NATIONAL OFFICE
The Compassionate Friends, Inc.
P.O. Box 3696
Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696
The Compassionate Friends
Oscoda Area Chapter
PO Box 24
Oscoda, MI 48750
(989) 739-8548
Toll Free
1-877-969-0010
www.compassionatefriends.org
Email Address
[email protected]
Oscoda Area Chapter
Volume 2
MARCH 2015 NEWSLETTER
No. 3
MONTHLY MEETING:
Tuesday, March 17, 2015 at 7:00 P.M.
(Third Tuesday of Each Month)
Oscoda Baptist Church Multipurpose Lounge, 5589 N US 23, Oscoda, MI 48750
The mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and
isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a
son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family.
ANGELS AMONG US
Our Angels are among us
We see them everyday
In all the forms that God created...
They are with us along life’s way.
We see them in the sunrise,
That brightens and warms our soul.
We feel them in the summer breeze
That chases away our cold.
They are there among the flowers...
Their sweet scent a memory of love.
They soar with the eagles,
As they fly so high above.
The night will find them in the stars,
Lighting our path below.
And even in our dreams,
Their presence we’ll still know.
As the snow melts with the sun,
And spring flowers peek through their beds,
They come on the wings of butterflies,
And flutter about our heads.
They are telling us they are with us,
And will be forever more...
Until it’s time for us to meet again,
As we pass through heaven’s door.
UPCOMING MEETING ACTIVITIES
March 17
Plus and Minus
April 21
What’s In A Name?
CHAPTER LEADERSHIP
Co-Leaders.. . . . . Fran Whitney
. Nancy Draper
Treasurer. . . . . . . Jane Negro
Secretary. . . . . . . Charlie Negro
Newsletter.. . . . . Nancy Draper
Hospitality. . . . . . Jim Draper
CONTACT INFORMATION
mail: TCF-Oscoda Area Chapter
PO Box 24, Oscoda, MI 48750
phone: 989-739-8548
email: [email protected]
website: www.tcf-oscoda.org
facebook: TCF-Oscoda Area Chapter
REGIONAL COORDINATORS
Virginia Herrick 734-765-8401
Gail Lafferty
734-748-2514
Kathy Rambo
734-306-3930
I am here.
Let’s heal together. ~
a friend
Jacquelyn M. Comeaux
Copyright 2001 Reprinted by permission of author
GRIEF WORK IS HARD WORK
When I first began my journey of grief following the death my only child, Todd, I didn’t comprehend that I
would have to take an active role in what would come to be defined as “grief work.” All I knew was the pain,
the shock, the sorrow, the desire to go to sleep and never awaken. My child was dead, and I had no desire to live.
As the months and then the years passed, I began to realize that I was, albeit unconsciously, doing grief work. Once I
realized I could not walk this road alone, I became involved in our Compassionate Friends Chapter. That was the
beginning of my “grief work.” A few months later I enrolled in a six week program for bereaved mothers.
More grief work. I have since attended seminars, retreats and workshops. From each effort I gained something new,
something insightful, something that eased my burden just a bit, something that helped me to cope with this, the worst,
of all losses.
I consumed books. Some were about grief; others were about life. I watched movies, some about grief and some about
life. I talked with friends…sometimes about grief and sometimes about life.
Along the way I found that if I reached out to others, I was, once again, doing grief work. You see, I discovered that grief
work is healing work. It doesn’t dry my tears, nor does it mend my broken heart. Instead, it allows me to accept that I
am in this place and living in this moment. That doesn’t sound like much…..unless one has lost a child to death. Lost a
child to death. What a horrifying thought. Yet now I can say it to others, talk with others who are raw and new in their
grief and know that I have come to accept that my son is gone from this plane. My grief work will continue until I die.
When we attend workshops, seminars, special presentations, Compassionate Friends meetings and privately
contemplate the depth of our loss and changes in our lives, we are doing grief work. Each of us travels this road
differently, but we owe it to ourselves to do our grief work. Not easy work, not fun work, not immediately rewarding
work, but this is work, just the same.
Annette Mennen Baldwin
In memory of my son, Todd Mennen
TCF, Katy, TX
LOST POTENTIAL
Last year I attended a workshop presented by Dr. Cable,
a specialist in grief. Dr. Cable said many important
things about the grief process, but as a bereaved parent
one thing stuck in my mind.
