOUR side don't seem to get.
Clippy: Whatever!
Clippy keeps annoying Diddy and Tux.
Tux looks very upset.
Tux: Clippy, would you please go away?
Clippy: No! I got to stay with you throughout this tutorial.
Diddy: Ship!
Clippy: That's right you two! You have declared war on me and now you'll suffer the consequences.
Tux: I hate you already!
Diddy and Tux do an impressive job.
Assassin: the work of the master!
Diddy continues to get excellent shots.
Tux does the similar thing.
Diddy and Tux completed the tutorial.
Assassin: And that, my students, is how we ALL should fight.
Tux: Okay. I'm off.
Diddy: Me too!
Diddy and Tux leave the shipyard with Enguarde of course.
Diddy and Tux arrive at the bureau.
Diddy: Hey, it's Will again!
Tux: Safety and peace, Will.
Will: Were it that the place was possessed of either. Why do you trouble me today?
Tux: Gabriel Angelos has marked Thief for death. What can you tell me of him?
Will: The absence of iSony's presence has kept Elder Scrolls in the dark for a long time. Thief volunteered
to take position as governor over this world. Fear and intimidation get him what he wants. He has no
true claim to the position.
Tux: Do they realize that thief is not actually with the iSony? This ends today.
Will: You speak too readily. This is not some slaver we're discussing. He rules Tamriel and is well
protected because of it. I suggest you plan your attack carefully, get to better know your prey.
Tux: With your help, I will. After my last two targets, I realized that I can't be so naive as to just simply
kill because I was told to just so I can gain my honor. I realized this is serious business. Where would you
have me begin my search?
Will: What's this? You're actually asking for my assistance instead of demanding it. I'm impressed.
Tux: Be out with it.
Will: As you wish. Here's where I would look. There is the grand city that is in the center of this entire
province. That city is full of great people. There are also some towns all over this province. Several of
them have thieves' guilds. You can listen to those guys. They are very talkative.
Tux: Thank you for your help.
Will: Don't foul this, Tux.
Monguin: So, Elder Scrolls.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 2.4
Mickey Monguin: Yes. That's where we're heading.
Monguin: Can you believe these "civilized" people?
Mickey Monguin: I did some studies about politics in real life.
Monguin: And what did you get from it?
Mickey Monguin: Nothing. They just unanimously hate it.
Monguin: They want absolute freedom from consequences.
Mickey Monguin: I guess that's what the government are trying to do.
Monguin: Eliminate the consequences?
Mickey Monguin: I see through the eyes of Diddy and Tux that we have responsibility.
Monguin: Yes, as monguins and as Assassins.
Mickey Monguin: By preaching to humanity that nothing is true and everything is permitted will help
them shape that.
Monguin: But some things ARE true.
Mickey Monguin: There is only one thing that can bring forth truth.
Monguin: What is that?
Mickey Monguin: Revelation. We need direct revelation given to us to bring forth any clarity.
Monguin: Order, on the other hand only exists in divine power. Only with such, can there be order.
Other than that, everything's permitted.
Mickey Monguin: I think that's pretty wise.
Monguin: So, it kind of makes sense that the Elders of Israel will bring order to United States when it's
most threatened.
Mickey Monguin: But until those days come, there has to be Assassins. There has to be violence.
Monguin: I just can't wait to watch Sir Gabriel fight. That guy looks awesome, and he matches the
element of fire, doesn't he?
Mickey Monguin: As a matter of fact, he does.
Monguin: Oh, I would love to see him fight! He looks so heroic.
Mickey Monguin: I think that guy makes the most sense for a super hero. His powers are very subtle. His
strength and ability to fight is bent on his anger like the Incredible Hulk, although it's a bit more subtle.
He's like Iron Man except a bit more on the boy scout edge.
Monguin: He's got an awesome sword.
Mickey Monguin: Yes, but from the looks of him, he also has a dagger.
Monguin: What other super hero can you compare him to?
Mickey Monguin: Captain America with a similar goal, although he has radically different methods.
Monguin: What does he use?
Mickey Monguin: From what I hear of him, he practically allowed the United States to shut down
because of his wisdom about the US Constitution.
Monguin: What is the wisdom?
Mickey Monguin: The Constitution only works when the majority of the people practices self discipline.
Monguin: Yes. Come to think about it, people say that soldiers provide freedom, but they don't, rather
they do the exact opposite.
Mickey Monguin: Which is the reason why Sir Gabriel seems to favor fighting politicians in duwls versus
having to roll out heavy tanks all the time.
Monguin: It's the wars themselves that provide freedom through teaching humility.
Mickey Monguin: As long as you're not the one that started it.
Monguin: True.
Mickey Monguin: Oh, I think I would love to climb that tall tower in Elder Scrolls.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 3.1
Monguin: Doesn't any of these popular games have any NORMAL looking castles?
Mickey Monguin: My biggest wish is to climb the Disney Castle and synchronize from there.
Monguin: I knew you'd say that.
Diddy and Tux arrive at Elder Scrolls.
They dive into the water outside the island of Tamriel.
Diddy: Alright, Enguarde! Time to use you!
Diddy releases Enguarde from his crate.
The assassins look at Diddy and Tux with awe.
Diddy: What are you looking at?
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 3.2
Assassin: You're cute, don't you know that?
Tux: Whatever.
Diddy and Tux swim up deep into the river towards the main city.
Diddy: We can just set up camp at the main city.
Tux: It's an island.
Diddy: No kidding.
Tux: Hopefully, we encounter some friendly forces here.
Diddy: I think I noticed that the Nintendo characters would be here.
Later, Diddy and Tux see Link swimming on the surface.
Enguarde appears to be helping him out.
Link acts surprised.
Link: Enguarde? What are you doing here? How did you get here?
Diddy pops his head out of the water.
Diddy: Hello, Link.
Link: Well hello, there Diddy Kong! So glad to see you again!
Diddy: After all that's happened, it's nice to see a friendly face after all that we've been through.
Link: Well, I've been hanging around here in this franchise for quite some time. Mario has been hanging
around some of the more ancient worlds and galaxies of arcade games.
Diddy: What about Samus?
Link: Battlefield? Call of Duty? Various shooters including Mass Effect which is having a strong presence
here by the way?
Diddy: In the same sense Terran, Zerg, and Protoss would be colonizing the World of Warcraft, each
getting their own fair share of the world?
Link: In a nutshell, yes. Mass Effect is an RPG shooter. Elder Scrolls is usually a first person RPG.
Diddy: That makes sense.
Link: So, what have you been up to?
Diddy: I'm at a Civil War. The Loyalists are all over the place.
Link: Easy picking too! They're idiots here!
Diddy: I could imagine, since Perfect Dark Zero was a major flop compared to this game.
Link: I agree. Your enemies really did make a fool of themselves.
Diddy: True.
Link: So, now you know about what the other Nintendo characters have been up to.
Diddy: They all went to various games released for Playstation, Xbox, and PC?
Link: Yes, except for Fox McCloud which has been interested in encouraging healthy competition to the
franchises of Warhawk, Crimson Skies, and Freelancer.
Diddy: I kind of noticed that a little bit. Each console has underrated exclusive dogfighting titles.
Link: Precisely. Now, Diddy. What franchise released for PC, Playstation, and Xbox have you been
associated with?
Diddy: I'll give you a hint.
Link: Go ahead.
Diddy: What do 00 agents and Ninjas have in common? What other sort of video game characters
besides us Kongs make parkour look easy?
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 3.3
Link: Well, Ninjas and Secret Agents are both often considered assassins, Diddy. You also mentioned
parkour ability, wait! Assassins, Parkour! Assassin's Creed!
Diddy: Bingo! I even had the Assassin's Creed all figured out.
Link: So you're looking for an Assassination target.
Diddy: A new friend of mine is.
Link: What new friend?
Diddy: It has come to my attention that I resemble a penguin.
Link: Okay...
Diddy: And I hate Microsoft no doubt for kidnapping and using my friends!
Link: Your civil war, Diddy. What about this penguin?
Tux comes out of the water.
Link: Tux!
Tux: Hello, Link.
Link: Well, I'm exploring this place.
Tux: It's nice to see an ally!
Link: Well, Microsoft and iSony are contesting this planet.
Diddy: Really? It looks so peaceful.
Link: It's not nearly as brutal as Total War, that's for sure.
Diddy: Interesting.
Link: Well, you're ready for exploration?
Diddy: Yes.
Link: Well, come with me. I could help you.
Tux: Just watch out for the Call of Duty characters.
Link: Well do, Diddy and Tux.
Tux: Interesting.
Diddy and Tux jump out of the water with Link.
Link: So, it's interesting you should get a penguin friend, Diddy Kong.
Tux: He's actually really nice to me.
Link: Really?
Tux: Yes. I like how he encourages me to be cute like he is. He told me to be more penguin.
Link: Yes. A fine addition to the team.
Diddy: Yes, he is.
Link: So, let me get this straight, you both are assassins.
Tux: In our own respective ways, yes.
Link: Just like how you rival Microsoft and treat the Spartans like an Assassin would treat a Templar?
Tux: Um, Spartans ARE Templars, just redefined and perfectly well updated with the finest suits of
armor.
Link: Interesting.
Tux: Okay, this is the 5th assassination target that took place in a pseudo medieval world.
Link: Where else have you been?
Diddy: Azeroth.
Tux: Total War.
Link: How is that franchise?
Diddy: Shockingly familiar.
Link: How so?
Diddy: Sega dwells on that planet.
Link: Awkward.
Tux: Yes, it is.
Diddy: After finding out that Sega got successful with Creative Assembly after failing miserably with the
Sonic franchise and all that.
Link: It looks like Sega's changing homelands.
Tux: Yes.
Link: That often happens from time to time.
Tux: It does.
Link: Where do you think we should explore?
Diddy: Let's climb the Imperial Palace!
Tux: And jump from there?
Diddy: Yes! I want to get a nice view.
Link: (laughs) I guess it's up to me to bring you both a bale of hay!
Diddy: Thank you.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.2
Chapter 3.4
Diddy and Tux jump from the water, looking cute and cuddly.
The guards look at Diddy and Tux with amazing astonishment.
Guard: Aww! Those two look adorable!
Diddy and Tux stick out their tummies for some belly rubs.
Link: What are you two doing?
Diddy and Tux get belly rubs.
Link: Okay...
Diddy and Tux attract attention from the guards.
Diddy: I'm just playing nice with the guards so they can be tolerant of our actions.
Link: What actions?
Diddy: This...
Diddy pickpockets the citizens.
Diddy tosses them back to the citizens.
The citizens pile over the money.
Link: Whatever, you little monkey.
Diddy: Yes!
Link: I also notice that you were a little chubbier than normal.
Diddy: Fish? They're good for you.
Link: You had been eating fish?
Tux: Diddy sometimes thinks he's a penguin.
Link: You are so weird!
Diddy cuddles with Link.
Diddy: But do you think I'm cute?
Link: You just like being cute, don't you?
Diddy: Yes, I do! It's natural.
Tux: Well, I think now that we have an explanation, we can be a bit more careful with some of our
tactics.
Link: Yes.
Diddy and Tux climb the tower.
Up
Up
and Up do Diddy and Tux go.
Diddy: This is a really tall tower!
Tux: Yes!
Monguins laugh.
Monguin: I just love how you can climb a really tall tower and just miraculously fall into a bale of hay just
about anywhere.
Mickey Monguin: Ha, true!
Diddy and Tux climb.
Synchronize!
Leap of Faith!
Diddy and Tux land into a bale of hay.
Link: I can tell you had been with the Assassins for a while.
Diddy: The first time I fell into a bale of hay, I got really itchy.
Link spots the guards.
Guard: Stop, you violated the law. Pay the court the fine or serve your sentence. Your stolen goods are
now forfeit.
Diddy: Really, Guard?
Guard: Yes, really.
Diddy: I think I'm just going to move away now.
