Attack of the cling-on nation By Kellie B. Gormly TRIBUNE-REVIEW Tuesday, March 4, 2008 When Cassie Miller's second child, Christian, was a younger tot, she quit her job and held him back from kindergarten for a year because his separation anxiety was so intense. "I would leave him somewhere and he would cry," says Miller, 40, of Kittanning. "He would not want me to leave to go to work. ... It drove me so crazy." Once Christian, now 11, started kindergarten, though, he was fine, Miller says. His brother -- Josh, 16 -- has a very different personality, and never had separation anxiety. "I just think you have to continually point out positive things on their level," Miller says. "When you are doing that separation ... you need to do it very upbeat, like it's the greatest thing in the world." When young children experience separation anxiety and become clingy, they can cry and beg their parents not to leave, latch themselves onto parents' legs and bury their faces in the adults' thighs, or even refuse to go to school, experts say. Such behavior can be not only annoying and taxing for parents, but also heart-wrenching. It is hard to look into their children's pleading eyes, and leave them anyway, says Dr. Joshua Sparrow, co-author of many parenting books. "I think it's really painful for parents to leave their child when the child is protesting; you feel as if you are making a choice that is causing them to stress," Sparrow says. His books include "Touchpoints Birth to Three: Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development" and "Touchpoints Three to Six: Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development." Sparrow also wrote an introduction to the book "Helping Your Child Overcome Separation Anxiety or School Refusal: A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents." "It can be quite challenging for parents," says Sparrow. He is an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School in Boston. Yet, in most cases, parents do their children no long-term favors when they give in to their children's pleas to stay with them, when the parents need to be somewhere else, says Dana Rofey. She is a developmental psychologist and assistant professor at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh in Oakland. "We want our kids to feel really secure," Rofey says. "We want them to know that they have a secure base -- not only the parent to come back to, but that they can really ... spread their wings and explore the world." Kenda Hammer, early literacy specialist for the Fox Chapel Area School District, agrees. "(Parents) are actually helping their kids by encouraging them to be independent," says Hammer. Her background is in child development and early childhood education. "Give them messages like 'I'm so excited about the way you're growing up.' " Parents should not reinforce separation anxiety and clinginess, Rofey and Hammer say. Rather, they should set boundaries, while still nurturing their children, and praise them profusely when they show some independence: for instance, when they complete a day at school, even though they were scared to go. Separation anxiety usually starts around 9 months of age, and it can peak around ages 1 and 2, or it can continue well past the preschool age, Sparrow and Rofey say. Children often become clingy when they start kindergarten, because it is such a major step in life. They also can experience increased separation anxiety when something upsetting happens: for instance, the death of a relative. This can, understandably, make a child worry that something will happen to Mom or Dad, Rofey says. And isn't the same true for adults facing someone's death? They worry that something will happen to their loved ones, too, Rofey says. While a child's degree of separation anxiety can be a matter of environment and circumstances, it also seems to be a part of his or her inborn personality, Rofey says. Some children are just naturally more clingy than others. Tracy Snyder of Worthington, Armstrong County, says that her two older sons -Jacob, 11, and Tyler, 16 -- did not show separation anxiety. However, her youngest son -- Evan, 6, who is in kindergarten -- hated going to school at first, and was very clingy. But Evan has improved, Snyder says. "Now, it's like clockwork," says Snyder, 44. "Whatever the day calls for, he does it without any kind of fog. ... He's getting used to the whole idea." She says she helped Evan by telling him that his big brothers did it, and he can, too. Snyder also reassured her son that she would still be there when he came home." Mandy Forrester's daughter, Emma, 3, never has been unusually clingy. Yet, she does have her moments: like, when she is going back to school after being out sick. Emma also went through a period of time when she didn't want to be with anyone but her mom. "I always reaffirm, when she acts like she doesn't want me to leave, that I'm coming back -- and that she's going to be fine, and have fun with grandma or whoever she is going to be with," says Forrester, 31, of Greensburg. "I actually really do believe that that's a life skill that you teach your kids: that they don't have to have you right by them, 24/7, for them to be OK." Separation anxiety has to be severe before it becomes a clinical diagnosis, Sparrow and Rofey say. Some clinginess is normal during times of change and separation from the adults who provide love, care and protection for a child. But such anxiety tends to subside when a child bonds with another caring adult, like a teacher. Parents can help soothe their children, without enabling the clinginess, by showing compassion for their kids' feelings, Hammer says. "Life is a series of transitions around these major milestones," she says. "Think about ways we were soothed in childhood. Most people can tell you some really significant separation events. If we remember how we resolved those, it helps us share those with our kids." With the proper reassurance, Hammer says, kids "can keep us in their hearts and in their minds." "They understand that just because something is out of sight, it is not gone and has not vanished," she says. HOW TO COPE WITH A CLINGY CHILD You don't need to get bruised legs from young children who won't let go of you. Consider these tips from child-development experts. • Look at ways to prevent the clinginess before it becomes a problem. Leave them with babysitters on occasions, and make sure they have contact with peers, so the kids don't focus on you so much. • Let your child get to know and bond with other adults. • The more hugging and holding you do, the more safe and secure the child will feel. Try to give your child special, one-on-one time every day. • Show compassion for your child's anxious feelings, and talk about them. Never shame them for clinginess. • Look for times when your child doesn't cling. Think about what causes this independence, and try to include these things in your day together. • Don't do long, drawn-out good-byes when you're leaving your child. That can make it even more difficult to leave. • Don't try sneaking out without telling your child you are leaving: it may save you a instant headache, but will be more traumatic for the child. • As you leave, give your kid something to occupy his or her time -- preferably, something challenging, like a puzzle. • Remember that anxious parents often produce anxious kids. If you are feeling your own separation anxiety and it shows, your child will feed off of it. • Praise your children when they endure separations successfully. Source: Dr. Joshua Sparrow of Harvard Medical School; Dana Rofey of Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh; Kenda Hammer of Fox Chapel Area School District; Child Care Links Kellie B. Gormly can be reached at [email protected] or 412-320-7824. Images and text copyright © 2008 by The Tribune-Review Publishing Co. Reproduction or reuse prohibited without written consent from PghTrib.com