He said that if you ask a bereaved person to describe
his deceased mother, he will say, “Oh, she was so
sweet. She always wore flowered dresses and loved to
bake cookies.” But, if you ask a bereaved parent to
describe her deceased child, she will say, “Oh, he would
be five this year and just starting kindergarten,” or,
“She would be twenty-two this year and graduating
from college.”
You see, we bereaved parents grieve the lost potential
of our children. Our children don’t stop growing in our
minds. We grieve again and anew each year as our child
would have been a different age.
Chris Anderson
TCF, Walla Walla, Washington
“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
ADJUSTED
“It's been several years since your son died,”
They say, “Surely, you must have adjusted by now.”
Yes, I am adjusted —
Adjusted to feeling pain
And sadness and grief and guilt and loss.
Adjusted to hurting and unexpected tears.
Adjusted to seeing people made uncomfortable upon
Hearing me say “My son died.”
Adjusted to losing my best friend because
I'm not always “up.”
Adjusted to people acting as if grief is contagious,
and TCF meetings are “morbid.”
Adjusted? Oh, yes, to many things.
Knowing I won't hear his voice, but listening for it still.
Knowing I won't see him drive his Toronado,
But staring at every one I see.
Adjusted to feeling empty on his birthday
And wishing for just one more time with him.
Adjusted: As life goes on —
To realizing I cannot expect everyone I meet
To wear a bandage — just because I am still bleeding...
Shirley Blakely Curle, TCF, Central AR
OUR CHILDREN È LOVED & REMEMBERED
MARCH BIRTHDAYS
Tony
Aaron
Lisa
March 11
March 13
March 27
MARCH REMEMBRANCES
Ashley
Aaron
March 5
March 31
We no longer list last names or member’s names due to identity/fraud issues
Attending members do receive the information in their newsletter
PHONE FRIENDS
MEETING TREATS
If waiting until the next meeting is
too long and you want to talk, the
following person can be contacted.
She is there to “listen” . . .
Nancy Draper, son, sudden death (asthma)
989-739-8548
(If you would like to be available for others, please contact Nancy)
Each month at our local meeting, we will celebrate
the birth of our children that were born that month.
Treats will be provided. All we need is you. We want to
celebrate your child with you. Feel free to bring a
photo or memento of your child to share to celebrate
the day that brought so much joy in to your life.
Thanks to Fran
for February’s treats
in memory of her daughter, Casey May
In Memory of Tommy’s 5th Remembrance Year on January 30th
the following family and friends of Tommy donated a total of $820
for our upcoming Butterfly Event in June
(all funds collected will be used for this annual event each year until used in its entirety)
Brother: Jimmy
Parents: Jim & Nancy
Aunts/Uncles: Uncle George & Aunt Marianne, Aunt Arlene & Uncle Rich,
Aunt Bonnie, Aunt Pat & Uncle Moose, Aunt Ann
Cousins: Bobby & Marsha, Linnea & Ian, Linda, Debbie, Cliff & Lori, Kevin & Janell (Rory &
Adair), Terri & Steve (Morgan & Megan) (also in loving memory of their daughters,
Molly and Mckenzie), David, Cheryl, Maya & Kerry (also in loving memory of their
son, Maxim) Terry & Barb, Mike, Doug & Jean (Dougie & Erika), Brian (Kayleigh,
Kyle, Brenden & Logan)
Friends: Jack & Kathy, Nancy, Duane & Anna (prayers for Tommy), Bob & Lee Bundt, Ryan &
family, Dave & Margie (also in loving memory of their daughter, Kerry), Gib & Linda,
Rich & MaryAnn & family, Becky & Dave, Tony & Shawn, Gloria & Gene
(remembering Tommy’s smile & laughter), Courtney & Aaron (also in loving memory
of their daughter, Kennedy), Joanne, Sheri, Molly, Todd & Julie, Lee & Mike Medor
(also in loving memory of their son, Scotty), Barb & Wayne (also in loving memory of
Cindy), Issy, Violet, Oscar & Taramarie (Ozzy & Emiliano)
Several others wish to remain anonymous.
WHAT TO DO WITH ANGER
Anger is one of the most difficult emotions for me to express. Reared as a “proper" young lady, I was taught that anger
was not becoming. Many of the women I have spoken to were similarly taught.
I found, however, I did not have the tools to deal with the deep anger that came shortly after the death of my daughter.
My anger was spilling over to people who did not deserve it, or I vented excess anger by overreacting to some situations.