Guard: Then pay with your blood!
The guards chase Diddy and Tux out into the water.
Diddy and Tux dive in.
Link attempts to attack the guards.
Diddy: Just dive in, Link.
Link: Whatever, Diddy. If only I had that mask on.
Diddy: Just do it! My swordfish will catch you!
Link: But I don't perform Leaps of Faith like you do.
Diddy: Link, just do it!
Link dives in.
Link gets saved by Enguarde.
Link: Sorry. I guess I'm just not used to swimming like you are.
Diddy: That's okay. The animal buddy is enough to keep you company.
Link: Okay, Diddy. You were a lot of help.
Diddy: Thank you.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 1.1
EPISODE 4.3
Link: Well, I think I better look for some other Linux characters to assist me just as you have found the
Linux mascot.
Tux: Let me guess: it's because you're having a bit of a trouble with Apple.
Link: Yes. They already sided with Sony because of their common enemy, and so I'm left with Linux. Now
that I see you two together, I should find some Linux friends. You stay at the fringe of this city until I get
back.
Diddy: Will do, Link.
Tux: Come, Diddy. We should make camp here.
Diddy: Obviously.
Diddy and Tux make camp at the water.
Tux: This is our spot, Diddy.
Diddy: I wonder what we're going to do while we're here.
Tux: Beats me.
Diddy: There really is not much to make fun of here.
Tux: I don't really think so.
Diddy: The best part of Elder Scrolls is that Bethesda never tells anyone what they're going to do. They
don't even give release dates.
Tux: Yep. That way, they spend a lot of time working in the dark and surprising the users.
Diddy: Yep. They're very successful that way.
Tux: Although certain things could be a little off, Diddy.
Diddy: True, Tux.
Tux: That was a ridiculously tall tower we climbed.
Diddy: One does not simply build into Mordor.
Tux: Yeah, you got that right, Diddy Kong.
Diddy: That tall tower was really huge.
Tux: So, Diddy. Are we going to explore the place?
Diddy: I guess we can do that.
Tux: Right.
Diddy: Let's have some fish, though.
Tux: Good idea.
Diddy and Tux have some fish with Enguarde.
Link arrives with the Mozilla Firefox.
Foxkeh arrives to greet Tux.
Tux gets out of the beach.
Foxkeh slaps Tux in the face.
Tux: What was that for?
Foxkeh: Racist Insult!
Tux: What did I just say?
Foxkeh: "And then you have me fetch it again like some drone dog!"
Tux: I'm sorry! I met no insult!
Foxkeh: Is that so?
Tux: It was a metaphor.
Foxkeh: Oh, I'm sorry! Canines cannot be as clever as simians.
Tux: Hey, you have to be thankful that Diddy Kong wears a Nintendo hat, remains Nintendo, and is
rebellious. Otherwise, he would be our Windows counterpart.
Foxkeh: Why?
Tux: Microsoft bought his original developers.
Firefox: Oh, that's right! Speaking of which, I think I followed your example.
Tux: Did you?
Foxkeh: A Linux canine just freed a Nintendo feline!
Timber shows up.
Diddy hugs Timber.
Diddy: Thank you so much for freeing this Separatist.
Foxkeh: Well, it seems like we actually have a team, you two.
Tux: Yes, and I have a target.
Foxkeh: Who?
Tux: Thief of 8-Bit Theatre.
Foxkeh: So, what is going to happen when iSony and Microsoft arrive?
Tux: Let's not worry about that if they both arrive simultaneously. If they arrive at the same time, the
first thing they would want to do is to have a dogfight.
Timber: What sort of a dogfight?
Tux: Warhawk vs. Crimson Skies and Freelancer.
Timber: I think that would be even more good news for us.
Tux: How so?
Timber: Those fights attract Fox McCloud and his wing creatures.
Tux: Interesting.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 1.2
The team works together in perfect harmony.
Diddy: Wait, so a Linux canine frees a Separatist feline.
Foxkeh: Yes.
Diddy: Well, Timber, how do you like your new friend?
Foxkeh: I like him a lot.
Diddy: Good.
Tux: I'll tell you what I could do with you both. It is obvious that you were inspired by us to team up.
Foxkeh: Yes.
Tux: You follow my lead and Timber can follow Diddy's lead.
Timber: Well, I think we both can do that.
Diddy: As you must know, we're Assassins. You can just hide or act cute.
Timber: Will do, my friend.
Diddy: Safety and peace to all of us.
Timber: Right.
Timber loads his Farsight.
Diddy: Good!
Timber acts as if he has picked up Diddy's super spy style tactics.
Foxkeh has picked up the skills of a ninja.
Link puts on some traditional Assassin clothing.
Diddy: You got inspired too, Link.
Link: I might as well do it anyway. It should be easier for me to defend.
Diddy: Why?
Link: My shield.
Diddy: Well of course, Link!
Link: Apparently, mimicking a monk seems to work around here.
Diddy: Makes sense.
Tux: The only place it wouldn't work where we have gone is BioShock, and even there is not safe for
Altair because he's a n00b that hates water.
Diddy: Enguarde made an embarrassment out of Altair.
Link: That's sad.
Diddy: It is.
Diddy, Tux, Timber, and Foxkeh all follow Link in a formation acting cute as Link mimics a scholar.
This has become their method of sneaking around town.
Diddy: Can't wait to see some action!
The team finds a Citizen.
The team silently kills the entire group.
Guard: Stop! You violated the law! Pay the court the fine or serve your sentence! Your stolen goods are
now forfeit!
Diddy: I think not! Everything's permitted!
The group exposes themselves.
Guard: Then pay with your blood!
The group find themselves to be attacked.
The group attempts to flee the guards with parkour.
Timber: So we flee by parkour?
Diddy: Yes! Follow my lead, tiger!
Timber: Will do, Diddy.
Diddy: The funny thing about us is that we don't need to be taught how to be acrobats.
Timber: Of course! I'm feline and you're a monkey! It's in our blood!
Diddy: Yes!
Timber: What about our Linux counterparts?
Diddy: They're ninjas. That should explain them.
Timber: Interesting.
Diddy: It's nice to see a Separatist for a change. Promise me you'll help us both solve the mystery of Rare
Relics.
Timber: Will do, Diddy.
Diddy and Tux jump into the water.
Timber and Foxkeh attempt to vanish with ordinary cats and dogs.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 1.3
Link jumps into a haystack.
The guards attempt to find them, but could not find them.
Guard: Enough of this! I have better things to do!
Guards leave the place.
The group explores some more for some civilians to save.
Link: I'm still expecting some Mass Effect references here.
Diddy: Because both are similar genres in game play?
Link: And they have other quality similarities.
Diddy: Such as what?
The adoring fan shows up.
Diddy: Adoring fans?
Link: They're annoying, but it's what you can do with them to make them funny.
Adoring Fan: Oh, hello! Is this the hero of Cyrodiil?
Link: Yes.
Adoring Fan: Such cute companions you have picked up.
Adoring Fan pets all four of them.
Diddy: Well, thank you.
Adoring Fan tortures Diddy with harsh belly pokes.
Diddy gets annoyed.
Diddy: Okay, I don't know what that was all about.
Adoring Fan: Sorry! It's just that your belly button sticks out so far in such a cute manner that I couldn't
resist.
Diddy: (annoyed) Yes, I get that a lot. Would you please stop that? Nobody likes you, not even Elder
Scrolls fans. Get lost, annoying bugger! You’re worse than Clippy.
Adoring Fan continues to tickle Diddy's belly button.
Diddy: (attempting to pull his shirt down) Why don't you go get my friend, Tux? He's jealous.
Adoring Fan: Sure thing!
Adoring Fan tickles Tux a bit lightly.
Tux: You can do better than that.
Adoring Fan tickles Tux.
Both mimic Cookie the Little Penguin video.
Diddy: Well done, Tux at mimicking a viral video.
Tux: I’m starting to learn how to be intentionally cute, Diddy.
Timber: The difference is that your friend has a belly button.
Diddy: Of course! That's why I'm training him to become the creature we once were.
Timber: I can see your logic.
Diddy: Yes. Now remember, you don't have to imitate us. Just be yourself.
Timber: I can do that.
Adoring Fan leaves Tux.
Tux: Well, goodbye, adoring fan.
Diddy: Well, the adoring fan can get me annoyed a few times.
Timber: It's not my fault your belly button sticks out all the time.
Diddy: Whatever!
Link: Well, just come with me and we'll save some more citizens.
Timber: If there is any Spartan, let's stab him silently.
Monguin: This is way better than just a single Assassin trying to take down multiple guards at once. With
the team like that, they could all get assassinated at once.
Timber: I wonder if I could have a hidden blade.
Diddy: I can recruit you if you like.
Timber: That would be really nice.
Diddy: But only after we defeat Alec Trevelyan.
Timber: When would that be, Diddy?
Diddy: I don't know yet.
Timber: It's great to be reunited once again, Diddy Kong.
Tux: Yes.
Link: Well, this should be helpful as iSony and Microsoft would be contesting over this place.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 1.4
Diddy: True that.
The group explores the territory a little more.
Link continues to mimic a scholar while completely surrounded by cuteness overload provided by Diddy,
Tux, Foxkeh, and Timber.
Diddy: This is a good group.
Tux: Kind of deadly don't you think?
Diddy: The only thing we need right now is Yoshi!
Tux: Right, the land counterpart of Enguarde.
Diddy: Um, wouldn’t that be Rambi?
Tux: Nah, Yoshi is cuter.
Diddy: I don’t think you would want Yoshi for a friend. He eats too much and makes too much of a mess.
Tux: (assassinated an Imperial Guard) Do you know what? I also miss my katana.
Diddy: Poor you! Being stuck with a scimitar and an Arabian shortblade.
Tux: And not a couple of really nice katanas that are really deadly.
Diddy: True that, Tux.
Tux: So fast, yet so powerful!
Diddy: You're not alone! I'm still waiting to get my anti-armor popguns back.
Timber: Wait, so what happened to you?
Diddy: Tux was held responsible for the deaths of many Hiigarans and so he was stripped of his
possessions and ranks until he finishes the task we're currently on right now.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 2.1
Timber: And I suspect that you’re going on for the ride?
Diddy: Yes. You see? My devotion to the Assassin Order hasn’t been recognized yet.
Timber: Interesting.
Diddy: Yes!
Tux: Still waiting to get my katana back.
Timber: Well, I hope Tux gets back his lost honor.
Diddy: I’m afraid that might never happen.
Timber: Aww. Linux is our best chance to teach Microsoft a lesson.
Diddy: Yes, as soon as he recognizes our lost talent and makes a clone off of one of our games, let’s say,
Diddy Kong Racing, he might pick up some attention.
Tux: Unless if the clone becomes a flop. Honestly, I’m not sure I could live up to your quality.
Diddy: With hard work, you will.
Timber: You see? That’s the problem with movies and games nowadays. No more hard work. No more
effort. It’s just simply cookie cutter.
Diddy: Yes. What do you call this series?
Timber: Comedy making fun of such things?
Diddy: Sure.
Foxkeh: I can assure you that I’m a pretty good fighter, considering Mozilla Firefox is a whole lot better
than Internet Explorer.
Timber: True that.
Link: Yeah, with Rareware gone, Nintendo has been given me a bit too much attention.
Diddy: True that.
Link: Well, I think we can just simply save some more citizens.
Diddy: Wait!
Diddy and Tux spot a Spartan.
Tux: Pwnage!
Foxkeh: You took my kill!
Tux: You goofy!
Link: Wait, so you assassinate the Spartans?
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 2.2
Tux: Yes. Unfortunately, I can never see their faces.
Link: Interesting. Why bother looking behind the masks?
Tux: Because one of the Spartans ceased fire on me.
Link: Interesting. Why would he do that?
Tux: Maybe because he’s not a loyal subject.
Link: Why not?
