Ask Helen
The “Selfish Kids’ Strategy”
Can Convince Parents
To Move
Liedman and his sister, Miami-Dade
County Commission Chairman Gwen
Margolis. Their Mom, Rose Liedman,
who was 87, was really enjoying her
life at Innverary in Broward County. In
her 20 years there, Rose had developed
many friendships and a quality
lifestyle. Despite a few auto accidents
and a self-made “security system” that
involved opening the closet door to
block the front door from opening,
Rose was absolutely set on not
moving.
The kids attacked her with what Steve
now laughingly calls the “Selfish Kids’
BY HELEN SHAHAM
Strategy.” It consisted of simply being
honest – saying things like: “Mom, we
Q.
Mom just can’t live alone
anymore. She shouldn’t be driving, and spend all our time worrying about you.
How can you do this to us?”
we worry about her falling at home
and being unable to summon help, or
At the same time, Rose’s best friend,
someone breaking into her home. Yet
Bess Sorkin, lived in the same
she absolutely refuses to discuss the
development. Rose and Bess are
need to move to a retirement
in-laws. They became friends 37 years
community. What can we do?
ago when Steve married Bess’
daughter, Marilyn.
A.
You are expressing the
frustration that is so common among
children with aging parents. You have Bess decided at age 79 that when she
turned 85 she would give up the car
to view this from the parent’s
and move to a retirement community.
perspective. Reflexes are slowing,
As the time approached she gently
friends are dying, health is failing,
and they desperately want to hang on encouraged Rose to come with her,
even as she was having some second
to their independence.
thoughts of her own. That’s another
good strategy -- moving with a friend
There is no one right answer to your
makes it much easier.
question. Eventually, most children
find an argument that works. Or some
event happens that causes the parent to Rose and Bess moved to the Palace
Suites in Kendall. “Bess always
change her mind. For example, we
wanted to come to a place like this. I
heard one story about a woman
never wanted to,” Rose says. “We and
sweeping up her patio after a
the children looked at a lot of places
hurricane, and saying to herself:
before choosing the Palace Suites.
“That’s it! I’m too old for this!”
We wanted to be in this area, close to
But often it’s the children who keep at the children, grandchildren and
great-grandchildren, and there is
Mom until they wear her down. One
method is “tough love” -- make Mom simply no other place like it in this
feel guilty that she is being a burden on area.”
her children. If there’s one thing
parents hate, it’s the thought of being a Nevertheless, Rose was very unhappy
burden on their children! This strategy the first few months. “In the beginning,
I really missed my friends and
was used successfully by Steve
lifestyle. But I got over it.”
“Mom found bridge players, and after
that she was happy,” says daughter
Gwen. Rose still visits her friends in
Inverary, and they occasionally visit
her.
Are her friends going to join her at the
Palace Suites? “They say they are not
ready to move yet!” Rose laughs.
People who move to a quality
retirement community find, to their
surprise, that they gain rather than lose
independence. Transportation becomes
much less of a hassle, residents dine on
gourmet meals, housekeeping and
maintenance is included, and there is a
safe and secure environment.
The children really do worry less now
that Rose and Bess are living at the
Palace Suites. “All the children love
this place,” Steve says.
Helen Shaham and her husband Jacob
have been operating retirement
communities for nearly 30 years. The
Palace Suites in Kendall is a luxury
ndependent Living Community for
active seniors. In addition, The Palace
at Kendall campus is home to two
Assisted Living Residences and a
Nursing & Rehab Center. They also
operate The Palace Gardens Assisted
Living Community in Homestead,
Homestead Manor Nursing Home and
The Palace @ Home, a Medicare
Certified Home Health Agency. Their
two newest projects are The Palace at
Weston – luxury living for those 55 and
over, and The Palace Tel-Aviv, a
continuing care retirement community
in Israel. They have two communities
under development – The Palace at
Weston Senior Living and The Palace
at Coral Gables. More information can
be found on the company website,
www.thepalace.org or by calling
305-270-7000.