With the loving care and patience of several people, I developed some tools that helped me to express my anger. Rather
than trying to suppress my angry feelings, I learned to release them in constructive ways. Hopefully, some of these coping
techniques will be helpful to others.
ú EXERCISE
This is a great way to release anger, plus get into shape! I joined the YMCA, swam twice a week, did "Y's Ways to Fitness"
three times a week, and walked three to five miles each day. At first, I was concerned about doing so much exercise
because I have a very bad back, so I took it easy and worked my way up to my present routine. I always feel much better
after a good workout, and I had the extra benefit of getting out of our home and back into society.
After my daughter's death, my life felt so out of control; but as I became more fit, I regained some control. This renewed
strength aided in my recovery.
Exercise decreases stress levels and aids in controlling depression. Since grief can also make us more vulnerable to
physical illness, exercising and taking care of our health is important. Even daily walking is good therapy.
ú WRITING
When the anger bubbled up in me, I would write. Many times I didn't know where to begin, so I just started by writing, "I
am angry because. . . “Soon, my thoughts were coming faster than I could write them down. After I had expressed my anger
in writing, I often discovered that the sources of my anger were different than I had imagined. It usually sifted down to just
being angry about my daughter's death. The technique of writing about your feelings is especially nice because you can just
throw away or bum your words and the anger with them.
ú PAINTING
There is nothing like taking bright oils or acrylics and stroking them over an open canvas. I had not painted in over fifteen
years, but I went up into the attic and got down the easel, brushes, and paints. I always felt better after a good painting
session. Those times were very private for me and no one ever saw my creations, but they were helpful in expressing my
anger.
ú TALKING
Sometimes I would call a good friend and just rant and rave. My friend was a very good and non-judgmental listener.
She realized that most of what I said in anger I did not mean. She never gave advice or held me to my "anger" statements.
She just lovingly listened. This technique calls for a careful choice of friends who can maintain confidentiality and are not
afraid of anger. It is even more helpful if the friend has had a similar loss.
ú ENERGY
Convert anger into energy and use that energy to change the world. Angry with the limited support that mothers of
children with Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) had in their communities, I converted that anger into action. I joined several
nationwide support groups and helped to bring their support into our community.
My anger was further converted into energy which I used to raise money for SMA research. I baked over 700 loaves of
bread (a lot of anger there!) for a fundraiser. My friends saw my energies and joined in to help. Together, our efforts raised
over $6,000 in under six weeks! This kind of energy can be contagious.
Reaching out to others can help in healing. If something good can come from our tragedies, it can add meaning to their
deaths.
ú EGGS
Yes, eggs! When I just could not resolve my anger with any of the above techniques, I would take a dozen eggs and a
black felt-tipped pen and go into the back yard. Writing the reason I was angry on the egg, I threw it at the back fence. At
first, I thought this was a little crazy, but after throwing the first egg and watching it shatter, I felt so much better!
I always used just one word to describe my anger. It might be: Death, SMA (the disease my daughter died of), Husband,
A friend's name, God. No one need know what you write on that egg! Afterward, the birds would have a treat eating the
eggs; and listening to their happy noises while having their treat, eased my anger.
These are some of the techniques I used to express my anger. It is OK to be angry, and it is important to express, not suppress,
anger. Suppressed anger can result in deep depression.
Penny A. Blaze, New Canaan, CT
Æ Æ Æ
Æ Æ Æ
Æ Æ Æ
BOOK REVIEW
SIBLING CORNER
MAKING LEMONADE
Choosing A Positive Pathway
After Losing Your Sibling
Zander Sprague
There are many things that you
think you might be prepared for
in your life, losing your sibling is
not one of them. This book will
help you choose your own
positive pathway to healing and
recovery.
Chapter 1 (paragraph 3)
The Day the Call Came
“A tragic situation can be a lot more personal – such as
the notification that your sister or brother has just died.
Not everyone can relate to that; a great many people
simply have no idea what it’s like. But those of us
who’ve been through it know that it’s a horrible, surreal
experience – one that can’t ever be forgotten. The way
in which we deal with our loss is varied and somewhat
reflective of our age at the time of the loss. This book is
directed at people who are at least 18. Here’s my
story.”
REVIEW
“Poignant, Powerful, and Inspiring, Making Lemonade:
Choosing A Positive Pathway After Losing Your Sibling is
a wonderful book for those who have lost a sibling. I am
happy that there is a book to help this under-served
community”
– AURORA WINTER, AUTHOR OF FROM HEARTBREAK TO HAPPINESS
20 QUESTIONS
It is smaller than a breadbox. It is larger than a car.