Tux: I don’t know. I did see a Rare logo on his shoulder. Many Spartans of such affiliation had ceased fire
on me.
Diddy and Timber laugh.
Link: What was this Spartan like?
Tux: Well, it seems like he was sent to investigate Linux. I was sent to assassinate him.
Link: Then what did you do?
Tux: I chased him. When I landed on him, I felt sorry for him because he did in fact ceased fire on me. I
took a look to see what was the matter with him before seeing that strange looking “R” on his shoulder.
Link: Then what did you do?
Tux: The right question was what did HE do? He tickled my tummy to see if I reminded anyone he knew
in his past.
Link: Sounds like you didn’t know which Spartan you encountered.
Tux: Hey, Rareware is not anywhere nearly as loyal as Ensemble Studios or Bungee. Now Bungee’s
Spartans are loyal.
Timber: Figures.
Foxkeh: So, what happened?
Tux: I got a call from Gabriel Angelos.
Foxkeh: What was the call about?
Tux: He gave me coordinates to the treasure I still don’t understand.
Foxkeh: At Diddy’s island?
Tux: Yes. The Spartan saw the location and got real excited. He told me to look up the company in the
90’s.
Foxkeh: Were you surprised?
Tux: At first, I never believed that such a mediocre company was once legendary until I looked it up. The
Donkey Kong franchise surprised me.
Foxkeh: Interesting. That Spartan knew Diddy Kong.
Timber: Must be one of us.
Tux: Separatists? I would think so. I mean not every Spartan is a loyal subject. They never volunteer to
do what they do. They were merely forced into training to become who they are.
Timber: I wonder if that Spartan is someone Diddy and I know.
Tux: Until we see that Spartan again, it will remain a mystery.
Link: I feel sorry for whoever Spartan you almost accidently killed.
Tux: It’s what scares me.
Diddy: And now we’re together as partners.
Link: Well, I think we got to keep moving.
Diddy: What?
Link: I just got a call from McCloud. He said “hello” to me as if he’s in orbit of this planet.
Diddy: I guess that means that iSony and Microsoft are in orbit dogfighting with McCloud and his crew in
the neutral zone.
Link: I’ll tell him that I’m here with Diddy, Tux, and their respective old friends.
Tux: Brotherhood. We might as well become the emerging third side.
Link: Follow me. We might need as many allies we can get our hands on.
Link saves some citizens with the group.
Diddy saves a Citizen.
Tux saves a Citizen.
Timber saves a Citizen.
Foxkeh saves a Citizen.
The citizens thank those that save them.
Clippy: Notice that by saving citizens, you do more than to unlock investigation missions. You also help
gain favor from the community and therefore get vigilantes.
Diddy and Tux find a couple of guards to assassinate.
Foxkeh and Timber beat them to the guards.
They unravel suspicion and Diddy and Tux move in to save them.
Tux: You took our kill. The whole point of acting undercover is to not let the enemy know what you’re
doing.
Foxkeh: Sorry.
Tux: You’re a fox! Act cunning!
Foxkeh: I’m sorry! I’ve been worried about trying to free run like the other three.
Tux: Well, practice.
Foxkeh: Why have our Separatists been able to do it well?
Diddy: Well, I’m a monkey and he’s a feline.
Foxkeh: Okay.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 2.3
Tux: Well, I’m tired.
Timber: Well, where can we go back to?
Diddy: How about you go with us back to our campsite?
Timber: Where is that?
Diddy: Follow us.
Timber and Foxkeh follow Diddy and Tux respectively.
They follow close behind watching out for any Spartan.
Diddy: Don’t you worry.
Tux: It will be a while before the Spartans show up. By that time, I hope that they will be few in numbers
and already fighting iSony.
Diddy: If McCloud does his part trying to keep it an even fight.
Tux inserts facepalm.
Timber: What?
Diddy: Weird things occur when you deal with a fictional archetype that hasn’t been used for a while. In
this case, three-sided wars and battles, or rather, two sided battles with middle ground, and we’re the
middle ground.
Timber: So, McCloud is trying to keep an even fight.
Tux: Between his Playstation and Microsoft counterparts, yes.
Timber: I’ve heard about the Playstation counterparts, Warhawk, but what about the Microsoft
counterparts?
Tux: Crimson Skies. Freelancer counts as well, but that’s PC, not Xbox.
Diddy: You should have seen them as Spartans!
Timber: I believe I was kidnapped by that sort.
Diddy: Oh, that’s right. That team was with the dataDynes on Nintendo.
Timber: Nice to see a Separatist.
Diddy: True that.
Diddy and Tux dive into the water with Timber and Foxkeh.
Timber sees Enguarde.
Timber: Well, hello there, old buddy! Still hanging around with our beloved mentor?
Diddy: Yeah, he’s quite clever, and cheap too often times.
Tux: One time, we’re in a parodied version of a Halo multiplayer match and there was this shallow part
of the map that separated the Covenant base from the UNSC base and Enguarde just keeps destroying
every tank that tries to cross that stupid shoreline.
Timber: Interesting. What about the Pelicans?
Tux: That’s been tried too, but we leashed a cable to Enguarde, flew to the Pelicans, and yanked them
down to crash and drown.
Timber: With your jetpacks?
Tux: Yes!
Timber: That’s funny. So, I’ve heard you’re on an assassination mission.
Tux: One of the nine. After this target, I’m not sure where we’re going to next.
Timber: What have you killed before as Assassins?
Tux: Black Mage and Fighter, two of the Light Warriors, and Wizpig, Mr. Blonde, and Baron Samedi, the
Rareware loyalists.
Timber: So, what are you onto now?
Tux: Another Light Warrior named Thief.
Timber: Did you gather any useful information?
Tux: No, not quite. I did however raise some serious concerns.
Timber: Like what?
Tux: What do they want with us personally?
Timber: I don’t know. I’ve heard stories about Rex Chance from Impossible Creatures and his buddies
from Abstergo.
Tux: Interesting. What did they say?
Timber: Well, I’ve heard some biological mumble jumbo. I did not really know what it was about.
Diddy: Monguins!
Timber: What?
Diddy: I feel like it’s something you should know about.
Timber: What is a monguin?
Diddy: Monkey penguin hybrid. It’s what unites us with Linux.
Timber: Interesting.
Diddy: I could not really understand why we’re selected to introduce the concept. I guess I resemble
penguins more than any other monkey. Maybe that’s why.
Timber: I think you mentioned that back at your island.
Diddy: Well, give me a hug.
Diddy hugs Timber.
Diddy: It’s really great to see you again. We’re a family now.
Timber: What about Gabriel Angelos?
Tux: I’m having a terrible feeling about Gabriel Angelos. You see, that’s another thing. Rare Relics.
Timber: Interesting.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 2.4
Microsoft arrives at a remote section of the island.
iSony deploys their forces.
Timber: Ship!
Tux: Stay together!
Link: He’s right! We’re a team!
Diddy: Well, I’m going to send the Star Fox team the coordinates.
Diddy gets his Android phone.
Diddy: Hello. Fox McCloud.
Fox: (COM) Hello, Diddy. What are you doing here?
Diddy: We need to form an alliance.
Fox: Why?
Diddy: We need a mega repair on the morale that was greatly reduced and challenged back at BioShock
and Total War.
Fox: Interesting. I’ll be over there, Diddy. The Hiigarans are under attack as well.
Diddy: Well, I guess you can keep them occupied. Stop the other fleets from deploying the forces.
Fox: How about I’ll provide you with whatever air support you need.
Diddy: Thank you.
Diddy links his Android with Fox.
Timber: Interesting that Fox should be here.
Diddy: Well, if we stick together, we’ll be fine.
Diddy and Tux move with the unison.
Link: This is awesome!
Diddy: That’s because we’re nearing the end of Season 2!
Tux: In other words, we’re preparing for a series of plot twists that will occur in Season 3.
Diddy and Tux form a band with Link, Timber, and Foxkeh.
The group spots a citizen to save.
They all silently kill the guards with surprise.
Guard: Stop! You violated the law! Pay the court the fine or serve your sentence! Your stolen goods are
now forfeit!
Diddy and Tux attack the Guard.
Guard: Then pay with your blood!
Diddy and Tux fight off the guards with Link.
Diddy: You know what? The funniest thing about Assassin’s Creed 2 is that the guards are absolute
morons!
Tux: Really?
Diddy: They attack one by one, never all at once. It’s like they’re just waiting to be countered.
Tux: That’s funny, Diddy.
Diddy: It is.
Tux: Interesting.
Diddy: Yes!
The guards are finished.
Diddy: Well, let’s go and save another citizen.
Timber: You two are so amazing together.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 3.1
Diddy and Tux: (together) Thanks!
Timber: Well, you both got adorable belly buttons. What about us?
Diddy: What?
Timber: What about Foxkeh and me?
Diddy: You want to be friends with Foxkeh, don't you?
Timber: There are two portions of the bargain: first, your activities as the monkey/penguin duo, and
second, Foxkeh freed me from imprisonment. I owe all of you my debt.
Diddy: Interesting.
Timber: Well, any ideas for us?
Diddy: Act like a cute puppy and a kitty cat. That's what I would do.
Timber: You mean that I should be chasing around lasers and what not?
Diddy: In a nutshell, yes.
Timber: I'll do that. I'll be like a kitty cat.
Timber attempts to enter a group of guards, purring.
Foxkeh follows Timber with a wagging tail licking faces.
Diddy and Tux step in rolling on their backs exposing their belly buttons.
Link: Cute!
With great surprise, they all defeated the guards and saved a citizen.
The group walks off as if nothing ever happened.
A guard shows up.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 3.2
Guard: Stop! You've violated the law! Pay the court the fine or serve your sentence. Your stolen goods
are now forfeit.
Diddy: Oh, guns. Are they going to do that every time before getting us exposed?
Link engages.
Guard: Then pay with your blood!
The guards once again attempt to attack the group the way the guards in Assassin's Creed do it.
Diddy: These guys are morons!
Tux: You think?
Diddy and Tux run back to the river outside the city.
Tux: Don't you just love that?
Diddy: Whenever there's trouble, we can always escape into the water.
Tux: Yep. It seems to work every time!
Diddy: Yeah, it works every time in Assassin's Creed 2 as well.
Tux: Weird. Those guards are so stupid!
Diddy: Yep.
Tux: Where do we go from here?
Diddy: Another citizen perhaps?
Tux: Actually, I think we have a Spartan to encounter.
Diddy and Tux explore the other territories around Cyrodiil.
Diddy: This is a beautiful place to visit.
Tux: You think?
Diddy: Yeah. These places really do remind me of Italy.
Tux: What about your island?
Diddy: Probably as beautiful, but in a different way.
Tux: Interesting.
Diddy: Snow is gorgeous as well.
Tux: I want to explore the thief places.
Diddy: Good idea.
Diddy and Tux explore the territories.
The scenery is gorgeous.
Diddy: everything is pretty around here.
Foxkeh and Timber show up.
They look cute in the grass.
Diddy: So, Timber.
Timber: Yes, friend.
Diddy: Well, I could be exploring the last few places.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 3.3
Timber: Sure thing!
The group sees another citizen to save.
Tux: Take that you guard!
Tux attacks the guards.
Tux emerges victorious once again.
Guard: Stop! You violated the Law! Pay the —
Tux stabs the guard.
Tux: Shut up!
Diddy: Too much hesitation?
Tux: Yes.
Again, the adoring fan shows up.
Again, the adoring fan pets the group.
Diddy: You're going to poke my belly again?
Adoring Fan: Maybe you can teach me how to be as awesome as you.
Diddy: Excuse me. I have a Spartan to hunt down.
Diddy and Tux attempt to attack a Spartan.
Diddy and Tux act cute.
Adoring Fan: Cute tummy!
Diddy: *Shh (shoots Adoring Fan)
Diddy and Tux swiftly pwn the Spartan.
Timber: Wow! You both took your hatred towards the Spartans very easily.
The group rides with Link.
Link sees a whole line of citizens carrying the baskets.
Link runs right over the citizens.
The citizens writhe in pain.
It was actually hilarious the way it happened.
Diddy: Poor guys.
Link: Yeah, I like being a jerk every once in a while.
Diddy: Sure!
Link: Yeah, I got to escape the adoring fan.
Diddy: True that.
Timber tickles Diddy's belly button.
Diddy: You're going to do that to me all the time?
Timber: I couldn't help it, Diddy Kong.
Diddy: I get the tummy rubs. You get the purrs.
Timber purrs.
Foxkeh licks off Timber.
Link: Why the cuteness overload?
Diddy: That's the nature of our kind, Link.
Link: True that.
Tux gets tickled.
Tux: Great! I'm going to get tickled as well?
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.3
Chapter 3.4
Link: Yes.
Diddy: Well, it's been fun fighting with you.
Link: True that.
Diddy: Yes.
Link: Well, I guess we have one more citizen to save.
Diddy: Yes! Let's save several more!
The group attacks the guards harassing the citizen.
Guard: Heretic!
Citizen: Let me go!
Guard: Die thief!
Citizen: What have I done wrong?
Diddy and Tux step in to save the citizen.
After attacking the guards, Diddy and Tux move in to talk to the citizen.
Clippy: You must be anonymous to talk to the citizen.
Diddy: Well of course!
Tux: Where is the guard?
Diddy and Tux look up to see the guard.
Diddy shoots the archer on the roof.
They become anonymous yet once again.
Citizen: Thank you! The entire city will know of your sacrifice!
Diddy: Well, I think we have finished our task.
Tux: Well, let's go exploring some more.
Diddy and Tux go hiking in the grass.
They also decide to swim and to treat the water as their highway.
Link: Go ahead.
Diddy and Tux swim through the seas to explore some territory.
Diddy: It's a sad thing that swimming doesn't do much in Oblivion.
Tux: Sad thing.
Diddy and Tux pop their heads out of the water to see a Call of Duty fight going on.
Diddy: Well, let's just stay out of the fighting zone.
Enguarde rubs his head against Diddy and Tux.
Diddy: Enguarde, you're going to bug us again?
Tux: They enter the sea, it's death trap for them!
Diddy: (laughs) Very funny, Tux.
A few Native cavalrymen approach to attempt to protect the lands.
They attempt to protect the land.
Diddy: So, should we help out with these guys?
Tux: Might as well gain their trust.
Diddy: Sure thing.
Diddy and Tux assist the guards.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 1.1
EPISODE 4.4
Monguin: Interesting.
Mickey Monguin: So, how does a three way battle work?
Monguin: Usually, each team is split into two sections.
Mickey Monguin: One army goes one direction and the other army goes the other direction.
Monguin: Well, I can see where this is going.
Mickey Monguin: Diddy and Tux are among the emerging third side.
Monguin: Interesting. It is going to be a fair fight between the three sides.
Mickey Monguin: I noticed that Nintendo and Microsoft have Rareware, and Nintendo and Sony have
Square Enix.
Monguin: And Sony and Microsoft have a lot of everything else, such as this world we're in right now,
and many of the hard core games out there.
Mickey Monguin: Don't forget that all three sides are going to have Relic factions as well.
Monguin: We already know Vaygr are going to side with iSony.
Mickey Monguin: Yes, but I'm not sure about who the Hiigarans would side with.
Monguin: What makes you say that?
Mickey Monguin: They might betray us.
Monguin: We already have the Blizzard factions all figured out.
Mickey Monguin: Terran Faction had the Humans and the Night elves, or Drow.
Monguin: Belongs to Microsoft.
Mickey Monguin: We have the Protoss, the good Night Elves, and the Good Orcs, along with the
Murlocks.
Monguin: Yes.
Mickey Monguin: And the evil Orcs, the Undead, and the Zerg belong to the iSony.
Monguin: Interesting.
Mickey Monguin: All three sides are going to be roughly associated with Assassin's Creed.
Monguin: iSony: the Pieces of Eden.
Mickey Monguin: Microsoft, the Templars.
Monguin: Our side, the Assassins.
Mickey Monguin: Well, that would be fun.
Monguin: I'm not sure how the Microprose factions are going to be divided, though.
Mickey Monguin: The best part of the series is that it praises the underrated games for the most part.
Monguin: Some of these games I never even heard of.
Mickey Monguin: Where's Spyro? I want to see him!
Monguin: Part of the iSony forces, I presume?
Mickey Monguin: Whatever.
Monguin: Yep! You know what this is like?
Mickey Monguin: What?
Monguin: This is like The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.
Mickey Monguin: True that, brother, except with an actual storyline.
Monguin: And characters actually fight in teams.
Mickey Monguin: I believe this series was inspired by that.
Monguin: Just like we as monguins were inspired by an idea of Diddy Kong's possible half penguin
descendant.
Mickey Monguin: And Tux encouraged the development a little more?
Monguin: Yes. That's what our genetic relationship with Diddy and Tux represents.
Mickey Monguin: Yeah, for some reason, they feel really close to us.
Monguin: How can they not be? No other monkey or penguin has ever come close to establish that
harmony as Diddy and Tux. They mentioned that when they first met each other.
Mickey Monguin: And now they're assassins.
Monguin: That was deductive reasoning, not inductive reasoning.
Mickey Monguin: So, smart comedy is the premise here.
Monguin: If it was stupid comedy, it would be practically an insult.
Mickey Monguin: Yeah, but isn't this a series an insult to Microsoft lovers?
Monguin: Yeah, you got a good point there, brother.
Mickey Monguin: Well, I think we will be able to take down this Thief guy.
Monguin: I'm having a feeling they're going to show up from right behind us and we're going to counter
him like Ezio did to the Stalkers.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 1.2
Mickey Monguin: Last time I checked, thieves steal. Assassins kill. That's the difference between the
two.
Monguin: Good point. Thief would rather pickpocket us than to assassinate us.
Mickey Monguin: Well, let's go finish this ridiculous memory block!
Clippy: Memory Complete.
Memory loads.
Diddy and Tux are there with Timber and Foxkeh.
Timber: So, what are you up to lately?
Diddy: We need to do some investigations.
Tux: We have to eavesdrop, pickpocket, or interrogate.
Foxkeh: Sounds like dirty work.
Tux: It is, but that's just the way things get done.
Timber: Very interesting.
Tux: So, I think—
A couple of guards show up.
Guard: Stop! You violated the law. Pay the—
Tux punches the guards.
Diddy assists in the fight.
Timber: Diddy? Tux?
Foxkeh: Yeah, they do that all the time.
Diddy and Tux defeated the guards.
Diddy: n00bs!
Tux: For sure.
Diddy and Tux encounter another pickpocket mission.
Diddy: What do you think?
Tux: Pickpocket.
Clippy: Memory Reinitializing...
Guard: So, what is Thief inviting me to?
Elf: It is an execution.
Guard: Are you sure?
Elf: He is holding a trial.
Guard: What sort of authority does he seem to claim?
Elf: This city belongs to the iSony.
Guard: You sure of it?
Elf: Yes.
Guard: Whatever.
Elf: Now, see to this invitation, that it may direct you to the event.
Guard: Right away.
Diddy and Tux follow from behind the guard.
Diddy: Why would a guard assist the thief?
Tux: I don't know.
Diddy: Imperial Legion?
Tux: Could be.
Diddy and Tux follow the Guard from close behind.
Foxkeh: What are you two doing?
Diddy: Quiet! We're trying to pickpocket this guy.
Foxkeh: Sorry.
Diddy and Tux keep moving forward.
With great success, Diddy and Tux pickpocket the guard and run away.
Diddy: Yes!
Tux: We got it!
Diddy: Now, let's see what it says...
Attention Citizens:
This is Thief reporting.
I am calling all on behalf of the execution of Gorli, Zultar, and Fathi Haidar.
A meeting is to be held in the arena.
I wish that many will be there.
Signed...
Thief
Diddy: Who are those guys?
Tux: I don't know.
Timber: Gorli is from Skyrim. Zultar is one of us, one of the Separatists, and I don't know who Fathi
Haidar is.
Tux: Assassin!
Diddy: Interesting.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 1.3
Tux: Ooh!
Timber: What?
Tux: Spartan!
Diddy and Tux attempt to sneak up on the Spartan.
They do so with great success.
Diddy: Pwnage!
Tux: Yes!
Timber: Interesting. So, Tux, you developed hatred for these guys.
Tux: Unlike creatures like you, Timber, I'm actually an enemy of Microsoft. I'm not affiliated with such at
all.
Timber: I thought you compete against Windows.
Tux: Windows, Xbox, Spartans, they're all the same!
Timber: Great! The only thing we need is for one decent half of Square Enix on our side along with some
of Rareware, and that way, we would be even.
Tux: Why?
Timber: Because you do realize how many games are released for Playstation and for Xbox, but not for
Nintendo?
Diddy: Yes, that makes sense. Apparently, members of such have been pretty much our assassination
targets lately. We assassinated two Light Warriors along with three iconic Rareware characters, and are
now onto another light warrior.
Foxkeh: Light Warriors? You mean like in the 8-Bit Theatre?
Diddy: That's right!
Foxkeh: Mozilla Firefox: our side.
Timber: Really slow Internet Explorer and Xbox Live: Microsoft.
Tux: Safari: iSony.
Timber: Apple Inc.?
Diddy: Yes! When we sided with Crash Bandicoot because of the three sided war business, we saw him
with an iPhone.
Timber: So says the others. I was going to get an iPhone, but your friendship with the Linux Mascot
changed my mind.
Foxkeh: So, the iSonys are like the ones that have a MacBook, a Playstation 3, a Playstation Portable,
and an iPhone and get satisfied with what they have.
Diddy: Come to think about it, they do have some shocking similarities.
Foxkeh: They do have control over the movie realm by the way.
Tux: Right. Sony has Blu Rays, a pinnacle in the history of film making, and Apple made iPods, a pinnacle
in the history of music recording.
Foxkeh: Yep. I could say this could be interesting.
Diddy and Tux move in for another pickpocket mission.
Guard: Orders from Thief.
Elf: What sort of orders?
Guard: Thief wants the meeting to come well and smooth.
Elf: What does he want us to do?
Guard: We need to dispatch the archers in their proper locations.
Elf: Okay. Do you know where?
Guard: This map should do the trick.
Elf: Okay.
Guard: Tread carefully. I suspect the Separatists might be watching.
Elf leaves Guard.
Diddy and Tux follow Elf from close behind.
They move in closer...
And closer...
And closer...
Until they acquire the map.
Diddy: I got it!
Tux: Archers, and guards as well!
Diddy: Rooftops is our best bet.
Tux: Will do, Diddy.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 1.4
Diddy and Tux approach a Herald.
Herald's speech
Attention citizens of Cyrodiil.
I bring you warning, that Skyrim is brutal and vicious.
They are rebels, fierce warriors.
You dare question the mighty Elf of Final Fantasy?
You will regret it.
Thief will execute you, as he does to many others.
Respect authority, and there will be peace.
The Herald wonders off.
Diddy: Just passing along!
Tux: Yes!
Diddy: So, what does this guy have to say?
Tux: I don't know.
Diddy: Skyrim reference?
Tux: Why the Separatists?
Diddy: Because this is a reference to Oblivion, one of the games released with Xbox 360 along with a
horrible Rareware prequel.
Tux: That makes sense!
Diddy and Tux approach the herald.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 2.1
Clippy: Round 1! Fight!
Diddy and Tux fight the Herald.
They trade punches and start combating on the dude.
The Herald seems to be pretty good.
The Herald blocks punches.
As a result, Diddy and Tux have to fight hard on this guy.
Tux: Why so hard of a hitter?
Diddy: I don't know.
Tux: He was reading from his written script.
Diddy: I had noticed that!
Diddy and Tux finish off the Herald.