It is rain bowed, striped, and polka-dotted
but colorless by far.
Its memory’s like an elephant. It’s forgetful as a fish.
It’s emotional as a postcard
and hopeful as a wish.
It is busy as an ant. It is lazy as a bee.
It is weak as flavored gelatin
but hardy as a snow-pea.
It’s hated as a jelly fish. It’s loved as family.
It’s plain as a doughnut
yet hidden as your keys.
It is ordinary as paper. It is creative as a kid.
It is loose as a shoe
and stuck as a lid.
It is Grief.
It is Love.
It is Hope.
Jacqui McPeck
TCF of Spokane, WA
In Memory of my brother Zachary Ian McPeck
È È È IN OUR COMMUNITY È È È
Enjoy creative fun while supporting
S.I.D.S. research
Save the
date!
The above review was taken from the book cover and
is one of 40 plus books in our current library (many
provided through the generous donation from United Way).
We encourage you to submit your own review of books that
you have felt has been helpful to you on this journey of grief.
The Compassionate
Friends is pleased to
announce that Dallas,
Texas, will be the site
of the 38th TCF
National Conference
on July 10-12, 2015.
"Hope Shines Bright
... Deep in the Heart" is the theme of this year's event.
If you are interested in attending - more information is
available on the national website.
www.compassionatefriends.org
Two dates
to chose from:
Fri, April 17
Owl Painting
Tawas
Sat, April 18
Mixed Media
Angel Wings
Oscoda
Both 6 - 8 pm
Register on Facebook - Sassy’s Art Studio
Scroll down to above picture,
follow their directions to register
Learn more about Colby’s Crusade in the April newsletter
March 2015
Oscoda Area Chapter
PO Box 24
Oscoda, MI 48750
The Compassionate Friends Credo
We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends. We reach out
to each other with love, with understanding, and with hope. The children we
mourn have died at all ages and from many different causes, but our love
for them unites us. Your pain becomes my pain, just as your hope becomes
my hope. We come together from all walks of life, from many different
circumstances. We are a unique family because we represent many races,
creeds, and relationships. We are young, and we are old. Some of us are far
along in our grief, but others still feel a grief so fresh and so intensely painful
that they feel helpless and see no hope. Some of us have found our faith to
be a source of strength, while some of us are struggling to find answers.
Some of us are angry, filled with guilt or in deep depression, while others
radiate an inner peace. But whatever pain we bring to this gathering of The
Compassionate Friends, it is pain we will share, just as we share with each
other our love for the children who have died. We are all seeking and
struggling to build a future for ourselves, but we are committed to building
a future together. We reach out to each other in love to share the pain as
well as the joy, share the anger as well as the peace, share the faith as well
as the doubts, and help each other to grieve as well as to grow.
We Need Not Walk Alone.
We are The Compassionate Friends. ©2007 TCF
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST NEWSLETTER
LOVE GIFT
To those of you who are newly bereaved
and receiving our newsletter for the first time,
we warmly welcome you to The Compassionate Friends.
We are a self-help organization
of parents, grandparents and adult siblings
who have experienced the death of a loved one.
We offer understanding and support
through our monthly meetings, a lending library,
support materials and loving telephone listeners.
Please do not be afraid to come to a gathering.
Every other person in the room
has lost a child, grandchild or sibling.
They come because they feel the need
to be with someone else who understands.
We know it takes courage to attend that first gathering,
but those who do come find an atmosphere
of understanding from others who have experienced
the grief that you have now.
Nothing is asked of you.
A love gift is a gift of money to TCF, in honor of a child who has died.
It may be from parents, siblings,
an individual or a business who wants
to honor a relative or friend who has died.
Or simply from someone who wants to help in the work of TCF
There are no dues or fees and you do not have to speak.
There is a special feeling at meetings of
The Compassionate Friends.
We meet the third Tuesday of every month.
Make checks payable to TCF Oscoda Area Chapter
Mail your donation and this form to PO Box 24, Oscoda, MI 48750
Donor’s Name
In Memory of
On the Occasion of
Message
Newsletter Postage $
Library (books, video, etc) $
Special Events $
(e.g. Public invited Butterfly Release, Walk to Remember, Candlelighting)
General Expenses $
Thank you
for your
Love Gift!