Clippy: Round 2... Fight!
Diddy and Tux continue fighting off the Herald.
Tux: I wonder why.
Diddy: He looks a bit of a monk.
Tux: Well, that's the strange thing about several scenarios.
Diddy: What?
Tux: Combining Catholic monks with Asian monks? That's probably what it looks like right here.
Diddy: That makes sense, because it is fantasy after all!
Diddy and Tux finally defeat the Herald.
Clippy: KO!
Herald: Stop! Okay! Don't hurt me anymore!
Tux: What? You're afraid of us now?
Herald: Well, I underestimated your talent! You're so cute I couldn't help myself.
Tux: Nevertheless, you seem pretty good compared to the other Heralds I engage in a fist fight.
Herald: Yeah, we seem to have complimented each other's fighting ability.
Tux: Now, you must tell me about Thief. How is it that you gotten good at martial arts?
Herald: He trains the monks and scholars in hand to hand combat. It helps clear their minds.
Tux: What else?
Herald: Thief is a stealth warrior, like one of the Assassins being held prisoner. He knows them very well.
Tux: What else? What does he plan?
Herald: I told you all I know!
Tux: Is that all?
Herald: Well, he's a Ninja.
Tux: Is that it?
Herald: I did tell you all I know.
Tux: Then it's time for you to rest.
Tux stabs the Herald.
Diddy: Requiescat in pace.
Timber looks at Diddy.
Timber: You must have played Assassin's Creed a lot!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 2.2
Diddy: I love Ezio! I love Assassin's Creed 2!
Timber: Interesting! Why?
Diddy: Because he's a cute human!
Timber: Weird!
Diddy: Yep.
Tux: So, What did the monk say?
Diddy: Basically, he's a ninja.
Tux: Ship! That probably means that he has very similar skills to what I have.
Timber: But how did the Thief gain authority?
Tux: Maybe out of skill. They feared him, it seems like.
Timber: Threats!
Tux: Yes.
Diddy: So, off to another Spartan?
Tux: Might as well, Diddy.
Foxkeh: Another Spartan?
Tux: Yes!
Foxkeh: Where do these Spartans come from?
Tux: They're all over the places, especially in the strategy games, which play best on Windows.
Diddy: I think I spot another Spartan!
Diddy and Tux assassinate another Spartan.
Tux: Yes!
Diddy and Tux eavesdrop some more.
Elven Wizard: I wonder why Thief is pretending to be our leader.
Elven Archer: I don't know.
Elven Wizard: Yes, do you see the order?
Elven Archer: I heard of it.
Elven Wizard: Another execution?
Elven Archer: So much death!
Elven Wizard: And for what?
Elven Archer: Maybe iSony can return to this world, or one of our natives rise up to take possession of
the throne.
Elven Wizard: Yes! There can actually be justice done!
Elven Archer: Yes! I don't think however, that Thief acted alone.
Elven Wizard: Do you think someone else was behind this?
Elven Archer: Thief is part of a group called the Light Warriors. I believe the dealings with Fighter and
Black Mage had something to do with it.
Elven Wizard: Well, be careful about it. We cannot let the guards hear us. If they do, we would be
charged for treason.
Clippy: Memory complete.
Tux: Something about the Light Warriors.
Diddy: Very obvious.
Tux: They don't like this guy.
Diddy: This guy sounds like a bully!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 2.3
Diddy and Tux leave the eavesdrop mission.
Tux: Well, where to?
Diddy: Out into the beach.
Tux: Why?
Diddy: Separatist challenge.
Tux: Interesting.
A Maian shows up.
Maian: Word has reached of our new progress and our unity. Here are some old boats. I hope I had
them repaired. They should be handy in a race. As a sniper, I could tell you about Thief. I challenge you
to a race.
The Maian has a hover bike.
Diddy and Tux head forward towards the river below.
Diddy: You would have to ride Enguarde for this one.
Tux: Really?
Diddy: Sorry. These boats are still compatible with Windows.
Timber: We might be able to beat you, stranger.
Tux: Whatever. Well, let's just do this.
Diddy and Tux ride with Timber and race the Maian around the city.
Tux: I feel weird!
Diddy: You get first place and you get information.
Tux: Deal!
Tux feels lonely, as if he's the only character racing not associated with Rareware, and he's riding
Enguarde.
Tux: Well, good to be with the Separatists.
Diddy: Yes, very good.
After several laps, Tux finally beaten the others.
Maian: How do you feel?
Tux: Awkward!
Maian: That's okay. Here's what I know. Thief is a Ninja.
Tux: Yes, we know that.
Maian: He has very similar training that you have. Attacking him would not be easy. Plan your tactics
carefully, for he possesses very similar skills.
Tux: In other words, We would be fighting fire with fire.
Maian: Exactly.
Tux: Well, this should be interesting.
Maian: My suggestion is that you use eagle vision and try to find a trait that you have that he doesn't
have.
Tux: Like what?
Maian: Can you think of something?
Tux: No.
Maian: Anything?
Tux: Our charm, a team! Friends that we trust!
Maian: Exactly.
Tux: With thanks, Separatist!
Maian: On you as well.
Memory has been updated.
Tux: You guys are surprisingly nice to us.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 2.4
Diddy: We don't like Microsoft.
Tux: True! Very true!
Diddy and Tux have another eavesdrop.
Citizen Male: Well, what's the trouble?
Citizen Female: Thief is full of himself.
Citizen Male: I've heard!
Citizen Female: He's like a bully!
Male: For sure. The bully does whatever he feels like doing.
Female: He just robs the place like it's nobody's business.
Male: Somebody must stand up to him.
Female: Perhaps.
Male: He also enjoys killing innocent civilians.
Female: Yep. Those evil methods! He's a jerk!
Male: Well, I want to see if I can talk to someone, someone who has the courage to stand up to him.
Female: Will you do that?
Male: I will.
Memory gets updated.
Diddy: It looks like we have completed our task.
Tux: Yes.
An arrangement of Nintendo characters arrive.
Diddy: Well, this should be good.
Tux: Yes!
A battle between Microsoft and iSony emerges.
Diddy and Tux happen to be caught in the middle.
Diddy: Now, this is where it gets really fun!
Tux: For sure!
Timber: I think I made a portal to the Mushroom Kingdom. Several Yoshis will be here.
Tux: Good.
On one side, they see the Playstation exclusives with their catapults and slings.
Jak: Ready the Catapults!
On the other side, they see some Scorpion tanks.
Spartan: Ready the cannons!
It functions like an open fire.
Diddy: Stay calm, you guys.
Timber: This is exciting.
Tux: I don't know why we're doing this anyway.
Timber: I don't know, either.
iSonys fling the Angry Birds against the UNSC.
Commander: Look out!
Daxter: Ready!
Another load of Angry Birds gets launched.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 3.1
The Microsoft and iSony characters engage in an open battle.
Jak and Daxter: Charge!
Diddy: And so the war continues.
Tux: With us as the emerging third side.
Fox: No frigate duh!
Tux: You all right up there?
Fox: I’m trying to install Linux on my aircraft.
Tux: Try the Linux operating systems NASA uses in real life. That should help you.
Fox: Whatever, Tux. I have a couple of your androids functioning as those prehistoric astromech droids.
Tux: Good. Watch it there!
Fox: No kidding! The Warhawk characters are aided by some of the iPhone dogfighting apps.
Tux: Weird.
Fox: The worst part is someone kept rapping in the mike.
Peppy: (COM, singing) Barrel Roll Barrel Roll Do the Barrel Barrel Roll.
Fox: Peppy, shut up!
Tux: Whatever!
Link: Take cover!
Diddy: No Kidding!
Diddy and Tux find themselves in a heap of battle.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 3.2
They both had to be encountered by the Angry Birds.
Diddy: If only the entire Nintendo/Linux cast were here with us.
Tux: Yeah, that would make it a lot easier, but hey, at least we’re assassins!
Diddy: Really?
Tux: Yes.
Diddy: That could mean we don’t have to fight.
Link: Wait, what?
Tux: Yes.
Link: How is being an assassin an excuse NOT to kill?
Tux: One word: tactics. Apparently, assassins don’t engage in straight fights all that much.
Link: So, how do they kill?
Tux: Entirely by surprise, and they kill targeted political figures.
Link: Interesting.
Diddy: And it seems like our next target has the same skills we do.
Link: Really?
Tux: Yes. We’ve been with the Brotherhood of Assassins for a while.
Link: You two are very weird!
Diddy: Well at least our friendship is inspiring Linux to unite with Nintendo and the Rareware
Separatists.
Link: And the Loyalists are on Microsoft’s side?
Diddy: Yes.
Link: Interesting.
Diddy: I seriously wished Altair were here.
Link: Why?
Diddy: According to what I’ve heard from him, he suffered the same problem we’re facing.
Link: Being caught in neutral ground?
Diddy: Yes. He fought both the Crusades and the Jihads as the middle ground.
Link: Interesting.
Tux: Well, I think we got to go back to the bureau.
Timber: You what?
Tux: We got to head back to the bureau and discuss our target.
Timber: But the war!
Diddy: iSony and Microsoft do not know about our alliance yet. Let’s keep this battle straight forward
and two sided and stay out of the way.
Foxkeh: Whatever.
Tux: We’ll fight a three way battle some other time.
Diddy and Tux journey back to the bureau.
Diddy: You want to play Playstation All Stars?
Tux: You wish!
Diddy: Now, comes to think about it, each and every one of those characters in that game all use Apple
products.
Tux: And the UNSC computers run on Windows. Perfect!
Diddy: You’re going to make an operating system for Fox McCloud?
Tux: In deed I will. What about the Separatists?
Diddy: They’re alive in the open source programs, just like the rest of Nintendo as it was.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 3.3
Will: What news, novice?
Tux: I’m not a novice.
Will: A creature’s skill is defined by his actions, not by his title.
Tux: What about a third side that I inspired? I have seen Sony and Apple united against Microsoft. I plan
on doing the same with Nintendo.
Will: Your friendship with Diddy Kong troubles me. There are many adorable iconic characters of
Nintendo. Why Diddy Kong?
Tux: Because he resembles a penguin.
Will: You could have actually chosen a penguin.
Tux: Naa! I love meeting an interesting friend that can actually rival my charm, and he sure does it well.
Will: Diddy Kong’s Rareware, Tux.
Tux: Not anymore, and he suffers from the loss of his company now, and therefore has developed
hatred towards Microsoft. Unless if he decides to join Apple, that makes him my ally.
Will: You’re a weird one, Tux.
Tux: We can trade barbs or do Gabriel Angelos’ work It’s your choice!
Will: Then be out with it!
Tux: Thief, claimer of the Imperial City of Cyrodiil, is holding a public execution not far from here. It’s
sure to be well guarded but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I know what to do.
Will: And that’s why you remain a novice in my eyes. You cannot know anything, only suspect. You must
suspect to be wrong, to have overlooked something. Anticipate, Tux. How many times must I remind
you of this?
Tux: As you will, Will. Are we done?
Will: Not quite. There is one more thing. One of the men to be executed is a brother, one of us. Gabriel
Angelos—
Tux: Yes, yes. One of them is an Assassin. I’ve heard of him, two others as well, a Dragonborn from the
north, and a Rareware-associated Insurrectionist.
Will: Interesting. Surprised that this guy is very well interested in us.
Tux: I would not be surprised. Thief has very similar talents to what we have. To fight him is to fight fire
with fire. If I want to defeat him, I have to have something to offer him that he cannot offer us.
Will: What is it?
Tux: What do you think?
Will: Charm? This brotherhood that you’re forming?
Tux: Yes! Charm and friendship are the two things I can develop which he can’t. I’ll use my charm on him
the same way I used my charm on Fighter to lure him into the kill zone. With the right amount of
teamwork and deception, I won’t give him the chance to execute the prisoners.
Will: So I hope.
Will places the feather.
Tux takes it.
Diddy: Well, Tux?
Tux: It looks like we’re on our last target here before he assigns us three more.
Diddy: So, I hope! I’m getting tired of killing someone because I’m told to. That’s not very noble isn’t it?
Tux: But is it noble to rescue some of your old friends when you’re not asked, or to help out someone
you don’t know with kindness?
Diddy: That’s a good point, but none of that stuff was in the mission we were asked to do.
Tux: Interesting. I have to admit; Goldeneye seems pretty helpful and helps shape the course of the
future.
Diddy: That was my mission.
Tux: Yes, it was, and I can see how this could make our jobs as assassins a lot easier.
Diddy: What do you mean?
Tux: Well, as the master of the internet, I have seen countless arguments floating around the internet.
Many of them are corrupt and pessimistic.
Diddy: They want to make the humans look evil.
Tux: Yes! Those guys got to be stopped!
Diddy: That’s why we do our work as monguin ancestors. We are the hope for humanity.
Diddy cries.
Tux: What’s the matter?
Diddy: That reminds me of Robin Hood. He’s an Elder of Israel, a member of the very group that will one
day make the birth of the monguins possible.
Tux: Yes.
Diddy: By the way, did you notice that Will just explained the Assassin’s Creed?
Tux: What do you mean?
Diddy: Here is how he explained the Creed: “You cannot know anything; only suspect;” in other words,
nothing is true.
Tux: Oh, because there is no such thing as fact since anything can be manipulated.
Diddy: Yes! You cannot uncover truth from imperfect discoveries and methods.
Tux: Where DOES truth come from?
Diddy: I don’t know, but I hope we can find that out later.
Tux: Well, we’ll just stay in the water before our next mission, get tickled on our tummies.
Diddy: That sounds like a good idea.
Tux: Well, let’s do it.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.4
Chapter 3.4
Diddy and Tux dive into the water.
Clippy: Using parkour and other natural abilities are socially acceptable, but usage of jet packs is not.
Monguin: Yes, thanks for telling me that, enemy.
Mickey Monguin: We already know that.
Monguin: Did you just give me that advice to help me out?
Clippy: Sometimes, I just like to pop up whenever I feel like it, like now.
Monguin: Whatever, Clippy.
Clippy: You want to see some awesome footage from Perfect Dark Zero?
Monguins: (together in unison): NO!
Monguin: In fact, that game was so horrible, that’s the reason why the Separatists have so much
presence here. They are affiliated with Microsoft, but they’re Insurrectionists.
Mickey Monguin: That game came out with Oblivion for Xbox 360.
Clippy: Sure you don’t want to play that game?
Monguin: Nope! I already had for the review a year ago.
Clippy: Anticipating when it was coming out.
Mickey Monguin: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to turn out good.
Monguin: Yep.
Mickey Monguin: Well, this guy is going to be fun.
Monguin: So, let me get this straight, so how Thief claimed authority is entirely by skill?
Mickey Monguin: It does show how one gains authority in the first place.
Monguin: One of the ways, the way they received authority in the Dark Ages.
Mickey Monguin: He rules in fear. That’s not right.
Monguin: I’m thankful for our ancestors. They show the good way to gain authority.
Mickey Monguin: By respect.
Monguin: Such source of authority is superior because people look up to you after you die.
Mickey Monguin: I have to admit! I love Clippy.
Monguin: You do?
Mickey Monguin: Well, I love Clippy because I hate him!
Monguin: That sounds a bit of an oxymoron, don’t you think?
Mickey Monguin: Well, he does have that perfect resemblance of GLaDOS.
Monguin: Yes! The resemblance is uncanny!
Mickey Monguin: I love how he parodies on the annoying little helpers.
Monguin: Yeah, like I challenge you to play Sonic the Hedgehog Omochao Edition.
Mickey Monguin: (laughs) No thank you. The best part is that he’s not even on our side!
Monguin: More hostile than Master Chief?
Mickey Monguin: DUDE! I hate to admit, but Master Chief completely replaced Clippy as the Microsoft
mascot.
Monguin: Huh! So, we got a trigger happy warrior, an evil wizard, and a thief who just loves making
other people cry simply because it’s fun. Who is Red Mage going to be like?
Mickey Monguin: Probably a very prideful and repulsive scholar.
Monguin: Yeah! I can see where this is going.
Mickey Monguin: Well, don’t you think that we should be playing Playstation All Stars?
Monguin: I’m surprised those monkeys of that Apple app don’t show up.
Mickey Monguin: What app?
Monguin: The tower defense app!
Mickey Monguin: Oh! I see!
Monguin: Now that we know Sega has Total War, what is Sonic going to do with it?
Mickey Monguin: Not a clue!
Monguin: Well, it won’t be long before we start up with the assassination target.
Mickey Monguin: True!
Monguin: I’m going to practice my targets.
Mickey Monguin: True.
Monguin and Mickey Monguin practice some of the combo moves.
Diddy and Tux seem to develop hand to hand combat very well.
Monguin: I swear! It’s like some day, they no longer need weapons.
Mickey Monguin: They feel very agile.
Monguin: Well, I hope we do well on our assassination target.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 1.1
EPISODE 4.5
Clippy: Remember that by obeying the tenants to the Creed of Diddy and Tux, you will stay in sync with
them.
Monguin: Shut up! You don’t even respect the Creed.
Clippy: Oh, but I do!
Monguin: Oh, really?
Clippy: Yes, as long as you get to your target memory, I shall accomplish my goals.
Mickey Monguin: Your goals, what are your goals?
Clippy: Nothing you should ever know about! (evil laugh)
Monguin: Great!
Mickey Monguin: Now, he’s taunting us!
Monguin: Do you think the obvious is going to happen when we get out of the animus?
Mickey Monguin: We already know that we’re being held prisoner by Microsoft! Clippy is the original
Microsoft character!
Monguin: No frigate duh, and oh, how evil he truly is.
Clippy: I can seduce a coma if I wanted to.
Monguin: No thanks.
Mickey Monguin: Nope!
Clippy: Well, here is an excerpt from the Assassin’s Creed Wiki.
Monguin: I do not need to hear this.
Clippy: Stay your blade from the flesh of an innocent.
Monguin: Yes I know.
Clippy: The goal of the Assassins was to ensure peace in all things. The Assassins believed that political
assassinations and the death of the corrupt would bring peace and a true sense of security to the
common people.
Monguin: Does this guy ever shut up?
Clippy: Slaying innocents and civilian bystanders who did not need to die could spread strife and discord,
in addition to ruining the name of the Assassin Order itself.
Mickey Monguin: Great! He’s actually plagiarizing the Assassin’s Creed Wiki! Terrific!
Clippy: Hide in plain sight. The greatest illusion from such an assassination was that the Assassin
seemingly materialized from nowhere—
Monguins: WE KNOW!
Clippy continues onward, explaining the Creed.
Monguin: You are so annoying, I hate you!
Mickey Monguin: Clippy doesn’t even understand the Creed.
Monguin: Nope! He’s a frigate robot!
Mickey Monguin: Or, more precisely, an AI.
Monguin: True! Very true!
Clippy: The memory is finally loaded.
Monguin: Thank you!
The monguins reenter the bodies of Diddy and Tux.
Diddy and Tux are seen swimming with Enguarde.
Diddy: So, I guess we just retreat here to this spot when we’re finished.
Tux: Yep.
Diddy and Tux jump out of the water.
Diddy and Tux meet up with Foxkeh and Timber and act cute as they enter the gate, bypassing the
guards.
Diddy: Thank you for letting us in!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 1.2
Tux: We must hurry to the site of the execution to free the prisoners.
Diddy: I have to admit: we’ve done a lot of rescuing lately.
Tux: That much is clear.
Diddy: Yes.
Tux: So, I’m still concerned about the Relics part of the term, Rare Relics.
Diddy: It can’t refer to the Hiigarans, doesn’t it?
Tux: I hope it’s not.
Diddy: Well, we both know it can’t be the Vaygr.
Tux: Right, because it’s with iSony.
Diddy: Apple has the lamest terms.
Tux: Right. So, how many souls have we rescued so far?
Diddy: I don’t know. I lost count.
Tux: Aww, Diddy. I can’t wait to deal with these final four.
Diddy: Yes! We can all relax, return to our girlfriends…
Tux: Maybe a double date, even!
Diddy: Hey! That sounds like a good idea!
Tux: Yes! I love double dates!
Diddy: True!
Tux: A couple of adorable couples!
Diddy: Yes!
Diddy and Tux enter the execution.
They watch from a distance.
Thief: Silence! I demand silence! People of Cyrodiil, hear me well! I stand here today to deliver a
warning! There are malcontents among you! They sow the seeds of discontent, hoping to lead you
astray! Tell me, is that shoat you desire? To be mired in deceit and sin? To live your lives in fear?
The crowd roars.
Thief: Then you wish to take action? Your devotion pleases me. This evil must be purged. Only then can
we hope to be redeemed!
Man 1: This is not justice!
Man 2: You’ve no right to do that!
Man 1: And all of you stand idle, complacent in this crime!
Man 2: God curse you all!
Two men charge at Thief.
One is shot down by an arrow.
The other gets sliced by a guard.
Thief: See how the evil of one creature spreads to corrupt others? They sought to instill fear and doubt
within you, but I will keep you safe! Hear me now, here now, are three! The thief, the gambler, and the
heretic! Let the gods’ judgment be brought down upon them all!
The crowd cheers loudly.
Man: You liar! These creatures are innocent! They mean no harm! One of those guys only means to help
this nation win its independence from Microsoft.
Diddy: That could be any of the three.
Tux: I’m just waiting for someone to throw rotten tomatoes at the guy.
One guy does it anyway.
Thief: Who did that?
Pause.
The crowd would not tell the Thief who did it.
Thief looks around to find the guy who threw it at him.
Thief: Did you throw a tomato at me?
The guy does not say anything.
Thief: I’ll throw something at you, boy!
Thief makes a comeback throw, a knife in the neck as Altair would have done it.
Diddy: Yep.
Tux: Might as well.
Diddy: Stay calm, Tux.
Diddy and Tux step forward and emerge from the crowd.
They approach Thief silently.
Thief looks at Diddy and Tux with wondering awe.
Timber joins Diddy and purrs.
Foxkeh joins Tux with the puppy dog eyes, wagging his tail.
Thief: Well, look at you!
Thief stares at the four.
Thief looks adored, couldn’t escape the power of charisma.
Thief leans over as if he wants to pet them.
Sadly, Thief notices their true intentions but refuses to believe them anyway, hoping they would choose
not to do it.
PWNAGE!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 1.3
Timber and Foxkeh look around to notice they’re in a strange animus loading room with Diddy and Tux.
Tux: Your work here is finished.
Thief: No, no! It only just begun!
Tux: Tell me, what’s your part in all of this? Do you intend to defend yourself as the others have and
explain away your evil deeds?
Thief: The Brotherhood wanted the kingdom. I wanted power. There was an opportunity.
Tux: An opportunity to murder innocents.
Thief: Not so innocent. Dissident voices cut deep as steel. They disrupt order. In this, I do agree with the
Brotherhood.
Tux: Ask me again! Why is it that you killed everybody in sight, acted like a complete jerk, talk back at
everybody, picked locks, pickpocketed everybody, and “save” citizens by putting them in the middle of
the roads? What were you possibly be thinking?
Thief: I did that because I could, because it was fun!
Diddy: Figures!
Thief: You and I are the same! Do you know what it feels like to determine another creature’s fate? And
did you see the way people cheered, the way they feared me? I was like a God!
Diddy: Now we know why we are still not being respected by the order.
Tux: Our charm is contradicted by the cruel acts that we did, such as throwing money everywhere.
Diddy: Yeah, you got a good point.
Thief: You would have done the same if you could, such power!
Tux: Once perhaps, but then I learned what becomes of those who lift themselves above others.
Thief: What is that?
Tux: Here, let me show you.
Tux pulls out his dagger and stabs Thief rather brutally.
Diddy: Che ci hai lasciato con esperienze significative e possiamo ringraziare per questo. (You have left
us with meaningful experiences and we can thank you for that.) Requiescat in pace.
Animus reverts to normal view.
Guard: ASSASSIN!
Diddy: Ship!
Tux: Time to run!
The four flee from Thief.
Timber: What?
Foxkeh: Dude, don’t ask.
Timber: Let me guess: Assassin’s Creed parody.
Diddy: Yes!
Timber: Ha, very funny! It seems like all that time you wasted with Joanna Dark has paid off!
Diddy: Along with my natural parkour capability I possess as a monkey, yes!
Timber: That’s too funny! And Tux…
Diddy: He’s a ninja. Thanks to the popularity of an image by one Linux fan and a video by another Linux
fan.
Timber: Interesting.
Tux: Yes, along with a few others. Everyone loves a ninja penguin.
Timber: Very interesting.
Diddy: Yeah, the weirdest thing is that they always wait for us to finish talking to the guy we just killed
before shouting “Assassin!” and then engaging us!
Timber: Yeah, that’s very weird! I seriously don’t get that at all!
Tux: Now, we just run back to the bureau after we dive into the water which fortunately for us, is all
around this entire city.
Timber: I suspect Enguarde will be waiting for us at this moat!
Foxkeh: You want to see him?
Timber: I want to see the cute puppy dog eyes of Enguarde one more time!
Foxkeh: You’ll get your chances.
Timber: I will!
The group attempts to climb the walls to escape the guards.
Diddy: This way!
Tux: Yes!
Timber: So, Diddy, has Enguarde been useful to you?
Diddy: Oh, yes! You’ll see how useful he is!
Tux: He practically turned the entire Protoss race to our side.
Timber: Wow, that’s interesting. Did e really do that?
Diddy: Yes.
Tux: We sent him on a quest to find Goldeneye. He did so with visual communication to the Murlocks.
Diddy: Great care he took, as a Separatist, not to let the Loyalists know about us.
Timber: Interesting.
Foxkeh: Yes! Their first assassination target was made possible by Enguarde as he sunk the ship Fighter
was on.
Diddy: It’s a long story how that happened.
Timber: (with sound of awkwardness) Interesting how charm can be used for killing people.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 1.4
Diddy and Tux jump into the water to escape the guards.
Timber and Foxkeh escape into the bushes.
The guards stand on the bridge.
Some are too afraid to go downward.
Those that do try to catch them go near the beach.
Some were too afraid to go in.
Some who were on the docks got pwned by Enguarde.
The other guards see Enguarde and attempt to swim after Diddy and Tux.
All of them drowned.
Diddy: Funny!
Tux: You guys seriously need to know how to swim.
Diddy: Swimming 101: Take off your armor!
The guards struggle to catch up with Diddy and Tux.
Guard: Search those assassins!
Guard: But they’re too cute!
Guard: No, seriously, they’re assassins!
Guard: You can’t have me kill them simply for climbing walls, swimming, and acting like cuties.
Guard: No, you should seriously go get them!
Diddy: Our charm still works!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 2.1
Tux: Yes! Now, to get out of here…
Diddy: Swim out into the ocean?
Tux: Might as well, Diddy.
Diddy: This place is completely surrounded with water. Where is Enguarde, my buddy?
Diddy whistles at Enguarde.
Diddy and Tux ride Enguarde.
They ride off to safety.
The guards attempt to approach them on horses.
Several horses could not stand the steep cliffs and fall into the water.
Diddy: Ha ha!
Tux: More advantage for us!
Diddy and Tux see that the guards chase them down the river to the ocean.
Diddy: More guards!
Tux: Enough killing! I’m sick of this place!
Diddy: True that!
Diddy and Tux swim out into the sea.
The guards disengage.
Diddy and Tux encounter a dragon.
Enguarde attempts to carry the dragon out.
Diddy: Dragon!
Tux: No frigate duh!
Enguarde fights off the dragon.
The dragon gets pierced in the neck.
Diddy: Yes!
Tux: Way to go, buddy!
Diddy and Tux swim upward.
Apparently, some iSonys show up.
Diddy: Ship!
Tux: They’re right over our heads.
Diddy and Tux submerge themselves down under.
Diddy: This is getting ridiculous.
Tux: Yes, it is.
Diddy: Well, we’ll just stay down here, I guess.
Later, the Argonians show up.
Diddy: Ship!
Tux: Those guys!
Diddy and Tux swim away from the Argonians, but Enguarde was playing cheap trying to scare off the
Argonians.
Diddy: Enguarde, I don’t think you would be very good at scaring others until after you do something
nasty to somebody.
Enguarde tries to face off the Argonians anyway.
Enguarde teases the Argonians with several scars and scratches.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 2.2
Diddy: Enguarde…
Diddy catches Enguarde’s attention.
Diddy: Leave the Argonians alone!
Enguarde swims up to Diddy and Tux.
Tux: Talking about a couple of cute little swimmers.
Diddy: Aided by a swordfish?
Tux: Well, I think we need to get out of the water and start returning to the bureau.
Diddy and Tux pop their heads out of the water.
Diddy and Tux notice some Age of Mythology references.
Tux: More Microsoft! Great!
Diddy: Piracy?
Tux: Age of Empires 3 was bad, by the way. The first time I have seen that “R” logo that you bear was
when I was a guest star of Microsoft’s Age of Empires 3.
Diddy: Where did you see it at?
Tux: Now that I know, it was some sort of a surveyor for an Insurrectionist settlement.
Diddy: Interesting.
Tux: You fight pirates, and I’m a ninja, so let’s just do this.
Diddy and Tux jump on board.
Diddy and Tux get onto the boat and start capturing it.
Tux: Drone it! The technology isn’t advanced enough.
Diddy: No cannons?
Tux: No cannons!
Diddy: What about magic?
Tux: I have to admit! This is why the magical planets appear to be so primitive.
Diddy: Why?
Tux: Because with magic, you don’t need technology as much. You can become independent of those
tyrannical UNSC devices!
Diddy: Interesting! Another good reason Goldeneye belongs to the Assassins and the Kongs.
Tux: Or the Separatists to make it simple.
Diddy and Tux manage the ships.
Monguin: The only thing any of the Assassin’s Creeds lacked is naval battles.
Mickey Monguin: I’ve heard that the naval battles were the best part of Assassin’s Creed 3!
Monguin: But with Diddy and Tux, and therefore with us, when they fight naval battles, they do so with
cute navels.
Mickey Monguin: Ha ha! Very funny!
Diddy and Tux finish their activity in the ocean and return to Cyrodiil.
They attempt to return to the bureau where they would find the Rafiq to talk to.
Diddy: Great!
Tux: Now they completely lost us!
Diddy: Does Timber have an Android phone?
Tux: I don’t know. He was rescued by Foxkeh, so I think he does. Why?
Diddy: I’m going to send him the coordinates in a binary code only recognizable by your operating
systems.
Tux: So that neither iSony nor Microsoft could pick it up.
Diddy: Yes! As a 00 agent-type assassin, I’m good with hacking.
Tux: As the Linux Mascot, I’m good at hacking.
Diddy sends the coordinates to Timber.
Tux: What is taking you so long?
Diddy: What do you think?
Tux: Oh.
Diddy and Tux return to the bureau.
Tux: You keep working on sending the coordinates. I got to go talk to Will.
Tux talks to Will.
Tux: Tamriel needs a new ruler.
Tux shows the feather.
Will: So I’ve heard.
Tux: What’s this? No words of wisdom for me? Surely I have failed in some spectacular fashion.
Will: You performed as an Assassin should, no more, no less. That you expect praise for merely doing as
told however, troubles me.
Tux: It seems everything I do troubles you.
Will: Reflect on that, but do so on your way back to Azeroth, to our frigate.
Tux: I’ll see what I can do.
Tux leaves the bureau.
Will: (on his phone) Sir? Yeah. We’re done here!
Tux leaves Will.
Tux meets up with Diddy.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 2.3
Diddy: I just sent the signal to Timber. He’s on his way.
Tux: Well, I guess after his arrival, we’re finished.
Diddy: I guess he’ll find his way, by any chance.
Tux: Can we meet up at the river?
Diddy: I wasted time. I did what I had to. Stay here and wait until he arrives.
Tux: Yes, be patient.
Diddy and Tux wait patiently as Timber approaches.
Timber: Diddy!
Diddy: I came to say goodbye. It’s nice seeing you again.
Timber: I thought you’re tagging along with Tux until you find me again.
Diddy: Yes, but I’m afraid our quest has become far more complicated.
Timber: Why?
Diddy: Well, you see? There was another reason why I sided with Tux besides the clear idea we have a
common enemy with Linux.
Timber: What was the other reason?
Diddy: I resemble penguins, but I never thought I would quite literally have a half-penguin descendant.
Timber: What, like a hybrid creature?
Diddy: I would normally keep this a secret, but because of your background, I feel obligated to share
with you.
Timber: What is it?
Diddy: Monguins.
Timber: Interesting. What are those?
Diddy: What do you think?
Timber: Monkey penguin hybrids?
Diddy: Yes.
Timber: Then what makes these creatures so special. They’re only hybrid creatures.
Diddy: The hybrid creature has become the symbol of this story’s writer. It’s his original creation. I guess
he felt that it’s hard to grasp on such original creature, so he decided to write this story to introduce the
concept and to tell a story of where he originally got the idea.
Timber: From you?
Diddy: Precisely.
Timber: What does the Linux Mascot factor into it then?
Diddy: That mascot has the charms that kept the writer going, rather encouraged it a little bit.
Timber: So, I get you resemble a penguin looking cute with a pot belly, being an excellent swimmer even
in ice water, playing in the snow, the resemblance is uncanny in my eyes, but why the mascot?
Diddy: He has a belly button, and he’s an acrobat, not to mention his typing and brains.
Timber: Interesting.
Diddy: Listen. Before I go—
Timber: I want to come with you!
Diddy: I know! Before I go, there is something I want you to do here.
Timber: What is that?
Diddy: Have you developed 007 character and talent among many N64 Rareware games?
Timber: Yes.
Diddy: Have you worked on your natural parkour ability as a feline?
Timber: Yes.
Diddy: Then remember this: Nothing is true; everything is permitted. Go underground and rally up the
other Separatists located here. In doing so, think about what you can do to take on the Spartans
themselves, being the Templars. Discover their secrets and meet me when you can.
Timber: I can do that. Wait a second: what did you just say?
Diddy: Niente è vero, tutto è permesso. (Nothing is true; everything is permitted.)
Timber: You played Assassin’s Creed 2 too much!
Diddy: Assassin’s Creed 2 never really did explain the saying, unlike Assassin’s Creed 1 or Revelations.
Anyways, I got to go. Sicurezza e pace, Timber. (Safety and peace, Timber.)
Timber sees Diddy bowing with a very strange look.
Timber: Yep! This is definitely, and most certainly an Assassin’s Creed parody!
Diddy leaves Timber.
Diddy and Tux dive back into the water.
Enguarde reenters the crate and prepares to leave with Diddy and Tux.
Diddy and Tux get onto the ship.
Diddy: Well, where are we heading?
Tux: If we get back to Azeroth, we should know.
Diddy: Yes, I should know.
Tux: Well, Fox McCloud should be protecting this ship since we’re on it.
Diddy sees four Arwings flying around the Hiigaran Shipyard.
Diddy: I think he is, actually.
Tux: Nice guy.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 2.4
The monguins notice that the animus session just ended.
Monguin: Drone it!
Mickey Monguin: We’re done already?
Freeman: Get up!
Monguin: Whatever you say, Doc.
Freeman’s phone rings.
Freeman: answers the phone.
Freeman: I’m ending the session.
Freeman looks shocked.
Freeman: I’ll be right there. You’re sure about this? Yes… No, everything’s Fungi Forest. I don’t see how
he could—Of course, I understand.
Freeman hangs up with an alarming look on his face.
Freeman: You’re in a lot of trouble, monguins!
Monguin: What’s his problem?
Boomer: They’re coming for you!
Monguin: Who?
Boomer: Banjo and Kazooie, with the Owlgle Armada.
Monguin: Hey, listen! I have nothing to do with this!
Boomer: Sounds like they’re mounting some kind of rescue attempt. Guess you’re more important than
you realize.
Monguin: Drone! Things just keep getting weirder and weirder around here.
Freeman leaves the room with haste.
Boomer: It was bound to happen.
Monguin: What do you mean?
Boomer: That little fight your ancestors started during the 7th generation of gaming, it never ended.
You’re currently being held prisoner by dataDynes.
Monguin: Freeman’s a dataDyne?
Boomer: There’s no way you could have known. They hide it so well. To answer your question, he works
for them, we all do. Aperture Sciences is their company.
Monguin: Hold on! I thought Half Life was by Valve Corporation.
Boomer: A lot of inspiration that made Portal is related to Rareware, the annoying Microsoft office
assistant, the Nintendo classics, Mario in particular, the cyberpunk feel of Perfect Dark, the corniness
thereof… Of course as a web critic, you know all about what this company is parodying.
Monguin: Abstergo.
Boomer: Yes. One of the things I’ve learned, there really is no such thing as a bad guy. It’s all so relative.
I guess the way of explaining it is, what they want is good, but the way they’re going about it, it’s bad,
really bad.
Monguin: What are they trying to do?
Mickey Monguin: You just stated the obvious!
Boomer’s phone rings.
Monguin: Boomer?
Boomer: (talking on the phone) Yes?
Freeman: (on the phone) Ms. Valerii, I need to speak with you. Get up here, now!
Boomer: On my way doctor.
Boomer hangs up the phone.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 3.1
Boomer turns to the monguins.
Boomer: I’m sorry, monguins. I have to go. You should turn in for the night.
Boomer leaves the animus.
Boomer: The answers to all of your questions are right in front of you, you just have to know where to
look.
The monguins attempt to move in through the room.
Monguin: Well, if we’ve been in the animus long enough, we should know exactly what Boomer was
talking about.
Mickey Monguin: The blood on the floor?
Monguin: Yes, unless if there is something else, she might have mentioned.
Mickey Monguin: Should you talk to the lady?
Monguin: Might as well.
Monguin turns to Boomer.
Monguin: Boomer?
Boomer: (sighs) Huh, what is it monguins?
Monguin: Nothing, really, I just would like to say goodnight.
Boomer: Listen. I’m going to get into trouble if I don’t leave here soon, and I can’t leave until I see you
go in.
Monguin: Alright, alright!
Mickey Monguin: Geeze!
Monguin and Mickey Monguin reenter the room and turn in for the night.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 3.2
The animus session ends.
Diddy’s Monologue…
My name is Diddy Kong.
I’m a cute and lovable icon.
Many of you fan boys and fan girls alike had found me sexy.
You’re probably asking yourself: what type of a monkey am I?
Am I a chimpanzee? Am I a capuchin? Am I a spider monkey?
Well, let me tell you something.
I am a Kong.
And what exactly is a Kong?
Well, it’s a bit difficult to explain.
The basic idea is that it’s really hard for me not to care for my family and heritage.
Do you know why?
Because we have the most exotic family the universe has ever seen.
So, what about my legacy?
Well, let me tell you something.
You know that famous movie monster, King Kong?
Yeah, that is part of my family.
How some of us like me got real small, I don’t really know.
But the fact remains that our family has very interesting proportions, I mean very interesting
proportions!
First off, we have this villain named King K Rool.
This guy is interested in gathering our precious bananas that we would often consume that would give
us extraordinary anatomy and physical structure.
My fans should know them by Golden Bananas.
However, the bananas were not the only thing he was interested in.
It was the same reason any sci-fi star fleet would fight against another sci-fi star fleet over a primitive
fantasy planet.
The reason is simple: magic items!
Magic items are some of the most valuable treasure.
Visitors consider my island to be better than Disneyland.
It is much cuter, much prettier, and far more exciting!
K Rool seems to be pretty good at unintentionally make my island more exciting by gathering precious
magic gems for our caves.
That’s the reason for the many mine cart tunnels.
Sometimes, he gets too greedy and goes too deep.
I swear, any human that poked my belly button said to himself, “Forget the penguins!”
Now, being with the Linux Mascot, I can see why.
Anyways, I’m getting off topic.
After the first time he stole them, remember, we defeated him.
So what he does is that he became very much like a typical 90’s villain.
He has this gimmick where he kidnaps some of us in hopes that he can prevent us from preventing him
from accomplishing his goals.
That’s the reason why we were kidnapped.
I never knew why he couldn’t just simply kill us.
However, what he does is pretty funny.
He’s like a Power Rangers villain where he has this gimmick that he tries to many times in many ways
but it just doesn’t work.
What made him a cool villain is featured in a YouTube video called The K Rool Way.
If you want to see that video, go check it out.
It’s on the same channel as the video that displays the many strengths and weaknesses of Altair.
Not too surprising that many Assassin’s Creed fans that made fun of Altair’s hydrophobia are also
Donkey Kong fans.
The reason is simple: we are excellent swimmers.
Perhaps, we’re the best video game swimmers that are actually critically acclaimed, especially Enguarde
and me.
Now, it comes to think about it, I want to play Assassin’s Creed 3 for the tree climbing and the exotic
swimming ability of Connor Kenway.
It’s a bit American, though, I’m afraid.
Anyways, I don’t really know what K Rool is up to.
Now, about the feel. Given what qualified me to become an assassin, I hope that my journey with Tux
will eventually lead me to hidden treasures.
That’s another comparison I like to make between myself and Ezio.
We’re both equally Indiana Jones stereotypes.
Indiana Jones has enough James Bond references to have Sean Connery for a cast member.
When was K Rool defeated?
Let me tell you: Donkey Kong 64!
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 3.3
Tux’s Monologue:
My name is Tux, and this is my story.
As my company rises, Diddy’s companies fall.
That’s the terrible truth that I learned about Nintendo whom I’ve been referencing.
Anyways, my first trip to Nintendo was inspiring.
I was always there when Mario and I wanted to talk.
I knew him, and he knew me.
But because of the departure of Rareware, Diddy Kong’s heritage has been sadly overlooked.
Nevertheless, I had been popular.
My popularity grew throughout the turn of the 21st century.
Like Diddy Kong, I too had outgrown my respective company practically.
Yes! I have very popular sites.
Many had started using Linux not only because they love computers, but because they love penguins as
well.
Now, why my fans would often draw or render me with a belly button is anybody’s guess, but Diddy
stated the obvious.
My belly button goes with the many traits I have as a penguin, fat belly, swimming ability, charm, the list
goes on.
Another thing that has been popular around my fan base is ninjas.
They like portraying me as a ninja.
I guess that’s how I got my talent as a ninja, and therefore, was qualified to become an Assassin, not to
mention being the supporter of open source.
Living Oxymoron got a lot of popularity on that one picture.
That picture makes me look monkey as much as Arctic Abyss of Donkey Kong Country 2 makes Diddy
look penguin.
However, I believe I got some of my skills and talents from a video as equally as popular, by Cenek
Strichel.
Another popular thing that Linux fans do with me is that they have me go up against Microsoft icons.
But none of them were Xbox exclusive characters.
The Microsoft characters I fought were mainly Windows and Microsoft Office icons, such as Clippy
Paperclip.
Now, that guy was frigate annoying.
I’m glad that he’s been parodied in this series.
He was around live and well when Nintendo and Rareware were alive and well, during the late 90’s.
However, he is more connected with me than he is with Diddy Kong because he had nothing to do with
video games.
He was an icon designed for Microsoft Office programs for work and school and such.
Between his background, his relationship with me, and his unfortunate popularity, he deserves to be in
this series.
Sadly though, many other characters can’t see him because the last time Diddy and I saw him, it was
with our ability to break the fourth wall.
We saw him as a program that runs in the animus.
I bet my half-monkey descendants are having a hard time with that little sucker!
Anyways, I loved fighting Microsoft, but I never dreamed that my popularity would eventually lead me
to becoming friends with Diddy Kong and end up parodying Assassin’s Creed.
Yes! I am the model of modern day popular culture.
I’m a penguin and a ninja.
I’m the supporter of open source.
I have many friends from nostalgic Nintendo representing my support of retro through emulators.
My name is Tux, and this is my story.
Diddy and Tux
Season II
Episode 4.5
Chapter 3.4
Created by Gabriel Smith
Monguins created by Gabriel Smith
Starring Diddy Kong by Nintendo…
…and Tux by Linux. Last Image courtesy of Living Oxymoron, who sparked my interest to write this series
with this one picture.
References to Assassin’s Creed by Ubisoft
Enguarde also by Nintendo
Requiescat in pace, Rareware
Many references to Microsoft, including Halo, Age of Empires, and Age of Mythology, along with Clippy
Total War by Sega and Creative Assembly
Portal by Valve Corporation
Boomer Valerii from Battlestar Galactica
Elder Scrolls by Bethesda Software
Including references to Playstation exclusive titles along with Nintendo and Microsoft exclusive titles.
Special thanks to the fan boys and fan girls for inspiring me to write this page.
And now, time for a little fun with Diddy and Tux.
Animus loads to see Diddy and Tux with Enguarde.
They look cute.
The Assassin’s look at them with puzzling eyes.
Assassin: Diddy? Tux?
Diddy: Hi, Assassin.
Tux: Hi!
Assassin: You’re soaking wet!
Diddy: So?
Assassin: Have you been swimming again?
Tux: Dude, there was a lot of water around this place! How can we resist?
Diddy: It surrounds the frigate capital, the whole island Morrowind took place at, and the entire empire
itself.
Assassin: So, the water barrier was your highway.
Diddy: In a way yes!
Assassin: Do you have to swim before you get on or off the planet?
Tux: Yes.
Assassin: If you’re going to do that every time you land, and you want Moonraker and Goldeneye to be
privately possessed, you might want to modify how Moonraker lands on planets.
Tux: By water?
Assassin: Underwater for that matter.
Diddy: We’ll just assassinate the nine and then we’ll move on.
Assassin: You two are always funny together.
Tux: Yes, we are!
Assassin reaches down to play with Diddy and Tux.
Tux: We have a lot of fun time playing cutie!
Assassin: Awkward! I love how you assassinated Thief by the way. That was clever!
Diddy: Too bad Altair hates us for it.
Assassin: But it’s a flawless tactic.
Will and Altair steps up and looks at Diddy and Tux.
Both have double facepalms each.
Meanwhile, outside the animus…
Monguin: Assassin’s Creed 3!
Mickey Monguin: I’m not sure if we’re going to be able to do that review. We might have to post pone it.
Monguin: I don’t know. We might have a chance of getting out of here in time for our next review.
Mickey Monguin: Banjo and Kazooie! I want to see those guys face to face!
Monguin: If we’re lucky enough, we just might see them!
Mickey Monguin: Yes!
Monguin: I wonder what Banjo is like as a Spartan.
Mickey Monguin: That’s a good question. He’s probably one of the not-so-loyal types.
Monguin: He’s probably forced to become a Spartan and doesn’t like it.
Mickey Monguin: Yep. The bigger question is what would his suit be like.
Monguin: Lightweight, like Sir Gabriel’s armor?
Mickey Monguin: That’s a possibility.
Monguin: Plus, Kazooie could have that sort of an extra flexible suit with powerful exoskeleton wings.
Mickey Monguin: Don’t forget the hidden blade!
Monguin: I was wondering when such an armored soldier would be wearing one of those bracers.
Mickey Monguin: Treachery! That’s what has been going on lately!
End of Season 2